Sunday, February 6, 2011



‘My Life As Liz’ on MTV is back!! I wonder if the show is representative of the schools in the Dallas-Ft. Worth Metroplex?? It prolly is as I have no reason to believe that it isn't. They do have big everything in Texas and the oil industry is the state’s Teflon when it comes to finances. There is plenty of money to give kids big cars, big parties and let’s not forget for the girls, pageant hair!

Season two has our heroine off at school in New York, torn over her crush, the friends she has left behind and the new guy she’s met in NYC. I am looking forward to seeing her new awkward adventures. I really liked how they engineered the end of the first season with Liz being forced to move on, her crush having moved on as she celebrated her graduation from high school. But she would be torn yet again as at the bell of her departure, her crush shows up as she is leaving for the aeroport.

The emotions that were shared as her friends said good-bye were completely unfamiliar and unrecognizable to me. Were there people who felt this way about me? I did not think so at the time… I did not even walk across the stage at a graduation ceremony and had I been a year older, would not have told my Mother of my enlistment in the Army.

The Talent Show episode was the hook for me. I do not and did not have a particular ‘talent’ that translated to high school competitions like the one Liz was in (though later in life, my trainer in Carolina and I had a routine that we did with the strike pads that was pretty impressive!), but I did do very well with public speaking. Oral reports, forensics that was the kind of stuff where I could believe that I was not only ‘on the inside’ but among those in the aerie of acceptance.

My calculation that I would be better off without this ‘tribe’ or ‘troop’ as it were, has actually been a lifetime in the making. The tribe that I was born into was not very healthy for me and the only occasions where I have found myself in a cocoon of healthy relationships occurred when I was moving forward. Right now, I am not moving forward and that is part calculation and part consequence. I’d like to see my intentions through, free from the ‘static’ of the energies of a relationship. I know that people tend to swear off relationships and make vows of hermitage that eventually is broken and that there is never any real attempt at keeping. But with me, I relish the thought of going out and making my place, wherever that may be.


For example the Nietzsche-ism that makes for my ‘formula for happiness’ is not something that I stumbled on and decided to co-opt. The ‘yes, a no, a straight line, and a goal’, is something from my childhood that may have been over my head at the time, still stayed with me. I don’t know what it says to anyone else but I can only account what it says to me.

I asked a rhetorical question about giving up and why is it so hard to do this week. I asked because as frustrated as I have been this month, I still find a way to get up and go out, even when so much of me is fighting to stay in, where it is safe and I am certain of the things in my surroundings. With my disability not being visible, I don’t guess at whether or not people see me as an NT, I know that they take for granted that I am functioning at least as well as they are.

Keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own.” The best way for me to manage that is to make sure that my eyes are on what is directly in front of me. Dealing with the confusion in my mind as well as that of the world is more than enough for me to be concerned with. Why should I place my tenuous hold on my reality at risk by trying to get to know a person how has an equally insubstantial hold on theirs? Thanks but no thanks… don’t need anyone who’s come around mainly to hold me under…


Indigo said...

I know what's it like to have the invisible disability. I talk eloquent enough, people sometimes tend to react as if they don't believe me when I tell them I'm deaf.

Eventually it comes around to how you, yourself react. Does it make it easier to accept? Not really, but in the end no one has to truly live with it but you.

I have a wooden plaque above my desk that says, "The only disability in life, is a bad attitude." I'm trying to live that.

In the end not everyone can contemplate and understand what it's like, except someone whose been there. (Hugs)Indigo

Anonymous said...

I agree with you. Sometimes we all need to focus straight forward and head on in that direction. Without looking back or at whatever is shining and distracting beside us.

Keep on walking my friend.


Well, it suddenly struck me
I just might die with a smile on my
Face after all

Miss.Stefanie said...

"“Keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own.”"

Ha--love it.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I think Indigo's plaque says it all :o)