Chillin'

JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER

When the show 'Eli Stone' came on, I was like all in, because I still use music to say for me what I feel. I also liked the 'vision' aspect of things, because all my conscious life, I have believed 'if you can't see it, you can't be it.' That is why I stay positive, and if I am going to struggle, it is going to be a struggle in staying expectant and positive.

Man, it is such a crap, default position to look at the negative and wallow in that. What is the freakin' use of getting out of bed, if all you are going to do is Schleprock your way thru EVERYONE'S day?

So when I was a kid and heard the song 'Just As Long As We're Together' by, I had an idea of the kind of relationship I would want to have. I wanted to feel like that, like 'just as long as we're together, everything gonna be alright'.

I am not scared (another word, that I put next to 'fear' and 'tired' ... like Eric B, I am never scared!!) to tell someone how I feel. When Pecan Sandie and I got together, I was in a pickle with my managers and with Nixxie. She listened, and did her best. It was with her I realized that I was still hurting over my marriage.

This kind of thing, IMO, goes on with more guys than people would think. But it goes under reported, and gets swept under by the attention grabbing things that happen between men and women. Acting out of pain, means you are like a relationship 'Typhoid Mary', carrying the hurt and the pain from the previous relationship that hurt you. I was still hurting from my marriage ... I thought I was immune.

Pecan Sandie was passionate with her emotions. She is a smart, creative, artsy girl and did not mind that I could help her in the kitchen. It has always, always, been one of the great mysteries to why women say they want someone who can appreciate that there is more to life than football on Sundays, then try to emasculate someone for being able to dish with them about 'What Not To Wear'.

I am sure that I create a strange mix for a lady. But in studying patterns in my life, the relationships that I have warm feelings for, were with understanding, aware, women. Sandie, is one of those kinds of women.

STAY

If I were to detail things between her, Lexxie and I, you'd want to slap me in the face. Worse, I would let you. The excuse that I used at the time, was that sometimes her 'passion' sometimes would reach a boil ... and it reminded me of a time where boiling emotions spilled over.

She admitted to her part ... and she tried. Did I try? What does it matter? Like Yoda told Luke, "Do or do not. There is no try". And I didn't.

When I did come home, I had some coin in my pocket ... wasn't what it could have, or maybe should have been, but as stakes goes, it was pretty good. No one would have turned it down if I gave it to them. Had my beloved 300zx and a nifty lil' BMW 320i for the material show stuff. I was comfortable, as far as worldly things.

But my heart ached.

AND THE CHOICE IS YOURS

From the Black Sheep song, 'The Choice Is Yours'. I will prolly elaborate on that later, gator. But it's true, the choice is yours. I don't know if too many people who wonder why it isn't happening for them, know it is about the choices you make.

Sitting around, kinda like now, I opened up and looked inside of myself, to see what was in there. There was some good, and some less than good stuff to be found. Moved what I didn't want in there, out. Put other stuff on the top shelf. Got the geared up to go get the things I didn't have, and determined that I wouldn't stop until either I got it or ... well, you know.

Remebering how I first saw Tee Jay, not wanting to talk to anyone, let alone try to date again, preferring to slip into my 'inner Nigel' (yes, yet ANOTHER reference to another song!), instead of being confused and uncertain, I stepped up and did what it is I do.

Which is how it came to where it made sense for me to ride from the 48227, with a bunch of flowers to 48235. I needed to 'do what it is I do'. There isn't anyone else who is thinking about her the way that I do. When I showed up, on a surprise, the look on her face was worth braving the weather.

See, when I 'introduced myself' formally (formal intro's, one's where you 'air out the laundry' should be done on the third date and prior to 'bunking up'), I told her about everybody who mattered to me, Skye, KT, and Lexxie and our relationships. Told her that I visited my babies in Carolina and Georgia (we didn't start doing 'home and home' until the girls were 5) and that I am not going to be 'ho'-ing around for the rest of my life. Looking for a commitment means you have to be willing to commit. I am there.

So that was the gauntlet I threw down. I want to be in something that is going to last, and I was going to stay. Since my hands hurt, it means that I've been typing too much. Needless to say, Yoda was right -- had I been a 'go', I wouldn't be writing this, would I?