AT LEAST THEY'RE NO LONGER STIFLED ...

... AND NOW, MY FRIDAY NIGHTS BLUR INTO MY SATURDAY MORNINGS

One of the things that the ENTIRE Prof. Gates flap did, was fire up my conspiracy theory instincts ... WHAT are the folks in power REALLY doing?

You mean to tell me, that they don't have more pressing details to attend to, than some freakin' 'Beer Summit' between two guys who can't be any further removed from impacting on the fate of the country than these cats??

No really, what IS going on around here? Because from where I sit, the REAL debate is no longer about something as fickle as race, but of class. Not of your skin color or religion, but of econmic power and influence.

The debate I would have with the Fly Skimmie went as follows: like Prof. Gates, she has a little cash and some letters behind her name. Something happens to her, she may have to write some checks, have her ego bruised, and be inconvenienced. But me?!? Do you want to know what could happen to a cat like me??

Anything else in this flap is window dressing. The substance to the matter was that this was someone who had some heat, and he got treated like he was a reg'lar cat. Big whoop. I still remember the falling out with teenage Jan when our darling brother and cousin was followed home by the police ... why help them out, when they are going to do stuff ANYWAY.

Besides, I witnessed that it doesn't get any easier for whites in rural areas. Might get a few less truncheon swings, but that is about it. Police brutalization is still police brutalization.

Do not think for one moment that I could expect Mayor Bing to have a sitdown at Flood's where we get over problems with the occupation, oops, police force. No one gives a crap.

There are fewer rich folks than there are not rich folks. There are more poor folks than there are other folks combined. THAT is the problem, and it gets overlooked by crap like this.

After my rant, I am like so done with it. The issues that I want to see addressed, I think would eliminate most of what contributed to this flare up. Like super punk, Glen Beck.

CHICKEN HAWKS

I have tried to watch his show on Fox a few times. I think he gets a little incoherent, as I do at times, but I have extenuating circumstances. I wonder what is his problem?

Cats like him, Rush, W., and the Sith Lord Dick Cheney ... I insult them for the a reason similiar to why I will NEVER forgive my theiving nephew. Because when the time comes for you to answer a call, what did you do?

My nephew heard the CO 2 alarm ... AND WENT TO BED. Then he stole from me. Right.

The aforementioned conservative war mongers, when it was THEIR TURN to do what they will send YOUR SONS, DAUGHTERS, AND LOVED ONES to do, where the hell were they? Shamming off Nasty Girl duty and getting deferrments until the fighting stopped.

Look, I didn't have to go anywhere. It wasn't my only option upon graduation of high school. But it was a very good option, because I wanted to be of service to my country. I knew then, as I know now, that I loved America, and that I would never be able to show my appreciation for this land.

Were the leaders, the designers of the US strategy in Iraq familiar with service, I would gripe less about it. But that they RAN from the job that they would send YOUR LOVED ONES to do, bites big time.

It really does.

Racism, predjudice, sexism, and all of those things, ain't going to go nowhere. But it will get solved a lot sooner than the problems of opportunity, nepotism and cronyism that the elite classes (in a newspeak twist, the elite ruling class comprises of less than what, 3-4% of the total population? So when you hear 'elite' affixed to anything, who the hell are they talking about? They ain't no elites around here!!) use to keep everything to themselves. THAT, IMO, is where the problem really lies.

After eating a couple of Whopper juniors, drinking some grape Faygo, I could really care less about what some rich colored guy and some decently paid, but possibly questionable character for some campus police dept., at one of the world's best universities are doing.

Someone wants to do me a favour? Send me the $1000 bucks I need to get to Va., without straining my SFC out? Give me a scholarship to go to school ... I will figure out how to get books, pay for my classes. Who cares that the President had to sit in on two unapologetic buttheads (because neither said 'sorry' or back down from their view points of the incident. Did the White House really need to be the venue for that kind of stupid stuff? Couldn't they sat next to Norm and Herb and figure that crap out??)??

I know I don't. I care about what I mentioned. Because like I told the Skimmie, if have to be 'racially profiled', I wish they got my rich, best side! Not my broke, in need of assistance one!!

Anywho, hope y'all enjoy the weekend!!

FOR BETH

IF YOU WOULD LIKE, YOU COULD USE THIS POST

I tried to post a comment on your entry about Glen Beck the other day, but it would not take.

There was a response that a woman left I believe, to the effect of the officer was only doing his job and had Prof. Gates been more co-operative ...

... yeah, she REALLY read your entry. Because I am sure that your cousin was as 'cooperative' as his situation called for.

That was a very appropriate story for you to have shared. As a minority, the distance between 'normal' (or as normal as such as thing can be) and tragedy is a not as far, but the problem of the Gates incident was one of what happens when an asshole (yes, there is an 'language advisory' for this issue of 'Stars ..."!) has an outsized sense of importance and authority.

Campus Police. To me, it was the equivalent of the 'weekend warriors' coming to do their annual training. I have a better understanding now, but I think that the everyday soldiers have a little bit of resentment for the 'sorta in, sorta out' Reserves and Guard. Something about greater commitment, sense of duty and responsiblity. Besides, living it every day, you have more experience in your two years than a Reservist or Guardsman has in their four.

As a campus police officer, the responsiblities aren't the same as that of an actual officer of the law. He has some powers, and they elevate him above that of citizen. He can do things that you, gentle reader, and I can't do.

One, is walk around with a gun. Two, is place me in handcuffs and deny me my freedom.

Imagine, if you will, an elementary school or middle school child. What kind of authority does an adult represent to them? What kind of powers do they have over them. Schopanuer says, 'lest law and compulsion bind them', some folks are just going to be son's of bitches, no matter what.

Like the cat that hassled Professor Gates. Who, by his demeanor wasn't so big a threat. He was dressed for the environment, had KEYS TO HIS HOUSE, and did not LOOK like a burgular. The officer may have been called for one thing, but where in the world was his freakin' discretion? Do you treat playing with matches the same as sneaking some ice cream before dinner with your child? Hell, there are even degrees to that ... you treat matches like ice cream if your kid is a diabetic, wouldn't you? Still, you would like to think that the officer would know the difference between a threat to the neighborhood and someone trying to get into his own home. After all, isn't he paid to know the difference? Someone with police powers, also inherit the 'protect and serve' responsiblity that comes with being a part of law enforcement.

Who the hell was this cat serving?

THE DETROIT IN THIS SITUATION

Another journal that I read, is VERY black. I won't link it, for fear that it would offend some of your sensibilities. But I am going to try to help readers understand what the incident said to unspoken concerns about this new 'post racial' society.

First, I want to use Glen Beck as an example. Now that we are 'past racism', it is okay to throw that word out for use willy-nilly. It is not. We should not become desensitized to certain words and phrases. The Holocaust will always evoke THE HOLOCAUST, and same goes for Racism. There are some things that will always mean what they mean. In fact, his ramble and this incident pushed me over into the 'hate crime' attachment side of that discussion.

The factor that did it, was the dispatcher's INSISTENCE that someone of color, in this case Hispanic, be the reason for the caller's suspicions. There was the first sign of the potential damage of INSTITUTIONALIZED RACISM that minorities feel, and was possibly present in this case.

The danger of cats like Glen Beck spouting off with thoughtless comments, like Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, is that they fan the flames of hate and fear, and because it doesn't serve any constructive purpose, you have to think it is just to maintain and grow THEIR influence. The more they hate, the more you buy, and the more money and power they have.

Glen Beck doesn't give a fuck about you, this country or quite possibly his Mother. Yeah, I said it. Would walk on the set and take the beat down that would come after to say it to his face. What a fuck.

But within the black community ... if you THINK I am upset now, man, if the fellas on the blog that I spoke of was at a bar or a Denny's with this conversation, my head might explode!

Black people have such a problem with their own identity WITHIN their own group. Are you black enough?? To be honest, the genetic differences BETWEEN those in a group are of a greater measure than the difference OUTSIDE of a group ... talk about irony!

Many blacks argue that is what Prof. Gates deserves, marrying a white girl and moving out where we know they don't like black people (the Mass. Gov and the mayor nonwithstanding ... so do you get an understanding of the insecurity 'we' feel?), and instead of helping out 'your brothers' by taking your intellect to Howard, you go to lilly-white Harvard and get all that 'prestige' rubbed in your face.

Having been to an HBCU, that is soo much bullshit. Spike Lee came as close as anyone to the fake confusion of black college life with the movie 'School Daze'. The phrase, 'you can't win for losing' fits here.

It isn't that Dr. Gates should feel any particular allegiance to the black experience. He doesn't owe anyone anything for maxiumizing his opportunity at life and what door's life held open for him. To say that he got his 'just desserts' racially, is as wrong headed as the practice that blacks seem to revel in, in resenting those who dare to embrace a different culture. As if being drunk, high, having babies, and wearing our pants to show are shit-stained underwear is something to embrace. Oh, let's not forget the hyper sexualization of our women, making them modern day 'Hottentots' and the disrespect for anything that approaches fitting into a balance.

I could go on, because I KNOW I left something out. But if you don't get the point, then I can't help you. Maybe if I say that blacks have a LOT of self loathing to over come as a collective consciousness... One of the problems of intergration, is that it took things like Idlewild, and instantly made them inferior. The fine businesses and schools that were developed for blacks during Jim Crow, didn't just become out of step with the time ... white folks didn't get the chance to come and frequent them, because WE TORE THEM DOWN!!

We starved our own service industry. We abandoned our own neighborhoods, and when you say that something is bad long enough ...

My darling brother had problems in school. Mainly, it was due to the socialization, but the result was that he stopped 'learning'. He wasn't 'dumb', despite what the teachers and his test said. And if you ever called him 'dumb' or 'stupid', you got an ass kicking.

My Mom believed, like many people claim to do, that if you call something by a negative name or word long enough, it will eventually take on that negative characteristic.

Black people need to look in that collective mirror, and admit that in the freakin' end, we are doing it to ourselves ... "We have met the enemy, and it is us." - Pogo.

"Don't hate," as the kids say, that Prof. Gates made a life and espouses a different thinking than the 'sleep 'n eat' culture that I think is pervasive in our social consciouness. He has earned his freakin' stature ... go work and get some of your own!!

THE OVERARCHING IDEAL

I like the word 'overarching'. It is a device I wanted to use for a different kind of entry, as my life morphs into whatever it is going to morph into. But this is as good as a place as any for its debut.

The rent a cop made a fuck up. Period. You DON'T arrest someone who LOOKS like he belongs in the environment. Aplogists for the officer can suck a pickle. Beth's example lets you in on what happens when someone who walks around with the ablity to decide someone's life on an impulse, has a higher responsiblity for HIS decorum.

Oh, that he tried to save Reggie Leiws life when he collapsed? Look, next time you go to work, don't do what you are qualified for, that you were either trained in and hired based on that training, or instructed on and PUT IN YOUR PERSONNEL FILE and see what it get you? Days off, perhaps?? Or will the Turk bring you a box and walk you down to Human Resources for an interview?

That is why he did CPR on Reggie Lewis. Not that he isn't a resentful, small brained, racially biased cat. HE HAD NO FREAKIN' CHOICE ... IT WAS HIS JOB!!

I don't think I would have gotten so amped, had I not read that incident about your cousin, Beth. The entire situation is that it could have been avoided if the officer actually did his job, by finding out how to resolve the situation. HE HAD THE POWER. And he misused it.

I find that there was a racist culture present, because the dispatch badgered the caller who CLEARLY STATED what she saw ... which didn't in my mind, jibe with her ideal of who would be struggling to get into a house in that neigborhood.

Apologies again for the language, because it may have offended some. It did fit, and I couldn't find anything else to convey the appropriate emotional heft for this entry.

THE COMMENT OF THE DAY

ALBATROSS NECKTIE



Big Mark 243 said...
Other than you use of the word 'metronome' (they go back and forth, not up and down), I find this article interesting.Things that concern me, is of course, the 'crisis', and I am not talking about the one in black and white that Silberman wrote about. Mid life. Is there more to your life than what you have?



Being comfortable, the 'safe and stable home', that many strive for yet it seems even fewer have. This applies to those who are your neighbors, with their middle class lawns, middle classly manicured and slightly expanding waist lines. The husbands waiting for either the football season to begin or for their baseball team to make that trade or fade out of contention.Wives, who dread that since it has been a week, that tonight she might have to deal with you 'huffin and puffin' on her for three or four minutes, after she has spent the day getting the a dent made in the pile of laundry that you and the kids have made, as well as getting something on the table, because at this point, there is no more 'value' in a value meal. She is stressed because at work, there is a new girl and she is messing up the social pecking order, because she is young and perky ... and the customers come in and gravitate to her in the office.She isn't 'cute' anymore, and you aren't making that any better. She has gone from a 8 to a 16, thanks to running behind you and the kids, watched her wardrobe devolve, and she has to now put up with you and your mid life crap.Welcome to adult hood!!



This is where you will be residing at for the next 29 -25 years until you start your mental decline, and the kids that you so lovingly doted on, play 'last tag' with who gets stuck with Dad, his medical treatments that his retirement and SS cover only 75% of the cost of keeping him bathed, cleaned and fed... oh, and not to mention the aggravation.As you can see, this was a thought provoking entry.

IN DEFENSE OF THE NEBRASKA CONCEPT

MAKE NO MISTAKE

Funny thing is that over the past year-plus, you were the one that convinced me that the Nebraska Concept was sound, because I was doubtful. I am glad that my initial gut feeling was sound, and I can say that my gut feeling now is that you are on a solid path :o)

In several ways, going to Nebraska was the right move for me, personally. I had the right 'environment', and that would have facilitated personal growth as well as a wellness program that is designed to have helped me out specifially.

Can say that 'oh, they have programs in the Metroplex'. And the SFC has checked on some of them already. Thing is, the programs that I have looked into out west, are just as critically acclaimed as any in the country. So that is a moot point.

For me to have been alone, I still could see myself managing along easily. In fact, from scouting reports, the town would have all the cultural stimuli that I could have possibly wanted. And I don't think I would be as worried riding around on my bike.

In fact, personal safety would not have been as big as an issue as it is here, OR in D.C. More than some of the legendary urban areas I have happened to visit during my day, there is something about D.C. that is 'no joke' as the kids say.

There hasn't been a lot of talk about being to myself. That was something I was keeping to myself, because I go around and cheer people in their journals when they have found themselves in a new relationship. For me to talk about 'love and marriage' out of the same mouth I would speak about how much I wanted to be by myself, to me felt hypocritical.

While that was my plan, I left room for someone else's plan to come into play. I only knew that I had to work with what I had, and that is what I did. Like anything truly magical, it takes hard work and preparation to make it happen.

Had I went out west, then that would have clearly meant that my magic was going to happen out there. Yet, "I shall keep that one for another day, yet knowing how way leads on to way ..."

THE KIND OF STUFF THAT HAPPENS TO ME

PROLOGUE

I would tell people that right regularly as a kid and young adult. One of the things that would infuriate the masses and cause anarchy in the working classes.

What did I mean, 'that kind of stuff NEVER happens to you', they'd say. 'That stuff happens to EVERYBODY.' And I am sure that it does, because that is what they expect. But you see, I don't. I do know enough to know the difference between what COULD happen and what I want to happen relies on what I do.

Keeping to the light, I don't do what I see the ones that 'stuff happens', do. Hopefully, I copy the things that the other people who are like who I want to be, among those that 'stuff doesn't happen to', do.

LIKE OTHERS WHO WALK ALONG 'THE WAY'

As I began to 'put away the dishes' after my trip to D.C. Metroplex (they do call their rail line, The Metro, which I don't think I will be riding too often), one of the questions that came up, was 'what if'?

What if 20 years ago, we'd been fortunate enough to have stumbled into each others arms? Instead of walking shoulder to shoulder, we'd been able to walk with our hands interlaced? I thought it was symbolic that when we met at the National Airport (irony will prevent me from ever calling it 'Reagan Int'l', sorry 'bout it) that we fell in step with one another. It was a sign to how the trip would be, one where we would be tuning up to each other.

But while it may sound nice to wonder why as close as we were, we didn't get together then, we both know the answer to that. I am only mentioning it here, to give background to where we are with each other, now.

I keep seeing her name in my mailbox ... and what I felt as I first saw her name. Been talking about 'Darkhorses' and Rummy's '...things we know we don't know', (which, I have thought was an effective way of stating 'hell, ANYTHING could happen!) started to take on a new shape and another dimension was appearing before me.

The dimension where I am deserving and capable of living up to my goals and lofty ideals. Now, whatever I think I am, that is indeed what and who I am.

SUBLIME

This is going to be a new kind of relationship. I have never had the same level of understanding with someone as I have with my SFC.

It is hard to describe our conversations ... as it was to talk about how we interacted with each other when I was down for my visit. I mean, it FEELS as if we have been in love with each other and together for the last 20 years.

It is profound, how well we compliment each other. And I have told her that she will never understand how fully she comprises everything that I was looking for at this time in my life.

"A dark horse, which had never been thought of ... rushed past the grand stand in sweeping triumph." -Benjamin Disreali

And it most certainly has. I have never before had someone who was able to express how much I mean to them as honestly and enthusiastically as she has.

EPILOGUE: JUST LIKE DEREK FISHER'S SHOT TO WIN GAME 4

What I remember most about it, is that Jameer Nelson of the Orlando Magic, failed to close out on the shooter. Not only was it wrong on a fundamental level, because you are supposed to contest wide open shots, but given the situation it was unforgivable. Derek Fisher made the three pointer to tie the game, one that the Los Angeles Lakers would go on to win in over time.

In a situation where doing the most basic thing, the most intrinsic of efforts, would secure a victory, he failed. You have to think that he thought the game was won, though there was enough time on the clock for it to be snatched away.

And it was.

I can't scold Nebraska, the person for giving space for a darkhorse to take to the front. All of this, 'The Nebraska Concept', was as unlikely a circumstance as the next nameless stage of my life is. But what made the difference were the simple things, like closing out on the shooter.

We should have dealt with that, with each other more than we did.

You can't assume that something is going to happen because that is what you want to happen. It may seem unlikely that someone would come from the 'way, way out', to disrupt things, but like I tried to tol' ya ...

...THAT is the kind of stuff that happens to me. I get the things that I hope for.

SORTA RANDOM THOUGHTS

RUNNING

Even though I woke up @ 0700, I did not get out straight away and go get my run in. I listened to the radio for a little bit ... actually a lot. I don't think that I got outside to run until 10 o'clock. Then, there was the run itself.

I haven't been getting up this week and running like I wanted to ... I have been out for four days, but they weren't the best four days. Odd, because the times we actually pretty good. I didn't 'feel' as good as I should have felt.

Things are on the upswing. Going to go out to 'the D.C. Metroplex' the first week of August. Another visit ... we are both anxious to be with each other, and I don't know who is more excited, especially now. Anywho, I would like to get another 5lbs. off my frame. The two weeks or so I have is enough time for me to make that happen.

Getting up and out of the house, was more of a chore than I would like. Then, which run was I going to choose? I had hoped to go for a long run ... which is at least an hour (don't really know how far it is ... btwn 6-7 mi.). Since I was draggin' and didn't really want to do it, I thought I'd do a short run and some sprints.

But I couldn't find my stopwatch. There is a 'medium' run, and I thought to do that and call it a day. As I walked to my 'start point', I decided to go on and run the big run anyway.

And off I went.

SLOW FIRST MINUTE

Being stuck in the 'analog age' when it comes to personal listening devices, I am still using a Panasonic sports walkman to listen to my mix tapes. One of the cool things about it, is the stopwatch feature (not so good for sprints, though) that beeps at one, three and five minute intervals.

I like hearing the one minute beeps, and it helps me keep a decent pace. Though I was lagging, I decided to go on and pick up my feet and get on with the get on. I could make it up if I was willing, and I had decided that I was willing.

Now it has been said that you actually run better without listening to music. That may well be true, but having music helps you to pass the time, for sure. I went on and kicked it up a notch or two and could feel myself pushing against the artificial walls that keeps most people from exercise. I've always imagined that my veins and arteries were expanding to carry the blood that was pushing through my heart.

Got lucky and the light that I needed to cross was in my favor. When I break my stride, no matter what else happens I never seem to get back on that pace. Making the light meant that it really was going to be up to me.

Running distance tests your character in a way that lifting weights or other forms of aerobic exercise doesn't. It is all about you, and there isn't a spotter and you can't fake that a move is too much for you to keep up with. But one of the hidden benefits of running is that it is all about the moment and the goal. You are only as fast as your next step, and if you aren't into your next step it doesn't matter how fast you want to be at the end of your run. Like life, you are only as good as what you do, consistently.

Even with the 'impeccable blahs' shadowing me, I stayed in focus with my next step. There was a long stretch where I wanted to stop ... but I had passed my 'point of no return'.

Because I run from the house, it would mean I would have to walk back home from wherever I stopped. That means to me, why not finish what I have started, even if I didn't get the time that I had hoped, at least I would have the triumph of finishing the run despite not 'having it'.

THE SUNNY MILE

As I moved away from the PNR, the Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs song, 'Y Control' came on and perked me up. That cd was a let down to me, but I did like that song. I haven't gotten their new one yet, may get the single 'Heads Will Roll', though.

I knew that if I could break down and take this mile in small pieces, I would be able to finish well, if not strong. Keyed on 'the next step', I made my way through and into the stretch where I could finally see the end.

A five minute shower cooled me down and I started to run even faster. The showers were done, and I was kicking out to my finish.

As I walked out to cool down, I stole a glance at my time ... two and a half minutes better than the last time I ran that particular run. And that I didn't feel up to it at first, made it feel all the better.

Showered, ate a big breakfast and listened to NPR. Good day, good day.

EVERYTHING ... AND I DO MEAN EVERYTHING ...

... IS A BALLOON


Usually, summer weeks are short. Ken over at Bucko's World has had a 'fast' week of 'vegecation' with his wifey, Beth. This week for me was very atypical. Time has slowed to a crawl since I have returned from Virginia and has been filled with unexpected twists and turns.


I have to say that the SFC and I are finding out more about each other recently because of what was supposed to create conflict in my life at least, if not between us. Instead, we've become closer than we were before.


The thing that I am thinking about now, is how this will really be the opportunity for me to find out what I am really about. For real.


You know how people have 'lists' of what they are looking for in their partner, often made without consideration to how THEY match up with whoever is potentially their 'perfect person'? That isn't me. I couldn't ask for something of life, without knowing what it is that I have to do in return to earn it.

Here in my journal, I have touched on the 'bulletpoints' of why I chose the particular direction I am going in and why. Getting all detailed for public consumption seems to be a bit much. Perhaps had this been a book, then the need for such detail would be obvious. But I have managed to have detailed schematics to this machine in my head, and that is good enough for me.

Those things also include what I would be asked of, to satisfy my part of the deal. My real concern lies with the idea that I am deserving of what I have requested, and that the responsiblity that comes with it. That is the kicker, the responsiblity. But I have accounted for that, as I have also accounted for the possiblity of a 'darkhorse' coming into my life.

And here we are.

I am glad to be looking forward to spending time with someone who was a good friend before they were anything other than that to me. To be able to say that you have left things behind and be understood by someone is unique. The kind of depth to the understanding sometimes leave something to be desired. But not this time.

And it isn't just that I am the one who is finding themselves 'understood'.

We laugh at how everyone at our duty station would be stunned in disbelief that it took us so long to figure out what they knew years ago. That we belonged with each other.

It isn't only about someone 'getting me'. I get her as well, my SFC, and that is what makes for so much anticpation between us. We pick up on one another without having to think about it ... things 'happen' and we are 'there' with one another, like 'Gina and Martin'.

Like I have thought, I had done enough somewhere and in someone's life to make them want to invite me back into it. To be their choice to share their life with.

FAMILY VALUES

MAY/JUNE

Mookie and I had agreed to go our seperate ways in June of last year. How did it get to be the middle of May? I will tell you.

Lil' Mook adores Bow Wow. She has gone to at least 3 shows, including one in Detroit, under my watch. Along with Omarion, and Chris 'Brutal' Brown, they are parts of the confectionary pop icons in hip-pop music.

Last year, Bow Wow and Omarion did a song titled, "Hey Baby" (Jump Off). Not hearing the full song lyrics, when they were singing 'jump off' and it caught my ear, I KNEW what the song was about.

... I WILL QUIT MY POST WHEN PROPERLY RELIEVED

See, a 'jump off' is slang for the person on the side of your primary relationship, or at the very least the person that you treat with little regard for their emotions. The song is about the different girls that they fling around like I once did passes in the 'run 'n shoot'. In short It is about women being disrespected.

Bow Wow is packaged as a somewhat wholesome alternative to all the ghettofied, raunchy, dead end musicians in his genre. Same for Omarion, who has fashioned himself into a young crooner, I guess. But their audience is mainly the bubble gum brigade, young teenage girls and the boys who can dance a little bit.

I am going to get into this a little bit later on, but I am a HUGE subliminal message cat. Which is why when I finally heard the lyrics to this song, I asked lil' Mook, "Do you know what they are saying?" I thought it relevant, because she was singing along ... lyrics that in essence talked about the maltreatment of girls, women... like her.

PRECISELY like her. She was being encouraged to find joy and excitement in music that ultimately would hurt her if the ideas in the song went from 'theory' to 'practice'. So I asked her, did she know what they were saying.

BUT OF COURSE, I THINK TOO MUCH

This though, was a case of I could have gave a damn. She shares a name with KT, so I treated her as my daughter. What would I have done if it was Skye (and I did have a 'media talk' with her before she shut me out), KT (and we had a 'birds and bees' conversation) or Lexxie (uh, Pecan Sandie didn't assign me that topic for instruction!)??

So I brought it to their attention. It went clumsily, because the squirrel that runs on the treadmill in Mookie's critical thinking center was on a break. And this was when I realized that she was not only out of love with me, I was overlooking that she couldn't have possibly be the person that I wanted to love.

This was something that I knew when we were kids ... before me and the SFC even, who I would prolly run into next, as that timeline goes.

WHEN DOES THE RIGHT THING GETS TO BE BEYOND SOMEONE DOING SOMETHING?

Or saying something. I mean, I could have sat and laughed at the song, and said something crass. "Hey Mook, remember when I played you like that what he said ... HAW! That was some funny!! Made you cry every time you thought of me for a week, didn't I? (and she did, too!)

So I explained to them that I thought that singing that kind of song would desensitize her to the maltreatment it celebrated. It would also signal to an alley cat that she may be 'game type'. He would whisper in her ear, talk that talk and ...

... that was when I shut up. I called my Dad the next day.

WORKING IN A COAL MINE

FIVE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING ... UP BEFORE THE SUN

Media stuff that was on my mind ... the Henry Louis Gates episode is a case study at the arrogance of institutionalized racism. How dare the campus police department assume the stance that they were correct at arresting the LEGAL RESIDENT who was entering his own home.

THEN, for it to be a prominent African American, only encapsulates the feelings that many black people in America feel about their place in society. For me, there is no other reason than racism for the incident and it is inexcusable. From the initial phone call that summoned the police, to the escalating incident that has reached the President (don't kid yourself folks ... Dr. Gates is on that level as far as relevance, in the national salons) and the essential response to him was, 'Mind your business', is a slap in the face. Period.

It is from incidents like this, many, many of them away from the spotlight, that fuels the anger that boiled over into riots in Los Angeles, or the problems they had in Cincinnati a few years ago. Minorities, especially blacks, but also in general, know that it is still like that. I think it is a low level kind of evil that still lurks in American society, sorta like the evil that lurked in Derry. Unseen, it is hard to quantify, the only word to describe what was felt, was to call it, IT.

51/49

this is the essence of the nebraska concept as i understand it-- looking at your life square in the face and having the courage to stop blaming yourself for the things that didnt go as you had planned and then having the courage to start again rather then remain stuck in the could of, should of, would of land of the past.

Since I couldn't have said it better myself, I won't.

It is also why the split between being in a relationship and being by myself had gotten to such a close vote.

Been up since a quarter to five. Decided to ride out to the my fave grocery store, Meijer's out on Middlebelt. I wanted some stuff, and I figured with the light traffic to be there and back quickly with no worries.

Walking into the store, I sort of wandered around, as I only had the vague idea of what I really wanted. Started to think how much that I liked to wander until I remember what I am looking for, and I how the patience that I have shown with others, I can finally extend to myself.

I have spoken of how things are happening in synchronicity for me, for the first time in a long time. Being single, means that I get the opportunity to go on and be about myself, and 'get there when I get there'. Do things that I want to do and how I want to do them.

Every man alone is sincere. At the entrance of a second person, hypocrisy begins. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Something about having to deal with people and having to simultaneously deal with myself, is why I was looking forward to being alone. I didn't think that I would have to risk facing what is happening with me, what I have to face when I go outside, and then having to face what I have to when I get home, as I would have in a relationship.

Like I did with Mookie. Or AKA.

What ever nonsense that I wanted to think, and I know that I am nonsense, I would be able to think it. For instance, it made perfect sense to get up and ride out in the dark of the early morning hours to fetch oatmeal, cinnamon rolls and raisins, because that is what I wanted for my morning meal. It isn't here, so what am I going to do?

One of the things about what is going on with me, having 'Johnny Smith Dead Zones' is that someone would pick up on that, and try to get over on me. That is what the major issue is regarding my nephew. If that punk could pick up on my weaknesses, then what about someone who 'does that for a living' you know?

I expect that I can handle things, but I am under no illusions. Which is why I stood ready to go find a nice, one bedroom place, in a neat, slower but vibrant town, where I could do what I am going to do.

ONE FOR THE ROAD

So, me and my SFC talked. And we talked. And we talked.

I told her that whatever I have left, I am going to scoop it up and bet it all on us. No more buts, no more hesitancy. From this point on, her being happy with me, and my being happy with her, is our shared goal.

This is a piece by Kahlil Gibran, "On Marriage". For me, it defines the way a great marriage ( Why do we undersell our relationships by describing them as 'good' anyway? How would you define a 'great' relationship? If I walked down the aisle with you, and 40 years later, you are still there walking with me through the park, then that had BETTER been a great friggin' journey! Otherwise, what is the point??).

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness,And let the winds of the heavens dance between you." There is so much bitterness in people for again, their failings, that they want to be made whole by someone instead of through themselves. This is where I would substitute for 'hypocrisy' and insert 'trust' into the Emerson quote. For me, that is what it is about. The trust that I have in her and the trust that we have in each other.

REMEMBER WHEN MARY DECKER FELL?

LAMENTING THE PASSING OF A GOOD CALENDAR YEAR

*pauses*

No, I have not a clue to what is going on right now in my life. Had no idea that things were so fragile for me, but they are.

I have been running harder, trying to get faster and doing squats (back to the wall, slide down to your waist slow, up slightly slower if you don't have weights at home) in anticipation of the up and downs of the paths in Virginia.

But there has been a turn ...

I don't cry for myself. I will cry for you ... cry for the children that Sally Struthers and Pernell Roberts advocate for, but not cry for me. I do think that you would though, you know what I mean?

The 'no crying in boxing' is an extension of how I felt growing up. One of the perils of being the oldest is that there is no one to fight your neighborhood threats and schoolyard terrorists for you. Even as I would enjoy my minor successes, they seemed less celebrated than others.

Okay. I would deal with that, and move on. I don't need you to pat my back, and if I do, that isn't what I believe.

The reason that I am miffed right now, is that something that is minor, sent a tremor along the right fault lines. I find myself once again, putting away personal issues and demons that I would not have to deal with, because what set things in motion does not matter to me and my life.

Therefore, it should not matter to anyone else.

I laughed at the list, because outside of a few things that referenced her and our relationship, and some 'NC-17' stuff that you would have needed a 'security clearance' to hear, nothing out of sorts was said. So what was the problem?

BUT THERE IS ONE QUESTION THAT I HAVE

And it makes me ask the question: Is this a journey about doing what is best for me, or doing what is best for a desire? Fine line, fine line.

One of the key issues I have, is that I believe that if I can establish an environment of my own making, that for sure I can makes my life happen. That it won't be easy, isn't a big thing to me. Making the attempt, that is the bigger thing. What would happen if I 'got hot' and things started falling into place? It isn't like it won't happen, because it does every day to people. In fact there have been a couple of times when I thought it happened to me.

But reasoning out why I admit to myself what and where I have screwed up, is how I don't blow up when I have to listen to people tell me what they have had to deal with. AKA, geez louise, CLEAN YOUR HOUSE!! I know it isn't as simple as all that, but I was willing at one time to help her work thru what she needs to, to help her live her life ...

... but that is a recurring theme in my life. I can help and inspire others, support them in their endeavors. Not to whine and moan, but I would ask, who is going to get my back? Help me deal with my issues??

I have not a problem with some odd duck picking at me. I expect that if I am walking thru the hood late at night, there is a chance some drama may pop off. But that is from strangers. I don't expect that when I am saving your life (as I did with my thieving nephew) that you are doing something to hurt me.

What hurts? Right now, everything.

The idea that I had, that people would know how far that I would go for them, so that I could expect them to be able to work outside of themselves for a moment for me, seemed to be a pretty good measuring stick. No one would have to extend themselves far ... just being WILLING to show up is enough for me.

I would ask anyone, when have they had to look for me, when something went down? If there was anything that I regret about AKA, is that she did nail it, I did let her confidence in me go for naught. The only thing I can reply with, is that she was never open enough with me, to where WE could work out things ... had she been, who knows?

“There aren’t very many heroes these days. Who is out there to inspire us with a personal example of virtue and self-sacrifice in the name of a higher good? Who can we look up to? Business Leaders? Sports Figures? Politicians? Celebrities? Heck, we’re lucky if they don’t end up in prison! As usual, the hero business is up to me!”- Calvin and Hobbes

One of several strips that I clipped from a newspaper that I still have around. I am going to scrapbook this stuff, because if I have been keeping things like this for this long, I obviously want to hold on to them.

Since I have lived this strip several times over, most recently last week, I am left to wonder if this is really what it is going to be about for me? Walking around, putting in my efforts, what I call 'my two cents', only to have it valued as two cents?

You know what I think? I think not.

It is strange ... pushed myself to the brink of physical distress to help make a family with Mookie, and all I got was a T-shirt. Cool. Because even with the 'goes around, comes around' rationalization that I do, bottom line is that I should have gotten more.

What I do think is that what I offer is of greater value than the return I have gotten. Period.

Picked up my meds today. Funny thing about that, is that I have a weeks worth of pills in my case. Know what that means? It means that I have been 'operating out of rounds', with stuff that is only of indirect concern to me. The thing that IS of concern to me, I have allowed to slip by, trying to attend to other matters. Things that are of matters of importance to someone else. Whatever benefit having them settled outside of their personal importance to others, are to me, matters less if I am ... uh, DEAD.

*sigh* Stumbling out of the gate. Yeesh. Can I catch back up?

ET TU, BRUTE

THE LEAK WAS FOUND

I got an email from an unexpected person, my one-time BFF. She took the step of including her phone number, so I dialed her straight away.


We caught up, dished a little about the company and since it is part of the Auto industry, she also had bad news for herself ... she was recently let go. Didn't get too much into that.


Told her about my various journeys and caught her up with Nebraska, the SFC and ...


...AKA.


After we hung up, something started whirring in my head, and a print out read SHE TOLD. See, when we worked together, we chatted about all things romantic. I told her exactly WHY me & AKA was never an official couple. Now, me and AKA haven't spoken, but she did send me an e-mail and in it contained lines that said that I violated her confidence in me ...


I remember scrunching up my face, because who would I have told other than folks that read my journal ... Alaina, Tawnya? Have YOU been randomly talking about someone you wouldn't know from a can of paint and only have the sketchiest of outline's of their character?


No, that is totally preposterous. But there is one, and ONLY one person who would know of AKA, at least through me. My BFF. She knew. And there is only one, tight degree of separation between my BFF and AKA.


That is what I get for thinking I could confide in someone. I know stuff about her that, well, now it HAS to go with me to the grave, but still, I'd never tell. So I suspect that she ran her mouth, and she didn't have to.



WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS ...

"If I get there before you do, I am obligated to bore a hole and pull you through. --unknown."

I got that from a journal that I occasionally muster up the courage to read about a wonderful woman who is certainly showing as much bravery and grace as more famous female warriors dealing with breast cancer.

While I had been too awed by her strength to nab that earlier, because I don't know if as screwed up as I am, that I qualified to say that about myself.

But AKA knows that for real, that she didn't have to call me out like that. In fact, her embarrassment over what got leaked is part of her problem. She is fooling herself and she suffers for it.

My BFF ... man, it hurts because I did everything I could, including going out of my way to pick her up ... she lived at 23rd and something, close to Livernois. I lived out near Palmer Park ... we WORKED in Southfield. And whatever she managed to share on gas, I took gladly and no complaints. Single mom with three girls, what was I going to do?

She had personal issues, I was a shoulder for her. She needed help at the house, there I was, lending a hand. All for a friend. Not that I was bangin' her or anything. Sure she was pretty, and I could see why everyone else was attracted to her, but she wasn't my type ...

...sounds familiar?

OKAY, OKAY

But remember, subjectively, it made PERFECT SENSE.

I wasn't worried about going to Nebraska, and having someone jack me up and keep my little stipend runnin'. It could have happened but I was willing to take that risk.

Because the risk of dealing with those I should be able to depend on ... man!

My sisters posted all day long on Face Book, never once saying anything about what was going on ... have I mentioned this? Not speaking to me while they were together, even though they were pretty much where I was going (or should I say 'am' ... I don't know anymore). So there you go with them. For two weeks, I made comments, sent mail ... and you know what I got? The same thing that Rocky thought he was going to get when before he fought Apollo Creed.

Look, I am SOOO full of getting screwed by those who should have my back. Not just because I would do whatever I have to for them, but that they should feel SOMETHING for a cat, I mean JEEZ!!

Going to Nebraska (THE PLACE!!) would have meant a fresh start for me. It would have meant a new environment, one that is not quite as unforgiving as Detroit can sometimes be. A fresh start and a clean slate. I think that I can do it ... make something of myself, somehow.

If, IF, I am on my own.

There have been times when I have been boring holes to pull someone through, that I have gotten stepped on, or hit by debris. And others, well I don't know because they walked their walk. All I can do is that hope that they took advantage of what I think I did to help them, and for them to go on and make the most of their opportunity.

I have always thought that some how, some day, I would find mine. It wouldn't be given to me, that I knew. Not only has nothing came my way easily, what little that did, I spent it foolishly. Again, yet another case of 'getting what you pay for'.

BUT SEE, NOW THAT I FLAT OUT HAVE ISSUES

Trying to actually muster up the 'screw the world' attitude necessary to tell the ones who are closest to me, where they can get off isn't something that is easy for me. But it is there, because I am having to sit, like a sensitive talk show host and listen and be empathetic ...

...as my boy Dres from Black Sheep used to say, "keep your problems to yourself kid, I got my own." People ask when are they going to get this, and when they are going to have that ... not only are they not related, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO GET IT!?!

With AKA, I didn't PMS about her getting the chance to go to Michigan ... I went to Renaissance High... so I had the POTENTIAL to do something with myself. I didn't, so there you freakin' go.

Could have done my time in the service ... but I didn't and my sister is. Hurrah! But am I going to bitch about it? Nope, cause if that was what I really wanted so bad, I had it in the palm of my hand ... so there you go!

My marriage, my boxing, school, whatever you want to pull out and whine about Mark, you had your shot and what did you do with it?? It all adds up to where you are, SO THERE YOU GO!!

Just like you can't ask someone to do something and then try to tell them how they should get it done, you can't cry about things, and not expect anyone else to be dealing with their stuff. You can say that almost all of us are fighting our battles ... all of us. So very few of us are fighting things like Christina, or any of the other folks you see in the charity lines. Drugs, infirmity, disease. I mean, if you were, and wanted to feel sorry for yourself, I not only understand, but I will let you.

"Yeah I was a salesman," swirls imaginary drink as he pauses. "Tough racket."

That is from that scene in Glenngarry Glenross that Alec Baldwin tears a new one out of the sales crew. That can be said about life ... so the big thing is, are you going to go out and take it? Take your life??

THAT'S is why I wanted to go to Nebraska. I mean, the agencies are there, the housing is there, friend or no friend, filling out the paperwork and giving the answers to the right people is something I HAD BETTER be able to do on my own.

I may have mentioned him before ... a top ten fighter who has his degree and got a couple of shots at the big time. When we would see each other in Carolina, I would talk with him about life and goals through boxing. To see him now, doing what I had conceived for myself ...

...bothers me.

Since I have found myself extended on narrow branches, risking falling from a height with no one to catch me, I simply figured that the crap I did, was coming around. While there may not be a statue of limitations on fate catching up with you, for me, I think that I am due for a change.

One of my own design. And yes Penelope, I am upset with myself.

MORE RECAP TYPE STUFF!

I GUESS THIS IS MORE OF A 'CHECK'

And right now, I am in the middle of a storm. But as Sir Winston once said, "When one is going through hell, it is best that you keep going."


THE PERILS OF REHABBING A PAST RELATIONSHIP

I can't help but laugh at myself ... bitter, not as bitter of a laugh as you would think, smiling at the entire episode, not because it is funny but because 'I got what I paid for.'

Even with what went down, I don't feel comfortable sharing more of what she has spoken to me about her actions. What, she sat there for over 90 minutes, blowing up my Face Book page. In a strange way, maybe it really was for the best that my job at the hotel didn't work out for me. Who knows if I was still working there, what she would have felt entitled to do?

What she did, I dunno ... most of that stuff is either copped to and time served, or hinted at so that it isn't a stretch. So anyone who are both 'here' and 'there', should have read that and not been surprised at all.

That she would share it with everyone ... I am like, 'Well, I know you are, but what am I?' After all, she chose to hang with me.

Otherwise, between the May/June of '08 and the May/June of '09, things were pretty tame, and not only in relation to the close of the year. Other than complaining about my bike, the Astoria Bakery rides, and the odd adventure with she-who-name-is-unspoken (nah ... I ain't hatin' on AKA... I have gotten over it already... sadly to say, for me that is par for the freakin' course...) and the slow but steady progress in my plan to go to Nebraska, it was a very good year.

AT THE TEN SECOND MARK

In boxing, ten seconds before the end of the round, either someone hits a buzzer or pounds the canvas. It is a signal to the referee that the round is about to end and he needs to separate the fighters when the bell sounds.

That is what June was for me. I had decided to 'round up' from last May and begin counting with the calendar. I would start things off 'on time', rather than just making a schedule and working it. Finally, I was beginning and ending in time with the seasons!

Much of my excitement at making my new life came from that. No longer would I be trying to 'fit' myself in an awkward position, trying to 'catch up' when something has started. I would be in the blocks and going at the sound of the gun with all the other runners.

I had hoped to be in Nebraska by January of next year. Would accept February or even March of '10. But at the ten second mark, stuff happened.

Nebraska, the person and I had a spat. Then, after I decided to suck that up and get over it, my NCOIC touched me on Face Book. And if you have been reading for the past month and- a- half, you know the rest of the story.

YES, IT WAS TOXIC

But we are going to work it out. Talking about the 'slash' job done on my Face Book page. The key thing is that it wasn't fatal.

Irony is, I have taken pains to respect her emotions and not disrespect her. Wonder what set her off ... with 'wonder' having as much relevance as my wondering about particle physics and such.

Meaning, I don't care what set her off. She is off, and that is that with that.

Now, it is more about making adjustments and setting off in the direction of my dreams ...

OH, WELL PLAYED..!

STRUCK UNAWARES

Eh, but what can I say? I feel more comfortable dealing with things from this point out ahead than I am from behind.

I was 'put out on Front Street' by AKA on my Facebook page. Had not known it was her, because of course the name didn't match with any of the nom de pen I have on record for her.

Sorta alright. I will deal with it. I owe her a book, and some money that I will have to get back to her. But other than that, I guess that will be that with that.

After reading what she thought would 'blast' me, I am like, "So?? There isn't anything that I wouldn't have told anyone about myself, anyway!" ... she took a couple of jabs at me, but what would you expect?

I can't catch the right term ... 'collateral damage' comes to mind, but still seems harsh. It is close enough. I have not ever claimed that if it came to 'you' or 'me', then I will do all I can to make sure it is 'you'!

And it is 'her', indeed!

NEW READER ISSUE!

PERSONAL VELOCITY

I am trying to come up with something more appropriate for my profile description ... I no longer find that 'a lovable mess' as being accurate a description of me. See, while I am lovable, I am in NO WAY a mess.

Not anymore.

Also, I don't want to ascribe the randomness of 'luck' to any of the positive things that happen to and for me. There is a larger reason to why things occur, and the single most persistent question of my life has been "Mark, are you ready?"

Ready for the good that is laying there waiting for me to grab it and make it work, shaping it into a sculpture inspired by my vision. I have never doubted me ... but I haven't been true to the execution that was necessary to make my dreams come true.

Around the turn of the millenium, there was some very real and serious thinking going on here, and I wanted to really earn the things that I feel that I deserved ... not that anything had ever been denied to me, but that they came and I let them slip through my fingers.

The things that make sense to me, may not make sense to most people ... like hoping that someone from your past will either let you back into their lives or come and get you from the heap you have made of your own, but that was the inspiration I was given when I looked and found a new direction. There were couple of 'are you sure about this', that were asked of no one in particular before I got started on this journey of mine.

Checked everything that needed to be checked. What ever I didn't have, must not have been need or it will be provided for as I get on the road. What mattered was that I got underway.

Looks like some new folks have snuck in ... don't know what anyone expects to find here, because I am just 'nattering away'. But one of the first things I did was to set my OWN expectations and get ready for them. I think that many people get lost in that part of it, either they get bogged down in the details of things, or because that it is to broad to fit in their minds, they let go of the big picture and settle for the smaller one instead.

Details will drive you insane. You can't ignore them but at the same time, you can't slip up and make the small things your end. That is why you don't 'sweat the small stuff'.

But I do think, if I was forced to choose between getting lost in the happenstance of life and shrinking away from the grandiosity of trying to scale a mountain, I would choose to work at the details. Because by being timid, you are lost at something before the work is eve begun. Neither is preferrable, but still, with the details you are still working and trying.

Being scared means that opportunity passes you by in a rush. And I wouldn't have liked looking at the mirror if I did that.

I am not quick to assign any other significance to my time with Mookie other than to say that it was a period of growth and penance for me. Not saying that I earn or even deserve absolution, but I did want to put in more than the token effort that many people give when they want something different and better to come to them.

THAT'S WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED

The summer of 2007 was when I 'got it' between Mookie and myself. We weren't going to be that couple that rides off into the sunset together. KT(my Carolina Girl) had a 'less than good' time, and I lost my darling brother. She was there only as a cutout. When we got back to 'the provencial town', I decided that I had better do an inventory of things between us. She was in danger of losing her life long job, was selfish BEFORE we got back together, and now had introduce 'coochie tag' into our relationship, while she was 'tippin' on the sly.

I am not saying that I wasn't hurt or anything by it. But I have too much knowledge that I have forgotten, experience gained from in the brier patches of life, for anything that someone so transparent could do to me. The most difficult part mentally and spiritually for me was little different from what went down with my wayward nephew (yes, I did talk to him ... and not sure if I care whether he got anything or not from it ... I wanted him to know that he couldn't bull crap ME...), because she felt she was 'getting over' on me.

Whatever. I had dues to pay.

During that long, lonely summer, I got what I needed as far as direction for what I was going to do with my life after Mookie. In the fall, I took action ... seems impersonal to describe something like going to see Nebraska as an 'action'. It was more than that. For me, it was a big sign of what I need to be doing, extricating myself from a failing relationship, and looking to build and make a new life, as a new person.

GOTTA GET BACK INTO THIS

Or: "Letting My Experience Work For Me."

If I sound a little smarmy or whatever, that may come out in another issue. But people get on my last nerve, gnashing their teeth over someone that DOES NOT WANT THEM.

My thinking has been this. If I give you all that I can, and that isn't enough, the okay, fine ... for sure, for sure. I will take my things and move on. Don't have time to cry, because the energy that it would have taken for that, was put into trying to save the relationship.

We had a talk around January of '08, where we agreed to give it one more again. On Valentine's Day, we took a direct hit. The next month, we decided on calling things a day, agreeing that we would separate permanetly in June.

I left in May. I think we have spoken once only since then. Que sera.

SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO LEAVE A COMMENT

Feel free to say what you think. You never know, I may reply, to discuss a point further or something. I mean, I don't mind because I am going to do what it is I am going to do anyway. That is that with that.

This IS part of the process, time for me to run a personal check of where I am at and what direction I am going. This has been a turbulent past two months, after a year of pretty tame comings and goings.

NEXT: PICKING UP FROM WHERE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE

NOTE TO SELF

NOT THAT IT IS THE LEAST OF MY CURRENT CROP OF ISSUES

But I don't want to let this slide by me. It may come up again, so if it does, it will be purposeful.

The episode that I endured recently at home, took so much out of me ... not only because it is yet another financial set back, but because it pushed the limits of my self control. My 'tired' isn't like the 'tired' everyone throws around in conversation. When I get 'tired' of something, it means that 'right now I don't want to put up with something'. Had I known how to get where my step Mother lived that day ...

As it is, my nephew STILL hasn't come all the way clean. What can you do in the face of something like that? At any rate, I have to make sure that I have enough for the rest of the world.

When it comes to him 'getting his', I know that is something that isn't left up to me. But if it isn't supposed to be part of my purpose, then why does 'payback' taste so good?

Hmm ... maybe that is it. Most of the things that taste good, aren't necessarily good for us. Or it takes even more work to overcome. Okay. I promise to just TALK to him. It will be a straight away converstation. His thinking that he has 'gotten over' is not what he should take away from this experience.

MORE ZERO WEEK STUFF

BEGINNING WHERE WE LEFT OFF

i learned a proof in ring theory when it can be shown that 0+0 = 1. -Alaina

I would not doubt that you are measurably smarter than me ... in fact, that could EASILY be said about quite a few folks who visit me regularly. But that is okay, because the is one sure way to enhance one's reputation, and that is by the company you keep. A lot of why I used to post on certain message boards and started my journal, was so that I could link up with folks who would keep my mind jumping.

Back to the reading thing, some smart philosopher cat said of reading, that "Books are like a mirror. If an ass looks in you can't expect an angel to look out." I mean, when I would pull into the gas stations between Carolina and Tennessee, should I have been surprised by all the 'Guns and Ammo' -type magazines and the rebel flag memorabilia I'd find? Or should I have been in shock at the thinly veiled dislike that was shown for my prescence?

Part of why I think most of the possible crap things have missed me, from getting jumped by the ne'er do well cats on collection Friday evenings, or now by some of the shadowy figures that prowl the streets at the odd hours, is my 'sense' for some of the possible troubles that are 'up and about'.

Some of the stories that people have shared about themselves out here, I have been thisclose to myself. But I haven't been engulfed by anything, no matter how hard anything tries to get me.

A family of four died from carbon monoxide poisioning in the Metro last night. Something was emitting the odorless gas while they slept. The day before, nearly the same thing happened here. One of the boys mistakenly turned the eye of the oven to 'low' and the flame wasn't burning. It looked to be out but it wasn't lit. No one paid any mind to the alarm, thinking that instead it was the battery failing ... whatever.

Getting active, I got the hell up and inspected the area. No smoke and the indicator was for the co2. I looked at the range and though the oven was off, I hand checked the eyes on the range and discovered the problem.

I don't expect to here congrats or anything. You do what you know to do, when it is time to do it. CO2 is odorless, so I knew as long as the alarm was going, that I needed to check EVERYTHING that was emitting gas, before I woke everyone up. The stove was first up. No one has to pat me on the back ...

BUT THERE WAS A SIDE BENEFIT

Of sorts. The theif was discovered. There was three of us awake, a friend of the teens, and another nephew. Because I heard an alarm, I did not secure my room. I stayed downstairs to make sure that the house cleared of the gas by turning on the central air. I figured if that didn't get the house fresh, I had better wake everyone up.

Did not go back to sleep. Showered and shaved and about 9 a.m., I went to get my paper and to stop at Mickey D's ... but ALL of my money was gone again!!

The theif had spoken that morning about purchasing some more gaming equipment ... he doesn't have a job or does anything to earn any money. He went off with his Grammy, and I called her straight away. She was running errands, and by lunch time, they came back to the house.

My nephew tried to refute my claims. Channeling my 'inner Joe Cortez', I was firm but fair. I simply told him what was FACT. The money was here when he was here, and gone when he was gone.

His Mom, my step sister came home mid afternoon. Uh, she used 'enhanced interrogation' and got the truth out of him. The big thing was that he took my day planner, with ALL my ID. I couldn't even get more money from the credit union, and the PICTURES were irreplaceable.

Pretty sure that there will be more fall out. I am going to push for his XBox, which to be sure was purchased with my loot. Won't make too big a stink of it though. Will for sure bring it up.

BEHAVE LIKE A FIGHTER

Long, I know. I guess I am 'off loading', because it starts to count on Monday. One focus, one destination. Getting rid of this 'miscellany' in my thoughts now so that I can be free to recieve the information I need make the next transition in my life.

I am not as 'violent' as my occasional references to fighting and beating someone up may make me seem. What it is though, harkens back to a philosophy that you make better decisions out of the mind of what you know best. By appropriating things to boxing, fighting, and military jargon, I can better figure out what I need to do (or could use metaphors the way the writers did for the show 'Joan of Arcadia'! Another totally great but all too-short lived show... the episode 'Touch Move' is on Syfy right now, and ...).

But in putting things in a frame that I can clearly see and understand, I trust myself more. With my nephew, I 'cut the ring off' and kept his 'back to the ropes' before I began to apply pressure. He wasn't going to be able to outthink me, and I would not step back to give him breathing space.

Like when me and the SFC were at the airport and she called out 'column left' and we turned in formation, we have way too much that will bind us together. Since this has ran over, I will save my gushing about what I have to look forward to for later...

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS NOTHING TO DO

WHOA, NELLY!

Mark, that is one of the most inane comments you've ever left. What, did you see one person reading a National Enquirer once? If 50 people read, you can be sure there would be 50 different styles, but even if half of them read the NEWSPAPER, we would have a far more informed electorate. The idea that people are better off thinking about paying their electric bill than engaging with the written word is just ridiculous.

LOL! This was a response to a comment that I left regarding the general populace and reading. I took the position that some people would be better off not reading, than reading the drivel that they choose to read.

On of the premise that half of the people you see at a given place would be reading a newspaper, with the current state of the printed press, is unlikely. As for those who are reading for reading's sake, I don't know. How often do I see someone actually engaged in a periodical or something that is going to open their minds and their imagination?

I remember when Terry McMillian burst out of the pack, with 'Waiting To Exhale'. Suddenly, people for whom reading was a chore began to think themselves as 'literate' because they read one average book that had the flavor of their lives. They found themselves 'wishing that they could really identify' with the story. My ex wife was one of the crowd.

No one mentioned or spoke much of her earlier work, 'Disappearing Acts', which was IMO, a better read. But I am not going to debate the merits of the book, but rather the ideas that get promoted by and through the consumption of mass media.

Certain magazines have a slant, and many of them are only 'preaching to the choir'. That is, they are only going to say what they want their audience to hear, and they don't anguish over the objectivity. And that is for the more 'serious' periodicals, from Time to Mother Jones.

I don't know if 'tabloid' means what it means anymore. I can't tell the difference between 'The Enquirer' of 'US Weekly' anymore. How many cover stories do we need on 'Jon and Kate'? Does it really matter if Adam Lambert is gay or not?

Propaganda comes in many forms, and who is to say that the printed version is any less subversive than that of what is provided by over the air television or radio?

Do I have any alternatives? Nope, sure don't ... but I did leave a comment. I hardly thought it was 'inane'. Besides, it was 'a blurb', because I am trying to be conscious of my 'long form' comments.

HELLOOO!

Maybe it is a Coastal thing ... Michigan is considered 'Midwest' and therefore is a part of 'flyover country'. Could be one of location. Or maybe I have a stick up my butt. But to me, reading something that only solidifies the way that you thought BEFORE you began to read it, may not be insane. Just that it seems close to it to me, though.

People in an echo chamber, where all they hear and see are the things they have always heard and seen ... sort of like 'the terrorists have won', to me. I mean the emptiness of pulp literature and the nihilism and self loathing lyrics of pop music, combine with other elements in widespread culture that keeps on growing ignorance and does nothing to spur critical thinking outside of the audience for which the media is indented for.

I recall choking down E. Lyn Harris' first two or three novels ... and then there was the cat who got attention by writing about 'brothers on the down low'. I even was lucky enough to see them both speak at different times about their writing. I was drawn to them because they both self published, and that was what was the hook for me. Mention these cats, because I will take a step to not dismiss anyone out of hand.

Maybe it is sad to see no one reading ... grant you that. But it is just as sad to me, to see people lost in the senses-deadening glossy magazines with shiny pictures of today. Or any of the inartistic pulp fiction that inflates the ego and makes someone feel satisfied that they read for pleasure, and not for intellectual growth. Sounds a little pompus, but I can't come up with a better way to say it.

After all, is someone can be smug, why can't I be a little arrogant? Uh, has it not been established that I have that 'a-hole' gene in me? I know, I am learning the culture war, but if you are going to be like Vernon Davis, and do something that is going to boost your own ego at the cost of the greater purpose, then what good are you doing?

0 +0= 0 ...

THE SHADOWS OF UNCERTAINTY

NEGOTIABLE THINGS

One of my favourite quotes in my rotation of quotes, is one by Schopanauer in discussing 'scoundrels'. Essentially, you can find out about one's true character in 'the trifles of life', the small things that at the end of the day did not add or take away from someone appreciation of anything. It could be something that your partner does, or is a small interest in that they have.

Sometimes, a small thing can get out sized as well. Michael Jackson's passing was like that for me. Too many small things added up to a big thing, but it was just for me, not everyone. I wouldn't intrude on someone who was moved by the coverage, or genuinely touched by his passing. In fact, I would rather have let someone guess, then act accordingly to their observations as to how I felt about the situation. The fact that I don't ever watch BET should be a big clue ...

... but if I knew that YOU was grieving for him, in the way that I grieved for the Buckeyes in their back to back title game thrashings, I would respect that. Why? Because something that is important to your partner or friend, is also important to you.

My partner smokes. I have never smoked. My partner takes a pass on garage sales and resale shops. I was looking forward to doing a mash up of decorating my own place when I got it. How important are those two things, in the big scheme of things?

It was funny when the SFC told me about those things ... somehow, I had forgotten that she smoked. After a long, mournful howl of "Nooooo!", I got back to my feet and told her that it didn't matter. My Mom smoked, and it isn't like that I wouldn't be able to cope. She isn't the first person that I have dated that smoked ... but man, it HAS been nearly 20 years since that has happened. Thought smoking got played with 8 ball jackets and Hammer pants?

Hanging out with her, I could see that it was a 'controlled burn'. She doesn't have an ashtray for a mouth, and she always smoked outside of her apartment. Invariably, I would go out and sit with her as she smoked, because I wanted to be near her, and if I had to inhale a little poison gas, eh, so be it.

After all, it isn't like she isn't taking a huge risk herself by letting me into her life.

I was looking forward to picking up odd things to go into my apartment, even doing some ANTIQUING, searching for that special piece or two (but it usually goes to threes and fours ...) that made sense to my decorating tastes.

Discussing those things, I told her that those thing didn't matter as much as the more important things that we have in common. Those are what would carry us past the small things that make up the 'trifles of our lives'.

BEING CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASKED FOR

Slogging through life, I believe that I was careful in what I asked for. As much as I would have liked living on my own, there is a different kind of freedom in being bonded to each others heart that I desired as well, and I kept that first. There was a certain criteria that had to be met, before I would want to be in a relationship at this time in my life.

First, I wasn't afraid of being alone. If you asked me, my success, however limited, occurred when I was by myself. In hindsight, I think that it would have been better had I concentrated on being something first, then worry about securing myself and worry about seriously dating someone last. Not that I am saying that a relationship with someone special isn't as important as the others, but perhaps there is an order in which things happen to make a relationship more of a permanent thing.

In a general way, Steve Harvey's book, 'Think Like A Man, Act Like A Lady' I think did an excellent job of describing how the male/female perspectives work and how to interpret and decode the mystery of relationships. He talks about how a man must know 1) who he is, 2) know what he does and 3) and be comfortable with how much he makes.

There is a lot of room to wiggle around in those points, but that is why it is a general thing. To be sure, most of the troubles come out of problems in understanding between 'you and me' and these three things.

It isn't that a cat has to be tracking towards a corner office and pulling in a 'high five' salary before he can be sure that he is 'a man' and is ready to be involved with a woman.

Sometimes, women mistake the wrong signals for indicators that a cat is ready for a relationship. They can't tell whether or not he is looking for 'a keeper or sport fishin'(Steve's lingo). One way you can be sure of how he feels towards you isn't by what he says ... but what he does.

Profess, provide, and protect. Those are three things that are unmistakable, and which is why I couldn't muster up the sympathy for the woman involved with Gov. Sanford. If someone can't show you off to the important people in his life, can't figure away to put some food on the table, and fight off the lions and hyenas for you, then you simply know the deal.

ADJACENT TO ALL OF THIS

A cat may not have things in place to where he is comfortable with who he is, what he does, and what he is earning. But if he has a clear vision and is working towards his goal, and can picture being able to earn what he can be comfortable with, then I think you can take a 'flier' on him.

When I met my ex wife, I want to believe that is where I was at. I had my goals, and was moving towards them. Fresh out of the service, I had a little pocket change and a could realistically expect that I was going to do something with boxing AND going to school. Problem was, she didn't share in or even have a vision.

IMO, this is where women begin to bang their head against a brick wall. Not only do some fail on 'the buy in' part of being in a relationship, the outlandishly believe that their participation begins and ends with them just 'showing up'. For my money, that is what Mookie is doing. There are very few times in life where you can wait on something to fall from the sky. You yourself need to move as well towards something. Anything at all is preferable to being stagnant where you already know it isn't going to happen.

My ex wife was the former. Since she couldn't 'see' it, it wasn't there. Maybe she should have looked, and she'd have saw what was before her eyes ...

AND WHY THE BABY DIDN'T GO OUT WITH THE BATH WATER!

I am sure that there are more 'differences' between us, my SFC and I, but they are going to be okay. Just like 'James Bond and Star Trek' worked for others, I think that the military and paper routes will work for me and my girl.

Or you could substitute 'commitment' and 'desire to marry young' as well. There are a lot more 'coincidences' to keep us together, that small differences won't pull us apart. The anxiousness I have now, is the good kind of anxiousness, like waiting for your birthday or Christmas. Got to start getting packed... September is a 'training camp' away. I wouldn't mind letting things fade into the end of the month/October, so we will see.

The main thing is that as impetous as we both can be, we arrived together at nearly the same time. As soon as I saw her name, I knew what was going to happen ... after we began to talk, she knew what she wanted to happen.

Now, what we have to do is MAKE IT HAPPEN!