Thursday, January 21, 2010


Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you immediately wish you could turn back time and do it all over? Maybe something you said, or something you did; or something you wished you’d done differently, or not done at all?

Another reason to keep moving forward thru life. Once something is done, it is done. But that recognition that you have done something or said something that you wished you could erase from the memory of the universe is something all can identify with. Well, almost everyone. You have your extremes who can listen to the Pope admit to a sin and yet deny that they have ever wronged anyone.

Then you have those who schlep around being a victim for everything that goes wrong. Hey, Domino's pizza still sucks eggs (hey, 'suck eggs' is a Ministry reference!!). AKA was like that. I think she liked hanging out with me because I didn't pressure her to be anything more than the willful underachiever she was being. That, and I didn't grief her about her hoarding thing she was working. Yikes! Funny thing about that is, she would gig me about my penchant for having 'security piles' of books and magazine within reach.

Even if I was sitting somewhere scratching out this stuff with a pen on a piece of paper, I would be disappointed in myself for letting my cracks appear so openly. The 'it's been so difficult and you don't know...' stuff never played to a big audience in the theater of my mind. So even when stuff doesn't work out for me here (and this is an important distinction, this is about 'me' v. 'me & my SFC'... she has been a champ), it isn't okay for me to moan about it. NOVA and the District wasn't all that cool to me before. So I feel more like a someone who is in a fenced in yard with a dog who barks viciously when they walk past it. Then when the baseball goes into the yard and you nervously climb the fence because you don't see it, when you reach the ball the dog comes out of nowhere.

And now you are in the fenced in yard where you find that the 'mean dog' that made crossing the street the more preferable option, is snarling at you with a mouthful of pain, stitches and needles in the stomach... if you are lucky. You STILL have to find away out of the yard. With panic starting to leak from your groin you still find the composure to grab the ball and you survey the yard for a point where you hope get to the fence line and could make it over before becoming a chew toy.

Slipping as soon as you start to run, the dog begins to hound you (get it, get it??) and you dodge the canine's lunge. The fence looks taller and the distance greater but it wouldn't matter because you STILL have to get to the fence and out of the yard. A thought flashes through your mind... "Damn, should have told Dana to get this ball!" A few hours from that moment in the hospital and after several stitches and a series of rabies vacinations, the ball has indeed been retrieved. But you won't be playing anymore. Because the ball was the only thing that got out of that yard as it entered it.

NOVA is like that for me. So what am I DOING here? No really, what brought me here??


I told him that he was my balance, strength, light, calm and tranquility when I feel like I have none, my motivating force; the only person who brings me total and utter peace when things get overwhelming.

Another piece from somewhere else... I really should do a better job at crediting people, but what happens is I will read something and put it on a clipboard with all the other stuff I may pick apart and forget where or from whom I stole it from. What made this stand out for me is that people have described my role in their lives in those terms, family, buds, love interests, whatever. And for a long time that has been cool. I am glad that I was any of those things to someone.

If anything, I am wondering who was going to be that for me? I don't think I can tell myself I could have been a better son without asking where was my support when I needed it from family. Somehow, it doesn't seem right to me. But I was brought to what I was brought to...


Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Glad that you continue to let us know that SFC is supportive. Hope you can keep working things out.

DB said...

Sometimes we have to face the dog, as awful as it is. I have crossed the street to avoid a vicious dog. I have left a room to avoid a human dog approaching me with teeth showing in a fake smile. There are things I don't think about in order to avoid the nasty dog inside me.

There was a famous comedian, recently passed, who avoided all compnay because he knew that he was really a vicious, unpleasant person.

Otherwise, take the love that comes. It's never complete.