I H8T PACKING

FIRST, THE BIGGEST LOSER

I have watched every season since that show has been on. That and 'The Amazing Race' are the two reality shows that I pay attention to. Last night, some girl who is 'gaming' on the show, i.e., looking out for her self has been ostracized by the others. I for one, hope she wins.

The lady (sorry for the feminists out there, but 'girl' 'woman' and 'lady' are interchangeable in my head) Tracy took some dare that gave her a 2 lbs. advantage at the weigh in. It was a calculated risk. She said she did it so that the competition didn't go on and someone got a larger advantage. I understood that. She is 'playing the game'. And it was the reaction of the other contestants and the two trainers, Bob and Jillian, that gives socialism a bad name.

At the end of the show, isn't there a big money prize at the end of the season? I mean, lose weight, become healthier, blah, blah, blah ... but who is going to be the one at the end with all the money? Why can't it be me?

Unlike 'Survivor', there is this 'all for one' mentality on this show that defies the natural competitive edge. As it was, two guys who fell below the dreaded yellow line with two other girls, one of them who is the 'show mascot' for this season, Shay, fell on their swords so that she can remain on the show.

The guys talked among themselves and came to the conclusion that they could manage to lose weight at home, but Shay was coming from a background that did not enable her to be more nutritious and health conscious. She 'needed' to stay on the weight loss campus. Whatever.

Now don't misunderstand. From a strictly competitive point of view, why would anyone care about her hard luck story? If anything, my heart would bleed for the lady whose FAMILY, hubby, son and daughter, were killed in an auto accident before it would bleed for Shay.

Eliminating competition. Then going on and being the best that you can be. That is what Tracey is guilty of. I hope she is doing the 'deer in the headlights' thing to throw everyone off, that she is not only there to get healthy but to win the money. Myself, I don't have a problem with that. As long as she is careful ... and can keep doing what she is doing, she will be fine. Make all the other vanilla wafer soft tubbies keep HER pace. She still lost 11 lbs. for the week. No one talked about that. I would be like, "Fine, don't cheer my weight loss. Excuse me while I don't look in the rear view." She is playing the game and so far she has been dead on.

Nothing is wrong with that. But she reminds me of Glen Beck in the sense that she uses up her 'pity card' by acting like she is confused and scared, which is one of the reasons she gave for her initial game play. Now, what do I mean by 'like Glen Beck?'

AND THIS STUFF DOESN'T HELP THE DEBATE

Unlike cats like Bill O'Reilly or even Rush Limbaugh, if Glen Beck is nothing, he is a hate mongering coward. I haven't heard any of his followers mention how much money he makes for his demagoguery. The reason I can't stand him is that he sells fear, prejudice, and relies on the stupidity of people to make a profit.

Is that cool or not? The same rationale I used for letting rap and that 'urban culture' thing slide when I was in Carolina is why I don't care for cats like Beck and Sean Hannity. They view the world through an alternate reality and they both give off the smell of overcompensation. Now that they have figured a way to get 'paid' by being the jerks that they were destined to become, they continue on like the pied pipers of dumb that they are.

Anywho ... I think I am going to stop with the media for a bit. Clogging up my epiglottis and such! Y'all be cool!!

GOIN' HOME

DON'T BLINK

"It could happen, so you had better watch."

While I don't have the trademark on that line, it fits how stuff happens in my life. Sorry about it, for those who blind faith and ignorance doesn't work for, but they have always worked for me. I am not cynical, THE WORLD is. If you can think of something and willing to put in the work to make it happen, then there you go. Some cat said something to the effect of "the man who says 'you can't' should get out of the way of the man who can".

By acknowledging my flaws, I hoped to learn from my mistakes. That is why I wanted and sort of hoped for 'a hater' to read me. Not for the give and take that would take place ... 'hit and run' commenting would NOT bother me. But I do think that having someone to bring a little rain with them to the picnic would have made me get even sharper.

'Repetition saves lives' and it saves dreams. I may not have 'known know' that someone was out there thinking of me, I did know that I was on someone elses radar. I had to keep doing what I needed to do.

IN SPITE OF OURSELVES

I have to do it here, because I won't make much out of it when we get together. On the rarest of occasions, I wonder what would have happened if ... when it comes to me and the SFC. We have even more in common than the things that made us such good friends as kids ... and it is easy for us to understand why we didn't connect during the interim. For those reasons and with one of the most common names ever in the mix, it would have taken something extraordinary for us to have ever run into each other. And what do you know, riding in on the outside, the darkhorse Extraordinary came flying across the wire!



Miss A posted this video (she would be 'my girl' if we were local!) and I think it is what I am looking forward to in Virginia. You have to get to the 90 second mark before the song begins.

I don't think I live in clouds but I don't live in denial. For instance, packing has giving me the flux. On Sunday, I couldn't move ... the feeling that I had was that this is what folks who are depressed and feel sorry for themselves feel. But I am not depressed, am I? Fake it until you make it, that is something that lives and breathes along with me!

Because in spite of myself, I will get 'er done! And I am going to be with a person who didn't blink when we caught up, and couldn't wait to to tell me that they loved me. Incroyable!!

Whenever I have imagined the best kind of relationship, I keep thinking that the principles tend to have a magnetism to one another, brought about by a sincere and genuine interest in the other person. We have that. And I feel that since we were ALREADY each other's best friend, that we can safely say that our partner is our best friend.

We will be together 'in spite of ourselves'. Man, that is so cool!

BUT IT STILL IS THERE

That nagging, 'go it alone' feeling. Have to admit that I was looking forward to that. Reality is reality, and not having to worry about anything that didn't deal directly to me, was something I was excited about as well.

If there was no 'cherry' on top of the sundae, would it taste any different? How much would it have 'brought to the party'? Not to diminish my hopes for me & Nebraska, but I was looking forward to going back to my apartment or whatever, closing my door and CHILLIN'.

No weekends of sitting around in my pajamas all day, going out only to get the paper, a McDonald's breakie, a soda along with a couple of Butterfinges. Fire up the radio and listen to 'Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me' and look online for stuff that interests me.

Being able to finally live for me ... anywho, 'freedom through submission' is some more internal sloganeering I have done. I do believe it to be true.

THERE IS FREEDOM WITH OUT

WOKE UP WITH A DREAM IN MY HEART

I have my 'orders' and my last day in Detroit will be 7 October, wake up and go on the 8th. Took some stuff to the post office yesterday and will be packing up and throwing out stuff as I go. It has been difficult for me, not for the emotional attachment of my hometown. There isn't any of that to hold me here, anyway. That has been so for a quarter of a century. The only reason I had any, is that I thought I was supposed to, you know what I am saying?

Most people have a connection to the place where they are from, one that makes it difficult to leave it. That is something that I don't think I ever had with my hometown. Whenever I think about the late 70's - early 80's when the 'Errol Flynn's' and the 'Sconi Oni's' evolved into the nortorious Young Boys Incorporated, and all the Mayor could do was race bait and loot the city, I was losing whatever link that a person has to the place they were born and raised.

Because I didn't suffer from anything more than the occasional beating from my Mom, I was not leaving an abusive environment. The area of town I grew up was and still is a nice working class neighborhood. The little four block corner of northwest Detroit felt removed from the grueling images of Detroit that were depicited by lazy Time Magazine photographers (that would take me off the track, but they did a 'seagull photo shoot' in the most recent article about Detroit). There were other factors that contributed to my desire to leave here.

I kept coming back. Now, if my darling brother had ever came with me I don't think I would have. I wanted to take him when I left for Carolina with me. Though there was some selfishness in coming home when boxing started to go off course (I mean, I did think I had something left and would be able to find something usable in the gym's here ... that wasn't that big of a stretch), I did think that I had a 'family' to come home to be with.

That is something I blame myself for. I wanted to believe in a delusion. We weren't close as we'd liked to imagine ourselves as. Even with that, there wasn't much of anything particularly tragic about my family experience, perhaps it is difficult to understand why I feel the way that I do towards them and Detroit in general. It has little to do with anything other than the way that I am. I don't think I was supposed to live and die here, period. The little crap that has happened to me, were meant to keep me uncomfortable.

ANYWHERE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER

Or so I would like to believe. Even now the situation I am in, the relationships with people in my life, are rather unexceptional. My motivation to go somewhere else isn't because of any of the external factors that make most people want to leave. It is the internal factor, the one that has had me envision myself being somewhere else that drives me.

That's all. I was meant to be born here but not meant to live here. The thing about the Time pictures, of the PACKARD Auto plant, is that those were dead areas back in the 50's. It would be more of an effort find signs of that kind of decay in Detroit. Honestly, of all the big cities I have been to, Detroit still looks and fares well in comparison. You can navigate the town easily and there are plenty of nice, straight streets to get you from place to place. Outside of the dreaded road construction season, the highways are plenty accessible. I think that Detroit has plenty of room for growth. I have just wanted to find what it is I am meant to find, no doubt.

Going west would have been a exciting challenge. I feel that I could take care of myself, if not thrive and grow. Like Eric B., I am 'never scared on the cut', and saw my bliss on my own. But today as I read Miss A's journal, I saw this video and it brought tears to my eyes.



The song "Don't Dream It's Over" took me back to a cramped office on Camp Henry in Taegu, R.O.K. I was a PFC when I met my girl. Who knew then what we know now, that we'd end up being together?



This is a 'Top Ten' song. I only ever feel certain feelings when I hear this song. In my mind, this is a song I had seen myself dancing ( ?!? ) with looking into the eyes of that someone who IS that someone.



Now I'm walking again to the beat of the drum

And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief



Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over

Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in

They come they come, build a wall between us

We know they won't win



It has been said that it isn't about getting knocked down but getting back up. It has been the process of 'walking again' that many people get lost in. They don't want to back into making that kind of effort again. It is easy to wallow around in past hurts ... in fact, I know that I have been guilty of that myself. I don't know if there would be much for me to write about if I wasn't doing some of that myself.



Despite those lapses, I think of myself as someone gets up and gets into going after whatever it is that I have set my sights on. This time, I did also want someone to let me know that they knew I was 'counting the steps to the door of their heart'. A part of the whiny side of me had become tired of the artificial walls being built between me and potential women. If what they wanted was the image that has been commercialized for their partner, what can I tell them? I mean, saying "that's not me", is going to lead to the "why" question. And before you know it, I am bored by it all. I didn't want to have to fight through any of that.



That was the appeal of all of this. If I talked up someone who knew of me, then they would 'expect the unexpected'. They would also be receptive to doing thing out of their comfort zone and maybe finally being appreciated in a deeper way.



My SFC and I both look forward to being with each other. We already know that we compliment one another. And that means that we get to hold hands and go forward from day one.

FOLLOW FOR NOW ...

POWER OF THE PEOPLE SAY ..!




When Public Enemy broke thru, this was the kind of rap that scared parents, mainly and lets face it, white parents. Though this is a remix, the lyrics had so much content in them about real social issues, that the fear that the underclass would rise up, frightened the middle classes in their 'safe and stable homes'.

Groups like PE, and Grandmaster Flash, made activism a part of their agenda. They really did give a voice to people who weren't heard. And they took their cues from artists like The Last Poets and Gil Scot Heron, who put change and respect for brothers in their music.


That was another thing that I thought rap music brought initially. The 'black power' of the late 60's and early 70's gave black men something to stand up for. And while party rap was the norm and would eventually obscure all other sub genres, I still long for the real hip hop of KRS One and the Ultramagnetic MC's.


Cats like 50 Cent and Jay Z bore me. In fact, rap isn't even seperate anymore from the same confection that is 'crap pop'. I mean, how different is Rocafella Records from the pablum that Disney creates? Demi Lovato?? Really???


And the difference in what a band like PE projected from what you get out of phony rappers now ...


... do you ever wonder about what we are being exposed to? How the messages change and warp as they evolve? Does anyone ever wonder ...


...why?


COULD IT BE ... A CONSPIRACY?


Dan Brown has made a good living at fictionalizing ideas that have been around and there waiting for the right person to put it to good use ... which is to make money ?!? I wonder how much of that stuff he believes and thinks for real, you know what I am saying?


I have never read any biographies on George Orwell. Perhaps I should. I want to understand what made him write the books that he did, both 'Animal Farm' and '1984'. So much of what he wrote in the latter has come to pass, and not figuratively either.


The way that people in power talk, in the jargon which uncomfortably is made to fit in explanations, the names of bills and organizations that do the opposite of what they are called, and the hypocrisy of why things are supposed to be good for us.


When the furor broke out over the Presidential address, I mentioned that I thought it was a diversionary tactic. It was about the health care issue, and it was about race and disrespect. But I also think it was about something else, and because there was so much stirred up, it was obscured.


WHAT was it? I know that I wonder what it was/is.


THE GOAL OF THE PARTY


The motivation of the Inner Party is not to achieve a future paradise but to retain power, which has become an end in itself.


I am distrustful of the distrust between political parties. I am distrustful of the altruism of those who have power.


There are plenty of charts and papers that puts the concentration of wealth with a range of 1-3% of the countries population having half of the wealth in this country... and I can't imagine it being any better anywhere else in the world.


So who are the ones really worried about things being 'fair and equitable'? Who does it really affect? Instead of 'trickle down' (which it didn't, and would never do, given the character of men), things like better schools, improved health care and improvements civic services and infrastructure, would eventually trickle up.


It doesn't make sense to me.

"Threats of all sorts depend on exploiting another person's rationality. We can thus neutralize threats by making ourselves irrational. Since we have good reason to want to neutralize threats, it can be rational to make ourselves irrational!"


How is it that people can act so crazy when helping them also involves helping others? Why do they follow people who either don't have a grasp of the subject they are talking about (Joe the Plumber) or have possible conflicts of interest in as they are promoting a position (VP Cheney & Halliburton w/rush to war) they they will benefit from ..?


I think that decisions are being made in the upper strata of the world's society that effects how everyone else lives. When your really follow the money, try to see who benefits the most from things, many times I believe you will find 'the people' against an 'entity'. An industry. A collective of conceptual non-beings.

One of the reasons that I got out of the conspiracy business and I compare it to Alice in Wonderland, is that it never ends. Like I think that some of the 'slavery guilt' that comes from the Presidency of Barack Obama can add to encroaching power of the executive branch of government.


Looking at some of the 'benevolent dictatorships' like the one in Russia or the one in Venezuela, I am not sure if that is the kind of America that I want to leave behind me when my run is over. But it is happening. It isn't that you can't say bad things about the President, but after a eight year run where disagreement with the executive branch meant you didn't love America, I think that now it is even more personal.


LOOK, THIS STUFF MAY SEEM TO BE A STRETCH


But it isn't. The concentration of wealth and power in so few hands makes it more plausible that there is a 'natural collusion' that occurs. Whatever class or group of people you rise or sink to, you will begin to see the world through that prism. Which is why there is so much misunderstanding between people who are seperated by seemingly superficial factors.


And why those with percieved advantages, share them only amongst themselves. Because it isn't only poverty that is self perpetuating. 'Cultural Elitie' ... what there is, is a POWER elite.

Michael Moore was on Larry King and I think he did a better job than I did. Along with the charlatism of leadership that I think is occurring, people are going to be working to pay for less services and become more and more desperate...

PERSONAL ISSUES

As for me and my comings and goings ... I am good. Boxing up stuff and me and my SFC are chatting about what we will be building together. Maybe I will talk about that more and more, as I am getting 'short'.

The plan is to find an inexpensive flight and get out there early in October. Right when I was supposed to go west ... irony? Or coincidence?

Need to take my bike to the shop to get it boxed up and shipped ... will do that next week. Time to go enjoy the day!!

MONDAY COMES AND I'VE GOT FRIDAY ON MY MIND

LAST FRIDAY, IN FACT!

Bill Cosby and Michelle Benard of MSNBC made an appearance on the Today show. Michelle hosted a program shown Sunday night on her network 'About Our Children'. I watched it and it was very uneven and quite disappointing. That is for a future conversation. For now, their appearance on Today is what I want to reflect upon for now.


I don't care for Bill Cosby. I don't like his stance on issues in the black community. He is heavy handed and very much crudgemugeon-like. Since he was on the show to discuss education, health and family, and it promised to have a panel of experts to discussion the topics, I figured I would give it a shot.


Listening to Bill as he talked, he displayed all of the qualities that makes me think he is full of himself, despite his intentions. He talked about Michelle in an objectifying way, talking about how tall and beautiful she was. I then started to check her out, and she is a full, tall and beautiful woman.


As Cosby babbled on, with his 'shaggy dog' stories that were meant to be funny, but only took away from both his partner and the topic, it occured to me as I watched, that something was happening. From watching people talk about a subject that I have great interest in, I was also coping with the abrasive character of a person who took as much attention for himself as he shed light on a very serious subject. I was thinking about how he demeaned his co-host, showed how loutish he could be, and it all had me wondering what he would be able to add to the discussion (and he was pitable ... I wanted my time back and so did the SFC, who 'watched' it with me). While I thought that the major topics they set out to discuss were important, I had my doubts that any program that Bill Cosby were going to be a part of, would be slanted to reflect his perspective on 'what WE need'.


That is part of his problem. His perspective very heavy handed. As it applies to the Black community, he talks ABOUT people and not TO them. He spends too much energy blaming without offering solutions. Yeah, I would watch the show because Michelle Benard, who he had chauvinstically described IS very attractive and ...


WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT?


If no one knew it before, I guess I will tell it. I have suffered brain injury as a consequence of my boxing career, which began when I was 11 years old and did not end until I was 37 years old. What this has meant is that my brain has 'black spots' where there will never be any activity and on top of that, it has shrunk.


Que sera. The phrase 'cognitive dissonance' became a part of my personal lexicon a long time ago, but because I knew when I got my diagnosis, that it would play a HUGE factor in my 'new normal'. That is why I talk about 'the environment' the way that I do. I know how much of a role that is going to play in my mental and physical health. My thing is, what the hell is everyone ELSE'S problem?


I mean, I have my real reason ... but what about everyone else in the world?

But I have often wondered if there was a design, a purpose behind why people were the way that they are. There seems to be clear solutions to some problems, but there are such difference in how we achieve them. And at the same time we argue over what to do, the situation changes and metamorphs into something entirely different. What ever solution that we arrive at, is outdated as soon as it is enacted.

WHAT REALLY STARTED THIS

When Rep. Wilson, who make no mistake, has MAJOR issues in dealing with race and sensitivities in that area, yelled out at the joint session, an alarm went off in my head. I mean, the bigger topic about health care, kinda receeded into the background. I know that the President took a tour of the Sunday shows, but the drama over the outburst took attention from whatever else was REALLY going on.

And I mean 'whatever it is that we are not looking at'. There is so much going on in each one of our lives, that it is easy for details, IMPORTANT details to slide by.

Who really benefits from keeping the status quo? And how can it be justified that health care isn't provided for everyone, when there are examples of it being done all over the world? The important part of this, is who really benefits from things THE MOST.

Like war.

ACTUALLY, I AM GOOD

Haven't been reading as much as I usual ... environmental factors as well as preparation for getting my 'orders' cut for my next duty station has had me busy!

But that outburst in the President's address got me thinking. I don't think that race is the major problem, but the 'noise' that it created. I don't think that Rep. Wilson's disrespect for the office holder is unimportant. It isn't. But when I put it up against the health care issue, it isn't that he is a 'son of Dixie' and thought Strom Thurmond was 'right' (he even denied that Thurmond had a black love child, even AFTER it was admitted and PROVEN by the Thurmond family!!) as much as it took away from what is really important.

And who would benefit the most from things remaining the way they are? That is what I want to know, who benefits the most from things?

Like war.

IT'S THE WEEKEND

HOSPITALITY CORNER

As I am not long for this town, I decided to go Downtown and jog 'round for a bit. I first stopped at 'Good Girls Go To Paris', the creperie off Woodward on a piece of John R. I was hoping to see if not the owner, her #2 girl Wednesday to say good by. There was a new young woman, in her late 20's I guess at the window. That cheered me because if the owner is able to hire more staff, then revenues must be growing.

She asked me what kind of crepe would I like. I looked at the menu and ordered a crepe filled with nutella and banana slices. "I'd like a 'Good Girl' ," then added slyly, "but not really!" She laughed.

I mentioned that I had hoped to see the other girls, not that she wasn't nice enough, but to say good bye. I made it down there the 2nd day that the place was opened last year. That she has been able to cut out a spot in such an out of the way spot is quite admirable.

The lady asked me where I was going, and I gave her 'the full Monty' about me and the SFC. It really is such an 'Aww' story. She gave me my crepe and I rode off.

Because I was feeling a little ireie, instead of going 'this way' to the Astoria Bakery, I decided to go 'that way', and was turned around. I found myself behind the hotel that I spent two minutes in the employ of. As I crossed the street, a couple in the cross walk, slightly older in their 50's were talking about finding a place to eat. In my theory of travel, non-touristy towns are not places you just 'walk out' to find a spot to eat. Orlando, yes. Baltimore, no. There is a reason in one you will fing Mickey Mouse and the other you would find why there was no set constructed for shows like 'Homicide: Life on the Street' and 'The Wire'.

Detroit is one of those towns you don't 'wander'. You get directions from the desk clerk and you follow them implicitly. That is just me. Hearing them debate where to go, I got off my bike and asked if they were looking for somewhere to eat. They said yes, and since the places that I knew were on my direct route, I decided instead of pointing and directing, that I would walk with them to a place to find somewhere to eat.

The ten-minute walk was light, conversation about dining options and my truest opinions of the spots. There was some boxing conversation, about Tommy and lil' Floyd (and I will talk about him soon enough!). Ended up parting at the Astoria as the couple went across the street to the Greektown Casino to get at the buffet and more than likely try some slots.

IN THE BAKERY

It was just before the dinner rush when I locked up my Trixie, to a tree in front of the bakery. There was a group of folks in front of one of the cats who do caricatures on the spot. There were a couple of sisters in the group who caught my eye, but trust me, it is SO not what you think!!

The bakery emptied out after I got my danish and coffee, to sit down with my crepe. I got up and caught the young man's attention that had waited on me. "See that?" I said point at the ladies in front of the storefront window as they dickered with the artist. "Why hasn't that stereotype gone away? I mean Brent Barry won the dunk contest, so we know 'white men can jump', but not all sisters have curves like Beyonce and Lisa Raye!!

The two women with their backs to us and continued with my riff. "Not every black woman have 'back'. Case in point ..." I pointed out of the window. The two women so 'not' endowed with even a hint of a curve. The workers at the counter laughed, including a black lady who worked at Astoria. It prolly would make you giggle too if you were there ...

FIGHT NIGHT

...but make no mistake. State is going to beat ND. I don't think the players want to play for Coach Weis. But this is about a big fight tonight, Floyd Mayweather Jr's return after a nearly two year 'retirement'. The cat he is fighting, Juan Manuel Marquez, is a very good fighter. Prior to the weigh-in yesterday, I thought that Floyd would win a clear but competitive decision. But when I heard that he came in two pounds over the catchweight of 144, I was like, 'oh, that sounds like trouble'.

Teddy Atlas who does commentary on 'Friday Night Fights' on ESPN 2, voiced the reasons why the weight signified trouble. It wasn't only that Floyd Mayweather chose to pay $600,000 dollars for a penalty, but from what weight did he come down from? Because getting 'fight ready' is a lot like a hair cut. If you get a regular trim, it doesn't take a lot out of the beautician or barber. But if you were Teddy Kaczynski it is going to take a lot more work.

Was lil' Floyd so out of rounds that it took all he could do to get down to 146? Why was he so out of shape?

My theory is that he actually did want to stay retired. He has been boxing for nearly all his life. Loving it or not, it is a hard hustle and he would not be remiss for wanting to stay out of boxing. But he is back, and like many ex-champs, he may have had money reasons for coming back against such a tough opponent. If he was coming back to 'box', to restart his career, maybe he doesn't come back against someone so tough for his first fight. But he may need money and they aren't going to pay him to fight some tomato can the same $9 million they are paying him tonight.

Not only is it possible that he was far out of rounds and the strain to get to 146 took more out of him than he thought it would, it also is a sign that there may have been some chaos in training. It was plain that there was some in his life. But as Teddy pointed out, EVERYONE have things happening to them and prior to this fight, Floyd had seemingly been able to keep the 'chocolate' out of his 'peanut butter'.

Could it be that all the distraction's have caught up with 'Money Mayweather', as he is called in the AT&T internet commercials? We will wake up with that answer. I have down graded my fight prediction from 'I think' to 'I expect'. What ever I think is usually what I know. If I expect something to happen, I won't be surprised that despite 'expecting' it to occur, it doesn't.

If Floyd loses, I won't catch me off guard.

This is a interruption of my current 'thought sequence. But it is related to it in many ways at the same time ...

WHY IS NO ONE MINDING THE STORE?

AND WHY DO WE LET THE FOX GUARD THE HENHOUSE

Tangent alert!! A lot of stuff that is on my mind isn't going to connect obviously to the untrained eye. It doesn't easily in the vision of the viewer, and I apologize for it, only because I am putting my thoughts out here to be read. But I do think this is going to lead into a less confusing finish. It better.

There have been a couple of incidents that is feeding into what I think is affecting the larger conscious of many people. It is why one side argues the other side with the conviction that the other side is completely wrong.

But first, brief synopsis of why I let toxic f*cks go, and be done with their crap.

A few weeks ago, some lady blew up her ex husband's car in front of his new what's happenin' house. The operative term is EX. He was out of the marriage and I am left to speculate what went on in the marriage. But if this doesn't sound like some stuff Dave Barry would include in his '... and I am not making this up' segements in his column, it is only because his humour is more absurdist and not as voyeuristic as my comments here.

But I am not making this up. The lady, Doris Cabean-Giles used commercial grade fireworks to blow up her former hubby's SUV. But she wasn't able to get away without being hit with shrapnel. She walked around for TWO WEEKS with metal and glass in her body before going to get medical attention. That brought her to police attention and she was taken into custody from there.

ESCALTION OF STUPID, DEALDY PEOPLE IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

Not too far from me, about three miles or so, some cat firebombed his ex-girlfriends house. A ten month and two year old needed hospital care and are still in serious condition.

“He don’t care about nobody,” Jasmine Thomas said. “His name is Brandon Jones. And If I catch him, the police better get him before we find him, because then we’re all going to jail. Somebody better find him.”

That is a quote from the sister (?) who was at the house. Her girls, ages 2 and 4 were also in the house but got out unscathed. The the babies of her sister were the only ones who needed medical attention. Mom was taking her Mother to work at the time of the incident.

Apparently Brandon wanted to spend the night with the mother of the two injured girls. She said 'no' and went on to take Grammy to work.

"You tried, you came and you didn't succeed. I tried, I came and I did. So let me tell you something. Get your guns together and come over and shoot it out or you get killed," the phone message said.

WTF!!! This is a text that Brandon sent to the Mom, and I am guessing they had 'something'. The implication is that the MOTHER did something to crazy Brandon (and he LOOKS like his nick name should be 15 to life!) that started this, and he retaliated. They haven't caught his lame butt yet, but they have rounded up his stupid crew and I am sure that they will rat him out to get less time on their docket.

Other than the obvious victims, I am mad at BOTH camps of butt munches. The sister in her not so veiled oratory, is going to call in her stupid favours to get some 'idiot justice'. And after the Thomases did what ever they had done to Brandon, he should have left them well enough alone. Stupid. Stupid.

AND ONE MORE FOR THE ROAD

Some guy killed a KITTEN, after he broke into someone else's house. WTF, part 2!!

What got me is the brief interview they had with his Grammy, outside of her crap house. She was all emotional and in tears. And yes, I get it. It is her grandson and blah, blah, blah. Get this muckin' sociopath off the streets. You want to cry about subpar schools? Single parenting?? Bad neighborhood and too much street influences??

At an age he should have been going to Government and Pre-Algebra classes, he was doing nickel and dime juvey crimes. And I wonder if he was a 'Mitch', a junior high 'barbarian' that picked on kids like me and disrupted the learning process, giving people like Hutch, Delta Girl, and Miss Alaineus a hard freakin' time. Screw him, his Mom and his Granny too. The deliberatness of his act, (he had to UNLOAD the washer to load the kitten, knowing that removing the clothes would rob the poor kitty of any chance of surving its ordeal) makes it obvious that he didn't get that way the day before he did what he did. Mom and Grammy knew he was going bad ... but I will prolly touch on this as I continue this thought pattern in my next few entries.

HIGH SCHOOL FLASHBACK

The television show 'Glee' had a story thread that called my darling brother to mind, and why in a session of my own personal 'Senate', I have voted to enact a policy based on an Imperial Decision I have made.

The relationship between Kevin and Mercedes on this week's episode was one that hit home. Part of me remebered how the 'negative' of what the round, overweight, outcast girl picture that she brought to life. She conceeded what many women do, that this is it, and she could do a lot worse than Kevin. They got along and they shared a lot of the activities that she found enjoyment in. I think I heard the character say that she could do a lot worse. I enjoyed how she explained it to the other girls in the club.

But of course, Kevin doesn't swing that way. I remembered some of the slights that I had to get over when I was 'Mercedes'. I would like to see if they develop her character enough to show what it is like when you experience fail in a relationship like that. Unwanted by the other people on the same rung of the ladder, and you are on the lowest of all of the rungs, no doubt.

As they say, when you get knocked down you have to get back up. But what are you going to do once you get to your feet? That is why I hope they go into that character and relationship more. My darling brother had a couple of proposals on the table from WOMEN. And like Mercedes, I had that kind of thing happen to me REPEATEDLY until I figured out how to run an offense to fit my personnel! I want to see what she has to go thru, because it isn't easy of a thing to do.

Sticking with my football device, whenever a team makes a turnaround, they talk about things like 'creating a culture of success' and stuff like that, when a team rebuilds and become a playoff team. I know that I use the Pittsburgh Steelers as a professional sports example of 'conceptual continuity' that has lead to great success. The changes over time has been subtle, but they are there. Yet when you think of the Steelers, they 'look' the same. You want to superimpose Terry Bradshaw and Jack Lambert over Ben Rothlisberger and Troy Poluamu, but other than being the respective leaders for offense and defense, the similarity ends. They are totally different... save they have won big.

There have been lulls and valleys. There were the aimlessness of the years right after the retirement of Coach Chuck Noll. And there was a bunch of respectable but so what seasons. What didn't seem to change was the belief, the attitude that the way they were running the franchise was the way that they should run the franchise.

When I think how I used to see myself as the cat in the song 'How Soon Is Now?', what I get from that now is how I insisted in seeing myself as a victim. Trying to imagine me as a 'relationship victim', somone on the outside and beneath someone elses notice NOW is unimaginable. But like the Rooney owned Steelers, I made a decision to do something to reach a goal, and kept with it.

I remember being nervy and a little awed as a freshman. Sophomore year I was all drenched in the mopes, but I did get a few phone numbers. I stumbled into my first two girlfriends and Jenny as a junior and senior year, I had something like 'game'.

As an adult, I would imagine someone else being able to accelerate through the learning curve and not needing 4 years to find someone. But it isn't going to happen next week or next month. And if it DID take more than 4 years, then it will have to take more than 4 years for you to be ready and recieve the love that you desire.

The Steelers were CRAP for more than 40 years (gives the Lions some hope for future victory, I guess!). Lesson, whenever it is 'Now', that is how 'soon' it is. Period. Better to believe it will happen and it doesn't than it is to not believe an let that justify your misery. Boys and girls, grab your gear and knuckle the hell up! Make what you want happen!

REALITY, NOT FANTASY

THE STUFF GOING ON IN THE SALONS

The entire Rep. Joe Wilson thing has gotten on my last nerve. Keith Olberman on his show gave a ten minute monologue on why it isn't the incivility, the thinly veil racism (ol' Joe is a member in good standing of several of those 'sons of the stupid cats who still think the North is wrong' organizations), or his own real policy. In the end, it is about the stupidity, the ignorance.

It IS in black and white how the proposed bill will not fund anything for undocumented illegal aliens. But the debate has been exacerbated by stupid people saying stupid things for selfish reasons. Don't you wish they had this much debate of that damn Patriot Act? And all folks do is stir the damn pot. That, is where someone needs to radio Mission Control, because 'Houston, we have a problem.'

The news that I am watching and reading isn't what everyone else is, dontcha know. Maybe I will write about it ...

LETTING GO OF PEOPLE WHO NO LONGER MATTER TO YOU AND YOUR LIFE

I will read a journal and folks will be talking about one of the most misunderstood aspects of our social lives, friends and family. If it isn't you, I wonder how many people you do know that have these 'toxic relationships' that persist in their lives, this 'freinemie' thing? People you say that you like, but you are suspicious or distrustful of. Someone you would not mind placing blame on at work, even though you go out to lunch with. You know, the same kind of folks who invited Carrie to the prom ... all done and set up with the intention to laugh at her.

Why don't we do like Carrie did? Because we are not telekinetic, that is why!! But what we can do is TREAT people the way Carrie did, to dismiss them so thoroughly that it is as though they are of no significance to you. I have always wondered, sometimes I will even ask a person, why do they keep on with someone who aggravates them so? I know that I can't maintain an attitude of 'even though he is a jerk, we are still cool' attitude. For me, if you don't like me, that is cool ... cause more than likely I won't like you. And there is no worries about it, because I could be your teammate and pass you the ball for the winning shot, but I will be sure to go do my own thing when the game is over.

Maybe we play well together on the basketball court, but it doesn't mean that I like you. It means I wanted to WIN. Big difference. Now leave me alone and get the hell away, you bother me.

Having few friends sorta nags at me, no lie. But the truth is that it does so mainly for the sake of discussion. Only in broaching this subject, usually when I hear someone talk about some messy friendship or relationship they have, and I ask them why don't they leave them alone? If their is no good use or function to the relationship, what is the problem?

I don't necessarily think that I have 'stare down eyes'. But I do feed off the emotions of writing someone off. When I think back of the moments that I have looked someone in the face and told them 'the end', I wear a smile. Not because I enjoyed it, after all, I had hoped that the relationship went 'right'. I smile because I stood up for myself and what I dream of. This person was inhibiting that from happening. I am glad to get rid of them, so that I can get on with the business of living and making my life happen.

When I think on my growing up, it was full of kids who they themselves didn't know how to behave. Being a 'friend' was an ephemeral thing, but I noticed something quick fast. When I didn't have to worry about certain cats who called themselves 'friend', I had better days in school.

In high school, their was the cat who came from the same jr. high as I did ... there was about ten of fifteen kids from my honor class alone. Anywho, we were 'different' now that we were in high school and we got to be 'different' on the high school caste system.

His went up ... he got into the 'cliques' and whatever. I ended up playing Dungeons & Dragons. What kept us in contact was ROTC. We both were part of the corp, and military service was important in both of our families. But there were things about him that I DID NOT LIKE.

Whatever reason, he would like to 'peel off' and hang with me at the oddest times ... that we went home the same way, catching either the bus on 7 mile or the 8 mile bus at Northland Mall, meant that no matter which way I went, he would get off as well. And for whatever reason the girls were sweet on him, but he would rag on whatever I thought was cute.

My senior year, I changed schools. That was the last time I had a toxic person who I CALLED a friend.
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Saying that 'someone got what they paid for', with me isn't a way for me to shrug off whatever I have done in a particular relationship. My ex wife, bless her heart (that is an amelioration ... and you KNOW this, maaann!!) got what she paid for. She was still stuck in that angry, left out of the reindeer games, that people her age should have gotten over, or at least made big steps in doing so. That is what I banked on, her slight edge in maturity, being something that I could lean on, as I learned how to be a husband and a father right out the gate.

Marriage is a lifetime comittment, blah, blah. I did think that if we were in for the long haul, we'd figure thing out. But dag, she still had so much high school going on, that it wasn't even funny. What I can remember from the brief courtship and early days of our marriage only makes me upset with myself. Not for being caught off guard or ignoring the signs, but for allowing someone who brought bad energy into my life, to be a part of what I hoped for.

Haven't given out an invitation like that since. Maybe I HAVE been the pumpkin carriage for someone else, but as to my taking a ride in one, no thanks. The reason I don't care to deal with people that I have to call 'stupid' on the one hand, then say 'that's my girl/boy' is that is a source of stress.

What is the point of someone being in your life, if they don't bring any benefit to it? By that I mean, it all they do is Schleprock around, putting bad into any mix you got going, not being able to wish a sucker the best. I have always watched out as I ran around doing my thing. Outsiders have never bothered me too much.
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The nephew that stole from me is back, and I guess he has somehow found his way to high school. I can't forget, but I have forgiven him. For no other reason than that someone had to forgive me for the stuff I have done.

The toxic friend that I spoke of? HE is the one that stole a car from the just plain ol' Sinai Hospital, next to our high school. I WAS the one who had to hold the weight when the jigg was up. We began a polite conversation after the stuff went down and my Mom cleaned it up. But it was all 'head nods & elbow pounds' after that. There was no longer any reason for us to pretend to be friends anymore.

Had my ex wife been willing to do that, get rid of the 'waste products' that she had in her life, maybe again, we'd have had a better chance. Her self esteem was such that she didn't see that she was (and admittedly, remained) a level above the loser girls she hung with. But she didn't see it that way. Instead of lifting her level, she would fall to where they were. Mookie shared a quality that was like that with her.

People like that are lessons in my life, ones that I have lived by. I have never been engaged with people like that outside of the folks I lived with in the 48219. Have I been the 'toxin' in other's lives ..? Hey, I am sure I have been, and I can live with the guilt from it. I honestly try to improve on myself everyday.

But to keep someone who holds you back and impair your attitude in your life, I don't get it. It isn't that I don't have warm fuzzies about MD ... but all her crap washes it out. I can't think of the good with out all the bad obscuring it. It becomes something that I would rather not do.

Anywho ... this is a very Mark -isian entry. A little scatter shot, but I will pull it together.

...BUT FIRST, FOOTBALL SATURDAY

FOOTBALL SATURDAY

Michigan won the kind of game they usually have lost, and Ohio State lost the kind of game that they have normally won. Who'd of thunk it?

Notre Dame was the better team and for stretches of the exciting game, played like it. Then they also played like a team that was foundering and confused. I don't care what kind of 'offensive genius' that Charlie Weis WAS, because he IS a very overrated coach. From what I have heard about him, I sum up his personality as one as 'A-hole'.

Tate Forcier has solved Michigan's quarterback problem. Time for their coach Rich Rod, to man up and name the kid 'starter', end of discussion. He has LED the team to victory, not managed to be in the 'right place at the right time' in both games. Give him the job.

Who the hell is Jim Tressel? I mean, I know he came from Youngstown State, won big there and Dad was a long time coach as well. But if I had known that he had such a bland coaching style ...

I really liked Earl Bruce. No, the Buckeyes weren't in the national spotlight, but they never embarrassed themselves on his watch, either. Oh, and he beat Michigan. John Cooper came next, and he almost NEVER beat Michigan, despite having roseters full of 'next level' talent. Keith Byars, Chris Carter and Robert Smith are a few of the pro players who went on to have productive careers in the NFL. But he couldn't beat Michigan, and he got ran out because he couldn't do what the guy who he replaced could do.

Jim Tressel almost has everything going for him. He beats Michigan and he did bring a National Title to Columbus (which is a fine, fine town!!). My problem is his crap style. I understand the 'if it ain't broke ...' thing, but geez, when are they going to beat someone out of their neighborhood for a change?

Sure the players played ... Matt Barkley, like Tate Forcier has shown that they are ready. Joe McKnight reminded me of Joe Washington at Oklahoma years ago. Still, the coaches should have made the adjustments to slow up the Trojans.

That was a loss because of poor game planning and coaching. I don't really care for Jim Tressel, much in the way that Hutch didn't care for Lloyd Carr. They have a similiar track, in that they won National Titles early in their run as head coach, then failed to evolve.

ND's old coach, Lou Holtz was an exception to this. He won using several different styles at several different schools. He made exceptions for surperlative talents like Tim Brown and Rahib Ismail. Instead of fitting them into a plan, he altered the plan to make the most of their talents.

I do think that ND fans are a little unrealistic. With the kind of schedule that they play and the kind of talent that is eligble to attend the school, it has to be too difficult to recruit and stock the kind of talent they do at other schools. The coach there really has to have a vision and be able to think a little outside the box to be successful there. Lou Holtz was that kind of cat.

But they ran him out there too, dontcha know!!

What impressed me most about the Michigan game, is that it came with all the turbulence surrounding the program. The win does not mean that Michigan will make it back this season, but they are my darkhorse pick to bust the BCS. Much has been said about the improvements that Rich Rod's teams have made from year one to year two. And unlike ND, I don't think that Michigan has bad recruiting years. Perhaps it was more of the Coach getting his kind of players and developing the holdovers into his system. Even saying that, I still think he is an oily kind of cat. Recruiting cats who dealt drugs and bounced around from place to place in order to play football, doesn't bode well, IMO, for him. We will see ... with a 'who cares' attitude.

KANYE WEST

I have no idea what Beyonce video he was talking about. What I don't understand is why folks continue to feed his enormous ego. What he did was not out of the norm for him. He pulled a stunt like this a few years ago when he didn't the Grammy award in Britain. I rememeber that because I liked the group that did win, Simian .

This isn't the from the winning album, but I don't like any of the videos for those songs. This is from the post-Simian band with two of the original members. Anywho, I wonder what the hell kind of person Kanye really is? I thought it was telling, that his Mom tried to get liposuction done on the cheap, putting her life in the hands of someone whose cost meant more to her than his qualifications. That has always been a 'leader' of what kind of person that someone is for me. The same way I wonder about a person who lives in a fancy house but has cheap toliet paper on the roll, or lives in the hood but drives a Mercedes. There is a priority or reality check in order, no?

I am going to say it ... he is an a-hole of the highest order.

LIFE IS FUNNY THAT WAY

After we laid my darling brother to rest, one of the things that I had wanted to do was get the girls together so that they could be friends. With Jan being Jan ... I had to let that go. But my Army and Best sister was a different thing. I didn't like that the twins weren't cool and that played a part in my picking Nebraska to go live. Things have changed since I made Nebraska my goal. Now, there are different factors coming into play, and I guess I will be thinking about them for a bit.

Some of this revolves around my Best Sister and what is really best for me. And I do think what is best for me, is to completely disengage from the lives of my sisters, and go on and live my life, for me. Had I gone to Nebraska, I was thinking that I would take guardianship of my niece as my Best Sister did what she was going to do (which had changed a couple of times, but still resulted in me getting guardianship of her daughter). As it was, I briefed the SFC on it, but it wasn't complete. There was still a lot left in the air, as if I was supposed to move on my Best Sister mark. I had no real idea of what her plan was or my role in that plan.

That, along with more conspiracy stuff, will be what I will be sharing with folks as I finish out the last two weeks of the month. Ciao!!

THE DEATH OF FOOTBALL SATURDAY

FEELING GOOD ... ONLY NOT SO MUCH


It is weird because I would have describe things as 'less than good' before and thought nothing of it. But right now, I don't feel like much of anything. I haven't left the house for more than a few minutes at a time since I had to see the SFC go home and it has been a long and thoughtful week.


The flap over the President's address to the school's this week was a case where I think that the 'cognitive dissonance' of the different points of view obscured the real issue at hand. For me, it was all about the attempt to get children to particpate in something that smacked directly of tolitarian governments. 'What can you do to help the President' is totally different from asking 'what can you do for your country', or any of the other President's who have used the back -to- school speech as a place to bluster. That policy stuff flies over the heads of the children and we all know who the real targets are. The inclusion of children into the picture which is WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH THE SUGGESTED LESSON PLAN, is another erosion of the illusion that there isn't some sort of control of the masses going on.

When you look at some of the child soldiers and the other abuses of children in other places in the world, we don't think that stuff could happen here. We also wonder where does that kind of pathology begins. Same way I wondered how the world became the three giant super states in '1984', until the Patroit Act came flying through Congress. They already have 'Fortress England', with all the survailance going on there. Europe is united in its intra-boundary sqaubbles and in the old Soviet Union, they are bringing back Stalin. Asia has begun to rise and have their own interest as India, Russia and China are busy divying up Africa. They see America as ITS market place as much as anything.

But as I can feel the train lifting of the tracks and they undulate through an uneven landscape, I am going to stop. I think that 'conspiracy' more than secret clandestine groups meeting in dank old structure or meeting in posh Swiss resorts. But if you believe that things happen for a reason, then you have to believe that things ARE happening, and we don't know the reason, only that there is one.

IT WAS A MICHIGAN-NOTRE DAME GAME

I worked a swing shift job for a company in Carolina when I was hanging with the Delta Girl. She taped the ND-Michigan game for me. I rooted for the maize and blue over the Irish and because I was going to miss the game, I asked for her to record it.

The shift let out, and I got home around 4:30. We sat down and we watched the game, and it was low scoring, but Michigan stank. On paper, they had a better team but they don't play games on paper. They were at home, and I could not believe the ineptitude of 'the visionary genius' that was the Lloyd Carr coaching staff.

"Who won this game?" I asked in the first desultory quarter. Delta, being a good and observant girl, because who would go to the trouble of taping a game that they wanted to know who won, did not say. Notre Dame begin to take grip of the game in the second quarter, and angrily, I stood up and shouted, "Who won this freakin' game!?!" She looked back at me, stunned and a little fearfully (I think women use that 'doe in the head light eyes' thing to throw a brother off ... anywho ...) she told me that the Irish won.

"Oh", I said, calming down straight away. "I am going to get in the shower. Let's go to Raleigh and go to get a really nice dinner for a change." And that was that.
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I don't know the final score of the Toledo-Colorado game, but I know the Rockets were up BIG. The win would be such a coup for the MAC, and it was interesting to watch it from the standpoint that a big boy was getting it handed to them on TV by such a small time program. I mean the Buffaloes were one of the top teams around at one point and time. They play in big time games against Nebraska, Oklahoma and Texas. Not only do they not lose to the Toledo's of college football, since when do they do 'home and home' with them? So it was a good deal for the Rockets.

My passion for sports in general has really diminished over time. Mookie and I used to go out to a sports bar to catch State games back when we actuallyliked each other ... but other than that, I don't know when I made sports appointment television. After all, it is one o'clock ... I am sure there is football on somewhere that I am not watching. And while ND and the Maize and Blue get it on this afternoon, with the Buckeyes hosting USC, I am not all that sure that I will sit in on the games, at least not in their entirety.

I really haven't felt up to much of anything this week. Been doing a lot of speculating as to 'why' that is ...

HIT COUNT

Is it just me, or has anyone else's hit count jumped by about a six thousand hit? I happen to keep a count of how many hits I get here, and it went from about 4200 to 11,000 over the course of a few days. What the hell is up with that? I do that, because some of the journals I read ask for a web site and I copy and paste the address of my journal in an email. I lable it 'hit count and link' and send it to myself. Whenever I come to a journal that asks for it, I open the email and there you go.

Who would be reading this stuff, and why the sudden interest? I do know that if you seach the Samuel Delaney novel 'Stars, like grains of sand in my pocket', there are entries from my journal on the first page. But who is looking for that book in large numbers? Anywho, just thought I would ask.

GLEE

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL FOR ADULTS

That is what comes to mind with Fox's new show, 'Glee'. The premiere was shown late spring, and I have been waiting to catch it when it starts it run, which it has for the fall. It is definitely appointment television for me!

'Fame' is a movie due in the fall, and I do plan on catching it. My darling brother would be first in line when it hit!! Along with Miss Piggy and Wonder Woman, he would go flying through the air like Leroy thru dance class!

'SINGING WITH MY HEART'

That is where I got this idea from. Enjoy and I guess I look forward to some of y'all to do likewise. Be a dear, and let a brother know when you fill yours out!

How long have you been blogging:
Since July 16, 2004 publicly. So that means I just hit 5 years. You can read that post here.

Why did you start blogging:
I started blogging to try to find an outlet for my social needs. I was bored, and Mookie wasn't then most conversational person. I would eventually find out WHY she didn't want to talk to me, but that is now neither here nor there or anywhere else!!

What have you found to be the benefits of blogging:
Blogging and writing have helped me heal from some pretty deep scars I had in my past relationship. It has helped me remain positive that I can deal with my life and the main thing has been the connections that I have made with people out here.

How many times a week do you post an entry?:
Usually at least 4-5/week, if not more. I am actually trying to cut down on posting, because I don't want to sit and dwell on something until I have an entry to post. I sort of think that if I have something to post each day, that I am not living my life, if that makes any sense.

How many different blogs do you read on a regular basis:
I really don't know. I think there is about 80 that I am suscribed to and I try to comment something to each one I see. Some more I comment on more frequently than others, but I do try to read and let someone know that I visited their journal.
Do you comment on other people’s blogs:Not all the time. I don't have something to add to everyone's journal and I don't. As I have said, sometimes I will simply say that I have dropped by. Recently I have been doing some 'read by' journaling, not leaving comments.

Do you keep track of how many visitors you’ve had:
I have a hit count going, because I have seen them in other folks journals and wanted to have one of my own. As far as seeing where other folks are from ... I have traveled enough and seen the places that I was meant to see. Any places I find myself in now is a bonus!

Do you ever regret a post that you wrote:
Nope. There are some that I cringe while reading, still, but I don’t regret posting anything I post in here. It’s my blog. It’s my prerogative. Don’t like it? Don’t read it.

Do you think your audience has a true sense of who you are based on your blog:
I try to do the best I can in portraying myself. I do the best I can, every day, every moment, and just post when & what I want to post. I feel that I am what I write and if that isn't good enough then que sera!

Do you blog under your real name:Yes, but I keep my blog separate from my family & friends in my analog life (since this is the digital or 'virtual' world), mainly so I can feel free to write without any stipulations or fears of offending someone. A couple of the active characters in my life may drop by occasionally, but I don't write for them. I don't direct anyone to 'read' any of my entries ... for real. If there is something I want said to them, I WILL SAY IT. Maybe it gets a run through here, but it will get said to whoever (I mourn that I can't look everyone in the eye when I speak to them electronically). Ain't no pirouettes done here!!
Are there topics you would never blog about:Nope, pretty much anything you want to know, I’ll answer/blog about, eventually. But I guess the caveat is it has to be directly involved with me and my perspective. If it is one of the people who I interact with on that '1st degree of separation', I take pains to limit that conversation.

What is the theme/topic of your blog:
Didn't know that I had to have one. The reason the title fits, is because I hoped it showed the immense scope of life at the same time it's also small and insignificant. I mean, as big and powerful as the sun is, it is still a mote in the universe, not even a big thing among the big things. How much do we even matter in the existence of things? Not to get all existentsentialist up in here, but really? What does ANYTHING mean to anything? Live and love. Do your best and don't hurt anyone if you don't have to. And if you do hurt someone, apologize and don't do it again.

Do you have more than one blog. If so, why?
Yes. I have this as my main blog. My other journal (still not ready to 'blog') which I haven't posted in for quite a while, was intended to be where I post lighter stuff. We will see what we do with it. Both are named for devices that I use in describing myself. One is from the sci fi story by Samuel Delaney,'Stars in My Pocket Like Grains of Sand'. Since I don't want to repeat what I have said about what the title means to me, I will move to where the name of the other journal came from.
Beth was kind enough send me the book 'Desperation' by Stephen King. It was not one of his most well received books at the time it came out, but I really enjoyed it.
I have had a fascination with the Great American Southwest from my adolescence. 'The Incredible Hulk' stories were based for a good long while around the deserts found there. The artist for that title, John Buscema's work really captured the mood of the stories. Mike Mignola's run was one that I really enjoyed (yes Laurie, I used to have fave artists and their work were inseperable from the storylines and the characters for me... Walt Simonson's 'Thor' was the best of all, even better than the work that Clairemont/Byrne did on the X-Men in the eighties that catapulted that near death title into it present state as a flagship for Marvel comic movie franchise).

Have you ever deleted a comment from your blog?
Nope. Prolly never will. I figure if my journal means that much to someone, then they are welcome to say what they want about me. I can deal with someone spewing crap about me. One of the things about AKA's thing on Face Book was I thought it was funny. The worst thing she could do was tell people the truth about me ... the same things that I tell people about myself. The big problem is that it bother other people who were connected to her thru me, and that more than anything determined that I end her rantin' and ravin'.

No, we haven't spoken since that incident. Being careful with my what I wish for ... I won't say anything else about that. But that was the closest I have come to 'deleting' anything said about me on line.

FOR ME, IT'S IN THE ATMOSPHERE

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

I am 42 and one day today! Hurrah!! Me and the SFC spent the holiday weekend as close as two people could be without being a conjoined twin or impregnated. While my Dad took the weekend to visit HIS family and see his Mom in Arkansas, she did get a chance to meet the collection of miscreants that blunder through here. And we did go out and have brunch with Hutch, which went very well.


No real gifts ... unless you want to call Skye 'friending' me on Facebook a gift, and I do!! I looked at every post she put up on there, and I am really hoping that we do get a chance to hang out together. I thought about surprising her, but there is more possible that could go wrong that could derail things.


It is hard to believe that only two days ago, my girl was here and I had her in my arms. The Fly Skimmie was in town and she called during the weekend as well. We had a long conversation about this and that, and the upshot of it all was that she was like, "What are you waiting for?"


There are some issues with the 'unfriendly, Friend of the Court' that I have been dealing with while I have been home. That is the primary reason that I was even here and not out west. The issues have been dogging me since the last full year of my time in the 'provincial town I jogged 'round'. But there is something about multi-layered objectives that I get twisted around. I remember thinking if Mookie had helped me out when I asked for her help, or if ...


... if my Aunt had balls, she'd be my Uncle!


I was telling the Fly Skimmie about how empty I was feeling, and she told me that whatever it is, go on out there and if you have to fly back, then that is what I we would have to do.


'We', being a reference to my SFC and I. And that is what cinched it for me. It was already in mind that we should go on and throw caution to the wind, anyway. Maybe in October, early November, I am going to go east. That will be that. Hanging around here is like waiting for 'things' to happen. Like coming back home.


BROKE, BUT NOT POOR


As to my actually birthday yesterday, it was a 'little bit of this, and a little bit of that'. There are other things on my mind and those outside forces always get conspiratorial with other pieces of stuff in my thoughts and become animated. Mentally I felt better than I did on Monday, when I not had to let my girl go. I also had to be left 'here', in my Dad's house where the inmates were running the asylum.


I haven't bothered with designating all the characters that spin through here. I can't even recall the names I had for the little niece and nephews. There are too many young people who come in and out with what are to me, very loose connections to other family members. Though I am the oldest son, I am very much the outsider here.


Coming home on Monday, the house was not only teeming with people, but a 'mucking fess'. I barley had time to put down my bags before me & the SFC went back out to purchase some basic cleaning materials. The kitchen looked like it hadn't been cleaned in the three days I hadn't been home. There was a cute, adorable puppy roaming in the house ...


... which I found intellectually and spiritually troubling. There are children that go without the attention and involvement that they need to flourish, the kind of things that make the underclass self-sustaining when children have to do without it.


The parellels between the puppy and the children aren't lost on me. The same reasons that the puppy shouldn't be here is the same reason that the kids and the teens are going to track in the muck of being poor. No hope for anything other than the instant gratification of what is at hand. Like the little children and the puppy, the teens have no way to concieve of a 'future' beyond the now.


And that 'now', is measure by things like the next big party or dance contest. Of when someone hopes that they get something given to them. It could be money or a job with a very low ceiling, and that ceiling could be because of their inablity to maximize the chances they have been given. 'Should have done better in middle school', since they are already in high school. And Hutch himself will admit, you really have to almost WANT to fail a grade in a Detroit High School ... and given the embarassingly low graduation rates, you have to think that is what many are doing (but that is also a segue into a different conversation).


I put the stuff in the kitchen and went to my room and spent the last couple of hours with my girl. Didn't talk too much about that stuff going on downstairs. I knew that I wasn't cleaning up. How the hell does crap like that happen? The mindset of urban poverty is one that I will never understand and find totally unacceptable. Unlike rural areas where the networking to find support is stretched gossamer thin, if you really want to do better here, even in empty Detroit, you can.


Looking around, I wonder why there is so much time spent essentially doing nothing, 'Groundhog Days' of being poor. How do they live like this? And yes, I am separating myself from these kids and their parents. It pisses me off because I know that their parents, for instance, the little kids Mom who was sitting amid all the dirty plates and refuse, knows better. Her Mom is a little older than me, and she did know raise her up to be so slovenly. So what the hell is up with that?


Even if they had that falling out thing that Mother and daughters (which IMO, is something that goes under reported in the discussions on the problems in the black community ...) do when they get of a certain age, compounded with teen pregnancy, the Mom still knows better than this. There is a Dollar Store nearby. You keep making food stuff, so there had to be $5 to buy cleaning supplies.


Yet it doesn't happen. So even if all that goes on is taking advantage of my Dad's 'open door' policy, I would think personal pride would make people pick up after themselves. Not having money is no excuse. I stay broke, but I manage to do the things that make me separate myself from those around me. Personal pride ..? Because I like to wash my raggedy clothes and cook nice meals? I find something to do with myself other than sitting in front of the television or computer, wasting time with the numbing vacuousness of their limited imaginations.


That is what being 'poor' is about. Not being able to imagine themselves beyond where they are. There are many times where I want to stop and ask what is the point of whatever it is they are doing. If when they went to sleep, what was their goals for the day. Too many people go around in life without setting an agenda at all.

Poverty is not simply about money. It is as much about how you think as well. And you can tell people that it is attitude as much as it is anything else that determines where you go in life. But it is soo hard to put into practice. I get that what people see and how they interpret the information provided them factors into what they do.

"ANONYMOUS"

Name of an episode of 'Joan of Arcadia'. Near the end, God appears to her in the form of school sanitation engineer. In the conversation, he tells Joan that being a 'searcher' is her thing, what she does. And it brought back to mind the line that a former Free Press columnist Susan Watson called her son, 'the seeker of knowledge and truth'. I always thought that it was a good enough for me to identify with.

Another line I got from Joan, " ... I am not a photographer. I am someone just digging around in the garbage trying to find something." Is another way I guess I could describe what I am doing with this life of mine. Writing thru my momentary moods ... because I did not start this entry feeling like I do right now. I thought that I was going to talk about why the real fight inside of me is one of wanting to ... maybe I don't have to deal with that right now. Will have to get there eventually. But many times picking thru the garbage, if I don't find what I am looking for I do find what I need. At the very least something that I can use.

ON BOXING

SOME THINGS ARE REALLY WORSE THAN BEFORE

I do think that the boxing that goes on now, isn't the same as when I was growing up. It starts at the ground level. Boxing no longer attracts athletic talent. Not to say that boxers are multi-sport stars, but I think that being able to 'do something' means you have untapped skills that need to be focused.

For instance as a kid, I played hockey, golfed and basketball before I narrowed in on boxing. I did a lot of other 'kid things' that required a component of physical skill, climbing fences and trees, as well as all the pick up games in the neighborhood.

The allure of the major sports and the other fringe benefits that come with them, keeps attracting the talent necessary to feed them, to become self-sustaining apparatus. In my mind, you look at the paths to becoming a star in a major sport, it opens up so much more opportunity. You network, get a chance to further your education, all the other real things that provide motivation from participation in athletics.

With boxing, there doesn't seem to be a lot of 'incidental careers opportunities that comes with a boxing career. The networking and ability to branch off into another area of the industry isn't there.

Also, the technological age has introduce another malady that affects boxing as well. Social interaction. Kids would have to deal with each other face to face and figure things out. And like young cubs, their socializing would lead to horseplay and sometimes, a fight. Fighting would in turn make more people interested in learning how, and then you have more boxers. A larger pool of talent would mean more skilled fighters, as cream rises to the top.

One of the reason that I am bringing this up, is Manny Paciquao is a very good fighter. But when I compare him to some of the triple crown champions of my era, he as well as Oscar De La Hoya, fall short of greatness. At first I thought I was being a crudgemudgeon, but I saw an article that put Paciquao in the 80's. The list of fighters he would have had to beat or been encouraged to fight was a walk thru Boxing's Hall of Fame. Since he won the 147 lbs. title, he would have had to beat either Leonard, Hearns, and Duran. The three cats who were in the title mix prior to those three, Wilfred Benitez who was at 17 the youngest fighter to ever win a title, along with enduring and respected champions Pipino Cuevas and Carlos Palomino, would have been a formidable test for 'Pac Man'.

The title he won at 140 may have came easier. Antonio Cervantes was the only good fighter there, and Aaron Pryor would overwhelm him. I don't think that Pac Man would survive 'The Hawk', but there would have been other ways for him to get a belt at 140. He wouldn't have had to fight Aaron Pryor, who beat EVERYBODY as an amateur and never got his due as a professional fighter.

Lightweights ... at 135, the list of CONTENDERS is enough to say that Manny Paciquao would not have made it thru. Livingstone Bramble, Ray Mancini, Sean O'Grady, as well as champions like Alexis Arguello (himself along with Leonard and Duran,a triple crown champion) and Hilmer Kenty would have been tough nuts to crack.

I don't think that he stopped at 130, but he would have had an easier time, similar to the potential fights at 140. I could list all the cats, but they are more 'who are they' kind of fighters. Roger Mayweather is cat who fought well at that weight. It is also where Julio Ceasar Chavez got his start. There were other good fighters, but if Paciquao is a great fighter, he would have bested them.

There is no way I see him cracking through the featherweights, 126 lbs. easily as well. Salvador Sanchez who died tragically in a car accident, was a dominant a fighter as there could be. He had to beat a really good fighter himself, Danny 'Little Red' Lopez, to get a title. And again, there are too many other fighters for Paciquao to have had to face to get to a title shot, to imagine him being good enough to do it.

Now, it isn't that he couldn't have won ONE of these titles in an individual weight class. I mean, he could pull his best out for Sugar Ray. And fighters like Pryor, Duran, Chavez and Arguello could have been caught 'sleeping' as they went up and down multiple weight classes in search of their chances to fight for big money. But it is too unlikely.

He could have settled in a weight division and had a good career. But all of the hosanna's that are lavished upon him now ..? I don't think so.

IT STARTED WITH TYSON

The hype machine made him seem larger than life. Not saying that he wasn't a very good fighter, but he was beatable. I know because I saw him as an amateur and I always looked at his fights 'differently'
than the average viewer. The things that I saw in his style and how he attacked and should be fought had me believe that I could beat him. No, it would not have been easy. But I was from Dee-troit, Mo-town. I trained with some VERY tough nuts. I like to think that I was one of those tough nuts myself.

Anyway, he was a fighter who's story made him the fighter, rather than his skills. I think of the cat who is the template for this kind of build up in boxing, Sugar Ray. That cat FOUGHT. He didn't have a lot of match ups where people were cowed by fighting his name and his image. In fact, I distinctly remember cats who would openly say that they are going to give it to him, and actually tried.

But Ray was a special fighter and it showed. He fought a lot of good cats on his way to the title. It wasn't given to him. Mike did not do that. He scored some highlight film knockouts of decent cats, but no one that could really 'fight'. In fact, he was exposed fully in a fight with James 'Quick' Tillis. But by that time, the hype machine was in full frenzy and that hiccup was overlooked.

When I was in the service, and because of my knowledge of Tyson before his media sensation rise, I would tell people that I thought I could beat him. Of course it was laughed off, even as I beat up cats in smokers on different posts. Even those closest to me would roll their eyes at me and my claims. I would try to point out all the things that I would do and could be done. I would also talk about moments in fights where he was 'hung up' and if his foe had the heart and will to do what he knew to do, it would change the fight.

Like so much these days, I thought that Mike Tyson was more style than substance. Michael Vick is like that too. He isn't a good quarterback and at this stage, he never will be. In an 'apples to oranges' comparison, since Vick is 'Tyson-esque', we saw what the lay off did to someone who we thought was great but wasn't, did. Ali had a similar layoff in the prime of his career and because he really WAS great, did his thing. (apples to apples ... compare Vick to Roger Staubauch).

I really would walk around talking about being able to beat Mike Tyson. Once, I asked a trainer in my gym what he would think about me and Tyson ... he looked at me and said, "No". He then finished gloving me up and sent me in to box.

There has only been one person who ever thought that I could do what I say that I can do with a chance to box a prime Mike Tyson. Only one person who makes me wonder what could have been if they'd been around me, or I had been around them, still with the same goals and intentions in my life. Maybe people have their own 'what if' scenario's for people in their lives ... I didn't know I had this one until June.

As much as folks would smirk (because if you thought that Tyson could have knocked me out, you had better be wearing a smile!!), this person would stand up next to me and back me up. I don't even know if they knew the first THING about boxing, but they'd have my back.

And she comes in town in a couple of hours. My SFC.

Have a happy holiday weekend ..! See y'all on Tuesday!!