Random Stuff

NOT ONLY IS THIS LONG ...

But it comes with a 'content warning', because hey, I am a guy and being that, I think 'guy thoughts'!

ON WITH THE SHOW

There are hearts lying open, and mine is one of them. Yet, I am going have to say that my 'reformation' is a HUGE advantage to me. Being on 'the other end' of this and having made others live through it, helps me out BIG TIME.

There hasn't been much Mookie talk, because when I began to first have my questions to the viability of our relationship, I started to 'miss' her. Miss watching her dress, catching her smile. I started to miss the subtle hints of red in her complexion, watching her dress and transform into the woman that I loved...

... I spent good, quality time with lil' Mook, talking and sharing. Helping her with her homework and negotiation through her social circle, laughing and joking. I can't help but think there would be more of me in her ... especially now. We have some common interests, and I think I made a fine contrast to the other influences in her life ...

... yeah, I want to be something in a child's life. Not taking my role in my daughter's life for granted, but ... if you are in the neighborhood, you know what I am getting at.

One of the 'unknown common things' between Nebraska and I, is that before Mookie and I got back together, the idea of being a 'big brother' entered my mind. She is involved with foster children ... so being her friend will add that desired dimension to my life, and put some 'maybe chips' in her mind about us.

MISDEMEANOR

One of the things that I have been 'looking for' is someone speaking frankly about their sex life. Not interested in the 'gymnastics' of it, but with some of the single folks, I am like, 'whaddya do?'

Me, I really think that I have had my fill, thank you very much, of the random, meaningless sex thing. Have NOT A DOUBT that I could get laid, by someone off my grid, you see. I think that I could walk out into the snow, and pull who and what I wanted. But I don't.

When I finally saw that I was leaving 'pieces' of myself with these women... and those pieces were being replaced by pieces of THE WOMEN, all their hopes and desires ... their fractured dreams, that perhaps with a sincere and true partner could be made, if not whole, functional enough to claim as good, the weight of it began to drag me down.

Now, I can still see Sandie's eyes, and hear the passion and anguish in her voice ... and from her, it happened with Tee Jay. Between those two relationships, I should have had been able to find my bliss. And this is not reflective of the OTHER great people I have been with, and screwed over in the recklessness of finding my way to here.

Between those last two though, I want to think that I 'got it', or I have gotten more of it. With Sandie, I was able to realize that I was still carrying scars from my marriage, and that they hadn't healed properly. She had some 'hottness' to her, but she was willing to work on it ... more important than just doing it for herself, she was willing to do it for me, for US.

Tee Jay, straight from Mumford High (you know, the school Axel Foley went to) said that she wanted something different and wanted to take that chance. And we had a good relationship. She said something at our dinner date that felt like an ice pick thru my heart ... that I was the best boyfriend she had in her life. Mind you, she was married, so you would think that he was maybe that before things went south.

But in her elaboration of that, she acknowledged that it was more of what 'he was to her, than she to him'. I was that guy that made her feel 'special'. I had hoped that was what I was doing ... but now after I had hurt her so, to find out that I had accomplished my goal, I was ... feeling like I did not deserve to find love. Again.

But I got up then and got after it. Now, opening up and 'formalization of a dialogue' with, I do wonder about what WILL be what.

WEIRD, HUH?

Because I am 'horny', I thought that I would be talking more explicitly about sex. But I guess that isn't what I am about. Having LITERALLY been around the world (though I do wish I had taken pictures ... will NEVER been in Monte Carlo again, young and single in Finland is not gonna happen either!), I have had my share of that kind of thing, for myself and several other people, to be sure.

Thing is, I NEVER WANTED THAT. I remember a high school girl that I wanted to run away to ... get this ... TEXAS with! Didn't know what we were going to do, how we were going to get by, but I did have a license, a couple of thousand dollars, and we both thought we had love ..! So romance has been what I have been looking for, not 'booty'. Which is why I think I carry so much of people with me. By nature, I am trying to get to know them, on a deeper level than horizontal.

I used to keep a little book o' stuff ... might revive it. Things about who ever was and what may be one day ... the little small things I notice about a person, or some spot to go to, maybe it will be special for us as well.

Keep a 'dating diary', so that when I meet that super special someone, they will see how much I doted on them, and the effort I put into our relationship ... like putting up with her family on holidays! Mind you, I am alone but NOT lonely! I will be cool after I finish this, and that is for real.

See, with both AKA (I will get to how she got back into the race soon enough!) and Tee Jay, I could call and talk and share with. But the awkwardness of 'getting separation' is what bothers me. Not to brag, but I am good company, like any good, friendly house cat. Tee Jay mother STILL likes me ... as does AKA's parents.

When I get my fill, I am going to want to go home ... and that is where the 'issues' begin.

DON'T GET ME WRONG

Wouldn't mind playing 'sleep away camp' with Tee Jay. But that is 'cost prohibitive' as well as perhaps emotionally risky. With AKA, it IS both, and there is another odd thing to that scenario, one which is why I thought there would be more 'pillow talk'.

Sex with her. I would rather not. Needless to say, SHE doesn't think it is bad, in fact, she has remarked that she thinks we 'fit'. And I am like 'how?' I am ALWAYS uncomfortable with her, for TOO MANY DAMN REASONS! It kind of reminds me of Jaye Davison to Stephen Rea in the 'Crying Game!' I like her for reasons totally unrelated to some of the reasons she like me. And though we have had clear conversations about us, even as far as my telling her about my desire to move to Nebraska, I well know, that what a WOMAN hears isn't what she is understanding.

Talk about complication. I don't really like 'just a lay', which is why I don't press Tee Jay. And with AKA, you would never convince me, that doing that would be 'just that'. Yeah right. Hey, I have WRITTEN THAT BOOK! Even as I say this, it may happen ... but it would be neat to manage around that.

Hmm ... a 'thought trend' is developing. I wonder where this is going to lead?