Friday, October 22, 2010



What the HELL is up with her?  Yes, when I first heard about her Tea Bag activism last year, I was concerned with a sitting justice's spouse taking such a publicly political role.  Oh sure, the judicial and legislative branches are completely separate and all, but come on, do you really think that her politics are far from her husbands?

I almost did not want to comment on her.  This space today is for another topic entirely and maybe I will come back to some of the subtext I read beyond the obvious - her husband is a tortured soul.  Being a 'less than nothing' compared to the influence of the Thomas', I will use that freedom to say what I feel, particularly after reading his book, 'My Grandfather's Son'.

One of the rumors about him that has dogged him almost the whole of his career is that he is a smidgen above mediocre.  For whatever reasons, he fell into a crowd at Yale whose success provided him with connections, and he was pulled up through that network.  It the shadow that he really did not earn his way to where he was, along with his (to me, and to many other AA's who objectively looked at Justice Thomas) his own middling achievements, that feeds his 'yassuh, Mista Charlie' insecurity.

Ginny's request of Anita Hill was worded in such a way that made me think of how tortured he is at Ms. Hill success in spite of their intersection.  I would have thought that he would have gotten over it, but one of the thing we don't know is how the life in the depths of the ocean lives and what it is like to live near the summits of mountains... all we know is that there is life.

The circles that instructors at places like Brandeis and in the upper levels of Washington are prolly small, tight, and incestuous.  For years, the odd comment had to be dropped in here and there  about the Hill affair.  Not to mention that I really think Justice Thomas is a small man, and something like this hanging over him is still eating away at him like a cancer.

He is the type of man who will sit on the court merely to spite some ghost, a spectre of childhood disambiguity that haunts him to this day.  I don't think that he is on the same level of intellect or expertise, as he so rarely offers anything for the record when the court reaches a decision.  Again, I don't want to drag on, because there are other thoughts in my head clamoring to get out.  So let's get right to them!!


For some reason, I thought that more people would talk about their sex life, past present, or fantasy, seeing as there has been discussions about a lot of other things that perhaps a mental 'inside voice' should have been used.  I mean some people have ripped my heart out and often it makes me feel like a crybaby for having my story out here, eliciting concern.  Then I have a day like today and I get over that.

But even with people baring their internal organs, no one really discusses what happens with their EXTERNAL organs and glands.  Maybe those are invite-only or adult content blogs... there is something creepy about that and that is one of the things that sex has never been for me or to me.  My Mom warned me about the creepy factor as a kid, so if I had to tell her about a Boy Scout leader or Youth Bible Study leader playing 'special' games with me, it would have gotten told.

Also, the hetero behavior was 'normalized'.  Though I did not use my Mom as a primary resource like I should have, the knowing that sex was a conversation I could have with her openly, was invaluable.  Growing up when it seemed that being not only smart, effeminate, and uninterested in what constituted 'black culture' (you don't want me to start with my loathing of shows like 'The Jefferson's', 'Martin', '227', and all that other crap... then you add in my participation in golf (Mom was a Calvin Peete fan) and hockey... you get my drift or should), I simply was cut different from the most kids in my neighborhood.

Though I did not get to play a lot of 'House' or 'Hide and Go Get 'em', nor did I get invites to the grope-fests that were passed off as basement parties, I did read Henry Miller and worked at the party store with access to porno magazines to stoke what I was left with - my imagination.

But a funny thing happened when I combined stuff like 'The Story of O' with 'Debbie Does Dallas' and the like.  It became intellectualized.  The teenage Mark was unable to reconcile the demonization of pornography and 'dirty' or 'filthy' sex acts with the undeniable titillation that I felt reading the books and magazines, well as the pictorials.  What ended up happening was that if I wanted to do the filthy and nasty things I was reading/looking at, I would have to normalize the acts.  And it began with the girl I lost my cherry with.

In one of his songs, I have forgotten which, only that it is from his first album, the rapper ODB talks to unfairness in being a 'freaky girl' by saying 'I don't want me a fancy bitch, give me a nasty bitch because I am a nasty motherfucker'.  Don't know how 'charming' that attitude is, but I am able to make that work.

'Pretty is as pretty does'.  If you have to ask, I'd tell women, then you should presume my answer would be 'yes'.  Yes to postions, yes to 'any-somes', yes, yes and yes to whatever you may have blushed at and told your girlfriends that 'you ain't gonna do that for ANYONE'.  That is usually what they would say before they got lubed up and bent over or took a shot of spunk in the eye.  Right now I don't have any unexplored areas that I would like to visit, and for some of the 'forbidden acts' that I would not mind revisiting, you know what?  I could do without going there again because I don't know if I can envision myself in a relationship that grew to that level of intimate exploration, again.   Getting through the levels of trust and building up of ego and confidence ... I just don't feel like going through that again.

When I was younger, it was almost like 'a sport'.  But to lube a girl up and bend her over or to do a '69' would eventually become something more than exploration to me.  I think because I merged my carnal fantasies with my idea of the kind of person I hoped to be with...


I was 23 when I got married.  My ex-wife was 25 and she had never given anyone a blow job(or so the Germans... nah, I could tell that she was a rookie).  Could have knocked me over with a feather because she already had a baby and right or not, I figured she had at least learned 'the basics'.  Explaining to her about repricocity, I spoked to her about the kinds of things guys said about girls who went down and all those other things... and she did that black woman neck roll and said to the effect of, "Yeah, and that why I ain't doin' such nasty..."

..."Repricocity", I interrupted.  Then I spoke to her about how could we expect to be lifetime partners and knowingly denying the other what they find pleasurable?  Then, if I go and find a woman who would (yeah, don't be giggin' me on technicalities!) do what I want, I am the bad guy.  As far as the 'myth' that only 'white girls do that stuff', what kind of girl do you think I was with before I ment you?"

"So now we have problem.  And it leads to only ONE conclusion."  She did ask me, "What was the conclusion".   I told her that I thought it was obvious, since I came into the relationship expecting AT LEAST that.  In hindsight, I think that if you have to consider 'breaking the glass' in a relationship, then maybe the relationship has other underlying issues.  Ah, experience!!


I don't understand why women always claim 'not to be like that', and then end up 'being like that'.  Other than my ex, I don't think I ran across another woman who didn't go down with the ship like a captain.  Now, for more explorative areas, I would be moved enough to acknowledge their fear of the unknown, but quite a few were revealed to be at a journeyman level, if not an master of it.  Mookie Dee, for instance, had a particular skill set that was extremely pleasing, and to think, I was there when all that began!

As the relationship begin to flicker out, I could not figure out what had happened between us, outside of the then possiblility that I was not doing enough in the bedroom to keep HER satisfied.  After all, if I could play that card, what was there preventing that same card on me?

For most of my sexual career, it had the feel of what it was like to be Adam Warlock, posessor of the Soul Gem (but this was the early 80's Warlock, the one whose story line ended with Warlock turning Thanos to granite in a Marvel Two-In-One annual), as a piece of me would be replaced by a piece of the girl, woman that I had selfishly taken their geniuine emotions and left them with ... what?  I know what I mostly had was a guilt that will never leave and can't ever be erased.

But it isn't from the tricks and stunts that were performed.  More that it is from the pieces of the souls that I stole.  Even as I allow for guilty feelings, I still like who I was as well as who I am.  And I still feel good about each day, in accordance to the challenge I am under.  What brought these feelings to surface?


I received a comment that perhaps I needed to get laid.  Without know what is 'average', I do think that having been in and around three different women over the past 3-4 years and to have a handful of episodes with each one, barely amounting to a total of TWO handfuls, I have found out that I don't have the same worries that I was out trying to get laid.  Given my condition, I think that is a good thing.  My one and only 'Facebook flame' verified several things that I had until that time, only speculated on. 

Even at the height of my 'Early Burglary Years', I did not think that having to be 'inactive' was all that bad.  During training for boxing matches, the occasional drought, did not faze me.  Also with that suggestion, the option of watching porno was mentioned and I did for a few minutes.  After the predictible near-instant erection, I got to thinking about having to tip-toe through the conversation and then arranging everything just so...



Toon said...

Holy Crap! You've covered a lot in one post.! I'm sure Mrs. Thomas is a miserable person with a miserable life. I was a farm kid in Southern Kansas and all I cared about was movies and music. I understand all about not fitting in.

LceeL said...

I wondered for a long time, just what had happened to Justice Thomas once he was confirmed. It's like The Court just ate him up and hasn't bothered to spit him out, yet. It's like he disappeared!!

And as for sex? I once told my wife, in a joking fashion, "Life is the unending search for the perfect blowjob."

She didn't talk to me for a week.

That corgi :) said...

I'm glad you recapped what is going on with the Thomas'; I caught bits of pieces of it over the news this week but hadn't really taken the time to see what the fuss is. I have to agree with what you said about it. He needs to let it go and move on. It happened. If he was so concerned about it coming out in the open like it did and the repercussions, etc, he shouldn't have gotten it started in the first place.

I think it was good you had an open relationship with your mom with talking about sex, Mark. Most parents feel uncomfortable talking with their kids aobut it and kids will go out and find the information somewhere else and unfortunately usually get the wrong information or perhaps misguided information from friends or other sources. (always open here)

enjoy the weekend


Anonymous said...

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Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

We all have our experiences in spurts (pun intended). Hope you can settle in and start getting out and about and get the chance to decide what is what.

Mark said...

Of course it's all true when Anita said and Ginny knows it--but beneath the surface, in that way alcoholics know they're alcoholics. When she heard the old girlfriend was shopping a book, she just doubled down on her denial.
What a stupid move. Now the ex-girlfriend will sell the memoir for sure.

JStar said...

I feel a couple, esp a married couple should atleast try to do whatever to please thier partner...You have to spice it up and keep it interesting...Its all about pleasure...Not about whats nasty..