Cause Believe Or No, Life DOES Follow Form

IF YOU ASK FOR SOMETHING, DON'T BE SURPRISED WHEN YOU GET SOMETHING BACK

That is part of what has gone into making March come 'in like a lion' for me. The thing that I have to understand, if you violate someone else's airspace, that is considered not just by North Korea, but by EVERYONE as an act of war. Can't imagine where something like that would be seen as a 'whoopsie, honest mistake!!

That it came with a warning, only further aggravates my error. Dag! And I am usually strong in tactical!

The lesson? Sometimes, that the light at the end of the tunnel IS a freight train! Watch yo' self! I know that I didn't, skipping my happy face right along ... it's like the old folks say, "Oh well!"

TOM BROKAW RIDING HIGHWAY 50

Going east to west. Sounds like a way cool trip. Would not mind at all seeing America that way. Cool, will even try to read his companion book as well.

STORM BREWED IN A TEA CUP

My trip to the MD went well. Good for that, because stroke sneaks up on people, and now I feel a little better about that. My friend/trainer's passing, along with my Best Sister coming around, awoke ancient feelings that are now skittering about. That I got blew out of the sky along with being concerned about my tests and everything else from earlier in the month, has combined to put some stuff on my mind.

Now my Best Sister is due to graduate next January, fates willing. Came back to see friends ... when she grew frustrated with the 'family' part of things, I had to take a deep, deep breath before I engaged her in that conversation.

I don't think that some of their pursuits are unrelated to the influence that I had in their lives. Period. Even in talking to them, listening to them say things that make me reply, "Wow, that seems like a great idea," and they reply with, "You should, because I got it from you!!", is a left-handed compliment. It is good that they believe I had such a positive influence on them, but for someone who meant so much to them, they flat out let me down when I could have used their support.

The 'Willie Lynch letter', specific to not only black people, but the subjugation of ANY PEOPLE, outlines finding and exploiting the divisions within a people. One of the problems that Jan had, was that she got picked on for being darker skinned than I was. Then came my brother, who was at least as dark, if not darker than she was. But in the irony of life, the supposedly favored, light-skinned child was just as alienated from social groups as she was ... even my being 'smart' didn't help. I was called everything under the sun, and left on the outside always looking in.

I called it, 'the state of in-betweeness'. Floating between cliques and groups. A 'jock' without quite being a jock, a 'new wave' (didn't have all the splintering of music then as we do now ...) kid without the goth style clothing, or band tee's. You name it, I didn't quite fit it. Quel dommage ...

Then, to further complicate things, it was the DARKER SKINNED child, for whom society seemed to throw open wide its arms, and embrace. She was caught up, trying to find a reason as to why she had her own problems. Wasn't smart or light skinned ... and she couldn't 'see' where that worked anyway, despite the supposed 'popularity' of being 'yellow'. Our darling brother, sweet as all get out, did not fair quite as well in academics, yet was well liked.

He wasn't an achiever academically, not from lack of parental guidance. Don't know how anyone who may be reading this comes down on sexual orientation, but I watch my brother, from his chubby debut, until he grew up and become the man he always was, and knew that he was gay. I don't like saying that in the late 70's - early 80's that was hard to be, because I can't imagine being different from the cultural norms EVER being easy, but I remember it being a lot more cooler being homophobic then, that it is now.

The cruelty of children and the lack of understanding in school administration made it too difficult for him to attend school. So he never did well, and he would drop out when he got the chance.

Though she came around in her adult hood, when she was a kid, it was 'not so much'. Yet in a twist that I could understand, he doted on her, availing himself to her every scheme and plot. That is why I am glad to have been the oldest, if for no other reason, than I didn't have to be subordinate to her.

But as a young adult, I would discover that she had created a 'cult of personality' and her particular strain of misery hung over the family. There is a movie with Danny Glover, 'To Sleep With Anger', where a person comes in to a friends home, and everyone in the house find themselves set upon with all sort of bad fortune ... save the old friend.

That movie is how I have described the relationship Jan has with the rest of her peeps, not just with me.

AND NOW YOU TELL ME

Talking with my Best Sister about her relations with our sisters, got a bit frustrating this time. I would have liked to talk about my fallen comrade, my worries about my appointment, getting blew out of the sky, and of course, going to Nebraska.

She was also disappointed that Skye hadn't called her back, and she mentioned that it was seen as possible 'bait', to make Skye visit with me. And she couched it in that 'keeping it real' format that people who themselves can't handle the truth, do.

I stopped her immediately. I told her that for way too long, she has come to me with the same conversation about her sister's. You would like to tell me about 'what's real'? Look at where we are, and tell me do you think that our steps would let someone come in from outside their family and tell them about the brother they grew up with, from diapers and pacifiers, to purchasing dresses and limos for high school prom?

Calmly, but firmly, I explained to her that it may have helped if when my marriage was imploding, that someone believed in me. Even after a trip to the hospital (of which, I made two, the second costing me a fight), the only thing I heard was scorn ... from my family, INCLUDING you.

I got over that sh*t. I really suggest you start to do the same. Get over that crap and yourself. You are in Chicago with your daughter. Jan is in Miami and Army Sis is headed for Youngsan Post, R.O.K. Me, I am getting set to leave for Nebraska.

"In short, if someone is thinking about this crap, it is hard for me to tell."

Then, since I was on the subjective side of the family question, I asked, "Do you think our steps, would have done what y'all did to me? As scurvy as our stepbros. are, as mixed-up as step sis is, the one thing you can count on, is that they will circle the wagons for one another."

"Excuse me, if I make like Steve Busecmi and play "F*ck you to the waitresses", as you continue to wonder why the people who have always treated you like 'this', continue to do so."

Hopefully, I was calm and not angry, though I could feel it in my veins. I had learned a couple of weeks ago, in the discussion I had with AKA, that maybe I was still a little too 'course' when I talked with people. Then again, it could be that no one expects that of me, to be able to 'keep it real'.

"Love your sisters. You don't have to stop doing that. Let that shine thru. But go on with your life, and don't let yourself be caught on the side of the road, wondering 'what if' and 'why'. Everybody is who they are, and they are going to be who they will be."

"Just as I have with you. From your own mouth, without prompting you spoke of how we were at home, and tried to be as adults, that I was the only one you could count on, to have your back. Yet still, you are justifying how you let me down when I could have used your support."

"You go back to Robert Morris, finish what you got to finish, and quit looking back. It is alright if you go on and find your 'thing'. Appreciate it for what it means to you, not what it means to anyone else. But don't worry anymore about some complicated and patently false sibling issues."

WE ARE STILL COOL

She called after she got in, and we laughed and joked about going to see our Army Sis before she deploys. Might be 'doable'. We will see about that. Already looking at some 'cost overruns', and when I first began to orientate myself towards leaving, I did so on a budget with a slim margin for the unexpected.