BECAUSE IF YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP, IF IT GOES DOWN THEN DON’T YOU KNOW… YOU HAVE TO GO WITH IT!!
The past week was a bit chippy for a cat and there are chippier days ahead, but it ain’t like it is something new. I really felt my disability and for a moment…
… it was like other moments in my life where there was no choice left for me but to suck it up and deal. Like when my Mom decided to break me of being afraid of the dark by making me stay in a dark house while a creepy Halloween record (see, back before ipod’s and MP3’s there used to be technology where sound was recorded on pressed wax and it wasn’t just a tool for DJ’s…) while she and my darling brother and Jan laughed behind a bedroom door, I whimper for a second then suck things the heck up!
See, I will manage to get to wherever I am going. There ain’t no air in that. I used to silently seethe when I was with Mookie Dee and mostly vacillating and whining about ‘where did the love go?’. I knew that there were reasons that there we were ‘exes’, much like I knew why most of my ‘exes’ are where they are in my life, including my crap blood sisters. Being alone means that I get to live in an environment where I get to lick my wounds and get it together for the next skirmish.
I mention Mookie Dee because she is more like an ‘avatar’ for nearly everyone save a very exclusive few people in my life who I thought were not ‘team players’. We could have figured a way through her downsizing but she had her own plans and it was obvious that they did not include ‘us’ as they did ‘her and her daughter’. The Mike Singletary press conference said a great deal about how poor attitudes can cripple a team. It is the a great metaphor as to why I have chosen not to be involved with anyone at this time or in the foreseeable future.
“It is more about THEM than it is about the TEAM.” Great sentence and he followed it with his “…cannot win with them, cannot coach with them… can’t do it!” And while I have found people who would ‘sell out for the good of the team’, I don’t see any prospects on the horizon. Besides, there is a certain phenomena in my life that I would rather not risk its recurrence at this time.
Looking at some of the relationship advice media, token commentary is applied to the various things that women can do become better partners, but mostly it is the same old song and dance about men not being up to the task and all that blather. Well, the attitude which is spawned the ‘Peter Pan’ image of overgrown and guileless boys in men’s clothing, shirking committed relationships and playing video games their Mom’s basement.
For instance, I could not imagine not having a destination on the horizon that I was working towards. Remembering the emphasis that the then-coach Singletary placed on having everyone on the same page and willing to go to the edge of the cliff and even over if necessary, my situation has been more like that than anything.
Can’t say that I don’t have my commitment issues, but of the three that I have, two sprung from the same font, IMO. And that is what makes me reluctant to become involved with anyone and content to let my memories of my ‘youthful indulgences that I took in as I ran in my heedless ways’, keep me company.
It is late… finish up later, can you dig it? (yeah, I thought you could!!)
5 comments:
As much as loved being a bachelor for many years, living alone can make a guy examine his life in too fine a detail. Self-assessment is good, but not with an electron microscope. Give yourself a break.
I can understand where you are coming from with the being alone thing. I sometimes think that I am not going to have the relationship I think I deserve. I am not talking about the fairy tales that us girls are fed as children. I know those don't exist, but I have a practical idea of what I want and sometimes I wonder if it is just better for me to be alone.
Well, since I don't know you...except through a blog I will only say I kinda lean the way "Toon" leans. =)
I think you are way too hard on yourself my sweet friend.
Like Toon said - Give yourself a break, man.
Keep a healthy amount of introspection, especially as you are moving down your new path in your new place.
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