RESIDUE

THINGS THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT

Recently an entry of Mr. Mischief tugged at me. It was about his attendance at a funeral of an Uncle and I thought it was poignant. Took me back to services for my Mom and darling brother, both of which my ex-wife played a large role in my recollection of those events.


I was a mess when my Mom passed away. She did step up to the plate and kept everything moving. My dislike of her doesn't mean I can't credit her for stepping up like a trooper. She really handled herself as if she was a real daughter, and even wanted to be consoling towards me.


Having her sit with the family and ride with us in the limo though, was very sobering. I didn't have the same level of grief flow through me with her sitting next to me and trying hold me while I was mourning my Moms. I do remember after all was said and done, cleaning up after everyone had left and it was nothing but 'us'. One of the sibs mentioned how she did such a good job and I said 'F*ck her', and left the house.


I really don't like my ex wife.


Then there was the organization of my darling brother's services. Coming in from out of town as I did, the plans were for some stranger who didn't even know my brother to give the eulogy. Another small indication at how strained the relationship were between 'me and them'. This person was a friend of my ex-wife and a member of her church. Like that qualifies her as someone who can summarize all that my brother was as a person.


There was a point in the service where there was a call for remarks. I got up and was last in line. People ahead of me were friends of my brother and said their few words. Since I was last, just before the eulogist, I took that time to expound and let everyone know who my brother was and what he meant to our family and all his friends. My length left no time for this stranger to speak, and I felt that he was properly eulogized.


One of the reasons that Mr. Mischief's post caught me was the empathy that he had for the decedent and those who were closest to him. I remembering wondering if people knew about the drama behind the scenes of these events, what went on besides grieving. Can't say that it is 'bogus', because I am not surprised what goes on at such a time. I think it is a chance not only for some people to show the good that is in them but a funeral is also a time for deep rooted bad feelings to surface.

After both memorials I wondered aloud, albeit to myself, if there was anyone who thought of what was going on in the terms that Mr. Mischief spoke of in his journal. I mean, how uncomfortable is THAT conversation with someone who has just laid a loved one to rest? It has to be as unconfortable as not being able to have that conversation. I know there was a time I would have like to talk about the differnent feelings that I had. Like why even though I can say my ex was invaluable when my Mom was memorialized, I could still turn around and wish that the ground would open up beneath her feet and swallow her hole. Or how inept my sister's were when my brother was struck down.

One of the reasons that I am confident that I can do better on my own, is that I won't feel the need to explain anything to anyone. I'd like to get back to doing what it is I want, the way that I want it, especially that I can remember that there IS something that I want to do for me. Does that make any sense?

IN OTHER NEWS

To further discussion on whatever it is I am talking about and have on my mind, I am going to reply to some of the more intriguing comments, directly. Don't get upset if you see me in your mailbox... Several bloggers keep a dialogue going in their comment section and I used to group comments together and make a post of my replies to them. But I think that it would be more intimate a conversation between you and me, if I reply to what you leave via email.

Hope none of y'all mind.

No, I won't watch the Floyd Mayweather - Sugar Shane Mosley fight tonight. I don't think the fight will be that close and I see 'Pretty Boy Floyd' winning at least 8 rounds straight away. The way that their styles contrast won't make in my mind, an entertaining way to spend $60.00.

Shane is supposed to be a quick fighter, but he hasn't fought 'fast' since he beat Oscar De La Hoya years ago. A cat who I knew, Vernon Forrest beat him up THOUROUGHLY twice and he was a smooth talented punch and move guy.

Floyd is a superior talent and will box rings around Mosley. He never had the foot speed he was hyped to have as a young fighter and he has only gotten older. The only reason that I don't think there will be a knockout or a stoppage, is that Floyd has some questions about his hands and isn't a 'finisher'.

Then the undercard bouts are forgettable as well. I think that is one of the main reason I don't pay per view boxing and why it is declining in popularity. It wasn't too unusual for there to be top contenders and/or championship fights on a major card. But it seems only wrestling and the MMA cats have figured that out.