When I say that I ‘grandfathered’ Nebraska in my life, a few years ago I had made a choice not to pursue any new romantic relationships, meaning I wasn’t going to try and pick up on anyone. Though I have had my troubles, I have met many nice women to have developed a relationship with. That they didn’t happen, is my responsibility. I dare not ask for more, so I figured that I had already met the person I was supposed to be with. Because Nebraska and I had started talking before I came to this conclusion, she gets to be counted too.
Before I could saddle up and investigate whether or not my ‘guardian angel’ (what, YOU don’t have one … or so you think … we ALL do … I try to listen to mine) had pointed me in the correct direction, Mookie Dee reappeared in my life. We had a good re-connection, so I went with the flow. When I first landed in Michigan, she had a steady beau, so I didn’t pursue her then. This time, she was single and I was too. Game on!
After a while of racing back and forth on I-96, we decided to move in together. We tried to cover as much as we could as far as expectations and how things should run. That done, we took the plunge!
Now this is all going on pre-diagnosis. In fact I am still boxing here and there, in the small towns of Appalachia and the Ohio Valley. Our start was pretty good, and since I had let her know what she was getting into as far as my girls, we were able to manage the spring/summer stuff as far as KT, Lexxie, and Skye were concerned.
But at some point, Mookie started to change. Because I don’t want to 1) digress, or 2) revisit something I have already decided on, I am going to get back to meeting Nebraska in Chicago. I was feeling pretty bad about things, from real loss and perceived ones. There didn’t seem to be anyone to share with, and I had started to go back to those years of isolation that I call my adolescence. ‘The Era of My Discontent’, was what I called it, and I was living in a similar period again. I didn’t quite fit, and I was losing myself.
That meant I had to do something.
Visiting Chicago was my intention all along, to see my sister. Inviting Nebraska was a sudden, very Mark-like thing to do. It fit my pathology, and when she accepted, I KNEW … my life was going to take another arc, upward and towards the light …
It was easily one of the best experiences I have had in the past ten years … we even had a ‘moment’ downtown, with Lake Michigan in the background and the bustling of the Navy Pier surrounding us, I stepped back and ‘framed’ the emotions in that moment, so that I may carry it with me. I miss making those moments.
While I was hoping that Nebraska felt the magic, alas it was not to be. In fact, I got less than stellar reviews, two and a half stars by my estimation. Ouch. But what I got out of it was that IT still is out there for me. I need to do a better job of being ready for it.
Though I was scraping my way back to me, the decision to go and see what was still possible has really sped things along for me. For better or worse, I am mine once again. From here, I can hope and let myself dream of what I can still do, of what is still for me to achieve.
What is wrong with chasing a dream, if it gets you to move, to live? What is wrong with having something that creates a great passion in you? The decision to chase that dream, why is it sooo hard for most of us?
I can’t stop chasing the things that I still want in my life. I want to feel as loved as I think I have managed to make others feel (and if they didn’t feel that with me, why do they still seek me out ..?), to be in a healthy loving relationship. There are enough things for me to equivocate on … my professional life hasn’t been what it could have … some of my personal pursuits have been ill-managed. Doesn’t mean that my game is over, just means it is a new game, and I have to figure out how it is to be played.
Yeah, I am going to get all ‘Stuart Smalley’ here and affirm myself … no one else is going to be doing it for me,