I admit, I am a little confused. I know you have some lingering feelings for Tee Jay, but your goal has been to get to Nebraska. Are you getting sidelined by distractions, or is this what you really want. There is no in-between here, you should pick.
I have to admit, that there is a lot of mess in my latest entries. Perhaps I should talk a little bit more about me.
Now what has occurred to me as a result of boxing (hmmm, you mean to tell me that years of getting hit in the head is NOT a good thing?) has left me with a variety of challenges. But they are challenges that I believe that I am uniquely equipped to face.
Sometimes, I don’t think that most people ‘pick up’ on anything right away, but after Nebraska said she ‘caught it’ when we met at the bus station, I have given up caring, because it doesn’t matter to me. I know what I can do. Anywho, as to why I feel that I am ready for this next stage to my life, it begins with an article I read in the Greensboro News & Record, one that I clipped and saved (but please don’t make me go and get it right this second!) about the brain.
It seems that the brain once was considered ‘static’, as it was believed it did not grow and you had what you got. But that isn’t the case, and the brain has its own way of remaking itself. You know how it is when you have one of your senses affected; other senses ‘pick up’ the slack? The brain does that, and you can consider that akin to the way your body changes from exercise. It gets stronger and more effective.
When I read that, as I have never not once been acutely aware of the risks from boxing (btw, more FOOTBALL PLAYERS suffer serious brain injuries than boxers), and its potential effect on me. So I kept reading and learning, being more than willing to try something different and experience things.
Rode in a stock car, and did some of that rafting stuff in W. Va. All sorts of ‘non-black’ things (I couch it that way, because of intercene ignorance … the agony of that), as well as the usual ‘Mark stuff’, reading, trying to write, and general willingness to learn something new. And I do feel I operate with a larger 'budget' than most, so there is still enough for me to spend, you get me?
Who is to say WHEN things started to happen? Could have begun when I was let go of my last job, as my performance had slipped, perhaps? I did know that I was ‘touched on my shoulder’ for my last fight, and said that was it. But going back a little, before I lost my job, my BFF and I were talking about life and love, and that is when I came up with my idea of ‘going back to go forward’.
For me, the more I think about it now, the more sense it makes for me, even more than it did then. I have had great fortune with ladies (though I have to admit, is was more as a rake and as a dandy than a gentleman), and that in trying hard to be one person cat, that someone who KNEW that is what I want, would be able to ‘help’ me, and understand that they were also helping ‘us’ at the same time.
It came into my consciousness as ‘things I have never done before’, which allows for it to be a workable theory. The way it goes, is that if you have things you have never tried, yet you still want something, how badly do you want it? I mean, if there is something that could make it happen for you and you chose to ignore all possibilities …
As bad as a choice it is for most people, I didn’t think that it would be that bad for me. Whatever bad will or acrimony between us should have died down … right? At any rate, I liked my instincts. Not only that, for the first time in my life, I was hung up over someone.
It had been a couple years after we broke up, when I came up with a way to factor Tee Jay into my thoughts. Had started chatting up Nebraska around the same time, and figured I could pop her back into ‘my life’ this way as well.
Sometimes, fate is what you make when you make the right choices. What is right for now is to be a little confused, not because I am, but because those are big things to consider, and I have other smaller things to attend to. And isn’t it usually when you get to all the small things, the big things either go away or aren’t that big at all?
To me Ken, this issue is a ‘big thing’ and I can’t swallow this in one chunk. My emotional needs far outweigh my physical desires. I don’t need to lay with anyone, but it would be nice to let my heart speak and sing (as off key as it is!) once in awhile. Nebraska doesn’t let me ‘talk this way’ with her, and admittedly if Tee Jay responded, it would be a case of ‘getting what I asked for’.
Plus, Sage Steele is quite fetching in the mornings, and I am not yet ready to give her up!