... AND YOU UNDERSTOOD WHAT WAS TO HAPPEN SHOULD YOU LOSE ...
... would you do it anyway?
On the "greater than" post I made the other day, there was a comment that went 'Boxing > MMA'. Of course, I could not agree more! Thought it may have been redundant coming from me, but it got me to thinking about my favourite scene from the first 'Rocky' movie (though once you got to know me, you'd know there was ONLY one Rocky movie!!) when Mick goes to Rocky's apartment to find out if the Rock would let Mickey work with him.
Mick comes into Rocky dump of a place ... he'd never been to his place before, and almost immediately alienates the Rock, by remarking his pet turtles would make a 'good soup'. Mick soliloquizes about his experiences and his boxing, leading him to what he thinks makes a difference between fighters, going as far as comparing his fight on the same night of a Dempsey fight being a small difference of managing (which, it could be said it was, were it a real story!) and that he wants Rocky to avoid that fate by providing him with guidance and representation as a manager.
Now Rocky is leery of course at Mick's motives. Not leery as much as he is resentful. Mick has thrown him into the heap of 'as the wind blows' fighters in the gym, taking away the privilege of a permanent locker. He has berated him along with this humiliation in front of the entire gym, which can be quite humbling. It is a fall from grace that is a bitter as they come.
THE IRONY OF THAT MOVIE, IS THAT IT DOES HAPPEN LIKE THAT!
In fact, one of the things that brought this to mind is a phone call I made recently, to a bookie/manager who has a fighter that I lost to, but continued to climb the ratings. He is a decent ham 'n egg fighter, and is a 'fringe guy', who has beaten some quality cats, but no one to make you stop and take notice. I still follow boxing a little, and I went into my old phone book and gave him a call.
Looking at all the names ... and the notes by them ... the names of fights I had and words like 'promoter' capitalized started the wistfulness that had me You Tube this scene. It is a seven minute scene, but it capture so much about relationships between a couple.
Mickey tries to make himself equal to Rocky, but he is stopped cold when he is told that 'he ain't go no locker' in response to his buttering with a comparison of Rocky to Rocky Marciano.
THE FIGHT IS SET
When I think about partnerships, a lot of them go thru things like this. Sometimes that is how I feel about Nebraska. Thing are coming together slowly, with or without her. But it is the same for ANY relationship, friends or in a bonded relationship.
The things that I can't buy ... if I have to do without them, I will. Right now, she is like Mick outside Rocky's bathroom door. When Rocky looked for his help, he wasn't there for him. At all.
I feel like Rocky as Mickey walks down the stairs, raging at the reality of his situation. Rocky knows, he knows, he really knows ... that he is going to get THIS, and THIS ...
... and he also knows that if he is going to give his best effort, he is going to have to 'get over it' and let Mickey be a part of his preparations. He knows that this is a chance that comes around once if at all, in a lifetime. He may as well give it his best shot, so that he has no more questions.
That is why I have decided to make the executive decision at granting Nebraska the person, a 'pass'. Mind you, it is an 'at will' authorization. It can be revoked as easily as taking a breath. Again, going with the question of whether or not should I tell her I have my ticket to do my reconnaissance of my objective. It is with a deep breath that I tell myself that I will need some help ... HER HELP in getting settled and all.
It is more than me not wanting to possibly impact her life, but the impact she is going to have on MY LIFE, that makes me leery of wanting to bother her for help. Where ever she ends up, I still will need to make myself self sufficent, and acknowledging that is going to be 'of a fashion' instead of what I have come to know is something that is still a process in making.
I forget that I need help, then I just forget. I think I am at speed, then someone with a cane walks by faster than I do. Yeah Rocky, I am with you ... I too, 'know what I'm gonna get'.
But I am going to go downstairs and run after 'Mickey', and smooth things over. Go to bed and start the next day getting after the get after!!
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
WHERE THE HORIZON MEETS THE SKY
WHY PONDER LIFE'S COMPLEXITIES?
I am going to talk about the operational mobility and scope of my efforts to move to Nebraska.
You couldn't imagine the intensity with which I have been trying to live with in my mind for the past year. It would not matter much to me, what anyone has thought I was doing. I always KNEW, and that is one of the reasons that I questioned whether or not to tell Nebraska that I had made a plane & hotel reservations for October.
It isn't as if this isn't going to be complicated enough for me. Not to mention that 'added' complications whose value to me and MY LIFE is not immediately known are not considered 'my friends'. I don't invite hassle to my life, life will hassle me enough as it is, dontcha know!
If Nebraska has any plans for me, then when I was ASKING HER TO WEIGH IN on how I should execute my move, she should HAVE SAID SOMETHING THEN. It would not have meant to me, at least, that she was wanting me to get there so she can see if there was more to 'us' than not.
Indy left a comment the other day where she seem to want for me to push onward of my own volition, that is to say, to do what I think I need to in order to get to where I want to be. And it is a question that I had been turning over, because if I want to get there before the close of the year, then I will need help for sure.
BUT ... since I want to move for me, and not because I think there is a strong chance (because there is always a chance we can fall in love with each other ... there is still a chance in the next 4 weeks Tee Jay will come around ... and then there is a chance that pigs will fly out of my rear, and I will have free bacon for the rest of my life!!), that we will be a couple, I have been giving myself the time I feel I need to make things happen for me.
Wasn't entirely sold on making the reservations, but I did anyway ... because the anxiety had built to such a point where the line between patience and exuberance were blurred. So that is a good time to go on with what I wanted to do ... it is when there is a distinction, and you tell yourself that 'I knew it was too soon/too late' that you scrub the idea of action, for the sake of doing something.
By getting the reservations set and the goals adjusted (all well within the scope of my mission!!), I felt relaxed, and it had been a couple of months since I felt this chill. And because it was AKA who helped me get things going, it changed the parameters of our relationship (sorry, no details there ... move along, people!).
SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU CAN EITHER DO THIS OR YOU CAN DO THAT
I have made a habit of writing to Nebraska on Monday's, from the time we left each other in Chicago. I have tried several times to stop, but gee ... anywho, I wrote her either this week, or the week before, and I added that I had called the folks she referred me to and that they hadn't gotten back in touch with me. That is why when Indy said she had a mind to tell me essentially, 'do it they way you do this', and reading about how Ken and Beth are getting his folks settled, I put the two together.
First, following along the changes in the 'Junction', I looked at it as the extension of one's heart, one's love for someone else. You could see it all around, from the parents trusting K & B to find a suitable place, and I knew that they were thinking long and hard in the Junction, because there were struggles with what would be best, not for them, but for their parents.
I think that since Nebraska has seen my scribblings for such a long time, I'd say 9 years or so, she has a pretty good idea of what kind of cat I am. She also knows how deep that I feel towards her, as my feelings are AT LEAST as strong as they were when we first became friends. You can only ever know so much about a person, especially when you are keeping some of yourself back from them. But I will say that I think she knows me well enough to make the same kind of choices that Ken and Beth are making ...
... because just as their parents trust them in the process, there is part of this thingy where I have to flat out trust her and her decisions. SHE feels that Nebraska, the state, is a good fit for me. It was already 'told' to me that Nebraska would be a good place to live ... a good place for a cat like me.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
-Winston Churchill
Yet, there are some things that I 'know', things that no matter how much you think is being covered by someone else, you'd do well to check yourself and make certain that they get done.
If she had a 'timetable', for whatever reason, she should have said so WHEN I GAVE HER THE OPTION TO SET ONE UP. I would have let her set my 'marks' and did my best to achieve them without making a sacrifice to the ends. She didn't, and so, I got a phone call from one of the agencies she set me up to work with on last Friday. Hmm ... coincidence, that a few days after I told her no one had gotten back with me that someone calls?
I don't know what she knows ... someone who is part of the agency or what. It isn't lost on me that I did what I was supposed to do, followed her advice and called the folks I was supposed to call. THAT is the information that I used to set my calendar. When she heard that is what I did, and still hadn't heard from anyone, mysteriously someone finally calls my number ... hey, I don't know what I don't know.
NOT THAT I AM LOOKING A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH, BUT ...
... I am not sure if I possess the operational flexibility to change on the fly as this new development may spur me to do. I left my previous relationship this time last year, and I gave myself a total of TWO YEARS to get up and out of here. That means, if I am still journaling from Detroit in June 'twenty-ten', then like Lucy, I would have some 'splainin' to do.
I will have to sit down and do some 'cipherin' as to whether or not any of this is going to impact my planning. I am very comfortable with the time table I am working with ... in country around Feb. of '10, and I can see myself hitting yard sales as folks do their spring cleaning. It is hard not to stop at the sales cropping up, because you can always find something useful at them!!
I am going to talk about the operational mobility and scope of my efforts to move to Nebraska.
You couldn't imagine the intensity with which I have been trying to live with in my mind for the past year. It would not matter much to me, what anyone has thought I was doing. I always KNEW, and that is one of the reasons that I questioned whether or not to tell Nebraska that I had made a plane & hotel reservations for October.
It isn't as if this isn't going to be complicated enough for me. Not to mention that 'added' complications whose value to me and MY LIFE is not immediately known are not considered 'my friends'. I don't invite hassle to my life, life will hassle me enough as it is, dontcha know!
If Nebraska has any plans for me, then when I was ASKING HER TO WEIGH IN on how I should execute my move, she should HAVE SAID SOMETHING THEN. It would not have meant to me, at least, that she was wanting me to get there so she can see if there was more to 'us' than not.
Indy left a comment the other day where she seem to want for me to push onward of my own volition, that is to say, to do what I think I need to in order to get to where I want to be. And it is a question that I had been turning over, because if I want to get there before the close of the year, then I will need help for sure.
BUT ... since I want to move for me, and not because I think there is a strong chance (because there is always a chance we can fall in love with each other ... there is still a chance in the next 4 weeks Tee Jay will come around ... and then there is a chance that pigs will fly out of my rear, and I will have free bacon for the rest of my life!!), that we will be a couple, I have been giving myself the time I feel I need to make things happen for me.
Wasn't entirely sold on making the reservations, but I did anyway ... because the anxiety had built to such a point where the line between patience and exuberance were blurred. So that is a good time to go on with what I wanted to do ... it is when there is a distinction, and you tell yourself that 'I knew it was too soon/too late' that you scrub the idea of action, for the sake of doing something.
By getting the reservations set and the goals adjusted (all well within the scope of my mission!!), I felt relaxed, and it had been a couple of months since I felt this chill. And because it was AKA who helped me get things going, it changed the parameters of our relationship (sorry, no details there ... move along, people!).
SEE, THIS IS WHY YOU CAN EITHER DO THIS OR YOU CAN DO THAT
I have made a habit of writing to Nebraska on Monday's, from the time we left each other in Chicago. I have tried several times to stop, but gee ... anywho, I wrote her either this week, or the week before, and I added that I had called the folks she referred me to and that they hadn't gotten back in touch with me. That is why when Indy said she had a mind to tell me essentially, 'do it they way you do this', and reading about how Ken and Beth are getting his folks settled, I put the two together.
First, following along the changes in the 'Junction', I looked at it as the extension of one's heart, one's love for someone else. You could see it all around, from the parents trusting K & B to find a suitable place, and I knew that they were thinking long and hard in the Junction, because there were struggles with what would be best, not for them, but for their parents.
I think that since Nebraska has seen my scribblings for such a long time, I'd say 9 years or so, she has a pretty good idea of what kind of cat I am. She also knows how deep that I feel towards her, as my feelings are AT LEAST as strong as they were when we first became friends. You can only ever know so much about a person, especially when you are keeping some of yourself back from them. But I will say that I think she knows me well enough to make the same kind of choices that Ken and Beth are making ...
... because just as their parents trust them in the process, there is part of this thingy where I have to flat out trust her and her decisions. SHE feels that Nebraska, the state, is a good fit for me. It was already 'told' to me that Nebraska would be a good place to live ... a good place for a cat like me.
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
-Winston Churchill
Yet, there are some things that I 'know', things that no matter how much you think is being covered by someone else, you'd do well to check yourself and make certain that they get done.
If she had a 'timetable', for whatever reason, she should have said so WHEN I GAVE HER THE OPTION TO SET ONE UP. I would have let her set my 'marks' and did my best to achieve them without making a sacrifice to the ends. She didn't, and so, I got a phone call from one of the agencies she set me up to work with on last Friday. Hmm ... coincidence, that a few days after I told her no one had gotten back with me that someone calls?
I don't know what she knows ... someone who is part of the agency or what. It isn't lost on me that I did what I was supposed to do, followed her advice and called the folks I was supposed to call. THAT is the information that I used to set my calendar. When she heard that is what I did, and still hadn't heard from anyone, mysteriously someone finally calls my number ... hey, I don't know what I don't know.
NOT THAT I AM LOOKING A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH, BUT ...
... I am not sure if I possess the operational flexibility to change on the fly as this new development may spur me to do. I left my previous relationship this time last year, and I gave myself a total of TWO YEARS to get up and out of here. That means, if I am still journaling from Detroit in June 'twenty-ten', then like Lucy, I would have some 'splainin' to do.
I will have to sit down and do some 'cipherin' as to whether or not any of this is going to impact my planning. I am very comfortable with the time table I am working with ... in country around Feb. of '10, and I can see myself hitting yard sales as folks do their spring cleaning. It is hard not to stop at the sales cropping up, because you can always find something useful at them!!
Friday, May 29, 2009
>
Happy > Content
Explosions In The Sky > Mogwai
Let's try > Not sure if we should
Children's laughter > Children's silence
Waking Up @ 7:00 a.m. > Waking Up @ 1:00 p.m.
Wolf pack > Tar Heel
Caress > Shove
Sunrise > Sunset
Football > Basketball
Chocolate Chip Cookies > Chocolate Cake
Caesar's Las Vegas > The Wynn Las Vegas
Army > Navy
Faerie Dust > Angel Dust
Nebraska > Provincial Towns
Assignment Football > The Run 'n Shoot
Interpol > Fall Out Boy
Burger King > McDonald's
Life's Solitude > Life's Complexities
New Balance > Nike
Heat > Reservoir Dogs
Summer > Spring
Elephant Ears > Candy Apples
Gleams of Hope > 1000 yard stare
The Challenge of the Unknown > Settling for what you know
Breakfast At Tiffany's > Harry Met Sally
First Strike > Third Strike
I Love You > I Need You
Spooning > 'Coasting' (sleeping on separate edges of the bed)
Stephen King > Dean Koontz
Crimson > Clover
Delta Sigma Theta > Alpha Kappa Alpha
Green & White > Maize & Blue
Incurable Optimist > Experienced Pessimist
New Ideas > Stupid Moves
Leaving Before You're Asked > Overstaying You're Welcome (found inspiration here)
Explosions In The Sky > Mogwai
Let's try > Not sure if we should
Children's laughter > Children's silence
Waking Up @ 7:00 a.m. > Waking Up @ 1:00 p.m.
Wolf pack > Tar Heel
Caress > Shove
Sunrise > Sunset
Football > Basketball
Chocolate Chip Cookies > Chocolate Cake
Caesar's Las Vegas > The Wynn Las Vegas
Army > Navy
Faerie Dust > Angel Dust
Nebraska > Provincial Towns
Assignment Football > The Run 'n Shoot
Interpol > Fall Out Boy
Burger King > McDonald's
Life's Solitude > Life's Complexities
New Balance > Nike
Heat > Reservoir Dogs
Summer > Spring
Elephant Ears > Candy Apples
Gleams of Hope > 1000 yard stare
The Challenge of the Unknown > Settling for what you know
Breakfast At Tiffany's > Harry Met Sally
First Strike > Third Strike
I Love You > I Need You
Spooning > 'Coasting' (sleeping on separate edges of the bed)
Stephen King > Dean Koontz
Crimson > Clover
Delta Sigma Theta > Alpha Kappa Alpha
Green & White > Maize & Blue
Incurable Optimist > Experienced Pessimist
New Ideas > Stupid Moves
Leaving Before You're Asked > Overstaying You're Welcome (found inspiration here)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
IF ONE HAD EYES TO SEE ...
... a shade, floating along the warm breeze
I don't know how often any of you have dreams that you remember, but I don't often have dreams ... and very few that I can recall with any real clarity.
But I did last night. About Tee Jay.
It seemed plausible, with me sitting in the kitchen of her Mom's house (with whom she lives with, along with her teenage daughter), and I was talking with her Ma. We had a decent enough relationship ... I know I enjoyed her and I want to think she enjoyed my company, which is why the conversation that I was having with her wasn't out of the ordinary.
She said that it wasn't anything about 'me', but that Tee Jay had reach a point in her life where she isn't really interested in relationships with anyone. Nothing personal, as she is tired of the bull crap, and she doesn't want to be bothered with it all.
Interesting dream, as I did not have thoughts about her, none that I was aware of. I decided to post about it for two reasons ... 1) because it is such a novelty for me, that I wanted it to be recorded, and 2) to show that apparently I have feelings for someone who doesn't want to return my affections, like a whole bunch of other folks.
BUT SEE, THIS IS WHERE THE HERD THINS
I don't let my insecurities, disable me. But really, when someone is trying make me feel like something I am not, I never have been one to accept it. My 'inner Pee Wee' kicks in ... because after all, 'I KNOW you are, but what AM I?' You don't know, do you?
And though Tee Jay will prolly never hear me say this, cause when I was brushing my teeth, I 'told her', that I know what I am capable of, and I aim to fullfill myself. I would want to be with you, but I can't risk my future for something that has shown itself to be an exercise in pointlessness. "It was you who made your due, you built a maze you can't get thru", (yup, I would actually say that if it fit the situation!)... and I let who and whatever do their thing.
Right now, all I can do is hope for the best. If my 'dream' is right, that is cool because I have no inclination to help her realize her problems and how much better her life can be with me. I don't even need to 'confirm' it, either. I will not use this 'dream' as an excuse to manufacture a reason to stumble into her environment ... I sneak around the Kohl's out in West Bloomfield, so as not to run into her at her job. I even go to the Burger King that is a little further away, so as not to maybe run into her, as it is on 'her urban pathway'.
See, this is the test of the 'ex List' for me. I know how to leave someone the hell alone, no matter why they want me to leave them alone ... and ESPECIALLY if I want to be free from them. Better to escape like a trapped coyote than to linger around the corpse of a relationship.
I GAVE AT THE OFFICE
Maybe I didn't make the 'right' decision, but I do think that I made the best decision at the time I had to act. When I would think about Mookie, in my travels along the 'Backroads Of Life', I'd remember her as I saw her. She was a sweet, pretty, and adorable girl ... while I was with her and near the end of our relationship, I had to deal with the conflict with doing what I thought was best for me, and what was best for 'us'.
And I didn't see her as 'sweet'.
But now, she is back to being the sweet, beautiful woman but with a caveat ... she isn't for me. She can find what she wants, and that is cool if she does reach whatever it is she is trying to grab.
Same with Tee Jay. I don't even assess their ability to actually reach their goals and hopes. Who has time for that, thinking about how realistic someone who doesn't want you anymore is being with what THEY want, when they don't want you?
Before Mookie and I got together, I wondered if I did everything that I could to keep things going in my 'mighty fine' relationships. And while I blew some good chances, I did what I could at my level best. No worries and no regrets. I poured what I could into whatever 'we' had, Mookie, Tee Jay, Delta, my ex wife (uh yeah, independent auditors confimed, not so much with Pecan Sandie ... my bad).
Now am I able to see that once and for all, I bounce back from things like Tigger! So why not take this revitalized attitude out for a test drive, and move to somewhere totally new?
I don't know how often any of you have dreams that you remember, but I don't often have dreams ... and very few that I can recall with any real clarity.
But I did last night. About Tee Jay.
It seemed plausible, with me sitting in the kitchen of her Mom's house (with whom she lives with, along with her teenage daughter), and I was talking with her Ma. We had a decent enough relationship ... I know I enjoyed her and I want to think she enjoyed my company, which is why the conversation that I was having with her wasn't out of the ordinary.
She said that it wasn't anything about 'me', but that Tee Jay had reach a point in her life where she isn't really interested in relationships with anyone. Nothing personal, as she is tired of the bull crap, and she doesn't want to be bothered with it all.
Interesting dream, as I did not have thoughts about her, none that I was aware of. I decided to post about it for two reasons ... 1) because it is such a novelty for me, that I wanted it to be recorded, and 2) to show that apparently I have feelings for someone who doesn't want to return my affections, like a whole bunch of other folks.
BUT SEE, THIS IS WHERE THE HERD THINS
I don't let my insecurities, disable me. But really, when someone is trying make me feel like something I am not, I never have been one to accept it. My 'inner Pee Wee' kicks in ... because after all, 'I KNOW you are, but what AM I?' You don't know, do you?
And though Tee Jay will prolly never hear me say this, cause when I was brushing my teeth, I 'told her', that I know what I am capable of, and I aim to fullfill myself. I would want to be with you, but I can't risk my future for something that has shown itself to be an exercise in pointlessness. "It was you who made your due, you built a maze you can't get thru", (yup, I would actually say that if it fit the situation!)... and I let who and whatever do their thing.
Right now, all I can do is hope for the best. If my 'dream' is right, that is cool because I have no inclination to help her realize her problems and how much better her life can be with me. I don't even need to 'confirm' it, either. I will not use this 'dream' as an excuse to manufacture a reason to stumble into her environment ... I sneak around the Kohl's out in West Bloomfield, so as not to run into her at her job. I even go to the Burger King that is a little further away, so as not to maybe run into her, as it is on 'her urban pathway'.
See, this is the test of the 'ex List' for me. I know how to leave someone the hell alone, no matter why they want me to leave them alone ... and ESPECIALLY if I want to be free from them. Better to escape like a trapped coyote than to linger around the corpse of a relationship.
I GAVE AT THE OFFICE
Maybe I didn't make the 'right' decision, but I do think that I made the best decision at the time I had to act. When I would think about Mookie, in my travels along the 'Backroads Of Life', I'd remember her as I saw her. She was a sweet, pretty, and adorable girl ... while I was with her and near the end of our relationship, I had to deal with the conflict with doing what I thought was best for me, and what was best for 'us'.
And I didn't see her as 'sweet'.
But now, she is back to being the sweet, beautiful woman but with a caveat ... she isn't for me. She can find what she wants, and that is cool if she does reach whatever it is she is trying to grab.
Same with Tee Jay. I don't even assess their ability to actually reach their goals and hopes. Who has time for that, thinking about how realistic someone who doesn't want you anymore is being with what THEY want, when they don't want you?
Before Mookie and I got together, I wondered if I did everything that I could to keep things going in my 'mighty fine' relationships. And while I blew some good chances, I did what I could at my level best. No worries and no regrets. I poured what I could into whatever 'we' had, Mookie, Tee Jay, Delta, my ex wife (uh yeah, independent auditors confimed, not so much with Pecan Sandie ... my bad).
Now am I able to see that once and for all, I bounce back from things like Tigger! So why not take this revitalized attitude out for a test drive, and move to somewhere totally new?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
NOW, WHY DID I ASK ..?
IMPERIAL THINKING
Or why some folks call me 'an a-hole'. That is because they don't understand why I am doing whatever it is I am doing, and they wish that they had the heart to do whatever it is I am ignoring them about.
Mike Tyson makes me think about all the little young brothers that Alaina prolly sees 8 months a year, and tries as hard as she can to be a positive influence in their lives. There are some cats (and this includes kittens as well) who grow up without having that direct impact on their lives, that someone who could make a difference, who is trying to matter to them.
I am thankful for the Mom that I have. As screwed up as I am now, it makes my heart palpitate to think where I would be if I didn't have the one that I got. Though I don't mean too, sometimes when I am passing people on the street, shuffling around like extras in 'Blade Runner', I wonder if they sat down and when they were little said, "I want to be that guy who puts those annoying fliers in people's door, and go home to my $75 a week room on Michigan Ave".
Never remember hearing guys talk about how much they looked forward to a career of collecting bottles for deposit to return, and sweeping out the parking lots of the party stores for pocket money. I have a nice bike, paid $350 for it ... and the fellas who are riding like me, aren't on bikes like that. I ride the same kind of bike my Mom bought me, and I have continued to by for myself. I see these cats on their 'contraptions', and I wonder what was it that they looked forward to when they were younger... cause I can honestly say that I have looked forward to one day being in Nebraska, before I knew that I was going to be looking forward to going there.
I could just as soon be in town without telling her I am there, and I mean that for real.
YES, THIS DOES MAKE SENSE
I also think you are pretty self sufficient and will be able to figure out some things on your own so while Nebraska (person) will be there to help, it won't be like she'll totally be responsible for your well being 24/7 (make sense?) You've moved around some so you know some of what to expect.
And that is why I asked when should I tell Nebraska that I am coming to Nebraska, to get started on my move. As long as I have spoken about going there, I have also made it clear that I am going there not for her, not in hopes that we fall in love. What ever I feel is exclusive to me and my feelings. Not going to bother her about anything ... the offical position is that it will be her call, the depth of our relationship.
When we had our rendezvous, she said that she didn't know that I had given Mookie an engagement ring. For her, that put things in a different light, and I don't think she would have been eager to meet with me. I don't question why, or even try to over analyze it, but I do think I understand her position. And even if I don't, I do respect it.
Now, I wonder if she can understand and respect mine. Because, dontcha know, I think I could make it there as fine as I am going to make it with or without her. I mean, I am not new to this. As much as I think I am acting of my own volition, I also feel that I am being led, or even 'placed' where it is I am supposed to be.
While I know and truly understand that my personal view of the world is just that, mine, not everyone can extend the courtesy of respecting that someone has a different way of thinking. I was reading in a journal today (or yesterday ... or the day before that) about the danger of using 'everybody thinks', blanket statements.
I am hyper suspicious of people who doesn't seem to understand that their perspective is just that. THEIR PERSPECTIVE. I can respect what someone else may think, but it doesn't have to count when I am the one who has to do the math. She does and says things that are 'questionable' ... not that they are innately bad or good, only that they raise 'questions'.
AND IN THE RED CORNER...
I wish that I could read the book where I stole the notion from, but Arthur Schopanuer gets the credit for my definition of a crap person. A crap person, essentially is someone who looks out only for themselves, takes the largest share of what is there for everyone to take from, and if it weren't for the law and his own compulsion, would be a even crappier person than you could imagine.
Sometimes I slip and use a broad brush to paint with, but I am not too proud to either apologize or defend my position. That is different from the glazed eyes that I get when I ask people to tell me about 'white people music' or, talk about how 'all the blacks want is a handout from affirmative action'. Or what gets me here in the hood ... the talk about how Arabs open small businesses in the 'hood at the benefit of low if any taxes, and government help. UGH!!
What ever reason, we go thru periods where we don't talk, or send email or anything. I really don't know what goes on, as far as she is concerned. I know she has school, and I know she has a boyfriend and she hopes that though they are separated by time and space (he works somewhere for some big agency or whatever), that eventually they will end up together. And I am like GOOD FOR HER.
... AND IN THE BLUE
I can never repeat this enough. "A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal. That is my formula for happiness." One of the reasons that I could understand her disappointment at finding out that I was still 'in' an unhappy relationship, anchored by an engagement, is that I don't plan on any 'complexities' to purposely plague my new life. Were I to do that, then why not do the lemming thing and run over by Tee Jay's house? It is relatively RIGHT THERE, not at all out of the way or difficult to make happen. Why not dash myself against the rocks for a love spurned (quite different from an 'unrequited love' in my dictionary) and clearly not desired?
For me, the big question has always been do I really want to go to Nebraska? I mean, really? Each time I ask myself, I see a little child staring at Jim running from some animal and listening to Marlon do the narration ... remember the famous I-backs and that Vince Ferragamo ended up being a decent passer in the NFL, despite running th option for the Cornhuskers ... and wondering why can't they keep recruting backs like Mike Rozier ...
... if I told you any more, then you would know where it is I am going, and that has to wait until I get there. That way, you can take things up with ME!!
NO, I AIN'T SCAIRT!!
I will admit, that I hope this is the last throw of the dice for me. I hope to make more rational, studied decision, the kind that normal people make in building their lives. For real, I want to see if I going to that mythical place, where my 'conscious relaxes and my mind is freed'. The place were I expect what ever good that is still in me, to be squeezed out.
Sometimes, she has seemed impatient, others, indifferent. I may 'guess' once, maybe twice, perhaps a third (because she is sooo pretty!!) but when I say 'hold, enough', that is that with that.
It isn't about whether she likes having me around as much as if that is the place I am supposed to be. Watching the 'Nightly News', Tom Brokaw is doing a report as he traveles cross country, via Highway 50. I first thought of Beth and Route 66, and me and Pecan Sandie and I-40.
He started off in Maryland, at this place where they shell crabs for their meat, and the owner talked about how hard it was to find help, and the only ones he could hire were the immagrant who came to work in places like that.
There were a couple of old time ladies, and the one lady when asked why people wouldn't come there to work, if there were jobs available, almost hissed out her reply. We all know that there are some jobs that are low pay and labor intensive that Americans don't want to do. So the problem that immgrants, even the ones follow the rules were having with the INS was a big part of the story.
Impulsively, I called AKA. I asked if she saw it and she did. I told her, I would go and work there, live in the 'shotgun shack' or where ever, and be as happy as a little girl! She laughed ... but I would. Why not??
That faded, but man ... wouldn't THAT have been the adventure!! But moving to Nebraska is going to be adventure enough. I am very excited that I have taken such a huge step. Is it October already??
Or why some folks call me 'an a-hole'. That is because they don't understand why I am doing whatever it is I am doing, and they wish that they had the heart to do whatever it is I am ignoring them about.
Mike Tyson makes me think about all the little young brothers that Alaina prolly sees 8 months a year, and tries as hard as she can to be a positive influence in their lives. There are some cats (and this includes kittens as well) who grow up without having that direct impact on their lives, that someone who could make a difference, who is trying to matter to them.
I am thankful for the Mom that I have. As screwed up as I am now, it makes my heart palpitate to think where I would be if I didn't have the one that I got. Though I don't mean too, sometimes when I am passing people on the street, shuffling around like extras in 'Blade Runner', I wonder if they sat down and when they were little said, "I want to be that guy who puts those annoying fliers in people's door, and go home to my $75 a week room on Michigan Ave".
Never remember hearing guys talk about how much they looked forward to a career of collecting bottles for deposit to return, and sweeping out the parking lots of the party stores for pocket money. I have a nice bike, paid $350 for it ... and the fellas who are riding like me, aren't on bikes like that. I ride the same kind of bike my Mom bought me, and I have continued to by for myself. I see these cats on their 'contraptions', and I wonder what was it that they looked forward to when they were younger... cause I can honestly say that I have looked forward to one day being in Nebraska, before I knew that I was going to be looking forward to going there.
I could just as soon be in town without telling her I am there, and I mean that for real.
YES, THIS DOES MAKE SENSE
I also think you are pretty self sufficient and will be able to figure out some things on your own so while Nebraska (person) will be there to help, it won't be like she'll totally be responsible for your well being 24/7 (make sense?) You've moved around some so you know some of what to expect.
And that is why I asked when should I tell Nebraska that I am coming to Nebraska, to get started on my move. As long as I have spoken about going there, I have also made it clear that I am going there not for her, not in hopes that we fall in love. What ever I feel is exclusive to me and my feelings. Not going to bother her about anything ... the offical position is that it will be her call, the depth of our relationship.
When we had our rendezvous, she said that she didn't know that I had given Mookie an engagement ring. For her, that put things in a different light, and I don't think she would have been eager to meet with me. I don't question why, or even try to over analyze it, but I do think I understand her position. And even if I don't, I do respect it.
Now, I wonder if she can understand and respect mine. Because, dontcha know, I think I could make it there as fine as I am going to make it with or without her. I mean, I am not new to this. As much as I think I am acting of my own volition, I also feel that I am being led, or even 'placed' where it is I am supposed to be.
While I know and truly understand that my personal view of the world is just that, mine, not everyone can extend the courtesy of respecting that someone has a different way of thinking. I was reading in a journal today (or yesterday ... or the day before that) about the danger of using 'everybody thinks', blanket statements.
I am hyper suspicious of people who doesn't seem to understand that their perspective is just that. THEIR PERSPECTIVE. I can respect what someone else may think, but it doesn't have to count when I am the one who has to do the math. She does and says things that are 'questionable' ... not that they are innately bad or good, only that they raise 'questions'.
AND IN THE RED CORNER...
I wish that I could read the book where I stole the notion from, but Arthur Schopanuer gets the credit for my definition of a crap person. A crap person, essentially is someone who looks out only for themselves, takes the largest share of what is there for everyone to take from, and if it weren't for the law and his own compulsion, would be a even crappier person than you could imagine.
Sometimes I slip and use a broad brush to paint with, but I am not too proud to either apologize or defend my position. That is different from the glazed eyes that I get when I ask people to tell me about 'white people music' or, talk about how 'all the blacks want is a handout from affirmative action'. Or what gets me here in the hood ... the talk about how Arabs open small businesses in the 'hood at the benefit of low if any taxes, and government help. UGH!!
What ever reason, we go thru periods where we don't talk, or send email or anything. I really don't know what goes on, as far as she is concerned. I know she has school, and I know she has a boyfriend and she hopes that though they are separated by time and space (he works somewhere for some big agency or whatever), that eventually they will end up together. And I am like GOOD FOR HER.
... AND IN THE BLUE
I can never repeat this enough. "A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal. That is my formula for happiness." One of the reasons that I could understand her disappointment at finding out that I was still 'in' an unhappy relationship, anchored by an engagement, is that I don't plan on any 'complexities' to purposely plague my new life. Were I to do that, then why not do the lemming thing and run over by Tee Jay's house? It is relatively RIGHT THERE, not at all out of the way or difficult to make happen. Why not dash myself against the rocks for a love spurned (quite different from an 'unrequited love' in my dictionary) and clearly not desired?
For me, the big question has always been do I really want to go to Nebraska? I mean, really? Each time I ask myself, I see a little child staring at Jim running from some animal and listening to Marlon do the narration ... remember the famous I-backs and that Vince Ferragamo ended up being a decent passer in the NFL, despite running th option for the Cornhuskers ... and wondering why can't they keep recruting backs like Mike Rozier ...
... if I told you any more, then you would know where it is I am going, and that has to wait until I get there. That way, you can take things up with ME!!
NO, I AIN'T SCAIRT!!
I will admit, that I hope this is the last throw of the dice for me. I hope to make more rational, studied decision, the kind that normal people make in building their lives. For real, I want to see if I going to that mythical place, where my 'conscious relaxes and my mind is freed'. The place were I expect what ever good that is still in me, to be squeezed out.
Sometimes, she has seemed impatient, others, indifferent. I may 'guess' once, maybe twice, perhaps a third (because she is sooo pretty!!) but when I say 'hold, enough', that is that with that.
It isn't about whether she likes having me around as much as if that is the place I am supposed to be. Watching the 'Nightly News', Tom Brokaw is doing a report as he traveles cross country, via Highway 50. I first thought of Beth and Route 66, and me and Pecan Sandie and I-40.
He started off in Maryland, at this place where they shell crabs for their meat, and the owner talked about how hard it was to find help, and the only ones he could hire were the immagrant who came to work in places like that.
There were a couple of old time ladies, and the one lady when asked why people wouldn't come there to work, if there were jobs available, almost hissed out her reply. We all know that there are some jobs that are low pay and labor intensive that Americans don't want to do. So the problem that immgrants, even the ones follow the rules were having with the INS was a big part of the story.
Impulsively, I called AKA. I asked if she saw it and she did. I told her, I would go and work there, live in the 'shotgun shack' or where ever, and be as happy as a little girl! She laughed ... but I would. Why not??
That faded, but man ... wouldn't THAT have been the adventure!! But moving to Nebraska is going to be adventure enough. I am very excited that I have taken such a huge step. Is it October already??
YOU KNOW, SO IS MONTANA
LIKE MOST NOUNS, IT CAN BE A PLACE, PERSON ...
... or sometimes, a thing. Nebraska that is. But not every state is a person, but all states are a place, if nowhere else in one's mind.
I can remember making this link, reading comics when only a lad. Spider-Man was doing his thing against a group of thugs called, 'The Enforcers'. They had no super powers, but were experts in their area of expertise.
'The Ox' was a big, strong, tough lug. 'Fancy Dan' was a dapper cat who had hand to hand skills that were, well, 'fancy'. Then there was 'Montana'. I then started to pay more attention to the names of places after that.
When I was in the service, you had a tendency to call people by where they were from ... when I was in Columbia, I was 'Detroit', partly because I was always asking people where they were from ... doesn't make sense, but since I was pestering everyone, I guess it was simpler for them to say, 'that cat from Detroit is always asking people where they are from!'
Because my name is 'simple and plain, ask me what it is again and I will tell you the same!', I tend to give out nicknames ... for instance, there IS a Mookie and 'lil Mook'. You asked enough people in the 'provencial town I jogged 'round', and either someone would ansewer to it or know who you are talking about!
One of the reasons I remember that Tony Eason was a good college quaterback at Illinois, is because someone somewhere called him, 'Champaign Tony Eason', and I liked that the main Illinois campus was in a town called 'Champaign-Urbana' (or is that Urbana-Champaign??).
Illinois is a place that I remember because when we'd go to tournaments in Iowa (there were a couple of big shows in Des Moines) and they had some scary good basketball teams, with Ken Norman, Kendall Gill and Nick Anderson as the names I remember most. It seemed like everyone was between 6'4 and 6'8 and could run like deer!
The season that Michigan won the national championship in basketball, the Illini,CRUSHED them in the regular season. Then before the tourney, Bill Frieder snuck away to Arizona State (where they NEVER became a big winner ... what is up with that?!?). Bo Schembechler who was Michigan's AD at the time, fired Frieder, saying that he wanted a 'Michigan man to coach Michigan'. So he promoted Steve Fisher, and some how, they put together a great run to reach the Final Four.
DID NOT SEE THE GAME
Though the Wolverines were on a Cinderella run in their big dance, I was on a Cinderella run of my own. It just so happened that four of the ten best fighters in my weight class (one of which was me!) as an amateur were from Detroit, and the best of the lot lived two blocks over from me!! I had fought the cat a couple of times before, and it was all I could do to keep him from smearing me across the ring, the way Illinois was running Michigan out of the gym.
I put it in my mind to suck it up, and make him knock me out or fall himself! I wasn't going to fight scared, and I promised to let my hand go and if the worst happened, it would happen with me firing off all of my rounds.
Sometimes you can be so involved in your effort, that you sense it only as an out of body experience. That fight was like that. I could tell you what my goal was, and how I worked against him, but I don't know how it was that I did it. The stuff I had thought I was trying before in other matches, really wasn't any different from what I tried that night, except they would finally result in a victory.
Getting home late that night, with the world's biggest smile on my face, and a huge trophy, I plopped down on the couch in time to catch the 11 o'clock news. Somehow Michigan had beaten the Illini, and would go on to play Seton Hall for the championship!
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
I haven't had an 'up and out' entry in a while ... guess that is what this is. Reading about Ken and Beth's move of their parents really is hitting home with me. I don't know what Nebraska (the person) is going to be feeling, helping me get set up out there. Because something like that is so emotionally involving, I wonder how much 'emotion' is going to be involved with my going out there ...
Sometimes, I think about doing a complete end around, and just getting out there on my own. That is why I asked when should I tell her that I was going to come out there for my 'advance party' trip. See, I am not fooling myself into thinking that we are going to be anything more than good friends. Since I am doing this for myself, should I just go on out there and be getting things together by myself?
The town may be 'new' but the experience is a familiar one. We don't really talk this up too much ... and I don't know what she is thinking regarding my move. I will go more into this another time ...
... or sometimes, a thing. Nebraska that is. But not every state is a person, but all states are a place, if nowhere else in one's mind.
I can remember making this link, reading comics when only a lad. Spider-Man was doing his thing against a group of thugs called, 'The Enforcers'. They had no super powers, but were experts in their area of expertise.
'The Ox' was a big, strong, tough lug. 'Fancy Dan' was a dapper cat who had hand to hand skills that were, well, 'fancy'. Then there was 'Montana'. I then started to pay more attention to the names of places after that.
When I was in the service, you had a tendency to call people by where they were from ... when I was in Columbia, I was 'Detroit', partly because I was always asking people where they were from ... doesn't make sense, but since I was pestering everyone, I guess it was simpler for them to say, 'that cat from Detroit is always asking people where they are from!'
Because my name is 'simple and plain, ask me what it is again and I will tell you the same!', I tend to give out nicknames ... for instance, there IS a Mookie and 'lil Mook'. You asked enough people in the 'provencial town I jogged 'round', and either someone would ansewer to it or know who you are talking about!
One of the reasons I remember that Tony Eason was a good college quaterback at Illinois, is because someone somewhere called him, 'Champaign Tony Eason', and I liked that the main Illinois campus was in a town called 'Champaign-Urbana' (or is that Urbana-Champaign??).
Illinois is a place that I remember because when we'd go to tournaments in Iowa (there were a couple of big shows in Des Moines) and they had some scary good basketball teams, with Ken Norman, Kendall Gill and Nick Anderson as the names I remember most. It seemed like everyone was between 6'4 and 6'8 and could run like deer!
The season that Michigan won the national championship in basketball, the Illini,CRUSHED them in the regular season. Then before the tourney, Bill Frieder snuck away to Arizona State (where they NEVER became a big winner ... what is up with that?!?). Bo Schembechler who was Michigan's AD at the time, fired Frieder, saying that he wanted a 'Michigan man to coach Michigan'. So he promoted Steve Fisher, and some how, they put together a great run to reach the Final Four.
DID NOT SEE THE GAME
Though the Wolverines were on a Cinderella run in their big dance, I was on a Cinderella run of my own. It just so happened that four of the ten best fighters in my weight class (one of which was me!) as an amateur were from Detroit, and the best of the lot lived two blocks over from me!! I had fought the cat a couple of times before, and it was all I could do to keep him from smearing me across the ring, the way Illinois was running Michigan out of the gym.
I put it in my mind to suck it up, and make him knock me out or fall himself! I wasn't going to fight scared, and I promised to let my hand go and if the worst happened, it would happen with me firing off all of my rounds.
Sometimes you can be so involved in your effort, that you sense it only as an out of body experience. That fight was like that. I could tell you what my goal was, and how I worked against him, but I don't know how it was that I did it. The stuff I had thought I was trying before in other matches, really wasn't any different from what I tried that night, except they would finally result in a victory.
Getting home late that night, with the world's biggest smile on my face, and a huge trophy, I plopped down on the couch in time to catch the 11 o'clock news. Somehow Michigan had beaten the Illini, and would go on to play Seton Hall for the championship!
STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS
I haven't had an 'up and out' entry in a while ... guess that is what this is. Reading about Ken and Beth's move of their parents really is hitting home with me. I don't know what Nebraska (the person) is going to be feeling, helping me get set up out there. Because something like that is so emotionally involving, I wonder how much 'emotion' is going to be involved with my going out there ...
Sometimes, I think about doing a complete end around, and just getting out there on my own. That is why I asked when should I tell her that I was going to come out there for my 'advance party' trip. See, I am not fooling myself into thinking that we are going to be anything more than good friends. Since I am doing this for myself, should I just go on out there and be getting things together by myself?
The town may be 'new' but the experience is a familiar one. We don't really talk this up too much ... and I don't know what she is thinking regarding my move. I will go more into this another time ...
Monday, May 25, 2009
QOTD
... OR YOU COULD CALL IT THE 'QUESTION OF THE DAY'...
When do I tell Nebraska the person that I have my ticket for Nebraska the place, to get my stuff started to find me an apartment?
Would love to hear from any and all ... will prolly get back to this subject at another point and time.
When do I tell Nebraska the person that I have my ticket for Nebraska the place, to get my stuff started to find me an apartment?
Would love to hear from any and all ... will prolly get back to this subject at another point and time.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HOW 'RANDOM' IS A THOUGHT?
Friday I had an interesting day ... but it began with a dare I took to actually THINK, and I mean really do some deep goat thinking, too.
Tuesday, April 28th Cathy dared me to think about a topic which I have pondered a time or two, superficially. This is not to say that I treat it lightly, but sometimes being an island isn't all that it is cracked up to be. In the end, I feel isolated because I isolate myself at times. I have only briefly spent time in the company of people I can speak candidly with about the things that cross my mind. At least here, I get to say what I am thinking about, and be spared all the comments from the peanut gallery (which has NOTHING to do with Nutwood Junction!).
I am smart enough to know that I am not that smart at all. There is so much that I don't know about stuff I would like to know about ... and this is an example of what I mean.
TIME, OH GIVE ME TIME
That most species of life are born with nearly complete 'identities', i.e., 'they are who they think they are', is something that I find fascinating. While it doesn't happen often, a new born creature can be born and develop into something approaching what is its true nature, with little involvement from a parental guide. There are some things that a cub just 'knows'. There is still a lot of discovery as well for the animal, but for the most part, what it needs to know, it 'knows'.
I have often in my life time, found myself wondering why is it that man needs such a long period, relatively and literally, of growth. I mean, from infancy to childhood (early child hood), to pre-puberty, and then to puberty/adolescence. Then after the years that it takes for the physical maturation, we are considered 'adults', and assumed to be ready to continue the process.
What IS the process?
Part of the arrogance of humanity is that we exist outside of the rules of nature that governs everything else. The line Agent Smith uses to describe humanities relationship to the planet, 'a virus', rings true to me. For whatever reason, we must manipulate the environment to exist, and could not live by simply 'living'.
This includes 'time'. What does 'time' mean? And what is its relevance to how we perceive the world around us ... and ourselves?
TIME MAKES LOVERS FEEL ... THAT THEY HAVE SOMETHING REAL
So I printed up Cathy's entry, to take around and study. I wanted to understand a little more of how she contemplates time. Though this was 'rabbit hole' stuff, I didn't think it could do much harm.
Working backwards, I went and watched one of my favorite films, 'Unforgiven'. It is a very nuanced film, one that I see a little differently each time I watch it. She had called me after she had dropped me home after 'doing nothing', going to Chili's to have a bit of a desert cake. While she was over to my house, I was going thru some stuff, putzing around and I came upon some lines from the movie that I felt had meaning to me. I read them and we talked about the scenes. It wasn't that we were thinking about the movie in particular.
She was over to the house because I was trying to book my 'scouting trip' to Nebraska. I wasn't having a lot of success, and she offered to come and help out. AKA's Mom does some travel stuff, and I do trust her as well as I would trust my Dad (if I trusted you like my sister's, that means I trust you thismuch more than I would trust a complete stranger ... that kind of betrayal is hard to come back from), so I did not have a problem with her figuring things out for me.
The hotel is maybe a lil' on the chippy side. But we both agreed that it doesn't make a difference. The big thing for me is to get the stuff filled out that I need to have filled out. When I move out there, that is when I will do my 'sight seeing'. Don't need to worry about where everything is at, when I will be coming back to Detroit. It doesn't make sense to me.
So I was a little frustrated trying to watch Oprah talk about how people who didn't think that they would fall into poverty and trying to figure out my trip. I will be leaving in October, and while I thought that Nebraska may have wanted me to come earlier, I felt that she could have put her two cents in, and helped a little more with the design of this mission.
As I asked myself, 'Do I want to do this', and 'Are you being silly, throwing yourself at a fantasy of noble, unrequited love', I thought how fortunate I was to have read two stories, 'How Love Came To Prof. Guildea' and 'Diary Of A Madman', to act as markers for me. If I was being like the emotionally distant Prof., or in the schizophrenic denial of the latter, it would not be without warning!! Some how, these two stories came into my life at a time where thoughts were forming around the idea of what love is, and would be in my mind.
Because I don't think that me liking her the way that I do means that she has to like me back with the same intensity, often, I wonder if she can really understand that. When I have said 'friendship', I mean exactly that. I know that I have attached a certain significance to her in my life, but as Mike Singletary said, "It's not like that."
PATTERNS
Because I believe in 'divine coincidence', when I read Cathy's post about time, I thought that it was itself an example of the very thought she was expressing. "... was I meant to think of this a week from now and for some reason I entered the time/space/thought realm. where everything connects? Or ... did you?" felt like it was snatched out of my mind. I mean all the 'small things' that lead to me keeping Nebraska, the person and the place in my mind ... I just went thru another round of clearing out random addresses ... and like I always have when I do this, I thought longingly about her.
And that kid that I beat up ... how nice he was and how much he liked where he was from. I could get there and find people who diss on it, the way you can come here and find Detroiters who rag on it. But when you ask how long have they lived in Detroit, and they say, '30 years', or 'moved here at one age, and never left', I wonder what gives them the right to complain.
Anywho, riding out to Garden City, to get the Visa gift card to pay for my trip and to thank the bike shop that fixed my trusty steed the last time I was out here. I mean, they really went above and beyond the call, making sure that the gears and chain were as good as new, 'flash lubed', you could say, in the fashion that the competitor's fish is 'flash frozen, making it fresher than fresh' in the Meijer's commercial.
That I went a different way, instead of the normal routine, made me look ahead to how it is going to be, in my new hometown. Guess, hope, speculation, all that is nearing a end. If I get there, and the vibe is like that house in Amityville (you know ... GET OUT!!) then this is money well spent. I would have hated to have never found out if I didn't feel it in the air.
Fought enough times in places that I 'could have if I would have' ... Phoenix and Vegas out west. There was that time I was in Knoxville ... and that town in WEST VIRGINIA ... but the last time I had to fight the gravity of a place was in Pittsburgh. Some of the people that I met are still doing their thing, and I could have been a part of their team, and maybe ... who knows?
That is part of why going to Nebraska is the best thing for me. I don't want to leave a stone unturned, especially when it is right in front of me. I don't have to question myself about going ... all the things in the 'fog' are but shadows in the twilight. I am not one to give in to questioning the fitness of my initial decision to action. The place is a byproduct of that action.
Tuesday, April 28th Cathy dared me to think about a topic which I have pondered a time or two, superficially. This is not to say that I treat it lightly, but sometimes being an island isn't all that it is cracked up to be. In the end, I feel isolated because I isolate myself at times. I have only briefly spent time in the company of people I can speak candidly with about the things that cross my mind. At least here, I get to say what I am thinking about, and be spared all the comments from the peanut gallery (which has NOTHING to do with Nutwood Junction!).
I am smart enough to know that I am not that smart at all. There is so much that I don't know about stuff I would like to know about ... and this is an example of what I mean.
TIME, OH GIVE ME TIME
That most species of life are born with nearly complete 'identities', i.e., 'they are who they think they are', is something that I find fascinating. While it doesn't happen often, a new born creature can be born and develop into something approaching what is its true nature, with little involvement from a parental guide. There are some things that a cub just 'knows'. There is still a lot of discovery as well for the animal, but for the most part, what it needs to know, it 'knows'.
I have often in my life time, found myself wondering why is it that man needs such a long period, relatively and literally, of growth. I mean, from infancy to childhood (early child hood), to pre-puberty, and then to puberty/adolescence. Then after the years that it takes for the physical maturation, we are considered 'adults', and assumed to be ready to continue the process.
What IS the process?
Part of the arrogance of humanity is that we exist outside of the rules of nature that governs everything else. The line Agent Smith uses to describe humanities relationship to the planet, 'a virus', rings true to me. For whatever reason, we must manipulate the environment to exist, and could not live by simply 'living'.
This includes 'time'. What does 'time' mean? And what is its relevance to how we perceive the world around us ... and ourselves?
TIME MAKES LOVERS FEEL ... THAT THEY HAVE SOMETHING REAL
So I printed up Cathy's entry, to take around and study. I wanted to understand a little more of how she contemplates time. Though this was 'rabbit hole' stuff, I didn't think it could do much harm.
Working backwards, I went and watched one of my favorite films, 'Unforgiven'. It is a very nuanced film, one that I see a little differently each time I watch it. She had called me after she had dropped me home after 'doing nothing', going to Chili's to have a bit of a desert cake. While she was over to my house, I was going thru some stuff, putzing around and I came upon some lines from the movie that I felt had meaning to me. I read them and we talked about the scenes. It wasn't that we were thinking about the movie in particular.
She was over to the house because I was trying to book my 'scouting trip' to Nebraska. I wasn't having a lot of success, and she offered to come and help out. AKA's Mom does some travel stuff, and I do trust her as well as I would trust my Dad (if I trusted you like my sister's, that means I trust you thismuch more than I would trust a complete stranger ... that kind of betrayal is hard to come back from), so I did not have a problem with her figuring things out for me.
The hotel is maybe a lil' on the chippy side. But we both agreed that it doesn't make a difference. The big thing for me is to get the stuff filled out that I need to have filled out. When I move out there, that is when I will do my 'sight seeing'. Don't need to worry about where everything is at, when I will be coming back to Detroit. It doesn't make sense to me.
So I was a little frustrated trying to watch Oprah talk about how people who didn't think that they would fall into poverty and trying to figure out my trip. I will be leaving in October, and while I thought that Nebraska may have wanted me to come earlier, I felt that she could have put her two cents in, and helped a little more with the design of this mission.
As I asked myself, 'Do I want to do this', and 'Are you being silly, throwing yourself at a fantasy of noble, unrequited love', I thought how fortunate I was to have read two stories, 'How Love Came To Prof. Guildea' and 'Diary Of A Madman', to act as markers for me. If I was being like the emotionally distant Prof., or in the schizophrenic denial of the latter, it would not be without warning!! Some how, these two stories came into my life at a time where thoughts were forming around the idea of what love is, and would be in my mind.
Because I don't think that me liking her the way that I do means that she has to like me back with the same intensity, often, I wonder if she can really understand that. When I have said 'friendship', I mean exactly that. I know that I have attached a certain significance to her in my life, but as Mike Singletary said, "It's not like that."
PATTERNS
Because I believe in 'divine coincidence', when I read Cathy's post about time, I thought that it was itself an example of the very thought she was expressing. "... was I meant to think of this a week from now and for some reason I entered the time/space/thought realm. where everything connects? Or ... did you?" felt like it was snatched out of my mind. I mean all the 'small things' that lead to me keeping Nebraska, the person and the place in my mind ... I just went thru another round of clearing out random addresses ... and like I always have when I do this, I thought longingly about her.
And that kid that I beat up ... how nice he was and how much he liked where he was from. I could get there and find people who diss on it, the way you can come here and find Detroiters who rag on it. But when you ask how long have they lived in Detroit, and they say, '30 years', or 'moved here at one age, and never left', I wonder what gives them the right to complain.
Anywho, riding out to Garden City, to get the Visa gift card to pay for my trip and to thank the bike shop that fixed my trusty steed the last time I was out here. I mean, they really went above and beyond the call, making sure that the gears and chain were as good as new, 'flash lubed', you could say, in the fashion that the competitor's fish is 'flash frozen, making it fresher than fresh' in the Meijer's commercial.
That I went a different way, instead of the normal routine, made me look ahead to how it is going to be, in my new hometown. Guess, hope, speculation, all that is nearing a end. If I get there, and the vibe is like that house in Amityville (you know ... GET OUT!!) then this is money well spent. I would have hated to have never found out if I didn't feel it in the air.
Fought enough times in places that I 'could have if I would have' ... Phoenix and Vegas out west. There was that time I was in Knoxville ... and that town in WEST VIRGINIA ... but the last time I had to fight the gravity of a place was in Pittsburgh. Some of the people that I met are still doing their thing, and I could have been a part of their team, and maybe ... who knows?
That is part of why going to Nebraska is the best thing for me. I don't want to leave a stone unturned, especially when it is right in front of me. I don't have to question myself about going ... all the things in the 'fog' are but shadows in the twilight. I am not one to give in to questioning the fitness of my initial decision to action. The place is a byproduct of that action.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
WHAT IS ON TAP FOR THE SUMMER
A LOT MORE STUFF LIKE THIS!
*will spare you the video* Woke up with the band Split Enz on my mind ... particularly the song 'Six Months In A Leaky Boat'. At first, I was going to 'facebook it', save some of the lines for my page over there. But man, I have more feeling, true 'memories' associated to this song.
There was a comic book store, 'Classic Comics' that me and my then B.F.F who would go on to Yale would go to and pick up comics. The Harmony House was in a shopping area over across the street from the Farmington Civic ('CC' has moved, the 'House' closed, but the Civic is still doing its thing!). All of this is not too far from where Skye lives ...
... one trip there to get comics, I stopped and picked up this 45. It was 'Six Months In A Leaky Boat', and it makes my eyes well a little, at the pleasant memories this song brings to mind. I would listen to this, spinning the globe at home in my room imagining myself a Magellan and sailing the seas. I would listen to this, sometimes putting on 'Brandy' and think about what I would do when I got old enough.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY
If I met someone in Nebraska and I liked them enough, I'd go and get my passport. Right now, the last thing I feel like doing is traveling abroad. Whenever the last time I crossed the oceans, I got a 'sensation' that I haven't forgotten. Plenty to do in North America thank you very much.
That is something that I am glad I had a decent shot at, going somewhere else for a bit. Had a shot at the romance of living. I think that people can see that, especially when they are talking about what they want to do with their lives. I took my own advice this week, in planning out my trip. That it may not go off as smoothly as other adventures, is something I am going to have to get used to. My 'normal' is something I have to adjust to, and I am doing that every day. Since it would be the same kind of thing if I remained here, may as well go somewhere new, I say!! The spirit of a sailor circumnavigates the globe ... the lust of a pioneer will acknowledge no frontier!!
THE TYRANNY OF DISTANCE DIDN'T STOP THE CAVALIER ...
SO WHY SHOULD IT STOP ME? I'LL CONQUER AND STAY FREE!!!
When I think about standing on a corner in downtown Hooterville, Nebraska (when it becomes my town, I will call it; it is still HER town, and I think I will let that be that for now) looking around for a landmark, trying to get oriented, I tell myself it is just like it is going downtown ...
... when I went there before I got with Hutch the other day, I asked a lady where I was headed. I couldn't quite place where it was, and she didn't quite know herself, being from Ann Arbor and all. I asked a nearby meter maid, and she pointed me in the right direction. I then said to the first lass that she was going to have me as lost as she was!! She laughed and said, 'it would have been what I get, smiling and looking cute and all!' I think she said that because I felt good and it was showing.
I gave AKA my copy of 'Quiet Strength' by Tony Dungy. She sees me thumbing thru it enough, so she knows that I like it a lot. Which is why I gave it to her, impromptu, and when she was in a good mood. She is a smart girl and she understands what it means to me as well as how I incorporate stuff into my life. She also knows and understands how I came by it ...
...and that is that with that.
Last month, when she had her case of 'the whatever', I thought that she needed to read it. I took pains not to SPEAK from it, lest the hypocrisy monkey set upon me. When she was in a better mood, I felt it would feel more gift like, you know? I will get another copy from John King books ... but with the history of this copy, I thought it may mean a little more to her.
I JUST SPENT SIX MONTHS IN A LEAKY BOAT
Or however long it has been for me, taking on water. I can make out the faint edges of a shoreline, though as for that, it could be the illusion of the curvature of the earth. Yet again.
I am so looking forward to getting to 'land' and telling my tales of my voyage. Maybe I will have even developed a style, and may try my hand at writing fiction when I get to Nebraska. Who knows?
*will spare you the video* Woke up with the band Split Enz on my mind ... particularly the song 'Six Months In A Leaky Boat'. At first, I was going to 'facebook it', save some of the lines for my page over there. But man, I have more feeling, true 'memories' associated to this song.
There was a comic book store, 'Classic Comics' that me and my then B.F.F who would go on to Yale would go to and pick up comics. The Harmony House was in a shopping area over across the street from the Farmington Civic ('CC' has moved, the 'House' closed, but the Civic is still doing its thing!). All of this is not too far from where Skye lives ...
... one trip there to get comics, I stopped and picked up this 45. It was 'Six Months In A Leaky Boat', and it makes my eyes well a little, at the pleasant memories this song brings to mind. I would listen to this, spinning the globe at home in my room imagining myself a Magellan and sailing the seas. I would listen to this, sometimes putting on 'Brandy' and think about what I would do when I got old enough.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY
If I met someone in Nebraska and I liked them enough, I'd go and get my passport. Right now, the last thing I feel like doing is traveling abroad. Whenever the last time I crossed the oceans, I got a 'sensation' that I haven't forgotten. Plenty to do in North America thank you very much.
That is something that I am glad I had a decent shot at, going somewhere else for a bit. Had a shot at the romance of living. I think that people can see that, especially when they are talking about what they want to do with their lives. I took my own advice this week, in planning out my trip. That it may not go off as smoothly as other adventures, is something I am going to have to get used to. My 'normal' is something I have to adjust to, and I am doing that every day. Since it would be the same kind of thing if I remained here, may as well go somewhere new, I say!! The spirit of a sailor circumnavigates the globe ... the lust of a pioneer will acknowledge no frontier!!
THE TYRANNY OF DISTANCE DIDN'T STOP THE CAVALIER ...
SO WHY SHOULD IT STOP ME? I'LL CONQUER AND STAY FREE!!!
When I think about standing on a corner in downtown Hooterville, Nebraska (when it becomes my town, I will call it; it is still HER town, and I think I will let that be that for now) looking around for a landmark, trying to get oriented, I tell myself it is just like it is going downtown ...
... when I went there before I got with Hutch the other day, I asked a lady where I was headed. I couldn't quite place where it was, and she didn't quite know herself, being from Ann Arbor and all. I asked a nearby meter maid, and she pointed me in the right direction. I then said to the first lass that she was going to have me as lost as she was!! She laughed and said, 'it would have been what I get, smiling and looking cute and all!' I think she said that because I felt good and it was showing.
I gave AKA my copy of 'Quiet Strength' by Tony Dungy. She sees me thumbing thru it enough, so she knows that I like it a lot. Which is why I gave it to her, impromptu, and when she was in a good mood. She is a smart girl and she understands what it means to me as well as how I incorporate stuff into my life. She also knows and understands how I came by it ...
...and that is that with that.
Last month, when she had her case of 'the whatever', I thought that she needed to read it. I took pains not to SPEAK from it, lest the hypocrisy monkey set upon me. When she was in a better mood, I felt it would feel more gift like, you know? I will get another copy from John King books ... but with the history of this copy, I thought it may mean a little more to her.
I JUST SPENT SIX MONTHS IN A LEAKY BOAT
Or however long it has been for me, taking on water. I can make out the faint edges of a shoreline, though as for that, it could be the illusion of the curvature of the earth. Yet again.
I am so looking forward to getting to 'land' and telling my tales of my voyage. Maybe I will have even developed a style, and may try my hand at writing fiction when I get to Nebraska. Who knows?
WHY DON'T YOU FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF?
THE SANEST DAYS ARE MAD...
*deep breath* I don't have a MC or Visa card, but Hutch does. I hope to get with him this weekend and book a flight to ... NEBRASKA.
Picked dates in October, and did as much scouting on line as I could ... it makes me nervous with expectation, trying to figure out where things were to each other in my 'new' hometown. Worse case scenario, I will have to fetch one of those prepaid thingys, and see what happens.
What spurred me to take this step is the ad on the welcome screen talking about the big savings on trips. And I thought ... now is the time. I mean, I ask myself often about being wrong. Nothing flippant here, I mean there are some concerns. I won't have to let my Dad know anything until September, but it makes me nervous to think about making such a big, big move.
But man, when I remember that I didn't think this much about driving down to Toledo with THAT woman years ago ...
THEN YOU'LL SEE THE PRICE ...
To purchase this package, will be a huge step for me. I have been figuring things out and have asked myself all the questions ... from getting from the Airport to my hotel, and from my hotel to where I need to go to do my housing paperwork. Before, when I would speak with Nebraska about this trip, I think we couldn't come to terms because for me, it is fine for it to be utilitarian visit. To 'show off' the place would be overkill. Besides, I don't budget for 'extras'.
I told her, as long as I get the paperwork filled out, I can sit in my room until it is time for my flight to leave ... and I am serious. What more should I worry about after getting the big thing done? Same thing regarding my permanent move. Just make sure the utilities are on, and I will be fine. I have slept on floors, cars, and OUTSIDE, not in a tent either.
Perhaps her sense of responsibility and civic pride gets a tad bruised when I have spoken about what COULD happen if things aren't what I hope they will be. The uncertainty is normal because when you are trying to do something major in your life, you will have to talk yourself into actually going on and doing what you think is THE thing to do.
And it isn't the thing to do because you have talked yourself into it, it is the thing to do because IT IS.
...VERY CLOSELY
Besides, I am sure that once I get to do an 'on site' inspection, I will feel a sense of vindication. See, one of those 'degrees of separation' from our lives that makes up part of my 'intuitive sense' is there as well. That it was made AFTER our meet in '07, makes it mean even more to me.
Do plan on doing a lot more 'listening' than 'talking' when I move there. I am thinking that once I get my paperwork done, I will be leaving Detroit around March or April. If there is any quality about me that gets misinterpreted the most, it is my ability to follow and still consider myself 'the man'. It is sorta 'theory and practice' kind of issue. I have found that the better the quality of person that 'she' is, the less of a point of contention that is.
Anywho, I think that I can trust her to do right by me.
REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT DARING
That is for the butterflies!!
*deep breath* I don't have a MC or Visa card, but Hutch does. I hope to get with him this weekend and book a flight to ... NEBRASKA.
Picked dates in October, and did as much scouting on line as I could ... it makes me nervous with expectation, trying to figure out where things were to each other in my 'new' hometown. Worse case scenario, I will have to fetch one of those prepaid thingys, and see what happens.
What spurred me to take this step is the ad on the welcome screen talking about the big savings on trips. And I thought ... now is the time. I mean, I ask myself often about being wrong. Nothing flippant here, I mean there are some concerns. I won't have to let my Dad know anything until September, but it makes me nervous to think about making such a big, big move.
But man, when I remember that I didn't think this much about driving down to Toledo with THAT woman years ago ...
THEN YOU'LL SEE THE PRICE ...
To purchase this package, will be a huge step for me. I have been figuring things out and have asked myself all the questions ... from getting from the Airport to my hotel, and from my hotel to where I need to go to do my housing paperwork. Before, when I would speak with Nebraska about this trip, I think we couldn't come to terms because for me, it is fine for it to be utilitarian visit. To 'show off' the place would be overkill. Besides, I don't budget for 'extras'.
I told her, as long as I get the paperwork filled out, I can sit in my room until it is time for my flight to leave ... and I am serious. What more should I worry about after getting the big thing done? Same thing regarding my permanent move. Just make sure the utilities are on, and I will be fine. I have slept on floors, cars, and OUTSIDE, not in a tent either.
Perhaps her sense of responsibility and civic pride gets a tad bruised when I have spoken about what COULD happen if things aren't what I hope they will be. The uncertainty is normal because when you are trying to do something major in your life, you will have to talk yourself into actually going on and doing what you think is THE thing to do.
And it isn't the thing to do because you have talked yourself into it, it is the thing to do because IT IS.
...VERY CLOSELY
Besides, I am sure that once I get to do an 'on site' inspection, I will feel a sense of vindication. See, one of those 'degrees of separation' from our lives that makes up part of my 'intuitive sense' is there as well. That it was made AFTER our meet in '07, makes it mean even more to me.
Do plan on doing a lot more 'listening' than 'talking' when I move there. I am thinking that once I get my paperwork done, I will be leaving Detroit around March or April. If there is any quality about me that gets misinterpreted the most, it is my ability to follow and still consider myself 'the man'. It is sorta 'theory and practice' kind of issue. I have found that the better the quality of person that 'she' is, the less of a point of contention that is.
Anywho, I think that I can trust her to do right by me.
REMEMBER THAT NOTHING IS ACCOMPLISHED WITHOUT DARING
That is for the butterflies!!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
SO WHAT'S IT LIKE?
WHEN YOU WERE MINE(content ALERT!!!)
I was reading someone else journal, and they were talking about their first time. Do you remember yours?
That was something that I remember the '4 W's' to (the who, what, when and where). If you have to wonder 'why', then you have led too sheltered a life!!
Now, was it that big of a production? No!! It was a mess, and it immediately changed how I would think about the 'act'.
YOU LET ALL MY FRIENDS COME OVER AND ME
It was a house party at someone house, who knew someone else, who had keys to an empty house. At this point, I would like to establish how coincidence strikes in my life. My Best Aunt, who at the time, lived about two blocks from where the party was held, which was around the corner from my high school senior at the time, ex wife. We were in and out of the same neighborhood for YEARS before we actually met. I had always thought she looked familiar when I first met her, and then when I found out where her Grammy and her Mom lived ...
... at the party, the girl I would make my first, and my first girlfriend (we hung like rags for a semester, then got stupid) did not go to my high school. She went to Axel Foley High, and was there at the same time another person in my life was there ... TEE JAY.
... if you ever wonder why I kick over the ashes from my life, it is because FOR SURE, the answers to my future have been revealed to me ... I can make odd associations for BUNCHES of people in my life, then and RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW. I truly believe that I have enough answers to go on from here, that isn't just talk.
My first girl was a talented girl, she could sing really well. I would eventually go see her performe in a couple of school musicals. But that covers the who she was/how'd you meet part of things.
We would do the teen dating by phone, until one night she was like Maculay Caulkin, HOME ALONE. She asked if I could get away, and away I got!!
It was my first time, and there was pressure because she had been down the block already!! That DID NOT EVER BOTHER ME. Everybody's first time doesn't have to be someone elses first time. But as the guy, I guess the performance anxiety was pretty high. I was supposed to know what I was doing. I didn't know how to get out of my OWN CLOTHES, much get her out of hers!!
I remember she was cool about it, and she wanted ME. I can't forget that. She wanted me when she first saw me at the party, wanted me when we chatted on the phone, and obviously wanted me right then.
My wife messed all this up. I had only known about someone wanting to be with me, and me wanting to be with them. My first, the second, then Jenny in the service (after which, I began to roll up the stats), people had liked me A LOT. So when I met my ex, I felt like I had done enough 'dirt', time to settle down.
And that brings me to what I wish now that I knew then ... that everyone doesn't have to be as into you, to try to get with you. I have no real idea of why my ex wanted me. With my first girl, I didn't understand why she was so into me. I had been spoiled, because between the two, everyone did really like me, which is why I feel so lucky when it comes to relationships. The only person that did not like me, and I have told her to her face, is my ex wife.
Gee ... I was supposed to simply say who, how'd we meet, where it happened, and what do I wish I knew then that I know now.
AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO CARRY REGRETS
Go on and lie when you answer this question-- Norman Rockwell is a great painter.
He carried the burden of making quintessential Americana art, when everyone was raving about the European artist. He wasn't taken seriously as a Matisse or Picasso, mainly because everyone liked his stuff. He wanted to paint 'serious' stuff, but the commercial stuff paid better ... and I wonder if he wished that he stuck to his guns and painted the other stuff?
This cat was a serious artist. His subtle treatment of blacks in his paintings made me think that he was prolly more sympathetic than people know, than at least I know. You can see it in his art.
He painted so that you can feel what he felt observing whatever it was. One of my favourite pieces of his work, is his self portrait. He observes himself in three ways, in a 'shade' by a mirror, unfinished on the 'work' that his painter self on the canvas is creating, then as he sees himself. The folds on his shirt, his profile, everything was outstanding.
Hutch and I went together as I ran a couple of the errands for my Best Sister. Now she is going to have to do something on her end. It won't be done on my end, that is for sure.
MORE 'FRIENDS ON THE BACKROADS OF LIFE'
Not that I won't make any serious observations of any relevance to my life, but I aim to take it light for this summer. It is going to be tough enough getting my ducks in a row, to be dwelling on stuff for the sake of dwelling on stuff.
Not that I won't be making entries here, but my goal is to keep it light, hang with AKA and Hutch, and let time pass. So anyone new to this, may want to check me out here as well.
I was reading someone else journal, and they were talking about their first time. Do you remember yours?
That was something that I remember the '4 W's' to (the who, what, when and where). If you have to wonder 'why', then you have led too sheltered a life!!
Now, was it that big of a production? No!! It was a mess, and it immediately changed how I would think about the 'act'.
YOU LET ALL MY FRIENDS COME OVER AND ME
It was a house party at someone house, who knew someone else, who had keys to an empty house. At this point, I would like to establish how coincidence strikes in my life. My Best Aunt, who at the time, lived about two blocks from where the party was held, which was around the corner from my high school senior at the time, ex wife. We were in and out of the same neighborhood for YEARS before we actually met. I had always thought she looked familiar when I first met her, and then when I found out where her Grammy and her Mom lived ...
... at the party, the girl I would make my first, and my first girlfriend (we hung like rags for a semester, then got stupid) did not go to my high school. She went to Axel Foley High, and was there at the same time another person in my life was there ... TEE JAY.
... if you ever wonder why I kick over the ashes from my life, it is because FOR SURE, the answers to my future have been revealed to me ... I can make odd associations for BUNCHES of people in my life, then and RIGHT FREAKIN' NOW. I truly believe that I have enough answers to go on from here, that isn't just talk.
My first girl was a talented girl, she could sing really well. I would eventually go see her performe in a couple of school musicals. But that covers the who she was/how'd you meet part of things.
We would do the teen dating by phone, until one night she was like Maculay Caulkin, HOME ALONE. She asked if I could get away, and away I got!!
It was my first time, and there was pressure because she had been down the block already!! That DID NOT EVER BOTHER ME. Everybody's first time doesn't have to be someone elses first time. But as the guy, I guess the performance anxiety was pretty high. I was supposed to know what I was doing. I didn't know how to get out of my OWN CLOTHES, much get her out of hers!!
I remember she was cool about it, and she wanted ME. I can't forget that. She wanted me when she first saw me at the party, wanted me when we chatted on the phone, and obviously wanted me right then.
My wife messed all this up. I had only known about someone wanting to be with me, and me wanting to be with them. My first, the second, then Jenny in the service (after which, I began to roll up the stats), people had liked me A LOT. So when I met my ex, I felt like I had done enough 'dirt', time to settle down.
And that brings me to what I wish now that I knew then ... that everyone doesn't have to be as into you, to try to get with you. I have no real idea of why my ex wanted me. With my first girl, I didn't understand why she was so into me. I had been spoiled, because between the two, everyone did really like me, which is why I feel so lucky when it comes to relationships. The only person that did not like me, and I have told her to her face, is my ex wife.
Gee ... I was supposed to simply say who, how'd we meet, where it happened, and what do I wish I knew then that I know now.
AND YOU THINK YOU HAVE TO CARRY REGRETS
Go on and lie when you answer this question-- Norman Rockwell is a great painter.
He carried the burden of making quintessential Americana art, when everyone was raving about the European artist. He wasn't taken seriously as a Matisse or Picasso, mainly because everyone liked his stuff. He wanted to paint 'serious' stuff, but the commercial stuff paid better ... and I wonder if he wished that he stuck to his guns and painted the other stuff?
This cat was a serious artist. His subtle treatment of blacks in his paintings made me think that he was prolly more sympathetic than people know, than at least I know. You can see it in his art.
He painted so that you can feel what he felt observing whatever it was. One of my favourite pieces of his work, is his self portrait. He observes himself in three ways, in a 'shade' by a mirror, unfinished on the 'work' that his painter self on the canvas is creating, then as he sees himself. The folds on his shirt, his profile, everything was outstanding.
Hutch and I went together as I ran a couple of the errands for my Best Sister. Now she is going to have to do something on her end. It won't be done on my end, that is for sure.
MORE 'FRIENDS ON THE BACKROADS OF LIFE'
Not that I won't make any serious observations of any relevance to my life, but I aim to take it light for this summer. It is going to be tough enough getting my ducks in a row, to be dwelling on stuff for the sake of dwelling on stuff.
Not that I won't be making entries here, but my goal is to keep it light, hang with AKA and Hutch, and let time pass. So anyone new to this, may want to check me out here as well.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
THE VIRTUE OF SELFISHNESS
BECAUSE I MAY KNOW THE ENVIRONMENT ...
...doesn't mean that I have to like it.
Anywho, my hometown has pretty much done good by me. From late nights catching the Grand River bus up from a night doing whatever on 'Greek block' (they call it 'Greektown' but its only ONE STREET?!?!), to walking thru Brightmoor in the late night back home, it hasn't done me any real harm. The only times I have been 'drew down' on, has been in my beloved Carolina and in Georgia.
I have a 'love-hate' with my hometown because it could be so much better. Had we had real municipal leadership, it would have made a world of difference. Pittsburgh, which was a one horse town, bit down hard and has switched how they do things there. Detroit the city, mirrors the condition of the Auto Industry. There is no direction, and I have to wonder if it this won't be the first big city to become a 'regional pit', full of the waste and garbage from the outer Metro areas.
NEBRASKA CONCEPT
One of the sneaky aspects of 'Mission Creep', is that it only begins after you start reaching some of your aimed for goals. Otherwise, there would be nothing to 'creep' from. You'd be still 'engaged' in the dynamics of achieving your marks.
There are some things involving my Best Sister that contributed to my worry of 'Creep', but I will do what I have to do on my end. SHE is going to have to want something to happen from her end, if she wants what she claims to want. Also, Nebraska the person sometimes gets impatient and expresses her concerns. I try not to pay her much mind. I may be going there because of her, but it is NOT for her. It is for me. She is a catalyst to be sure, but not the 'end all, be all' that represents why I am headed out there. It is for me, to be sure.
I haven't explained it to her, but when I left the 'provincial town ...', I gave myself a 18 to 24 month window. If things went super special, I would be out of here at the end of this year. If not, should I be journaling from this spot at this time next year, there'd be some 'splainin' to do.
Should her life take her where she hopes it does, then that is her life, right? What ever it is I do, is going to be on me anyway. What would it mean for me if she wasn't 'there' when I get there? That is a part of my 'Creep', what would it mean for me, should she not be there to help me get acclimated, to simply help me GET THERE in the first place.
Whatever it is that I think would take for me to get me off to a good start, is what I am planning for. Of course, money is a big, big factor in this equation. There is also some logistical details that factor in as well. And when it comes down to her impatience, it violates a tenet of mine, the 'you can tell me what, or show me how' rule.
She thinks I should move out there, because her spot is more conducive to what she knows of me. This we are in full agreement on. I have an idea of what I am getting into, based on the lay of the land, the 'special' that she represents, and my own sense of self. Add to this my previous experience, and this was for me, a done deal the moment she came up with the notion.
If she wants me there NOW, then tell me how I should make that happen. If you can't tell me how something should be done, then you have to let me do it the best way that I know how. Can't wait for that to happen, then you do the heavy lifting. Period.
She does NOT have to be there for me to go out west. And that is part of where the six month 'overtime' comes in. I feel good enough about myself to grab a dart and throw it at a map ... just as long as it doesn't land 'down east'. Too darn cold messin' with the ocean and everything! Plus, all the creepy stuff in the mini series 'Storm of the Century' may yet happen!! Would rather NOT be in Maine for that!!
Thinking about anything other than making the move happen, only complicates things for me. I don't 'what if' much of anything, no more than absolutely necessary.
Well, it is late enough ... tomorrow going to the DIA and doing some stuff at the Penobscot, with the pleasant ladies at the F.O.C.
Oooh, what fun!
...doesn't mean that I have to like it.
Detroit is my home town, and contrary to Steven Perry's wail on 'Don't Stop Believin', I have never heard anyone say 'South Detroit'. I hear 'Southwest' all the time ... Perry Watson made Southwestern High a premier basketball high school, but I can't imagine anyone local saying 'south Detroit'. Maybe he confused it with Philly ... oh, and only Chicago has a 'north side'.
Anywho, my hometown has pretty much done good by me. From late nights catching the Grand River bus up from a night doing whatever on 'Greek block' (they call it 'Greektown' but its only ONE STREET?!?!), to walking thru Brightmoor in the late night back home, it hasn't done me any real harm. The only times I have been 'drew down' on, has been in my beloved Carolina and in Georgia.
I have a 'love-hate' with my hometown because it could be so much better. Had we had real municipal leadership, it would have made a world of difference. Pittsburgh, which was a one horse town, bit down hard and has switched how they do things there. Detroit the city, mirrors the condition of the Auto Industry. There is no direction, and I have to wonder if it this won't be the first big city to become a 'regional pit', full of the waste and garbage from the outer Metro areas.
NEBRASKA CONCEPT
One of the sneaky aspects of 'Mission Creep', is that it only begins after you start reaching some of your aimed for goals. Otherwise, there would be nothing to 'creep' from. You'd be still 'engaged' in the dynamics of achieving your marks.
There are some things involving my Best Sister that contributed to my worry of 'Creep', but I will do what I have to do on my end. SHE is going to have to want something to happen from her end, if she wants what she claims to want. Also, Nebraska the person sometimes gets impatient and expresses her concerns. I try not to pay her much mind. I may be going there because of her, but it is NOT for her. It is for me. She is a catalyst to be sure, but not the 'end all, be all' that represents why I am headed out there. It is for me, to be sure.
I haven't explained it to her, but when I left the 'provincial town ...', I gave myself a 18 to 24 month window. If things went super special, I would be out of here at the end of this year. If not, should I be journaling from this spot at this time next year, there'd be some 'splainin' to do.
Should her life take her where she hopes it does, then that is her life, right? What ever it is I do, is going to be on me anyway. What would it mean for me if she wasn't 'there' when I get there? That is a part of my 'Creep', what would it mean for me, should she not be there to help me get acclimated, to simply help me GET THERE in the first place.
Whatever it is that I think would take for me to get me off to a good start, is what I am planning for. Of course, money is a big, big factor in this equation. There is also some logistical details that factor in as well. And when it comes down to her impatience, it violates a tenet of mine, the 'you can tell me what, or show me how' rule.
She thinks I should move out there, because her spot is more conducive to what she knows of me. This we are in full agreement on. I have an idea of what I am getting into, based on the lay of the land, the 'special' that she represents, and my own sense of self. Add to this my previous experience, and this was for me, a done deal the moment she came up with the notion.
If she wants me there NOW, then tell me how I should make that happen. If you can't tell me how something should be done, then you have to let me do it the best way that I know how. Can't wait for that to happen, then you do the heavy lifting. Period.
She does NOT have to be there for me to go out west. And that is part of where the six month 'overtime' comes in. I feel good enough about myself to grab a dart and throw it at a map ... just as long as it doesn't land 'down east'. Too darn cold messin' with the ocean and everything! Plus, all the creepy stuff in the mini series 'Storm of the Century' may yet happen!! Would rather NOT be in Maine for that!!
Thinking about anything other than making the move happen, only complicates things for me. I don't 'what if' much of anything, no more than absolutely necessary.
Well, it is late enough ... tomorrow going to the DIA and doing some stuff at the Penobscot, with the pleasant ladies at the F.O.C.
Oooh, what fun!
SPANKY'S HE-MAN WOMAN HATERS CLUB
PERHAPS, I DO HAVE MY CARD SOMEWHERE
Made a spaghetti dinner last night, and I invited AKA over. We hung late, watching '24' and the last two fascinating hours of 'An American Experience' on PBS. It was about the Kennedy's, and the details to the stories I had been guessing at, were made clearer. Now I have all new guesses!
Walking her out to her car, I found myself thinking about how I carry myself with her. I have been going on about how some women in the Motor prefer this kind of cat, when I am that kind of cat (even knowing full well that they are not related) ... and I asked myself if it was still about that for me? Was I still reacting with the 16-year old mind? The confused kid who didn't know what made the cat who looked like Easy E more appealing, and why 'having fun' getting blatantly disrespected was any more appealing than trying to do different things other than get stuck in traffic at Belle Isle and into brawls at the Northland Mall?
So what was it about women, black women particularly again that I was going on about?
AT WHAT POINT, DOES ANY OF THIS STOP MEANING ANYTHING??
With the unofficial start of summer bearing down on me, I am wondering how much of this is necessary, what ever it is that I am doing. After all, I chose this course that I am on, didn't I?
One of the reasons that I don't bother too much pondering on Tee Jay and thinking of Mookie even less, is that they have made their choice very clear. I've been thinking that I had made mine as well.
I don't do road work over in 'known areas of possible connection' anymore. Since I haven't allowed Jenny's contact to mean I should run over and knock on Tee Jay's door, I should just cut that cord.
*snip*, *snip* ... CUT ... HACK, HACK, HACK!! (slightly thicker than I though it would be!!)
Mookie doesn't call me, and I don't have reason to call her. Other than finding her attractive on a superficial level (I find her pretty, and she IS a nice person), we don't have a lot, if anything, in common. Were I actually to have 'missed' anything from our time together, it was being a part of lil' Mook growing up.
BECAUSE YOU SEE, NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM
One of the problems that I think adversely affects relationships is that men and women have been conditioned to accept that we think differently and of all the pervasive stereotypes that exist, sexism is the hardest to overcome.
Whenever I hear a sister say, 'I can do bad by myself', the implication being that black men are 'emotional drag coefficients' to their lives, I think back to what Wayne Dyer speaks on regarding the reaction of the source of all things to that thinking.
If you keep saying and talking bad about things, particularly if they are objects of desire, then don't be surprised when all life responds with is exactly what you are bitching about. By doing that you are designing your own failure in your pursuits. That is something too many black women spend time doing when it comes to relationships. And if they are not doing that, they are 'fishing in a polluted pond'. Doing so GLADLY. What can you tell them? The so called 'bad boys' end up disappointing them in the end. And they KNOW THIS, man!!
Don't know how many times I have heard a woman say that they like bad boys, and the degradation that comes from that association. It isn't that women don't understand what they want in their relationships, their objectives. Often, they value the wrong qualities in people, and mistake temporary things as indicators of long term substance in a person.
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Though he said that with men as the subject, I happen to think it is more applicable to women. But the upshot of it for me is, that what women mistake as 'love', isn't love. Because I don't understand how it is that what women see as 'love' or as 'lovable' can be mistaken for anything like authentic affections to build a relationship on.
ACCEPTING THE WORD OF ONE WHO KNOWS
There is stuff that is too darn deep, to intricate for me to understand. For where I am, and the level of life I aspire to, I think I will have to work with what I have. Every 'why' doesn't need to be answered, as much as it has to be overcome.
Much about relationships are 'chicken or the egg' type of questions ... I know I have lined up on one side of things, and that is from where I make my approach. For instance, the paradoxes that create the false perceptions that I may be subject to, are beyond my control. As long as I know 'how' I am going to do what I am going to do, I have to figure that I am good!
Right now, my concerns are centered around going out to fill my housing paperwork out, which I should do in October. Once that happens, it will be getting my stuff from 'here' to 'there'. And that is that with that!
Made a spaghetti dinner last night, and I invited AKA over. We hung late, watching '24' and the last two fascinating hours of 'An American Experience' on PBS. It was about the Kennedy's, and the details to the stories I had been guessing at, were made clearer. Now I have all new guesses!
Walking her out to her car, I found myself thinking about how I carry myself with her. I have been going on about how some women in the Motor prefer this kind of cat, when I am that kind of cat (even knowing full well that they are not related) ... and I asked myself if it was still about that for me? Was I still reacting with the 16-year old mind? The confused kid who didn't know what made the cat who looked like Easy E more appealing, and why 'having fun' getting blatantly disrespected was any more appealing than trying to do different things other than get stuck in traffic at Belle Isle and into brawls at the Northland Mall?
So what was it about women, black women particularly again that I was going on about?
AT WHAT POINT, DOES ANY OF THIS STOP MEANING ANYTHING??
With the unofficial start of summer bearing down on me, I am wondering how much of this is necessary, what ever it is that I am doing. After all, I chose this course that I am on, didn't I?
One of the reasons that I don't bother too much pondering on Tee Jay and thinking of Mookie even less, is that they have made their choice very clear. I've been thinking that I had made mine as well.
I don't do road work over in 'known areas of possible connection' anymore. Since I haven't allowed Jenny's contact to mean I should run over and knock on Tee Jay's door, I should just cut that cord.
*snip*, *snip* ... CUT ... HACK, HACK, HACK!! (slightly thicker than I though it would be!!)
Mookie doesn't call me, and I don't have reason to call her. Other than finding her attractive on a superficial level (I find her pretty, and she IS a nice person), we don't have a lot, if anything, in common. Were I actually to have 'missed' anything from our time together, it was being a part of lil' Mook growing up.
BECAUSE YOU SEE, NATURE ABHORS A VACUUM
One of the problems that I think adversely affects relationships is that men and women have been conditioned to accept that we think differently and of all the pervasive stereotypes that exist, sexism is the hardest to overcome.
Whenever I hear a sister say, 'I can do bad by myself', the implication being that black men are 'emotional drag coefficients' to their lives, I think back to what Wayne Dyer speaks on regarding the reaction of the source of all things to that thinking.
If you keep saying and talking bad about things, particularly if they are objects of desire, then don't be surprised when all life responds with is exactly what you are bitching about. By doing that you are designing your own failure in your pursuits. That is something too many black women spend time doing when it comes to relationships. And if they are not doing that, they are 'fishing in a polluted pond'. Doing so GLADLY. What can you tell them? The so called 'bad boys' end up disappointing them in the end. And they KNOW THIS, man!!
Don't know how many times I have heard a woman say that they like bad boys, and the degradation that comes from that association. It isn't that women don't understand what they want in their relationships, their objectives. Often, they value the wrong qualities in people, and mistake temporary things as indicators of long term substance in a person.
Love is a state in which a man sees things most decidedly as they are not. -- Friedrich Nietzsche
Though he said that with men as the subject, I happen to think it is more applicable to women. But the upshot of it for me is, that what women mistake as 'love', isn't love. Because I don't understand how it is that what women see as 'love' or as 'lovable' can be mistaken for anything like authentic affections to build a relationship on.
ACCEPTING THE WORD OF ONE WHO KNOWS
There is stuff that is too darn deep, to intricate for me to understand. For where I am, and the level of life I aspire to, I think I will have to work with what I have. Every 'why' doesn't need to be answered, as much as it has to be overcome.
Much about relationships are 'chicken or the egg' type of questions ... I know I have lined up on one side of things, and that is from where I make my approach. For instance, the paradoxes that create the false perceptions that I may be subject to, are beyond my control. As long as I know 'how' I am going to do what I am going to do, I have to figure that I am good!
Right now, my concerns are centered around going out to fill my housing paperwork out, which I should do in October. Once that happens, it will be getting my stuff from 'here' to 'there'. And that is that with that!
Monday, May 18, 2009
Blowing out the fuel injectors
KURT ... COULD YOU MAKE MY BASS COME OUT SO CLEAR ...
Lessee what we have here so far, because all of this is crystal clear in my mind. But I thought that it may not be so for readers, and thought that maybe I would take a sec to see if I can't neaten things up a bit around here.
I use so much tortured language that going back over this stuff, makes my eyes bleed. Usually I don't go over my entries, but writing via a keyboard on a computer, the editing is a little simpler. So I have been slowly incorporating a system where I 'correct copy'. If things don't seem to be improving, I figure someone will offer their pro bono services ... oh, it isn't like that, you say? Fine. Accept my spelling and grammar errors!
When I REALLY decided to start journaling, it was to 1) announce my hopes to the world. I had previously belonged to the 'keep it to yourself' school of dream achievement, and while that went well for a bit, it left me a little short. Though I am still close to the vest as far as dealing with people, with enough 'vagueness' to how I aim to go about things, I have taken for me, the extraordinary step of telling folks what I hope to do.
That anyone knows that I want to go to Nebraska, is so big for me, when you think that when I joined the Army, my Mom didn't know I was even that interested until the recruiter brought me home for her to sign me up!
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I like buzzwords ... but more for what they mean to ME, and not the 'pointy haired guy' from Dilbert or the Michael Scott, who unintentionally interprets them wrong. As long as I have been aware, the etymologies of words have been a big deal for me ... not as much as they were when I was a child, but still...
Following buzzwords as they 'Hulu prep' our brains for newspeak, when I see some words or phrases that catch my mind, I put them in a perspective where they mean something TO ME, and not 'those who sit above in shadow, figuring out how they can RFID the number of the beast and attach his mark to all mankind' wants them to mean. It is my secret way of fighting 'thought control'. Because then new buzzwords and terms,are often 'double think' in action ... what the phrase, action or agency are supposed to indicate, they don't. For me, they don't mean what they are not supposed to mean, they don't even mean what they do mean from what they are not supposed to mean!!
2) To make friends and 'meet' people. The title of my other journal is from a line I got from a Stephen King book that Beth was kind enough to send me, 'Desperation'. Though critics panned it, I don't always agree with critics (man ... what a disappointment 'The Kite Runner' was!). There are several short story's that he has written that I identify with as well, 'Dolan's Cadillac' comes to mind ... too many from the 'Night Shift' anthology ...as well as others.
But in 'Desperation', with its setting in the desert of Nevada, and the landscape of the southwest, evoked a strong reaction from me. There were many words that got to me, but the phrase '... and become friends the way people do on the back roads of life,' said so much about me, that I had to find a way to make it a part of my life.
There are things about me, that if they were going to have changed, I would have found the motivation to have changed them by now. Being 'a friend' is one of them that isn't going to go anywhere.
When I like someone, it is because of something that I LIKE ABOUT THEM. I happen to think we are meant to love, care and invest in one another. My heart is big, so that is what I think I am doing. Not asking to be 'friends' or 'loved' back. If I did that, I would wonder if it really is love that I am giving?
I don't use that word loosely. For instance, AKA and I chat about most everything BUT love. I know what she feels for me, is her version of love, and were I to go down that road, it would be leading her on.
3) If it seems like I am angry at women, sisters in particular, then I really don't think that you have been getting the vibe of my DIARY. I have done as much to perpetuate the problems that affect relationships negatively as anyone. I don't think my experiences on that side means that it is cool that I 'got some payback'. Nor does my 'life on the jr. high-high school D-list' meant it was okay for me to go willy nilly as a young man, even with the bad experience of my marriage.
I do think that the adversarial relationship between the sexes lies at the root of the problem. I feel as long as we put up with 'Men are From Mars ...' kind of thinking, you are going to run into issues. Keeping up the appearances that there are great differences between the sexes, serve only to perpetuate the crap self-help book market! Maybe that should be the book that I write!!
4) Racial Qualifiers. I use them because there are distinct differences from what black Americans deal with in the world and almost EVER OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE. There is one disenfranchised group that comes to mind, but because I have not done enough back ground, I won't mention it.
Describing what I think they are gets a little heady, and I don't think I am talking out of my arse when I discuss them. If I was a more talented writer, I would go on about them. Like the other road that Frost left for another day, perhaps I will get back to it. As it is, it leads to this ...
5) My Mother was the worst wingman, like ever!! She advised both Pecan Sandie and my ex wife against pursuing relationships with me!! But at the same time, she was the best wing man ever, because she did tell me why she thought the way she did about our prospects.
Before I would file a grievance about anything as far as my upbringing and family support went, I have always asked myself if I got the advice that I needed and if I followed it ... so there wasn't any use in looking down, cause there wasn't a discharge on the ground!! I may not have what I would have wanted, but jeez, in retrospect, I think that I had what I needed!!
6) Essentially, this has become a relationship blog. Ugh! I said it, I said 'blog'!! As it works as a journal, since it is being read and commented on, I ask that folks go on and say what they feel, because I am a big boy and I can take it. That there may be some criticism is a form of empathy as well. I mean, I don't want any of you to mess up with things, so if you need to be told 'that ain't right', I would tell you. And if you do get hurt, I won't say 'told ya'', but bring 'Steel Magnolias', some ice cream and tissue and be there for you. I may ask if you want me to 'bum rush' whoever, but essentially I am going to try to support you as best as I can.
Still, don't feel like you are intruding with whatever you may say, because if I was worried about that, it wouldn't be a public journal now, would it? Besides, I live by what I call ...
7) Imperial thinking. Once I make a decision, it doesn't have to be explained to anyone, no matter what. I am the one that has to take full responsibility for my choices, good or bad. I think of people who leave comments as 'cabinet members', people who have the unenviable task of finding answers, but it is the man in seat that has to make and live with the final decision.
With that being so, I can't imagine how I would say, 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't said ...' . I mean, I MADE THE CHOICE. There is no gun to my head, is there?
BECAUSE SPACE IS THE PLACE
Space must be filled. That is why I would like to understand the concept of 'dark matter'. Because what I grew up with is that space is nothing if not a vacuum. Which is why you scream, much like Ripley's on the Nostromo, is to no avail.
Relationships are a lot like that. But sisters think that they are the best thing in our community, the overworked, emotionally abused thread that is holding us together ... yup, and that is working out really well, isn't it.
The conversation in the barber shop, is it that brothers are crap or the sisters being crap ... that is a deep fissure between us. I left this sentiment hanging ... that I'd go first.
I'd go first and tell you that I 'there are secrets in my life and here are mine so let them be known* because my intent is to start building things up between us as soon as possible. Sister girl's act like they are victims at the same time they are supposedly the strength and fiber of a relationship.
Wait a minute, you have to choose one or the other. Cry victimization, then do that, and lets work from there. Be strong, and we will have to deal with you from your place of strength. Claim both, and you are schizophrenic.
One of the thoughts that my man Joe has, about his lost love finding another partner better than him, I said 'well, she did find YOU' ... it would remain to think that she has learned and developed enough skill to find someone a step or two higher on the link.
My first wife has sharpened her search parameters, and I won't fool with you, from the cat prior to me, then to me, and subsequent to me, she has 'traded up'. But she is an exception. And that is why my man was feeling what he felt about his ex girl. There are too many sisters who are similar to Tee Jay, who keeps making poor choices based on an outdated model of what is desirable about a partner. Even in acknowledging this, they choose going against their own knowledge.
My image of the cat that women like that are vulnerable to, is the 'Jerome' character on Martin Lawrence set in Detroit (had to plug!!) television show. Too old to wear the clothes he wear, too old to try to dance like he does, too old for just about anything. That is what comes to mind, when someone in my age group talks about wanting someone with 'an edge' to them.
The cats with the edge to them ... man, the numbers don't bear out the feasibility of having a good relationship with them. Yet and still, you hear some of the same thing from sisters ...
...especially hear in the Motor.
NEXT: Come on Opie, let's see if that pond over yonder has any fish!!
Lessee what we have here so far, because all of this is crystal clear in my mind. But I thought that it may not be so for readers, and thought that maybe I would take a sec to see if I can't neaten things up a bit around here.
I use so much tortured language that going back over this stuff, makes my eyes bleed. Usually I don't go over my entries, but writing via a keyboard on a computer, the editing is a little simpler. So I have been slowly incorporating a system where I 'correct copy'. If things don't seem to be improving, I figure someone will offer their pro bono services ... oh, it isn't like that, you say? Fine. Accept my spelling and grammar errors!
When I REALLY decided to start journaling, it was to 1) announce my hopes to the world. I had previously belonged to the 'keep it to yourself' school of dream achievement, and while that went well for a bit, it left me a little short. Though I am still close to the vest as far as dealing with people, with enough 'vagueness' to how I aim to go about things, I have taken for me, the extraordinary step of telling folks what I hope to do.
That anyone knows that I want to go to Nebraska, is so big for me, when you think that when I joined the Army, my Mom didn't know I was even that interested until the recruiter brought me home for her to sign me up!
I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I like buzzwords ... but more for what they mean to ME, and not the 'pointy haired guy' from Dilbert or the Michael Scott, who unintentionally interprets them wrong. As long as I have been aware, the etymologies of words have been a big deal for me ... not as much as they were when I was a child, but still...
Following buzzwords as they 'Hulu prep' our brains for newspeak, when I see some words or phrases that catch my mind, I put them in a perspective where they mean something TO ME, and not 'those who sit above in shadow, figuring out how they can RFID the number of the beast and attach his mark to all mankind' wants them to mean. It is my secret way of fighting 'thought control'. Because then new buzzwords and terms,are often 'double think' in action ... what the phrase, action or agency are supposed to indicate, they don't. For me, they don't mean what they are not supposed to mean, they don't even mean what they do mean from what they are not supposed to mean!!
2) To make friends and 'meet' people. The title of my other journal is from a line I got from a Stephen King book that Beth was kind enough to send me, 'Desperation'. Though critics panned it, I don't always agree with critics (man ... what a disappointment 'The Kite Runner' was!). There are several short story's that he has written that I identify with as well, 'Dolan's Cadillac' comes to mind ... too many from the 'Night Shift' anthology ...as well as others.
But in 'Desperation', with its setting in the desert of Nevada, and the landscape of the southwest, evoked a strong reaction from me. There were many words that got to me, but the phrase '... and become friends the way people do on the back roads of life,' said so much about me, that I had to find a way to make it a part of my life.
There are things about me, that if they were going to have changed, I would have found the motivation to have changed them by now. Being 'a friend' is one of them that isn't going to go anywhere.
When I like someone, it is because of something that I LIKE ABOUT THEM. I happen to think we are meant to love, care and invest in one another. My heart is big, so that is what I think I am doing. Not asking to be 'friends' or 'loved' back. If I did that, I would wonder if it really is love that I am giving?
I don't use that word loosely. For instance, AKA and I chat about most everything BUT love. I know what she feels for me, is her version of love, and were I to go down that road, it would be leading her on.
3) If it seems like I am angry at women, sisters in particular, then I really don't think that you have been getting the vibe of my DIARY. I have done as much to perpetuate the problems that affect relationships negatively as anyone. I don't think my experiences on that side means that it is cool that I 'got some payback'. Nor does my 'life on the jr. high-high school D-list' meant it was okay for me to go willy nilly as a young man, even with the bad experience of my marriage.
I do think that the adversarial relationship between the sexes lies at the root of the problem. I feel as long as we put up with 'Men are From Mars ...' kind of thinking, you are going to run into issues. Keeping up the appearances that there are great differences between the sexes, serve only to perpetuate the crap self-help book market! Maybe that should be the book that I write!!
4) Racial Qualifiers. I use them because there are distinct differences from what black Americans deal with in the world and almost EVER OTHER GROUP OF PEOPLE. There is one disenfranchised group that comes to mind, but because I have not done enough back ground, I won't mention it.
Describing what I think they are gets a little heady, and I don't think I am talking out of my arse when I discuss them. If I was a more talented writer, I would go on about them. Like the other road that Frost left for another day, perhaps I will get back to it. As it is, it leads to this ...
5) My Mother was the worst wingman, like ever!! She advised both Pecan Sandie and my ex wife against pursuing relationships with me!! But at the same time, she was the best wing man ever, because she did tell me why she thought the way she did about our prospects.
Before I would file a grievance about anything as far as my upbringing and family support went, I have always asked myself if I got the advice that I needed and if I followed it ... so there wasn't any use in looking down, cause there wasn't a discharge on the ground!! I may not have what I would have wanted, but jeez, in retrospect, I think that I had what I needed!!
6) Essentially, this has become a relationship blog. Ugh! I said it, I said 'blog'!! As it works as a journal, since it is being read and commented on, I ask that folks go on and say what they feel, because I am a big boy and I can take it. That there may be some criticism is a form of empathy as well. I mean, I don't want any of you to mess up with things, so if you need to be told 'that ain't right', I would tell you. And if you do get hurt, I won't say 'told ya'', but bring 'Steel Magnolias', some ice cream and tissue and be there for you. I may ask if you want me to 'bum rush' whoever, but essentially I am going to try to support you as best as I can.
Still, don't feel like you are intruding with whatever you may say, because if I was worried about that, it wouldn't be a public journal now, would it? Besides, I live by what I call ...
7) Imperial thinking. Once I make a decision, it doesn't have to be explained to anyone, no matter what. I am the one that has to take full responsibility for my choices, good or bad. I think of people who leave comments as 'cabinet members', people who have the unenviable task of finding answers, but it is the man in seat that has to make and live with the final decision.
With that being so, I can't imagine how I would say, 'I wouldn't have done that if you hadn't said ...' . I mean, I MADE THE CHOICE. There is no gun to my head, is there?
BECAUSE SPACE IS THE PLACE
Space must be filled. That is why I would like to understand the concept of 'dark matter'. Because what I grew up with is that space is nothing if not a vacuum. Which is why you scream, much like Ripley's on the Nostromo, is to no avail.
Relationships are a lot like that. But sisters think that they are the best thing in our community, the overworked, emotionally abused thread that is holding us together ... yup, and that is working out really well, isn't it.
The conversation in the barber shop, is it that brothers are crap or the sisters being crap ... that is a deep fissure between us. I left this sentiment hanging ... that I'd go first.
I'd go first and tell you that I 'there are secrets in my life and here are mine so let them be known* because my intent is to start building things up between us as soon as possible. Sister girl's act like they are victims at the same time they are supposedly the strength and fiber of a relationship.
Wait a minute, you have to choose one or the other. Cry victimization, then do that, and lets work from there. Be strong, and we will have to deal with you from your place of strength. Claim both, and you are schizophrenic.
One of the thoughts that my man Joe has, about his lost love finding another partner better than him, I said 'well, she did find YOU' ... it would remain to think that she has learned and developed enough skill to find someone a step or two higher on the link.
My first wife has sharpened her search parameters, and I won't fool with you, from the cat prior to me, then to me, and subsequent to me, she has 'traded up'. But she is an exception. And that is why my man was feeling what he felt about his ex girl. There are too many sisters who are similar to Tee Jay, who keeps making poor choices based on an outdated model of what is desirable about a partner. Even in acknowledging this, they choose going against their own knowledge.
My image of the cat that women like that are vulnerable to, is the 'Jerome' character on Martin Lawrence set in Detroit (had to plug!!) television show. Too old to wear the clothes he wear, too old to try to dance like he does, too old for just about anything. That is what comes to mind, when someone in my age group talks about wanting someone with 'an edge' to them.
The cats with the edge to them ... man, the numbers don't bear out the feasibility of having a good relationship with them. Yet and still, you hear some of the same thing from sisters ...
...especially hear in the Motor.
NEXT: Come on Opie, let's see if that pond over yonder has any fish!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
DOES IT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE MOUTHWASH??
FINDING A CONTEXT FOR THINGS
It has always been important to me. When I can do that, then I can figure out what I may need to do, to achieve the possible result that I desire. Reading journals helps me to do that, the same way that reading books helps a writer to improve his work.
I also try to listen to the comments. In fact, I have gathered a few gems, and I plan on making an entry about some of the things folks have said to me here. When Ken left the comment about 'scope control', I wondered why I wasn't familiar with it. I like it, and that is what was going on the other day. I kept asking myself what was the most important factor, and which was the best way to go about accomplishing my task?
As I threw out the stuff that was extraneous, I realized that I was doing 'scope control', which asks the same thing that the Cover Two defense asks of the defensive tackle. Control the gaps. That is a big thing, in being able to communicate with people, finding the right context to send a message.
One of the reasons that not hitting on that lady at the credit union was the right thing to do, is I don't want to stay in town any more than I have to. This is not to say that I expect to find anything better, only that this isn't the place for me. Factor in my apathy for the whole 'ex List' thing (that show did die a quick and painless death, didn't it? ), and the lack of control over things here, I may as well find a place where I can ride my bike and go to the library in peace and quiet.
I'd like to get a little place and decorate it with things found in thrift stores and resale shops. I want to ride around neighborhood garage sales and watch youth league football games. Maybe I could do that here, but the landing strip for common conversation here is thin, at least it is for me.
'Scope Control' is why I didn't, haven't, and likely won't let Jenny's re-appearance mean that I need to run off and hassle with Tee Jay. Right now, these two months are the line of demarcation that marks MY point of no return. July 1st, I will start thinking of going 'somewhere'. Getting specific and more detailed will come soon enough. Being able to say that for now is enough.
RELATIONSHIPS
For me, the answer was that I'd go first.
Getting a hair cut, I came in on a conversation that would tail off into other subjects, but it was about relationships. Why black women can't be more supportive of their men ... why aren't black men more like MEN, and stand up and becoming responsible citizens.
You had different reasons as to what was at the root of the problem and how to progress from where things are now. Why CAN'T black women support black men? I think that it is a fair argument, because three times I could make the case for a sister bailing on a brother and letting him down.
But I could also make the case for a brother getting in the wind three times, and not facing up to the situation he played a major part in creating. Which side of the argument I am on?
THE CHOICE IS YOURS
You could say that everything I know about being a black man, I've gleaned from Black Sheep!!
I made the decision to pursue a different course from Lexxie and Pecan Sandie, I knew expressly what that meant. I know what I was doing, and I made my choice. Could I have made a better choice? *pause*
So you can make whatever case you want from that.
When me & my ex were man & wife, people would tell her that her husband was going to be rich and famous. All she would have had to do is smile for the cameras, and look good in Las Vegas when they did the ringside camera pan for her.
But she didn't share in that vision. We may have gotten married too soon, but I have always thought that girls had the stereotype in mind to be a doting wife ... but the sassy but strong, stable and loving Florida Louise Jefferson Evans caricature was not in her mind as being MY WIFE (she may be that for someone else).
Prime, early and good years of MINE was given to trying to make 'us' work. She was for me, a high pressure dream crusher.
Now, you make what you can from that. But when I decided to catch myself, I knew for sure what I was pushing away from as I swam to the surface. What did I expect to find? I did know what I expect to DO.
SEE THE THREE ... BE THE THREE
I decided to be the person that I wanted to find. Using Glen Rice's basketball career (or I could have used Pam's volleyball career ... that was a funny scene in 'The Office' season finale!!), as a model, I thought I had to find another way to reach my goal in a relationship.
Since I wanted to be with a special person, I like to think that I can be a special person for someone. The 'usual supects' in crap relationships shouldn't happen with me, and if they do, it won't be on my end.
It is disappointing to think that Tee Jay is back with the same crap choosing for men. She is fishing from the same spot where I found her at the first time. To me, that says a lot about her development as a person, and continues to build my reluctance to want to go after her.
Sister girls, would rather stay the way they are, because it is the black man that is the weakest link. Okay, you got me there. Maybe we are. Yet, if sisters' understood why it is that in space, no one can hear you scream, then there would not be so many frayed relationships still.
NEXT ISSUE: And now you know why I don't have a ghetto pass!
It has always been important to me. When I can do that, then I can figure out what I may need to do, to achieve the possible result that I desire. Reading journals helps me to do that, the same way that reading books helps a writer to improve his work.
I also try to listen to the comments. In fact, I have gathered a few gems, and I plan on making an entry about some of the things folks have said to me here. When Ken left the comment about 'scope control', I wondered why I wasn't familiar with it. I like it, and that is what was going on the other day. I kept asking myself what was the most important factor, and which was the best way to go about accomplishing my task?
As I threw out the stuff that was extraneous, I realized that I was doing 'scope control', which asks the same thing that the Cover Two defense asks of the defensive tackle. Control the gaps. That is a big thing, in being able to communicate with people, finding the right context to send a message.
One of the reasons that not hitting on that lady at the credit union was the right thing to do, is I don't want to stay in town any more than I have to. This is not to say that I expect to find anything better, only that this isn't the place for me. Factor in my apathy for the whole 'ex List' thing (that show did die a quick and painless death, didn't it? ), and the lack of control over things here, I may as well find a place where I can ride my bike and go to the library in peace and quiet.
I'd like to get a little place and decorate it with things found in thrift stores and resale shops. I want to ride around neighborhood garage sales and watch youth league football games. Maybe I could do that here, but the landing strip for common conversation here is thin, at least it is for me.
'Scope Control' is why I didn't, haven't, and likely won't let Jenny's re-appearance mean that I need to run off and hassle with Tee Jay. Right now, these two months are the line of demarcation that marks MY point of no return. July 1st, I will start thinking of going 'somewhere'. Getting specific and more detailed will come soon enough. Being able to say that for now is enough.
RELATIONSHIPS
For me, the answer was that I'd go first.
Getting a hair cut, I came in on a conversation that would tail off into other subjects, but it was about relationships. Why black women can't be more supportive of their men ... why aren't black men more like MEN, and stand up and becoming responsible citizens.
You had different reasons as to what was at the root of the problem and how to progress from where things are now. Why CAN'T black women support black men? I think that it is a fair argument, because three times I could make the case for a sister bailing on a brother and letting him down.
But I could also make the case for a brother getting in the wind three times, and not facing up to the situation he played a major part in creating. Which side of the argument I am on?
THE CHOICE IS YOURS
You could say that everything I know about being a black man, I've gleaned from Black Sheep!!
I made the decision to pursue a different course from Lexxie and Pecan Sandie, I knew expressly what that meant. I know what I was doing, and I made my choice. Could I have made a better choice? *pause*
So you can make whatever case you want from that.
When me & my ex were man & wife, people would tell her that her husband was going to be rich and famous. All she would have had to do is smile for the cameras, and look good in Las Vegas when they did the ringside camera pan for her.
But she didn't share in that vision. We may have gotten married too soon, but I have always thought that girls had the stereotype in mind to be a doting wife ... but the sassy but strong, stable and loving Florida Louise Jefferson Evans caricature was not in her mind as being MY WIFE (she may be that for someone else).
Prime, early and good years of MINE was given to trying to make 'us' work. She was for me, a high pressure dream crusher.
Now, you make what you can from that. But when I decided to catch myself, I knew for sure what I was pushing away from as I swam to the surface. What did I expect to find? I did know what I expect to DO.
SEE THE THREE ... BE THE THREE
I decided to be the person that I wanted to find. Using Glen Rice's basketball career (or I could have used Pam's volleyball career ... that was a funny scene in 'The Office' season finale!!), as a model, I thought I had to find another way to reach my goal in a relationship.
Since I wanted to be with a special person, I like to think that I can be a special person for someone. The 'usual supects' in crap relationships shouldn't happen with me, and if they do, it won't be on my end.
It is disappointing to think that Tee Jay is back with the same crap choosing for men. She is fishing from the same spot where I found her at the first time. To me, that says a lot about her development as a person, and continues to build my reluctance to want to go after her.
Sister girls, would rather stay the way they are, because it is the black man that is the weakest link. Okay, you got me there. Maybe we are. Yet, if sisters' understood why it is that in space, no one can hear you scream, then there would not be so many frayed relationships still.
NEXT ISSUE: And now you know why I don't have a ghetto pass!
OKAY, OKAY, I ADMIT IT, I AM
AN INDIE FILM SNOB
But if I had seen the movie 'The Kite Runner' at the Main in Royal Oak when it was first released, I would have been on the local news. The lead story would be 'Violence erupts at a screening of 'The Kite Runner'.
It was a good film. BUT it wasn't anything AT ALL what you will read about if you read ANYTHING about it!!
The treachery and the deception. That it 'moved me', as AKA smiled may have been the 'moving' that it was supposed to do!!
Don't need a spoiler alert ... because it was driven by a crap character story. EASILY the most unsympathetic figure on screen in a decade for me. I am wondering WTF the reviewers saw that was moving?? It is all I can do to keep from going off at the deep end (mainly, because I can't swim!!) about this.
Told her that if I HAD invested the time to go see this movie when it was getting its rave reviews, that I would have been fighting, if someone who was 'moved emotionally' came out kvetching at how sad the story was. Yeah, it was sad, sad that anyone could have any empathy for the main character. HE SUCKED, HE SUCKED HARD!!
Man, I could not run this disappointment off. Would LOVE to have talked with someone when the movie was getting all the indie Oscar buzz. This movie was the biggest bait and switch con foisted on the movie going public.
I am MAD!! Mad that all the swell bleeding hearts were able to be so emotionally invested in this. Were someone to ask ME about the movie, I COULD NOT recommend it. That it was well done, made the story contrast between its reviews and what I saw even greater! That movie ... man, I would have gotten in someone face over this movie... you better NOT have shed any friggin' tears over this film!
But if I had seen the movie 'The Kite Runner' at the Main in Royal Oak when it was first released, I would have been on the local news. The lead story would be 'Violence erupts at a screening of 'The Kite Runner'.
It was a good film. BUT it wasn't anything AT ALL what you will read about if you read ANYTHING about it!!
The treachery and the deception. That it 'moved me', as AKA smiled may have been the 'moving' that it was supposed to do!!
Don't need a spoiler alert ... because it was driven by a crap character story. EASILY the most unsympathetic figure on screen in a decade for me. I am wondering WTF the reviewers saw that was moving?? It is all I can do to keep from going off at the deep end (mainly, because I can't swim!!) about this.
Told her that if I HAD invested the time to go see this movie when it was getting its rave reviews, that I would have been fighting, if someone who was 'moved emotionally' came out kvetching at how sad the story was. Yeah, it was sad, sad that anyone could have any empathy for the main character. HE SUCKED, HE SUCKED HARD!!
Man, I could not run this disappointment off. Would LOVE to have talked with someone when the movie was getting all the indie Oscar buzz. This movie was the biggest bait and switch con foisted on the movie going public.
I am MAD!! Mad that all the swell bleeding hearts were able to be so emotionally invested in this. Were someone to ask ME about the movie, I COULD NOT recommend it. That it was well done, made the story contrast between its reviews and what I saw even greater! That movie ... man, I would have gotten in someone face over this movie... you better NOT have shed any friggin' tears over this film!
Friday, May 15, 2009
SURVIVE, EVADE, RESIST, EXTRACT
BIRD OF PREY
Do y'all get tired of my music entries? I hope they give y'all an insight to how my mind is 'sounding' as I think certain thoughts.
I went to the credit union today to get some weekend spending cash out and there she came, skin about the same complexion of Tee Jay, built on the lines of Nebraska, as tall as My Delta Girl, walking in line behind me. And on the visual, I started 'sparking', to see if I would get 'picked up' on her radar ... and I did.
Confirmed that she was 'approachable' from the site inspection intel, and I did want to talk, could have talked to her, and on nice enough spring day ...
When I think about my man Joe Blessing over at 'The Breakup Diaries', I wonder where did he come from? I mean, what was he like in high school, did he have girlfriends or just a group of guys he did the pal around thing with. Because though I dealt with what I dealt with growing up, I didn't remain limited by it.
Didn't have enough of anything, save for the ONE girlfriend that I had, and my unrequited thingy I had for Jenny. Maybe there was a fellow nerdette from band or some other equally marginalized lass who was interested. Never came up and let me know.
Surviving my first 18 mos. in the service made sure I wouldn't be a shrinking violet ever again. The previous angsty years of adolescence? I did my best to leave them behind. And in doing so, I went from a middling component on the relationship food chain to a prime apex level on it.
There is a part of me, that see women that way. So sue me. But I know better than that. Even as I saw myself as successful in my 'mission' if I went on it, I had to wonder would I be up to what it would take if I was successful. What would happen if she gave me her number, and when I called we had a good conversation. What would happen if I talked her in to going to see Willie Nelson at the Hoedown this Sunday, and she enjoy the event.
What would happen if she liked me back?
I hardly ever think of meeting up with a girl and failing. I accept that it can happen, and it speaks for itself. It is the SUCCESS of meeting and getting past the few early obstacles that I was wondering about. If she gave me a real shot, and we hit it off, would I be able to leave the opportunity? Would I be confused as to whether or not I still should leave town, or would want to stay and make a life with her.
What would happen if we began to fall in love with one each other?
I kept still my tongue. Getting rejected is nothing. That happens. It is what happens when you are initially SUCCESSFUL where the problems begin. You have to be able to think and see beyond the present moment.
With my heart beating hard in my chest, I said nothing to this most beautiful woman. I will never see her again, and her image will fade from my memory. Next week, I won't even recall meeting her in the credit union, and a month from now, I won't remember what she looks like. Hey, that is the way my cookie crumbles.
MISSION CREEP
Mission creep is the expansion of a project or mission beyond its original goals, often after initial successes.[1] The term often implies a certain disapproval of newly adopted goals by the user of the term. Mission creep is usually considered undesirable due to the dangerous path of each success breeding more ambitious attempts, only stopping when a final, often catastrophic, failure occurs.
The above was a possible example of it in a new romance. Should I had been successful at the introductory phase of the romance, what then? It would have make the definition come to life, adding to my full and complicated (for me) life.
It could also apply to Tee Jay. I would like to reach out and talk to her, hang with her, even if it is in a platonic relationship. And I say to that, 'looks good, but say that out loud and see how it sounds?' The game that I have been playing with myself, to get me here, has worked this far. I will stick with it, thank you very much.
At then end of the wikipedia definition, the highlighted portion is why I didn't take a shot at the lady today. I don't take shots without the intention of making them, so I think I could have at least got her to give me her number. What then? She called to mind the three most attractive women I know. That means a big component of the motivation factor was there. I was dressed neatly for a change, not the 'hobo on a bike' chic that I travel in most days. I didn't even pick up any bottles to return for deposit!! As far as anyone knew, I looked normal!!
WHY I DON'T EVEN CALL TEE JAY
... and quiet as kept, I don't email or IM Nebraska all that much either. But that is forshadow there. Getting back in the here and now ...
I don't believe in the self esteem thing. Have I mentioned that before? If I taught, and Johnny couldn't do the work, then Johnny would get an 'F'. If Johnny's Mom wants him to get a better grade, it is HER JOB to encourage him to earn it. I will give him time with the other students who are willing to come after classes is over for an extended class, to work that crap out.
If Johnny is going home, hanging on the eye, losing his brain cells to radio and television music videos, along with the crap reality shows, don't wonder why he get an 'F' and can't read. Look at how much went into getting Helen Keller on line, and THAT took the effort of a mircale worker.
My confidence in me is there because I HAVE DONE enough things to give me confidence. In other words, like Smith-Barney, I have earned mine. Period, end of story. As to finding someone, the only way that I won't, is if I don't knock on any doors. So I don't know if Miss Credit Union was her, only because I didn't push up on her. Had I hit on her, then SHE prolly would have been the 'New' in the Ms. New What's Happenin'.
AVOIDING MISSION CREEP
Sometimes, there are some things that are unavoidable. You deal with them as best you can. Football teams that run the 'Cover Two' defense, have to play 'assignment football', which means just that. Even if an offensive player runs near your area, make sure you have covered YOUR AREA. Trust in your buddy to make the play.
The Detroit Red Wings have 'conceptual continuity' down so pat, that they need to along with the Pittsburgh Steelers, apply for a trademark. I know that Donna at D's Designs may think they just out bid people, but there are reasons players WANT to play here.
A big part of it is the committment to winning that runs up and down the organization. So when you have a good concept, the way you push it into excellence is by sticking to it, and not getting off message at the first sign of difficulty. That is why even when it may seem to be a hint of deviation from my tack, I always reiterate how I think that moving to Nebraska is still the best idea for me. Period.
The wisdom to know the differcence. Don't tell me that you have heard it, tell me that you APPLY it. That is another big thing as I make my 'new normal'. Don't have to reinvent the wheel or anything. If all I did was do what I know, not develop or grow anymore, I think that should be enough to achieve a great deal. That I am ignorant enough to think that I can actually try and DO SOMETHING as banged around as I am, almost insures my success, dontcha know?
Women can vote.
Homosexuals can marry.
A Black man can be president.
Mark can write a best selling, made into a Oscar film, book!
Or teach. Or be a pillar in his neighborhood. Be a great husband, friend or what ever it is I can imagine. Ain't it cool, thinking like this?
So yeah, I wonder about why Joe won't deal with that his girl is moving on. Don't want someone who doesn't want you. That is SOOO female, that it is cliche. I don't care how bad YOU want her. Or him. Or whoever it is that is in and near your life that you adore, and they completely freakin' ignore you.
They can't take a joke? f*ck 'em, I say.(no, for real. THAT'S what I would tell 'em!)
Watch more YouTube videos on AOL Video
Do y'all get tired of my music entries? I hope they give y'all an insight to how my mind is 'sounding' as I think certain thoughts.
I went to the credit union today to get some weekend spending cash out and there she came, skin about the same complexion of Tee Jay, built on the lines of Nebraska, as tall as My Delta Girl, walking in line behind me. And on the visual, I started 'sparking', to see if I would get 'picked up' on her radar ... and I did.
Confirmed that she was 'approachable' from the site inspection intel, and I did want to talk, could have talked to her, and on nice enough spring day ...
When I think about my man Joe Blessing over at 'The Breakup Diaries', I wonder where did he come from? I mean, what was he like in high school, did he have girlfriends or just a group of guys he did the pal around thing with. Because though I dealt with what I dealt with growing up, I didn't remain limited by it.
Didn't have enough of anything, save for the ONE girlfriend that I had, and my unrequited thingy I had for Jenny. Maybe there was a fellow nerdette from band or some other equally marginalized lass who was interested. Never came up and let me know.
Surviving my first 18 mos. in the service made sure I wouldn't be a shrinking violet ever again. The previous angsty years of adolescence? I did my best to leave them behind. And in doing so, I went from a middling component on the relationship food chain to a prime apex level on it.
There is a part of me, that see women that way. So sue me. But I know better than that. Even as I saw myself as successful in my 'mission' if I went on it, I had to wonder would I be up to what it would take if I was successful. What would happen if she gave me her number, and when I called we had a good conversation. What would happen if I talked her in to going to see Willie Nelson at the Hoedown this Sunday, and she enjoy the event.
What would happen if she liked me back?
I hardly ever think of meeting up with a girl and failing. I accept that it can happen, and it speaks for itself. It is the SUCCESS of meeting and getting past the few early obstacles that I was wondering about. If she gave me a real shot, and we hit it off, would I be able to leave the opportunity? Would I be confused as to whether or not I still should leave town, or would want to stay and make a life with her.
What would happen if we began to fall in love with one each other?
I kept still my tongue. Getting rejected is nothing. That happens. It is what happens when you are initially SUCCESSFUL where the problems begin. You have to be able to think and see beyond the present moment.
With my heart beating hard in my chest, I said nothing to this most beautiful woman. I will never see her again, and her image will fade from my memory. Next week, I won't even recall meeting her in the credit union, and a month from now, I won't remember what she looks like. Hey, that is the way my cookie crumbles.
MISSION CREEP
Mission creep is the expansion of a project or mission beyond its original goals, often after initial successes.[1] The term often implies a certain disapproval of newly adopted goals by the user of the term. Mission creep is usually considered undesirable due to the dangerous path of each success breeding more ambitious attempts, only stopping when a final, often catastrophic, failure occurs.
The above was a possible example of it in a new romance. Should I had been successful at the introductory phase of the romance, what then? It would have make the definition come to life, adding to my full and complicated (for me) life.
It could also apply to Tee Jay. I would like to reach out and talk to her, hang with her, even if it is in a platonic relationship. And I say to that, 'looks good, but say that out loud and see how it sounds?' The game that I have been playing with myself, to get me here, has worked this far. I will stick with it, thank you very much.
At then end of the wikipedia definition, the highlighted portion is why I didn't take a shot at the lady today. I don't take shots without the intention of making them, so I think I could have at least got her to give me her number. What then? She called to mind the three most attractive women I know. That means a big component of the motivation factor was there. I was dressed neatly for a change, not the 'hobo on a bike' chic that I travel in most days. I didn't even pick up any bottles to return for deposit!! As far as anyone knew, I looked normal!!
WHY I DON'T EVEN CALL TEE JAY
... and quiet as kept, I don't email or IM Nebraska all that much either. But that is forshadow there. Getting back in the here and now ...
I don't believe in the self esteem thing. Have I mentioned that before? If I taught, and Johnny couldn't do the work, then Johnny would get an 'F'. If Johnny's Mom wants him to get a better grade, it is HER JOB to encourage him to earn it. I will give him time with the other students who are willing to come after classes is over for an extended class, to work that crap out.
If Johnny is going home, hanging on the eye, losing his brain cells to radio and television music videos, along with the crap reality shows, don't wonder why he get an 'F' and can't read. Look at how much went into getting Helen Keller on line, and THAT took the effort of a mircale worker.
My confidence in me is there because I HAVE DONE enough things to give me confidence. In other words, like Smith-Barney, I have earned mine. Period, end of story. As to finding someone, the only way that I won't, is if I don't knock on any doors. So I don't know if Miss Credit Union was her, only because I didn't push up on her. Had I hit on her, then SHE prolly would have been the 'New' in the Ms. New What's Happenin'.
AVOIDING MISSION CREEP
Sometimes, there are some things that are unavoidable. You deal with them as best you can. Football teams that run the 'Cover Two' defense, have to play 'assignment football', which means just that. Even if an offensive player runs near your area, make sure you have covered YOUR AREA. Trust in your buddy to make the play.
The Detroit Red Wings have 'conceptual continuity' down so pat, that they need to along with the Pittsburgh Steelers, apply for a trademark. I know that Donna at D's Designs may think they just out bid people, but there are reasons players WANT to play here.
A big part of it is the committment to winning that runs up and down the organization. So when you have a good concept, the way you push it into excellence is by sticking to it, and not getting off message at the first sign of difficulty. That is why even when it may seem to be a hint of deviation from my tack, I always reiterate how I think that moving to Nebraska is still the best idea for me. Period.
The wisdom to know the differcence. Don't tell me that you have heard it, tell me that you APPLY it. That is another big thing as I make my 'new normal'. Don't have to reinvent the wheel or anything. If all I did was do what I know, not develop or grow anymore, I think that should be enough to achieve a great deal. That I am ignorant enough to think that I can actually try and DO SOMETHING as banged around as I am, almost insures my success, dontcha know?
Women can vote.
Homosexuals can marry.
A Black man can be president.
Mark can write a best selling, made into a Oscar film, book!
Or teach. Or be a pillar in his neighborhood. Be a great husband, friend or what ever it is I can imagine. Ain't it cool, thinking like this?
So yeah, I wonder about why Joe won't deal with that his girl is moving on. Don't want someone who doesn't want you. That is SOOO female, that it is cliche. I don't care how bad YOU want her. Or him. Or whoever it is that is in and near your life that you adore, and they completely freakin' ignore you.
They can't take a joke? f*ck 'em, I say.(no, for real. THAT'S what I would tell 'em!)
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