Saturday, March 8, 2008

... as the pressure eases ...

... and lil' Mook has my NPR Radio trying to win lil' Wayne tickets.  Don't laugh, she has won PLENTY of concert tickets!

Well, a friend of mine thought that I should more clearly explain my emotional outburst for the past two days, maybe even apologize.  But as I have said on occasion, this is an ACTUAL DIARY.  I don't keep this out here for an extension of my ego, or to court attention.  My computer is down, and I type far better than I write.  So this came up, and this year I decided to put it to full use.

Now my Mother was not a believer in diaries.  But then, she never suffered from what I do.  I 'tip-tap-tip' my words and feelings because my feelings are what I trust as a guide.

That I told 'violent' stories this week preceeding my contremps (now THAT is a good word ..!  And I thought that one straight away!) with my good friend Hutch is merely coincidence.  Like I said, I can remember feelings, and sticking up for the ones close to me, reminds me that despite what some people may think, I am the kind of guy that 'pays it forward'.  I honestly believe the small acts of random kindness that I do will amount for something.  Too many times I have been the recipent of such small things, like some of what made my day go well before I traded mail with my friend.

Went to the barber shop, and the older cat that I go to was there.  All the 'hep cats' flock to the other youthful barbers, but I would rather go to the older guy.  We have more in common, as we were both soldiers.  His chair is in the back, and directly across from him, is the girl who braids hair and I guess fix up any female that would come in. 

I have noticed how she tries to turn and position herself when I come in and talk with my barber.  We talk about 'different stuff', serious and weighty things, like yesterday's conversation was political.  So I mention Lupica's comment about the '... Clinton's waiting for you after the baseball game,' and how I was a John Edwards man, because I was in Carolina, and that was who I voted for.  He was the only one that made a platform where the things that were on my mind was a priority.

Anyway, me and the barber, having been soldiers, agreed that it is going to take more than justbringing the soldiers home, to bring them home.  From the political destabiliztion of the Middle East, to America being lock out of the oil markets (uh, we ain't friends with South America, the Russkies, Indians and the Red Chinese all are down with both Africa AND Iran), and personally, I am not sure how well Obama is going to manage the country.  But he has started to 'act' on my political will, so I guess ...

Now this is when I think that I am attractive.  When I am talking about subjects of substance, whatever it is.  I told people who say they had no interest in the Super Bowl, that they didn't care because the didn't watch it with me!  I would have created a narration that would have held their attention, and they would have found that yes, they would care.  The conversation, the little attention, all that was a small thing to those providing it, but it meant a lot to me.  It confirm things that I do think about and wonder.

No lie, I am good at reaching people.  Had to be, because THAT, not my rush to anger, is the defining characteristic.  I try as hard as I can not to think out of what I call 'the bad mind'. 

Avoid making major decisions when you are feeling lousy about yourself.  No matter how urgent it is, get a freakin' piece of chocolate cake, treat yourself to a good movie, what ever it takes to easy that negative pressure that has been created in your mind, THEN think about what comes next.  Is that in itself difficult?  Sure, as they fueled my RANT!  But I can't let myself make decisions in that state of mind.  I have already shown myself that I am prone to making bad choices in the RIGHT frame of mind!  How much more then, in that crap, angst-fueled state I was in recently.

So I came down here and let my fingers do the walking!  And now ...

IT'S THE MAN YOU ALL KNOW AND LOVE (I think his name is Kwame!)

That is the name of a song I have on cassette, from the way back in the day time, when I still liked rap music a lot.  I was a wee bit arrogant, and I would walk around with this tune in my head, just a smilin', skinnin' and grinnin'. 

Not too much like I am doing now!

I am chill, and I do mean that.  Like I said in my last line in my previous entry, 'don't want to scare the girls'.  That was a Def Con 4 feeling I was in.  Sure, I have forgiven in my heart, and no, I don't think Hutch was justified for getting ballistic with me.  But I have let a lot of people take their shots, and I try to find a way to deal.  To be sure, Col. Jessup had a point when he said, "... the truth, you can't handle the truth!"

As to talking about 'beating people up' ... I struggle to remember doing it because I 'wanted to', or someone crossing ME PERSONALLY.  I remember gettting out in front of people for others, but not for me.  I know what would happen, and don't the Bible say '... as we forgive others their trespasses'?

Because our trespasses are already forgive, right?

So if I say some mean, hurtful things here, it is because I am not allowed to be mean and hurtful HERE.  Like I said, I wouldn't hurt anyone feelings, unless it was the absolute last resort.  And I have found that usually, I find another way before I get there anyway.

When I remember being bullied as a child, even as a teen, I never really thought about 'getting people back', and certainly not for myself.  Whenever I stuck up for anyone of my siblings, I really felt it was an honor and privliege, albeit one that I wish they did not grant me with the frequency that they did!  When I think of going off into the great unknown, I do so in the confidence that my path is made and is there, even if I don't see it just yet.  It always has been, and always will be.  I do think it is like that for most of us, and it is our responsibility to find it and stay on it.

Can't come out and say 'sorry' ... what is it I am apologizing for?  Being human?  And I feel that I drop enough 'parental warnings' about subjects that may offend or be distasteful so that people can 'click' that button and opt out of this. 

So let's shake hands, sing 'Kumbaya', roast some marshmellows, and tell scary stories under the blanket with a flash light!

Peace out y'all ..!


lv2trnscrb said...

Mark, this is YOUR journal; you write what you want and you don't have to apologize for anything you write here for anyone that chooses to read it; it is a not a required book for a required class, it is your thoughts; people can choose to read it or click the "x" box and move on to the next journal. People forgot that with these journals; they forget that its the person's that is writing it and they have the right to write what they want; so you just keep writing what you feel led to write to record your life as you seem fit

I personally like journal keeping; I keep a prayer/devotional one that I write down thoughts in and its amazing to go back and read them from time to time; seems like I'm always struggling with the same issues from year to year to year

Good for lil' Mook winning concert tickets hope she wins lil' Wayne tickets, although I've never heard of the person/group.


mpnaz58 said...

Hey, its your blog, you can say what you want.  The occasional rant isn't going to hurt anyone, least of all yourself.  I find that just getting the words out of my body, and mind, onto the computer screen...whew...I feel better already.  Makes sense to me!
xoxo ~Myra

csandhollow said...

The more I read the more I like you.