Sunday, July 19, 2009



I am trying to come up with something more appropriate for my profile description ... I no longer find that 'a lovable mess' as being accurate a description of me. See, while I am lovable, I am in NO WAY a mess.

Not anymore.

Also, I don't want to ascribe the randomness of 'luck' to any of the positive things that happen to and for me. There is a larger reason to why things occur, and the single most persistent question of my life has been "Mark, are you ready?"

Ready for the good that is laying there waiting for me to grab it and make it work, shaping it into a sculpture inspired by my vision. I have never doubted me ... but I haven't been true to the execution that was necessary to make my dreams come true.

Around the turn of the millenium, there was some very real and serious thinking going on here, and I wanted to really earn the things that I feel that I deserved ... not that anything had ever been denied to me, but that they came and I let them slip through my fingers.

The things that make sense to me, may not make sense to most people ... like hoping that someone from your past will either let you back into their lives or come and get you from the heap you have made of your own, but that was the inspiration I was given when I looked and found a new direction. There were couple of 'are you sure about this', that were asked of no one in particular before I got started on this journey of mine.

Checked everything that needed to be checked. What ever I didn't have, must not have been need or it will be provided for as I get on the road. What mattered was that I got underway.

Looks like some new folks have snuck in ... don't know what anyone expects to find here, because I am just 'nattering away'. But one of the first things I did was to set my OWN expectations and get ready for them. I think that many people get lost in that part of it, either they get bogged down in the details of things, or because that it is to broad to fit in their minds, they let go of the big picture and settle for the smaller one instead.

Details will drive you insane. You can't ignore them but at the same time, you can't slip up and make the small things your end. That is why you don't 'sweat the small stuff'.

But I do think, if I was forced to choose between getting lost in the happenstance of life and shrinking away from the grandiosity of trying to scale a mountain, I would choose to work at the details. Because by being timid, you are lost at something before the work is eve begun. Neither is preferrable, but still, with the details you are still working and trying.

Being scared means that opportunity passes you by in a rush. And I wouldn't have liked looking at the mirror if I did that.

I am not quick to assign any other significance to my time with Mookie other than to say that it was a period of growth and penance for me. Not saying that I earn or even deserve absolution, but I did want to put in more than the token effort that many people give when they want something different and better to come to them.


The summer of 2007 was when I 'got it' between Mookie and myself. We weren't going to be that couple that rides off into the sunset together. KT(my Carolina Girl) had a 'less than good' time, and I lost my darling brother. She was there only as a cutout. When we got back to 'the provencial town', I decided that I had better do an inventory of things between us. She was in danger of losing her life long job, was selfish BEFORE we got back together, and now had introduce 'coochie tag' into our relationship, while she was 'tippin' on the sly.

I am not saying that I wasn't hurt or anything by it. But I have too much knowledge that I have forgotten, experience gained from in the brier patches of life, for anything that someone so transparent could do to me. The most difficult part mentally and spiritually for me was little different from what went down with my wayward nephew (yes, I did talk to him ... and not sure if I care whether he got anything or not from it ... I wanted him to know that he couldn't bull crap ME...), because she felt she was 'getting over' on me.

Whatever. I had dues to pay.

During that long, lonely summer, I got what I needed as far as direction for what I was going to do with my life after Mookie. In the fall, I took action ... seems impersonal to describe something like going to see Nebraska as an 'action'. It was more than that. For me, it was a big sign of what I need to be doing, extricating myself from a failing relationship, and looking to build and make a new life, as a new person.


Or: "Letting My Experience Work For Me."

If I sound a little smarmy or whatever, that may come out in another issue. But people get on my last nerve, gnashing their teeth over someone that DOES NOT WANT THEM.

My thinking has been this. If I give you all that I can, and that isn't enough, the okay, fine ... for sure, for sure. I will take my things and move on. Don't have time to cry, because the energy that it would have taken for that, was put into trying to save the relationship.

We had a talk around January of '08, where we agreed to give it one more again. On Valentine's Day, we took a direct hit. The next month, we decided on calling things a day, agreeing that we would separate permanetly in June.

I left in May. I think we have spoken once only since then. Que sera.


Feel free to say what you think. You never know, I may reply, to discuss a point further or something. I mean, I don't mind because I am going to do what it is I am going to do anyway. That is that with that.

This IS part of the process, time for me to run a personal check of where I am at and what direction I am going. This has been a turbulent past two months, after a year of pretty tame comings and goings.



Celeste said...

I am glad to have been taking this journey with you.

Indigo said...

"Feel free to say what you think. You never know, I may reply, to discuss a point further or something. I mean, I don't mind because I am going to do what it is I am going to do anyway. That is that with that."

I couldn't agree more, I took a bit of flak about making Scream private and the new the end of the day I had to do what I needed to do for me. The next year is bringing a lot of changes. I'm glad I'm here for your journey, and likewise that your there for mine. (Hugs)Indigo

Bucko (a.k.a., Ken) said...

Time to move to the next phase :o)

DB said...

Mark, keeping the big picture in mind while dealing with the details, thinking summit while your stepping on rocks, is one of the trickist parts of moving on. This entry sounds very positive and clear headed. You've solved a bunch of things for yourself. It makes me want to look forward to what comes next.