What makes up a "personality"?  Is a personality the sum of all the things that you think??  If so, then the Emerson quote about the results of "sowing a thought..." takes a lot of the "if" out of "what if", at least it does for me  There are a few people who have crossed my life who would go on to success in their particular fields and when I recall those moments, I often reflect on the intensity with which they pursued their goals.  Often, people (myself included) believe that there is a precursor to the heights that one attains in life, like a good upbringing, rich parents, or somehow being "born" with certain gifts.  Though I am sure that having any or even all those things does augur success, they do not assure success in and of themselves.  But, as encoded by Emerson, the steady and sure practice OF the practice that bears success will make one successful.  That is what I saw in those people who made themselves, quite literally, the people that they are.  So, it isn't that I didn't "know better" as much as I did not "choose better".   “Sow a thought, reap an action; sow an action; reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character; sow a character reap a destiny.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

People tend to fail when they are unable to raise the level of their thinking.  This, I think, poses a conundrum … how can you raise the level of your thinking when it is how you think, ultimately, that brought you to where you to the level you are at?  This is why, IMO, people who are unsuccessful in their minds at life, are at a loss.  Yet when a person upon reaching a crossroads that demands that they make a decision, have only the processes that brought them to the conundrum that is leaving them exacerbated.  Our brains are designed to seek and maintain homeostasis… but our MINDS are what drives us forward, drives us to achievement.  And it is the mind that gives us our identity.  You are not only what you think, but also how you think.  It isn’t that success is reserved for only the successful, but for those who believe in their minds that they are, themselves, successful.

Since I was able to confirm my brain injury, I find that I have pushed myself down a narrower slice of being than the one that I was on before the diagnosis of TBI.  Part of that decision was out of necessity… I did not want too much exposure to the world at large.  But that is similar to the path to fulfillment, at least in regard to my personal journey, and to that of others who have the life that has been consciously lived .  The more that I have manage to accomplish, from putting my affairs in order, to relocating and settling into a different city, the more that I have continued to grow and evolve as a person.  I can say that I have a relationship with my oldest daughter, and it goes without saying that KT considers me her Father, capital F.  I have not given up on Lexxie and just maybe we all will get the chance to go to Epcot together. 

Back on message.  I have occasionally been amazed at the progress that I have made.  Eventually I will be able to consider myself the owner/operator of two businesses that improves the lives of those in my community.  I am also talking with someone about a real estate venture… and that still does not take in consideration other opportunities to build other small business and independent contractor-ish things.  The one thing that I do wish I had finished was my schooling, because of what it meant to me.  Even in writing that brings an immediate urge to “make it happen”.  While I prefer going to class, maybe I will have to do some of it online, or at the very least, make it a weekend thing.  Anything to get back on that horse and finish that race is what I plan to do!!

INTERMITTENT JOURNALING..!

The consul that I have sought in reframing the dawn of the latest era of my life makes journaling and important and intentional act in building a successful life.  In fact, the very act of being able to sit down and find that space where you can think clearly and put down what is on your mind and the thoughts that stream from those things to make up one’s consciousness is a precise step.  And that step, is one that takes me, or anyone, really, closer to making their goal a reality.  One of the constant ironies in my consciously choosing “a thing”, is the contrast that it has had in my philosophical mien until very recently.  Since this is not a “theory and practice” entry, I will leave things there and go on with what is in my mind.  For instance…

Much of the reason and purpose for my journaling has often been in conflict with the state of my present relationship.  Whether it is thoughts of gratitude, intention, or mapping, keeping separate from my current physical state of affairs has been a challenge.  That it has become such a challenge, it has me locked up and trying to find a thought stream that is flowing with thoughts of my independent future.  So that is going to be part of the test of my adaptation.  After all, the things that I am looking forward to are coming up in my rearview mirror… they are closer in my rearview and I need to be prepared for it.  Besides, I have failed to mention that my daughter, KT, is headed to Columbia for a summer internship and I worry… see, on an episode of “Law & Order” there was a young intern who…

BESIDES, I AM SOOO LUCKY..!

I have mentioned before how working at Pinnacle Fitness Club has given me access to people who “know people and things”.  For instance, recently I misplaced and then recovered my wallet.  I had been given an “in” to the Nebraska Medical Center (UNMC), so it was felt as a mid-major loss.  This Friday, I ran into the doctor as he was leaving the gym!  He wrote down the contact and Tuesday I will be doing a cold-call!  It won’t really be all that “cold” as she does have my card and knows I am stumbling around looking for her.  But I will be letting her know that we can likely make an arrangement that is suitable to help PD patients and get the franchise up and running!

KT called me recently to confide in me.  I felt like such a freaking PARENT that it was unbelievable.  I mean, I was measured, made her comfortable with a little inappropriate joke to make her feel comfortable talking about “stuff” with me.  This is something about our relationship that has really anchored me… that she talks to me about emotional things… even in high school she has been able to “cry on my shoulder”.  This is good, because she doesn’t feel that comfortable being that emotional with her Mom.  And that is being said to say this;  it really, and I mean REALLY, feels good to not just say that, “I have three daughters”, but to be an active participant in KT’s life and now, Skye’s life.  

My bike, Tiffany Waffles (Skye named her) is in the shop.  Seems like her crank is buggered up and that is my untrained assessment.  I am back on Madison and she is a people-powered bike.  And yes, I am a little more weary when I am done with my day.  Kitty’s daughter graduates from school on Mother’s Day… who holds graduation on Mother’s Day?

BACK TO BASICS

OUR ROMEO…

I am striving to fix my attention on the things that need my attentiveness the most.  For instance, I would rather plan for my classes both at the Pinnacle Fitness Club and in Papillion, but thoughts of “stuff” precisely the thoughts that I left the Motor to avoid, are cluttering my mind.  Given the preoccupation of my mind, the brain is unable to focus on the work that need to be done.  That said…

A few years ago I found this website, “Wait But Why?” is ran by Tim Urban and he even has a TED Talk about the topic that is at heart of my absence from my journal… procrastination.  He made a series of blog posts about “the why” of the subject and how to avoid the tricks and traps of the instant gratification monkey that lives inside of all of us.  When I started including Kitty into my life, I found that my time for myself began to shrink and I made the executive decision to let my “internet life” go into hypersleep whilst I focused my energies in my real world activities.  Soon, all I had were the small, niceties, of my life to content myself with, as I felt less and less productive with the construction of the life that I hoped to live.  Remembering Tim’s talk, I have decided to adopt some of the discussed principles and apply them to my life.

One of the things that I will HAVE to adopt is scheduling.  Going randomly from task to task is an easy way to become bogged down in the doldrums… the niceties of life.  And in observing Schopenhauer and what can be found in them, such as where a man’s character resides and how prone one is to being a scoundrel (or a**hole… take your pick, as they are too similar for me to make a distinction between them) or someone who you can place trust and faith in, is quite important when you are planning a “grand undertaking”, the operative word being “grand”, because as long as it is an accomplishment of major distinction to you, it is grand enough to be designated as such.  Yet, without a schedule, the “grandness” of your objective is not even a dream that becomes deferred, but something worse… a pipe dream, whether in a hookah or a crack one, may as well be a wish.

So I am going to be producing an entry a week, most likely either Thursday or Sunday.  Occasionally both days, but definitely one of them (unless noted), and it will be low on the ditherings of my social life.  While you can never return to a place, I do long for my initial time of solitude when I arrived in Omaha.  Being alone was something that I looked forward to, and accepting of my own personal faults, thrived while I was so.  I am not outright blaming Kitty for anything… but, I know that I was in a better state of affairs when we first met than I am now.   I did not become a “better person” for my experience with her… I am still tracking to be who I want to be, but after wandering around for a bit, I feel that I have certified the direction that I want to go.

In The New Year

https://youtu.be/dpBH1Dx2lI8

The Life And Times

Depression is hard.

As I dealt with my own internal struggles with the season (which came off winningly), a very serious migraine arrived, blooming with an aura while I was at work on the 20th, and just recently subsiding.  But other than that, the holidays have been pretty alright.  If there is any real disappointment, it is that I was not able to get out any holiday greetings to the few friends that I have made through the blog and keep in touch with.  I am going to amend how my approach to not only the holiday season but to my relationships as well.

For instance, I want to be sure that the people I have met and associate with through the fitness center I work for KNOW that I think they are kind of neat.  To say nothing of my good friends at Nutwood and my maybe-neighbors-to-be in the Motor.  I do think that I was able to have the presence of mind to send Nebraska a card, but I would not hold my breath.  From the tension, I felt as the season drew near (which prolly added to my migraine) being on the other side of it feels good.  Now, for my departed Mom’s birthday, with which I will mourn the regressiveness of the coming Presidential administration (Mom’s B-day is Jan. 20th).  Speaking of which…

Yes, I am a more than a little frightened about the next 4 years.  Being disabled, what goes on in Washington is a bigger deal for me.  Though I should be done with Metro Community College this summer, as well as a Certified Personal Trainer, I don’t know if I will be entering into the best of economic conditions.  Judging from the people that are going to be involved with the incoming administration, it looks as though the darkest of times are forthcoming for this country.

______________________________________________________________________________

I don’t have a lot going on with regard to my personal comings and goings.  That stability that I have achieved in the last few years, certainly since I have been in Omaha, has allowed me to be able to manage my emotional perspectives.  The kind of randomization that occurs when a life is careening from one personal fiasco to the next has ceased.  I work in an environment that is not only comfortable but is a caring and nurturing one as well.  My home life is stable, surrounded by people who invest in me emotionally.  I feel supported and appreciated for being a part of their lives.

Having access to a mental health professional has also contributed to the lack of journaling. Not having to deal with “storms brewed in a teacup” domestically means I have more energy to deal with things myself.   So for now, I sometimes think of making my journal more of a “Dream On” kind of story, filled with side riffs using media to express ideas and feelings (or perhaps they will be more like the short-lived “Andy Richter Controls The Universe”!).

So now that my internal life has become stable and I find myself moving along in the direction that I set out for when I started journaling, hopefully, there won’t be a lot of flux as I continue on.  While I am not naive to think that I am immune from anything, the chance of me acting against my own best interests has been reduced.  There have been times where my thoughts are not unlike the thoughts I had in my 20’s… only that I understand that there is a certain ceiling to my hopes and dreams, and unless I “hit the lottery”, my level best will be more than enough for me.

TACTICAL POST

TACTICAL

Been tired a lot, feeling worn to the point of being held together by frayed cargo straps and duct tape!  But for me, that has become a good feeling, because I am "chasing both the raven and the wren through gorges unexplored since the dawn..." .  One of the things that I really appreciate about being not only single, but alone, is being free of the mundacities of other people's lives.  For instance, my no-longer-on-probation friend, deals with lingering issues that I have neither the inclination nor desire to affix myself with, or have to be weighted by hearing constant complaints and petty discussions that said complaints inspire.  This is an example of the reoccurring "moments of clarity" that strike me when my fatigue leaves my conscious in a weakened and vulnerable state.

My being alone has allows me the freedom to not hindered by whether or not someone else's issues are going to prevent them from helping me with my concerns, concerns which I have reshevled so that I could be more available to help with their problems.  Understand, I don't think that someone should be exclusively available to me whenever I may call on them without reciprocation.  It is more that I do not think that effort and sacrifice should be exclusive to either me OR them, and that we both do all that we can to be present in one another's lives.  By giving all that you can to someone else, I think that you will discover if they are the "right person" quicker and more painlessly, to be quite honest, than if you were to drag things out in a piecemeal fashion.

Nebraska, in my opinion, never really understood that part of the equation in our particular formula.  That, I think, is crucial to why we did not work out and why our relationships reflected poorly when we held it against our previous marriage.  Though I cannot speak for her, the lack of mutual respect for me as a person and the principals that I chose to make the foundation of my life, truly echoed the discord between my ex-wife and I.  It was not that anyone was a bad person, certainly I don't think that Nebraska is a "bad person", but that being limited to traditional expectations and how to achieve them, really prevented either relationship from being anything more than what they were.

Every now and then, I do find myself thinking about reaching out and making a connection... simply for the sake of community.  But as I type these words in a quiet, lonley corridor at the South Omaha campus of Metro Community College, when I could have just as easily chosen to do so in one of the commons area, where " where there is music and there is people and they're young and alive", I think says more about me than anything that I have manage to write down...

Another personal goal for the month is to continue to progress with my workout regimen.  I have a goal of accomplishing a "1200lbs lift", which is a combined total of three different lifts, the squat, the deadlift, and the bench press.  When I first approached the idea of doing the lift, I brazenly claimed that I will do a 600 lb squat!  Now my current max, accomplished two years ago was 405 lbs, and to go from that to a 600 lb max, is quite staggering!  The reason that I figured on doing that much weight is I know that my bench press is going to underperform, and I would have to make up the weight somewhere.  But I have since re-tooled my estimates, looking to get 500 lbs in both the squat and dead lift, leaving me with a meager 200 lbs to go for my bench press.  Even should I pull off "the grand" in the dead and squat lifts, I still will try to best my previous high of 265 lbs in the bench press.  I think that I will do a video... maybe even put it up on Facebook to wow everyone that gets my feed!

Finally, today I am dragging my stinky (woke up late... had school and took not a bath..!) self to the Joslyn to check out the "American Moderns" exhibit.  Then I can go across the street to the fitness club where I am employed and work out..!  Sounds like a "winner, winner, chicken dinner" schedule to me..!

DUTY NOW FOR THE FUTURE

TACTICAL

Treated Nebraska to lunch… went to Cascio’s, a well-known, long time fixture, on the Omaha dining scene.  When I got into town I had either heard or read that it was Warren Buffett’s favorite place to eat, and given my penchant for appearing at The Whitney in the Motor, I felt obliged to give it a go.  What was really cool was that one of the members of my gym is a waitress there and I had been telling her for a while that I was going to give it a lunch date-- and by chance we were seated in her section!  That went well, the only “but” being my awkwardness at having “a friend”.  This, needless to say, will remain a work in progress.

Having had my bona fides verified albeit indirectly, as friendly as I can appear at times, I am equally, if not more so, capable of cutting people out of my life.  This has been hinted at with my claim of only ever wanting to venture back to see if Tee Jay and I could reignite our relationship (and, I guess, to a lesser extent, same with Nebraska).  And what I discovered in finally having the valuable “face time” with Tee Jay, is as with the matriculation I endured with Mookie Dee, is that I really can’t get into “going back” with regard to relationships.  But it isn’t just because I want to move forward (which, IMO, is enough of a reason not to, in and of itself), but that trying to find a path to a new relationship that has ran its course in hopes of re-living the good, also means that the assuming the negatives that either existed as a result of the coupling, or, exclusive to each individual prior to the initial relationship.

No matter what type of chemistry that may exist with a person, the principle of uncertainty, whether Heisenberg’s or Von Clausewitz's, when either is applied invalidates the relationship.  I am less certain of the reliability of someone who has proven themselves to be questionable and promising something different than I am of someone that has yet to prove their mettle.  It is a rare case of potential being worth more than a track record.

BREAKING THROUGH THE LEVELS OF DISBELIEF

Doubt is what makes monsters out of the shadows.  Some people can thrive off it, like I mentioned in the previous entry, Michael Jordan was a fusion reactor of doubt, from high school, college, the NBA draft… I mean, I could go on and on.  This doubt was not of himself, but from others who not only did not think he would be MICHAEL JORDAN, but did not think he would reach the heights in anything, let alone in basketball.

He is not alone.  Just like the beautiful woman who remembers being unattractive and awkward as a teenager, people who know success in all walks of life are often driven by an internal motivation that pushes them in spite of any and all difficulties.  This observation of mine that I have, as intuitive and uneducated as it is, has always been tempered by what I see as the bitterness of opportunity and having to work as hard as necessary to “be” “whatever”.  Michael Jordan again exemplifies this, as he is graceless in comparisons to him and current stars, contemporaries, and even former teammates.  This is something that I understand… and where I think that have been in want.

There has never been a time in my life where my drive has been fueled by an antagonistic challenge, an imagined foe or instigated by a lack of anything.  As evidenced from my journal, I simply face my problems and do what I can to solve them.  But what I haven’t been able to do is motivate myself to go too far beyond my comfort.  That has to change, particularly if I am going to make the most of what is left in me.  I have already forgiven myself for being reckless with the gift that has been my life so far.  Now, in believing what I do about myself, I am going to be more driven, more focused and more centered on the things that I feel is right, and more scrupulous with myself and with those who I let into my life.

THE STRAW MAN

Because I have never felt the burning fires that those who have been able to reach their goals, I am going to use a technique that Michael Jordan, among others, have used to push themselves to their successes.  I am going to create the antagonist, culled from the memories of coming up short, being told that I can’t, and from the disbelief of people who did not share my vision.

Of course, logically, this person doesn’t truly exist.  But there have been enough people who lacked the faith in my goals and purpose, who through their own poor logic and lack of reason, could not share in my vision.  Up until now I have always told myself, “hey, I can dig it,” but just beneath the surface I really was NOT “digging it”.  And now, I tell myself that I don’t have to, and I DON’T.

My relationship with Mookie Dee, and in subsequent possible couplings, confirmed for me that the typecasting done by some women and included long-held negative prejudices against men (brothers specifically).  These preconceived notions are among the issues that will not allow them to have the kind of relationship that I feel is suited for growth in a coupling.  So to that end, I am going to let Princess be my “straw man”, the focus and representative of all the unjustness of my life.  When I made the decision to allow this irrational, illogical thinking to be a part of my consciousness, a strange thing happened.  I felt a burst of energy, a shot of adrenaline surging throughout my body, and my thinking became crystal clear.  I knew what I had to do, and I want to do these things despite the obstacles ahead of me.

With that in mind, I will likely be posting about irrational and contrived situations where she plays a character central to the conflict.  I had thought about creating this imagined clash within myself before, but I always have shied away, thinking that I would become embittered and paranoid from always thinking and seeing the “less than” of people and situations.  I always had held that people who do this never seem to find pleasure in their life.  And that is what I see in Michael Jordan.  He has raged against his imagination so much and for so long, that all he sees is the shadows of his own fears.  I don’t think that I will have that worry.  Just as Michael and those like him, have been the way that they are for too long to be any different, I don’t think that I could be at risk of losing my true self.  But I do want to “get somewhere” and perhaps the tilting at windmills can drive me to effort and a success beyond my current perceived abilities.

“When danger is greatest.  --It is rare to break one’s leg when in the course of life one is toiling upwards-- it happens much more often when one starts to take things easy and to choose the easy paths.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

 

And so shall it be with me… I will not let comfort be my companion.  Instead, I will acknowledge threats, real and imagine, to move me towards my goals.  From the leavings of relationships past, I will create and give life to a notion that pushes me when I want for a respite, wearied from struggle, to break through my fatigue and continue on in spite of the ghosts and spirits that were against me.  Either you are an acolyte or an infidel… a true believer or a heretic.  There are no skeptics in my life and if you are, then you will be exiled, to be among the masses of those who say that have it in their minds that “it can’t be done.”

...AND A WAKE UP IS ALL THAT IS LEFT

TACTICAL

I have been grinding away as I await my departure to Carolina to see KT’s graduation. With both her and Lexxie, I have never been able to get over how grateful I am that their Mom’s have allowed me to count in their lives.  Going to talk to KT about our relationship and the initial expectations that I have of her and hopefully I will discover what her expectations are of me.  Much of my future ambitions turn on being there for my girls to use as a resource… hopefully I can add an excursion to the Motor next year to see both Mrs. Miss A & Mr. Mischief as well as a talk with Skye about our relationship.  She is an adult now, and if she chooses to continue to ignore me, que sera.  While I can likely imagine I will find more reasons to visit Detroit in the future, I don’t think that there will be many and certainly not with any urgency to them.  What governs my soul does not feel diminished without a relationship with my eldest daughter.  The detritus that clutters the relationship that she and I have is a direct result of the fail between her Mom and I, and whatever bitterness that my ex-wife had towards me has poisoned whatever my daughter and I relationship could have been.

Did I tell you that Nixxie and I were friends before we were “bunk buddies”?  So whenever we talk it means I have to deal with her diggs and jabs at me verbally. I have never really been good at repartee (save for that one epic moment in school last term..!), so there were jokes about which one of my “big women” were going to drop me at the airport, the white one or the black one… the best I could come up with was for her to ask her ex-husband to “stand down… the war is over and your service has been appreciated”, as he still has positive feelings for his ex-wife and I don’t need him to be jealous of me!!

This is a milestone moment for me … I still have a LONG way to go but I have also come from a long way away.  I get a little awestruck when I think that I have provided most of the impetus for my life without any kind of sponsor of any sort.  That is why I take umbrage at the hinting that I would try to “use” someone for anything… as I alluded to, most women can’t afford me, so the idea of me being “kept” is nothing short of ludicrous.  What I want to know is, can I call you for a ride to the grocery store or home from work in the rain?  I mean, how big an issue is that for someone you are supposedly invested in??

When I think about the things that I would ask my partner to be responsible for, they all seem to center around one word - character.  That is something that you either have or you don’t, or so it seems to me.  The three (maybe four) marks that I measured Nebraska by informed me not only of my value (or lack thereof) to her, but of her own character.  I don’t know how she came to the conclusions she did about me, but then, I don’t need to know why she arrived at them  The same goes for Princess, Mookie Dee, and my ex-wife.  That is proprietary information, and as long as she is comfortable with her choices, so am I.

Talking about our daughter, I found out that she no longer wants to become a nurse practitioner.  Sports Medicine/Physical Therapy is what she wants to do.  Of course, with me eyeing an associated field myself, I told her that I’d move to Carolina to practice with her!  Why would I not..?

ME & MY FACEBOOK FRIEND

We’ve been talking since late January.  I haven’t spoken about her because things between us exist “in the gloaming”, that awkward space in relationships that consist of the mysterious functions of a coupling “that is more than this but not quite that”.  In that regard, it is a similar relationship to the one I had with Princess, which was not a bad experience for me.  And like that relationship, the potential far outweighs the risks, and unlike the one I had with Nebraska, I can look forward to a return on my investment in low risk, high yield instrument.

She has two daughters, a 19 and a 16 year old, who have given their “approval” of our relationship, mainly because the relationship that their Mom and I have cobbled together makes their Mom happy.  Don’t think that you can ask for anything better than that, and why would you, greedy bastard!!

I like her a lot as well.  She has been very supportive and understanding with me and while there are some key technical issues between us, we have gotten off to a good start.  When I get back to Omaha, she has agreed to be my first “client” and I am going to have to come up with a workout plan for her and her girls.  Do I think that “she’s the one?” There is no pressure regarding the long-term viability between us, as we have clearly discussed where we are as a couple and where we are going as individuals.

...speaking of individual paths …

THE REFINING STAGE

From the moment that my disability was confirmed, my focus was to move forward with my life, based on the function that for others may be intuition but for me, serves as a conscious guide, a living entity that has guided me to the point where I am now.

I have done the necessary culling of my exo-life and I don’t know if there is any immediate trimming that needs to be made.  Now it is time for me to look inward and make the changes that I believe are necessary for me to go further into my brightly shining horizon.

Looking at my “change jar” and seeing how empty it is, it makes me wonder how much better could I have been living for the last 18 months.  Rather than filling it up, I have been taking from it and not replacing it, and I estimate that it had over $600 dollars in it earlier this year.  At one time, I looked at the spare change as how I would fund KT’s car and Lexxie’s first designer’s sewing machine.  Right now, the near-emptiness mocks me, taunting me, because the hollowness means that I have let myself waste too much of my income.  There is no reason for having gone into my reserves other than poor financial management.

So while I am in Carolina, I will create a budget, including my savings as well as set-asides for things I anticipate that will happen “one day”, like a car  gift for college graduation, maybe a trip to “the Big Easy”, and possibly a passport trip with my new friend (hey, if you don’t plan for the future, then the future will never arrive!).  Getting my trainer’s certification will allow me to earn more money and move faster toward my goal of being as self-sufficient as possible!  Not to mention a diet and focus on studying for school and my certification test for personal training.

 

I think that I can safely say where my priorities have been for the length of my journaling… to be present in my daughter’s lives and more importantly, being present in my own life.  I always knew that I was better than what my ex-wife, Mookie Dee, Nebraska, and Princess saw… and I refuse to be held to the standards of their myopic vision.  Maybe I will write down some of the funnier lines that Nixxie hits me with and who knows… maybe KT and Lexxie will get a chance to meet again!  Hey, it could happen so you better watch!

WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR DELUSION FROM..?

TACTICAL

I am resuming my summer training schedule as well as studying for class this week.  So there is that.  As far as the vacant position where I work, there has been no news on what is going to be done in regards to staffing .  My goal is to be interviewed for the spot, not to actually WIN the position.  I want to be ‘in the mix’ when it is appropriate, so I figure letting my ambition be known will be a big help down the line in my future with the fitness club.

Had a couple of dates that were... hmm, difficult to process.  They both were fair, and same can be said on the level of attractiveness of the women involved.  One of them was a sister whose vocalizations seemed to be more of an ‘flatland Valley Girl’ than someone who was true to the ‘ethnic’ way of speaking.  The other was a ‘vanilla sister’, whose patois was more suitable for MTV “Cribs” than hanging out with me.  BUT those are superficial observations only and bear no weight in assessing their “general fitness” in being part of my extended social circle.

...as to HOW I am assessing their general fitness...

It is A LOT easier for me to evaluate people the way that I have for most of my adult life, so I am sorry if I seem to objectify a lot more in my descriptions of people and the various relationships and their relative importance to me and my life.  For instance, the whole ‘7 round NFL Draft’ is a ‘thing’ for me that I trust in.  If it makes me seem like a douche, que sera... been called FAR WORSE and it would still reflect more upon the observer than it would me.  With that being said, I would grade them both out at late 2nd-to-early 3rd round choices.  Neither are ‘reaches’ but possibly could contribute to the team as a key backup or situational player.  And that is a good transition as any into the body of my entry.

WHERE’D YOU GET YOUR DELUSION FROM?

I want to start reading FICTION again.  I haven’t really paid that genre of books a lot of attention, certainly not since my early-to-mid 20’s.  Terry McMillan (who has only written ONE BOOK worth reading, IMO) and E. Lyn Harris kind of wrote pulp stuff that while sold well, I thought was a mess of jumbled writing.  Anywho, I had always leaned towards headier, academically-oriented stuff. and I started to read less and less fiction.  Whenever I would read fiction, it was never the kind of ‘make believe’ stuff that I could transpose

myself with the characters in the story, save for Stephen King’s work.  But what I could always do was lose myself within the worlds of the sciences.  Though my passion never burned in the way that would have led me toward a career in statistics, I never really lost my interest in the conspiracy or numbers.

Currently reading a book, “Microtrends”, which dwells on the small groups that eventually coalesce and creates the swells that become the breaking waves of change in society.  In the earliest chapters the author discusses a few of the small trends that has led to the upheaval in relationships with men and women.  Much of what is written is about the things that I picked up on during my “Future Shock” period of large scale predilections about society and the world that I would have to live in.

The links are provided for both books and I invite you to read the descriptions and a few of the reviews of each, especially of Toffler’s work.  When given to the “shoulda, woulda, coulda’s” of life, this is one that I find in the forefront of my visions.  Could I have been the Nate Silver of my era?  I mean, it was not only something that I may have been mentally primed for but maybe even born to do. I mean, what kind of kid is spending their free time trying to digest tomes written by the likes Toffler?  For instance, when I am walking around town, one of the most obvious things to me are the signs of a well-functioning infrastructure, government and civic responsibility, and growth.  Like seeing the “Rainbow Room” upon my first week in the big O, the signs that there was a place for me here, provided that I went out and seized it, were obvious.  And it was not merely some stray and random stab at a desperate hope, as it was as I believe, divine sign of personal destiny that I was able to see.

Before I had to grapple with my condition, trying to explain my reasoning was always difficult for me because many of my sources were the materials that I would read or from news media sources via the radio or television.  And I am sure that I should not have to explain why that was a bedevilment, given the existence of climate change deniers and Tea Bag Republicans!  Anti-intellectualism is not new and the preference for unverifiable rumors and myths has always filled the vacuums created where there is space where intellect and understanding leaves room for speculation.

Back to the book “Microtrends”, as I said, it made the case for certain factors that contributed to the current dilemma in the world of “love and marriage”.  Were I so inclined, I could make the broader case for this being a worldwide issue, certainly in the First- and Emerging World societies, but I am not so there!  But what really got to me is that the related links that have women out there alone and with few traditional options are things that I had confirmed over thirty years ago.  And it is one of the reasons that I have always wondered or people, “where did you get your delusion from?”

Back when none of you knew me save Nebraska, I went through a different kind of introspection,  spurred by becoming a parent with three different women.  It has been humbling to me to have fallen into the social trope of fathering children and not remaining a direct participant in their lives.  And I am mentioning this in hopes of establishing the authenticity of my own self-awareness.  It isn’t like I talk the sh*t I talk without first holding myself to the same of microscope as I do others.

I realized that people had a serious problem with resolving their own individual observations with ‘big picture’ topics when I had a discussion with an amateur boxing trainer while I was in high school.  Because of the demographics in the Metro, I believe he was under the mistaken belief that African-Americans comprised at least 40% of the population in the United States.  No matter how I tried to get him to understand why he was wrong, he could not be dissuaded.  When it comes to relationships between men and women, there is A LOT of this kind of “magical thinking” taking place, creating what I feel is the unnecessary breakdown in communication between the sexes.

Referencing the book Microtrends, it again talks about how women are becoming more empowered, being able to earn wages and access to professions that at the beginning of my lifetime were unheard of.  But I saw that “then” and another thing that I saw was the reluctance to allow the women’s revolution to redefine roles between men and women.  Who's at fault?  Men who reinforce the old order of gender roles and expectations, or women for not understanding the new dynamic between the sexes and accepting the newer definitions and expectations of a “new traditional” relationship?

When it comes to being accepting of the change in how relationships are formed and how responsibility is divided in them, I would postulate that there are two groups that are always going to be among the late adapters... the oppressed and the oppressors, and by that I mean chauvinistic white males and African-American women.  And since I don’t have any interest in dating a redneck, tobacco-chewing NASCAR fan (or braided and tatted-up saggy jeans & LeBron Nike wearers)...

I don’t think that I have a ‘problem’ with African-American women... as much as I have issues with how they weight the traits that they desire in a partner, and their characterizations of men on the whole.  So, where DO you get your delusion from?

The conspiracy of numbers and the illusion of statististics are where many of mine come from.  My illusions are created from the leftover remnants of analysis and prediction.  What kind of sourcing do you do for the things you think that you know as facts, that you believe are true, despite relying solely on subjective faith that what you think that you know, is something that you actually KNOW?

NEXT EPISODE:  A Return To The Microverse..!