The date ... the day without a date

RANDOM ... SORTA ...

... more like I will see where I will end up when I am done.

Muddled thru last week, none the worse for wear. I think that Nebraska and I have come to an understanding, one that assuaged a lot of my 'imagined worries'. Now I can concentrate on the things that are tangible, and deal with them.

Decided to see if I can run thru the week, mainly because I don't have anything else to do. I would like to believe that I am trimming up, though I haven't been on a scale in ages. The reason for that is simple, as I believe how you feel and consistent work trumps what is on the scale. Only numbers you need to be concerned with if you are really training 4 days a week, are cholesterol and BP. If those are good, and you feel fit, then you prolly are.

The line for today's entry is from one of my fave readings, the Nikoali Golgol story, 'The Diary of a Madman'. It is the story about a low level government clerk, who is obsessively attracted to the Department head's daughter. He imagines her dogs talking to him, and creates elaborate situations surrounding his 'relationship' with this woman, who is clearly above his station.

He grows more irrational as the story goes on, and when he is finally dragged out of everyone's life, he is believing himself to be the King of Spain ... that was deep to me! Another of my 'literary models', Cross Damon does much the same thing, only sans the 'break' from all reality as the cat in 'Madman' endures.

Cross feels smothered by his life. He is 'a smarter than the average bear' kind of cat, frustrated by a lot of things ... from his level in life, alienated by not fitting in comfortably with social circle. He makes me think of a black 'John Galt' wanna be ...

Between the both of them, I felt, went through a disassociation from their own real selves ... that is the thing that gets me about existentialism ... at some point, something simply IS. No more and no less. But when you are well to do, like Sartre and Thoreau (not classically an 'existentialist', but hey, it is my opinion, ain't it?) it is easy to be lost in deep thought and ponder crap concepts that you actually don't have to deal with in the material way that the clerk and Cross had to. I think that is why they lost themselves to madness and despair. When you are well to do, you can afford to be eccentric.

When you are not ... you are ostracized if you try to be a part of the wider society, and exiled to the fringes of whatever level you are on, pushed further from the mainstream. The push is gentle at first, begun when you are young, and not allowed to partake in the 'reindeer games' of youth, to finally bludgeoned by dodgeballs and not invited to the small dances in jr. high ...

... you go to high school, and for a moment, you hang with the loners kids, the burnouts and goth gang, wearing black and listening to Robert Smith. But then you are not really comfortable with any of them and you find yourself pushed further to the fringes ...

The what and why I didn't get lost in melancholy is a mystery to me. I know that I have always chosen to think positive ... even when I was wrong.

FILLED WITH AMBITION

This was something that I find many people, like the two guys I have mentioned, lack in their day to day lives ... as I wake up, you NEVER know how 'happy' I am going to be, only that I am going to wake up with a smile!

Right now, getting to this plateau with what is for me, a completely unconventional plan (which is saying A LOT) with 'braska has freed me up ... and I am even lighter spiritually. I can concentrate on making sure that my will power is strong and I am really going to get there despite the difficulties I may face.

Sent KT's 'official' invitation for the summer. Going to keep it short, a week and a half ... may go out to Chicago to see her Aunt and cousin. Sort of want to take her to Cedar Point, but she IS going to need someone to get on the rides with her! I have no desire, but that is what I say now ... we will see when we are 'boots on the ground', and she looks up at me with those brown eyes ...

TODAY'S VIDEO

I was going thru some Daft Punk songs, and stumbled on this one. This has turned into a huge career break for this young woman, who was featured in an ad campaign for jeans over in Europe. My nephew does some local dance thingy ... he was watching video's of guys who can 'get it' on the dance floor.

As he sat and was watching some cat getting money thrown at him, I started talking about how he could market himself and maybe HE'D be the next big thing ... gonna have to let him see this, then tell him what it did for this girl. He may not get a break, but you never know, so you'd better watch!