Okay ... here we go!

PROGRAM CHANGE

Sometimes, I 'talk' to myself, when I need to be objective with my personal observations. But because we all share the same life, I don't want people to think that something that may be similar in their day to day, is what I am sorta talking about, when I am truly talking about myself. So there will be a lot more 'I' and 'me' in my entries.

THE PLACE WHERE I COME FROM

It is difficult to overcome some of the pressures from childhood. I think that I have an healthy enough ego, and think a lot of myself, with maintaining an outward modesty. Whenever someone observes something about me, I tell them that is only because they are 'here', and not 'out there'.

If you are 'out there', you don't know that I think I am the smartest guy in the room, or that I could knock you unconscious with a punch, or any of the things that I am proud of. The only people who know this, are the people that can get that close to me ... and they are few.

I could make a very good case for THIS, through journaling, being the only time that I felt like I have had 'friends'. And that is for real, not for pity. I have not missed what I never had. Trying to wish for friends in high school and stuff, is to open up other 'unintended consequences'. I have always known that when you 'monkey's paw' or 'Pet Semetary' for what you would rather have had happen, you aren't going to get what you think you will.

Though I have never had a bunch of friends, I am a friendly cat. I look and watch, and your happiness is my happiness. I have mentioned how when someone has something good happen to them, I feel like I move up in the line. This is my perspective, and I like to think that it works. I have had my shots at the things that I want, and that is that for that.

WHY I DON'T GET LONELY

Being human, I guess it happens sometimes ... had my 'moment' this week and apologized for it. But in the tradition of 'the two minute hate', when I say 'moment' that is just what it was. I WON'T feel sorry for myself, and I WON'T let myself feel miserable. PERIOD.

I have been feeling good for a while, but the effort that it took to feeling good, was begun way back in the summer of '07 ... and this is something that a lot of folks don't understand, why Bobby Knight was right. It was a tough job, getting here. When I decided to make myself happy, I put out some objectives, then wrote down how I was going to reach them. Then I went about making it happen.

Trusting in yourself is important too. Because like the line in the Billy Joel song, whether you have someone or not, "Either way it's O.K. you wake up with yourself ". I don't mewl, when I wish for company ... I go to sleep, play video games, watch the telly, what ever it takes, and I don't beat myself up about it. 'Get over it', is for real, and that is what I DO.

It took a little bit to get over the scarring left by my ex wife. May have been married to My Delta Girl, and 'champeen of the Star Federation'. Pecan Sandie is for real, an 'Art School Girl', and either her, or Tee Jay had nothing left to show me, in order to be my wife, so what happened?

I happened.

Christine Beatty's pastor (she of 'l'affair de Kilpatrick) said of her problems, that "Mistakes are accident. These are character flaws." That statement echoes a sentiment that I think I share, which is why when I screw up, I grab it and put it in my bag, because it is mine, and I will either have to fix it, or take it somewhere to be fixed. But I won't ever, ever, ever, sit around, whining about what I have screwed up. When I put in my profile, 'lovable mess', there are those who could rightly say 'he's full of sh*t'. And for them, that is what they know.

BUT I AIN'T TALKIN' TO YOU, I AM TALKIN' TO TIM!

Do you think I let what folks that say stuff like that bother me? I account for it, and drive on. That is something that I watch other folks who are in need of change in their lives for. Are they going to let the same people, with the same bad advice/habits/lives, sit around and keep them rooted to crap stuff? The level of thinking that brought you to your problem, cannot be the level of thinking that gets you out of it.

The reason "winning isn't fun, it is hard work", is that for real, it isn't. It is an acquired taste, and you have to be committed to it. Everyone wants the fruit from the tree, but who wants to dig, plant, fertilize, and make sure it grows and waits until it blooms? That is why everyone isn't a 'winner'. But once you accept that you do what you have to do, then you will find the 'fun' in winning.

There is a buy in that takes places ... Mookie refused to do it, and so, I am at my Dad's trying to win this 'get back into it' round in the fight for my life. Not to digress, but that is part of what is important in a relationship, the 'buy in'.

But before you can do that with someone else, you have to do it with yourself! I get up and I say that I am going to do what is best for me today ... then go out and do it!

When I mention that I've 'tried to feel bad', that is also for real. I won't let myself 'feel bad'. To save on energy, I take to heart, the 'too blessed to be stressed' ideal. What gets me, is how many people have great circumstances, and don't acknowledge them, preferring to waste away in the tired process of wanting something without offering anything in return for it.

Or, simply not doing what they can, in order to help life get them what they want.

Missing being in a bad situation ... there is NOTHING about the person that I have left, that is going to make me long for them. Since I made the choice, it may mean that I am not finished developing on my lonely. Let me work on that first, before I really 'stretch out and wait' for someone to enter my life.

RUNNING LONG, I KNOW ...

... but because I had to get used to being 'on the outside' of cliques, becoming the 'in be-tweener', I never expected wide acceptance. I fixed my mind to try to please myself, and hope for just one person to want me like I want them. For me, to miss having someone to go to movies with, is to shame all the movies I have seen by myself, or the events and things that I have done, alone.

To want company, would mean so many other things, that I don't want to sit and say 'waahh, I am lonely and I wish someone was here to be with me!' Because if you are coming from a broken relationship, I would think that you would want to put 'company' on hold, and think about what YOU DID, to deserve that ... because no matter how crap Mookie was, I had to have DONE SOMETHING to have gotten from her, what I got. Now, I may disagree with the cost, but can't dispute that I was part of what became a irreconcilable difference.

Besides, when it comes down to it, 'I love me some me!' (winks!) If you can't say that to yourself, then fake it until you believe it! And you will stop being lonely, and start to find the pleasure that abounds in your life. That is what I do.