Thursday, January 27, 2011

I'M JUST WRITING MY SIDE OF THE STORY

THE CONCUSSION CLOUD


I have been being careful with how I describe what I have been going through and feeling this month. Seeming whiny and pitiful is something that I am very self-conscious about and there is nothing I am going to do about that. Being vulnerable is not the same as an admission that I am vulnerable. One of the ways that I go about keeping from sounding like I am in a jam has been not to use terms too negative to define what I have been dealing with in the aftermath of being struck by a car. Let me tell you, though, for me to definitely speak about something is quite rare. So with that…


…this has been the worst recovery from a concussion ever. And since I would manage to show up for work after driving hundreds of miles after some rough fights, and still perform my duties (as it were, it was the year that I wasn’t fighting and training that my performance took a sharp decline… a lesson is in there, I think), which should say it all. Each day is similar to waking up to a spring haze that the sun never fully burns off the ground and the mist snakes around the blades of grass on the ground and between the leaves and branches of the shrubs of lawns.


My respites are but illusions of my balance returning to me. Apparently there is another ‘new normal’ for to adjust to… and that is what I am doing. But I am angry about why I have to do it. Still.


When I sat down to write this entry for a moment I thought that perhaps I should hold it until I get the picture I am going to reference in this entry loaded on my computer. What I will do is promise to have it done soon and let you guys laugh a pre-military photo of me in my boxing outfit. Should be good for a laugh or two!


MY VISION WAS OF SOMETHING LIKE THE END OF THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION




...only it would have been my sweetie and me playing in the ocean selling tacos and not Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins fixing boatsFreeman and Tim Robbins fixing boats !!


Now my first sweetie did more than take my cherry! We were in the deepest throes of teenage love, hers fueled by a desire to escape and free herself and seeming fate to fill the role of the ‘rebellious daughter’, while I was simply a walk-on part in her life! That was fine by me as I was enthralled with one of my earliest inspirations that I found in the agate-type in Ring Magazines and other boxing magazines that fostered it.


We would slide out of school on half-days and hook up at her house. It was easy, as usually her immediately older sister would be in some club stuff or working with a tutor. The usual bougie teen activities that stuck-up parents have their little precious gems involved in… and usually the youngest of her sister’s would be picked up by a Grandmother or Father and kept until the Eldest came home from work. Usually, that is.


Details really don’t matter other than this—we got caught dead to rights! Her family would hand down an edict that involved a ruling worthy of the Capulets. But during the deliberation before handing out the verdict, we hatched a typical teenage plan of escape and living by our wiles … wait for it… in MEXICO!


Now you have to first understand something… I did and do not show any of the frustrations about my family that I do here in my journal. I may have hinted at being bothered here and there but absolutely nothing that would have led anyone to believe that I hold the disdain for my youngest sisters that I do Jan (who most people keep at broom-stick length) or have the conflicting regard I have for my Mom. It was always something I kept to myself and the awareness that I had that leaving home was in my future. Getting caught like that had me thinking that the time might be now!


During the chance we had to talk before sentencing I told her about wanting to run off to Mexico and fight professionally! Don’t laugh, because it was not that far-fetched… no different from someone running to Los Angeles on a bus to be in Hollywood or someone getting off the train at Grand Central thinking they are going to light up the great white way! In boxing there are stories of such precociousness resulting in decent, even championship careers. And the ‘you never know if you don’t try’ is embedded into my D.N.A. I took French but SHE spoke Spanish quite fluently... I had a car, a license and I was working at Mickey Dee’s with a few hundred dollars in my savings account. The wheels they were a-turnin’…


DON’T YOU LOVE LITTLE SISTERS?


Not that I am remembering this exactly as all I know that something happened on her end that caused our plan to be divulged to her family. We were ‘reddy t’go’ and I had withdrawn all my loot thinking we were going to be on the road soon. For the sake of argument, let’s say her little sister overheard us making plans on the phone and there you go!


So the idea that I am here ‘out of the blue’ has always been a ludicrous to me. There has always been a germination of an idea in most everything that I have done. In fact, it seems so second nature that it is hard (but not impossible) to believe that people are as ‘spontaneous’ with their hasty decisions as they would want others to think. Or it could just be me that thinks like that? Maybe someone knows of someone who does things that seems to be whimsical, but I simply doubt that. Maybe they are still in the closet or they have gone on to do things with their lives of such note that people would not dare critique their thinking processes.


ONLY SEEN SNIPPETS BECAUSE...


I did not feel like watching the State of the Union address.  Felt like putting my head in the sand and letting it slide past me.  Did catch the snickering that came from Michelle Bachman's extra response to the President's speech.


That girl looked as high as a kite and what was she even talking about?  I don't think she even knew!  I know that I am guilty of speaking a lot of gibber-jabber but when I do it, I know what I am talking about.  Like I said, someone who could not look into the camera(or was following bad instructions... don't know which is worse) as she babbled. 


At this point it seems unlikely that there will be a strong challenger from the GOP when the President's first term ends.  The voices on the right has a lot of bombast but little substance.  Their vote to repeal the health care act did nothing but waste time and failed to make a significant bump in any public opinion polls.  When it comes to the health care act, it isn't repeal but getting it right that has must people bothered.


I don't have tinnuitus but either someone is leaning on the doorbell (I don't have one of those) or my ears as ringing because they want to.  What it does mean is that I better lay down.  Been a busy week so far.  Might get a haircut tomorrow if the weather holds.  Later, gators!

7 comments:

Toon said...

It's never to late to grab a hot babe and escape to Mexico! It's the Plan B everyone should have!

LceeL said...

I always wanted to run away to Hollywood. I wanted to be an actor. I was good, and I knew it. Actually, everybody kind of expected me to wind up there - or in New York.

My plans got nipped in the bud. Like yours.

How different might things be if we had followed our initial ideas?

Sarcastic Bastard said...

Some days, I just want to run away period. Anywhere will do.

Have a good weekend, Mark.

Jonthy, Alice the uppity white cat's babysitter said...

I think I did my running away when I was younger. I left my home town and married. My husband died 12 years later and now I'm back in my home town taking care of my mother. They say you can "never go back" and I think this is true.

I think that it becomes more difficult when we are older to have dreams of escape. Life's limitations rears it's ugly head no matter what socioeconomic background we come from. Of course, money helps but then who has that?

Beth said...

Oh, I think every teenager has dreams/fantasies of getting out of wherever they are, especially if in a small town. Girl, we gotta get out of this place!

Haha...yes, Bachmann was a trip. I read today that her spending cut proposals include cuts to veterans' benefits. That pisses me off. They need and DESERVE all the help we can give them.

Lovebabz said...

Who among us hasn't dreamed, plotted and schemed a break-out to Mexico!

Oh you have just rekindled a long held dream :)

It's been a beast here in CT...20 inches of snow! Ughhh I am still digging out! Yeah my ears are ringing too...too much snow!!!!!!!

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

The innocence, and lack of, of youth :o)