Thursday, August 23, 2012



I have been spending more time on Face Book lately because I can listen to the news, read Beth’s interestimg political posts and that is about it.  My life has been full, getting ready for school and training on my new job, and I really have not been up to really engaging my mind for either posting OR reading, so my apologies about that.  Especially the latter, as there has been many a time where I would read someone else’s entry and find a spark to get myself over whatever hump I am facing.

Looking at the last portrait that KT and I took in ’07, it makes me think that you could not tell me that the little girl in the photo did not love the cat she was posed with.  So that is why when I am put on the spot as I felt I was from the comment that was left a few entries ago, I do get a little irie.  When my starter wife came into my life, I already had a program in place that would have brought me successfully to whatever destiny I was headed to at that time.  She on the other hand, was consumed by things that were eroded by her poor self-esteem and lack of confidence (the latter is of my opinion) and her concluding that “all men are dogs and a dog is a man”, something that she would repeat during and after our courtship and into our marriage.

Though I have not been a model partner in my life I do think I am far from the worst available cat that someone could have ever gotten with.  For a woman who was so concerned about not being seen as suitable for marriage because she had a child, she definitely did not carry herself as though she felt fortunate that I had came into her life and that me and he daughter had a good rapport.  I know how much that lil’ BJ loved me when we would sing “Bring The Noise” by Public Enemy on our way home from day care.  Her little face would squint up into the cutest visage, and when her Mom and I first discussed getting married and we were talking about names, she asked if she could change her name to “Johnson” too!  So instead of feeling condemned for leaving my SW, I wonder why she is not under pressure for keeping her husband.  I mean, it is not like she lost me to drink or drug, or even another person.

So it bothers me when I get called out for leaving her, or for in the home with any of my daughters.  Though the Carolina Girl’s are both unique cases, my critiques of the SW and Mookie Dee, seem to be par for the course.  And that is why I tend to get broad with my stroke when talking about relationships, because the both of them exemplify the common issues that many women bring into their love life, and they are ill-prepared to cope with the reality of handling their side of a marriage/engagement.

I guess it bothers me as someone who has openly struggled with his flawed parenting role to (rightfully) have to take one on the chin, and the other half of the equation gets to be a victim as well as an oppressor.  Guess I have to apologize for my language but I am too full of “give a sh*t” to let myself be flogged because of the common sentiment about being a non-custodial Father/parent is so negative.


As I mentioned, when I was dating my future ex-Wife, her daughter was playfully asked about her last name by someone.  When the three of us actually had a conversation about her Mom changing her name, she asked if she could be a “Johnson” as well.  Her Mother thought otherwise and her reasoning was pretty flaky.  That she could produce such a crap answer with her sense of reasoning necessitated in a “note to self”.  BJ and her Mom may have forgotten about that, but I have not.

I explained how I did not officially have a girlfriend until July.  Much of the reasoning for my stance regarding relationships has been examined throughout this journal.  I “got it like that” so whenever I have wanted to pursue a relationship, finding a partner has not a problem.  Now finding REAL partner who is supportive has not been one either but admittedly, it is not as easy as all that.  Perhaps the “vetting process” has become more stringent and that is why I have operated the way that I have since I left Mookie Dee.

Since unlike candidate Romney I was not born into money but I do have a strong work ethic.  In the time that she had known me, I asked my girlfriend when we had “the conversation”, had she ever felt like I was trying to leech on her or that I was looking for a “Sugar Momma”?  I then asked her about the relationship that is forming between me and her younger sons did she think that the emotions we were sharing was not sincere?  Look at that smile on that happy camper right there!  And there was the time her 9-year old woke up with the night terrors and when he woke the next morning, all he could remember was me trying to soothe him.  So if I am that good of an actor and this is an epic performance and that is making you nervous, then I understand, but …

… there is no need for me to go on this particular tangent because Def Con 1 would never be reached.  But the aim is to maybe to have a clearer understanding of which is where that I am, where I am going and WHY I am going there.  Between the story and picture that I have shared about me and her youngest sons’, I feel pretty comfortable with my status as whatever you want to call me and with whatever you want to say about my relationship with my daughters.


Here are a couple of shots of KT and me.  I have been trying to wait until I finally got around to sending the photos to Nixxie before I put them up.  And just like our other portrait, I defy you to say that there is not the love that a Father and daughter should have present in the picture!!

Ok, enough about defending my character.  After all, I may flip on one side in the middle of the night because of it, but I will be unconscious, so I won’t care!  And again, this journal is a repository for the emotional run-

off that is the toxins in my life, so there you go!!  Finally gotten down to a near-normal length entry!  Hoo-ray!


V said...

“all men are dogs and a dog is a man” I somehow liked it very very much. :D

Jonthy Williams said...

Wonder photos Mark!

Ken Riches said...

Love all three photos, they are obviously genuine.

FrankandMary said...

The photos are heartwarming.