“BE KIND, FOR EVERYONE YOU MEET IS FIGHTING A HARD BATTLE.”
–Plato
I can hear my roomie in college telling me to “be careful
with my quantitative words,” as I begin to go into my philosophy about single
Mothers and specifically about African-American women when it comes to
relationships. To me, speaking with
people who have an understanding of how you think and speak, well, that means
you get to speak freely and allow your thoughts to get some air. Also, honest criticism fuels debate, and if
you have a relevant and salient point to make, your argument will be either
honed or found wanting. Besides, those
who protest such generalization often are found with holes and flaws in their
own thinking, so should not their opinions be scored at least a half-point
lower than anyone else’s if not a full point or even letter grade?
Anywho, I have made little secret that I do not place
African-American women collectively, or the cohort of single Mother’s on any
special pedestal. They possess no more
wisdom or deal with any greater responsibility than any other person, and that
for many, the consequence of their actions based on their questionable judgment
should actually render the point moot.
After all, those two traits either directly or indirectly LEAD to their
situation. It is not that I do not have
high regard for them in general, as I think that my experience with many of the
women that I have mention in these pages are excellent single Mothers. What sticks in my craw, along with their
supposed “wisdom” and their “sense of greater responsibility”, is that they ALL
carry their burden with the same kind of grace and unflagging dignity that is
not always accorded to them.
The quote that opens this entry is a reminder that life
weighs the same on every single person the same. No one can accurately gauge the pressure of
another person, but that is exactly what many single Mother’s do when they look
at with envy at other single women, or even more directly, single men like
ME. My starter wife was a woman who felt
like the world owed her “extra credit” for being a single Mother, and that was
an attitude that helped to complicate our relationship.
It is dismissive of a person’s intellect and life
experiences to say that being a single Mother gives a woman ANYTHING more in
the way of life experience and knowledge.
Not only does having the responsibility a family not confers upon women
any “extras” in the way of knowledge or any of the “intangibles”, I repeat,
many of their “intangibles” have to be questioned.
As a person who made the decision as a teenager to depend on
myself and not to expect anything from my family, I have first-hand experience
of what it is like to be alone in the world.
Additionally, I also understand that this decision may well be based on
a fiction that I created in order to fit the narrative of the life that I am
writing. Still, the consequence of my
choices have been something that I have humbly accepted and did my level best
to fulfill the obligations that I have without crying about it.
Now that I have my injury, I can finally tell the single
Mother’s that want extra credit to go somewhere and get paid. While I would NEVER DO IT, my injury is a
unique problem that no one can readily identify what it may be like to deal
with. For instance, my job not working
out has been catalogued as “attention fail” due to my daughter being in
town. Had I been able to concentrate
solely on my employment, I think that I could have definitely kept up. No, it did not help that the areas that I have
the most issues with were areas that I needed to be strong in at work.
This has been a
subject that I have gone back and forth on trying to make an entry about
because of fear of offending certain readers who if they have a problem with my
opinion, they may need to do that face-to-face.
Also, I did not want to seem that this is a bias of mine, being
anti-single Mothers, because at this age particularly, it would be more
peculiar to run into a woman who is childless and “in the top 25”.
I am tired of listening to these women PMS about not being
able to find a suitor when they are some kind of eff’d-up emotionally
themselves. One of the reason that they
cannot find a “good man” is often because they are not a “good person” in their
own right!! Anywho, I took Flat Ruthie
for a ride and I need to get those pictures together. She will soon be on her way to South Bend, In
and from there, sunny Florida (though I guess you could
say that about most of the Midwest this summer!!).
4 comments:
I think the being together and then apart instills a certain bitterness that makes some single mothers difficult to be around for an extended period of time.
Looking forward to the arrival of FR!
Some who have not worked in a while have self-limiting beliefs creep in over time that do not allow them to function all that well in a new job, at least in the beginning. For whatever the reason(or reasons)the job did not work out, I wish, given your disability, that they had offered you more of a learning/adjusting time period, rather than terminating you so soon. It may have been a collision course of multiple things, things that could have been handled, given a little more patience(on their part) & job coaching.
And I am so tired of Black men who have nothing, ain't been no where talking about single BLACK mothers. Rather than spending time waxing-poetic about what gets in your craw... what have you done for any single mothers lately?
You are neither married or in a successful relationship. You are not raising your children or have regular visits with them. And yet you get to bring some sort of judgement on the emotional mindset of Black women who are single. Brain injury or not, the ability to be kind rather than snarky, bitter and petty or insulting is a choice. A choice that strong character and fortitude within shows up and keeps us from being small in the course of our everyday existence.
You have failed and that's not due to brain injury, that is a character issue. But since I do not know you... I can't be sure.
Brother you don't know every single Black Mother in America or their sacred stories. You don't know anything at all. You are limited in your small world and experiences and possibly what you have read in books and magazines.
I thought you would be better than this. But you have the right to say and rant about anything you want on your blog. And I sir, have the right not to come back and read.
It has been an engaging experience. I daresay, it is time for me to take leave of your blog, your story and your journey.
Be well and go in peace always.
I don't count myself among the single mothers you speak of because I don't wear my status like a badge that should move me to the front of the line.
BUT, I do grow weary of the broad-sweeping stereotypical brush that splatters the paint I sense in your post.
Two things: For every single mother - no, I'll say "parent" - who "made a bad judgement," there is a partner who participated in that judgement with joy. Elation, even. lol
When my husband walked out to be with his employee, he left me struggling, to make a baby with her, and they're now in the middle of a bitter divorce. (I could only smile to myself as he detailed to me all the reasons she was a bad wife and he just *had* to leave her). From what I hear, he's working on the 4th wife. lol
Secondly, when a single parent struggles alone, the weight of life's choices/circumstances now affects a *child.* If I lose my job alone, I can eat beans. If I lose my job with children, I must find a way to care for more than myself. And my babies ain't eatin' beans.
@Ken: I also don't count myself among the "bitter." And bitterness isn't reserved to single mothers. Bitterness is a place where some of the wounded choose to live - whether it's a single mother, a jilted lover, and abandoned child, etc. It doesn't just make some single mothers difficult to be around. It makes anybody who chooses that path difficult to relate to.
I'd love to see more talk of character focused on the failings of humankind and not on the short-sighted scoops of demographic groups.
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