FILLING SPACE

TACTICAL

A few weeks ago I got a text from KT and her Mom.  It seems that they were having a conversation about KT’s heritage and our daughter has it in her head that she is “mixed”.  Her reasoning being that her father is half-white and she leans a more to the “black” in her!  I had a good laugh and it made me smile knowing that I am a part of their conversation and in KT’s thoughts.  The self-deprecating humor of the comment was not lost upon me, because my non-conforming character has always meant that my “authentic blackness” would be called into question.  Then the Rachel Dolezal story broke.

If you get my feed on Facebook, then you may know that I was captivated by her story.  Jezebel had an article on Ms. Dolezal and it brought tears of laughter to my eyes as I read it the Saturday morning after the story first broke..  I had never heard of anyone ever claiming to be African-American when they weren’t, and the anguish of “passing”, immortalized by the book and movies (there were TWO of them!!) of the same name, “Imitation of Life”, is at the root of the issues between light and dark-skinned African-Americans.  For Ms. Dolezal, this seemed to be an obsession of sorts for her, as her parents indicated her fascination with African-American culture in her youth.  After her parents adopted 4 African-American children, her obsession took her into an entirely unforeseen direction.

Maybe part of Rachel’s desire to leave behind her whiteness could have been due to the upbringing she endures.  Her claims of abuse notwithstanding, I have often  been given to ruminate on dysfunction in the social systems of families where faith is a critical component to the philosophy of how a family lives.  This is not to say that only religious families suffer from these kind of social and intra-family breaks from standard.  You could substitute “faith” for  “ignorance” and pretty much find a similar kind of problem within a family.  When I was a child, the saying “follow an ugly child home and watch an ugly parent open the door”, could have been just as easily be substituted with the word “stupid” or “ignorant”.  In fact, the PRIDE within a social community on their lack of intellect or desire of the pursuit of knowledge is one that simply staggers the mind.

...MEANWHILE

Still haven’t been able to confirm travel dates for Lexxie.  Going through her Mom is difficult, as she harbors an ill-will towards me.  There have been times where discussions have been smooth, but more often than not, she get angry and jumps the track, which unsurprisingly, leaves us with nothing accomplished.

I am progressing nicely towards my goal of lifting 1200lbs between my deadlift, bench press, and squat.  After I do that, my next fitness goal will be to find my legs and get back onto a regular running schedule.  I will do more cardio, adding kettlebell swings and combo exercises with lighter weights. And I expect to take my certification test in July, mid-August at the latest.

And that is that with that..!

EVEN MORE FILLER

TACTICAL

“Solitude is a condition of peace that stands in direct opposition to loneliness. Loneliness is like sitting in an empty room and being aware of the space around you. It is a condition of separateness. Solitude is becoming one with the space around you. It is a condition of union. loneliness is small, solitude is large. loneliness closes in around you; solitude expands toward the infinite. loneliness has its roots in words, in an internal conversation that nobody answers; solitude has its roots in the great silence of eternity.”
—Kent Nerburn

A lot of times when I am “away” from blogging, when I come back I try to “catch up” to as many of my favorite bloggers as I can.  One of  my faves is Thomas, and I often find a quote or something that hits me in that “sweet spot” and I think of thousand of things to say at that moment, but as is all too frequent for me, that “moment” is all there is.  This time, this quote that I pulled was one that stayed with me, and it is one that I will share with you as well.

Though you would have to go back and do some serious excavating to find mentions of it, I started early on in this blog talking about how cool it would be to finally be alone again.  People would leave replies that indicated that they thought it would be a shame for me to alone, and that I would be a good partner for someone more appreciative than the redoubtable Mookie Dee, and that is even with the measure of forgiveness that one is likely to give when reading someone else’s journal.

Between how I deal with the problems that standard logic would lead you to believe are obstacles that are only so in “First World” societies, and the undisputed fact that I enjoy being alive to the point that I would not want to share it and risk sullying it, I want you to know that I am HAPPY.  Not simply doing well for “fill in the mitigation”, but I am just plain happy.

First and foremost reason for my state is the belief that “problems with solutions aren’t problems”.  Whatever is the priority of an issue in my life and the urgency in with which I need to attend to it, determines my path.  An example would be my personal and intimate relationships.  My supervisor is my confidant and Princess has built up enough in her account with me to where I am not concern with our relationship becoming ballast that I need to rid myself of.  That is why she is still on my Face Book and I am still “in a relationship”.  I don’t want to have the karmic forces that would come with people having flash in their thoughts that I am in “a drama” of some sorts.  It is not that deep, this “whatever” between us, and we still are talking with one another with affection.  Once that changes, eh, I am STILL doing my thing, so “what, me worry” for?

LIVING THE DREAM

I cannot say it enough... I like it here in Omaha.  Having dodged all the “blizzard bullets’ fired at the Midwest this season, I am looking forward to a mild February and March to close out winter.  I can’t wait to get back into class and grinding away towards my degree in exercise science.  Next year, I am going to get my certification in personal training, and hopefully I will be able to add a couple of clients to my income!  I will hopefully have more time in the trial work period, where I can earn as much as I can for a bit before the Social Security rules tell me to “go to work” or “alright, you are disabled”.  That way, I can have a client base and still have Medicare.  At any rate, I will be trundling along in school and hopefully have saved enough to bury myself in a decent coffin.  Saving and planning for a living will would be next, and after that, I don’t know... as it is, I am living my life as though I am playing with “house money”... perhaps I will go and get another passport and think about going to the Yukon.  Who knows..?

Now that I have established that I will report any of the direct episodes of my life under the “Tactical” heading, I will prolly just ramble for a bit in here on the things that “I think that I am thinking about”.  Lexxie turned 16 on Monday... MAN... the time goes so fast, even faster when you are not around... I still can smell her diapers... YECCH..!  Anywho, I think diapers will get another mention around here soon... hope everyone out here is doing well and sorry for nothing interesting here... but, that is a good thing..!

FILLER ISSUE

TACTICAL

With all my self-consideration I neglected to mention that my sister who is in the Army is currently at Fort Jackson, South Carolina, in training to be a Drill Sergeant!!  She got through to her twin, the sister that I walked down the aisle (either divorce or getting one... for sure they are separated and she is... je ne sais quoi) who messaged me up and passed her number on for me to call her.

I was very excited to hear her news.  I remember how her marriage stumbled around in the early years and I gave her consul, to build her resolve and to guide her through to better choices.  To her credit, she seems to have taken much of my advice and put it to work, though saying that may be a bit much.  But were I to talk about what I told her and where she is at in her life now, you would prolly see where I influenced her in some of her choices.

Whether or not she told her twin her news, I did not ask.  I could only imagine that she wanted to share her good news with me because she KNEW how happy I would be for her.  After we caught up and she told me how she and her husband plan to open a restaurant (maybe in the Emerald City) now that he is a Cordon Bleu-trained chef after her retirement, and she is nearing completion on her BA in Business Administration, I thought briefly of the grudges we’ve held against one another in adulthood and how we have fallen out of contact.  Then I wished that our Mother was here on the plane to share in her achievements.  And that is why I wondered if she told her twin or not about her achievement.

Because it was kind of surreptitious the way that she got through to me, I wondered if she SPECIFICALLY wanted me to know.  While I am sure that her sisters would feign happiness for her, she KNEW that I would be genuinely happy for her and proud as well.  Since she doesn’t have a Mother to have that super-mega parental pride for her, I guess it came down to me... and that is what I feel for her.  Whether or not she kept the advice I gave her close in her thoughts or not, I am happy for her and her family.  

BUT SINCE HER LIFE DOES REFLECT THE “WHAT IF” TO MY ADVICE BEING RIGHT FOR HER...

Who was there at the world’s beginning?  Who will be there at its end??  Ken posted a quote that mostly is given to Plato that I have always measured people by... “Be kind.  For everyone you meet is facing a hard battle.”  Being in my “life of solitude”, I don’t often come across the shared miseries of the aimless or self-centered.  Nearly everyone who I am acquainted with here in town is either striving to “be”, achieving and growing, or there and more than maintaining, to their best life (and yes, this does include ‘braska and Princess... I am humbled to be among their intimate company).  I have yet to encounter the pathologies that I found in both “the provincial town” and the Motor, which is why in spite of my affections for both towns (and Tee Jay... don’t forget her as well) that I had to leave.

I am not going to bash my hometown... my desire to be “from” Detroit is more innate than anything else, though the motivation to find a place that is not as purposely formidable than my hometown is readily understandable.  Opportunity is choked in Michigan, and that it is now a right-to-work state saddens me deeply.  From where the idea of a middle class one sprang, led by Henry Ford, who believed in paying men a decent wage for their toils, to the beginning of the “Wal-Martization” of the pay scale, Michigan has in my mind been the scale-tipper in the regression of wages.  It will be several generations, IF EVER, there will be a middle class as people in my age group and older knew it.  *sigh*Hopefully there will be a Morpheus to prophecy the necessary coming of Neo, that is, if there will ever be a free society again...

So I am in Omaha.  Having mentioned that I have created policy to allow for a possible relationship beyond the one that I had set myself on the path for, I will be “open for love” as it were, but still as discriminating and circumspect as ever.  One of the reasons is for the incredible vibe that I got from the people from the very start to this leg of my life’s race.  This is a place where people work hard and by all appearances lives hard by the “good community” creed.  Families live here, couples are free to walk starry-eyed in the public squares, and while there is a measure of foreboding here at night, it is still a far cry from something like Southeast DC!!

I don’t know how much more “social” I plan to be... one of the reasons that I wonder is that given the “trajectory of my orbit” in the Big O, I will likely go out with more White women than African-American women, should I get active when I am out.  It would not be out of preference for Euro-American women or anything like that, but in the 2-plus years I have been here I have not made the acquaintance of many in my own ethnic group.  And the lines that separate people are pretty clear and I don’t live on “our side” of town.

There are some AA’s who would say that I should make more of an effort to find love with a sister, and at one time in my life I would have agreed with them.  Sister girl’s are very put upon by the brothers, and there is an unmistakable debt that brothers collectively owe them.  Yet the social dynamic in America has incontrovertibly changed from what it once was a decade ago even, and we have gone from miscegenation to same-sex marriage in this country during my lifetime, and here in Omaha, those boundaries that still do exist are thinned to the point of transparency.  Besides, as an “apex predator”, I will hunt where the prey is plentiful...

Ooh... I shouldn’t have put it quite like that... I am done with contributing to the objectification of women, certainly on an intellectual, conscious level.  What I meant to say is that my approach is such that I vibe those who find me attractive and gauge their interest as I am comparing them to the “mental daguerreotype” of what I like in a potential partner.  I cannot help WHO I attract as neither can I change what I am attracted to!  Although there have been exceptions in the persons of Nixxie and the SFC, I like what I like..!

SPEAKING OF NIXXIE...
Talked to her this week.  Sometimes we have nice, friendly conversations, back to when we first met.  Not that they are notable, as we have almost always gotten along, but this one was more on the level of closeness like the conversations where we crossed over from “friends” to “lovers” (FYI- this brother is so not into the “with benefits” tag), and I sort of wondered what was her deal?  Not that my radar registered a “bogey” or anything, but I do know when a person is lonely.  And if this is my own ego rambling on, then as soon as someone starts to talk and call me as their friend on a regular basis...

Anywho, we chatted and I let her know that my share of KT’s prom dress will be in the mail this Friday.  No, I did not share with her the current flux in my relationship with the Princess (if I did, you think she had jokes BEFORE about me and my “big girl” affections..!) but still, she was very engaging.  I wondered, as I often do about her, if we could have raised the same KT had we stayed together... then, reality smacks me upside the head twice, for the two girls whose Mom’s were nearly the death of me!!  And even still, I wonder...

THE THINGS THAT I THINK THAT I AM THINKING ABOUT

TACTICAL EDITION

By now, many of us are familiar with the term “Catfish”, coined from a movie of the same name about relationships that cross the Rubric from the internet into real life.  It is now a television show on MTV where people who connected via the ‘net finally get to meet each other face-to-face.  While long-distance relationships between strangers are nothing new, the prevalence and acceptance of them is, as is the sometimes serious repercussions behind their conclusions.

A few years ago, there was a Dateline story about one such internet triangle, where you had a woman using a photo of her daughter for her profile, a man using a high school photo of himself, and one real straight-up young man that resulted in tragedy.  One of the things that I remembered about the story was how that despite the young man’s lack of direct involvement, how the other two “adults” were completely lost to the fantasy that they created.

In stepping back from the Manti Te’O situation, I think that one of the biggest reasons that it seemed so far-fetched is not the implausibility of a stud footballer falling for such a scam, but the general idea that most people have about high school and college, particularly star athletes.  I know that from my “cup o’ coffee” with professional athletics, how uninformed some of them are about THEIR OWN SPORT.  They have no real understanding about their opponents or why certain games have their historical significance in relation to the particular sport that they are in.  It is not that he could not have been sucked in because he is a star football player, but that the public finds it difficult to believe because of their notion of what a star football player is.

Nebraska may get her feathers ruffled should she read this, but she will get over it.  Now for a longer time than I have been blogging has she been a part of my “mindhouse”, but we will go when I started this blog near the end of ‘07.  Since adults get caught up out here, the maturity factor goes out of the window, and what this comes down to is, experience and environment.  When Beth made her story known and shared her “fishy” moment, I had to step back and think about why didn’t Manti know better?  Could he have been that naive to have fallen for such a gambit?  Why not??  The more I thought about it, them more plausible the story became.  Now, I feel bad for him but not out of pity, I feel bad for him because a person he trusted let him down.  Who knows what is up with Roniah Tuisasopo, but I know that he is a douche, and I also will cut Manti some slack for hanging out with the cat.


The social environment in Hawaii was one where the ethnic groups that populate the islands are often impoverished and whether that is still how things are now or not, I am sure that there still are social division that call to my mind the social strata “in the hood”, per the movie “Boyz In The Hood”.  So I understand the how and the why that a creep like Roniah was in Manti’s circle of friends.  From there, it is a small leap from their friendship to that of Manti and Lennay Kekua’s to that of my relationship with Nebraska, and given the number of adults between 30 and 50 that get caught up out here, I would not be surprised if someone would have thought that I would have been “catfished” once I arrived in Omaha.


In an interview with George Stephanopolos,Nev Shulman, the creator of the movie and behind the television show “Catfish”, explains that “...when you want something bad enough, and in his case, a connection to someone, you are willing to ignore a lot of red flags and to create scenario that allows you to continue to believe in”.  I believe that is what happened to Manti, that he wanted to have a special relationship and he felt that this was his opportunity.  What he was not able to see was the issues that afflicted his friend, nor the shady woman behind “Lennay”.

After letting go of my inherent bias and again being more objective and not projecting my experience into the situation, I think I would defend Manti Te’O and give him some slack.  Now the locker room of his NFL team... ooh wee!  He is going to catch it for sure when he gets to training camp!!

SPEAKING OF CATFISH...
Recently, I saw a person wearing a shirt emblazoned with the insignia of the group that sponsored the mud run that Nebraska went on last year.  In a sudden fit of excitement I sent her a text asking if she would let me run with her group should they run again this year.  She has not responded... nor do I really expect her to.  I am only mentioning it because it was something that I did and not something that I am trying to duck and dodge.

I miss her... or I should say I miss having the possibilities in my mind of what our relationship would be like.  Each day that I go out, it seems, I have a moment where I can’t believe where I am and that Omaha has been so good for me.  She has every right to be proud of her hometown, and the reasons to be proud of “the big O” are uniformly positive ones.

Last weekend I was able to go and see Princess’ middle son play basketball.  It was cool watching the little kids run up and down the court, not a one showing any hint of being a future hoop star, but everyone competing to the end.  The “good guys” won and that made for a light-hearted ride home.  Hopefully next Thursday I will be watching the youngest go through his martial art practice.

Between KT and Lexxie, with proms and trips, I will be stretched thin financially, but it is a good kind of being stretched.  I am happy that they both get to do the things that I did not, with traveling and going out on social functions with their peers.  

One of the trainers where I work has brought along a friend who wants to learn how to box.  I have been showing him what I know and it has helped me with my own issues.  Also, there is a big cat guest who wants to learn a little “1-2” as well, and I look forward to working with him, too.  The experience makes me wonder what I really have to offer as a trainer... and if I did get into training, maybe it could be my niche in the field of physical fitness...

… and this segues to going to the Fort Omaha campus on Monday to talk about my financial aid situation.  After all, I have to first get my degree from UNO before I get fired up about a training program of my own!!

It has been a little chilly recently, but thankfully it has not been too snowy, at least not around here.  Sometimes I wonder if some of the videos of cars sliding around on ice were taken in Omaha, because I can imagine some of the hills in town being potential trouble spots for that happening in town.

Other than that... hey, I am doing very good!  Being on my own means that I get to handle all of my own problems... and those are things that 99% of the time have a solution... and if a problem has a solution, then it is not a problem!!  I will prolly get to “educatin’ and pontificatin’” so enough... stuff is ALWAYS on my mind!!

SUNDAY STORM CLOUDS ON A HOT LATE SPRING EVENING

I FEEL ALL  NEW

Flat Ruthie had a full first weekend here in Omaha but I will post more about her time here tomorrow. Right now, I want to talk about feeling better and how this video of German rapper Peter Fox is full of all kinds of "win".


Discovered reading a "Cracked" article titled "4 You Tube Music Videos That Will Make You A Better Person", this joint "Alles Neu", is so awesome that every American rapper who is thinking  of making a video should be made to take a semester course on how to make an awesome video, featuring only Peter Fox!

Here is a link to the song lyric's translation but like with most translations, there is something lost, so, as the Cracked article mentions, it is better not to "know" what he is saying and to let the voice be another instrument used in the song.  It is prolly better for the article to describe why this video was chosen for the article.  Needless to say, Peter Fox will prolly gain quite a few new fans thanks to the exposure he will get from Cracked!!





I was fumbling around and found this video by Clever Pie and that is exactly what this video is, clever!  Whenever I read a blog post about the addressing of a "hater", internet or otherwise, I feel a twinge of envy.  I have not had the pleasure of having a person read my blog for the express purpose of trying to turn my words into something hurtful or shameful.  Shoot, if I was putting this out here with the thoughts of gaining pity or sympathy, I would still fall way short of that!


Having long ago accepted the role of anti-hero in this so-called life, there is not a lot, if there is anything, another person could say about my ramblings and make me feel worse about it.  For instance, when I told Nebraska's co-worker about the length of time that has passed since KT and I saw each other, there was a pregnant pause on HER end.  I am sure that she could not imagine any kind of relationship between a parent and child where such a thing happened.  Sure, she prolly could have understood it empirically, but to face it as a reality and wrap that around her image of a person, well, that is something else entirely.


Anywho, I am a WHIPPED puppy (another idiom that may bother some people) and while it does not seem as though it will be difficult getting the pics from the camera to the blog, I am not going to do it tonight.  Honestly, I am not sure WHEN I will do it, but it will be soon!!


Tonight we are getting some much needed rain, but I am going to have to get some heavy drapes or something to block out the western sun.  The "greenhousing" of my apartment makes is steamy and my little AC can only do so much!


And if you did not enjoy the videos, esp. Peter Fox's, then the only thing I can say is WATCH IT AGAIN!! That video is SUPER GREAT, why are you PLAYING!!

MAY REALLY IS THOR MONTH!!

BookSteve, who is putting up entries from his high school journal from 1976 (I remember that year! sort of..!!) and he put up a couple of Thor themed pictures in his journal.  Since Thor is a real fave hero of mine, I could not resist snagging the Marvel Calendar he posted from that year.

I have no knowledge of the plot so I don't know how they intend to use 'The Destroyer'.  He really isn't a 'villian' as he is a device, an embodiment of certain values and moves the plotline in the comic, so it will be interesting in how he is used in the movie.  He personifies a lot of what I have been trying to incoporate into my character, so if you do see the movie there is a chance that you will get closer to me than you would otherwise.

Anywho, it is a wonderful spring morning in Omaha... hope it is beautiful wherever you are, gentle reader.  I will prolly be back later spouting the nonsense that is expected out of this journal!!