Friday, January 18, 2008

... keeping the balance right ...

When I say that I ‘grandfathered’ Nebraska in my life, a few years ago I had made a choice not to pursue any new romantic relationships, meaning I wasn’t going to try and pick up on anyone.  Though I have had my troubles, I have met many nice women to have developed a relationship with.  That they didn’t happen, is my responsibility.  I dare not ask for more, so I figured that I had already met the person I was supposed to be with.  Because Nebraska and I had started talking before I came to this conclusion, she gets to be counted too.

            Before I could saddle up and investigate whether or not my ‘guardian angel’ (what, YOU don’t have one … or so you think … we ALL do … I try to listen to mine) had pointed me in the correct direction, Mookie Dee reappeared in my life.  We had a good re-connection, so I went with the flow.  When I first landed in Michigan, she had a steady beau, so I didn’t pursue her then.  This time, she was single and I was too.  Game on!


            After a while of racing back and forth on I-96, we decided to move in together.  We tried to cover as much as we could as far as expectations and how things should run.  That done, we took the plunge!


            Now this is all going on pre-diagnosis.  In fact I am still boxing here and there, in the small towns of Appalachia and the Ohio Valley.  Our start was pretty good, and since I had let her know what she was getting into as far as my girls, we were able to manage the spring/summer stuff as far as KT, Lexxie, and Skye were concerned.


            But at some point, Mookie started to change.  Because I don’t want to 1) digress, or 2) revisit something I have already decided on, I am going to get back to meeting Nebraska in Chicago.  I was feeling pretty bad about things, from real loss and perceived ones.  There didn’t seem to be anyone to share with, and I had started to go back to those years of isolation that I call my adolescence.  ‘The Era of My Discontent’, was what I called it, and I was living in a similar period again.  I didn’t quite fit, and I was losing myself.


            That meant I had to do something.


            Visiting Chicago was my intention all along, to see my sister.  Inviting Nebraska was a sudden, very Mark-like thing to do.  It fit my pathology, and when she accepted, I KNEW … my life was going to take another arc, upward and towards the light …


            It was easily one of the best experiences I have had in the past ten years … we even had a ‘moment’ downtown, with Lake Michigan in the background and the bustling of the Navy Pier surrounding us, I stepped back and ‘framed’ the emotions in that moment, so that I may carry it with me.  I miss making those moments. 


            While I was hoping that Nebraska felt the magic, alas it was not to be.  In fact, I got less than stellar reviews, two and a half stars by my estimation.  Ouch.  But what I got out of it was that IT still is out there for me.  I need to do a better job of being ready for it.

Though I was scraping my way back to me, the decision to go and see what was still possible has really sped things along for me.  For better or worse, I am mine once again.  From here, I can hope and let myself dream of what I can still do, of what is still for me to achieve.


            What is wrong with chasing a dream, if it gets you to move, to live?  What is wrong with having something that creates a great passion in you?  The decision to chase that dream, why is it sooo hard for most of us?


            I can’t stop chasing the things that I still want in my life.  I want to feel as loved as I think I have managed to make others feel (and if they didn’t feel that with me, why do they still seek me out ..?), to be in a healthy loving relationship.  There are enough things for me to equivocate on … my professional life hasn’t been what it could have … some of my personal pursuits have been ill-managed.  Doesn’t mean that my game is over, just means it is a new game, and I have to figure out how it is to be played.


            Yeah, I am going to get all ‘Stuart Smalley’ here and affirm myself … no one else is going to be doing it for me,


lisa41076 said...

A very thought - provoking entry Mark, hope you have a good Friday, Hugs Lisa

dca721 said...

From what I've read,
Seems to me
Nebraska, missed out.
I'm pretty much on the same path.
I figure, if/when it's real, it won't be confusing
I won't have to guess.
Because I will just know.
Have a good weekend.

starstarj said...

Just curious how old are you? It would help if you did a profile on your blog

rdautumnsage said...

Sounds like you are coming into the age of you. Took me a long time to find that place myself. I think 38 was when it occured to me, I wasn't meant to be a punching bag and the other end of a fist wasn't suppose to connect with me......Long story, hard life, too many broken bones later. I came into the age of me to once again feel beaten into the ground and lose the last of my hearing.

My take, new adventure, although a more silent one. I once had a friend say to me with everything I had been through in life I had a right to be a bitch for the remainder of it. My reply was why? Life is a continuation that is constantly changing from day to day, year to year. While we mire away in our misery we miss out on the beauty of what another day brings. Nebraska lost out.....someone else will want to walk the same path your on.....sometimes it takes time. And then again sometimes the only answer lies in how at peace with yourself you are. (Hugs) Indigo

toonguykc said...

A new game.  I like that approach.


libragem007 said...

from reading this entry, sounds like you're a sensitive guy, (in good way) and I think any woman should be lucky to have you because of the sensitivity you possess (not needy one doesn't sound like you are) it just sounds like you just want a nice, true, and healthy relationship.
who doesn't want that? :-)

Have a great weekend,
Gem :-)

mpnaz58 said...

Kudos to you for realizing that its not too late...that there is still something out there for you, even if its not at "home".  My question would be, "does she know?"  Hey, maybe she feels the same..."is that all there is"?  We have but one life.  Live it to its fullest, learning from that past, but always pursuing the dream.  The power of possibility!
xoxo ~Myra