Wednesday, May 5, 2010

HOW TO LIVE IN A DESTROYED LIFE SEVERAL TIMES OVER

THE ROAD BEFORE THE FORK

Unlike other relationships I have had, there really isn't any way I could find fault with the one I had with SFC (the past tense reflects the 'coupling' part of our relationship; we are still friends). I have to claim responsibility for what went down during my stay in Virginia. It has been hard trying to find the words for what I experienced during my stay, especially since she was wonderful to be around. There are things that I can't really explain due to privacy issues. Since I feel an obligation to try to explain what happened, I will do my best at trying to get across what was what.

Going back to 'before the beginning' the main reasons I had no use for people in my past was that I feel whatever role I was to play in their life, I had played the part I was supposed to play, for better or worse, and that was that with that. I didn't ask 'where was mine' if I did them solid or try to slide by when it came for consequences to be paid (though the jury is out on a couple or three of those cases). I gave as much as I could when the bill came and again, that was that with that.

Deciding to try to find someone in my past to hopefully find a lasting relationship was a last second rider to my initial proposal, which was to go to Nebraska (speaking about the person, Nebraska will be in red) and see if I can make a life in according to my vision. I hadn't had the opportunity to see what I can be in my mind because of 'unforseen obstacles' presented by the people who were closest to me.

For the overwhelming majority of my life, I have kept a lot of resentment at WHO let me down at crucial times in my life to myself. Telling myself that I should have been better or smarter or stronger than that. Some of the folks that I had invited into my life, for instance, my ex-wife or my manager, as jacked up as those relationships were I still asked them into my life.

Since it was only a few times that people came from the outside in and threw me off my stride, I ask myself when did it start? When did I find myself almost expecting someone to let me down and when did I decided that I was going to live my life alone..?

MY EDITORIAL OPINION

I think that my going back to go forward had more in common with E. Scrooge and his visitations. My past as well as my present lead to the same kind of future and I would rather be bedridden and infested with lice than to face the destination I was headed on. The change that I needed to come up with was the one whose path I was headed on. Go to Nebraska and be whatever it is I want to be.

I would say Nebraska and I would be friends and I meant it. I don't want be in a position where someone's life and their passions have to intersect with mine. People can be friends with me and I believe I can handle that. Getting all personal and close... ooh, that changes things.

Not enough people close to me has had the faith in my ability to make something happen as folks I've met on line seem to have in me. The explinations I've received from people in my life could never fill the hole that they created, that I would to fall into. As I think of my 'alternate version' of events, I would allow for them to explain and even correct me for my imperfect perspective. Save there are some things that can't be explained away... they are what they are and there is no alternative meaning or judgment to be made.

Things that I have tried to believe that I have done to myself... the 'truthiness' to it is... that those things weren't 'in the plan for Nigel'.

3 comments:

LceeL said...

Do you know why I think people online will have a clearer vision of you (and like you better) then people from 'real life'? Because online, you get to put out whole thoughts without interruption. You get to think about what you have to say before you say it - so the thoughts are more complete and better formed. There's no one to argue with but yourself - until the comments come, anyway.

You get to be YOU. Pure. And the pure you, I find, is someone worth admiring. And someone worth being friends with. Online. Or in person.

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I think making a clean start as who you are now, today, is what is going to be necessary to really move forward. This means in all aspects of you life.

That corgi :) said...

I agree with LceeL's comment, Mark. I always thought you were capable of anything you decided was right for you. I think you hit a bit of a roadblock, but I truly do see you going forward with whatever plan you do think is good for you at this season in your life. I also think you are young enough (we all are, we just need to have confidence in ourselves) to put this and other things behind you in proper perspective and keep moving forward....

betty