For Tomorrow

I never gave a hot diggity about Halloween. No reason and I don't have any negative connotation to it. Like the way celebrating my birthday faded from the list of 'must see and do' events in my life.

Right now, stuff about me is floating in my mind ... but I still like to laugh. To me this is funny. I would watch stuff like this on Current, which is unavailable on Cox Cable. I still subscribe to their offerings on You Tube and I wanted to share and see if anyone else agreed with me.

_____________________________________________________________

The other day Ken did an entry about Western and Eastern Philosophy that I thought was pretty cool. Like one of the people who left a comment, I thought it was cool how much ground he covered in the past few days.

It is easier to read and comment right now than it is to try to concentrate on what is going on with me and share what is on my mind with y'all. Don't know if it would be any different if any of you were right here and we were chatting over coffee. And some of the comments left about the awkwardness I am feeling now have been welcomed. I think about how there are people out in the world that are thinking I can do this and be that ... so I push on.

Of course things will take time for me to get used to... but one of the things that the 'missing entry' I referenced the other day talked about how the subject was having issue with being in a new surrounding. Right now, I AM in a new surrounding. See what I am saying?

When you add on top of it that if you made me choose between here and the Chandler Park area of Detroit, which would I pick ...

SPORTS ... IN BRIEF

Watching some of the congressional hearings on the effects of concussions in football, the SFC said that the commissioner of the NFL sounded like the cats for tobacco. I agreed, but I don't see where it is going to change anything. Football feeds into too many egos and makes far too much money. After all with all that is known about cigarettes, lots of people still smoke, don't they?

Going to go and join Anytime Fitness today. Hopefully things will feel better. Strange how things can be better but not feel better, with both sides of that statement being true.

THE DARKER SIDE OF PALE

IT'S ALWAYS FUN AND GAMES UNTIL SOMEONE LOSES AND EYE


This is a hard post to write. Hopefully I will get some stuff out and it will make some sense when I am finished. But first I would like to congragulate Miss Alaineus and Mr. Mischief on their engagement! What fantastic news and nothing but the best goes out to them!!


Haven't said so, but this has been a long month. Of course there have been great highs, like getting here and being with my SFC. Yet there are other issues that have cropped up, which while anticipated, the actual dealing with them have proven to be quite a challenge for me.


The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is a constant theme in my writing(or so the Germans would have me believe!!). A lot of things seem to 'happen'. But n0thing is really 'coincidence' in life. But I think that it is cool to put things off onto things like 'The Baader-Meinhof' or say clever things (to me, anyway) like how 'this and that isn't related' and attibute something to a mystical occurence in a lighthearted way.


Reality being what it is, nothing just 'happens'.


A few weeks ago I was stumbling around the Blogger main, wondering how to you find other journals that sound interesting. I forget how it was done on AOL Journals, but it was easier to me, peeking in at other journals and reading them. Right now I feel it is more of a word of mouth thing, or someone 'catches' your eye in the comment section of your or someone elses journal.


So I have no idea of how this one journal which motivated me to take the course I am going to be on this week, came to my perception. Since the entry that really struck me has been deleted, I don't know if I should link her journal. It does seem very personal and though it is in the public domain, I had better ask her before I do all that.


And I will instead talk more about myself and see what comes out.

While Wikipedia entries can be a little sketchy, I find them handy. They tend to use everyday language that can be easily understood by anyone with a senior high school reading level. I preferred this definition of my condition because I didn't want to bog this entry down any more than I think it is going to be.

One of the contrasting things about my dealing with stuff, is that one of the biggest crosses to bear, is the one about environment. Change is difficult because routine and familiarity are important in managing the quality of life of someone who has the kind of injury I have.

I try to push myself in spite of what my diagnosis may be. The reason for that is that much is still not known on the how the brain operates and its capacity.

IT'S NOT FOR ME


When I had my fall on my bike before I moved here to Virginia, I wasn't operating at specs. I was troubled by how I felt and though the MRI was good, it wasn't 'normal'. It was good 'for you' as the doctor put it. You feel what I am saying?


Now that the subject of brain injury has gained some traction when talking about football, each weekend you see concusive hit absorbed and the awkward descriptions by the announcers sort of hang in the air, now that the dirty secret is out about football. I would tell anyone who listened in the 80's about the numbers of football players suffering from 'punch drunk syndrome' being far greater than those who boxed. Not only that, but the injuries and other problems that football players have that affected the quality of life of retired football players made me think about cats who returned from war like conditions.


Hearing about what is going on with football and seeing the older players who were weekend heroes but now are shells of themselves, shuffling around and those who are close to them struggling to take care of these gentle giants ...


BUT STILL, IT'S NOT FOR ME


I don't care what may be thought, but I don't want someone to play the suffering spouse/partner to my barely ambulatory, inaudible mumbling shell of what I once was. That was why going west had its own special appeal. It makes more sense for me to find and make my own way than it does to lean on the idea of being in a relationship on any level.


As far as 'help' with my life goes, there are people who get paid to do that, it is a matter of going to the agencies I need to and having what needs to be done, done. I think that it is more about the environment and where I am at, that will determine how well I do.


The uncertainties and vagaries of the lives of other people and their lives intersection with mine are what causes me to feel insecure about the world in general. By myself, I am good. When I was with my Dad 'an' dem', I could count on being able to close my door and shut them out of my life while I was there. Then there was the very underappreciated times where I had my own spots and was living for me.


When I would say 'it will be fine if we were just friends', when it came to going out west, that was on point. Because when someone was getting on someone elses nerve, they could go home. From Mookie and then to the jumble at my Dad's, one of the promising things about being on my own, was BEING ON MY OWN.

From my stint at my Dad's house, one of the 'elephants' that didn't get a lot of discussion was how I felt that other lives and the energy of other people conflicted my energy and desires. What is best and what is best for me isn't always the same thing. Don't know if anyone has gotten this from my journal, but there is a feeling that I haven't been appreciated or received a 'return' on the value of the sacrifice I have made for others.

I am also worn out from the contradiction that exists in my life. Being alone would mean that I would not have to explain anything or feel compelled to share anything for whatever reason. This was a way I felt that I could uncomplicate my life. Since there is going to be complications ANYWAY, the ones that I could prevent from occurring, were the ones that I wanted to work on. Whatever else, was well, whatever.

And that is part of my current personal instability. It is something that is an internal issue. There really isn't any external source for it. Just have to deal.

AS THE WEEKEND APPROACHES

DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW!!

Football is on its way, and there are some exciting games going on. Having been out this way before, I don't know if I am going to get to see the games that I am most interested in. Good that Notre Dame has its own network!!

I just like the Irish. They have always been okay in my book, because they generally play a challenging schedule each and every year. They are guaranteed to play at least three big time football schools, in Michigan, USC, and they usually play a top flight intersectional school on top of that.

This is not to say that the other teams are pantie waists, either. I mean, State and Purdue can have random good teams and so can Stanford. Regardless of the streak against Navy that was recently broken, the Midshipmen play good football.

In fact, looking at their 'supposedly' easy schedule for this season, once you get past Nevada in the first game, I am wondering where are the cupcakes?? Back when Lou Holtz was coaching, I felt that a one loss Irish squad should always be playing for a national championship. I would match this season's schedule up with any team from the so called superior SEC. Sure, Wazoo is down, but Washington beat USC this season and have a top flight quarterback in Jake Locker. Pitt has a football tradition and UConn could still be riding the emotion of the tragedy of Jasper Howard, and they play to win as well.

Since I mentioned Mr. Howard ... it reminds me of my experiences on a campus and as a student. In a strange way, I was more concerned for my safety on campus than I was out in the streets. I don't think that campus security is well trained and have the proficiency that you would think they should have. They don't do a good enough job in keeping the 'townies' off campus. The administrations of most schools go to great lengths to hide and fudge the statistics of criminal acts as well. It really is quite shameful, paying all that money to send children to an environment where they are at so much risk.

OHIO STATE

It seems that there are questions about Terrelle Pryor and how he is being handled at Ohio State. Most of the comments seem to be about the Coach and his system not being able to utilize his skills to the fullest. In fact, the sports talking heads were saying how he would have been a better fit for the system that Rich Rodriquez runs at Michigan.

To clarify where I stand on the issue ... I think that Terrelle is a wonderful athlete. One cat even mentioned moving him to another position, like WIDE RECEIVER. Not that it would be a huge stretch. The Redskins Atwaan Randle-el was a QB who made such an adjustment as well as the Steelers Hines Ward, and they have really been a near HOF kind of players.

But I think that said more about the kind of persons and players they are, that they enjoy the kind of success that they have at the professional level. The kind of coddling that is being done regarding the Buckeyes QB 1, with his HIGH SCHOOL COACH putting blame on Jim Tressel and the offensive system says a lot about the development of Pryor's talent to me. He may be strong and fast, but what of the other skills needed to be a starting quarterback where at that level is EVERYONE is just as strong and fast as he is.

I wonder why the high school coach is upset with the expectations of the offensive system, instead of Terrelle being well schooled to play the more complex system that is expected of him for the Buckeyes. Anywho ...

Boston College and Notre Dame will have a good game going tomorrow. Big rivalry in between the two schools, one where it has been a while since the Irish have beaten BC. The Wolverines and Tate Forcier will have their hands full at Penn State and then the game of the day is State against Iowa. Would be great if Sparty could pull off the upset. Would be ginchy if not only did Sparty do it, but I get a chance to see the game!!

THE OTHER 47%

There is a lot of other things on my mind and they are of a more personal nature. One of the things that my move has done for me, has been the freeing me from concerns that were annoying and in many ways trivial. But they have been replaced by other concerns that are solid and real. I will go into them next week.

PERSPECTIVE, PLEASE!!

HAD NO DESTINATION


Tonight's episode of 'Glee' was pretty cool. It is one of my favourite new shows and it is pretty cool. I am thinking it will get better as it goes along ...


Earlier today, I watched a 'College Humor' video of Pete Holmes doing stand up about the reality of being young as opposed to being an adult. He used the line where an older person say my age or a little older, tells a younger person of 10 or so about how good it is to be a child. There is some profanity, but it is in context of the humor. Anywho I think it is a perfect precursor to the 'you should have done better in high school' line that the show 'Glee' seems to encapsulate.


You have the delusional girls who are in various states of their own image of themselves, the pure nerds and weird kids who are tolerated more than truly befriended. And then there are the jocks who are losers in denial, the notion of how few actually make it anywhere via athletics still lost on them...


... and it made me think about how much we put on our young people. With the current news you could make a case that it is harder on children than ever before. The crap Dad in Colorado, the missing girl from the Metallica concert, Haleigh Cummings ... you could go on and on about it.

Before I can be convinced that it is something more widespread, I want to know when did all the pedophilia, the violence and disrespect towards women, actually begin? Most of the concerns that are expressed today sound a lot alike the ones I heard when I was a child.

That is something that I think Pete's humor uses ... when has it EVER been that great to be a child? Unlike the issues being a woman, which is one that you can conceive of finding a solution, being a kid is to be vulnerable. When I think of all the things you can legislate as far as human behaviour goes, what kind of legislation do you have for the micro moments like a child leaving a toy in a fast food restaurant and not realizing it until the car is a few blocks from home.

Have you been in that situation? What do you do? And even if you do go back for both your sanity and your child's well being, how many parents do you know that are always willing to go that extra mile? How many times are YOU willing to do that?? There are times when I read Alaina's travails in her profession, how lucky anyone is to have such a person fighting to help them with their children.


And it crosses all social boundaries. It isn't only in the crap impoverished homes that this notion that it is worse now for kids than it is in 'our day'. Getting real, it wasn't that cool back then. I don't know how different the Oakland County Child Murders would sound now than it did back in the day.


Maybe because of Man's ego, he can't rationalize beyond the moment. How much energy has been expended in getting someone to think of tomorrow, as consumed as people are with today? It is the same thing in my mind when we think of how 'tough' it is for kids and how poorly things actually change in how we raise them.


Why do people think like that? Is it better to be an adult now than it was in the 50's? 60's? Or was it the 70's? If it was up to Trent Lott, he would take us back to Strom Thurmond's presidential bid as a segregationist, is that when it was better for a kid? Bet Emmet Till would have liked to argue that point.


I guess I don't think something can be 'worse' when it is a legacy. Maybe we hear more about individual cases, but some of that has to be due with increases in population. But I do think that people want to believe that there was an idyllic period in their lifetime, so that they can believe that something better is yet to come.

How many people can say that things aren't too bad right now? Imagine, I can take a written test, get a license to drive and like the stand up implies, take $50 bucks and get keys to a car. Can't do that at 10!

Nope, I like the present just fine, thank you very much. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow will take care of itself. What we have is the moment we are in and in a few more moments, I will go to bed and sleep next to my best friend ...

... after I eat a Butterfinger!

WHIMSY WEDNESDAY

TODAY'S VIDEO





As much as I liked her in the Sugar Cubes, like most divas who go it alone, I think that Bjork really grew as an artist on her own. She has made quite a decent career for herself, insane and obsessive stalker fans notwithstanding. She made a stir with some bird gown that she wore to an awards show, but that would be relatively tame compared to the muff shots we got of pop sensations recently.

I don't think that I have ever explained how 'it' works for me regarding music and associating it with a person. Rare has it ever been that a song stays linked to a person. Usually I have my feelings for the music before my feelings for a person comes into the picture.

Now that I think about it ... only one song has really made me think about a person and that was My Delta Girl in that love locked way, 'Deeper and Deeper' by Madonna. And I wonder if that was because of the snowstorm I was driving thru to get back to school! Wouldn't risk fumbling around to find a replacement tape for the cassette single (which I still have, thank you very much!) that was in the car stereo.

There isn't any person in mind for this song to have a special significance to me other than its sweeping beauty. The companion video is very imaginative, the idea of finding 'your book of life' and knowing that you were living the life that was meant for you and you alone. After all, that IS what we are all doing, dontcha know!! Authoring our life's story with each and every moment we breathe.

So for real, if you feel bad it is more of a creation of your own mind and you can control that. It comes down to you being aware and recognizing your own limitations. That is why when Flavor Flav rapped, "It was YOU who made your due ..." on the song 'I Can't Do Nuthin' For You, Man' by Public Enemy, I felt the lyrics were spot on.

Doing the math, it seemes that those who take charge of their lives and decides that they were going to go where they 'saw' themselves, were in a better position than those who simply 'talked about' where they wanted to go and what they wanted to be. Are the folks in the 'safe and stable homes' any better off than those who are going to be the backdrop of a Ridley Scott vision of future that is bleak and dark? I wouldn't know but I think I would rather 'be that' than 'be this' (see, I am tryin' to tol' ya ... 'this and that' isn't related!!), vulnerable and disconnected from an actuality that I imagine in my mind.

You could say that I 'found my big book deep in the ground'. Thing is, I found it a long time ago and that is what keeps me hopeful and vexes me at the same time. I have traveled to many of the places that I have ever hoped to have seen, places that when I was a little boy that I would spin the globe my Best Aunt had and go to in my mind.

I would follow the direction of the oceans and sit down and feel the crash of the ocean waves against my skin, the sky dark overhead. Somewhere along the way, I lost my passport ... and since I don't keep mementos, that was the ONE THING I had to show someone that I have been to Russia and Monte Carlo ... been to Japan and Thailand ... fortunately I am now with a person who knows for herself that I have done much of what I remember (and a few things that I don't!!), so I am cool with that.

... AND IT STARTED WRITING ITSELF

Uh, I may have felt that my life was one not of coincidence, but of known mysteries that would reveal themselves after I had taken a step closer to see what they were. I know that I don't get caught up in 'how' I am going to get somewhere, only that I know that I will.

Reading some of the entries of other people, I ask myself if the writer realize how much of the 'power of intention' (sure, I got it from Wayne Dyer ... he is the one that has profited from the commercialization of that phrase ... doesn't mean you can't put it to use!!) by doing crap like my sister Jan, and finding reasons to excuse their lack of living the life that is possible for them.

Life happens whether you are happening to it or not ... what you have to do is be ready for it. I can't worry about how much more of an advantage that some one else had over me ... that isn't part of my problem as much as filling my destiny, doing the best that I can with what I got, is.

Now, I have to figure out what it is that I have, because my book is still writing!!

FOOTBALL ... YOU BET!!

NOTRE DAME AND OHIO STATE


I think both teams have 'not as good as they hoped for' coaching. Charllie Weis came to South Bend with the 'offensive genius' label attached to his resume. But often success in one area of football, say the pros, doesn't gurantee success in college football.


Were anyone to ask me (and no, I haven't been asked!), Charlie Weis' problem stems from his inability to get acclimated to the culture of college football. He doesn't seem to relate as well to his players and they struggle because I don't think that there is a passion about Notre Dame football in that locker room. In my mind, all the air has been sucked out of that balloon and is being used to float the bloated ego of Charlie Weis.


The Irish are a little lost. The two games that they have let slip out of their hands have been about passion. It is hard to have passion when you are doing something just for yourself and your own reasons. What I am saying is, they don't play for the school or anything else. Part of being in a team sport is that you get that shared experience of doing something for a reason bigger than yourself. The Irish don't have that.


In the enthusiasm of finally hiring a 'certified coaching genius', they took off the first year Coach Weis was the ND coach. Then reality hit and he got 'passes' because he was coaching with Ty Willingham's supposedly inferior recruiting classes. But I never thought that was the problem. The Coach, who made no friends around campus with his attitude and stand-offishness, in my mind is the problem. He couldn't lead a Girl Scout Troop on a cookie sale.


IT HAS TO BE THE VEST


What I know about Jim Tressel isn't much either. He was a successful coach at Youngstown State and he came to Ohio State with all the passion and desire you would expect of someone getting their dream job. But for all his success, there were persistent issues with violations surrounding him regarding recruiting and whatever.


Remembering how trumpeted the recruiting process was for Terrelle Pryor, I wonder if the graduation rates have continued to stay the same at OSU. He WAS a lock to go to West Virginia and to follow Rich Rodriguez would have been natural ... Anywho, I don't like the kind of football he coaches. Conservative and simple, don't lose the game on offense and bend but don't break on defense. With as many good, top flight players as they have in Columbus, you would think ... I know I THINK they should not only be more dominant, but certainly more competitive in bowl games.

But other than the one national title he won, the Buckeyes have looked overmatched in bowl games and in intersectional games, if you ask me, as well. And I have to wonder if the coaching level isn't too much for Jim Tressel.

Coach Weis and Coach Tressel in my mind, have problems with dealing with where they are at, but in very different areas. Before I change topics, a word about Terrelle Pyror.

With Michael Vick and Vince Young's play, the 'Mandingo Quarterback' was born. In both cats, you have athletically gifted players who don't have the traditional skill set of a quarterback. Terrelle Pryor is cut of that cloth, where he is gifted but not necessarily with the proper skills of a quarter back.

At some point, you have to wonder if he is 'smart' enough to play the position. It isn't about having the intellectual ability ... if you don't have the cognitive skills that a quarterback needs, you don't have them. Doug Williams, Steve McNair and Donovan McNabb, black quarterbacks who played well at the highest level of pro football, could do it. Why can't Vince Young and Mike Vick ... and possibly Terrelle Pryor?

One reason is that they may have never been asked to play as a traditional 'field general'. Being able to run faster and being stronger than kids as they developed from Pop Warner up to high school and college, athelticism was more than enough. With Vince Young, I think he scored a horrible score on the Wonderlic Test given to prospective draft choices. While Michael Vick's score wasn't a point of concern, he never struck me as a 'book smart' guy. And I had that opinion of him while he was in college. His subsquent convinction and the way he dealt with it publicly as he was charged failed to sway my opinion of him.

So my thing is, have they ever had to 'think' as a quarterback instead of the fastest and strongest guy with the ball in his hands? The Buckeye quarterback has never looked good, even in the games that they have won going away. This season, he has regressed and it shows.

One of the things about the problem of race is that who is the one that gets to call out the obvious?? Rush Limbaugh (LOL ... irony, ain't it ... gonna use a quote of his to bolster my arguement!!) got in trouble years ago with a statement where he said that "... the media is desirious that a black quarterback do well ..." and went off on a tangent that implicated the media in a rush to build up a black quarterback as a social statement as much as a repudiation of the idea that black's aren't capable of being a quarterback.

Even then, I don't think he was wrong. He may agree with the point that I am making right now, that the trio of black QB's mentioned aren't cognitively capable enough of being a quarterback. Why do I think that this may be possible??

We have seen or heard about cats in high school who is allowed to skate by in classes. They magically are eligible to play during the respective sporting season, no matter what their ethnicity. It just happens that at such a high profile position as quarterback and all the significance it carries, people are afraid to say the things that before the post-racial era began, they'd have no problem saying about a white quarterback.

That they are not smart enough. Neither Vince Young or Michael Vick had to graduate, as they turned pro early. And as far as Mr. Pryor goes, cats who are shopping their talents the way that I think he did, don't strike me as intellectual giants. Since no one else will, I will be the one to say it ... I don't think Terrelle Pryor has the cognitive skills to play quarterback. If he proves me wrong, big whoop. He wasn't going to share any of his NFL millions with me anyway, should he make it that far.

MORE 'LOVE' FOR FOOTBALL

I wish there was some way to 'book mark' stories on programs. ESPN ran a story late last week about the brain tramua that football players suffer during their career. You would think that this would have been more widely known long before now ... after all, early football was nearly still born, because of the various injuries and deaths that were occurring. What happened if like boxing, people knew what they were getting into??

Better press, I guess.

The expert on the show predicted that football won't ever be outlawed but as more and more is known about the risks of playing become known, that it will shrink and wither as the sport that I love, boxing has. Fewer and fewer people will participate and subsquently fewer will watch. Like that has affected 'go fast and turn left' NASCAR or auto racing, period.

I don't see it like that. Football is like smoking and alcohol, one of the great 'narcotics of the masses', a communal experience with which many Americans identify with. It's not going anywhere here in America. It feeds into the war like mentality of this country, which is why it is a sport that only we 'get'.

HAVE I RAMBLED ENOUGH??

Eh, maybe I have. The day to day stuff is interesting too. My things here are starting to find their place, and officially this is 'my home'. I am not simply 'living here', but I was told that I am home. And that is good enough for me!

TRAPPED IN A WORLD ...

FIRST ... USC - ND

Wow, that game nearly slipped my mind. I never understood why sometimes they play that game near the end of the year and other times they play it in the middle of the season. One thing I will say about this match up, is that the Irish fans may feel arrogant, but they are not as arrogant as other fans I know ... say Michigan football or Carolina basketball fans. Redskins fans are simply annoying.

Irish people it seems, are willing to accept that this is their best chance to beat the Trojans (beat the Trojans ... there is a double entendre somewhere to cover talking about them!!). Not because the Irish are that good. But that Pete Carroll's team has more holes in it than a pair of my running socks! That isn't arrogance, that is a concession that the programs are on different levels.

I would like for ND to win and Beth 'n Ken have a good football weekend. I haven't ever cheered for USC. But that part of the pressure on their coach to win this game is that the Trojans are weakend at a time the Irish is sorta good. Given this kind of mindset, next season when the Trojans are back up to speed, I guess it will be okay for the Irish to get trounced again.

Doesn't seem like arrogance. Seems like groveling. When you compete, you aren't waiting for the 'chance' to beat someone because they have slipped. That is why the Holyfield - Tyson thing on Oprah's show seemed so awkward to me. Mike's interview on the show earlier this week, he showed contrition for the ear biting incident. He DID offer a token defense for his actions and then ...

... he shifted into his 'trained bear' mode and told people what they wanted to hear. Some of what he said he does feel, like when he talked about Evander Holyfield being a 'John Henry' kind of man. I am sure he meant that. But the competitor in him never let him say 'sorry' and it hasn't other than the one time he did say it when he felt that everyone 'made him say sorry'. Mike isn't sorry and I don't think he should be. I don't agree with why he bit Evander, but I get the why he did it.

First of all, the training for the Olympic Games that they spoke about was when Evander saw he could beat Tyson. They tossed boquets to each other when speaking on it, but truth was there was only ONE cat who could deal with Mike. Not only deal with him, but put him in his place. Mike was 'running people out of the gym', and when you consider that they would win gold medals in the respective dvisions, that is saying a lot.

Evander was one of the lightly regarded members of the '84 team. He was in a 'dead' weight class at 178, and his moving up to cruiserweight didn't excite many people either. Not only that he had to beat a cat who many people thought was possibly the best fighter at any weight to make the team. He was not thought to be anything remotely close to being the hall of fame fighter he would become. But you could see where if they ever fought ...

And that brings me to #2. Styles makes fights. Mike Tyson's style never matched up with Evander's skill set. Because his punching prowess overshadowed his execution, people couldn't 'see' how Mike fought. You had to be a little scared of Mike for him to able to blow you out in the way he was known for and Holyfield (and myself ... the SFC remembers that about me!!) was never that.

AND NUMBER 3

Going back to Mike's non-apology, I was not at all surprised. For whatever reason someone wants to say, I have paid attention to Mike Tyson. I remember writing to him when he was in the pokey for the rail road job he got for the Desiree Washington case.

I will also let anyone tell me why I feel a kinship towards him and like Mike did this week, I will let the world be right. It wouldn't matter to me. I do know I think that many of the demons that haunt him haunt many black men in America, and one of the images I have for Mike Tyson is that of what would happen if you pulled up one of the creatures that dwell and spend their lives near the bottom of any of the great oceans of the world. Life had pressed upon him so hard in his youth, not at all unlike the pressure that the ocean exerts on life at the bottom of the sea. Those that can swim between the worlds do ... those that can't, obviously don't.

Every so often, they pull something up from the bottom of the sea and talk about how it hasn't been seen for however many centuries. Same with people. Maybe Mike was supposed to be left at the bottom of the 'ocean of humanity'. Maybe his life is complicated because he wasn't equipped to live at the level he does now.

He reminded me of the one sit down I had with my ex-wife last year. I knew how she felt about our relationship and I didn't remember it the same as she did. Rather than 'play ball', I was in many ways 'like Mike'. I said what I needed to say to facillitate our conversation. Kept my calm and was polite. But when it came to the brass tacks of our marriage, I did not budge. I told her that she jumped me and for all my whoring about, I only ever went out with one person and NEVER while we were in the same home. I think we spent as much time seperate as we did together in a marriage.

Maybe I could have talked 'bad' about myself and been super contrite. F*ck that. Some of MY best years were wasted fooling with her. Somehow my oldest daughter has found it simpler to ignore me and act as if I never lived at all under her influence.

Yup ... I bet Mike wanted to tell Evander, Oprah to kiss his a$$ and to leave him the hell alone about this crap. There wasn't anyone to give him a break in Brownsville, and the only person who did care about him would pass on before he could finish maturing. The all the leeches and the people who didn't care about anything but what they could get from their relationship with him.

'Trapped in a world he never made.' That was the line that went with the title for the 'Howard The Duck' comic book. I think that is what has happened to Mike.

He started to ramble a little bit ... because he was so off his mark. I am sure he had to 'motivate' to sit down for the inital interview. He really didn't know what he wanted to say ... and he DIDN'T apologise for anything either. I think he wants to be mainly left alone and live what is left of his life.

I know that feeling, too.

THE TRUMAN SHOW

MY LAST ENTRY


Since some of the symptoms of my condition are things that I have mostly become used to and the SFC is already intimately familiar with, when I am thinking about that kind of 'stuff', the content of my last entry, I am feeling pretty okay. For real, I have never read or watched the same news that everyone else does, even though we are all watching Katie Couric do her thing (I would rather watch Brian Williams ... but I have only been here a week and 'doing what the Romans do' is guiding me now!!) on CBS at 6:30.


As far as things between me and my girl ... things couldn't be better. We are still getting used to having each other around, though. For instance, today I stayed in bed until 7:30 because she is used to having the dark hours of the morning to herself. Tuesday she was a little stunned after she got out of the bathroom and saw me not only on the couch awoke, but AWOKE!!


There have been other 'adjustments' as well and this entry has some of the adjustments that are being made in it.


MEDIA WATCH ... AGAIN!!

I was getting a hair cut when the Heene saga was at its highest peak, just before they discovered that he wasn't in the balloon. I told another cat who was waiting to get his ends clipped that I didn't think that the boy was ever in the balloon. My reason was that I didn't see how he could have both been in the makeshift contraption and release it from its moorings.


To me, it was a case of the boy being mischievous and screwing up. That is what kids do. In fact, I know the story of a little boy who not only tried to stick a hair comb in a car ignition and try to start it, but this little kid accidentally spilled some water down the back of a television. When it didn't immediately explode, he proceeded to pour the rest of the glass of water down the back of the tele and it DID pop!!


Immediately hearing about what happened in Fort Collins, that is what leaped out at me. The other stuff about the family and their oddities mattered less to me than the little boy doing what little boys do, when they have screwed up. In fact, the entire incident didn't seem to be 'staged' the way that I would have predicted the family would have to court attention.


Watching late night HLN, you would have thought that was the most important story in the country, or at least as far as Jane Velez-Mitchell (JVM now and ever more) was concerned. Her hairstyle makes me think 'rodent', and she shouts everything. But she still was less annoying than the repeat of Nancy Grace that I watched.


Her discussion on the Haleigh Cummings case a strange conversation. She had one caller talk about her two blessings, her two twins ... three if you count her husband, Nancy added.

When did we start getting so chummy with TV personalities? I mean the caller gushed about a person that on the surface she wouldn't have much in common with, then she ragged on a situation that she is prolly only a few degrees of separation from at that present moment.

As I watched the rest of the program and the following show 'Showbiz something-or-other', there was more 'chummy talk', as though the people hosting the program were nothing more than friends of the viewers ... and I honestly couldn't have cared about the hosts as much as I hoped they did their job and dispensed information that I could make use of.

This is not to say that it doesn't happen in sports, but they tend to 'stick to the script' and talk about and through the event. I haven't ever seen Tiger Woods ask an commentator about their kids or anything. Part of what makes the Troy Poluamu commercial campaign for Head and Shoulders funny, is that there isn't a personal connection between the announcer and the subject. This added level of familiarity is new. At one time the lives of the privileged class was the stuff of fantasy. It wasn't that long ago in fact. But a lot of that privilege was at the expense of other people.

Another topic that was bandied about on the JVM show was the Jessica Simpson controversy. On the Fox NFL show, they aired an ad that lampooned her and her weight gain. Of course when it comes down to it, I am like 'who cares'. Obviously a lot of people do, because it was on many of the talk shows this week.

Now, I don't know what size the SFC is. I suspect it is in the single digits and was prolly another reason I didn't hassle her when we stationed together. It isn't that I don't like slender women, but if I had to pick between a preference at that time, I'd would rather chase after a 'Mom Jeans' Jessica Simpson.

BUT ... she does trade on her looks. I mean, she played 'Daisy Duke' in a terrible movie. So she had to understand that she was sexy and had an 'appeal'.

So for her to get joked on a 'He Man's Woman Haters' kind of show, doesn't surprise me. I understand the political correctness of everything, but we DON'T live in a Utopia. I don't even think that we are TRACKING towards one. And this brings me to one of the things that I noticed about watching HLN in the wee hours of the morning.

The more conservative folks take and weave their fantasy around issues that matter in the big picture. They take nonsense stuff and put it into things that matter. That is how we got the Patriot Act. At some point in one or several of the think tanks that really run policy, someone came up with a strategy and people who thought it made sense got elected to office. Once there, they went on and put it into action. They think in the 'macro-verse' and take it micro.

Liberals want to take small issues and expand it, largely missing the source of a particular issue and making a mess of things. They are overly concerned with a sense of fairness, which is a human creation. And it is a problem that others don't have the same playing field until it changes THEIR playing field. Whatever.

That is where I see a line between liberals and conservatives. One wants things their way as long as they don't have to do anything to make it happen. The other wants things their way and they don't mind getting a little dirty doing it. And like most groups that 'oppose' each other, they both operate the same when it comes to holding on to what they have.

MORE MEDIA

I don't know if anyone else knows it, but Tracy Morgan isn't funny. He wasn't funny when he did 'Showtime At The Apollo', and I don't think he is funny on '30 Rock'. But it isn't what you know and it is who you know. Tina Fey, who IS funny likes him and wrote him onto her show. Each scene he is in, my funny bone grows still. The caricature of the ignorant, indulgent minority he play in the cast of the 'television show' is an insult to all the real indulgent, ignorant minority stars in entertainment, right Kanye West??

He took a swing at all the cast members who he feels dissed him when he was on 'SNL', like Cheri Oteri and Chris Kataan. Don't know what went down, but I noticed that he didn't speak on Wil Ferrell or Molly Shannon. Or mention that he is riding on Tina Fey's coat.

Well, that is more than enough for this entry. No football ... I mean being out here in ACC/Big East country prolly means I won't get to see any good football regularly, unless an SEC game pops on. Would LOVE to see Iowa-Wisconsin game ...

... and like Michael Stipe, "I've said too much ... I haven't said enough!"

1ST WEEK IN

YOU KNOW WHAT STUART, I LIKE YOU. YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE OTHER PEOPLE, HERE IN THE TRAILER PARK...


I don't know if I have ever mentioned it before, but I don't care for the D.C. Metroplex. This includes the area I am in, Northern Virginia. They haven't decided if they are old guard south or if they are enlightened cosmopolitans.


Then there is D.C. itself.

Because it isn't like I didn't know where I was going (even though I don't where I am FOR REAL) when I decided to come here. The WHY outweighs any of the negatives to being here.


Apparently there is a tight govenor's race going on between Robert McDonnell and Creigh Deeds. These cats are NOT PLAYING with their commercials. I wouldn't know who to believe, the mud slinging is so fierce.


Yesterday, I went out by myself for the first time. I walked about a half mile to the gas station and bought the Times and the Post. Sorta strange as the area looks to be stuff put up around the highway without any consideration for pedastrian traffic. Sorta like Telegraph Road back in Detroit. Only with more traffic. Anywho, the plan today is for me to walk somewhere and get a haircut and come back without getting lost. My new cell phone has an application that should help me out with directions if anything develops.


Speaking of the Post ... the obit for Laurent Muriawiec drew my interest. In '02 he did briefing that linked Saudi Arabia to Terror in the world. He suggested that we go over there and seize their oil fields and their assets if they didn't take action against terrorists. As I read more about him and looked at a few pieces about him on line, it seemed as if he became obessed with the idea of radical Islam spreading its ideology throughout the world.


Now the cat who asked Laurent to present his briefing to the Pentagon was considered to be very hawkish himself. While the fallout from his controversial presentation negatively affected his career AT FIRST, with his being fired from his job at the Rand Corp, an influential government think tank. He'd catch on at another think tank, the Hudson Institute and as a fellow in its Center for Middle East Policy.

Now I am feeling a little 'light' in my car, so I am aware that I am 'leaving the rails'. What got to me is the way we think that the people we elect make and effect policy in government and really they do not. It is too much for any person to think about and be informed on, the workings of national government.

There is always a layer just out of sight where things are being done and make 'sense'. If this was too far fetched for consideration, the Rush Limbaugh bid to be a part of the ownership group to by the St. Louis Rams may be a clearer example of how things REALLY work, and it happens beyond our view and understanding.

The cat that thought bringing him on board is the cat that caught my attention, Dave Checketts. I recall him from his years working with the New York Knicks and Madison Square Garden.

I don't know if this was a bid to get a 'celebrity owner' as being done with the NFL's Miami Dolphins. Marc Anthony, Serena Williams and Gloria Estfan have small shares in the team, which is done more for marketing reasons. If it was, then WHO are they going to market their football team to?

Okay, okay ... I get the obvious problems with Rush Limbaugh and his being able to reconcile his political views and being a part owner in an industry that is 70% minority staffed. What bothers me is the fact that there is a group of rich and powerful men who initially didn't see his being a part of their group as a problem. It is only because it is bad for business, not that they had a problem with his politics, that they decided to rescind their offer of being a part of their bid.

It is the group of guys who's name that I don't know, who gets to keep their secret predjudice and ideals hidden that I am wondering about. What is THEIR personal agendas?

One of the things I like to tell people when it comes to my own wild flights into the land of 'TheLone Gunemen' on 'The X-Files', is that it isn't that I or 'they' are not right ...

... but they aren't wrong, either.

Because you see, there IS as much if not more radical Islam in the KSA than in Iran. Maybe they aren't as violent as the cats in Afghanistan, but they have the loot and politcal connections to make things happen.

And while Dave Checketts has been a player in the NBA business for a long time, he also went to BYU and is a Mormon. Uh sorry Charlie, but I don't recall Mormons having the best relations with minorities (yeah, there is a few that have 'drank the kool aid', but that is for another conversation about mythology theory). As a minority and as many marginalized groups could attest, when someone can sell you something that they profit from at that groups expense, they will sell you ANYTHING, whether it is good or bad.

Like that we don't need a public option for health care. Follow the damn money, people. See where it ends up and you will discover who and why they don't want health care reform. Or new regulations in the fianance industry. And you know why, Stuart?? Because they don't want you to know that they are building landing strips for Martians!!

But I like you. You aren't like most of the people here, in the trailer park!!

MEDIA WATCH

NO TOLERANCE FOR ...

First off ... Zach Christie getting suspended for bringing his Boy Scout knife to school was dead on. One of the things that was lost in the hub bub over the six-year old, is the essay written by Dylan Klebold's Mom for 'O' magazine.

Susan Klebold said she had no idea of what was going on inside of her son ... and I believe her. Who knows what is going on inside of ANYONE at any given time? And with a 6 year old, anything can enter their empty little minds.

Maybe the policy needs to be reviewed. Zero tolerance policies often fail to produce the desired results. But what got me was the attitude of Zach's Mom. She was outdone that her little angel was lumped among delinquents. But good kids have moments of poor judgement too.

What if some other kid starts to wrestle him for the tool and gets hurt? Or someone spirits it away from him and uses it to hurt someone else? 'Weaponizing' of innocuous objects is a common enough occurrence with kids as they try to gain an advantage in defending themselves. Was the Mother willing to be responsible for what in my mind, is not a stretch, what damage her son's scout knife could have brought?

TYSON ON OPRAH

Sat and watched the interview on the tele yesterday. Say what you want about Mike, but you have to credit him for being real and owning what is his. One of the things that I personally find fascinating about Mike, is that you can see his continued growth as he struggles with making a life.

I think that Mike understands that you can forgive but you don't forget. He spoke about Evander Holyfield and while he mentioned the head butts (which IMO, happen when you fight someone who is trying to fight you ... not that it is part of their strategy or anything ...) he did credit Holyfield with being a very good fighter.

Oprah asked him if they ever really made peace regarding the ear biting and Mike said they hadn't. He mentioned how Evander still seemed leery around him. And that made me think of Oprah and some of the comments she has made in the past about Mike, linking his marriage to Robin Givens and domestic violence discussions.

Do I think that Mike had forgotten about that?? I want to say 'no'. In fact, I would not be surprised to see if she pursued the interview. I don't think that Mike has deliberately tried to maintain a profile in the public eye. In fact, the interview confrimed things that I have always suspected about him.

WHY PONDER LIFE'S COMPLEXITIES?

It would be neat if Mike could find a measure of peace with his chaotic life. I don't know how different his life would have been had he not been 'discovered' in the boy's home and given the opportunity for a different kind of existence. For me it has always been about whether he was rescued from one kind of torment only to experience another. Did Cus D'Amato really want to make a full human being or was he out to create a fighter who would represent his legacy?

Mike speaks lovingly of their relationship and always has. With D'Amato in the Catskills, he first experienced a different way of living. That was where he became socialized and had someone invest in him. But it wasn't something that he was willing to do for himself. He responded to the interest, but was the interest for his well being?

Whenever I have thought of the victimization (because I do think he was taken advantage of WAY more than anything he got from anyone else) Mike Tyson, it was when he was discovered at the Tryon Boy's Home that I think it began. I don't think that anyone saw more into him other than a chance to make a name for themselves.

There were gaps in his development that I recall from my 'brushes with greatness'. I do allow for the continued development of his personality had his mentor lived longer. But at the same time, the strain of developing a whole person in the public eye had started to show cracks in the paternal relationship. Who is to say what kind of person he'd have become, had Cus D'Amato lived longer?

That is pretty much it for me ... still trying to get used to being 'here'. There is a lot of Texas between here and Lubbock ... but it is all good and expected to get better!!

ONE DAY LEFT ...

BEING FOR REAL

Ran a couple of errands. Had to ride up to G & R bike shop to get a tool to break my bike down. UPS will be here Wednesday to grab it. That was the main mission, secondary mission was to head up to the Seven-Grand (that is what it will always be for me) Shopping plaza to do some banking.

Now I would feel the first of several emotional tugs on my heart as it hit me that I am finally riding these streets for the last time in my life. Said good bye to the shop owner, as he had did me solid while I have been here. Got on my bike and pressed west by northwest to the shopping center. Decided to go due east on 7 mile road, which would mean ...

48219

With big ol' Telegraph Road on the west and a big empty field, a creek and old Edgewater Park (now a big, fancy collection plate), I always felt that constituted the northwest corner of Detroit. The south side of 7 mile was always the chippier looking side of the street, for no apparent reason. The business would change and whatever. The shopping center on the north side at the corner of Telegraph Road had undergone changes of its own.

But a couple of blocks down, stood some neat little apartments and the 7-Tel Party store. As a kid, I would work there in the evenings after I threw papers. Stocking shelves, sorting empties and various 'hustle man, hustle' duties. It was all good.

Jet King Chinese Take Out was still there ... and there was a flash to go in and see if any of the old timers were still in their business. But I went on and crossed Appleton Street.

THAT was the street that I lived on. There were people who I know are still down there, people I could have said good bye to. Then reality hit. I hadn't said 'hello' since I was in town. Why would I say 'good bye' now?

Confused for a moment, because I do want to make one last run to Astoria, but which one and which way should I go? Had I turned north at Lasher, I would have tracked to the bakery in Royal Oak. And that would have meant a 'pull' may have drew me to Tee Jay's house had I went east on 8 Mile towards Woodward. She lives by the old WDRQ, and though I lived on that exact block that the radio station was located on, what would have been there for me to gain? I know what I would have lost, so I went south on Lasher and came back to my Dad's house, saving Astoria for later this evening. I will ride to the one downtown.

As I headed back to my Dad's house, I thought about what would I make of this experience. Because really, I could NOT go to the bakery and be just as fine. Trying to get a haircut will be a bigger thing! The only person that I do wish I could see, is my daughter. She still hasn't called, returned mail or email. That is something that bothers me more than anything.

I guess I am sharing this, because I have heard and read about how people feel their attachments to people and places, especially when they are bad for them. That is prolly the only reason I left Carolina for Detroit ... I didn't want to believe what I already knew about me and my hometown ... my FAMILY. I felt I may have made myself think that there was negative energy with this place and that my family and I had a misunderstanding that was mainly my fault.

After our Mother passed, the truth stood exposed for all of us to see. The twins talk and are living their lives. Good for them! Jan, who is doing her 'Sleep With Anger' thing wherever she is doing it, I will guess is fine.

Honestly, I don't care about what becomes of any of them anymore. I gave at the office, and that is that with that.

HOW ARE THINGS ON THE WEST COAST?

In the spring of '07, I began to see the fraying of my relationship with Mookie. Once I noticed it, I didn't bother trying to trace it back to it's beginnings. I took action. I had wanted to find out about myself and if I could summon the character necessary to hang in there with her.

That summer was not as cool as I would have liked it to have been. KT did not enjoy herself ... my darling Brother (who IS the only family member who I really got along with) passed and Mookie was whatever Mookie was. That is when I decided to let my experience work for me. I knew what was happening and the signs were clear.

I would pop back out for chats ... the only reason I ever appear 'visible' online has been due to some quirkiness with the AOL. Otherwise, I prefer to surf in my solitude, and there were only a few online names that I would talk with.

Nebraska is one of ... no, she is the ONLY person with whom I'd ever log on and chat with. On various occasions I had popped out to see if she still had AOL during that summer...

Do I feel any pangs of guilt or anything for deciding to 'get set for next year' in the middle of '07? 'Experience, experience. Whatever I could have changed regarding the direction of our relationship, I did. I was a better partner, or as good as a partner as Mookie would let me be. Still did the parenting thing with lil' Mook and got great results. So no, I don't feel like I compromised anything with the actions I took.

One of which was chatting up Nebraska.

When we first chatted up one another back in either '02 or '03, I was actually ready to head out there THEN. Nebraska, Arizona, Nevada, 'back home' to Carolina, seemed to be possible destinations. I had already had intel on where I would have ended up going, and really liked my prospects. Not to mention the 'theme song' I had for this prospective next leg on my journey.

I didn't forget that our initial on line exchanges were pretty much one way traffic. But that has been how most of my relationships have tacked. And that is why when I heard the song 'The Heinrich Maneuver' by Interpol, I thought that would be what would be the 'single' for this particular soundtrack. What someone else hears when they listen to the song, is what they hear. My interpretation was one where despite being willing to 'move heaven behind those eyes', I wasn't ever going to be more than a friend to her. And I wasn't going to press her. Being alone would have been very cool. I could have put more into the things that mattered to me ... finally.

First, my injury isn't a sentence. I think enough of myself to still have expectations that I am going to do two things: 1) Become a teacher and 2) Write a book. Being alone, I could be assured that all available resources and energies would go into making those thing happen.

Second, the place where I was heading to WASN'T like where I'd be coming from. Again, leaving an urban area like Detroit, how rough can anywhere else be? I would have found my comfort level quickly. All I would have hoped for was that Nebraska would point me where I needed to go.

Third, how much have I missed my own space. Boys and girls, you can't imagine ... like many adults who have been out of a relationship for a long time, I like being left to my own devices. Being able to set my own 'rules' and set my own home up was another thing that I couldn't wait to do ... picking up nick knacks at resale shops and going to flea markets ... I would have loved to be free to ride my bike around and find myself at a garage sale looking thru things and taking them home.

Finally, my girls would be sure to have a place to stay. Even if all I got were the summers and the occasional spring break until they were college age and living for themselves, it would have been my ESPN Sportscenter Highlight to have them visit me in the cornfields. Man, you don't know how cool that would have been. But you will soon find out, that it can still happen.

When I made the choice to go to the provincial town to jog 'round, these are similar to the kinds of thoughts that I was having. So I feel that they are part of the 'uncertainties' that challenge a person when making this kind of decision. Had I had this kind of dialogue when I was dating my ex wife ...

Going west ... I have decided to 'keep for another day, yet knowing how way leads on to way ...' None of what I am writing is to say that I am not going to be 'all in' with my lady. On the contrary. By getting this out of me, I will have that extra room to put more of what is yet to come in me.

NEXT: THE BIRTH AND DEATH OF THE DAY

The Kind Of Stuff That Worked For Bob Talbert

What happens to your life after you have, hands down, one of the worst days of your life? See, that is all life can do, is knock you down. It is the getting back up and getting on that is where the challenge lies.


What happens when your heart keeps getting disappointed, will you eventually become the clichéd cynical and bitter woman? As for disappointment, the kind that you speak of, is something that I can't comment on. It is sooo different for a man. Being able to initated and disengage is far more simpler for us than it is for a woman. Wished I knew how you were able to get the symbol for the second 'e' in 'cliched' though.

What happens to someone's soul when they lose whatever bit of personality they once had to become just like someone no one respects or trusts? I haven't ever thought of changing my personality. Not for a second. As many girls I have squired around, I never operated with a core group of friends. I have become comfortable by myself, something that I have been since I was a 5th grader, if not earlier.

This has meant that I have kept the same personality, the same essence that I have always had. Meant fewer parties and movies with a buddy, but I am good.


What happens when you finally decide to stop wondering about what could happen? As far as what happens when you decide to stop wondering ... after Wednesday, I will find the hell out!!


What happens to children who are always over-protected, spoiled, and never encouraged to be independent? I wouldn't know what happens to overprotected children, but I will prolly find out. I have one daughter who is encouraged to do and go wherever the winds of the world will take her. Then I have my oldest daughter who would rather stay in her room and sulk as teens do. Only she has been this way all her young life.

As I said ... I will find out. Oh, my other daughter is of course, between the poles of her older sisters. She gets to do some things, as long as it is within the reach of the chain her mother has on her!

What happens when everything in your life changes?
Life changes ..? If Thursday was the ONLY time I have made such a big life change. I guess the difference is whether or not the change was of choice or one that was forced upon you.

This is one time where I WISH that I didn't have the experience of having a sea change occur in my life. Right now, so close to zero hour and the start of a new BOOK in my life, I am stressed.

But it isn't DISstress. That would be another matter entirely. I will get into character and make what needs to happen, happen.

What happens to a broken heart? It heals. Whether you believe it will or not.


What happens when you settle for the convenient? Had I gone west, that wouldn't have been convenient, either! Had I settled for the convenient, I would be miserable! Sometimes, I think I need to, with all the issues I have. But what is convenient about shooting for the stars? What is worth having that did not demand an element of risk??

What happens to you after you walk away? Life goes on. You live and hopefully you have learned.


What happens when you get everything you ever wanted? Again ... 8 October 09 ... I will find out

IT'S A PARTY STATE!!

WISCONSIN - MINNESOTA

The Gophers have just tied the game back up at 7's. It was pointed out that I didn't mention ND yesterday, or talk about Illinois and their game today against Penn State.

ND, who got away with one against State, will continue to win today against Washington. They will get some cred points with me, as the Huskies must be better than the preseaon magazines said, having beaten USC already. I would not be surprised to see a one loss Notre Dame playing a won loss USC at the end of the season.

The Illini for me have been an enigma. A couple of years ago when they beat the Buckeyes and went to the Rose Bowl, I thought they were going to start making moves.

But I don't know if it is recruiting or coaching. What I do know is that Juice Williams who was so poised and electric as a freshman, hasn't grown much. Penn State won't take them for granted and I think they go into Champagin and get the win.

Gophers have just scored again ... its 10 - 7 Minnesota.

FRIDAY COMES, AND I GOT THURSDAY ON MY MIND!

SELL BY DATE

Could it have been kismet? Next week, I would be flying out west to get things initiated there ...

LAST FRIDAY

I missed out giving you the goods on the Iowa-Penn State football game. Luckily, I watched it with the SFC, so she heard what I am going to share about the game.

Before it started, I told her that I expected the Hawkeyes to win. The coaching styles matched up that way, not the talent. The Nittany Lions were supposed to be better than the Hawkeyes, but since Kirk Frentez has been the coach, they play good football.

The reason I expected the Hawkeyes to win was that factor. Not going to say that Iowa's coach is better than the legendary Joe Paterno, but he does an excellent job at getting his team ready to play football.

If no one knew it, I am going to say it ... I like Tate Forcier. Not only does he have a cool name, he is a good football player. He exudes leadership and it comes out when it is clutch. Right now, he still plays with the reckless nature of a freshman, but I expect that will evolve as he evolves.

Hutch, Alaina, I still think Michigan is the darkhorse pick for college football this year. Beat State, and I think the Wolverines won't lose until maybe Wisconsin. Realistically, I think they can get the Buckeyes in Ann Arbor. They do have a rough schedule, but it is manageable. There is something about this squad, as weak as it is on paper, that says they can do it. If Mississippi State was in the top 5 for a cup of coffee, why not Michigan making it that high?

MUST SEE TV

Don't know how much of it is habit (well, actually I do ... it is A LOT OF IT!!), but I also think that this season there is going to be a lot of quality television on. I mean, both, 'The Office' and 'Community' were very good. And there are a bunch of other shows that I am interested in, but since they come on at the same time, I have to 'pick my quaalude, man!'

On 'The Office', I think Jim got a whole lot of respect for Michael and the job that he does. Many of us have experienced that, where you give someone else your shoes and then they have to walk in them. Jim learned that there is a method to Michael's madness. Having to deal with how divvy up the raises had was an experience that Jim wasn't prepared to deal with.

'Community' was very well done, and layered as well. From the high school jock and his sneezing, to the smarmy lead played by Joel McHale trying to fake his way through a course that is supposed to be a 'gimme' grade (of course, it is going to be more than that, the interactions that took place in the class), and the object of his affections getting overinvolved with a class mates life, were involving and interesting.

There was alot more, but one of the biggest surprises for me is that Chevy Chase is watchable on the show. He can lay an egg if you aren't careful with him!

Other than tying up loose ends, I don't have a whole lot to say about me. I thought more would come out when I begun this entry, but it hasn't. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!!

READERS ALWAYS WRITE!!

MUSIC STILL ON MY MIND!

No, yesterday's song wasn't supposed to make sense. Prolly should have subtitled it 'sensory overload', because that is what it did for me!! The look of the video was soo slick. The colors and the dancers, along with the cool, cool, hep cat walking around to a song with a good beat to dance to (as if I could dance!!), which is all you ask of a club song.


For instance, while the women in the video certainly rated high on the hormone gauge, I was sitting here wishing that I had the vision to orchestrate movements like that. That was something I always thought about doing, learning how to dance. My roomie in Greensboro used to say that I liked 'booty songs', with 'booty' being a euphemism for 'bad' (not 'bad' meaning good, but 'bad' meaning BAD!).

Like I would listen to the duo of 'Eerk & Jerk' and be smiling and laughing all the way from A&T!! He could not STAND that kind of stuff, that Miami bass sound that help spawn the Two Live Crew and Luke Skywalker. It would contrast to other bands that I liked that did rap, Tribe Called Quest, Redman ('Watch Yo' Nuggets' being a particular fave) and he'd really get me into KRS-One.

What can I say ... I like what I like!


Well, this entry's song is meant to go with the post I am about to make. Later this afternoon I will be making another run to the post office and shipping more junk out. There is a lot of feelings that are running through me, and these are just some of them.

FOOLING YOURSELF

A new reader to my journal, Beth left this comment recently. Since it is part of the 'noises in my head', I figured that would be part of what I talk with y'all about today. In regards to the 'being alone' part of my outlook, she said: "not having to worry about something that directly involved me"....wow. wow. I think we all feel like that at times, but I don't think Man should be alone. Its much much better to ahve osmeone by your side..and having thembe your friend, and a BEST friend at that?...thats the icing on the cake, my friend."

So, should man be alone? That is a question that I have asked myself thoughout my Dan Marino-like career at love, is it natural for man to be alone or not? Not wanting to go spelunking the depths of that question, let me say that I think that I COULD BE the cat who chills alone for however ticks are left on his clock.

For real.

SHOULD HAVE DONE BETTER IN HIGH SCHOOL

Listening to this song, for many of us, those days weren't as good OR as bad as we may have made them out to be. I began to realize this myself in the Army, where me, the SFC and Jenny were all stationed. My whining about being the with all the other 'geeks' (the irony was my high school was a school full of them! that I could find the few who were still playing Dungeons & Dragons still amazes me ... should have been more of 'em!!) would soon be erased, cause me and Jenny started up. The SFC was already doing her thing, but we were always close. What has happened now, is that we see how 'close' we really are.

Still, that was when I decided to be a random cat, appearing to 'happen', but I always felt a part of something larger than myself. Or so the story went. For a little bit of time, there was a little bit of bad story writing going on. Because I call myself 'lucky' when the word I want to use is 'blessed', I feel that 'guardian angels' as Tee Jay called them, were all around me.

I never had to fire a weapon to defend myself, but several times in my life, I have missed situations where it would have been nice to have returned fire or had one on me just in case. There has been some crap stuff in my childhood that always happened to other children, and not me. But the one thing that DID happen to me, is that didn't fit in socially.

There is a reason that comes up in my entries ... and it leads to why going out west wasn't wholly dependant on a relationship but on me getting things together.

That self-alienated (so it seems in hindsight, which of course is perfect!) kid that is in me, feels that the highs of being in the company of others does NOT out measure the lows that come from the fail of the relationship OR the lulls. My last relationsip PROVED that.

The 53/47 split that it is now, being with someone vs. being alone is better than the two percent difference it was in the early spring of this year. And that spread is pretty wide considering it gave George H.W. Bush a 40 - 10 state victory over Michael Dukakis in '88.

THE FEELING OF UNEASINESS

My uncle Carl said about our doubts: "We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning." And some of the comments I have received have been examples of that. This is a huge move, something that is as big as the reckless choice to marry my now ex-wife.

One of the reasons I am able to implement the highlighted words in my life, is two fold. 1) I have it here in my 'Rules To Live By'. If you don't live by the rules that you have established for yourself, you are only cheating you. I can only hope that I did learn from my experience and have made the preparations that I needed to make.

2)The relief that I get from telling myself to throw in the towel is temporary ... like the fix from a Butter finger (what, did you think I was going to REALLY say heroin? Remember what AKA said in her Facebook burn about me an needles ..!), it is going to fade and I am going to be left with a hunger that is fueled by something yearning for something substantial.

So I am getting stuff and just sticking it in boxes and taping up stuff in all kinds of containers. It would be nice to have been more cost effiecent and been able to get together what I need and want, but there will be another time for that (because she doesn't want to settle in Va ... don't know where we will go from there, only know it will be together!).

Maybe I will resume the 'readers always write' entries, because one of the things this journal is about it the soliciting of good, sound advice. I would do it so that folks could see the impact their words and friendship had on me. We like to say things like, 'it takes a village', but do we really mean it? I know that I do, and I believe more than a few of y'all do as well!!