Monday, May 24, 2010



It was nothing much and may not had even been her. But I decided to go for an afternoon run in addition to my morning work out and it was around 3 p.m. as I neared home going down one of the main streets by the house. Across the street from me going in the opposite direction was a vehicle that resembled the last ride I knew that she owned. Now I wasn't sure and because I was getting my work on, I wasn't feeling obliged to stop and double check.

But using the surprise on the drivers face and the way she jerked around as though to make sure she wasn't seeing an illusion, I figured it was her. Oh well. That was that with that.


For the past month I have been doing four days in the gym and three days on the road, with one day of both. That gives me one full day off from either the gym or roadwork. Now I want to burn more calories and start tightening up. That means more aerobic stuff and for me, more running.

I have started to see a little progress. Still a ways from my goals. One of the things that I would like to do with the weights is clean up my form. I will make that a goal for July when I rotate another workout plan in.


Lucia Riker, the woman who was the villianess in the match in the film 'Million Dollar Baby' was one heck of a fighter. She never got her just do or a fight with either Christy Martin or Laila Ali. I think she'd have whupped them both. Even if she didn't get the opportunity to box either woman, she did get a chance to act in an Oscar winning film!

I don't know why Maggie's family was the way they were to her. Instead of coming out to California to visit and check on how she was doing, they primarily came to sight see and to con her into signing over all the money she had earned as a fighter. Again, that was familiar territory for me. She was a strong person who didn't need or even want for someone to take up for her. You could tell by the way she shoo'd Frankie out of the room.

Maggie comported herself and then laid down the law to her worthless Mother and shiftless siblings. Then there was a moment of contemplation before the next scene. In my mind that was her moment of clairity, a moment when her entry life came rushing by in her mind and she realized that for her, she had reached as high as she was going to go with her life. And for her, that was fine enough.

Frankie saw things differently. He had found a purpose in her and through her. What ever had happened between him and his daughter was going to be excised in the relationship that he would have with Maggie. It was always that way and it was even moreso now that she needed him. But in her moment, she had realized that not only did she not have anyone but she didn't WANT anyone.

There aren't too many absolutes in my life. I am flexible enough to give most anything a go and to listen to anyone for advice. A line that I like to say is that explains it for me is, "I never say 'never', cause I know I just might!'. But when it comes to being in a position like Maggie was in, there is only one choice left for me.


In my mid-thirties I began to think about 'things'. My Aunts, like my Mother and darling brother all were called quickly and relatively painlessly. No long and excruciating hospital stays with all kinds of tubes, machines and medicines pumping stuff into them for no good reason than to maintain the charade of life that too many people go thru. No, I am not a Hemlock Society memeber and yes, I do think Dr. Kervorkian was a visionary.

Frankie wanted to hold onto Maggie because of what he needed... she asked him one final favor because of what SHE NEEDED. As a friend in every sense of the word, what could he do? She never complained or disobeyed him. He knew how loyal she was to him and yes, he had to know that she loved him.

With all that she had gone thru to get to him and with all the things she was able to see on her wonderful ride with him, it was time for her to let go. Let go of all the hurt and the pain that was going to be with her for the rest of her days, and I am not talking about the physical pain. Do you think that she deserved to be treated and judged by her Mom and family after she bought them a house after she bought a house for them as soon as she could?

Not only was her relationship with her family never going to change, but neither was her life. That was all that there was for her and she was good with that.

Even though I have been in a pickle of sorts for the past few years (or 'several', edging on to a full decade), I have truly enjoyed my life. And no one has to tell me about taking the bitter with the sweet. I have done all that and still have managed to smile and get back to gettin' on the sunny side of my life.

But I worry and even fear of being set up in a hospital room and not being able to fully participate with my life. And like Maggie, with all that I have had to live thru, for me to have to fight my way out of life is to disrespect me and all that I did with my life. It may be a mess but it is MY MESS.


She is a religious girl and that is all good. But this is a sacrosacnt rule of mine. I don't want any 'heroic measures' taken should I be stricken and require hospitalization and I do want to have a legal document stating my wishes. For the life of me, I don't know why I haven't gotten that done, but it is something high on my 'to do' list.

I have imagined that I was sailing in my leaky boat alone for some time now. Maggie sailed in hers for a good while too, I reckon. Finding out the plugs you have used to fill the leaks not only have sprung but that the plugs themselves weren't worth a damn...

When I think about going out there the thought does occur to me that maybe this is the jump too far for me, a jump that is into waters that are too deep. Liking my life doesn't mean that I ignore the track record that I have had. Mike Brown had a far better record than mine and he got to see what that was worth, didn't he?

Maybe it is unlikely that I would ever be in such a circumstance... but it isn't the longshot that it once was. On ESPN's 'Outside The Lines' there was a story about a young man who suffered a concussion and instead of getting the proper diagnosis and treatment, was allowed to play in a game where he had 'second impact syndrome' and suffered serious injury. There was a lawsuit and the family won damages but watching the guy cope with his broken life was as heart wrenching for me as watching the movie.

Keeping this journal out here is a barometer of not only how I am feeling but how I am DOING. Same with making comments in other's journals. The 'catching up' that I do is a quirk of mine. The challenge for me comes when I am getting my thoughts together to stay on subject and to leave a sensible remark. I think for the most part that I do a good job with that. Yet when it comes to thinking about things like going to school and having realistic expectations... well, I don't know what else to say. I mean, there isn't much worse than falling short of your aims, not setting any insures that you won't get anywhere.


mac said...

We're born, we die, then we're burried.

It's what we do in between being born and dying that matter. I don't want my inbetween to be on a machine, being artificially kept around. What difference can I possibly make in that state?

If I knew it was coming, I'd like to think I'd take that bike out and just ride of a mountainside somewhere just to see how long I could hold her.
No, I am not planning that. It just seems like a good way to go - on MY terms.

That corgi :) said...

that is an awesome workout schedule you got going Mark. I bet it does give you a chance to do some thinking as you are hitting the pavement,so to speak, with your running

I definitely would look into getting advanced directives put into place so people know what you want and what you don't want when faced with those potential end of life issues. we need to work on the same here and seeing my hubby's aging parents who didn't have a plan for such things, it reminds me to be more diligent in working on our own

hang in there, seems like you are feeling better with things....


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

I would say from the last few entries that you are definitely coming out of your recent funk. That is great to see. Keep up the workout routine. I did get a few road days in while in CA, but have not hit the weights in a week. Hope to remedy that soon.