THOUGH I UNDERSTAND WHY OTHERS MAY DO IT…

…IT IS JUST SOMETHING THAT I DON’T DO…

It has felt like months since I have logged on to do any ‘recreational web surfing’ of any kind.  From doing any reading of blogs, to watching videos, or the odd nattering on Facebook, I just have not been up to it.  The last episode of headaches that I thought had ebbed last Wednesday, flared again for the weekend… yum!  Next time I see my doctor I am going to ask him about what flavor migraine relief goes with the medication that I am already on, thank you very much for the suggestions, Mary.

My last entry was my feebled attempt at real, true, sharing of my misery.  Just as she caught that one after the fact, I am sure she will catch this one too, Nebraska said that she thinks that I am one of those people who just doesn’t share their difficulties with others.  She is partially right… because while it could be said that I do my share of kvetching in my journal, it is a lot easier because I don’t have any expectations of relief when I write in here, just as I don’t expect any IRL.  While I am EXTREMELY THANKFUL for the love and support that I have received from you out on the interwebz, I don’t necessarily expect any.  That is what has allowed me to be as open as I have been in my journal… because I am sort of numb to the idea that someone is going to make like D-Nice and come ‘to tha rescue’.

As to ‘why’ I am that way… well, even when I am working through my reasoning on my own, I feel as if I am ungrateful to those whose thoughts and support has been with me for the past four, five years I have been blogging regularly.  When I let my thoughts echo inside my head, I keep thinking “f*cker, see if I try to help you again,” and I decide not to put anything down anywhere.  Besides, I expect to “live through this” and come out of it on the other side, shining and bright.  So, the detailing my agonies doesn’t not fit my personality and besides, I am grateful for where I am now.  I do think that it is a little ironic, as I began blogging as a means of ridding myself of the emotions that were roiling inside of my because of my relationship with Mookie Dee, but now...

                School is … school.  I think that I have “failed” my first class in my entire life, my Accelerated Algebra course.  There are several reasons that I put the word “fail” in parenthetical.  One reason is, though it is a class I need to take, there is no “grade”; I have to take it to get to the next level which is College Algebra.  And then I did not exactly “fail” as my average is at 74 and you have to have an 80 to get over the hump.  So, being unable to raise my average 6 points on the final even with a perfect score means I have to do a retake.  I have already gotten over myself and will have a tutor to work with me next term. 

Today I met with my Comp 2 instructor who said I am doing well with my draft for my Research Paper.  A nip here, a tuck there, and she feels I will do fine.  I am glad for that because I did not think that I was getting anywhere with what I had written.  Chipping away at my paper is part of why I disappeared as well.  If I had the strength to turn on the laptop, then, why should I not have the strength to do my research paper?

A lot of things have been going through my mind when I was able to let things go through it… one was that I do have a summer to look forward to and pretty little girls to think about running around Omaha with me.  Another was the possibility of a “weekender” to the Motor, and see if Skye wants to go out or something.  I can’t help but think that if we had a face-to-face that we would really connect.  I wonder what she is doing and if she is like me, a restless soul who simply need to find her home.

ONCE I GOT OVER MYSELF…

For a little while I was thinking that my migraine was telling me that I have reached my limit and that I could expect to go no further.  In response, I did the only thing that I knew to do, which was telling my counselor to change my schedule for next term and to get me a tutor for my Algebra class!  The ego part of dealing with not passing was prolly the most difficult for me to face… but hey, it doesn’t go down as a grade, so my transcript is still “fail grade free”.

Yesterday was an interesting day.   After school, I decided to go to “the Mall” (though there are several in the area, they are pretty much all the same, save craptastic for Crossroads, so they will henceforth all be referred to as “the Mall’) and on the way there I asked Nebraska to meet me out there.  My thinking was we could have a drink and shoot the breeze but she was not up to it.  “C’est la vie,” I thought, and I went on anywho.   Picked up a couple of pair of sweat pants, then headed for the super huge Nebraska Furniture Mart and looked at beds.  Ended up  buying a Haan floor steamer and I am looking forward to using it this weekend!!

Wal-Mart was just up the way a little and since I had to go past it to reach the bus stop, I decided to do a little shopping.  I must have made quite a sight carrying the steam mop-thingy and five bags of groceries on bike, slowly rolling down hill in the freakin’ rain, but you know what..?

… sitting here with a good progress report from my Comp 2 instructor about my research paper and having come to terms with my College Algebra, a smurf is content and ready to move on to the next challenge in his never ending quest to seek knowledge and truth!!