Rainy Day Issue!

YOU COULD IGNORE THIS ...
Spent a great deal of the weekend, sitting and thinking. It is said that for a man to do that, is one of the hardest things that he can do ...

... then they say that it isn't the troubles themselves that gives a man concern, but his THOUGHTS about them.

So what do you do?

Ran into my nephew a half block from the house. I had planned to ride 'somewhere', but from entering the party store and coming out, an exercise that took all of 5 minutes, the sprinkles turned into a shower and back to sprinkles. He was already near the house when I caught up to him.

I asked him why he was walking ... he said he was just coolin', that sometimes you just have to get out. That is when I explained the difference, taking that as a 'teachable moment'. Because someone in my life's span did something similar with me, and they had hopes that it took, and I would avoid some of the costs of their learning experience.

What do you do?

Y'all know that is rhetorical, right? I am not asking you what do you do, though feel free to share. That is what MY JOURNAL is here for. No, but really, it is. If there is something that 'clicks' and you feel like dumping here is going to bring you RELIEF (without getting high every day and every night!), then do so.

For me, that I am able to put down semi-coherent and literate sentences (thanks to my mighty fine education as a product of the DPS!), is a win for me. That is why when the one lady who read some of my stuff (this was a LONG time ago ...) dumped on me, I wanted to engage her in dialogue.

I REMEMBER MY LOSSES MORE THAN WINS

Because it bothered me that I wasn't in the relationship I wanted, I went out and started a journal. I remember being with Mookie, and there was some slight fraying ... could have been nothing more than expected wear showing, so it wasn't a panic thing. But after while, things begin to go into a steep retrograde to my hopes.

The things that bothered me in a vague way, started to surface. And I think that is where this one lady got things twisted.

When it comes to my taste in women, no matter what else you may think or even see, when it comes down to it, I like full figured women. Maybe some cut 'Mica babe' or 'Jill' will catch my eye, and that is who my partner is supposed to be. But I have always found myself with women who, quite honestly, outweighed me. It never, never, EVER bothered me.

It is when it bothers THEM, that it bothers me. And that is when this lady got 'bent'.

First, she made some comment about what about my shape ... and then she went in about me being one of 'them' brothers.

I was like hold up, you don't get it. I am 'quote, unquote' fit. I run and train. Mookie had me on the scale when I decided to get back with her, and all I saw was the 17 year old Mookie I knew. So it wasn't like that. It was about her and taking charge of some of the things that she was feeling, and maybe squeezing in some 'couple time', because it would be intimate for us to train together.

Second, why yes dear lady, I have been what is called by lonely G.I.'s the world over as a 'Jody' ... Slick Willie ... and by women across several continents (uh, unfortunately, that isn't an exaggeration) as 'ho'. But I am not looking for a pardon, and even if there is no statue of limitations, I am aiming to never again be that way.

I had hoped, that instead of simply condemning me, and writing me off, she would help me out with finding my way. You know, the whole big journal family, looking out for one another, laughing, smiling, crying and helping others to grow ...

BUT THERE IS ALWAYS A CATCH

Some of the subjects I tend to tackle here, are unpleasant to some. That is okay, because life can be unpleasant for some as well. I am trying to live as best I can. But this quote, "He who knows he is a fool is not the biggest fool He who knows he is confused is not in the worst confusion." -Chuang Tzu, keeps me hopeful. I know I don't know it all, so I am still trying to learn more. I call myself a 'lovable mess' (unlike AKA, who is simply a mess), because I am aware that I am a mess.

I have admitted to (myself at least!) my being confused. That is why there are 'series' to my entries, to try to control as much as I can in my mind. When I was 'PMS'ing about Mookie's weight, it wasn't a matter of her getting 'whatever' physically, but it was more out of my frustration that an opportunity for us to get close was slipping by. But this lady had pegged me as one of those cats who grief their significant other about their body, while they sport the 'Homer Simpson' look themselves.

Because it wasn't like that, when I emailed her, replying to the comment she left, she started to screed on me. Whoa! Whoa! Simma down, now girl, simma down! Wasn't trying to offend her or anything, but last time I checked, a 'journal' was a place for someone's personal thought. Though the exhibitionist has me along with about a few hundred million of my closest friends putting their laundry out on the internet, that I share intimate thoughts were to be expected.

Not only that, I thought it was understood that if you leave comments, some one could reply back to it ... and on occasion, I do. This was, in my mind, one of those occasions.

Had she shared with me, from her experiences or from her 'projections', how I could have been a better partner for Mookie (or in general), it would have been appreciated. Especially if it comes from someone who has 'lived to tell the tale' and is enjoying the kind of relatiohship that I am seeking.

THE ART OF WAR GUY

Not saying that I do know who I am (unlike the subject of Dennis Green's ire, I wasn't who people thought I was!), but this is prolly one of the three or four reasons people get to read this:

"He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened." -Lao Tzu

Not that I am all that, but all that IS my goal!! Life is a journey by default. I think you get to choose what is going to be what on that journey. That is how I reconcile the singular focus, with the appreciation of the trip. They both go hand in hand with each other. Trying to find that balance is what I am after.

Well, y'all owe this long winding entry to the rain outside!! Otherwise, there was trouble for me to get into, and I was going to get into it!! Thanks for sticking this out!