FIGHT NIGHT ... FRIDAY!
Okay, this is a reminder that the 'Knockout King' is fighting tomorrow night on ESPN 2. The bouts start at 10 p.m., and the first fight is a twelve round title fight as well, Clinton Woods - Tavoris Cloud. That is a quality match up too. I won't be disappointed if I am the only person watching, but I am just pluggin' ...
SOUNDTRACK ... CARNIVORE ... TRANSGRESSIVE ...
I hope that I didn't rub anyone the wrong way, spouting off on the health care debate. But it is hard to separate what you need to know to make a decision when one side is deliberately muddying the conversation. That is a polite way of saying that one side is lying, but that is what they are doing AND they are using smoke and mirrors to distort the proposed reforms.
Why are the ones who denigrate the Obama Health Care plan, doing what they are doing? I can't say for sure, but I would not be surprised to find that there are deep pocketed Insurance companies behind a lot of it. It drives me crazy to think that someone is trying to get me to believe them when I think that THEY KNOW they are full of crap. It reminds me of how 'my people' delude themselves into believing things that they know aren't true, but it happens to be what they see.
One of the reasons I think there was so much more change that was positive in the country in the late '50's, early '60's, is that the population was more literate and intelligent. No, you won't be getting any stats from me to support that statement (guess you could say I write copy for Michelle Bachman!!). But when I think of how people actually BELIEVED the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth to support a pair of candidates that did everything they could to NOT serve ... comparing that to how short lived that McCarthy-ism was spreading before it died out, I think that the difference was how the media was able to report the story, unbiased. And people wasn't as distracted by things too, so they could focus on what was going on.
The same could be said of the national mood all the way up until the late 70's. Could not imagine some of the Bush-Cheney shenanigans taking place in that environment, terrorism or no. I feel as if there is less thought about our fellow man, than there is ourselves. And we should be familiar with how that worked out for Cain ...
NOW FOR SOMETHING DIFFERENT
My SFC is in love with me. No, really. She is coming to meet my Dad and hang with me on the weekend before my birthday. And yes, it blows me away. At the same time, I am also so ready for this next chapter in my life.
It took me awhile to get it, being careful for what you ask for. And I was, so really she is everything that I asked for.
I am fortunate to get this new start with her, someone who knew me way back when I was trying to grow up and be something, who doesn't have any residual bad memories of any lingering hurts. If anything, what has happened with us only could be seen as an affirmation of the emotions we express to each other, now.
Even as I say 'all I have to do is ...', the actual 'doing' is a big, big load. Yet it is refreshing to have my goals of getting to a place where I can pursue my dreams come so close to really happening. When I get to the Metroplex, all I will have to do is be whoever it is I am and who I want to be.
Her bet is that person is going to be her partner. She has seen enough in me to make that kind of committment. Isn't that something?
No doubt that if there was ever a person who could get me to 'stop what I was doing', it is her. That is what I keep coming back to. I knew as soon as I saw her name in the mail box ...
I didn't think it would be important to me that someone met any of my family ... but this time, I want my Dad to see the person that I am going to spend the rest of my life with.
Should we have had that conversation two decades ago? Because as much as we did share, neither of us knew that the other wanted to be married ... but I am glad that things worked out the way that they did. We'd have no idea of how to act, knowing how to be a partner to one another. And the military is hard on mature marriages ... how much more difficult would it have been for two young kids as we were?
The way I see things, is that NOW we can act like kids with each other, the dreams we had at 18 when we met, we will be able to act out! We talk about what life is going to be like for us, and we giggle as much as we are talking. The feeling that I had when we first laid eyes on one another back in June ... the same emotions that I had for her instantly resurfaced ... with one added positive to them.
And as to what that was, I leave that to the imagination ..!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Gran Torino, pt. 2
ASSOCIATIVE PRINCIPLE OF LIFE
I got myself together for my run, and guess who pops up? My thievin' nephew. I did not feel like being in the house with him so I would not call to get my results until Tuesday (which were normal FOR ME, but not 'other people', if you get my drift ... hearing that stuff will always remind me of my hearing with Social Security ...). Instead I took off and headed downtown.
Similar to someone in New York who rarely leaves their borough, growing up in Detroit I didn't have a lot of reasons to go past Belle Isle. Why? The East Side of town has this 'where the weak are killed and eaten' reputation that the folks seemed determined to live down to. Going out Jefferson, the places all looked like the same as places on my side of town. I mean, you see one abandoned store front ...
And that makes the contrast I would find at Jefferson and Alter so stark. Crossing over to Grosse Pointe Park it was like going from black and white film into Technicolor. Traffic moved steadily at posted speeds and were really smooth. Now THESE were some 'safe and stable homes!'
The reason I was on this particular sight see, is that at the end of 'Gran Torino', there is a shot of the cat driving along Jefferson out this way. As soon as I saw it, I remembered riding with Moms, my brother and Jan (the twins had yet to make the scene) for Sunday rides.
For a brief moment, I flashed back to the situ I found myself in Sunday. I woke up to find 5 hungry children in the house. The SFC had called (she is up EARLIER than me!!) and was on the phone as I moaned about the Mom's leaving them here and not leaving anything for their care. I had wanted to go and get myself something to eat, but what was I going to do? Bring my food back into a house full of elementary age children, who were unable to do for themselves?
I have grown ill of some of this irresponsibility. But before I get taken off tack, the SFC would NOT let me be the person that she knows I am. While I was talking about 'doing me', she wouldn't let me simply 'abandon my post'.
Scrambling through the dirty kitchen, I found enough eggs, sausage and toast to put into their bellies. Gives the kids a start, a hot breakie. So many things could be improved in ghetto families by simply making a breakie or having dinner. Why aren't the Mom's even interested ...?
Because that would not have been my Sunday, it put what prolly would have been my Sunday on my mind. That, and wanting to ride past through that movie ending shot.
Park, Woods, Shores. Went through all of them pretty much. Saw some big ol' Academy and I pass through the shot. There were a couple of slow moving girls on bikes and the sidewalk was too narrow to pass. So I hung behind them for 1/4 mile until they noticed me. At 9 mile I hung a left and began to come on home.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but I keep noticing differences in how blacks and whites socialize around here. There was a pair of little girls that were elementary school age riding their bikes. Together. It was very sweet and made me think that there is hope for the divide between the 'burbs and Detroit to get along.
Roseville was nice ... then I rode past the Mound Chrysler Plants in Warren where Mom did her thing. The buildings looked sad, with a banner hanging over the Daimler-Chrysler sign on one, and the other with a GM sign but looking very empty. I didn't know if the plants were shuttered or on a layoff, with the faintest hopes that maybe they will be filled with workers at some point in the future.
BRAY'S MAKES GOOD BURGERS, TOO
Or at least they did. There would be times we'd ride out here to either pick up Mom's check, or she'd take us to Hazel Park Raceway, to 'see the turtle take water'. There used to be a big donkey on the roof which caught my attention as a kid. The place is nice and shiny now, a far cry from the greasy spoon that I remembered.
My NCOIC called while I was in that area and we talked for a few minutes. I had put in another long day of going nowhere. She asked about the explosion that I hadn't heard about. She asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that Detroit IS a big city. It could be on the far side of town and I wouldn't have even felt the tremors. She asked if my Dad's house was nearby. I don't think there are any big industrial thingys around here, so I told her that I didn't think so.
Eventually I would come upon the overpass where there was an earlier bad accident. A car cut a truck off on I-75 and there was a huge explosion. No injuries, but the street was thru. Decided to go back to Detroit via John R. Road.
I'd use it as an excuse to go near my ol' stomping grounds in Palmer Park. This area is supposed to be an enclave for the rich. Last year, they were trying to close off access streets because there were so many people breaking in and running off with stuff. Didn't see where they'd put anything like that up, but I would think the barriers were a bad idea. How could emergency vehicles get in and out if there was an emergency?
Pedaling up the ol' 'Avenue of Fashion' as this strip of Livernois once was called, back to Grand River I pass by a place where I read a book about the Fermi II plant in Monroe. Seems like a possible 'China Syndrome' went out there back in '67. I haven't heard too much about the place and I guess that is a good thing. I mean what kind of news do you want to hear coming from a nuclear power plant?
As I make the stretch run home, I am finally tired. So my nephew , still at the house, is safe. Everything about my Monday was about celebrating how good my life has been and still is. When I got the phone call from my SFC, you can put in how good it will be, for sure.
I got myself together for my run, and guess who pops up? My thievin' nephew. I did not feel like being in the house with him so I would not call to get my results until Tuesday (which were normal FOR ME, but not 'other people', if you get my drift ... hearing that stuff will always remind me of my hearing with Social Security ...). Instead I took off and headed downtown.
Similar to someone in New York who rarely leaves their borough, growing up in Detroit I didn't have a lot of reasons to go past Belle Isle. Why? The East Side of town has this 'where the weak are killed and eaten' reputation that the folks seemed determined to live down to. Going out Jefferson, the places all looked like the same as places on my side of town. I mean, you see one abandoned store front ...
And that makes the contrast I would find at Jefferson and Alter so stark. Crossing over to Grosse Pointe Park it was like going from black and white film into Technicolor. Traffic moved steadily at posted speeds and were really smooth. Now THESE were some 'safe and stable homes!'
The reason I was on this particular sight see, is that at the end of 'Gran Torino', there is a shot of the cat driving along Jefferson out this way. As soon as I saw it, I remembered riding with Moms, my brother and Jan (the twins had yet to make the scene) for Sunday rides.
For a brief moment, I flashed back to the situ I found myself in Sunday. I woke up to find 5 hungry children in the house. The SFC had called (she is up EARLIER than me!!) and was on the phone as I moaned about the Mom's leaving them here and not leaving anything for their care. I had wanted to go and get myself something to eat, but what was I going to do? Bring my food back into a house full of elementary age children, who were unable to do for themselves?
I have grown ill of some of this irresponsibility. But before I get taken off tack, the SFC would NOT let me be the person that she knows I am. While I was talking about 'doing me', she wouldn't let me simply 'abandon my post'.
Scrambling through the dirty kitchen, I found enough eggs, sausage and toast to put into their bellies. Gives the kids a start, a hot breakie. So many things could be improved in ghetto families by simply making a breakie or having dinner. Why aren't the Mom's even interested ...?
Because that would not have been my Sunday, it put what prolly would have been my Sunday on my mind. That, and wanting to ride past through that movie ending shot.
Park, Woods, Shores. Went through all of them pretty much. Saw some big ol' Academy and I pass through the shot. There were a couple of slow moving girls on bikes and the sidewalk was too narrow to pass. So I hung behind them for 1/4 mile until they noticed me. At 9 mile I hung a left and began to come on home.
I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but I keep noticing differences in how blacks and whites socialize around here. There was a pair of little girls that were elementary school age riding their bikes. Together. It was very sweet and made me think that there is hope for the divide between the 'burbs and Detroit to get along.
Roseville was nice ... then I rode past the Mound Chrysler Plants in Warren where Mom did her thing. The buildings looked sad, with a banner hanging over the Daimler-Chrysler sign on one, and the other with a GM sign but looking very empty. I didn't know if the plants were shuttered or on a layoff, with the faintest hopes that maybe they will be filled with workers at some point in the future.
BRAY'S MAKES GOOD BURGERS, TOO
Or at least they did. There would be times we'd ride out here to either pick up Mom's check, or she'd take us to Hazel Park Raceway, to 'see the turtle take water'. There used to be a big donkey on the roof which caught my attention as a kid. The place is nice and shiny now, a far cry from the greasy spoon that I remembered.
My NCOIC called while I was in that area and we talked for a few minutes. I had put in another long day of going nowhere. She asked about the explosion that I hadn't heard about. She asked if I knew anything about it. I told her that Detroit IS a big city. It could be on the far side of town and I wouldn't have even felt the tremors. She asked if my Dad's house was nearby. I don't think there are any big industrial thingys around here, so I told her that I didn't think so.
Eventually I would come upon the overpass where there was an earlier bad accident. A car cut a truck off on I-75 and there was a huge explosion. No injuries, but the street was thru. Decided to go back to Detroit via John R. Road.
I'd use it as an excuse to go near my ol' stomping grounds in Palmer Park. This area is supposed to be an enclave for the rich. Last year, they were trying to close off access streets because there were so many people breaking in and running off with stuff. Didn't see where they'd put anything like that up, but I would think the barriers were a bad idea. How could emergency vehicles get in and out if there was an emergency?
Pedaling up the ol' 'Avenue of Fashion' as this strip of Livernois once was called, back to Grand River I pass by a place where I read a book about the Fermi II plant in Monroe. Seems like a possible 'China Syndrome' went out there back in '67. I haven't heard too much about the place and I guess that is a good thing. I mean what kind of news do you want to hear coming from a nuclear power plant?
As I make the stretch run home, I am finally tired. So my nephew , still at the house, is safe. Everything about my Monday was about celebrating how good my life has been and still is. When I got the phone call from my SFC, you can put in how good it will be, for sure.
Monday, August 24, 2009
GRAN TORINO
JOURNAL PLUGS
First, a journal that is a really good read, IS LON'S JOURNAL, REFLECTION. This particular entry called to mind of what I had hoped would be an 'ESPN Sports Center highlight' for me and my girls. That it is as unlikely to happen as ever, doesn't bother me as much as you think. Still too much to live for to be worried about the things that may never happen. After all, you never really know how things will work themselves out.
Then BETH'S ENTRY ABOUT HEALTH CARE really grabbed my attention. I tried to leave a comment on it, but there was a confluence of obscure, from way out there thoughts, that were jumbling up in my head. So I thought I would take a crack at it here in my own spot.
Liberals are whiners and they are as full of crap as the right wing cats. But the illusion that they are working for a social good is part of what allows them to act in their suppression of the great underclass. I do feel they want things to be done with a sniff of superiority and a 'just because I think it is right, you ignoramus' kind of attitude. Never mind that they are a-holes too. They aren't going to trade in their lifestyle that allows for their overpriced hybrid vehicles, the free trade coffee they drink, or that crap organic food that comes from China and is a load of bollocks when they talk about how much healthier it is for you.
Not to mention the crap holistic 'we are all one body' garbage they talk about not eating meat. As soon as they come up with a reason why I shouldn't you my incisors for ripping into a good piece of cow or pig, beyond the soul thing (because that is where their particular hypocrisy begins for me) that 'Space Boy' and 'Moon Girl' talk about. Yeah, whatever. I like what Agent Smith called mankind in the Matrix, liking us as a 'virus'. WE are the only living being that need to bend and corrupt nature for us to live ... regardless to its effect on ANY OTHER ORAGNISM, including us.
The folks that Beth mentioned in this particular entry, are liars. Pure and simple. Russ, Newt, and stupid-a** Sarah Palin (I am sorry, but she should really shut up. She has never met a topic she couldn't mangle into a incoherent babble.) Along with that Katy girl and her view on the health care and dumb Joe the plumber, she makes no sense.
And mentioning Katy and Joe ... you will see the big problem that I have with the some of the conservative 'reg'lar folks'. They are intellectually incurious to the topics they are upset about. With the folks on the front lines telling them lies, what it means to me, is that they are stupid. For real. It isn't like they can make a comment that came from their own mind. They simply parrot what they hear from people that they trust. And like having friends who screw you over, whenever I am behind someone based on a lie that they are telling me, I get from being behind them.
For instance, not only did I warn my Army Sister that she could find herself in a crap place for a crap reason, like going to Iraq, I HAD to go somewhere for a crap reason. But I knew it, and I am glad that the Gov't had a cat like me to send. Period, end of story. After all, the tree huggers weren't going to trade their Birkenstocks for a pair of jump boots and the neo-con were finding every loophole that they could to not go.
I flat knew that I was expendable to them. Still, like boxing has been for me, it was well worth the risk. After all, I wouldn't have met my SFC had I not served my country ...
Oh, and another thing about the lies that the Neo Cons tell that the lies that differs from the left tell, is that the lefts doesn't get get my conspiracy V 3.0 program going, like the Neo Cons do. I mean, I cannot repeat enough, how much someone lying to me will make me stop right where I am, and go the other way.
LET'S TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
For instance, I can cop to most of the crap things I have done and I can be called bad names as well. Big whoop. I don't put it out there because I want to use that as a warning to anyone, so that when I screw you over I can say that 'hey, I am what I am'. Because letting you know what I once was capable of is only part of the reason I do it.
I haven't ever forgotten what I wanted to be in a relationship. Ever. The rest of that story is that I also tell what I hope to be with someone and with that, I will tell them some of the things that I know that will cause fail to occur in our relationship. Some of those discoveries have been hard learned, and came at a cost. Thing about it, is that I postulate, that if someone is willing to help me be a better person to them, then I figure it would mean I am a better person for myself. The 'dying for each other' is supposed to go both ways. Hopefully, will be understanding and forgiving to each other as we negotiate thru our lives committed to each other.
When I went to pick up my 'script for my high blood pressure, I did the free blood pressure machine. It was a good reading, 101 over 63. I am really going to have to get one of my own, because who really knows how accurate the ones at Meijer's and CVS really are. But those are way good numbers and I can live with that.
There was a sign there, and it talked about the 'what ifs' to having a stroke and its effects on the brain, the body. Memory loss, balance problems, paralysis, DEATH ... okay, I get it. If I don't take my medicine, I could be in trouble.
When I come back to why I wanted to and scoped out what was there for me out west, I keep thinking how I didn't want to become a hassle for anyone, period. I also felt that I would be more able to manage the total environment and whatever 'unknown, unknowns' that came from being out there.
For instance, sitting here pondering my change in format, to put things in a 'series' is a way I have decided to cope with what is GOING TO GO ON with me. Last week was all about finding my balance and coming back to 'my happy place'. I don't know how anyone can expect anything good to happen when they aren't even thinking that what good is there to occur in their lives. It is kind of like 'The Three Stooges' from Beth's entry ... I mean, they are cool with all their things. Does anyone who life is about the problems that aren't being addressed, think that they really give a hoot? I mean, THEY ARE LYING to you ... and that isn't just me spouting off, that is the TRUTH.
They keep people frightened, that the proposal changes is somehow bad for them. The irony of the dunderheads Katy and Joe, is that either they would meet the $250k threshold or THEY ARE DELIBERATELY LYING TO FOLKS AS WELL. This isn't to say that the left is totally correct in their solution, but it is an option to the status quo, which isn't working ...
... back on track, now. I do expect good things to happen for me, because I will do the necessary hard work to allow for them to happen. But to be able to allow for someone to come into my life and be close to me, is a concept that was falling out of favour in these parts. The way I connect the health care to my current tack, is that when you aren't thinking for yourself and trying to find out why a different point of view doesn't agree with yours, you do yourself a disservice. You have what I call, a CRITICAL THINKING APPARATUS, a CTA, i.e. , a BRAIN. Repeating things that people tell you and sounds is a set up for failure.
You can observe the good things about me. But I have to be honest about the things you don't see. Not only do I let folks know, when it comes with girls there is are caveats.
For instance, if you threaten me with violence, be prepared to defend yourself, FOR REAL. If you bring in a third party to hurt me, I will determine what will be a 'final solution' for YOU.
I believe in finding the best direction for the entire relationship. If something calls for me to 'take one for the team', I can do it. But it doesn't mean I am going to be a patsy. I know that the episode that Nebraska had brought up, the one I mentioned about Mookie leaving me to babysit while she went to Vegas was a partial play on that. It was also one of the reason I decided to leave her, and why I did it when I did. The team needed to be broken up.
So if you take advantage of that, then that is grounds for termination. And either you are going to be 'in it to win' or you aren't. You shouldn't have to make a habit of saying 'this or that' is what you gave up or sacrificed. That is a personal decision that you have to make for yourself. If you recognize that someone is crapping on you in a relationship, then YOU have do something to change the results. If you keep doing what brings you the same thing, then when do you take responsibility for you part in this? The other person has already let you know by their actions, what they have for you.
So if making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship is making you feel like a under appreciated patsy, then that IS what you are. When I felt that the lessons I needed to learn with Mookie had concluded, I got the hell out. No need to worry or gnash my teeth about her. I didn't do that with My Delta Girl ... and FOR SURE didn't do that with my ex wife.
And again, I will repeat the thinking that is behind me being as up front as I can. Yes Janice, there are PLENTY of skeletons in my closet. Help me WITH dealing with them instead of letting them take the win away from US.
I want to have figured out the lesson I had to learn and move on to bigger and more promising things. Like the birthday I have coming up in a few weeks. Anywho, that is it for now ... not like this hasn't been enough!!
First, a journal that is a really good read, IS LON'S JOURNAL, REFLECTION. This particular entry called to mind of what I had hoped would be an 'ESPN Sports Center highlight' for me and my girls. That it is as unlikely to happen as ever, doesn't bother me as much as you think. Still too much to live for to be worried about the things that may never happen. After all, you never really know how things will work themselves out.
Then BETH'S ENTRY ABOUT HEALTH CARE really grabbed my attention. I tried to leave a comment on it, but there was a confluence of obscure, from way out there thoughts, that were jumbling up in my head. So I thought I would take a crack at it here in my own spot.
Liberals are whiners and they are as full of crap as the right wing cats. But the illusion that they are working for a social good is part of what allows them to act in their suppression of the great underclass. I do feel they want things to be done with a sniff of superiority and a 'just because I think it is right, you ignoramus' kind of attitude. Never mind that they are a-holes too. They aren't going to trade in their lifestyle that allows for their overpriced hybrid vehicles, the free trade coffee they drink, or that crap organic food that comes from China and is a load of bollocks when they talk about how much healthier it is for you.
Not to mention the crap holistic 'we are all one body' garbage they talk about not eating meat. As soon as they come up with a reason why I shouldn't you my incisors for ripping into a good piece of cow or pig, beyond the soul thing (because that is where their particular hypocrisy begins for me) that 'Space Boy' and 'Moon Girl' talk about. Yeah, whatever. I like what Agent Smith called mankind in the Matrix, liking us as a 'virus'. WE are the only living being that need to bend and corrupt nature for us to live ... regardless to its effect on ANY OTHER ORAGNISM, including us.
The folks that Beth mentioned in this particular entry, are liars. Pure and simple. Russ, Newt, and stupid-a** Sarah Palin (I am sorry, but she should really shut up. She has never met a topic she couldn't mangle into a incoherent babble.) Along with that Katy girl and her view on the health care and dumb Joe the plumber, she makes no sense.
And mentioning Katy and Joe ... you will see the big problem that I have with the some of the conservative 'reg'lar folks'. They are intellectually incurious to the topics they are upset about. With the folks on the front lines telling them lies, what it means to me, is that they are stupid. For real. It isn't like they can make a comment that came from their own mind. They simply parrot what they hear from people that they trust. And like having friends who screw you over, whenever I am behind someone based on a lie that they are telling me, I get from being behind them.
For instance, not only did I warn my Army Sister that she could find herself in a crap place for a crap reason, like going to Iraq, I HAD to go somewhere for a crap reason. But I knew it, and I am glad that the Gov't had a cat like me to send. Period, end of story. After all, the tree huggers weren't going to trade their Birkenstocks for a pair of jump boots and the neo-con were finding every loophole that they could to not go.
I flat knew that I was expendable to them. Still, like boxing has been for me, it was well worth the risk. After all, I wouldn't have met my SFC had I not served my country ...
Oh, and another thing about the lies that the Neo Cons tell that the lies that differs from the left tell, is that the lefts doesn't get get my conspiracy V 3.0 program going, like the Neo Cons do. I mean, I cannot repeat enough, how much someone lying to me will make me stop right where I am, and go the other way.
LET'S TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS
For instance, I can cop to most of the crap things I have done and I can be called bad names as well. Big whoop. I don't put it out there because I want to use that as a warning to anyone, so that when I screw you over I can say that 'hey, I am what I am'. Because letting you know what I once was capable of is only part of the reason I do it.
I haven't ever forgotten what I wanted to be in a relationship. Ever. The rest of that story is that I also tell what I hope to be with someone and with that, I will tell them some of the things that I know that will cause fail to occur in our relationship. Some of those discoveries have been hard learned, and came at a cost. Thing about it, is that I postulate, that if someone is willing to help me be a better person to them, then I figure it would mean I am a better person for myself. The 'dying for each other' is supposed to go both ways. Hopefully, will be understanding and forgiving to each other as we negotiate thru our lives committed to each other.
When I went to pick up my 'script for my high blood pressure, I did the free blood pressure machine. It was a good reading, 101 over 63. I am really going to have to get one of my own, because who really knows how accurate the ones at Meijer's and CVS really are. But those are way good numbers and I can live with that.
There was a sign there, and it talked about the 'what ifs' to having a stroke and its effects on the brain, the body. Memory loss, balance problems, paralysis, DEATH ... okay, I get it. If I don't take my medicine, I could be in trouble.
When I come back to why I wanted to and scoped out what was there for me out west, I keep thinking how I didn't want to become a hassle for anyone, period. I also felt that I would be more able to manage the total environment and whatever 'unknown, unknowns' that came from being out there.
For instance, sitting here pondering my change in format, to put things in a 'series' is a way I have decided to cope with what is GOING TO GO ON with me. Last week was all about finding my balance and coming back to 'my happy place'. I don't know how anyone can expect anything good to happen when they aren't even thinking that what good is there to occur in their lives. It is kind of like 'The Three Stooges' from Beth's entry ... I mean, they are cool with all their things. Does anyone who life is about the problems that aren't being addressed, think that they really give a hoot? I mean, THEY ARE LYING to you ... and that isn't just me spouting off, that is the TRUTH.
They keep people frightened, that the proposal changes is somehow bad for them. The irony of the dunderheads Katy and Joe, is that either they would meet the $250k threshold or THEY ARE DELIBERATELY LYING TO FOLKS AS WELL. This isn't to say that the left is totally correct in their solution, but it is an option to the status quo, which isn't working ...
... back on track, now. I do expect good things to happen for me, because I will do the necessary hard work to allow for them to happen. But to be able to allow for someone to come into my life and be close to me, is a concept that was falling out of favour in these parts. The way I connect the health care to my current tack, is that when you aren't thinking for yourself and trying to find out why a different point of view doesn't agree with yours, you do yourself a disservice. You have what I call, a CRITICAL THINKING APPARATUS, a CTA, i.e. , a BRAIN. Repeating things that people tell you and sounds is a set up for failure.
You can observe the good things about me. But I have to be honest about the things you don't see. Not only do I let folks know, when it comes with girls there is are caveats.
For instance, if you threaten me with violence, be prepared to defend yourself, FOR REAL. If you bring in a third party to hurt me, I will determine what will be a 'final solution' for YOU.
I believe in finding the best direction for the entire relationship. If something calls for me to 'take one for the team', I can do it. But it doesn't mean I am going to be a patsy. I know that the episode that Nebraska had brought up, the one I mentioned about Mookie leaving me to babysit while she went to Vegas was a partial play on that. It was also one of the reason I decided to leave her, and why I did it when I did. The team needed to be broken up.
So if you take advantage of that, then that is grounds for termination. And either you are going to be 'in it to win' or you aren't. You shouldn't have to make a habit of saying 'this or that' is what you gave up or sacrificed. That is a personal decision that you have to make for yourself. If you recognize that someone is crapping on you in a relationship, then YOU have do something to change the results. If you keep doing what brings you the same thing, then when do you take responsibility for you part in this? The other person has already let you know by their actions, what they have for you.
So if making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship is making you feel like a under appreciated patsy, then that IS what you are. When I felt that the lessons I needed to learn with Mookie had concluded, I got the hell out. No need to worry or gnash my teeth about her. I didn't do that with My Delta Girl ... and FOR SURE didn't do that with my ex wife.
And again, I will repeat the thinking that is behind me being as up front as I can. Yes Janice, there are PLENTY of skeletons in my closet. Help me WITH dealing with them instead of letting them take the win away from US.
I want to have figured out the lesson I had to learn and move on to bigger and more promising things. Like the birthday I have coming up in a few weeks. Anywho, that is it for now ... not like this hasn't been enough!!
Saturday, August 22, 2009
THE DEATH STAR: Last 'My Boy Tommy' entry
ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN
Think I have explained enough about how despite being as atheletic as a kid can be, I didn't get picked for pick up games. This led to not being able to socialize with the neighborhood folks who would steer cats into organized team sports. Other than playing hockey as a pee-wee and a summer of hardball in jr. high, I couldn't find a spot on in the team games.
My 'Confidence Aunt', the one who finally got me to understand how to look at myself with an objective eye and not worry about what other people thought they 'saw' when they saw me, was a boxing fan. Not only did she watch the big fights that people made a fuss over (note to all y'all ... the KNOCKOUT KING Randall Bailey fights for a title NEXT FRIDAY on ESPN 2... try to watch and DON'T BLINK!!) either. No just because it is a Tyson fight spectacle, or because Oscar De La Hoya is cute ... she liked boxing the way Donna enjoys hockey. It was close to being a passion for her.
She followed local amateur boxing as well as the pro scene. Did have an uncle that was a top flight middleweight in the early 80's before fate reached up and the streets consumed him. This is where I would catch Tommy Hearns and his spindly frame trying to hurt someone!
As an amateur, he wasn't a knockout puncher. Not going to get all technical as to why, but I think he won well over 150 bouts with only like 15 knockouts. This isn't to say that he didn't hit hard, because he did.
And he had that sweet style, flicking out punches with his left hand purposely held low. Couldn't fight through everyone to get a chance at the 1976 Olympic team, which along with the 1984 team, produced a load of world champions and a couple of all-time greats.
Didn't mean that the cats who didn't make the team wouldn't have good careers. Along with Tommy, Aaron Pryor was a fighter who could say was jobbed out of a slot. He beat Tommy, Ray, Howard Davis, Jr ... anyone who was anyone from 132 to 139 lbs. But his story is a digression. I wanted to use him as an example of the depth of truly great boxing talent that era produced.
From sitting on the bench of my jr. high basketball team, I went to competing as an amateur boxer. And I found myself in boxing.
THE INDIRECT GIFT OF PARTICIPATION
Not that I was ever going to be lost to the streets, but boxing made sure to keep me from being in them. I am sure that it did the same for Tommy. Gave him confidence and a place where he could get lessons in being a man. He came from a single parent home and I think if he wasn't the oldest of multiple children, he was close to it. With Tommy growing up on the notorious east side of town, it would have been expected that he fell in and became a thug or worse.
But he didn't. He would find boxing and catch the crosstown bus to train over at Kronk. And what a career he had!
The two biggest fights of his career, Ray Leonard and his bout with Marvin Hagler, Tommy loss. But even in defeat, it can be argued that he took more out of his opponents than they did him. Not only did they incur the physical damage and scars from their matches but you can say they bore pyschological wounds as well. Neither Ray or Marvin fought much longer after their matches with Tommy. As for Tommy ...
After losing to Ray, he pulled himself together to fight and blow away Roberto Duran, the uber-macho Panamanian great. After his loss to Hagler, Tommy would find his way to the 160, 175, and 195 lbs. titles. He did not let his losses keep him from finding out how good he really was. And this was even with his weak chin. It didn't take a lot to get Tommy in trouble. That is primarily how both Ray and Marvin beat him as far as I am concerned. They survived him as much as they defeated him.
USING THE FORCE
After the twelfth round of their epic 'Showdown', Angelo Dundee told Sugar Ray after getting it handed to him in that round, that 'You're blowin' it, son!" That was the best round of the fight for Tommy. He had reverted to his 'Motor City Cobra' style of boxing and moving after getting hurt in the middle rounds. He boxed Ray's ear off!
With his left eye badly swollen (it would be discovered that he suffered a detached retina, possibly in this fight) and behind on points, Ray simply sucked it up and walked through and to Tommy to do what he had to do.
In the Hagler fight, so much was poured into those three furious rounds that it is hard to imagine that there was anything else other than just two of the baddest guys around, trying to knock each other out.
At some point in the fight, Tommy had ripped open some ugly cuts on Marvin Hagler's forehead and over his eye. The referee took a time out and had the doctor inspect the cuts. In my mind, it was there that the realization was made by Hagler, that defeat was right there waiting for him. He went out most directly and smacked my boy out of there.
See, that is why I have used 'the Death Star' as the way to describe beating Thomas Hearns, because you could beat the machine in 'Star Wars', but gee, was there a price to pay!! And there would be no other way for you to get the job done, because if you simply sat there, you were going to be overwhelemed.
It has been a very draining time around here for me. But rather give in to the 'whatever's' and the 'wowsy woo-woo's', I found myself watching this fight over and over again. I used it as a lesson yesterday afternoon with two of the teen boys that come thru the place. Thursday morning, I randomly was watching it, and it beat back some of the blahs that were reaching out for me.
I liked how Tommy was able to make himself a truly great fighter despite his losses. He beat up everyone else that was around and that was no joke.
The activities around here of last night and even in the early morning hours have only made me want MORE to go somewhere and be by myself. For two years, I thought that was what where I was heading and for a very good reason. Time to do some 'scope control' and see where I am going, if it things are indeed headed towards a goal I can live with.
Think I have explained enough about how despite being as atheletic as a kid can be, I didn't get picked for pick up games. This led to not being able to socialize with the neighborhood folks who would steer cats into organized team sports. Other than playing hockey as a pee-wee and a summer of hardball in jr. high, I couldn't find a spot on in the team games.
My 'Confidence Aunt', the one who finally got me to understand how to look at myself with an objective eye and not worry about what other people thought they 'saw' when they saw me, was a boxing fan. Not only did she watch the big fights that people made a fuss over (note to all y'all ... the KNOCKOUT KING Randall Bailey fights for a title NEXT FRIDAY on ESPN 2... try to watch and DON'T BLINK!!) either. No just because it is a Tyson fight spectacle, or because Oscar De La Hoya is cute ... she liked boxing the way Donna enjoys hockey. It was close to being a passion for her.
She followed local amateur boxing as well as the pro scene. Did have an uncle that was a top flight middleweight in the early 80's before fate reached up and the streets consumed him. This is where I would catch Tommy Hearns and his spindly frame trying to hurt someone!
As an amateur, he wasn't a knockout puncher. Not going to get all technical as to why, but I think he won well over 150 bouts with only like 15 knockouts. This isn't to say that he didn't hit hard, because he did.
And he had that sweet style, flicking out punches with his left hand purposely held low. Couldn't fight through everyone to get a chance at the 1976 Olympic team, which along with the 1984 team, produced a load of world champions and a couple of all-time greats.
Didn't mean that the cats who didn't make the team wouldn't have good careers. Along with Tommy, Aaron Pryor was a fighter who could say was jobbed out of a slot. He beat Tommy, Ray, Howard Davis, Jr ... anyone who was anyone from 132 to 139 lbs. But his story is a digression. I wanted to use him as an example of the depth of truly great boxing talent that era produced.
From sitting on the bench of my jr. high basketball team, I went to competing as an amateur boxer. And I found myself in boxing.
THE INDIRECT GIFT OF PARTICIPATION
Not that I was ever going to be lost to the streets, but boxing made sure to keep me from being in them. I am sure that it did the same for Tommy. Gave him confidence and a place where he could get lessons in being a man. He came from a single parent home and I think if he wasn't the oldest of multiple children, he was close to it. With Tommy growing up on the notorious east side of town, it would have been expected that he fell in and became a thug or worse.
But he didn't. He would find boxing and catch the crosstown bus to train over at Kronk. And what a career he had!
The two biggest fights of his career, Ray Leonard and his bout with Marvin Hagler, Tommy loss. But even in defeat, it can be argued that he took more out of his opponents than they did him. Not only did they incur the physical damage and scars from their matches but you can say they bore pyschological wounds as well. Neither Ray or Marvin fought much longer after their matches with Tommy. As for Tommy ...
After losing to Ray, he pulled himself together to fight and blow away Roberto Duran, the uber-macho Panamanian great. After his loss to Hagler, Tommy would find his way to the 160, 175, and 195 lbs. titles. He did not let his losses keep him from finding out how good he really was. And this was even with his weak chin. It didn't take a lot to get Tommy in trouble. That is primarily how both Ray and Marvin beat him as far as I am concerned. They survived him as much as they defeated him.
USING THE FORCE
After the twelfth round of their epic 'Showdown', Angelo Dundee told Sugar Ray after getting it handed to him in that round, that 'You're blowin' it, son!" That was the best round of the fight for Tommy. He had reverted to his 'Motor City Cobra' style of boxing and moving after getting hurt in the middle rounds. He boxed Ray's ear off!
With his left eye badly swollen (it would be discovered that he suffered a detached retina, possibly in this fight) and behind on points, Ray simply sucked it up and walked through and to Tommy to do what he had to do.
In the Hagler fight, so much was poured into those three furious rounds that it is hard to imagine that there was anything else other than just two of the baddest guys around, trying to knock each other out.
At some point in the fight, Tommy had ripped open some ugly cuts on Marvin Hagler's forehead and over his eye. The referee took a time out and had the doctor inspect the cuts. In my mind, it was there that the realization was made by Hagler, that defeat was right there waiting for him. He went out most directly and smacked my boy out of there.
See, that is why I have used 'the Death Star' as the way to describe beating Thomas Hearns, because you could beat the machine in 'Star Wars', but gee, was there a price to pay!! And there would be no other way for you to get the job done, because if you simply sat there, you were going to be overwhelemed.
It has been a very draining time around here for me. But rather give in to the 'whatever's' and the 'wowsy woo-woo's', I found myself watching this fight over and over again. I used it as a lesson yesterday afternoon with two of the teen boys that come thru the place. Thursday morning, I randomly was watching it, and it beat back some of the blahs that were reaching out for me.
I liked how Tommy was able to make himself a truly great fighter despite his losses. He beat up everyone else that was around and that was no joke.
The activities around here of last night and even in the early morning hours have only made me want MORE to go somewhere and be by myself. For two years, I thought that was what where I was heading and for a very good reason. Time to do some 'scope control' and see where I am going, if it things are indeed headed towards a goal I can live with.
Friday, August 21, 2009
MORE FROM THE MIND THAT GAVE YOU 'MY BOY TOMMY'
NOW I KNOW WHY THEY ARE CALLED, 'THE HILLS'
I left something out of my last entry ... I wanted to mention how odd that I was girding up to be confronted by that cat and the nurses would later ask if I needed help walking the few steps that I had to go.
Don't know if this is a psych job, but I blamed that on minor fatigue from riding my bike. I never had thought about taking 8 mile road, because I lived closer to 7 mile, and would scoot up it to Grand River, then off to the races.
When I go places, it seems to be on the routes that I have always gone to them on. Even with the 'new' places since I have been back home. I go the same route, listening to David Byrne's hypnotic voice telling me 'same as it ever was' over and over.
Doesn't mean I won't try a new route to somewhere for the hell of it. And that is what this part of my Thursday journey was.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO TALLY HALL?
Before they were a way cool band, Tally Hall used to be one of my favourite places, like ever!! It was a part of Loehman's Square out in Farmington Hills. I don't know what it is called now, and I can only think of it as 'Tally Hall'. So let's tally ho, to Tally Hall.
I continued up Grand River to Farmington Road. Never you mind that my turn was Orchard Lake ... it obviously slipped my mind, thank you very much!! Had I went up thataway, then that would be the end of this part of the story!
Going past the Civic theater, I turned north unto Farmington Road. Half a mile down, there is a nice little down hill and a turn ... into a steady and steep up hill climb. Had to get off and walk my bike a portion. Not that I don't think I could have done it, but I didn't want to mess with finding the right gear ratio and break teeth on the cranks.
There were several more 'up and downs', and I had to cross the street. I guess they haven't found the need to put sidewalk on both sides of the street out here. Had to cross and go on the side that was against traffic at some point.
I was coasting down a hill and could see a footbridge ahead. What I couldn't see until I was nearly upon it, was two yellow poles sticking up to do what? I have never understood why they put poles on sidewalks in that position. I mean, is anyone really driving on the side walks or something?
At the speed I was going, it was all I could do to slow down and not totally wipe out. Yes Mandy, I fell. But truly it was a mild spill with no one head cracking anything. A motorist saw me take my spill and offered to help me out. But I dusted off and told him I was fine. And I was, save a little scrape on my left elbow, so now I have them on both elbows, like I was 9 or something. When I look at the discolorations from the last few years on my beautiful legs ...
I kept going north on Farmington until my 'herd drive' was stopped
at the 'T' that Farmington made with Walnut Lake Road. Of all the 'Lake Roads' I am familiar with, this was a new one. Taking a deep breath, I rationalized. Since I can't go north, and I don't want to go south, that left a choice of going east or west.
Further west was more unknown stuff. East it was! And a mile down was once more, Orchard Lake Road. Turning south, I headed back.
Out in Bloomfield Hills on Orchard Lake Road ... now who works at 14 mile and Orchard Lake?? The woman for whom the 'ex List' was begun, the reason that there was a redux with Mookie and Nebraska was in play. The reason that I came up with the 'darkhorse' concept, to make this something that made more sense to me, and allowed for my SFC to come into my life, Tee Jay.
FOR JOE
Now, my man Joe Blessing is a cat who is caught up over his ex. But my thing with him, is that he should just know better. At seven months, he should be WELL over this chippie, and at the very list have some names on his 'depth chart' because the new season starts up soon, metaphorically as well as literally. Get over her, Joe. Get over Tina.
He had to go to a professional convention where he had to be in 'planetary proximity' with Tina. Now here I am in a similar although not as intimate a circumstance. I could have told myself that this was a sign, and it was a sign. A sign that I didn't know the where the hell I was going!!
And that included riding straight past where Tee Jay may have been working. I don't know her schedule and she could have been off, or gone home early. I don't know. But what I do know, is that stopping would have been to me, what passing was to Woody Hayes ...
See, in his football world, only three things could happen in his world when you pass the ball, and two of them were bad. In short, there was too much risk and not enough reward for him to do it. That is what worrying for about an ex has traditionally been for me.
We had a couple a dates, then her Mother spoke to me in a dream. Mookie Dee has sent me a few emails, and other than the first two, the others I have had no response for her. What more can you do with someone who by their actions have shown you that you mean less to them than the next episode of 'Real Housewives of Atlanta'?
Pul-leeze. I didn't have anything to say to her, as I didn't have anything for Tee Jay. The only reason I would want my wife to have seen Nebraska as the 'upgrade at the position' wasn't simply out of my ego. I still had my hopes that she could help me communicate better with my ex and Skye, since I have done such a swimmingly good job at it.
Had it been about just showing her off, the I wouldn't have even have considered it. The best way to show someone you are over them, is to be over them. Waste not a thought over someone who has hurt you up.
My stopping by to check on Tee Jay would have more than likely ended less than satisfyingly. What was there to gain? Was I going to drop everything if somehow she had magically 'seen the light' and was ready to give us a shot? How did she fit into my new sensibilities? Oh, did I mention that my SFC has a CCW? Not that it means anything, but I am jus' sayin' it is only an hour flight to Metro Airport and that Astronaut lady showed how determined a military minded lady can be...
Sure, I could have said that this is a sign, and it was. A sign that I didn't know where I was!! Riding past where she worked was one of the easiest things I did that day. Went on to the TJ Maxx and while they didn't have what I was looking for, did score a nice pair of jeans, jeans shorts, two shoulder bags and six pair of socks all for under $45 bucks!
Now THAT was a 'shop-ortunity'! For real!!
NEXT: Finally, I get back into the fight in the round coming up!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
YES, I WENT AND HAD MY CRT SCAN!!
THE 'MY BOY TOMMY' SERIES
As regular readers know, this has been a tough, tough month on me. I went and got a CRT done, and will call Monday to see what's what, if there is a 'what' to be told to me. 'Anxious' is a perpetual state for me, as you may have inferred in previous entries. If you haven't, you may get it now.
My zip is 48227. Botsford Hospital is in 48336. Let me tell you boys and girls, that is NOT around the corner. I had plenty of time to get there, since it wasn't until 1600 hrs. . I was en route at 0900. And no Guinevere, I could no more have stopped myself than you could keep the sun from rising (after all, it rises for you!!).
I am in the immediate vicinity at 1030 hrs. Stop and get a breakie from Mickey Dee's, and I started writing out my thoughts. But since my actual day was pretty full, I guess I will let this story play out over the course of however many entries it makes, and give my poor little head some time off.
Part of why I wanted to get out there was to avoid the showers predicted for the area in the early afternoon. The rest was my very real anxiety. Not from the test or from what it may show, but that is part of the package, so you can take it or leave it. Not that my condition doesn't further aggravate it ... because it does. That accounts for many a sleepless nights for me.
There is a Dunkin' Donuts sort of on a diag from the hospital. I rode up there and did some more 'goat thinkin' there at around noon. The showers started rolling in, and I was nice and dry. I was staring straight ahead of me, where an attractive, slightly older (early to mid 50's) happened to sit. I say it like that, because I was there first! Her 'whatever' came in after her and sat down. He then turned around and glowered at me.
I stared right through him until he turned his butt around and sat down. He was a nice sized guy, 6'2 or even 3, and prolly my weight. But as wound up as I was (always am??), I was thinking about how I wouldn't let him get out and get to his car, do you think you know what I mean.
He turned around and went on with whatever he was going on with. Funny that I would be thinking like that, as you will later see. Even with the 'later', I still feel I could beat the hell out of just about anyone ... I don't think that will ever leave me, at least not until I am in my 50's!
At 1330, the jitters made me get on my Trixie and peddle up Grand River. I was no more than five minutes into the ride when thunder showers hit. I would be drenched in the ten-fifteen minutes that the rain lasted. Great.
Decided to go on to the hospital and do what I needed to do. Since most of the registering had been done by phone, I only had to 'sign here', then wait. Nurse led me to the waiting area, and I took a seat.
After awhile, a lady and her college aged daughter came in, and they struck up a conversation. If I could bottle why I am so easy for people to talk to ... I mean, more people say 'hey' to me than I think the average person. People feel comfortable talking with me.
When they left, an expat from Great Britain and I spoke about how the taxes was going to eat up the $33k the girl won on 'Deal or No Deal'. We had both commented on how it was cool to take the 'bird in the hand', because the 'dealers' offers has gotten lower. Turns out she indeed had the $500k in her case. Que sera. Still, she gets to have her dream honeymoon and put a down payment on her a new home. You go girl!!
The scan took around 5 minutes, give or take. No, they didn't take me any earlier than the scheduled 4 o'clock (thought y'all may be tired of the military time!!), which was cool.
When I left the hospital, the sky was clear. Since I was this far out, I had planned on going to whatever they call Tally Hall/Loehman's Square these days and hope they had a replacement for my bag. I like it, but it gets dirty because it is white and beige. Then there are a couple of fraying parts that annoy me. Very functional, and it would be neat if the TJ Maxx had another color.
Up Grand River I went to Farmington Road. And that is for another day.
NEXT: STILL GOTTA GET BACK INTO THIS ROUND, BUT BEFORE I DO, I DISCOVER WHY THEY ARE CALLED 'THE HILLS'!!
As regular readers know, this has been a tough, tough month on me. I went and got a CRT done, and will call Monday to see what's what, if there is a 'what' to be told to me. 'Anxious' is a perpetual state for me, as you may have inferred in previous entries. If you haven't, you may get it now.
My zip is 48227. Botsford Hospital is in 48336. Let me tell you boys and girls, that is NOT around the corner. I had plenty of time to get there, since it wasn't until 1600 hrs. . I was en route at 0900. And no Guinevere, I could no more have stopped myself than you could keep the sun from rising (after all, it rises for you!!).
I am in the immediate vicinity at 1030 hrs. Stop and get a breakie from Mickey Dee's, and I started writing out my thoughts. But since my actual day was pretty full, I guess I will let this story play out over the course of however many entries it makes, and give my poor little head some time off.
Part of why I wanted to get out there was to avoid the showers predicted for the area in the early afternoon. The rest was my very real anxiety. Not from the test or from what it may show, but that is part of the package, so you can take it or leave it. Not that my condition doesn't further aggravate it ... because it does. That accounts for many a sleepless nights for me.
There is a Dunkin' Donuts sort of on a diag from the hospital. I rode up there and did some more 'goat thinkin' there at around noon. The showers started rolling in, and I was nice and dry. I was staring straight ahead of me, where an attractive, slightly older (early to mid 50's) happened to sit. I say it like that, because I was there first! Her 'whatever' came in after her and sat down. He then turned around and glowered at me.
I stared right through him until he turned his butt around and sat down. He was a nice sized guy, 6'2 or even 3, and prolly my weight. But as wound up as I was (always am??), I was thinking about how I wouldn't let him get out and get to his car, do you think you know what I mean.
He turned around and went on with whatever he was going on with. Funny that I would be thinking like that, as you will later see. Even with the 'later', I still feel I could beat the hell out of just about anyone ... I don't think that will ever leave me, at least not until I am in my 50's!
At 1330, the jitters made me get on my Trixie and peddle up Grand River. I was no more than five minutes into the ride when thunder showers hit. I would be drenched in the ten-fifteen minutes that the rain lasted. Great.
Decided to go on to the hospital and do what I needed to do. Since most of the registering had been done by phone, I only had to 'sign here', then wait. Nurse led me to the waiting area, and I took a seat.
After awhile, a lady and her college aged daughter came in, and they struck up a conversation. If I could bottle why I am so easy for people to talk to ... I mean, more people say 'hey' to me than I think the average person. People feel comfortable talking with me.
When they left, an expat from Great Britain and I spoke about how the taxes was going to eat up the $33k the girl won on 'Deal or No Deal'. We had both commented on how it was cool to take the 'bird in the hand', because the 'dealers' offers has gotten lower. Turns out she indeed had the $500k in her case. Que sera. Still, she gets to have her dream honeymoon and put a down payment on her a new home. You go girl!!
The scan took around 5 minutes, give or take. No, they didn't take me any earlier than the scheduled 4 o'clock (thought y'all may be tired of the military time!!), which was cool.
When I left the hospital, the sky was clear. Since I was this far out, I had planned on going to whatever they call Tally Hall/Loehman's Square these days and hope they had a replacement for my bag. I like it, but it gets dirty because it is white and beige. Then there are a couple of fraying parts that annoy me. Very functional, and it would be neat if the TJ Maxx had another color.
Up Grand River I went to Farmington Road. And that is for another day.
NEXT: STILL GOTTA GET BACK INTO THIS ROUND, BUT BEFORE I DO, I DISCOVER WHY THEY ARE CALLED 'THE HILLS'!!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
BUT IT WASN'T THIS BAD, WAS IT?
FIRST, A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS
Heard about 'The Harlem Children Zone' on 'This American Life' this weekend. I thought about Alaina and reading this entry today seemed to fit in somewhere with some of what the 'Zone' is all about.
The cat who started the project, totally reimagined how we think of educating children. It was an amazing story, full of ambition and risk. It made parental involvement MANDATORY and the results were amazing. The children that started with the project were above standards that they can track results for. And the thing about that group, is that they didn't benefit from the pre-school program that those that are following them have gone thru.
Anywho, listening to it my thoughts were of Alaina and her work on the front lines of educating the youth. I like Alaina, I like her a lot. She reminds me of a couple of chicks that I went to high school with. Her music is not necessarily what I would go to sleep to, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were some songs she could appreciate on some of my playlists.
Then there is the teaching thing. Man, I wish that I had my folded-over books that I used to make in 1st and 2nd grade, thinking then I would grow up to be a writer! I also wished that I could be a teacher, always social science. All of that was with my dreams of either playing a sport and being a superstar, as well as President of the United States!
Back to Alaina ... I am very happy for her and Mr. Mischief. I did what I call 'rooting' for her for the reasons you can infer from what you have read, and because I like her. Period, end of story. There was a period where I lost sight of the boundary and in my enthusiasm, crossed over too far.
Like the hikers in Iran, it was my fault for not being careful and recognizing where I was. Period. See, I get boundaries. When you cross them, you get what you pay for.
Too bad not knowing where they were costs the hikers as much as it has. But don't you think they knew that BEFORE they slipped up and found themselves where they are now, what may have been at stake? You mean to tell me that they didn't have any clue to what may happen if they messed up? I don't think you go into that situation without ...
KNOWING THE ENVIRONMENT
I will have to tell her, the SFC that this hasn't been the best of months for me. In fact, I cannot remember the last time when I felt as I do now. I am glad that I did give props for how things were when thing were as I hoped they could be, you know? Mainly, because it is the same attitude that I am going to take to get through this.
This is where having someone 'care' about me gets sticky. Involved people can't separate and see things objectively. Stuff gets taken personally when it isn't about them. What can you say?
What can I say??
Of all the people that I have come in contact in the past five or so years, MJB is the only person who I could really imagine being able to identify with me. How she'd describe certain things, I could really nod my head and say, 'I know what you mean, girlfriend!' I don't think it would have offended her, because in my own way, I put up with the same deal. It may be of a fashion, but very, very close.
I don't complain, because some of what I am dealing with, seems normal. Looking at me, physically, you wouldn't notice (though Nebraska picked up on 'tricks' when she saw me and so did my NCOIC ...) or it may be taken for granted that I can keep going. This month has been very different for me. I have tried this week to get into my routine, but to no avail. I have been tired, and my thoughts have been even more scattered, slippery. The harder I try, the slipperier they feel.
There have been 'radom thoughts' posted throughout my journal, but right now, everything in my head is just random. One of my elementary school nephews is here and this morning, he was a life saver.
I made breakfast for him and my Uncle. I was kidding around with him, about now he had to make my breakfast. I got it together and was doing alright in making my omelette until somehow, the pan and the contents ended up on the floor. How that happened ..?
My nephew, all 8 years old, came rushing into the kitchen. Self-pity was lurking around, and I asked him, 'What am I going to do?' When you are trying to feel sorry for yourself, little questions have so much more meaning to them ... drama queen and fainting princess stuff. But when he answered straight away, "You are going to clean this up and make another," I was able to snap out of it. We cleaned up the mess, and I made my omelette.
For me, asking myself 'what are you gonna do?' is a gentle reminder to quit being a little bitch and get after my life. No, I don't feel well. No, I won't let what results be my ceiling, but the floor from which I climb from.
IMPERIAL THINKING
Perhaps my Mom wasn't a full memeber of the 'BMC', but it's influence is so great that it couldn't help but play a part in how my family was socialized. Since it is my story, it was a very feminine household. Sista girls and home boys have a very adversarial relationship. It always seem like it is the girls against the boys.
I think that too often that it happens in families, too. Details, details, but it comes down to where I think that the resentment of crap authors like Terry McMillian and the misguided 'you go girl' feelings of Oprah's rise made for a bad mix with my peeps. Growing up, because I was the oldest, I was above crap Jan's spell. But when I got home, things had changed.
They may have loved me, but I don't think that they liked me. Not because of anything I did, but it felt like the resentment Morrissey sung about in the Smith's song 'London':
You left...
Your tired family grieving
And you think they're sad because you're leaving,
But did you see
Jealousy in the eyes
Of the ones who had to stay behind ?
Jan has always been a vengeful, hateful c*nt (and I do mean that ... bring her from Florida so I can call her that to her face). Her jealousy and lack of discernable talent powered her as she manipulated the household. Doesn't it seem that is how it happens ... crap people moving into places to get other people to be crap too?
That this was the undercurrent in the house for years, I didn't let it keep me from 'doing me'. But when I was asked why I remained loyal to people, even when they may or may not like me, I never would tell them that is prolly something I learned in home. Just as there isn't enough space to unravel something that is at best mostly unrecallable, and at worst too dense and 'who gives a rip to matter'.
It comes down to where I care about people, even if they don't have the same level of emotions for me. I even like people who don't like me. When I was able to understand that about myself, I came up with 'Imperial Thinking', so that I could do the things that I think was best for me. No matter what, I have all the guilt that a Jewish Mother could lay on her son, so I don't get too caught up with that. I do think that people in the end, will act in regards to their own self interest, and what they think is best for and by them.
Being able to think for myself and what is best for me hasn't been something that I feel I have done all that well. When I came up with most of the seemingly surprise things in my life, it was after the unseen preparations being made so that I could do whatever I was trying to do. Since no one was going to 'have my back', I was going to give myself the support of a 'kingdom' and put the weight of 'the monarchy' behind me.
Besides, I was fully grown. The only thing worse to me than a whiny child, is the perpetually whiny adult they grow up to become. This also meant I had to try and get a grasp of my responsiblities and the fallout from being a coward about things.
I was glad that my nephew caught me before I slid off into that vat of crap. Thinking 'woe is me', I believe will get me into a worse trouble.
NEXT: 'Gotta get back into this thing' round!
Heard about 'The Harlem Children Zone' on 'This American Life' this weekend. I thought about Alaina and reading this entry today seemed to fit in somewhere with some of what the 'Zone' is all about.
The cat who started the project, totally reimagined how we think of educating children. It was an amazing story, full of ambition and risk. It made parental involvement MANDATORY and the results were amazing. The children that started with the project were above standards that they can track results for. And the thing about that group, is that they didn't benefit from the pre-school program that those that are following them have gone thru.
Anywho, listening to it my thoughts were of Alaina and her work on the front lines of educating the youth. I like Alaina, I like her a lot. She reminds me of a couple of chicks that I went to high school with. Her music is not necessarily what I would go to sleep to, but I wouldn't be surprised if there were some songs she could appreciate on some of my playlists.
Then there is the teaching thing. Man, I wish that I had my folded-over books that I used to make in 1st and 2nd grade, thinking then I would grow up to be a writer! I also wished that I could be a teacher, always social science. All of that was with my dreams of either playing a sport and being a superstar, as well as President of the United States!
Back to Alaina ... I am very happy for her and Mr. Mischief. I did what I call 'rooting' for her for the reasons you can infer from what you have read, and because I like her. Period, end of story. There was a period where I lost sight of the boundary and in my enthusiasm, crossed over too far.
Like the hikers in Iran, it was my fault for not being careful and recognizing where I was. Period. See, I get boundaries. When you cross them, you get what you pay for.
Too bad not knowing where they were costs the hikers as much as it has. But don't you think they knew that BEFORE they slipped up and found themselves where they are now, what may have been at stake? You mean to tell me that they didn't have any clue to what may happen if they messed up? I don't think you go into that situation without ...
KNOWING THE ENVIRONMENT
I will have to tell her, the SFC that this hasn't been the best of months for me. In fact, I cannot remember the last time when I felt as I do now. I am glad that I did give props for how things were when thing were as I hoped they could be, you know? Mainly, because it is the same attitude that I am going to take to get through this.
This is where having someone 'care' about me gets sticky. Involved people can't separate and see things objectively. Stuff gets taken personally when it isn't about them. What can you say?
What can I say??
Of all the people that I have come in contact in the past five or so years, MJB is the only person who I could really imagine being able to identify with me. How she'd describe certain things, I could really nod my head and say, 'I know what you mean, girlfriend!' I don't think it would have offended her, because in my own way, I put up with the same deal. It may be of a fashion, but very, very close.
I don't complain, because some of what I am dealing with, seems normal. Looking at me, physically, you wouldn't notice (though Nebraska picked up on 'tricks' when she saw me and so did my NCOIC ...) or it may be taken for granted that I can keep going. This month has been very different for me. I have tried this week to get into my routine, but to no avail. I have been tired, and my thoughts have been even more scattered, slippery. The harder I try, the slipperier they feel.
There have been 'radom thoughts' posted throughout my journal, but right now, everything in my head is just random. One of my elementary school nephews is here and this morning, he was a life saver.
I made breakfast for him and my Uncle. I was kidding around with him, about now he had to make my breakfast. I got it together and was doing alright in making my omelette until somehow, the pan and the contents ended up on the floor. How that happened ..?
My nephew, all 8 years old, came rushing into the kitchen. Self-pity was lurking around, and I asked him, 'What am I going to do?' When you are trying to feel sorry for yourself, little questions have so much more meaning to them ... drama queen and fainting princess stuff. But when he answered straight away, "You are going to clean this up and make another," I was able to snap out of it. We cleaned up the mess, and I made my omelette.
For me, asking myself 'what are you gonna do?' is a gentle reminder to quit being a little bitch and get after my life. No, I don't feel well. No, I won't let what results be my ceiling, but the floor from which I climb from.
IMPERIAL THINKING
Perhaps my Mom wasn't a full memeber of the 'BMC', but it's influence is so great that it couldn't help but play a part in how my family was socialized. Since it is my story, it was a very feminine household. Sista girls and home boys have a very adversarial relationship. It always seem like it is the girls against the boys.
I think that too often that it happens in families, too. Details, details, but it comes down to where I think that the resentment of crap authors like Terry McMillian and the misguided 'you go girl' feelings of Oprah's rise made for a bad mix with my peeps. Growing up, because I was the oldest, I was above crap Jan's spell. But when I got home, things had changed.
They may have loved me, but I don't think that they liked me. Not because of anything I did, but it felt like the resentment Morrissey sung about in the Smith's song 'London':
You left...
Your tired family grieving
And you think they're sad because you're leaving,
But did you see
Jealousy in the eyes
Of the ones who had to stay behind ?
Jan has always been a vengeful, hateful c*nt (and I do mean that ... bring her from Florida so I can call her that to her face). Her jealousy and lack of discernable talent powered her as she manipulated the household. Doesn't it seem that is how it happens ... crap people moving into places to get other people to be crap too?
That this was the undercurrent in the house for years, I didn't let it keep me from 'doing me'. But when I was asked why I remained loyal to people, even when they may or may not like me, I never would tell them that is prolly something I learned in home. Just as there isn't enough space to unravel something that is at best mostly unrecallable, and at worst too dense and 'who gives a rip to matter'.
It comes down to where I care about people, even if they don't have the same level of emotions for me. I even like people who don't like me. When I was able to understand that about myself, I came up with 'Imperial Thinking', so that I could do the things that I think was best for me. No matter what, I have all the guilt that a Jewish Mother could lay on her son, so I don't get too caught up with that. I do think that people in the end, will act in regards to their own self interest, and what they think is best for and by them.
Being able to think for myself and what is best for me hasn't been something that I feel I have done all that well. When I came up with most of the seemingly surprise things in my life, it was after the unseen preparations being made so that I could do whatever I was trying to do. Since no one was going to 'have my back', I was going to give myself the support of a 'kingdom' and put the weight of 'the monarchy' behind me.
Besides, I was fully grown. The only thing worse to me than a whiny child, is the perpetually whiny adult they grow up to become. This also meant I had to try and get a grasp of my responsiblities and the fallout from being a coward about things.
I was glad that my nephew caught me before I slid off into that vat of crap. Thinking 'woe is me', I believe will get me into a worse trouble.
NEXT: 'Gotta get back into this thing' round!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
THE VAN HALEN TOUR RIDER
MEASURE TWICE
There was a comment made about it out here in bloggerville (heh, heh ... I said 'bloggerville'!) about the infamous tour rider that Van Halen include in their contracts for their shows. I heard the reason why they put it in on NPR earlier this summer. Like most things that Paul Harvey wasn't reporting on, the rest of the story rarely if ever, was told about that clause.
The thinking behind it, sort of started something going on in my imagination. Let's see if I can make sense out of things and right coherently.
FIRST, I DON'T JOKE WHEN I SAY STUFF LIKE THAT
For instance, after I go out to purchase a newspaper and later, dinner at BK, I AM NOT GOING OUTSIDE. Dealing with my conditions are sometimes like eating one of Mama's chocolate out of her box ... like she told Forrest, you never know what you are going to get.
Have had better months. I feel like I have been slogging thru the days and I will be glad when things clear up. Getting that screwed up notice at the end of July was the start of things going awry. It really, really bothered me. The SFC had already set things up for me to fly out and get things done with her (makin' moves, makin' moves!!). So before I had my accident, my line was starting to get wiggly. Because I was really, really bothered.
The references to my coherency isn't a neat turn of words. It is more like a truism. I mean, IT HAPPENS. Then having what has shaped up as being a bad spill on my bike, has not made things any better for me. One of the reasons I separate my 'issues' from my 'conditions' is that there are things that were already a part of me. For instance, my paranoia. At least that is what I call what I feel. See, that was a 'issue' before it was a 'condition'. And that is something that is hard for me to let go of.
Being 'happy-go lucky' isn't as easy or as pleasant as it sounds. Reality is about perceptions. I think that I have mentioned that whatever has motivated me to do what I have done or will do, has 'come to me' as much as I sat down and thought up what I wanted my next action.
In the spring and summer of my life it was easy to follow the line from the Kipling poem, and 'risk it all on one throw of the pitch and toss'. The tragedy of young life being taken, is that there is so much to look forward to. The thought that all the chances and opportunity for someone is gone ...
... isn't as different as the life changing decisions that young people make each and every day. And then the consequences of their decisions have such far reaching reprecussions that it can't imagined what has been put in motion. Certainly, things are relative. But I hope I made my point. You take your chance with whatever it is you do.
LIKE ADOLESCENCE, THERE WAS A REASON THEY DIDN'T LIKE BROWN M&M'S
Been 'relative' out of my mind. The reason that humans have long adolescence compared with other animals, is because we aren't born with the information we need to survive in the world period, let alone the one that man has created.
Before Van Halen did their tours, there was a reason places like Topeka weren't on the stops for major tours. The reason that smaller, off-Broadway kind of towns weren't on the tour list was that they weren't used to the big productions of major bands and the details that had to go into them. Van Halen would have huge productions, and people could get hurt and maybe killed if things weren't followed as they directed.
The contracts would go out to the indvidual venues and the promoters. Unlike going to a major city, like a Chicago or St. Louis, where you could expect a certain professionalism and attention to detail, you couldn't do that in the smaller stops. So you would add 'riders' like that, to make sure that the contract was read in detail. If the band went in and saw brown M&M's in the bowl, then they would know that OTHER details didn't get done. It wasn't about prima donna's being prima donnas. It was about professionalism and safety. They took their tours to the medium and smaller places where it may have been 'alright' if certain things didn't get done 'dress right dressed'. For one of their concerts, it could have gotten someone killed.
When I heard that story, I thought about Michael Jackson and that Pepsi Commercial. Would it have happened if someone had insisted that they have Coke on the set instead of Pepsi, not to be jerks but to make sure that people had paid attention to detail? Come on, don't you wonder about that NOW, since that was the reason given to why he became addicted to pain killers?
IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T CARE ...
Because if I did, I would be back doing my impression of Tigger. I care about things, but I can't let them matter more to me than caring about myself. Period. Not being a spring chicken, with issues regarding conditions and conditions that affect my issues, I want to be in a calm, rational state of mind. Today, I am not in that state of mind.
It sort of worries me, because I tend to wonder if this is the start of something else. Struggling with what is next, and 'pondering life's complexities', has been the start of this particular turn for me. I wonder if it has to be this difficult to where I want to go?
Apparently, it does.
There was a comment made about it out here in bloggerville (heh, heh ... I said 'bloggerville'!) about the infamous tour rider that Van Halen include in their contracts for their shows. I heard the reason why they put it in on NPR earlier this summer. Like most things that Paul Harvey wasn't reporting on, the rest of the story rarely if ever, was told about that clause.
The thinking behind it, sort of started something going on in my imagination. Let's see if I can make sense out of things and right coherently.
FIRST, I DON'T JOKE WHEN I SAY STUFF LIKE THAT
For instance, after I go out to purchase a newspaper and later, dinner at BK, I AM NOT GOING OUTSIDE. Dealing with my conditions are sometimes like eating one of Mama's chocolate out of her box ... like she told Forrest, you never know what you are going to get.
Have had better months. I feel like I have been slogging thru the days and I will be glad when things clear up. Getting that screwed up notice at the end of July was the start of things going awry. It really, really bothered me. The SFC had already set things up for me to fly out and get things done with her (makin' moves, makin' moves!!). So before I had my accident, my line was starting to get wiggly. Because I was really, really bothered.
The references to my coherency isn't a neat turn of words. It is more like a truism. I mean, IT HAPPENS. Then having what has shaped up as being a bad spill on my bike, has not made things any better for me. One of the reasons I separate my 'issues' from my 'conditions' is that there are things that were already a part of me. For instance, my paranoia. At least that is what I call what I feel. See, that was a 'issue' before it was a 'condition'. And that is something that is hard for me to let go of.
Being 'happy-go lucky' isn't as easy or as pleasant as it sounds. Reality is about perceptions. I think that I have mentioned that whatever has motivated me to do what I have done or will do, has 'come to me' as much as I sat down and thought up what I wanted my next action.
In the spring and summer of my life it was easy to follow the line from the Kipling poem, and 'risk it all on one throw of the pitch and toss'. The tragedy of young life being taken, is that there is so much to look forward to. The thought that all the chances and opportunity for someone is gone ...
... isn't as different as the life changing decisions that young people make each and every day. And then the consequences of their decisions have such far reaching reprecussions that it can't imagined what has been put in motion. Certainly, things are relative. But I hope I made my point. You take your chance with whatever it is you do.
LIKE ADOLESCENCE, THERE WAS A REASON THEY DIDN'T LIKE BROWN M&M'S
Been 'relative' out of my mind. The reason that humans have long adolescence compared with other animals, is because we aren't born with the information we need to survive in the world period, let alone the one that man has created.
Before Van Halen did their tours, there was a reason places like Topeka weren't on the stops for major tours. The reason that smaller, off-Broadway kind of towns weren't on the tour list was that they weren't used to the big productions of major bands and the details that had to go into them. Van Halen would have huge productions, and people could get hurt and maybe killed if things weren't followed as they directed.
The contracts would go out to the indvidual venues and the promoters. Unlike going to a major city, like a Chicago or St. Louis, where you could expect a certain professionalism and attention to detail, you couldn't do that in the smaller stops. So you would add 'riders' like that, to make sure that the contract was read in detail. If the band went in and saw brown M&M's in the bowl, then they would know that OTHER details didn't get done. It wasn't about prima donna's being prima donnas. It was about professionalism and safety. They took their tours to the medium and smaller places where it may have been 'alright' if certain things didn't get done 'dress right dressed'. For one of their concerts, it could have gotten someone killed.
When I heard that story, I thought about Michael Jackson and that Pepsi Commercial. Would it have happened if someone had insisted that they have Coke on the set instead of Pepsi, not to be jerks but to make sure that people had paid attention to detail? Come on, don't you wonder about that NOW, since that was the reason given to why he became addicted to pain killers?
IT ISN'T THAT I DON'T CARE ...
Because if I did, I would be back doing my impression of Tigger. I care about things, but I can't let them matter more to me than caring about myself. Period. Not being a spring chicken, with issues regarding conditions and conditions that affect my issues, I want to be in a calm, rational state of mind. Today, I am not in that state of mind.
It sort of worries me, because I tend to wonder if this is the start of something else. Struggling with what is next, and 'pondering life's complexities', has been the start of this particular turn for me. I wonder if it has to be this difficult to where I want to go?
Apparently, it does.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
DON'T PUSH ME WHEN I'M HOT
TIRED STILL
I have tried several times to read and leave comments to no avail. Even now, I feel worn down. Hard to explain what I have done to feel this way. Don't seem to 'travel' well.
Took the window seat there and back to make sure it wasn't the irrational fear of heights or the sensation of flying that was working me. Could be PCS from the fall on my bike. I was going at a pretty good clip when I flipped over my handlebars, and the stress from pushing myself physically with going to DHS and then getting together to fly out was so not the tonic.
Of course, the little here and there me and the SFC did, I felt that too. I didn't want to say anything, because everybody has their 'things'. I always assume that everyone is a hypochondriac. It seems that when I have something going on with me, that they want to sidle up and tell me their story ... thing is, WHO CARES! I mean, I don't complain because I want attention ... hell, that is why I don't complain!!
LET ME DO ME ... AND YOU CAN DO YOU
One of the reasons the chances that I will send a left hook your way if you have the temerity to hit me with that phrase, the 'let you do you ...', increases, is that I didn't ask 'your' permission to do me. When it comes down to it, I am going to make my own decision, with my idea of what is the best way for me to go about getting from point 'A' to point 'B'.
THAT is what made 'the Nebraska Concept' such a good one. At the top of that pyramid, was me taking care of myself as best I can, and being happy. The whole 'do I deserve love' and the entire companionship equation was not a necessary requirement of fulfilling my overarching goal.
Which is, to be happy.
Despite the ups and downs of my current residence, I am (was) pretty near happy. I was content in thinking that I was going to finally be able to live for me. Been a long time since I have really done that, and it has been the living with someone in my life, that the trouble starts.
That was one of the things about going out west that really appealed to me. I would be able to find my way, for me. Would not have to worry about whether or not anyone thought 'this or that' about what I was doing or where I was going. If the highlight of my day consisted of going to the mailbox and back, the SO FREAKIN' BE IT.
I aim to go to my clinic tomorrow, to see if I indeed suffer a concussion last week. Prolly should have done that when it happened, but c'est la vie. Billy Joel sang about it being 'My Life', and I agree. It is my life, and I don't necessarily WANT to be worried about me.
SORTA OF RANDOM ... AFTER ALL, IT IS A JOURNAL
So if it doesn't make sense, well, damn. Sorry 'bout it. But people like Katy here, just tick me the hell off. I saw this on Beth's Face Book, and figured she made a good post about it. Since she was pretty well spoken about her, I will just second what she said, and spice it up about the ignorance Katy displays.
Not interested in politics until now? I have been interested since Watergate, when I was what, 8 ... 9 years old? Doesn't know if her hubby is bringing in $250k? Oh, come on!! Trust me honey, you would know if 'Big Papi' was bringing in that much cheddar. Too busy for politics, busy trying to be a wife and a mother. Forget the concerned citizen that acts with an eye on the future of said interests.
This is the kind of subversive division that keeps people apart. How can she be that kind of ignorant, and still draw the applause that she does? Same thang with Sarah Palin. How do they do it?
We had 118 names wanting to be elected to the City Council here in Detroit. Had some felons, people of questionable character and identities ... *sigh* Man, I wish that I HAD done better in high school. Then I could have possibly become a responsible enough person to be a civic leader. Maybe instead of bitchin' about those who are in the race to make a difference, for whatever motive that they have, I could be runnin' with them.
THE TIME OF TIMELESSNESS
I don't really care for being on someone elses clock. One of the issues that I seem to have in MY LIFE, is that people other than the name 'Mark Johnson', wants him to do and act at their convenience. Often, at the expense of what ever plans or expectations he may have for himself.
Whenever I get whiny and weepy, the 'what ifs' always seem to begin with 'what if someone had let me do what I set out to do, before my objective and goals are reviewed and then changed by a second or even third parties involvement?' I have often thought that not having the single mindedness to see 'my thing' through has been a major fault of mine.
Each time I read or hear of someone triumphing against the odds, be it just old fashioned 'stick to it-iveness' or overcoming obstacles laid by an uncaring society, I wonder what the hell my problem is? I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything, and thought my Mom did as good as a job as she could have. When I look at major turning points of my life, I always find the shadow of a second person. Yet when I felt that I was 'rising' and on my path, there was only a shadow for company.
I am frustrated, because I want to get to where I INTENDED to go, and not just to a place that seem 'intended-like'. Been a good while since I have felt this frustrated, and with good, good reasons to be frustrated as well.
I have tried several times to read and leave comments to no avail. Even now, I feel worn down. Hard to explain what I have done to feel this way. Don't seem to 'travel' well.
Took the window seat there and back to make sure it wasn't the irrational fear of heights or the sensation of flying that was working me. Could be PCS from the fall on my bike. I was going at a pretty good clip when I flipped over my handlebars, and the stress from pushing myself physically with going to DHS and then getting together to fly out was so not the tonic.
Of course, the little here and there me and the SFC did, I felt that too. I didn't want to say anything, because everybody has their 'things'. I always assume that everyone is a hypochondriac. It seems that when I have something going on with me, that they want to sidle up and tell me their story ... thing is, WHO CARES! I mean, I don't complain because I want attention ... hell, that is why I don't complain!!
LET ME DO ME ... AND YOU CAN DO YOU
One of the reasons the chances that I will send a left hook your way if you have the temerity to hit me with that phrase, the 'let you do you ...', increases, is that I didn't ask 'your' permission to do me. When it comes down to it, I am going to make my own decision, with my idea of what is the best way for me to go about getting from point 'A' to point 'B'.
THAT is what made 'the Nebraska Concept' such a good one. At the top of that pyramid, was me taking care of myself as best I can, and being happy. The whole 'do I deserve love' and the entire companionship equation was not a necessary requirement of fulfilling my overarching goal.
Which is, to be happy.
Despite the ups and downs of my current residence, I am (was) pretty near happy. I was content in thinking that I was going to finally be able to live for me. Been a long time since I have really done that, and it has been the living with someone in my life, that the trouble starts.
That was one of the things about going out west that really appealed to me. I would be able to find my way, for me. Would not have to worry about whether or not anyone thought 'this or that' about what I was doing or where I was going. If the highlight of my day consisted of going to the mailbox and back, the SO FREAKIN' BE IT.
I aim to go to my clinic tomorrow, to see if I indeed suffer a concussion last week. Prolly should have done that when it happened, but c'est la vie. Billy Joel sang about it being 'My Life', and I agree. It is my life, and I don't necessarily WANT to be worried about me.
SORTA OF RANDOM ... AFTER ALL, IT IS A JOURNAL
So if it doesn't make sense, well, damn. Sorry 'bout it. But people like Katy here, just tick me the hell off. I saw this on Beth's Face Book, and figured she made a good post about it. Since she was pretty well spoken about her, I will just second what she said, and spice it up about the ignorance Katy displays.
Not interested in politics until now? I have been interested since Watergate, when I was what, 8 ... 9 years old? Doesn't know if her hubby is bringing in $250k? Oh, come on!! Trust me honey, you would know if 'Big Papi' was bringing in that much cheddar. Too busy for politics, busy trying to be a wife and a mother. Forget the concerned citizen that acts with an eye on the future of said interests.
This is the kind of subversive division that keeps people apart. How can she be that kind of ignorant, and still draw the applause that she does? Same thang with Sarah Palin. How do they do it?
We had 118 names wanting to be elected to the City Council here in Detroit. Had some felons, people of questionable character and identities ... *sigh* Man, I wish that I HAD done better in high school. Then I could have possibly become a responsible enough person to be a civic leader. Maybe instead of bitchin' about those who are in the race to make a difference, for whatever motive that they have, I could be runnin' with them.
THE TIME OF TIMELESSNESS
I don't really care for being on someone elses clock. One of the issues that I seem to have in MY LIFE, is that people other than the name 'Mark Johnson', wants him to do and act at their convenience. Often, at the expense of what ever plans or expectations he may have for himself.
Whenever I get whiny and weepy, the 'what ifs' always seem to begin with 'what if someone had let me do what I set out to do, before my objective and goals are reviewed and then changed by a second or even third parties involvement?' I have often thought that not having the single mindedness to see 'my thing' through has been a major fault of mine.
Each time I read or hear of someone triumphing against the odds, be it just old fashioned 'stick to it-iveness' or overcoming obstacles laid by an uncaring society, I wonder what the hell my problem is? I wouldn't trade my childhood for anything, and thought my Mom did as good as a job as she could have. When I look at major turning points of my life, I always find the shadow of a second person. Yet when I felt that I was 'rising' and on my path, there was only a shadow for company.
I am frustrated, because I want to get to where I INTENDED to go, and not just to a place that seem 'intended-like'. Been a good while since I have felt this frustrated, and with good, good reasons to be frustrated as well.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
FRIED, DYED, AND LAID TO THE SIDE!
JUST IN THE DOOR!
And another great experience ... got stuff done ('makin' moves' as someone would say!!), feeling pretty good about everything!
PAGING MR. DOBALINA
A Mr. Bob Dobalina. It isn't that he has two first names, Alaina. It is that they are THE SAME NAME. He was on my flight home today and I was the only one who recognized him!! Had I been able to recall anything that I thought she'd have said, I WOULD HAVE SAID IT. After all, I am a concerned citizen, aren't I?
Right now, I am too tired. Took the 125 SMART bus from Metro back downtown. And in another piece of bad allocation of either, funds, responsiblity or both, caught the #38 DOT back home...
The reason that something was wrong, is that we have a new transit center, or so the Germans would have you believe. A NUMBER of city buses can't use the new transit building because it doesn't have the freakin' capacity.
Why?!? Why aren't there enough spots for all the buses to use the new building, so that all the riders are shielded from the elements? Why can't all of the users of the bus, get a chance to sit down and be comfortable?
And why would my case worker call me TODAY for something that I called her on LAST WEEK. And since I called within MINUTES of her call, why didn't she pick up?
*sigh* I am back at my Pop's, and wore down. Took longer to get from the airport to the house than it did to get from airport to airport.
INTERESTING
Conversation with my last bus driver ... lived in both the D.C. Metroplex and in flyover country. Anywho, I am going to crash and perhaps get back out here later.
Peace, love and hairgrease!!
And another great experience ... got stuff done ('makin' moves' as someone would say!!), feeling pretty good about everything!
PAGING MR. DOBALINA
A Mr. Bob Dobalina. It isn't that he has two first names, Alaina. It is that they are THE SAME NAME. He was on my flight home today and I was the only one who recognized him!! Had I been able to recall anything that I thought she'd have said, I WOULD HAVE SAID IT. After all, I am a concerned citizen, aren't I?
Right now, I am too tired. Took the 125 SMART bus from Metro back downtown. And in another piece of bad allocation of either, funds, responsiblity or both, caught the #38 DOT back home...
The reason that something was wrong, is that we have a new transit center, or so the Germans would have you believe. A NUMBER of city buses can't use the new transit building because it doesn't have the freakin' capacity.
Why?!? Why aren't there enough spots for all the buses to use the new building, so that all the riders are shielded from the elements? Why can't all of the users of the bus, get a chance to sit down and be comfortable?
And why would my case worker call me TODAY for something that I called her on LAST WEEK. And since I called within MINUTES of her call, why didn't she pick up?
*sigh* I am back at my Pop's, and wore down. Took longer to get from the airport to the house than it did to get from airport to airport.
INTERESTING
Conversation with my last bus driver ... lived in both the D.C. Metroplex and in flyover country. Anywho, I am going to crash and perhaps get back out here later.
Peace, love and hairgrease!!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
THE INEFFIECNCY ... LIKE BURNING
AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT THEY TELL ME
About having 'the Clap'. Not 'a clap', but THE CLAP. It wasn't until Kool Moe Dee's 'Go See The Doctor' was explained to me that the understanding came. Ouch.
I woke up the before the crack of the day, because that is what I do when I am agitated. The difference between my waking up early because I am agitated and my waking up before dawn is about 25-30 minutes, give or take!
Grabbed my shower and headed up the road. Don't know how it is in y'all's town, but DHS here is a night mare. But really, I think that it is a special kind of something in the Motor ... wasn't a traumatic experience in the provincial town ... the despair there was just sad. Unfortunate. In Detroit, there is a smell and a taste to it. It is in the air and it sticks to the skin like a humid August afternoon, after a brief thundershower. You feel like you could wring the air of it and see it drip from your clenched hands.
Started west on Plymouth and headed for the 48239. I couldn't 'picture' where they'd be located, because I didn't see any office buildings or places where I would think that would accommodate the DHS needs. But there is a nearly empty shopping center, with a sad and lonely CVS at the corner that crosses Plymouth at Inkster, and the office shares a space with the bingo parlor.
It is neat, well lighted, and the crap cheap carpeting is new. I don't know how long this office has been opened, as there is only a very normal sized sign on the front overhang to indicate that there is ANYTHING in this part of the building.
Ten minutes early, the guard goes on and lets me in, unlocking the door. There is a Metro Times stand inside and I grab one. The cover story is about this lady who has had her three boys taken away from her by the State of Michigan. It is a tale that begs for more in depth story telling, though as for that, the story is pretty good.
I share links to that tale in more ways than one ... and that would be taking me off my stride, which I struggle to stay on. I do think how I would love to get some one's take on it ... wonder if the SFC would want to debate the merits of the actions taken.
Anywho, I am the only customer in the office. Going up to the ladies on the reception, I tell them that I got two letters, one informing me that my Medicaid was canceled and the other that I need to start reporting here. The latter question was the operative, as she ran my case # and found that even though I was in receipt of the notice, that my case hadn't been one of the cases transferred from the 48227 office. I would have to go there to resolve my case. Well, if it is now 0800, and that office is open, by the time I get there from here, the purpose of being 'first' will have been defeated.
Well, I had to get this done. Tomorrow is my 'fly out' date. I didn't want to be walking around thinking that I didn't have any coverage (yeah, NOW I know different, but I didn't at the time of receiving the notice) if something happened, like it did the other day.
Speaking of which ... one of the things about TBI, is that it isn't marked by pain or an 'incident may not even 'hurt'. The shock of being struck, even protected by a helmet as I was falling on my bike, is enough to provoke an episode of concussion-syndrome. I know that, in case anyone thought that I didn't. And it explains A LOT about the last day and a half.
On the way down Schoolcraft, which at this point was also the service drive for I-96, I see a cat in a wheelchair rolling east. He is heading for Telegraph Road and he calls out to me. I didn't actually hear him, because I ride with my walkman playing, but I caught enough of a sound and flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. He was trying flag me. I turned on one of the residential streets to circle back. He was hoping that I could ride ahead and get the bus to wait for him on the corner across Telegraph. It was due, and he didn't want to miss it.
"Not a problem," I replied. What was the five or so minutes spent waiting for the cat to wheel across the street and maybe even holding the bus for him? So I stopped and waited. The bus didn't come and he made it in time for him to wait on his on. But that wasn't the point.
He made it before a bus came around, so I waved and took off.
_____________________________________________________________
Pulling up to the office on this side of the tracks, is just as that sentence fragment implies. The gray, cheerless building reeks of the aimlessness of many of its customers, of which I am one. Yes Janice, each and every time, I ask myself if I am in here because I am OF the despair, or am I in here to utilize a government entity for its intended purpose. Whatever anyone would think, I come to the conclusion of 'who cares', and go on in and do what I need to do.
As I go in, a pair of older white (!?! HERE IN DETROIT AND HAZEL PARK OR TAYLOR!!) ladies are exiting the place. "Here, " one of them says handing me a ticket number. "I can't wait that long, maybe this will help you." The number was 56, and I put it in my pocket. When I went in to get my ticket the number I was given was 87. There count was on 22. "Good deal!" I think to myself. I can be patient and was committed to spending the day there. Getting the boost that I got meant that I would be out by lunchtime!!
I am not going to lie. It is sad, visited by the most luckless, pathetic people you would ever dream of seeing. These poor and ignorant women and their misshapen, unattractive faces and bodies defaced with tattoos. Or the 'exotic' hairstyles in their unnatural hues. That is why I have to wonder if I have indeed reached my level in life, because I am here.
Behind me, a young woman who bears a strong resemblance to Fiona, Shrek's lady love, had the nerve to question someone else looks in a phone conversation. "Is he cute?" I hear her say. "Is she even HUMAN?" If I was the cat she was talking about, THAT would have been my question.
Did I mention before the contrast for someone to see between the two areas I spent much of my formative years? The mindset and expectations are polar opposites. I think part of many black Americans struggle is a constant 'in here, but not OF here' feeling. There is something to escape in being a black American, that many don't want to admit. They mask their insecurity in denial and trying to behave 'white'. Or it is draped with a false sense (IMO) of black nationalism.
I have a bad 'who give a rip' gene that activates when someone insists on forcing an identity on me. Not only does what they think not matter, but I DON'T CARE anyway. No matter what someone pegs me as, I am sure that eventually they will find something out that surprises them. So what was the use of the rule, anywho?
Got the paperwork filled out (which wasn't an easy thing ... it was a mission!) to eventually be told that there was no change in benefit. My worker was moving my coverage between insurers, and that she should have sent THAT notice.
Stood with my legs opened and shook my BVD's out of my crack. Smiled and took my worker's number and walked out, light once again. I could rail on against the bureaucratic sloppiness, but I think Russ a long time ago left a comment about how bureaucracies 'thin the herd', or something to that effect.
He was right. Life has all kinds of obstacles for you to earn and prove your worth, for you to find out how much you want something. Once you get through something the first time, it will never again be as difficult any following time, especially if you take the attitude that you will get what you need done, done. And utilize things to the fullest extent possible.
Wow. And that was it. Pretty easy day.
About having 'the Clap'. Not 'a clap', but THE CLAP. It wasn't until Kool Moe Dee's 'Go See The Doctor' was explained to me that the understanding came. Ouch.
I woke up the before the crack of the day, because that is what I do when I am agitated. The difference between my waking up early because I am agitated and my waking up before dawn is about 25-30 minutes, give or take!
Grabbed my shower and headed up the road. Don't know how it is in y'all's town, but DHS here is a night mare. But really, I think that it is a special kind of something in the Motor ... wasn't a traumatic experience in the provincial town ... the despair there was just sad. Unfortunate. In Detroit, there is a smell and a taste to it. It is in the air and it sticks to the skin like a humid August afternoon, after a brief thundershower. You feel like you could wring the air of it and see it drip from your clenched hands.
Started west on Plymouth and headed for the 48239. I couldn't 'picture' where they'd be located, because I didn't see any office buildings or places where I would think that would accommodate the DHS needs. But there is a nearly empty shopping center, with a sad and lonely CVS at the corner that crosses Plymouth at Inkster, and the office shares a space with the bingo parlor.
It is neat, well lighted, and the crap cheap carpeting is new. I don't know how long this office has been opened, as there is only a very normal sized sign on the front overhang to indicate that there is ANYTHING in this part of the building.
Ten minutes early, the guard goes on and lets me in, unlocking the door. There is a Metro Times stand inside and I grab one. The cover story is about this lady who has had her three boys taken away from her by the State of Michigan. It is a tale that begs for more in depth story telling, though as for that, the story is pretty good.
I share links to that tale in more ways than one ... and that would be taking me off my stride, which I struggle to stay on. I do think how I would love to get some one's take on it ... wonder if the SFC would want to debate the merits of the actions taken.
Anywho, I am the only customer in the office. Going up to the ladies on the reception, I tell them that I got two letters, one informing me that my Medicaid was canceled and the other that I need to start reporting here. The latter question was the operative, as she ran my case # and found that even though I was in receipt of the notice, that my case hadn't been one of the cases transferred from the 48227 office. I would have to go there to resolve my case. Well, if it is now 0800, and that office is open, by the time I get there from here, the purpose of being 'first' will have been defeated.
Well, I had to get this done. Tomorrow is my 'fly out' date. I didn't want to be walking around thinking that I didn't have any coverage (yeah, NOW I know different, but I didn't at the time of receiving the notice) if something happened, like it did the other day.
Speaking of which ... one of the things about TBI, is that it isn't marked by pain or an 'incident may not even 'hurt'. The shock of being struck, even protected by a helmet as I was falling on my bike, is enough to provoke an episode of concussion-syndrome. I know that, in case anyone thought that I didn't. And it explains A LOT about the last day and a half.
On the way down Schoolcraft, which at this point was also the service drive for I-96, I see a cat in a wheelchair rolling east. He is heading for Telegraph Road and he calls out to me. I didn't actually hear him, because I ride with my walkman playing, but I caught enough of a sound and flash of movement out of the corner of my eye. He was trying flag me. I turned on one of the residential streets to circle back. He was hoping that I could ride ahead and get the bus to wait for him on the corner across Telegraph. It was due, and he didn't want to miss it.
"Not a problem," I replied. What was the five or so minutes spent waiting for the cat to wheel across the street and maybe even holding the bus for him? So I stopped and waited. The bus didn't come and he made it in time for him to wait on his on. But that wasn't the point.
He made it before a bus came around, so I waved and took off.
_____________________________________________________________
Pulling up to the office on this side of the tracks, is just as that sentence fragment implies. The gray, cheerless building reeks of the aimlessness of many of its customers, of which I am one. Yes Janice, each and every time, I ask myself if I am in here because I am OF the despair, or am I in here to utilize a government entity for its intended purpose. Whatever anyone would think, I come to the conclusion of 'who cares', and go on in and do what I need to do.
As I go in, a pair of older white (!?! HERE IN DETROIT AND HAZEL PARK OR TAYLOR!!) ladies are exiting the place. "Here, " one of them says handing me a ticket number. "I can't wait that long, maybe this will help you." The number was 56, and I put it in my pocket. When I went in to get my ticket the number I was given was 87. There count was on 22. "Good deal!" I think to myself. I can be patient and was committed to spending the day there. Getting the boost that I got meant that I would be out by lunchtime!!
I am not going to lie. It is sad, visited by the most luckless, pathetic people you would ever dream of seeing. These poor and ignorant women and their misshapen, unattractive faces and bodies defaced with tattoos. Or the 'exotic' hairstyles in their unnatural hues. That is why I have to wonder if I have indeed reached my level in life, because I am here.
Behind me, a young woman who bears a strong resemblance to Fiona, Shrek's lady love, had the nerve to question someone else looks in a phone conversation. "Is he cute?" I hear her say. "Is she even HUMAN?" If I was the cat she was talking about, THAT would have been my question.
Did I mention before the contrast for someone to see between the two areas I spent much of my formative years? The mindset and expectations are polar opposites. I think part of many black Americans struggle is a constant 'in here, but not OF here' feeling. There is something to escape in being a black American, that many don't want to admit. They mask their insecurity in denial and trying to behave 'white'. Or it is draped with a false sense (IMO) of black nationalism.
I have a bad 'who give a rip' gene that activates when someone insists on forcing an identity on me. Not only does what they think not matter, but I DON'T CARE anyway. No matter what someone pegs me as, I am sure that eventually they will find something out that surprises them. So what was the use of the rule, anywho?
Got the paperwork filled out (which wasn't an easy thing ... it was a mission!) to eventually be told that there was no change in benefit. My worker was moving my coverage between insurers, and that she should have sent THAT notice.
Stood with my legs opened and shook my BVD's out of my crack. Smiled and took my worker's number and walked out, light once again. I could rail on against the bureaucratic sloppiness, but I think Russ a long time ago left a comment about how bureaucracies 'thin the herd', or something to that effect.
He was right. Life has all kinds of obstacles for you to earn and prove your worth, for you to find out how much you want something. Once you get through something the first time, it will never again be as difficult any following time, especially if you take the attitude that you will get what you need done, done. And utilize things to the fullest extent possible.
Wow. And that was it. Pretty easy day.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
AND IF I HAD ONE, THAT IS WHAT I WOULD BE DOING!!
AND A GEAR SLIPS
Got the strangest note from DHS today ... my medicaid was cut. Says I make too much money. WHAT THE HELL!?!
Of course, the first thing that I do when after I showered and started off on my bike was take a spill. I didn't break anything, which is super good, seeing as I DID NOT KNOW as of yet that I didn't have anyone to pay for crap.
Moby did a decent cover to this song. But Mission of Burma is another one of those underrated bands that I liked, such as Television, that I don't think got their just do. This was the song that I like the most by them, and the one that came to mind when I got home.
It is easy to see where people's irrational anger comes from. Some arbitrary 'something ' comes along and knocks them for a loop. I hate dealing with the dehumanization that comes with the DHS. It is an adversarial relationship because they treat their customers like ADVERSARIES.
Now I have to request a hearing, and have them explain why I get too much money. Maybe they finally caught up to the paperwork I submitted to the job I had for two weeks and got ONE check from this year.
So I have been up all night, trying to get to sleep. I don't know what I feel, because there is turmoil in every sphere (I don't know if it is in each area of my life ... but I always wanted to find a reason to use that word as an adjective for something!!) of my life. Stuff keeps on happening, and it is happening to me.
Anywho, enjoy MOB. They do rock, at least to me!!
Got the strangest note from DHS today ... my medicaid was cut. Says I make too much money. WHAT THE HELL!?!
Of course, the first thing that I do when after I showered and started off on my bike was take a spill. I didn't break anything, which is super good, seeing as I DID NOT KNOW as of yet that I didn't have anyone to pay for crap.
Moby did a decent cover to this song. But Mission of Burma is another one of those underrated bands that I liked, such as Television, that I don't think got their just do. This was the song that I like the most by them, and the one that came to mind when I got home.
It is easy to see where people's irrational anger comes from. Some arbitrary 'something ' comes along and knocks them for a loop. I hate dealing with the dehumanization that comes with the DHS. It is an adversarial relationship because they treat their customers like ADVERSARIES.
Now I have to request a hearing, and have them explain why I get too much money. Maybe they finally caught up to the paperwork I submitted to the job I had for two weeks and got ONE check from this year.
So I have been up all night, trying to get to sleep. I don't know what I feel, because there is turmoil in every sphere (I don't know if it is in each area of my life ... but I always wanted to find a reason to use that word as an adjective for something!!) of my life. Stuff keeps on happening, and it is happening to me.
Anywho, enjoy MOB. They do rock, at least to me!!
Monday, August 3, 2009
I AM SOOO TIRED ..!
HOW LONG CAN THIS GO ON?
Getting up early is entirely separate from getting out on the road. Sometimes I sit and listen to morning edition or check out Guy Gordon and Karen Drew before the Today Show comes on. Sometimes, with the help or a little fatigue that has seeped into the very marrow of my bones, it is 8 o'clock, and I if I don't have anything to do ...
At the beginning of the month, I wanted to take full advantage of the good training that I did with my SFC, and I kept running and exercising at what for me, is a high level. Now, I try to keep my fitness on a training cycle similiar to the one that I kept when I was active. So that means I am one six or eight weeks cycles, and then I take a break.
Given the amount of work I have been doing, introducing new run routes as well as distances, I am sort of out of my rounds. Nothing detrimental, but still ...
Went out today, 'late' as I have been for the past few days to a week. In fact, my SFC gigged me about it, because she reminded me that I missed a couple of days of doing anything. But I write down what I do, and I did meet the minimum of four days of work. Still, I was feeling a little wore down.
I 'closed my eyes', and went on automatic. I have A LOT of things on my mind ... some of it has been difficult to process. That was another motivation to get out on the road.
THE RUN ITSELF
Did the short run today, but I decided to really see if I could push myself. I would like to get my mile time down into the 8-8:30 range, which means my 'Katie Holmes' goal of being under 4 hours for a marathon would be very doable. Another thing about running, is that it is really hard to run and think about down, negative thoughts. How can I think about non-solutions, when every step is about reaching the right conculsion?
The stitch in my chest is a indication that I am getting something out of it. Pain, discomfort is the price for anything worthwhile. At least that is what motivates me to making my run and getting the most out of it.
A short run, means that I am going to do a lot of interval training at the end. 'Interval Training' sounds better than sprint or speed work, because I am a lot of things, but 'fast' is relative to me and my times. Anywho, I went out and tried hard to burn out as I went up and down the street.
AND THAT IS WHEN THE FATIGUE POISONS KICKED IN
I love the feeling of nearly passing out, so I can't say that the crazy kids that play the 'choking game', aren't really experiencing something themselves. I mean I am seeing stars, and wobbling out in the middle of the street ... if a car was approaching, I couldn't have seen it. I would rely on my 'spidey sense' to get me out of the way. And given my track record with oncoming traffic ...
That is where I run the longer sprints that are a part of my workout. I mixed a few of them into the shorter sprints that I do, and I ran a bunch of those. Each time that I finished, I could feel my legs wanting to give way. A few times I thought I was going to pass out.
But it was training. What that means, is that I expect to have that happen and then push through it. Since I didn't pass out, it means that I could have prolly gone faster! So I actually feel a little frustrated, because I didn't go fast enough to be super fast or pass out!!
Near the end of each sprint, my body keeps on begging for me to quit. Yet because the body is a slave to the mind, I kept telling it 'one more' sprint ... then when I get that done, there is always 'just one more' to go.
I would get on a scale, but I don't want to risk being disappointed!! I mean, I look tighter, as well as feel it. Last time I checked it regularly, I was down in the low 220's ... no reason to think that I have ballooned up from there. Maybe I will get on this week, before I fly out, since it is on my mind.
STILL NOT RELATED
But 'this' and 'that' have been giving me the flux. I will deal with them later. Would rather take a break from 'my so-called life', and relax my mind and let my conscious be free ...
Getting up early is entirely separate from getting out on the road. Sometimes I sit and listen to morning edition or check out Guy Gordon and Karen Drew before the Today Show comes on. Sometimes, with the help or a little fatigue that has seeped into the very marrow of my bones, it is 8 o'clock, and I if I don't have anything to do ...
At the beginning of the month, I wanted to take full advantage of the good training that I did with my SFC, and I kept running and exercising at what for me, is a high level. Now, I try to keep my fitness on a training cycle similiar to the one that I kept when I was active. So that means I am one six or eight weeks cycles, and then I take a break.
Given the amount of work I have been doing, introducing new run routes as well as distances, I am sort of out of my rounds. Nothing detrimental, but still ...
Went out today, 'late' as I have been for the past few days to a week. In fact, my SFC gigged me about it, because she reminded me that I missed a couple of days of doing anything. But I write down what I do, and I did meet the minimum of four days of work. Still, I was feeling a little wore down.
I 'closed my eyes', and went on automatic. I have A LOT of things on my mind ... some of it has been difficult to process. That was another motivation to get out on the road.
THE RUN ITSELF
Did the short run today, but I decided to really see if I could push myself. I would like to get my mile time down into the 8-8:30 range, which means my 'Katie Holmes' goal of being under 4 hours for a marathon would be very doable. Another thing about running, is that it is really hard to run and think about down, negative thoughts. How can I think about non-solutions, when every step is about reaching the right conculsion?
The stitch in my chest is a indication that I am getting something out of it. Pain, discomfort is the price for anything worthwhile. At least that is what motivates me to making my run and getting the most out of it.
A short run, means that I am going to do a lot of interval training at the end. 'Interval Training' sounds better than sprint or speed work, because I am a lot of things, but 'fast' is relative to me and my times. Anywho, I went out and tried hard to burn out as I went up and down the street.
AND THAT IS WHEN THE FATIGUE POISONS KICKED IN
I love the feeling of nearly passing out, so I can't say that the crazy kids that play the 'choking game', aren't really experiencing something themselves. I mean I am seeing stars, and wobbling out in the middle of the street ... if a car was approaching, I couldn't have seen it. I would rely on my 'spidey sense' to get me out of the way. And given my track record with oncoming traffic ...
That is where I run the longer sprints that are a part of my workout. I mixed a few of them into the shorter sprints that I do, and I ran a bunch of those. Each time that I finished, I could feel my legs wanting to give way. A few times I thought I was going to pass out.
But it was training. What that means, is that I expect to have that happen and then push through it. Since I didn't pass out, it means that I could have prolly gone faster! So I actually feel a little frustrated, because I didn't go fast enough to be super fast or pass out!!
Near the end of each sprint, my body keeps on begging for me to quit. Yet because the body is a slave to the mind, I kept telling it 'one more' sprint ... then when I get that done, there is always 'just one more' to go.
I would get on a scale, but I don't want to risk being disappointed!! I mean, I look tighter, as well as feel it. Last time I checked it regularly, I was down in the low 220's ... no reason to think that I have ballooned up from there. Maybe I will get on this week, before I fly out, since it is on my mind.
STILL NOT RELATED
But 'this' and 'that' have been giving me the flux. I will deal with them later. Would rather take a break from 'my so-called life', and relax my mind and let my conscious be free ...
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