THE TIME OF TIMELESSNESS

CAN'T EVER REMEMBER ...

Sometimes, being on 'the outside' looking in at life, isn't that cool. Being on the fringes, in an elliptic orbit between the cliques growing up, leads to a lot of 'alone time'. I grew up adjusting to not having groups and buddies, so that I is part of why I raced away from cameras. I didn't want to BE remembered.

I have told myself that it was alright ... that this had to be SOMEONES burden, and it, like most hero stuff, had fallen to me. Rightly or wrongly, I have adjusted to not being among a large group of people. Even now, my cell phone rarely rings. When AKA and I was 'out', I could go DAYS without getting a phone call.

But when I say 'no worries', I mean EXACTLY that. It has been too darn long for anyone to 'jinx' me with 'aw Mark' about that. I don't pity myself ... for ME to do that, is to be in denial about what I have done, and owning up to what I have brought upon myself.

Do I ask 'why?' I don't have that special person that I want? I try not to, but when I do ...

... I know the answer.

WHAT IS GOING TO BE SPECIAL ABOUT '09

See, the thing is, I have always thought that change begins the moment change is decided upon. But back in May, when I made my 'break' for it, I had a special feeling about the next year. Looking at the calendar, I would finally 'synch up' with the rest of the world, and when folks are making 'pledges' and 'resolving' stuff in their lives, I will be doing the same thing. I am plotting and setting a course with groups of other folks, who want to heal, who want to fix broken lives. They are hoping and saying that they are going to face the darkness, to fight the fight that they need to, in order to start living the lives that they have hoped for.

I 'tea leaf' my life, and try to read things. The three people that I have rediscovered, reminded me that at one time of my life, I was among a group of 'get after it' people ... and their success is a sign of hope for me, because THEY are a measure of the kind of person that I AM.

And like the cat from my neighborhood that I couldn't beat as a kid, they mentioned events we shared that were great times, for real. They had me remembering that I still had in me so much more ... and that is what I am going to hang onto.

I have been on the edges ... this time, I am starting in the pack with everyone else that is running this marathon, maybe for the first time ever? I will be trying to get things 'set' with everyone else, and that is a good thing for me. See, I feel that I have the experience of having flown high before. While I did come back crashing down, I never stopped believing that I could fly. Connecting with my friends, is a sign too, that things are looking up for me. The song 'Wind Beneath My Wings' fits, as corny as it sounds. But don't let that fool you, because it is true.

NEVER ... NOT ONCE ...

... when I got the message that it wasn't going to be thru boxing, I just stopped. No muss, no fuss. I miss it, but it is my own way that 'boots on the ground' would let you understand that it is no big whoop. The reason being, is that there MUST BE something else that I am set up to do.

My dreams are still there, waiting for me to live them. I want to be happy, and I want to be fulfilled. But sometimes, it is being on the road, is the goal. Once you are on that, it doesn't matter how many times you start over, because the ROAD is the GOAL. So if you need to start over, do so, and begin your work again.

Haven't let go of my dreams. This is not to say that they haven't 'grown' with me, and are different. As I said with my picture, I still see myself as 16, being a thick, squat cat, as I do now. The scale says one thing, my mind says another.

My point being, is that my dreams still look as special and as amazing to me, as they did when I thought I was going to be 'heavyweight champion of the known universe'!

I am enjoying being with my Dad, and looking forward to my two big 'away trips', one to Georgia to see Lexxie and the other a recon mission to Nebraska. The only long range thought in my head, is a summer time trip to see KT for a change.

And that is it. The only thing I feel comfortable with speaking into being, is my desire to somehow work in the schools ... from a 'Frazz' like school engineer, a teacher's aide, or somehow, A TEACHER, is with finding a special person, part of what should be on my path that I am walking along.

One reason that I have thought people break their resolutions, is that they don't make them important enough to them. Some of the resolutions have nothing to them ... people say things without any 'kenning', and therefore, they fall apart when the wind blows.

When stuff comes out of my mouth, it becomes SOMETHING. As I start off, I keep in mind that I am never more ready to do this, than right now, and I have never been more ready, ever. Not to get all 'high falutin' about things, but I do think that I have been tested and prepared to deal with most anything that life has to offer, and I have what it takes, not out of wishful thinking, but out of having DONE things.

FACING YOUR FEARS

Talk about that later gator! My hands are sore!