Clarification and Explination

MAYBE THIS WAS CONFUSING

There has not been a time when I have been conscious that there has been an abscence of faith in my life. It has always meant a lot to me. It is important that you have the trust, the belief, in yourself, before you can have it in anyone else. And in many ways, I don't see enough of that in AKA to suit me. Period.

I think I should have at leas put a comma after 'conscious'. Hopefully I got across that I do have faith in my life, and it keeps me from wallowing in the life that I have made for myself. Accept and move on, with the intent to try and do better the next time, that is my preferred attitude about things.

One of the things about AKA, one of the many issues I have with her, is that she gives me the impression that she has been and gets spoiled. That's her business, but when you talk 'merger talk', at least with me, those are the kinds of things that have to be worked out.

SEE, I KNOW I AM BUT WHAT ARE YOU?

And I ride a big red bike like Pee Wee Herman too!

When you tell me 'what's what' about you, then that is what I am going to expect of your character and how I am going to treat you. As the relationship between us is being developed and forms its own character, what you told me at the beginning is still going shape how I 'carry' you.

AKA's are notorious for being stuck up sorority girls. When I met this 'AKA', she was no real exception, but we did have a conversation, and essentially, the rest of the story is history. One of the early things that she said about herself, lent to the idea that she considers herself a 'truth tellers', you know, one of those 'friends' who will tell you the uncomfortable things that everyone else won't. Y'all know the type ... ask them if you 'look fat in these jeans', they will say yes, tell you that your boy/girlfriend is crap and all that other stuff.

Well, okay then! So that is how I have treated her, as someone who is strong and can take it ... because if you are going to dish it out, you HAVE to be able to take it, right?

She comes from a fabled 'safe and stable home', and that is great for her. But by telling me you are a 'tell it like it is' person, I will respond and treat you like that. Not that it is my general character, but it is in me, and if that is how you are ...

When we had our most recent 'talk' a few weeks ago, I reminder her that she told me that about herself. The reason I reminded her of it, was because she remarked that she 'wasn't like you, cut and dry'. I was a surprised, taken aback really. I reminded her of the impression she made on me when we first met, and that it had stayed in my mind.

I told her that is why she hadn't really known some things about me, because the facade she has erected, while only a facade, was enough for me to keep my distance from her. See, no one really cared why the wizard is behind the curtain, they still wanted what they came there for. And if they can't get it ... well, I told her that is why, in part our relationship never went further than it did. I may be nice, forgiving, and sensitive, but I don't or won't 'play myself out'.

I can have pity for people, but when I am in a line behind their own self-pity, I am like, 'get the hell over yourself.' I don't coddle, sorry about that. Because I am cheerful when it comes to slogging thru the muck in life, doesn't mean that I am a simp, who doesn't get it. I do get it. I get that you are born into a world, and that this, for better or worse, like it or not, is the only opportunity you are going to get.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANY MORE ...

... so come on, what are you waiting for? Really, I would like to know what she is waiting for, with her big, bad Michigan degree (in what, I have never asked ... which is another thing in her particular 'rabbit hole'), a Mom and Pop who have been married forever, two older brothers and a sister to have helped you develop and mature ... in some ways, you can say she had all the breaks. But man, she is such an underachiever ... not that she has even attempted to fly and fell back to earth, because I don't think she has, ever.

Man ... this is annoying. Who has the time in their lives to be whining about living? Oh, I know who ... I tend to call them 'losers'. They are 'losers' because they have lost sight of the chances they have to make the life that they want, to make one that leaves them fulfilled and satisfied having lived. That is part of why I liked the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire', because ... well, GO SEE IT, and I can tell you! No 'spoiling' here!

I don't begrudge her the blessings that she has had in her life that I may not have had in mine ... because I think I was given what I NEEDED. The only reason it bothers me, is that she chooses to remain in her sleepwalk, and that I have to keep her at a distance. That takes work, and I am going to need all that energy for my next adventure. Which is what I told her.

So why is she back in the picture? I guess I will answer that quetion Monday or Tuesday, when I will allow myself to consider another 'question' in my life.