... I was tired the other day ... but I had hoped to put out that I know Mook sees me as her truest of loves, and that complicate things ... doesn't make it anymore difficult, because hurting someone's feelings is hurting someone's feelings ... and it needs to be done ruthlessly, and with as little, if not none at all, remorse ...
... today, spoke to AKA and had an interesting conversation ... nothing particular, just an interesting conversation ... I know that I could get back ... but that is jumping from one far-flunged rock to one even further out ...
... there is just a something about her, a phoniness that I have never been able to put my finger quite on ... I do know that I was uncomfortable with her being so super non judgemental about the condition at my Mom's house ... after seeing HER crib, I think that I understand ... her house is like one of those weird old people, who live alone with a bunch of cats or stray dogs ... I cannot get with her and her deeper psychosis ... too much for me ...
... AKA also is a cool girl ... super, super down<isn't everyone??> for me, but I never got over that initial unease about her ... and after what I went through blowing the feeling with my ex wife, I would rather hesitate and lose out on her, than to pursue her ... but she is in 'the in case of emergency, break glass' category ...
... there are plusses to her ... I love that we can have psuedo-intellectual conversations, and I am not afraid to stand up to her, and stronger enough to persuade with my thoughts ... her peeps are cool, though they seem to like me well enough, there is a general unease with them ... something just beyond the grasp of my feelings, but there nonetheless ...
... so that brings me to SD ... and the new target ... right now, I don't know how I will get from here to there, but that is my goal ... I should still be working, still with her ... but that is my bad ...
... still being faux hung up over Tee Jay cost me ... SD was super down ... at a level that few approach for someone ... and I know without a doubt, that she loves me ...
... and the concerns I have about her, are really, at this stage, and level of life, minor ... so I all need to do, is handle business on my end, which is going to school and getting it going for transfer to a four year college. ... no, everything won't just 'fall into place' but staying focused on what is ahead and not looking back over my shoulder atwhat was, then wonder what could have been ...
... I hope this is helping me hone my focus ... tired of being so head between my bootycheeks ..!
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