Monday, December 31, 2007

the year ... in brief ...

My inventory for the year has already been done. I don’t wait for a specific day to change, only other to anchor the variation so that I can measure the results. But New Year’s resolutions? I don’t make them, and what changes I decide to make during the New Year’s period is more chance than planning.

General philosophy about change - do it now.

One of the reasons I am journaling, is because I admit to being flawed. Big whoop, because so is everyone. So I don’t feel like anyone can truly sit in judgement of me. Besides, someone looking in from the outside can point out the things that I am too near to see. Negative or positive comments, I take them all in. Be advised, I will prolly write you back, because this is a FUNCTIONAL DIARY, and there isn’t any reason to hit and run, so to speak, to try to flame me then not explain why.

Because I hope to stop mewling about my relationship, I will take a moment here to provide background. To start, it began when I got off the top twenty circuit as a boxer and returned to my hometown. I wasn’t going to be the next great heavyweight, and I was cool with that. I love boxing, and didn’t mind that I was getting smaller paydays, because I was doing something that I loved.

Here is where I get a bit fuzzy, but on purpose. Mainly because the burnt bridges that occurred during this period have been rebuilt. No need for any major details, save one, My Mother. She would make her transition during this time, and it had a profound effect on me. Not only did I not handle it well, I let a very fulfilling relationship waste away.

When I was finally able to pull myself back together, the woman I was involved with, had moved on. Thought about opening up a front and fighting for her, but that isn’t my style. I had my chance, blew it. Don’t want to get in the way of anyone pursuing their happiness, which is why the ‘drunk call’ is not a part of my character, and if I can, I will befriend you and yours <this annoyed my first wife … maybe I will talk about that later, gator ..!> and be very happy for you. I can take the first shot, but unless fate has a redux for us in store, I won’t hassle you again.

But when I lost out with my last girlfriend, I just pulled off the road and tried to do a deep inventory. My relationship experiences were mostly good ones, but I kept finding myself out of them. Since the women were disparate, I had to look at the one constant - ME.

What was I DOING wrong? Was I sabotaging myself? What was it? So I took about two years off, visiting my daughters and such, and picking off stray deer here and there <uh, y’all do get that, right? Not literally ‘deer’, but … aw forget it … if you don’t get it, why are you still reading this ?> and just going about things.

Then it hit me … I had already met my girl one way or another. Was it a townie chick from one of my fights? Someone from high school? Maybe my last girlfriend? Or could it be one of my Internet friends?

The thing I was sure of, is that I had already met the next great romance partner of my life. That is what I believe, and so that is how I acted.

Calling Mookie was not out of pattern for me. I have always kept some contact with her, whenever I would pass through, odd phone call, or by mail. When I had landed back in Michigan and had to go get my license to box, I stopped in and had a lunch chat with her. She was living with a guy, had used ‘our name’ for a daughter <so had I..!> …

So I took her off the list. Few more years pass, and I gave her a call and we started to kick it. Now, we are doing the highway thing back and forth, and grooving. Then we decided to do the move in thing. Though it over and talked it out, then we talked some more. Got things set and went ahead and did the thing.

I saw something on AOL about the 7-year itch turning into a 3-year itch. Don’t know if that is true or not, but this past year relationship wise, was terrible. And it didn’t help that I had personal challenges to face and could have actually used some support. That was when I noticed that maybe things had changed.

For us, the seas have been rough for going on two full calendar years. I don’t know what it is that is going on. The usual suspects have been brought in and questioned. So that left me with it is either her or me, that is not into ‘us’.

Getting married is kind of important to me. I have always wanted to be married. Need I say more. Given how fleeting relationships can be, I reached back into high school and gave Mookie a ‘promise ring’, that was a good size stone for our little economic scale. I felt compelled to let herknow in some way that I was committed to her, and to us.

And that went over pretty well, for about a week. Then things were back to the same as they ever was. I finally just asked her what did she want? If she wanted a husband at all, let alone for it to be me, let me know so that I can do something to help you make that happen. She kept saying that she was good with me, and that she saw a future with me.

Just never resulted in any change.

So late last spring, during another one of our discussions, she made a statement to the effect, ‘… we have the same talk it seems every month …’ . She kept speaking, but I stopped listening … she was right, they were the same topics that weren’t being addressed. That was when it struck me -- she wasn’t flexible enough to make me a part of her life. Hey, no worries. She feels she needs to do what she has to do for her own self interest. Guess what? So do I.

Because it was summer, I just started practicing swallowing my words. KT was on her way, and I wanted her to have a nice experience. Her Mom and I are uber cool, even if she went to Union and pledged Sigma <!?! … if I had known THAT when we met, we would have quickly unmet..! J/k>! I wasn’t going to have her send her daughter to a hostile environment. So I just got low like Jacques Cousteau and went with the flow …

Then when my baby got called home, my brother was called too … and as much as I miss my Mother, my only brother …

So I have that going on in my head just about everyday. Can’t even get close to being coherent about him, and I don’t anticipate ever being able to accept it. Just never the mind about him.

It did severely impact how I view Mookie. Leave that at that.

So it hasn’t been a good year personally. Did get to see someone who existed once as a figment of my imagination, in the flesh. And it was one of the best experiences of my life!! It reminded me of going to Air Assault school, and how despite all the effort and the pain, graduation was ultimate worth it, and I would be better for it.

Meeting Nebraska was like that. A supremely good decision to meet and get to know her. Period.

That event enabled me to pull out of a personal nose dive, and start thinking forward again. Being positive about life is something I am about, and I figure that I will let the sky limit me and that my limits are bounded by the horizon.

1 comment:

toonguykc said...

Wow...when you take personal inventory you get brutally honest with yourself.  That's admirable to say the least.  I'm not there yet.