More Words ...

BECAUSE THINGS HAPPEN SUDDENLY AND WITHOUT WARNING ...

... that is why when 'it' is 'triggered' ...

... 'it' is said to be on a 'hair trigger'. As I have mentioned, there is sort of a storm of things swirling about, that has me 'in state'. Not that anything is preventing me from doing what needs to be done, but like the high winds that have blown thru here recently, they are going thru my life, and all I can do is let them blow.

That is all anyone really can do, when life decides to blow at you ... let life blow. The things you can control, you control. That is what all this is about for me, I guess. Trying to let things blow over until things are calmer.

What was it that prompted this 'state' I am in? Can't say, other than 'take your pick'. The first couple of days of March started ingloriously, and honestly things haven't really gotten much better. Not ready to listen to 'Doll Parts' just yet, but I am trying to live thru this!

FIVE FOR FIGHTING ..?

Or is it 'nifty at fifty'? How many partners is it before you decide you want to settle down?

Where my 'count' is now, I won't tell. Nor am I going to tell what it was when I got married. But I did think that I had 'sowed my wild oats' while in the service, and when I ETS'd, it was with a ring in tow, because I thought that it was the logical step for me.

Was it bad intel, or like the warhawks in the Bush administration, was it the ignoring and creating poor intel, poor analysis and bad policy, that led us into Iraq, that had me marry my wife? It could have been all that, contributing to me getting married to someone who was NOT the one. I was so focused on getting married and building a life, that I kept on despite every thing else...

I have never seen anyone want to get tackled by someone who says they are a linebacker. But plenty of people enjoy putting up their hands, pretending to take a fighting stance, and cutesy-woo say, 'I'll fight you'. I really can't 'show' you what makes me a participant in boxing, the way that a good basketball player can pick up a basketball and start dropping in rainbow jumpers or blocking a shot in a pick up game in the park. Not too sure if anyone asks a someone who plays linebacker or one of the line positions to show them how they play football when they 'do what they do'.


But when it came to telling my ex wife that I box ... maybe because fundamentally, it is simple to the average observer, that they feel the urge to 'put up their dukes' and pretend to have a go at it. I vaguely recall some news magazine show where the reporter asked a pro wrestler if wrestling was fake.

The cat asking the question got cuffed by the behemoth, who asked, "Is this fake? Is this fake?", as he slapped him about the head. And that is why a pro wrestler normally doesn't face questions like that! But my wife often would playfully 'box' at me. She is the ONLY PERSON EVER to do that in my life. Even going to watch me train and despite the respect that others would show for my ability, she really believed that she could 'beat me up'. Man, talk about foreshadowing.

... and she was who I thought she was...

Because my observations of her are just that, my observations, I would tell 'new' people that, as I am saying here, that because we don't get along doesn't mean that you would not like her. In fact, it wasn't until our lone meet last year that she knew how I felt around her, and how she made me feel while we were together.

Before, when we were doing our weekend thing with Skye, I'd never let myself be alone with her. It wasn't until I went out to see her and our daughter last year, that being alone with her had happened. Sort of gets like that when you have to deal someone who has put you in peril of your life. And it gets even more surreal, when people put the havoc in the household when one existed, on you, when you are the only one getting hit, threatened, and sent to the hospital.

Yes Alison, the flags were there, but I did not pay them any heed. Her parents used to go at it, I would eventually find out. Me, I hadn't even CONSIDERED fighting between spouses. Since I hadn't seen it, how did I know that it happened? Movies? Television?? Didn't have conversations in school about it, and it isn't like that is something kids chat about at the lunch table anywho.

My rationale for marrying my ex wife? I have told myself that I married her because I wanted to marry someone, because I had a set of rings, and engagement as well as a wedding ring when I came home from the Army.

You got to do something to get what you want ... and since I wanted to be married, despite the little advice I did receive ('little' in that things went too quick for any of it to root up), and in spite of what I got from 'intelligence' and 'boots on the ground' feed back, I married her.

Les Brown told a story of a young man who worked for him, who said he wanted a car. Les told him to pray on it, and he did. A few months later, the young man had his car, but now he was complaining of the car payments to the finance company.

Mr. Brown then said to the young man, "You should have prayed for the car to be yours and paid for!"

The lesson: Ask for what you want, in painstaking detail. Be complete and detailed, and it will come your way. In spite of all odds. And I forgot to ask for someone who wasn't mean to me, who wasn't willing to talk things out, and who was capable of violence. Had I asked for that ... still, I do think of some of that stuff as 'standard' when you meet someone, don't you? I don't remember anyone talking about '... and I want them to have dreamy eyes, dresses well, and oh yeah, I don't want them to have a big right hand or be handy with frying pans, and I hope they don't leave me with bruises that show ...

Even being a victim of (man, it is HARD to think of myself that way, but that is what it is) domestic violence, it is hard to conceive of doing anything other than getting away and staying away. And like I have said, when my family found reason to back my ex wife's play ... again, not trying to justify anything, only saying what I felt.

Anyway, that is what I think, what I believe, and what I KNOW. And how is it a slug like me, goes about his day with a smile, even after 'something or other' has occurred in my life? Ask for it, and its yours ... and be COMPLETE about what you want! Why yes, Emily, I haven't always been ... well, after all that is what YOU see. Since when I look in the mirror and don't see 'that guy', I don't know what to tell you. What I can tell you is that despite what anyone may think, I still get to sit and ask of life what it is that I want. I will prolly find it along with ol' Andy Dufrense and Red on the coast in Mexico, and chill with a cool beer, and runnin' tours on a boat.

Chilling, I tell you, chilling. Like it or not, life is STILL what you make it. And I have decided to make mine Marvel!

BUT BEFORE I DO THAT

One of the journals that I read, has a line in it, "If I get there before you do, I am obligated to bore a hole and pull you through." I would like to think that there is some of that in me, and it isn't necessarily dependent on you liking me. Being that way, having that as a part of my 'forward positioning' approach, that sometimes it gets me into trouble. Every now and then I get my nose bloodied. Don't know if anyone has fought with a broken nose or badly split lip, but it is not the most fun.

Often, it isn't even about what I think of you that matters, either. I see a lot of that in folks I deal with, the 'splinter in the eye' kind of thing. Learned that people who are 'splinter seer's' prolly got their own 'what's what' to be dealing with. I don't need to try to get back or anything. People are who they are, and if someone doesn't like me, it doesn't mean that they won't need something of me. I am still going to be the 'me' I want myself to be ...

... that friend you have met on the 'backroads of life.'

That is how I feel, that I am 'obligated to pull someone thru.' The winds are dying down and the old spirits from the past are growing silent. Right now, I am just reading, dropping in exactly 'two cents', and not letting any self satisfaction slip into my online presence. Most of what got me all angsty and ready to listen to the Cure and pout about things, is gone.

Yes, the winds are mostly died down now. I will be alright.