DREAM POLICE
I had been in that house before, sat at that table and had a similar conversation with a girls parental figure. It wasn't her Mom, because she had passed, but her older sister who was in her mid-thirties. Can't remember the details, but it was a big, neat house over in the university district near Detroit Mercy.
They were a little stuck up ... everyone in their family made their money keeping their hands clean and because someone else somewhere thought they were smart. The home I lived in over in the 48219 was purchased with Chrysler Mound Plant money.
And as I recall, the money used was still green, as green as theirs, right?
Anywho, my Mom would meet this girls family at a high school production of 'Sweeney Todd' ... and that was the movie for the day on Monday. This girl, was in the production, as the female lead.
So I had a dream about my first love. The lesson? Eating sausage and spanish rice late at night, not so good of an idea!!
MAY - JUNE
I would take leave of Mookie an' 'em a year ago, the first week of May. I decided to make it 'June', so that I would be doing something with the movement of the calendar, rather than trying to just 'do something' out of time.
Another aspect of my 'dream' that I will look a little further into is the 'May - December' part to it. I don't have an problem with potentially dating someone in my age group, but believe me when I tell you this, they are as silly as they ever was in their 20's. In some ways, it is more tragic. As I said the options for some are to continue on the path of being single and having failed relationships, or steep in the bitterness of not measuring up to the level they have affixed their own contentment.
So it has been a year, and I feel fine. Things could have been a little better, but overall, things have gone swimmingly well. There have been bumps, not unlike the 'bump' I feel that I hit yesterday. But nothing to really be of any concern.
Over the weekend, I read a story about this cat who was in a car accident. He suffered some trauma to his brain, and he talked about how he has to fight to keep his balance, his co-ordination. Each step is one that he has to be 'in tune' with. It was the first time I can remember being able to identify that way with someone.
That this kid ran the Boston Marathon, was inspiring for me. As I am getting back into another 'session' of training, I am going to take it as an eight week 'training camp', as if I was going to fight a 10 round fight. AKA mentioned that she would like to try getting in condition (getting into shape doesn't sound right ... we all have a shape!) and losing a few pounds.
My thing is, will she actually do it?
I wouldn't mind helping someone with establishing a conditioning program, in getting fit, but it has to be a priority. The stuff that people let interfere with training, really shouldn't. Whether it is a TV show or helping children with homework, there is always time to do something to cut weight and get stronger.
Watching what you eat doesn't take time. Revamping your diet, eating when on a schedule doesn't take time. What it does take is, effort. Same for the toning aspect of it. I mean, keeping up with a television show isn't as important as doing something for yourself. The television show isn't real. You are.
She has mentioned this before, in our first relationship incarnation as well as our current one. It makes me uncomfortable, because it ties in directly to stuff I don't care for about her, stuff I don't like about other 'satellites' in her life. And I don't want to go into all that, because I think that is stuff for her to figure out.
Anyway, the reason that getting into condition matters to me, is because I am otherwise on schedule with that, and with getting my life in order.
The line that I closed my last entry with, was meant to lead into what I am looking forward to ... I am going to go thru my thoughts on that, and my issue with AKA, and how it relates to how she feels about me.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
ANOTHER LONG POST
WHY I APOLOGIZE
See, part of my struggle is going to be keeping myself. There are parts of my brain that are affected, and I have always been sensitive to stories about football players who have suffered from repeated trauma. There have been enough stories about former hall of famer's who suffer from being 'punch drunk', to catch my attention. Did you know that it affects career football players more than it does career boxers? Football has better p.r., and that is that.
Anywho, one of the things that I have noticed, is that there is a lot of personality disorder that comes along with it. That is my biggest worry. I don't mind much about remembering stuff, but when it comes to being ME at the core, it does matter to me. A lot.
Trust me, I notice when my critical thinking is a little off. I have my 'Rules To Live By', which I have carried with me for over ten years now. When I do something out of character, I feel it deep, and it is like someone walking over my grave.
I'd rather be dead, than not to be who I am.
This isn't about depression, there isn't too much of that going on here. I have had a nice ride, and wouldn't trade it in for anything. I have enjoyed most thoroughly my journey. If it ended tonight (thru natural means, of course), it must mean I can't take another bite, I am stuffed!
Been close to living as many as my dreams as a person could hope. Accept why I didn't make them come true, and have moved on. But the thing that kept me, what has me hopeful and what I have put all my stock in, is that I am an optimist.
YOU GET WHAT YOU EXPECT
I can't ever recall spending too long a time on 'why me' kind of stuff. Whenever I would watch angsty stuff, I would wonder why they didn't take what they had and work with it. If someone were to compare me to 'Forest Gump' instead of all the mess the Facebook quizzes match me to, I would take it.
Because like Forrest, my Mother doted on me, as long as she could. I had to overcome socialization obstacles that I had no role in creating. Didn't ask to be black, or what other AA's call 'light skinned'. Didn't care that I grew up mostly raised by a single Mom, and that because women were my role models, that I am effeminate to some tastes. Did not matter that being black and smart was seen as trying to deny your heritage, and that you wanted to be 'white'.
None of that crap mattered to me, because it is the overcoming of what is in front of you that your character is displayed. It pains me greatly that I have made some of the choices that I have made, and not only did I recognize that they were poorly made at the time, that I would compound the errors. I have found solace in 'living to fight another day', and that hope springs eternal. Forgiveness is powerful, and if you can seek it of yourself, you can find it in life.
But there are some things that comes with giving forgiven and giving forgiveness. Don't know what it means if you don't have kindness in your heart and good will towards people.
Objectively, my ex wife and I are a poor match. I have moved away from what ever it was that dogged me regarding her, and do you know what I worried about when we spoke earlier this year? I worried that she would have actually be a different person, and she would ask if we could see one anther, now that we were both single.
That would have been problematic, because subjectively, I still love her.
I don't 'qualify' love. It is defined by relationship (I love Hutch as a friend ... I love several readers as a friends). No one has to 'want it' from me, because I don't think any of the love in my heart is really 'mine'. I think it is supposed to be given, because that is what I expect back from life, love.
IT'S THE MAN WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE
Reading journals, I came across one that led me to a very illogical conclusion, not that I am a logical thinker or anything. It was illogical because the Mark that I grew up with, would have NEVER came to that point. And for that, I felt ashamed of myself, because I knew it. Could have left it alone, kept on journaling about crap, and pretended it never happened. But I would have had to go to sleep with that person, the one who said that 'stuff'. I wouldn't have wanted to do that. So I am rambling on, to no one in particular but to everyone.
When I 'armored up', developing into the stout fellow I am now, I always thought it was so that I could be and do as I pleased. People stopped picking at me, women discovered me, and I found that I commanded a certain respect because of my profile. Or DESPITE IT.
The whole 'black enough' issue is one that isn't 'in' me. Sometimes, it leads to a victimization, where in order to seem black, you have to take instant offense to things on the matter of race. There is a lot of things you can attribute to the prejudice in the world, but it isn't a blanket to be used at the drop of the hat.
Social injustice happens because of sex, religion, political beliefs, economics, and education. There are too many other factors involved in why thing are the way they are to continue listing. But it has been my opinion since I was a young man, that when you use any of the listed reasons, that you should think again, before you build a cause around it.
Because usually when you do, you tend to be close minded, mean and thoughtless. And hey, I am a nice cat! I like being that way, being 'Nigel', and when stuff makes me feel like I am coming away from that, it bothers me.
And it tends to bother me a little more, now. I still don't get mad easily at personal affronts, but for some reason, there is a lash out in me, that just got there 'a second ago', you see. It bugs me. It bugs me that it coincides with something else that is going on in with my life. But that stuff is for another day.
Yeah, I try to be the first to apologize, because it interferes with the mission, creating hard feelings. I don't want to let selfish, prideful things get in the way of being kind, particularly when they are as wrong headed as what has been getting to me now.
I have to be concerned about it, because it may mean I am going thru something ... and that worries me. I still have high hopes as well as the audacity to try to jump 'The Snake River', even knowing that Evel Knevil couldn't do it. No matter what, I am going to give it my best shot.
I can only hope it isn't without my best trait.
See, part of my struggle is going to be keeping myself. There are parts of my brain that are affected, and I have always been sensitive to stories about football players who have suffered from repeated trauma. There have been enough stories about former hall of famer's who suffer from being 'punch drunk', to catch my attention. Did you know that it affects career football players more than it does career boxers? Football has better p.r., and that is that.
Anywho, one of the things that I have noticed, is that there is a lot of personality disorder that comes along with it. That is my biggest worry. I don't mind much about remembering stuff, but when it comes to being ME at the core, it does matter to me. A lot.
Trust me, I notice when my critical thinking is a little off. I have my 'Rules To Live By', which I have carried with me for over ten years now. When I do something out of character, I feel it deep, and it is like someone walking over my grave.
I'd rather be dead, than not to be who I am.
This isn't about depression, there isn't too much of that going on here. I have had a nice ride, and wouldn't trade it in for anything. I have enjoyed most thoroughly my journey. If it ended tonight (thru natural means, of course), it must mean I can't take another bite, I am stuffed!
Been close to living as many as my dreams as a person could hope. Accept why I didn't make them come true, and have moved on. But the thing that kept me, what has me hopeful and what I have put all my stock in, is that I am an optimist.
YOU GET WHAT YOU EXPECT
I can't ever recall spending too long a time on 'why me' kind of stuff. Whenever I would watch angsty stuff, I would wonder why they didn't take what they had and work with it. If someone were to compare me to 'Forest Gump' instead of all the mess the Facebook quizzes match me to, I would take it.
Because like Forrest, my Mother doted on me, as long as she could. I had to overcome socialization obstacles that I had no role in creating. Didn't ask to be black, or what other AA's call 'light skinned'. Didn't care that I grew up mostly raised by a single Mom, and that because women were my role models, that I am effeminate to some tastes. Did not matter that being black and smart was seen as trying to deny your heritage, and that you wanted to be 'white'.
None of that crap mattered to me, because it is the overcoming of what is in front of you that your character is displayed. It pains me greatly that I have made some of the choices that I have made, and not only did I recognize that they were poorly made at the time, that I would compound the errors. I have found solace in 'living to fight another day', and that hope springs eternal. Forgiveness is powerful, and if you can seek it of yourself, you can find it in life.
But there are some things that comes with giving forgiven and giving forgiveness. Don't know what it means if you don't have kindness in your heart and good will towards people.
Objectively, my ex wife and I are a poor match. I have moved away from what ever it was that dogged me regarding her, and do you know what I worried about when we spoke earlier this year? I worried that she would have actually be a different person, and she would ask if we could see one anther, now that we were both single.
That would have been problematic, because subjectively, I still love her.
I don't 'qualify' love. It is defined by relationship (I love Hutch as a friend ... I love several readers as a friends). No one has to 'want it' from me, because I don't think any of the love in my heart is really 'mine'. I think it is supposed to be given, because that is what I expect back from life, love.
IT'S THE MAN WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE
Reading journals, I came across one that led me to a very illogical conclusion, not that I am a logical thinker or anything. It was illogical because the Mark that I grew up with, would have NEVER came to that point. And for that, I felt ashamed of myself, because I knew it. Could have left it alone, kept on journaling about crap, and pretended it never happened. But I would have had to go to sleep with that person, the one who said that 'stuff'. I wouldn't have wanted to do that. So I am rambling on, to no one in particular but to everyone.
When I 'armored up', developing into the stout fellow I am now, I always thought it was so that I could be and do as I pleased. People stopped picking at me, women discovered me, and I found that I commanded a certain respect because of my profile. Or DESPITE IT.
The whole 'black enough' issue is one that isn't 'in' me. Sometimes, it leads to a victimization, where in order to seem black, you have to take instant offense to things on the matter of race. There is a lot of things you can attribute to the prejudice in the world, but it isn't a blanket to be used at the drop of the hat.
Social injustice happens because of sex, religion, political beliefs, economics, and education. There are too many other factors involved in why thing are the way they are to continue listing. But it has been my opinion since I was a young man, that when you use any of the listed reasons, that you should think again, before you build a cause around it.
Because usually when you do, you tend to be close minded, mean and thoughtless. And hey, I am a nice cat! I like being that way, being 'Nigel', and when stuff makes me feel like I am coming away from that, it bothers me.
And it tends to bother me a little more, now. I still don't get mad easily at personal affronts, but for some reason, there is a lash out in me, that just got there 'a second ago', you see. It bugs me. It bugs me that it coincides with something else that is going on in with my life. But that stuff is for another day.
Yeah, I try to be the first to apologize, because it interferes with the mission, creating hard feelings. I don't want to let selfish, prideful things get in the way of being kind, particularly when they are as wrong headed as what has been getting to me now.
I have to be concerned about it, because it may mean I am going thru something ... and that worries me. I still have high hopes as well as the audacity to try to jump 'The Snake River', even knowing that Evel Knevil couldn't do it. No matter what, I am going to give it my best shot.
I can only hope it isn't without my best trait.
REDUNDANCY
AND NOW, FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
Woke up before my morning alarm ... that is set for 0630 hrs., to get my run in. But I am wide awake at 5 a.m. So I sit up, because I have been dreaming, and it hasn't quite vaporized from my mind.
Watching Sportscenter, I make it come away from the light and back into the darkness where I can see it more fully. The anchors are talking about the basketball and hockey playoffs. I wonder if the Capitals have won (they did), but other than that, I am trying to focus on my dream.
... where I am sitting at the living room table, with someone's Mother sitting to my right. I am at the end, and across from her is her daughter, about 26 years old. Mom has some papers and a fancy dan ink pen. Someone is supposedly be ready to sign something ... and it is supposed to be me.
Mom is explaining how while their darling daughter (the Mr. is at work and it is 3 p.m. . Maybe he will be home soon, this wasn't in their plan, but hey, they are rolling with it) shouldn't be getting married. She talks about baby girl getting her feet on the ground, and building towards a future that she has been working on since jr. high. This is really the first relationship she has been involved in, and while the things like our age difference, my back ground, gave them pause, she and her husband did not think that getting in the way would make things better.
"We honestly thought that Precious would grow tired of you. After all, you don't dance (and he don't love no body ... he just wants your body girl ... he's just a gigolo), and we didn't think she would even be considering marriage ..."
Marriage?? Someone is married and I am again part of the equation?? My mind's eye is looking around the room ... Skye, KT and Lexxie aren't in the room, so she must be talking to me. But who is it that I am considering marrying?
Mom continues. "... so we went to our attorney and had the annulement drew up. All you have to do now is sign these papers. Dad (she didn't call him that, but if I had names, then I would know who it is I will be sitting down having this conversation with) will be here shortly and we can go together to the lawyer's office ..."
My mind slips again, and I am back to the FIRST time something like this happened, where I was facing down Skye's Granddad on her Mum's side. My attention shifts ... thought the Capitals were out played in the first period, they would beat the Rangers on a goal by Sergi Federov ... still have good memories of him playing for the Wings. The Celtics and the Bulls are having a good series, but in hockey, each and every round is epic. The Caps just got out of the first round in a life and death struggle. I have always thought the Celtics were a tad overrated, but like most good Celtic teams since Bird, they always find a way to win, especially when they shouldn't.
... so Dad is here, and he is giving us the drill, his well rehearsed and practiced speech. He can't help but be a little condescending. This isn't the 'audience' he thought he'd have, if he had ever considered talking to some cat Precious brought home to gain approval. She has a hurt look creasing her face, a deep and somewhat bitter disappointment. Why bitter? My mind races. When Daddy dearest finishes, we are all piling into cars, the ladies into a Lexus and the men in a C-class Mercedes. So someone has money, and that means someone has 'interests' to protect.
I am searching my heart. Why am I here? What would make me want to put myself in this position again? I was so callow when I spoke to Skye's Granddad about marrying his daughter, but I spoke as strong as I could. We were in love, and we were both stupid. Most young kids are, when they talk about getting married, but I thought then as I was thinking in my dream, if there is more love than there is stupidity, it can work.
So I look at Precious. Her eyes glisten, waiting to be carried into the Lexus before they spring a leak and she starts bawling. She wants this, and though I don't know why, I am thinking that if she wants this that badly, then maybe I owe it to her. After all, someone that wants you is all you can really ask for.
Is she going to be willing to remind me of the reason I went to the kitchen? Will she want to sit down when we are walking the Galleria Mall in search of her perfect set of earrings? Will she let me 'get all tangential' and connect the dots from one sphere of life to another, and listen raptly to me as I do it, participating in the conversation?
There is talk of money for someone to start something (I guess that would meant for me, to get out of their daughter's life, and continue on with my organic mess elsewhere). I look at Precious, eyes welling and I can see something that I don't remember seeing when I looked into someone's eyes in a similiar situation. I can feel something, something real and authentic. This girl loves someone, and I'M that someone.
As Daddy dearest finishes, a few years older than me (but only a few ... I am still 43 years old!!), I tell him that he must really love his daughter, to be willing to buy someone away from her. I ain't mad at you, in fact I completely understand.
"But," I add, "I didn't come to Nebraska to run some game on anyone. This isn't a story where you will be talking with that cat on NBC Dateline, talking about how some slickster from Detroit, settled in town and preyed upon your daughter. Nope, I came here to find a life, and I happen to believe I have found it with your daughter."
"She isn't my first choice. I don't hang around elementary schools, looking for children. I have no idea what my daughters is going to think, having a step mom that is in their classes with them at University. But I feel the love that your daughter has for me is geniue. She isn't a rebel (but I'm a rebel, so I RE -bel!!), and I wouldn't be around her if she was. We both want love in our lives, and that is why we are together, in spite of everything."
I reach across the table and pick up Precious' hand. "We love one another, and we fill each other's heart." With my free hand, I pick up the annulement papers. "I think I will hang on to these. Don't know, but they may come in handy some day. Seen enough soap operas to know that stuff like this always comes back for some reason."
Rising from the table in unison, Precious and I lock eyes, as tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. Her lips are trembling as she is trying to smile. She must think that I said the right things, and she obviously believes that we did the right thing.
I am so like, "gee, I hope so!!" We walk out of the house, hands tightly clasped. We are still together, passing our first test. And we are still in love.
EPILOUGE
Man, that was the weirdest dream to be having. I don't often have dreams like this, ones that stay in my head, but this one did. I thought that if I wrote it down, it would have evaporated before I got it out.
I am thinking that I may not have learned anything ... or maybe I have learned enough to make it work, because this dream felt like something I have done before. ALL of this, is feels like something I have done before. There are some differences, but still... Essentially, some strange, free asscoiative thoughts have bonded together to form a construct in my mind. There is little rationality to any of this, save the rational sense that it makes in my head.
Shouldn't I be seeing flying monkeys as well? Purple dragons and pink mushrooms? Even I ask myself if I am this 'blue sky, filled with white puffy clouds'. Then I remember coming from the R.O.K, for some TDY in San Fransisco, and driving somewhere ... where ever it was, the sky with the ocean looked THIS BIG. Man, as mushy and sentimental as I can be, I didn't take pictures or pick up trinkets. Wish I had, wish I had. Who is going to take me to Monte Carlo so they can beat on me for three weeks, and pay me for the privliege again??
I have been thinking about the idea of going to Nebraska. Like Thunderbirds, the plan is still a go. There are bugs to be worked out. But I am going to leave Detroit, one way or another.
Oh, and to say I 'got up early' ... when DON'T I do that!!
NEXT: I TOLD YOUR FRIENDS YOU WERE FROM GARY ...
Woke up before my morning alarm ... that is set for 0630 hrs., to get my run in. But I am wide awake at 5 a.m. So I sit up, because I have been dreaming, and it hasn't quite vaporized from my mind.
Watching Sportscenter, I make it come away from the light and back into the darkness where I can see it more fully. The anchors are talking about the basketball and hockey playoffs. I wonder if the Capitals have won (they did), but other than that, I am trying to focus on my dream.
... where I am sitting at the living room table, with someone's Mother sitting to my right. I am at the end, and across from her is her daughter, about 26 years old. Mom has some papers and a fancy dan ink pen. Someone is supposedly be ready to sign something ... and it is supposed to be me.
Mom is explaining how while their darling daughter (the Mr. is at work and it is 3 p.m. . Maybe he will be home soon, this wasn't in their plan, but hey, they are rolling with it) shouldn't be getting married. She talks about baby girl getting her feet on the ground, and building towards a future that she has been working on since jr. high. This is really the first relationship she has been involved in, and while the things like our age difference, my back ground, gave them pause, she and her husband did not think that getting in the way would make things better.
"We honestly thought that Precious would grow tired of you. After all, you don't dance (and he don't love no body ... he just wants your body girl ... he's just a gigolo), and we didn't think she would even be considering marriage ..."
Marriage?? Someone is married and I am again part of the equation?? My mind's eye is looking around the room ... Skye, KT and Lexxie aren't in the room, so she must be talking to me. But who is it that I am considering marrying?
Mom continues. "... so we went to our attorney and had the annulement drew up. All you have to do now is sign these papers. Dad (she didn't call him that, but if I had names, then I would know who it is I will be sitting down having this conversation with) will be here shortly and we can go together to the lawyer's office ..."
My mind slips again, and I am back to the FIRST time something like this happened, where I was facing down Skye's Granddad on her Mum's side. My attention shifts ... thought the Capitals were out played in the first period, they would beat the Rangers on a goal by Sergi Federov ... still have good memories of him playing for the Wings. The Celtics and the Bulls are having a good series, but in hockey, each and every round is epic. The Caps just got out of the first round in a life and death struggle. I have always thought the Celtics were a tad overrated, but like most good Celtic teams since Bird, they always find a way to win, especially when they shouldn't.
... so Dad is here, and he is giving us the drill, his well rehearsed and practiced speech. He can't help but be a little condescending. This isn't the 'audience' he thought he'd have, if he had ever considered talking to some cat Precious brought home to gain approval. She has a hurt look creasing her face, a deep and somewhat bitter disappointment. Why bitter? My mind races. When Daddy dearest finishes, we are all piling into cars, the ladies into a Lexus and the men in a C-class Mercedes. So someone has money, and that means someone has 'interests' to protect.
I am searching my heart. Why am I here? What would make me want to put myself in this position again? I was so callow when I spoke to Skye's Granddad about marrying his daughter, but I spoke as strong as I could. We were in love, and we were both stupid. Most young kids are, when they talk about getting married, but I thought then as I was thinking in my dream, if there is more love than there is stupidity, it can work.
So I look at Precious. Her eyes glisten, waiting to be carried into the Lexus before they spring a leak and she starts bawling. She wants this, and though I don't know why, I am thinking that if she wants this that badly, then maybe I owe it to her. After all, someone that wants you is all you can really ask for.
Is she going to be willing to remind me of the reason I went to the kitchen? Will she want to sit down when we are walking the Galleria Mall in search of her perfect set of earrings? Will she let me 'get all tangential' and connect the dots from one sphere of life to another, and listen raptly to me as I do it, participating in the conversation?
There is talk of money for someone to start something (I guess that would meant for me, to get out of their daughter's life, and continue on with my organic mess elsewhere). I look at Precious, eyes welling and I can see something that I don't remember seeing when I looked into someone's eyes in a similiar situation. I can feel something, something real and authentic. This girl loves someone, and I'M that someone.
As Daddy dearest finishes, a few years older than me (but only a few ... I am still 43 years old!!), I tell him that he must really love his daughter, to be willing to buy someone away from her. I ain't mad at you, in fact I completely understand.
"But," I add, "I didn't come to Nebraska to run some game on anyone. This isn't a story where you will be talking with that cat on NBC Dateline, talking about how some slickster from Detroit, settled in town and preyed upon your daughter. Nope, I came here to find a life, and I happen to believe I have found it with your daughter."
"She isn't my first choice. I don't hang around elementary schools, looking for children. I have no idea what my daughters is going to think, having a step mom that is in their classes with them at University. But I feel the love that your daughter has for me is geniue. She isn't a rebel (but I'm a rebel, so I RE -bel!!), and I wouldn't be around her if she was. We both want love in our lives, and that is why we are together, in spite of everything."
I reach across the table and pick up Precious' hand. "We love one another, and we fill each other's heart." With my free hand, I pick up the annulement papers. "I think I will hang on to these. Don't know, but they may come in handy some day. Seen enough soap operas to know that stuff like this always comes back for some reason."
Rising from the table in unison, Precious and I lock eyes, as tears begin to trickle down her cheeks. Her lips are trembling as she is trying to smile. She must think that I said the right things, and she obviously believes that we did the right thing.
I am so like, "gee, I hope so!!" We walk out of the house, hands tightly clasped. We are still together, passing our first test. And we are still in love.
EPILOUGE
Man, that was the weirdest dream to be having. I don't often have dreams like this, ones that stay in my head, but this one did. I thought that if I wrote it down, it would have evaporated before I got it out.
I am thinking that I may not have learned anything ... or maybe I have learned enough to make it work, because this dream felt like something I have done before. ALL of this, is feels like something I have done before. There are some differences, but still... Essentially, some strange, free asscoiative thoughts have bonded together to form a construct in my mind. There is little rationality to any of this, save the rational sense that it makes in my head.
Shouldn't I be seeing flying monkeys as well? Purple dragons and pink mushrooms? Even I ask myself if I am this 'blue sky, filled with white puffy clouds'. Then I remember coming from the R.O.K, for some TDY in San Fransisco, and driving somewhere ... where ever it was, the sky with the ocean looked THIS BIG. Man, as mushy and sentimental as I can be, I didn't take pictures or pick up trinkets. Wish I had, wish I had. Who is going to take me to Monte Carlo so they can beat on me for three weeks, and pay me for the privliege again??
I have been thinking about the idea of going to Nebraska. Like Thunderbirds, the plan is still a go. There are bugs to be worked out. But I am going to leave Detroit, one way or another.
Oh, and to say I 'got up early' ... when DON'T I do that!!
NEXT: I TOLD YOUR FRIENDS YOU WERE FROM GARY ...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
WHY WE FIGHT
THE THOUGHT POLICE
*sigh* We can't seem to disagree in a constructive fashion. People believe what they believe and surround themselves with like minded people. Good and spirited debate has been replaced by shouting and ranting at each other, sticking to talking points and buzz words.
With the everyone straining to have their point of view heard, how can anyone be listening to one another? It always bothers me when I find myself demeaning someone point a view with veiled personal attacks and pseudo facts and experiences.
It makes me think that something outside of my own logic is making me 'think' a certain way. It all reminds me of 'The Two Minute Hate', and all our frustrations are vented onto the story of the day. I think we waste our energy being distracted with fake news stories like 'The Octomom' or the Perez Hilton controversy. So when you have discussions on real policy, instead of talking about it, we shout and vent.
Is anyone really hearing anything?
Don't know what 'side' it is on, but the documentary 'Why We Fight' brings up a lot of questions in my mind about the rationale for the current war (and ladies and gentleman, there is only one true war ... and it isn't against terror, and it never, ever was, and that is that). It uses the Eisenhower farewell address, where he coined the eerily prescient phrase, 'the military industrial complex' to great effect.
One of the reasons that real debate doesn't seem to be occurring, is that everyone thinks that it is 'their right' to be heard, and that 'they're right' whatever it is they are talking about. Anyone who thinks contrary or can deconstruct their argument is discredited through mud slinging.
The Ministry of Truth is involved with news media, entertainment, the fine arts and educational books. Its purpose is to rewrite history and change the facts to fit party doctrine, for propaganda effect.
Whenever something doesn't make me 'feel' right, something that I think is outside of my true nature, I really question that emotion. That above is from a wiki description of the function of the place that Winston works at in '1984'. One of the reasons that I worried about 'losing myself', which can happen to people in my condition, is that I wanted to keep thinking the way that I knew. I don't want anyone telling me 'what I think', especially when the information is at hand.
In my younger days, I could pull out and link up with stuff that would 'prove' my conspiracy case. One of the topics in the documentary, the think tank Project for the New American Century, is a policy making apparatus that is outside of the elected government. They have been looking at the American presence in the Middle East since the late 60's. Many of the people that crafted the strategy that is taking shape as policy, are in positions of authority in the government.
*whew* You see why I decided to climb out of the rabbit hole? I mean, I still think it is fun, tracing the threads back to where they first begin to unravel ... in fact, there is a blogger who post some of the most arcane stuff regarding 'they who sit above in shadow' (my phrase). Before stuff started happening to me, before I was rambling on the message boards, I decided to stop pulling at things.
GOLDSTEIN
There is always a central point of divisive points in the collective conscious of people. For us, it 'why don't you love America'. In the wake of what occurred as a result of 9/11, it was the rallying cry of those who wanted to build momentum to strip away rights IN GENERAL, let alone the humanity of those who don't agree with us. We here in America are less safe, have more to fear, and fewer freedoms than we did prior to the Patriot Act. One of the reasons this was allowed to happen is the focus on Osama Bin Laden as the personification of what we are 'fighting' against.
There is another term, 'blowback', that hardly makes the rounds whenever there happens to be discussion on 'why they don't like us'. Blowback is when stuff that we don't know about happens in other places, and they get a chance to strike back at us. For some reason, we in America seem to think that we are above and beyond the things that we 'know' other governments do.
We don't know what we do that affect other countries or even understand why. One of the reasons that this season's '24' has me making it lock down time, is that is involves an arm of the dreaded 'complex' , the extension of paramilitary outfits, who want to make a profit in the name of 'protecting the country'. It sounds like what would happen in 'the banana republics' of South America, or what went on in Southeast Asia 50 years ago.
Demonizing Osama Bin Laden seems more than a little purposeful. That one man can create so much havoc is a little beyond ridiculous to me. Even if he was independently wealthy, I never remember hearing that he was like Bill Gates. We assume that because he is from Saudi oil money, that he has cash at his disposal. I don't think that his wealth is like that, and I don't believe that he gets his hands on money like that.
I just think that so much about what is going on is being done for less than honorable reasons.
BIG BROTHER
What does ANYONE believe? What does anyone know?
The way that I interpret the Eisenhower address, is that he is warning about what is taking place, that people who serve their interests, are making decisions that have far reaching effects.
I laugh at how there has been nearly 30 years of sustain winning hockey (I don't have Versus ... am dreading missing the Caps - Rangers Game 7!!) played by the Detroit Red Wings. That means there are folks who are in their 20's and early 30's who have no idea of how bad the Wings were. They were Detroit Lions, historically bad back in the late 70's and early part of the 80's.
So they only know what they know. They have no appreciation for the past, and can only assume that the future will bring more of the same. After all, that is all anyone ever says is going to happen and no one has ever told them any different.
The government is like that in many ways. We have been at 'alleged war' for nearly a decade. That means that their are one time kindergarten children who think that it is perfectly normal for us to be 'at war'. And that the war is justified and good. Of course, the administration that led us into the war, told us that. Big Brother.
Not only did deregulation lead to corporations running amok, there has been a consolidation of voices that is unhealthy as well. That it also coincides with a consolidation of power is frightening. Not only is the fox in and guarding the chicken house, he owns the coop!
The best I think that I can do, is to maintain control over the things that I can influence. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable discussing 'big things' here again, because I don't like the jagged pieces to my comments. When I am sitting with AKA and we talk about what's what, there is a different texture. I prefer talking about stuff that may be taken out of context face to face.
Most conspiracies have some one or some organization that is sinister in nature that manipulates things. Don't think so, but hey, I don't do the rabbit hole thing anymore. Could be wrong and the Knights of the Templar are synced with the Mayan calendar and Ragnarok is going to ensue with the Great Race War that many supremacist organizations across the world believe.
The world will become a cinder. That is something I have no control over. Don't really posses the 'candle power' to find anything to prevent it from happening. So what am I going to do?
PAY GRADE
I want to keep losing weight, because it is more than a vanity for me. In the May issue of Runner magazine, there is a small story about a cat who suffered brain trauma in a car accident, and he ran the Boston Marathon. Reading that I am not the only one that has to push through to run, and that he fights with the same things I fight with as far as balance and coordination is concerned, cheered me. I let me know that I am not alone. I get the same way reading journals, which is why I cheer MJB when she is on an outing.
I have got to get back to handling the stuff in my job description, handle the things that are in the 'limits of my post'.
Beth is worrying over getting her in laws resettled. I am really following her, because I am wondering is there going to be any worry about my planned 'resettlement' in Nebraska. It is going to be different for me, as Beth is connected in a tangible way with her in laws, and while I know that I think highly of Nebraska, I have some doubts, coalesced in what I call 'the icy drop of acid, that is fear' about what I am going to do.
Got to have my 'A game' on. It is hard enough dealing with my life, to worry about LIFE. I was warned that I think too much, and I think that is something that I should keep too. It isn't like fretting about my love life isn't complex enough!!
SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH
If anything, talking about the world is a way to run away from things that are on my mind, for real. Let's get back on message, because Nebraska is still a million miles away from here.
*sigh* We can't seem to disagree in a constructive fashion. People believe what they believe and surround themselves with like minded people. Good and spirited debate has been replaced by shouting and ranting at each other, sticking to talking points and buzz words.
With the everyone straining to have their point of view heard, how can anyone be listening to one another? It always bothers me when I find myself demeaning someone point a view with veiled personal attacks and pseudo facts and experiences.
It makes me think that something outside of my own logic is making me 'think' a certain way. It all reminds me of 'The Two Minute Hate', and all our frustrations are vented onto the story of the day. I think we waste our energy being distracted with fake news stories like 'The Octomom' or the Perez Hilton controversy. So when you have discussions on real policy, instead of talking about it, we shout and vent.
Is anyone really hearing anything?
Don't know what 'side' it is on, but the documentary 'Why We Fight' brings up a lot of questions in my mind about the rationale for the current war (and ladies and gentleman, there is only one true war ... and it isn't against terror, and it never, ever was, and that is that). It uses the Eisenhower farewell address, where he coined the eerily prescient phrase, 'the military industrial complex' to great effect.
One of the reasons that real debate doesn't seem to be occurring, is that everyone thinks that it is 'their right' to be heard, and that 'they're right' whatever it is they are talking about. Anyone who thinks contrary or can deconstruct their argument is discredited through mud slinging.
The Ministry of Truth is involved with news media, entertainment, the fine arts and educational books. Its purpose is to rewrite history and change the facts to fit party doctrine, for propaganda effect.
Whenever something doesn't make me 'feel' right, something that I think is outside of my true nature, I really question that emotion. That above is from a wiki description of the function of the place that Winston works at in '1984'. One of the reasons that I worried about 'losing myself', which can happen to people in my condition, is that I wanted to keep thinking the way that I knew. I don't want anyone telling me 'what I think', especially when the information is at hand.
In my younger days, I could pull out and link up with stuff that would 'prove' my conspiracy case. One of the topics in the documentary, the think tank Project for the New American Century, is a policy making apparatus that is outside of the elected government. They have been looking at the American presence in the Middle East since the late 60's. Many of the people that crafted the strategy that is taking shape as policy, are in positions of authority in the government.
*whew* You see why I decided to climb out of the rabbit hole? I mean, I still think it is fun, tracing the threads back to where they first begin to unravel ... in fact, there is a blogger who post some of the most arcane stuff regarding 'they who sit above in shadow' (my phrase). Before stuff started happening to me, before I was rambling on the message boards, I decided to stop pulling at things.
GOLDSTEIN
There is always a central point of divisive points in the collective conscious of people. For us, it 'why don't you love America'. In the wake of what occurred as a result of 9/11, it was the rallying cry of those who wanted to build momentum to strip away rights IN GENERAL, let alone the humanity of those who don't agree with us. We here in America are less safe, have more to fear, and fewer freedoms than we did prior to the Patriot Act. One of the reasons this was allowed to happen is the focus on Osama Bin Laden as the personification of what we are 'fighting' against.
There is another term, 'blowback', that hardly makes the rounds whenever there happens to be discussion on 'why they don't like us'. Blowback is when stuff that we don't know about happens in other places, and they get a chance to strike back at us. For some reason, we in America seem to think that we are above and beyond the things that we 'know' other governments do.
We don't know what we do that affect other countries or even understand why. One of the reasons that this season's '24' has me making it lock down time, is that is involves an arm of the dreaded 'complex' , the extension of paramilitary outfits, who want to make a profit in the name of 'protecting the country'. It sounds like what would happen in 'the banana republics' of South America, or what went on in Southeast Asia 50 years ago.
Demonizing Osama Bin Laden seems more than a little purposeful. That one man can create so much havoc is a little beyond ridiculous to me. Even if he was independently wealthy, I never remember hearing that he was like Bill Gates. We assume that because he is from Saudi oil money, that he has cash at his disposal. I don't think that his wealth is like that, and I don't believe that he gets his hands on money like that.
I just think that so much about what is going on is being done for less than honorable reasons.
BIG BROTHER
What does ANYONE believe? What does anyone know?
The way that I interpret the Eisenhower address, is that he is warning about what is taking place, that people who serve their interests, are making decisions that have far reaching effects.
I laugh at how there has been nearly 30 years of sustain winning hockey (I don't have Versus ... am dreading missing the Caps - Rangers Game 7!!) played by the Detroit Red Wings. That means there are folks who are in their 20's and early 30's who have no idea of how bad the Wings were. They were Detroit Lions, historically bad back in the late 70's and early part of the 80's.
So they only know what they know. They have no appreciation for the past, and can only assume that the future will bring more of the same. After all, that is all anyone ever says is going to happen and no one has ever told them any different.
The government is like that in many ways. We have been at 'alleged war' for nearly a decade. That means that their are one time kindergarten children who think that it is perfectly normal for us to be 'at war'. And that the war is justified and good. Of course, the administration that led us into the war, told us that. Big Brother.
Not only did deregulation lead to corporations running amok, there has been a consolidation of voices that is unhealthy as well. That it also coincides with a consolidation of power is frightening. Not only is the fox in and guarding the chicken house, he owns the coop!
The best I think that I can do, is to maintain control over the things that I can influence. I don't know if I will ever feel as comfortable discussing 'big things' here again, because I don't like the jagged pieces to my comments. When I am sitting with AKA and we talk about what's what, there is a different texture. I prefer talking about stuff that may be taken out of context face to face.
Most conspiracies have some one or some organization that is sinister in nature that manipulates things. Don't think so, but hey, I don't do the rabbit hole thing anymore. Could be wrong and the Knights of the Templar are synced with the Mayan calendar and Ragnarok is going to ensue with the Great Race War that many supremacist organizations across the world believe.
The world will become a cinder. That is something I have no control over. Don't really posses the 'candle power' to find anything to prevent it from happening. So what am I going to do?
PAY GRADE
I want to keep losing weight, because it is more than a vanity for me. In the May issue of Runner magazine, there is a small story about a cat who suffered brain trauma in a car accident, and he ran the Boston Marathon. Reading that I am not the only one that has to push through to run, and that he fights with the same things I fight with as far as balance and coordination is concerned, cheered me. I let me know that I am not alone. I get the same way reading journals, which is why I cheer MJB when she is on an outing.
I have got to get back to handling the stuff in my job description, handle the things that are in the 'limits of my post'.
Beth is worrying over getting her in laws resettled. I am really following her, because I am wondering is there going to be any worry about my planned 'resettlement' in Nebraska. It is going to be different for me, as Beth is connected in a tangible way with her in laws, and while I know that I think highly of Nebraska, I have some doubts, coalesced in what I call 'the icy drop of acid, that is fear' about what I am going to do.
Got to have my 'A game' on. It is hard enough dealing with my life, to worry about LIFE. I was warned that I think too much, and I think that is something that I should keep too. It isn't like fretting about my love life isn't complex enough!!
SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH
If anything, talking about the world is a way to run away from things that are on my mind, for real. Let's get back on message, because Nebraska is still a million miles away from here.
Monday, April 27, 2009
How To Break A Terrorist, OR ...
... How To Pick Up Girls
Because the idea of 'approaches' works for both.
Let me clarify what my stance on torture is. It is banned by the Geneva Conventions not to mention many other governing documents. That is good enough for me. What initially gets to me, is the same thing that makes Col. Jessup such a tragic figure in my mind. He is the last of a breed of men that we are not making anymore. And that is cool.
But as far as assigning 'responsibility' for what took places, I am ready to accept whatever punishments that were issued, and move on. As far as the previous doctrine behind interrogation techniques go, let them be. And get over it.
Snuck to Borders at Fairlane and the Barnes and Nobles in Allen Park and read 'How to Interrogate A Terrorist' for free this weekend. It was a quick read, and I took notes and everything. But I think I can do without them for this.
What I don't like is the call for someone to be held accountable. Problem is, you still need people to do those jobs, albeit with different techniques. The latte sippers, who wear Birkenstocks and eat their organic food may as well be chewing gum with their bung hole, because when they talk about things, they fart. And with gum in the bum, they end up popping sh*t.
I had two opportunities to be a 'real soldier', and let me tell you, until you do it, you have no idea. Remember the cat in 'Private Ryan' that got assigned to Tom Hanks because he spoke a little German? I may have mentioned before, that would have been me. The point being, that I really never got 'close' to anything. I was just 'in country'.
So I am only a 'little less' ignorant of what it takes to be on a front line than any of the pundits that 'know' how we should deploy our troops and conduct military policy. My thing, is what do we do with the Col. Jessup of our military, and now that we make them obsolete, are we going to punish them for a 'job well done'?
If you want to say that now with the new administration, this is policy, say it. As far as retroactively punishing people, forget it. Shun them into retirement and let that be that. Change their jobs, so that they are effectively removed from the position that gave them access to do what was once tolerated.
Witch hunting and damnation for public display? Spare me. YOU DO THAT JOB, the one that they did. You know what torture says to the troop that is on the ground, in hostile territory? It says that my country has my back. That is about it, and no, it isn't enough to justify it.
But try telling that to the 20 year old kid from Appalachia or the South Side of Chicago, trapped by guys whose sense of right and wrong is straight out of the 6th century. We want to believe in 'Private Ryan', and we want to believe that we will do whatever it takes to get our boys back safely.
This is actually a more nuanced subject to really be journaling about. Joe Biden said on '60 Minutes' that 'We don't torture.' And that is the long and short of it, no moral grandstanding or anything. We don't do it.
REFRAMING THE DISCUSSION
As far as 'picking up girls', I have always found that finding an 'approach', the one that gets you into their mind, is key. The book essentially had a 'bees with honey' theme, building a rapport with each suspect (everyone was Abu -something or the other) was key. A book that was mentioned in Ken's journal the other day, 'The Peter Principle' was a big stumbling block to getting the right man to interrogate the key to find the cat they were looking for.
Many women often 'rise to the level of their incompetency'. How many of them want someone on a level that they themselves are not only on, but capable of reaching themselves?
That is what makes a lot of girls vunerable, because of the mess that society makes of a woman's identity. Hey, I am just saying ... I know that the hypersexualization of women really retards their emotional growth. Women deal with contradictions that men don't have to face in defining themselves, which allows men to feel less conflicted in being 'a man'. No matter what, women are still being defined by their ability to find a partner. And with all the mixed messages that are being sent from all points, you have women with 'beer money' trying to live out their 'champagne dreams'.
Now, when I mention 'beer money ...', I am not talking only about material things. It is a 360 approach I am doing. What kind of human being are you, how intelligent and aware a person is, and being 'real' for real, you dig? Like in the book, there was a 'culture clash' in the gator pit, because you had one group who believed that their way was how to handle the interrogations, and the new guard, who had wanted to take a different tack.
Same thing with women. I sort of weep for both Mookie and Tee Jay, whose expectations hasn't changed as they have gotten older and the world has changed around them. It isn't that what they are expecting in a partner 'can't happen', but no matter how many times I shake the ol' magic 8 ball asking that question for them, it continues to say 'unlikely to happen'.
What this means, is that they risk becoming 'victims' of the same games as they were before. The one thing that I got out of both of them, is that I was different from their norm. Not 'abnormal', but different. With Mookie, (and to some extent, my ex Wife) if there was more 'truth' to their 'realness', we may have found a way to make things work.
Tee Jay, it was pretty much my bad. BUT, it wounds me to have heard she is back to where she was when I met her. So while she experienced a 'different' kind of relationship with me, one where she knew how much she was valued, she is again looking for the very cat who didn't appreciate her. Not too big of an assumption, because in the few convestations we have had, she has said as much. I don't have 'this' or 'that' to my deportment (and why do people even think that 'this' or 'that' is related? they don't even share any DNA!), and she would like someone with a little more 'hood' to them. Oh, well all right, all right then!!
I sort of feel like one of the 'new school 'gators' in the book. Between 'Cinderella complex' and the desire for that 'Roughneck love', I anticipate a lot of resistence to getting back out in the field. I been thru all this kind of mess, back in my twenties. If women are still being driven by these same kind of ideas ... well, it sheds May - December romances in a new light. There was some friction because in order for them to get the break they needed, the Air Force cat had to work around the old school obstruction that caused the problems in locating their target.
No different in relationships. In the cases that I mentioned from my life, whatever it is they are 'stuck' with, they have to be willing to be helped thru or overcome themselves. No, you shouldn't have to change to be loved, but when you don't love yourself, you need to change to someone you can love, and then you will have love to give.
Anywho, I am starting to get off track here ... or is it a new track, because I want to get into what is what for my summer!
Because the idea of 'approaches' works for both.
Let me clarify what my stance on torture is. It is banned by the Geneva Conventions not to mention many other governing documents. That is good enough for me. What initially gets to me, is the same thing that makes Col. Jessup such a tragic figure in my mind. He is the last of a breed of men that we are not making anymore. And that is cool.
But as far as assigning 'responsibility' for what took places, I am ready to accept whatever punishments that were issued, and move on. As far as the previous doctrine behind interrogation techniques go, let them be. And get over it.
Snuck to Borders at Fairlane and the Barnes and Nobles in Allen Park and read 'How to Interrogate A Terrorist' for free this weekend. It was a quick read, and I took notes and everything. But I think I can do without them for this.
What I don't like is the call for someone to be held accountable. Problem is, you still need people to do those jobs, albeit with different techniques. The latte sippers, who wear Birkenstocks and eat their organic food may as well be chewing gum with their bung hole, because when they talk about things, they fart. And with gum in the bum, they end up popping sh*t.
I had two opportunities to be a 'real soldier', and let me tell you, until you do it, you have no idea. Remember the cat in 'Private Ryan' that got assigned to Tom Hanks because he spoke a little German? I may have mentioned before, that would have been me. The point being, that I really never got 'close' to anything. I was just 'in country'.
So I am only a 'little less' ignorant of what it takes to be on a front line than any of the pundits that 'know' how we should deploy our troops and conduct military policy. My thing, is what do we do with the Col. Jessup of our military, and now that we make them obsolete, are we going to punish them for a 'job well done'?
If you want to say that now with the new administration, this is policy, say it. As far as retroactively punishing people, forget it. Shun them into retirement and let that be that. Change their jobs, so that they are effectively removed from the position that gave them access to do what was once tolerated.
Witch hunting and damnation for public display? Spare me. YOU DO THAT JOB, the one that they did. You know what torture says to the troop that is on the ground, in hostile territory? It says that my country has my back. That is about it, and no, it isn't enough to justify it.
But try telling that to the 20 year old kid from Appalachia or the South Side of Chicago, trapped by guys whose sense of right and wrong is straight out of the 6th century. We want to believe in 'Private Ryan', and we want to believe that we will do whatever it takes to get our boys back safely.
This is actually a more nuanced subject to really be journaling about. Joe Biden said on '60 Minutes' that 'We don't torture.' And that is the long and short of it, no moral grandstanding or anything. We don't do it.
REFRAMING THE DISCUSSION
As far as 'picking up girls', I have always found that finding an 'approach', the one that gets you into their mind, is key. The book essentially had a 'bees with honey' theme, building a rapport with each suspect (everyone was Abu -something or the other) was key. A book that was mentioned in Ken's journal the other day, 'The Peter Principle' was a big stumbling block to getting the right man to interrogate the key to find the cat they were looking for.
Many women often 'rise to the level of their incompetency'. How many of them want someone on a level that they themselves are not only on, but capable of reaching themselves?
That is what makes a lot of girls vunerable, because of the mess that society makes of a woman's identity. Hey, I am just saying ... I know that the hypersexualization of women really retards their emotional growth. Women deal with contradictions that men don't have to face in defining themselves, which allows men to feel less conflicted in being 'a man'. No matter what, women are still being defined by their ability to find a partner. And with all the mixed messages that are being sent from all points, you have women with 'beer money' trying to live out their 'champagne dreams'.
Now, when I mention 'beer money ...', I am not talking only about material things. It is a 360 approach I am doing. What kind of human being are you, how intelligent and aware a person is, and being 'real' for real, you dig? Like in the book, there was a 'culture clash' in the gator pit, because you had one group who believed that their way was how to handle the interrogations, and the new guard, who had wanted to take a different tack.
Same thing with women. I sort of weep for both Mookie and Tee Jay, whose expectations hasn't changed as they have gotten older and the world has changed around them. It isn't that what they are expecting in a partner 'can't happen', but no matter how many times I shake the ol' magic 8 ball asking that question for them, it continues to say 'unlikely to happen'.
What this means, is that they risk becoming 'victims' of the same games as they were before. The one thing that I got out of both of them, is that I was different from their norm. Not 'abnormal', but different. With Mookie, (and to some extent, my ex Wife) if there was more 'truth' to their 'realness', we may have found a way to make things work.
Tee Jay, it was pretty much my bad. BUT, it wounds me to have heard she is back to where she was when I met her. So while she experienced a 'different' kind of relationship with me, one where she knew how much she was valued, she is again looking for the very cat who didn't appreciate her. Not too big of an assumption, because in the few convestations we have had, she has said as much. I don't have 'this' or 'that' to my deportment (and why do people even think that 'this' or 'that' is related? they don't even share any DNA!), and she would like someone with a little more 'hood' to them. Oh, well all right, all right then!!
I sort of feel like one of the 'new school 'gators' in the book. Between 'Cinderella complex' and the desire for that 'Roughneck love', I anticipate a lot of resistence to getting back out in the field. I been thru all this kind of mess, back in my twenties. If women are still being driven by these same kind of ideas ... well, it sheds May - December romances in a new light. There was some friction because in order for them to get the break they needed, the Air Force cat had to work around the old school obstruction that caused the problems in locating their target.
No different in relationships. In the cases that I mentioned from my life, whatever it is they are 'stuck' with, they have to be willing to be helped thru or overcome themselves. No, you shouldn't have to change to be loved, but when you don't love yourself, you need to change to someone you can love, and then you will have love to give.
Anywho, I am starting to get off track here ... or is it a new track, because I want to get into what is what for my summer!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
It's Universal
THINK OF A NUMBER
I listen to this song now, and I keep thinking of Beth & Ken, with all that science in their lives, dealing with all sorts of numbers and theorems and stuff. Sometimes I wonder how aware they are that they handle the kinds of math and science that only a few minds are able to comprehend, and even fewer of that number actually do it, and grow as they do.
Today I feel like thanking everyone who reads my journal, and tolerate my intrusions into their on line lives. Sometimes, I may get a little over involved ... sorry about that. It isn't that I think I even know what I am talking about (who am I kidding ... OF COURSE, I think I do!!).
Don't mean any harm, really I don't. And it isn't that my day to day is always pleasant. But what goes on is so mundane and inconsequential to where I am going, that I don't let the stuff rise to the level of concern, you feel me? Like I have never put some ice cream in the fridge and have it end up gone before ... what are you gonna do?
So when I do come out here, and something gets to making those connections, electrical charges floating across the ether, resembling the crab nebulae or something like that, I get to talking. Somewhere, I read somewhere the phrase 'therapy through blogging', and I guess there is some truth to that. I introduced the phrase 'therapy through commenting' today. I used to simply say on whatever journal really made my 'swelling itching brain' itch, that theirs was the 'long comment of the day'.
If I leave a comment that make sense to anyone, well, that was my intent! And occasionally, if I think someone needs some good cheer, I try to leave some of that too! That is how I roll, laughing at what makes me laugh. 'Audience of one'. But laughter between friends is very contagious, and I prefer spreading that than being all 'wowsy-woo-woo' that some people seem to enjoy.
Like Mike Singletary, 'I can't coach with them. Can't do it.'
THEN DIVIDE IT BY TWO
Taking my mind off of getting to Nebraska ... at the same time I wake up and try not to do anything that will jeopardize my getting to Nebraska ... UGH!
Some days I wake up, and say I should just leave tomorrow ... I NEVER tell her that, though. My 'spidey sense' says she is looking forward to me getting there as well, perhaps not as much as me, but all the same ... and talking about how much want to be there is like teasing. So I don't.
The problem I have with AKA, is that our 'personal issues' clash on a level of incompatibility that is hard to put into words. But the last person I felt in a similar way, I married. And I am so not looking forward to doing that again. We do have a good time, but there is enough 'sand in the gears' to let me know that there is a catastrophic failure waiting to happen with her.
Sorry, I prefer being the author of my own foolish demise, thank you very much. Why should I let YOU compulsion overwhelm me and mine?
THEN THINK OF A NUMBER, DON'T THINK OF AN ANSWER
Who came up with the concept of zero? I mean, I know I could put it in a search engine and get it, but I have to try to get it from whatever mental file it is in, first. Kind of like finding my operaton level, how far I can actually push myself. Looking forward to getting involved in making my life come to pass, dealing with challenges that will lead to getting somewhere. The Mayans? The Incas??
It is a fabulous concept, zero is. That is what makes math so wonderful, and truly a universal 'sound'. What is there not to get? Every human being gets it, math that is. I think that is something that is primal as well. But that is me.
Sitting here past my bedtime. It is 1:30 am, and I am just staring into the screen. It is as though I am unwilling to let this day go. No, I am more anxious for the next one to begin and I get to another day and get to the one after that.
As I get ready to sign off, I am checking out Jamie Lee Curtis and her grey hair. Looks super good on her, doesn't it? Later, y'all!
I listen to this song now, and I keep thinking of Beth & Ken, with all that science in their lives, dealing with all sorts of numbers and theorems and stuff. Sometimes I wonder how aware they are that they handle the kinds of math and science that only a few minds are able to comprehend, and even fewer of that number actually do it, and grow as they do.
Today I feel like thanking everyone who reads my journal, and tolerate my intrusions into their on line lives. Sometimes, I may get a little over involved ... sorry about that. It isn't that I think I even know what I am talking about (who am I kidding ... OF COURSE, I think I do!!).
Don't mean any harm, really I don't. And it isn't that my day to day is always pleasant. But what goes on is so mundane and inconsequential to where I am going, that I don't let the stuff rise to the level of concern, you feel me? Like I have never put some ice cream in the fridge and have it end up gone before ... what are you gonna do?
So when I do come out here, and something gets to making those connections, electrical charges floating across the ether, resembling the crab nebulae or something like that, I get to talking. Somewhere, I read somewhere the phrase 'therapy through blogging', and I guess there is some truth to that. I introduced the phrase 'therapy through commenting' today. I used to simply say on whatever journal really made my 'swelling itching brain' itch, that theirs was the 'long comment of the day'.
If I leave a comment that make sense to anyone, well, that was my intent! And occasionally, if I think someone needs some good cheer, I try to leave some of that too! That is how I roll, laughing at what makes me laugh. 'Audience of one'. But laughter between friends is very contagious, and I prefer spreading that than being all 'wowsy-woo-woo' that some people seem to enjoy.
Like Mike Singletary, 'I can't coach with them. Can't do it.'
THEN DIVIDE IT BY TWO
Taking my mind off of getting to Nebraska ... at the same time I wake up and try not to do anything that will jeopardize my getting to Nebraska ... UGH!
Some days I wake up, and say I should just leave tomorrow ... I NEVER tell her that, though. My 'spidey sense' says she is looking forward to me getting there as well, perhaps not as much as me, but all the same ... and talking about how much want to be there is like teasing. So I don't.
The problem I have with AKA, is that our 'personal issues' clash on a level of incompatibility that is hard to put into words. But the last person I felt in a similar way, I married. And I am so not looking forward to doing that again. We do have a good time, but there is enough 'sand in the gears' to let me know that there is a catastrophic failure waiting to happen with her.
Sorry, I prefer being the author of my own foolish demise, thank you very much. Why should I let YOU compulsion overwhelm me and mine?
THEN THINK OF A NUMBER, DON'T THINK OF AN ANSWER
Who came up with the concept of zero? I mean, I know I could put it in a search engine and get it, but I have to try to get it from whatever mental file it is in, first. Kind of like finding my operaton level, how far I can actually push myself. Looking forward to getting involved in making my life come to pass, dealing with challenges that will lead to getting somewhere. The Mayans? The Incas??
It is a fabulous concept, zero is. That is what makes math so wonderful, and truly a universal 'sound'. What is there not to get? Every human being gets it, math that is. I think that is something that is primal as well. But that is me.
Sitting here past my bedtime. It is 1:30 am, and I am just staring into the screen. It is as though I am unwilling to let this day go. No, I am more anxious for the next one to begin and I get to another day and get to the one after that.
As I get ready to sign off, I am checking out Jamie Lee Curtis and her grey hair. Looks super good on her, doesn't it? Later, y'all!
Writing simply to be writing something
MEDIA WATCH
Something that happened this past weekend has been on my mind. Perez Hilton sandbagged Miss California something terribly. I felt that she answered his question, with a lifetime of pressure (she didn't just start wanting to be in pageants ... I have a beauty queen, and can imagine how badly she wants to be a 'Miss Something or the other') she stood fast. With the climate changing, but in NO WAY a majority, she took a brave public stance.
What gave her grace, is that she stayed true to her beliefs. Now what of that crap quasi-celebrity punk move? If you saw me walking around with boxing gloves on, asking if you think boxing should be banned or not, what kind of answer are you going to give?
That is what A BLOGGER, not anyone who has shown the ability to be an arbiter of taste and talent, did. Ask a question that he had a predetermined answer to, in order to further an agenda.
And his agenda was to create something to advance his 'career'.
WHY LIBERALS ARE SOMETIMES SEEN AS 'PUNKS'
Or whiny. Or even worse. After the contest, Hilton felt good with calling her out of her name. Why? Because she gave you an HONEST ANSWER?
Hey, I don't agree with her, not at all. But if you are going to ask someone a question, then when they answer it, don't try to demean their answer. What got to me, is that this is the kind of thing that launches a career, or provides the motivation to over come a percieved obstacle.
Something like that has launch many a medicore politicans career. Compare the redoubtable Ms. Prejean to that of the Gov. Sarah Palin. Gonna go out on a limb, and say I think that Miss California is more intellectually capable and inquisitive than everyone's favourite lip-stick wearing pit bull.
BUT, we know she shares some of Gov. Palin's social beliefs. What else does she share with her regarding social policy, and why shouldn't a run for public office in her home state, be the springboard to national politics? It isn't out of the question, and she has the looks for sure.
FOLLOW ALONG
I keep seeing political candidates appearing like the cat in the book, 'The Dead Zone', or 'The Manchurian Candidate'. Someone who malleable and leads us into war (wait, didn't that already happen? where have I been for the past 9 or so years!), and agitates the social structure.
Me and AKA had a chat about politics when we went to the library (so I could properly footnote 'my' report) yesterday. The choices we have for mayor between Dave Bing and Ken Cockerel, leaves much to be desired. Read the article that Beth and Ken mentioned ... still don't see a lot for the Auto Industry to be what it has been for many years, a way for the average man to earn a good living. Not only that, I hope (read: already disappointed in) that President Obama will be proven to have been a good president by history. He not only seems to be anti-worker, he spoke too darn fast on Gitmo, I wonder about his fitness as a military leader, and pass me the syrup, cause I could swear I see waffles in his statement regarding CIA operatives and their tactics (though as for that, I understand why, I think!).
That is one of the things that made cobbling this stuff together a challenge. I didn't want him for President ... sure the person I wanted could have made the same decisions, but I doubt it.
THIS WAS CLOSER TO A RANT
Which is odd, because I am closer to feeling good than I am anything else. I bought a pair of Ferragamo's at the Salvation Army store in Royal Oak. They look pretty nice! Couldn't afford them, as it took the last bit of money from my pocket. But I got a super cool pair of shoes!! Ferragamo's y'all!!
Something that happened this past weekend has been on my mind. Perez Hilton sandbagged Miss California something terribly. I felt that she answered his question, with a lifetime of pressure (she didn't just start wanting to be in pageants ... I have a beauty queen, and can imagine how badly she wants to be a 'Miss Something or the other') she stood fast. With the climate changing, but in NO WAY a majority, she took a brave public stance.
What gave her grace, is that she stayed true to her beliefs. Now what of that crap quasi-celebrity punk move? If you saw me walking around with boxing gloves on, asking if you think boxing should be banned or not, what kind of answer are you going to give?
That is what A BLOGGER, not anyone who has shown the ability to be an arbiter of taste and talent, did. Ask a question that he had a predetermined answer to, in order to further an agenda.
And his agenda was to create something to advance his 'career'.
WHY LIBERALS ARE SOMETIMES SEEN AS 'PUNKS'
Or whiny. Or even worse. After the contest, Hilton felt good with calling her out of her name. Why? Because she gave you an HONEST ANSWER?
Hey, I don't agree with her, not at all. But if you are going to ask someone a question, then when they answer it, don't try to demean their answer. What got to me, is that this is the kind of thing that launches a career, or provides the motivation to over come a percieved obstacle.
Something like that has launch many a medicore politicans career. Compare the redoubtable Ms. Prejean to that of the Gov. Sarah Palin. Gonna go out on a limb, and say I think that Miss California is more intellectually capable and inquisitive than everyone's favourite lip-stick wearing pit bull.
BUT, we know she shares some of Gov. Palin's social beliefs. What else does she share with her regarding social policy, and why shouldn't a run for public office in her home state, be the springboard to national politics? It isn't out of the question, and she has the looks for sure.
FOLLOW ALONG
I keep seeing political candidates appearing like the cat in the book, 'The Dead Zone', or 'The Manchurian Candidate'. Someone who malleable and leads us into war (wait, didn't that already happen? where have I been for the past 9 or so years!), and agitates the social structure.
Me and AKA had a chat about politics when we went to the library (so I could properly footnote 'my' report) yesterday. The choices we have for mayor between Dave Bing and Ken Cockerel, leaves much to be desired. Read the article that Beth and Ken mentioned ... still don't see a lot for the Auto Industry to be what it has been for many years, a way for the average man to earn a good living. Not only that, I hope (read: already disappointed in) that President Obama will be proven to have been a good president by history. He not only seems to be anti-worker, he spoke too darn fast on Gitmo, I wonder about his fitness as a military leader, and pass me the syrup, cause I could swear I see waffles in his statement regarding CIA operatives and their tactics (though as for that, I understand why, I think!).
That is one of the things that made cobbling this stuff together a challenge. I didn't want him for President ... sure the person I wanted could have made the same decisions, but I doubt it.
THIS WAS CLOSER TO A RANT
Which is odd, because I am closer to feeling good than I am anything else. I bought a pair of Ferragamo's at the Salvation Army store in Royal Oak. They look pretty nice! Couldn't afford them, as it took the last bit of money from my pocket. But I got a super cool pair of shoes!! Ferragamo's y'all!!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Untitled
Every now and then, coming down off a sugar-induced buzz of a can of Grands cinnamon rolls and instant cappuccino from Hills Bros., all sorts of random stuff float through my mind. I keep imaging thatI am a captain who resembles Les Claypool on a clipper ship 'Sailing the Seas of Cheese'.
This is one of those moments. If I have to look over any more of my nephews' work ... wait, wait, can't go there. Of course I am. I am sitting here living thru junior year of high school. Good times!! I would not be surprised to have firmed up my decision to go to the service about now ... couldn't have been. But it was near, that is sure.
Could talk about the knockout that Randall Bailey scored a month or so ago over Frankie Rodriguez. Now, why would you THINK I am anywhere near tired of watching it? There was this club fighter, a cat named Jesse James Hughes from Alabama, fighting at 147. White kid, who fought several up and coming kids, who had a better pedigree and skills. But what they didn't have, the 'je ne sais quois' to their skill set, he did.
Fights were eerily similar, as he would get out boxed and fall behind, but in the 7th or 8th round, he would have tired his opponent out, and BAM! He'd lay them out. I liked how he operated.
BUT OF COURSE ...
... this isn't that entry. But man, that Bailey fight was awesome! The commentators called it perfectly, and if you followed along, you too, could see how the knockout developed.
Been taking breaks between 'homework' and popping out on here. There are a few folks out here that talk about the relationship aspects of their lives. As dreary as days were after Tee Jay, and trying to wait out My Delta Girl, I kept shrugging my shoulders and keeping on with the keep on.
The difference I feel between the two biggest loves of my life, is not perspective, but time. When I was younger, there was a little bit more arrogance to me. I didn't stop being in love with her, but like Gangstarr, I was so, 'Ex Girl to the Next Girl'. Tee Jay, with her uniqueness, and all that she brought to my experience, left a bigger mark on me.
I'd listen to this song, over and over. Partly because it was on several of my mix tapes that I would listen to when I was doing my roadwork. It did occur to me to record over them, but then the tapes would have be out of sync, and I would have to do the all over again. Anywho, I liked Interpol before this started to hurt, and wasn't going to stop diggin' them now that the music was sorta filling a spot.
The song isn't drenched in emotion. I think that it is the ultimate 'oh, it is IS like that' kind of song. Why else would anyone be surprised that 'you'd come around'. And I am sure that the implication that someone would be there when the other is down, is clear. But for me ...
EH, NOT SO MUCH
When the cat is 'coming around', I have to ask 'why' is he still coming around? Now, if I was doing my roadwork and paths crossed that connected us, that would be different. Some how we are in the same spot, a movie theatre say. The Star Theatre's at Southfield and Fairlane are distinct possibilities. And still, it would require a 'perfect storm' of coincidences for that to happen, that would lead to absolutely nothing.
For me, it is hard to care about someone who has by action indicated that they have moved on. I look at her initial response to my being back in town the same way that an art collector may look at a particular piece of art in their gallery. A classic car collector who passes by their 'bitchin' Camaro' from 1979. Fond memories may be stirred, but in no way are they indicative of what is to come. Between gas prices and the environmental harm, could you drive it in good conscious? And Renaissance art my be out of style, anyway!
I had always thought of trying to win back a former 'someone special' much like Mark Twain thought of golf as 'a good walk spoiled.' When I do go somewhere, I want to enjoy the ambiance of the moment. And this is where the challenge lies for me. What is there to miss about someone, who again, has indicated thru actions what value you have in their life? I mean, I much rather would have wanted to dine at Meriweather's up Telegraph than the 'Mongolian Barbecue'. We weren't on the same wavelegnth, and I don't know if I want to try to find her frequency ... as I am sure she is less than thrilled at having to find my frequency (or should I have said -ies, because I have more than a few!!).
Well, let me get back to my 'homework'. Sometimes finding the right frequency is a matter of 'Direction'.
This is one of those moments. If I have to look over any more of my nephews' work ... wait, wait, can't go there. Of course I am. I am sitting here living thru junior year of high school. Good times!! I would not be surprised to have firmed up my decision to go to the service about now ... couldn't have been. But it was near, that is sure.
Could talk about the knockout that Randall Bailey scored a month or so ago over Frankie Rodriguez. Now, why would you THINK I am anywhere near tired of watching it? There was this club fighter, a cat named Jesse James Hughes from Alabama, fighting at 147. White kid, who fought several up and coming kids, who had a better pedigree and skills. But what they didn't have, the 'je ne sais quois' to their skill set, he did.
Fights were eerily similar, as he would get out boxed and fall behind, but in the 7th or 8th round, he would have tired his opponent out, and BAM! He'd lay them out. I liked how he operated.
BUT OF COURSE ...
... this isn't that entry. But man, that Bailey fight was awesome! The commentators called it perfectly, and if you followed along, you too, could see how the knockout developed.
Been taking breaks between 'homework' and popping out on here. There are a few folks out here that talk about the relationship aspects of their lives. As dreary as days were after Tee Jay, and trying to wait out My Delta Girl, I kept shrugging my shoulders and keeping on with the keep on.
The difference I feel between the two biggest loves of my life, is not perspective, but time. When I was younger, there was a little bit more arrogance to me. I didn't stop being in love with her, but like Gangstarr, I was so, 'Ex Girl to the Next Girl'. Tee Jay, with her uniqueness, and all that she brought to my experience, left a bigger mark on me.
I'd listen to this song, over and over. Partly because it was on several of my mix tapes that I would listen to when I was doing my roadwork. It did occur to me to record over them, but then the tapes would have be out of sync, and I would have to do the all over again. Anywho, I liked Interpol before this started to hurt, and wasn't going to stop diggin' them now that the music was sorta filling a spot.
The song isn't drenched in emotion. I think that it is the ultimate 'oh, it is IS like that' kind of song. Why else would anyone be surprised that 'you'd come around'. And I am sure that the implication that someone would be there when the other is down, is clear. But for me ...
EH, NOT SO MUCH
When the cat is 'coming around', I have to ask 'why' is he still coming around? Now, if I was doing my roadwork and paths crossed that connected us, that would be different. Some how we are in the same spot, a movie theatre say. The Star Theatre's at Southfield and Fairlane are distinct possibilities. And still, it would require a 'perfect storm' of coincidences for that to happen, that would lead to absolutely nothing.
For me, it is hard to care about someone who has by action indicated that they have moved on. I look at her initial response to my being back in town the same way that an art collector may look at a particular piece of art in their gallery. A classic car collector who passes by their 'bitchin' Camaro' from 1979. Fond memories may be stirred, but in no way are they indicative of what is to come. Between gas prices and the environmental harm, could you drive it in good conscious? And Renaissance art my be out of style, anyway!
I had always thought of trying to win back a former 'someone special' much like Mark Twain thought of golf as 'a good walk spoiled.' When I do go somewhere, I want to enjoy the ambiance of the moment. And this is where the challenge lies for me. What is there to miss about someone, who again, has indicated thru actions what value you have in their life? I mean, I much rather would have wanted to dine at Meriweather's up Telegraph than the 'Mongolian Barbecue'. We weren't on the same wavelegnth, and I don't know if I want to try to find her frequency ... as I am sure she is less than thrilled at having to find my frequency (or should I have said -ies, because I have more than a few!!).
Well, let me get back to my 'homework'. Sometimes finding the right frequency is a matter of 'Direction'.
MORE UNCOMFORTABLE STUFF
LIVING AT HOME
*sigh*. I refer to my 'steps' in the 'first familial' tense. I don't have a 'step brother', I have a 'brother'. Same same with nieces and nephews.
This has always been a 'community' house, where the friends of family can come in and relax as much as possible. So my nephew's friends sometimes have been refered to as 'nephews' as well. Today's entry is about my actual nephew, as I have been typing up 'stuff' for him.
I know he wants to go to college. He is a junior at 'Whatchamacallit High' in Detroit. It is a 'new' school to me, as it didn't exist when I was part of the DPS. Anywho, I have helped his friends with their reports and what not, and the consensus was that my nephew is actually smarter than his companions.
Sitting here with these various reports of his to type, I am wondering like 'how'? Thinking about when me and lil' Mook would collaberate on homework, I am like WTF?!? How did my nephew get to the 11th grade, with these skills? I have seen his report card ... and trust me Alaina, my heart does bleed for the teachers, but WHO THE HELL GAVE HIM THESE FREAKIN' GRADES!!!
Okay ... maybe it is worse nowadays. I am mad, because THIS CRAP DOESN'T MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE THAT I AM READING!! It has been hard getting it done, because I have to fight the urge to tear this mess up, and do the freakin' work myself!
Because I do think that the public education environment is very dysfunctional, and the one here in Detroit is near collapse, I don't 'blame' the teachers, not directly. Yet, I have seen where teachers have demanded the MINIMUM from there students, and gotten themselves in trouble. I also have seen where they suffer from the stresses, but this crap that I am reading from my nephew is NOT what a 'B' student is supposed to be creating.
We have had conversations about the ACT/SAT and all that. Talked to him about colleges, where to go and getting a handle on finacial aid ... staying local as opposed to going out of town, out of state even.
But if THIS is any indication of what he is capable of ... I am wondering why did he get the grades that I SAW on his last report card?? This is SO NOT the work of that student, the one indicated by those grades.
Lil Mook as a seventh grader, did better work than this. KT as a eigth grader did too. I know, because I help the former, and saw it with the latter. The graduation rate here is running low, one report I heard on NPR had it at 25% of incoming freshemen will graduate from school here. Again, WTF!!
Then ... THEN, let's take a look at what is being produced. What are the actual GRADUATES able to do, when they get out of school? What kind of I would be leery to actually help my nephew much more, because for all this time, he has been intellectually coddled. I would not be surprised to type this stuff up, and have him get a 'B' on these papers.
I would scratch red ink on every page, right in the middle. Then I would grade it sa 'Inc.', and hand this mess back to him. I would tell him I will give him the rest of the week to go over this, and get something that he actually worked and made sense back to me.
Oh, and BTW, you better keep up with what we are doing NOW. This is real life, and because you are found slack, doesn't mean life is going to hold your spot.
See y'all when I see you.
*sigh*. I refer to my 'steps' in the 'first familial' tense. I don't have a 'step brother', I have a 'brother'. Same same with nieces and nephews.
This has always been a 'community' house, where the friends of family can come in and relax as much as possible. So my nephew's friends sometimes have been refered to as 'nephews' as well. Today's entry is about my actual nephew, as I have been typing up 'stuff' for him.
I know he wants to go to college. He is a junior at 'Whatchamacallit High' in Detroit. It is a 'new' school to me, as it didn't exist when I was part of the DPS. Anywho, I have helped his friends with their reports and what not, and the consensus was that my nephew is actually smarter than his companions.
Sitting here with these various reports of his to type, I am wondering like 'how'? Thinking about when me and lil' Mook would collaberate on homework, I am like WTF?!? How did my nephew get to the 11th grade, with these skills? I have seen his report card ... and trust me Alaina, my heart does bleed for the teachers, but WHO THE HELL GAVE HIM THESE FREAKIN' GRADES!!!
Okay ... maybe it is worse nowadays. I am mad, because THIS CRAP DOESN'T MAKE ANY FREAKING SENSE THAT I AM READING!! It has been hard getting it done, because I have to fight the urge to tear this mess up, and do the freakin' work myself!
Because I do think that the public education environment is very dysfunctional, and the one here in Detroit is near collapse, I don't 'blame' the teachers, not directly. Yet, I have seen where teachers have demanded the MINIMUM from there students, and gotten themselves in trouble. I also have seen where they suffer from the stresses, but this crap that I am reading from my nephew is NOT what a 'B' student is supposed to be creating.
We have had conversations about the ACT/SAT and all that. Talked to him about colleges, where to go and getting a handle on finacial aid ... staying local as opposed to going out of town, out of state even.
But if THIS is any indication of what he is capable of ... I am wondering why did he get the grades that I SAW on his last report card?? This is SO NOT the work of that student, the one indicated by those grades.
Lil Mook as a seventh grader, did better work than this. KT as a eigth grader did too. I know, because I help the former, and saw it with the latter. The graduation rate here is running low, one report I heard on NPR had it at 25% of incoming freshemen will graduate from school here. Again, WTF!!
Then ... THEN, let's take a look at what is being produced. What are the actual GRADUATES able to do, when they get out of school? What kind of I would be leery to actually help my nephew much more, because for all this time, he has been intellectually coddled. I would not be surprised to type this stuff up, and have him get a 'B' on these papers.
I would scratch red ink on every page, right in the middle. Then I would grade it sa 'Inc.', and hand this mess back to him. I would tell him I will give him the rest of the week to go over this, and get something that he actually worked and made sense back to me.
Oh, and BTW, you better keep up with what we are doing NOW. This is real life, and because you are found slack, doesn't mean life is going to hold your spot.
See y'all when I see you.
Monday, April 20, 2009
What DO you believe then?
THE FOOTBALL COACH AND THE LADY
We are going to see how this goes. I did take some notes from the re-air of 'This American Life' on Sunday. The theme, again was 'This I used to believe'. The segments all had the idea of long standing beliefs changing.
While the entire show was another well crafted program, the segment about 'faith', grabbed a hold of me. I want to see if anyone else can help me understand what I am talking about ... would be appreciated!
Cause right now, all I am doing is 'feeling'.
One of the problems I have, is not knowing the ladies background. I hate to assume that she is well off, or at the very least, someone who is of the neighborhood of 'safe and stable homes', but that is the assumption I am going to roll with.
Her faith was shaken, when her friend passed away. So I want to ask her, if she was devout in her faith before her friends TRIAL, let alone passing. That is something I really wonder, whenever I happen upon people like this. She couldn't get the answer she wanted from the football coach, but she did say she got an answer.
The host, who calls himself an atheist, spoke on the coaches 'simple' vision, at being mollified by the knowledge that there are things he will never know, questions that he won't find answers to, but it was all right (right Beth??), because 'God knows' (my words, not anyone else). That kind of bothered me.
My Mom got a GED. But when her nine year old son had questions about faith that she couldn't answer, she did what she thought was best. Got some books that was WAY over our intellect, and tried to figure them out with him. I mention this, because it contrasts the high school football coach, who prolly went to college and had to have had a couple of three deep thinking courses to graduate.
So I would ask the smart lady, and the smart radio show host, how do they reconcile all of this? I mean, we read C.S. Lewis and Thomas Milton. That was when I read Dante and his 'Divine Comedy'. If religion is for the simple, then why are not all simple people religious?
THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES
Maybe it is. So are cigarettes, liquor and sugar. Television, inane pop music, and sports. You could go on and on, what occupies the minds of the simple, the common, the minds of 'folk'. And that is how the 'enlightened' think of those who walk in the bramble patch of religion, as someone who has become addicted to a system of contradictions, that leave them as empty and unknowing as those they are trying to reach out and save from an eternity of darkness.
So they smirk. And that bothers me. Because when you ask them what do they believe, they throw out some ten dollar words that someone else told them that they heard in some hazy bar or in a basement apartment.
But as far as being able to make a personal identification to their 'belief' or ' will ful non-belief' (which, thanks to Stephen King, is a working definition of 'Desperation'), that irks me. If being faithful is the way of dull witted and simple, then what is the way of not believing?
NOT IN YOUR PAY GRADE
When I think back on my 'General Orders', I find myself reciting the first one, ' I will guard everything within the limits of my post, and only quit my post when properly relieved.' I think that is something that is to be expect of each and every single one of us. We are going to live our lives to the fullest, and give that 'unforgiving minute' everything we have.
The lady was wondering about how unfair it was that her friend, who was such a good, sweet and thoughtful person, was taken with so much yet to give, and she was still here. That caught me, because when my Mother moved on, I knew at that moment, that there was no more for her to give here on this plane. It wasn't mine to ask 'why', but if I thought she left with more on her card, then I should try to pick some of it up. And I did my best to do what I thought was what she wanted.
My Mom was what, 55 when she left. Old enough to see some grand children, but young enough to not to have really enjoyed being a Grandmother. I may not have wanted it to happen, but the asking of 'why' is for the dark nights of the soul.
My darling, darling (oh my goodness ... he was SUCH a sweet person!!) brother was only 34 when he got his orders. His race ran, when the moment came to ask 'why' ... I couldn't.
"SO I GUESS THE HERO STUFF IS UP TO ME"
Borrowed that from 'Captain Stupendous'. Cool, cool cat, the Captain was. If there was one thing that I knew, well, what I knew is between me and the people I shared it with. But I got it done.
I sort of guess, my issue with the smart cat show host and the lady is that if you don't believe in something, what do you believe? I mean, they would likely expound on some drivel that they my 'repeat' but I don't think that they 'know'. They dismiss the faithful as 'ignorant', and I have a thing about objectification of groups in negative terms. Yeah, I know that the faithful have their moments, but this isn't about that, I don't think.
I think that it is just about me.
Sometimes, I get nervy about things. I remember when I first started to ice skate, and cracking my butt on the ice. I remember the first time I began to repel and I can remember going down when the PSL 'Game of the Week' was a night game at ML King High, and just goofing of on what is reportedly the 'wrong side' of a bad town.
Yet through it all, I had a faith that whatever it was, it wasn't going to happen to me. And that whatever I have for my 'minute' I was either going to be allowed to run, or I wouldn't. That is prolly why I would annoy my ex-wife, saying things like, "Oh, I know that kind of stuff happens to OTHER people, but that isn't supposed to happen to me!" She'd get so mad!! Good friggin' times!
I would say that, because it wasn't up to her what happened, In fact, I didn't think it was up to 'me' as much as we are all vessels. I think 'non-belief' is the act of cowards, those who would quake beneath the responsibility of having faith, of believing in SOMETHING.
Belief, demands accountability. It is something that makes one responsible to something bigger and beyond oneself. To 'opt out' of faith because it is too hard is something I find kind of confusing. Do you think spritual faith is right or do you think it is wrong? Then say why. Two degrees.
At the end of the segment, the lady said she was open to finding out more. Eh, okay. I think that it was the presumption of the simple mindedness of the faithful that got to me. I have never thought it was simple, just as atheism and agnosticism (and I still check that box) is any more complicated. There is definitely a profound courage to remain faithful, despite everything. And when you short shrift the faithful as intellectually inferior, it will irk me.
Well. Back to reg'lar heathen stuff next time!!
We are going to see how this goes. I did take some notes from the re-air of 'This American Life' on Sunday. The theme, again was 'This I used to believe'. The segments all had the idea of long standing beliefs changing.
While the entire show was another well crafted program, the segment about 'faith', grabbed a hold of me. I want to see if anyone else can help me understand what I am talking about ... would be appreciated!
Cause right now, all I am doing is 'feeling'.
One of the problems I have, is not knowing the ladies background. I hate to assume that she is well off, or at the very least, someone who is of the neighborhood of 'safe and stable homes', but that is the assumption I am going to roll with.
Her faith was shaken, when her friend passed away. So I want to ask her, if she was devout in her faith before her friends TRIAL, let alone passing. That is something I really wonder, whenever I happen upon people like this. She couldn't get the answer she wanted from the football coach, but she did say she got an answer.
The host, who calls himself an atheist, spoke on the coaches 'simple' vision, at being mollified by the knowledge that there are things he will never know, questions that he won't find answers to, but it was all right (right Beth??), because 'God knows' (my words, not anyone else). That kind of bothered me.
My Mom got a GED. But when her nine year old son had questions about faith that she couldn't answer, she did what she thought was best. Got some books that was WAY over our intellect, and tried to figure them out with him. I mention this, because it contrasts the high school football coach, who prolly went to college and had to have had a couple of three deep thinking courses to graduate.
So I would ask the smart lady, and the smart radio show host, how do they reconcile all of this? I mean, we read C.S. Lewis and Thomas Milton. That was when I read Dante and his 'Divine Comedy'. If religion is for the simple, then why are not all simple people religious?
THE OPIATE OF THE MASSES
Maybe it is. So are cigarettes, liquor and sugar. Television, inane pop music, and sports. You could go on and on, what occupies the minds of the simple, the common, the minds of 'folk'. And that is how the 'enlightened' think of those who walk in the bramble patch of religion, as someone who has become addicted to a system of contradictions, that leave them as empty and unknowing as those they are trying to reach out and save from an eternity of darkness.
So they smirk. And that bothers me. Because when you ask them what do they believe, they throw out some ten dollar words that someone else told them that they heard in some hazy bar or in a basement apartment.
But as far as being able to make a personal identification to their 'belief' or ' will ful non-belief' (which, thanks to Stephen King, is a working definition of 'Desperation'), that irks me. If being faithful is the way of dull witted and simple, then what is the way of not believing?
NOT IN YOUR PAY GRADE
When I think back on my 'General Orders', I find myself reciting the first one, ' I will guard everything within the limits of my post, and only quit my post when properly relieved.' I think that is something that is to be expect of each and every single one of us. We are going to live our lives to the fullest, and give that 'unforgiving minute' everything we have.
The lady was wondering about how unfair it was that her friend, who was such a good, sweet and thoughtful person, was taken with so much yet to give, and she was still here. That caught me, because when my Mother moved on, I knew at that moment, that there was no more for her to give here on this plane. It wasn't mine to ask 'why', but if I thought she left with more on her card, then I should try to pick some of it up. And I did my best to do what I thought was what she wanted.
My Mom was what, 55 when she left. Old enough to see some grand children, but young enough to not to have really enjoyed being a Grandmother. I may not have wanted it to happen, but the asking of 'why' is for the dark nights of the soul.
My darling, darling (oh my goodness ... he was SUCH a sweet person!!) brother was only 34 when he got his orders. His race ran, when the moment came to ask 'why' ... I couldn't.
"SO I GUESS THE HERO STUFF IS UP TO ME"
Borrowed that from 'Captain Stupendous'. Cool, cool cat, the Captain was. If there was one thing that I knew, well, what I knew is between me and the people I shared it with. But I got it done.
I sort of guess, my issue with the smart cat show host and the lady is that if you don't believe in something, what do you believe? I mean, they would likely expound on some drivel that they my 'repeat' but I don't think that they 'know'. They dismiss the faithful as 'ignorant', and I have a thing about objectification of groups in negative terms. Yeah, I know that the faithful have their moments, but this isn't about that, I don't think.
I think that it is just about me.
Sometimes, I get nervy about things. I remember when I first started to ice skate, and cracking my butt on the ice. I remember the first time I began to repel and I can remember going down when the PSL 'Game of the Week' was a night game at ML King High, and just goofing of on what is reportedly the 'wrong side' of a bad town.
Yet through it all, I had a faith that whatever it was, it wasn't going to happen to me. And that whatever I have for my 'minute' I was either going to be allowed to run, or I wouldn't. That is prolly why I would annoy my ex-wife, saying things like, "Oh, I know that kind of stuff happens to OTHER people, but that isn't supposed to happen to me!" She'd get so mad!! Good friggin' times!
I would say that, because it wasn't up to her what happened, In fact, I didn't think it was up to 'me' as much as we are all vessels. I think 'non-belief' is the act of cowards, those who would quake beneath the responsibility of having faith, of believing in SOMETHING.
Belief, demands accountability. It is something that makes one responsible to something bigger and beyond oneself. To 'opt out' of faith because it is too hard is something I find kind of confusing. Do you think spritual faith is right or do you think it is wrong? Then say why. Two degrees.
At the end of the segment, the lady said she was open to finding out more. Eh, okay. I think that it was the presumption of the simple mindedness of the faithful that got to me. I have never thought it was simple, just as atheism and agnosticism (and I still check that box) is any more complicated. There is definitely a profound courage to remain faithful, despite everything. And when you short shrift the faithful as intellectually inferior, it will irk me.
Well. Back to reg'lar heathen stuff next time!!
Saturday, April 18, 2009
BUTTERFINGER CREME PIE BUZZ SATURDAY!!
MEDIA WATCH
The last few Super Bowl games have been very well played. The last one between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals was case in point. The replay was on NFL Network tonight. It wasn't just that it was close and came down to the very end. But the people who made many of the biggest plays, were the best players on their teams.
A lot of times, when it comes to showdowns like this, the better players get covered up by the 'schemes' and preparation on the other side. Not so much in this game. The Steelers better players simply made a few more plays than the Arizona players. Made for riveting theatre.
'Frost - Nixon' was a very good movie. There was a reference made to a 'big fight' kind of deal, and it was very much that. Don't want to spoil it, but there was a scene describing one of the maneuvers being like what happens in a big fight where the underdog lands a big punch in the first round, but unlike in other fights, nothing happens. Then the champ comes back with HIS punches.
The 'would-be' (w-o-o-d, I'm a wood beez, wood beez, b-e-e-z!) champ realizes that not only would the fight not be easy, but harder than even imagined, and that he was WAY in over his head. Very good movie, and you get to make even MORE 'degrees with Kevin Bacon'. One of the things that always bothered me about that game, is that Kevin Bacon is a fine actor. 'Footloose' to 'Murder In The First' and even 'Tremors' were good performances. He is a top notch actor.
This week's 'This American Life' had a touching segment on faith. I aim to listen to it again when it is replayed tomorrow and take notes. The entire show is another worthwhile hour spent being engaged. But the 'faith' part, which wasn't a full profile story, was very good.
The story was about a young woman, who was moved by the story of a high school football coach. I am guessing that his team was playing a team from an 'alternative program', kids who were in all kinds of trouble, but struggling with trying to get things on track. Their parents and loved ones, rarely if ever, attended their games.
The coach instructed the parents for his team to cheer for the alt. kids, going as far to giving the parents their names to call out. The alt. kids felt the love, and it made their experience. The story was so touching, that this young woman sent the coach an email. Seems her faith had eroded to agnosticism (unlike mine, which was is more organically formed scratch). She had lost a loved one to a disease, cancer I want to say. But enough faith was in her to reach out to this coach.
It was the start of a dialogue, that I will prolly pick up on later on. I am sleepy and WAY past my bedtime!! But I want to continue on with this, because it ties in to some things in my life.
The last few Super Bowl games have been very well played. The last one between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals was case in point. The replay was on NFL Network tonight. It wasn't just that it was close and came down to the very end. But the people who made many of the biggest plays, were the best players on their teams.
A lot of times, when it comes to showdowns like this, the better players get covered up by the 'schemes' and preparation on the other side. Not so much in this game. The Steelers better players simply made a few more plays than the Arizona players. Made for riveting theatre.
'Frost - Nixon' was a very good movie. There was a reference made to a 'big fight' kind of deal, and it was very much that. Don't want to spoil it, but there was a scene describing one of the maneuvers being like what happens in a big fight where the underdog lands a big punch in the first round, but unlike in other fights, nothing happens. Then the champ comes back with HIS punches.
The 'would-be' (w-o-o-d, I'm a wood beez, wood beez, b-e-e-z!) champ realizes that not only would the fight not be easy, but harder than even imagined, and that he was WAY in over his head. Very good movie, and you get to make even MORE 'degrees with Kevin Bacon'. One of the things that always bothered me about that game, is that Kevin Bacon is a fine actor. 'Footloose' to 'Murder In The First' and even 'Tremors' were good performances. He is a top notch actor.
This week's 'This American Life' had a touching segment on faith. I aim to listen to it again when it is replayed tomorrow and take notes. The entire show is another worthwhile hour spent being engaged. But the 'faith' part, which wasn't a full profile story, was very good.
The story was about a young woman, who was moved by the story of a high school football coach. I am guessing that his team was playing a team from an 'alternative program', kids who were in all kinds of trouble, but struggling with trying to get things on track. Their parents and loved ones, rarely if ever, attended their games.
The coach instructed the parents for his team to cheer for the alt. kids, going as far to giving the parents their names to call out. The alt. kids felt the love, and it made their experience. The story was so touching, that this young woman sent the coach an email. Seems her faith had eroded to agnosticism (unlike mine, which was is more organically formed scratch). She had lost a loved one to a disease, cancer I want to say. But enough faith was in her to reach out to this coach.
It was the start of a dialogue, that I will prolly pick up on later on. I am sleepy and WAY past my bedtime!! But I want to continue on with this, because it ties in to some things in my life.
RANDOM THOUGHTS
BUT IT ISN'T GOING TO MAKE MUCH DIFFERENCEThe Kreativ Blogger award has been slow in getting up and out on here. I have no idea of how to put it in my everyday blog, like how others have stuff up. I would like to show it, to let folks know that SOMEONE thought I was 'kreativ!
Thanks DB!
Hung out with yours and mine favourite sorority (wait, second ... no, third ... would you believe top ten? okay, twenty??) girl, AKA. She lured me out of the house with a trip to Royal Oak ... she wanted to do Birmingham, but I didn't want to have anyone with their noses in the air running into me on the sidewalk. When she saw that wasn't working, she mentioned 'Astoria' and while my mind said 'no', my stomach would not hear of it!!
Walked around a bit. Sometimes, she acts with a pretentiousness that I can smell on her, and I did not feel up to dealing with. But she is a nice girl, and had taken me to my doctor's appt., so I figured the least I could do is hang out with her. We had a nice time together, which doesn't surprise me. I was still 'sparking' from seeing the babies, my Army Sis and my Best Sis. Army flew from Kansas to Chi-town, and they drove over. Seems she had some stuff to do before she could leave the country, and dealing with the F.O.C, she also knew she had to hand-carry it, to insure it would be processed.
AKA pulled up while they were here, and she took pictures. Once I get them, I will post the up. While she stood as a fly on the wall, she got to hear about our plans ... Army to Korea, Best Sis, to either the Atl or Carolina, and me and mine, to Nebraska.
We were all giddy, and it made me glow to see the babies laughing again. My heart still tremors at the sight. Anywho, that leads us to today, and she wanted to hang around me like dog tags once did around my neck.
DID YOU KNOW ..?
I was once licensed to drive a two and-a-half ton truck? Even drove a REAL Humvee?
Not too often do I sit and natter about the things I have done, what I have accomplished. For me, it was a matter of course, and one reason that it took me a week to even put out that kreative blogger sign. Not just that I don't know how to put it up, permanently, but I don't like to claim anything. You tell me, and if you are right, then we go on. I already know what I am, so no worries.
Were someone to give me directions on how to put that sign up, so it can be seen by folks passing thru here, I would appreciated. Now, I can tell you not only 'what' isn't going to make a difference, but 'why'.
SHE KNOWS, SHE REALLY KNOWS ...
I could list flaws in AKA, and say 'see, that is why', but that would be cheap from me. If they show a problem with her, why is she still around? And believe you me, I have asked her myself ... not about her issues, but her issues of perception and how they reflect upon me.
Like Michelle N'dechello sang ... 'call me what you like ...', but I have tended to only answer to Mark. Been 'honey' and 'sweetie', a few times. But other than a term of endearment, if you ain't sayin' 'Mark', then you must not be talking to me. This isn't to say that I don't realize what I look like to some at first glance. But like the Milenium Falcon, if I get a chance to show what I can do, I may suprass your expectations.
Meeting AKA, getting to know her in the 'early rounds', I came away from her with this-- she is 'slummin' and isn't interested in me as anything more than a 'short term answer for a long time problem'. Fine, and I let her hang on the outskirts of my life. I figured she'd grow ill of me, my baggage, my strange ways. But I would find, not unlike Zero Mostel as he left for the forum, she would shadow my steps.
We have NEVER been boyfriend and girlfriend. In fact, the subject has come up so infrequent in our knowing of one another, that you can say we don't talk about it. My problem with 'her looking at me', is not only did she talk an image and display a certain stuck up style, she ran her mouth about, let's get to it, men with children by different women.
When I have faced this hurdle, I explain my situations and ask them what did they want to do? See, only volunteers for this tour, and I never put a charm school offensive on someone, or try to make it out to be anything other than what it is. At the time, she could see the issues that I had with Skye and her Mom, and the thing is, when it came to KT and Lexxie, we were going to do our thing.
So when I heard it from her lips on what she thinks about 'that', I figured we could be nothing more than friends, occasional bunk buddies (which I think I have mentioned before, was as fun as a tooth extraction). And that wasn't what I was looking for.
Not going to lie and say we didn't hang out or anything. There was always a distance I kept from her though. When I would have Skye, it was me and Skye, not me, Skye and 'daddy's friend'. Since I have been home though, things have changed for her. Don't ask me what, all I have for you is this, a stereotype for you.
YOU AIN'T GETTIN YOUNGER, YOU'RE JUST GETTING OLDER
Honestly, I think she only has thismuch more experience in relationships than Susan Boyle, the sensation from 'Britain's Got Talent'. Why? She has more issues than a few. Several of them are of the 'stop, do not pass' go variety. Meeting her family only CONFIRMED them.
Yup. You got it, I am saying 'Miss Stuck up' doesn't meet MY standards. Perhaps I will get into what ARE my standards ... but not here. Would rather let friends know that I think she clings to me, because I was the last cat to treat her like a whole woman, and not make her feel selfconscious about herself, of rag on her for whatever causes her insecurities and problems.
I don't have her strung along on anything. I have explained to her about why I am going to do what I am going to do, and she has been on the pre-Mookie and the post-Mookie side of my life, had it confirmed that I will pick up and go where I set my heart by family. And you know what it got me, letting her know some of what's what ..?
HER DAD DID A TOUR AT A AIR BASE IN SPAIN
Honestly, I worry that I have been chatting up stuff too much. If you are going to do something, you are going to do it! I have been trading emails with this cat I know who now live in Barcelona. I think in the pre-Mookie life, AKA got to meet him. Anywho, her Pops is retired Air Force, and was stationed in Spain.
One day, she saw me with some info on getting my benefits while overseas. She asked about it, and I told her. A few weeks later, she started talking about the soccer team in Barcelona, and other things that were relevant from her knowledge of Spain ...
... then another day, she visited and saw my stuff on Nebraska. Then, she made a joke about having a farm in ... so you see where I am going with this. Because I see where SHE is going with this.
Can't and shouldn't. Shouldn't and can't. And since there isn't much between them, there isn't enough to make a difference in how I feel about her.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
THEORY AND PRACTICE #3
INTRO: the 'O'DARK- THRITY EDITION
Whoa!! Reading over my last entry and all the errors I made, I am thinking I need a good copy editor! Usually, I write down like a 'sketch' of what is on my mind, then fill it out as I go, so I don't lose track. Nebraska recently returned several lines from emails that were 'chin over feet' thoughts, and didn't make clear what I was trying to say.
My last entry was so totally like that.
Sometimes, I have thoughts that get recycled for whatever reason ... maybe I am still not being clear with myself, or because it may be something important enough to be said again. That is how it is with this 'ex-List' thing.
I am really wondering how far I am supposed to go with this, you see. I give what me and the Mook's had a 'B' ... still, the whole 'backward to go forward' thing had never been one that I could really ever embrace. The only reason I had considered it, was because of the 'leave no stone unturned' part of the whole deal. That, and I still was in love (or so the Germans would have you believe!) with Tee Jay.
So, how far AM I to go with this thing?
Reading and hearing about how other folks have dealt with this kind of thing ... I am like why did I NEVER feel like that about ANYONE? I mean, I say things about Tee Jay, Delta, hell, I still like Pecan Sandie, but as far are FEEL, and I mean really FEEL for the relationship ...
What I feel is more like a guilt, a guilt for NOT being at wit's end, not crying over someone, and not sitting outside of their house at 3 a.m. waiting for 'the new what's happening cat' to get into his car and go home ...
... like has been done trying to get me to come back.
One of the things that I have learned from my second try with Mookie, is that I have never done things like that, because I did all that crap when it counted, when we were still IN the relationship. I have stopped boxing, took classes for a major that I wasn't sold on, moved to a place I really could have SO NOT HAVE moved to ... made the big sacrifice while I was still WITH the person, so when the sand ran out of the hourglass, that was it. The sand had ran out.
That is why 'Dobie Gillis' made more sense to me than 'Georgie Porgie'. I would leave just as spent as whoever the other person was. It was just that I spent mine in the store, not when the shop was closed.
Stopped objectifying women, no more 'conquests' and stopped thinking of them as 'points scored'. None of that '4 and 5 wide sets' and playing the 'vertical game to a horizontal score.' I went ahead and forgave myself for acting against what I really wanted, and began to pursue the kind of relationship I desired.
And it was with Tee Jay that I took that model out for a drive, with.
HE CAUGHT THE HIGH SIGN SO HE JUMPED A BUS
My sister Jan, has ragged on the Motor for quite awhile. When I would speak with the babies, I told them that she was simply mad because she wasn't as smart or pretty as she thought she was! Our Mom loved the Motor, and voted for Coleman Young, no matter how crappy an old fart he was, and prolly would have voted his remains in office, if they ran for one!
I have never liked it when someone from 'the D' ragged on where they were from, like they were somehow 'immune' from whatever you catch in Detroit. Trust me, when it came down to boosting their 'away rep', they didn't mind claiming Detroit!! I know I have ran into folks who bail that 'I down with Motown' crap, only to discover they are from 'Flat Rock' and 'Mt. Pleasant'. No darlin', though I went to Bow Elementary, and then Taft Jr. High ... there ain't NOTHING Detroit about where you are from!
Anywho, back to me 'n my Ma (now THAT is what we called her!), she only encouraged me to look at maps and spin the globe we had and ask about places that I wanted to go and see when grew up ...
... and from that childhood list, I have the South Pacific and the Yukon Territories left. Checked off the 4077th (Camp Humphrey's in real life), seen Remagen (from 'A Bridge Too Far') and even the Raleigh of Norm Sloan and the NC State Wolfpack (one of Pecan Sandie's schools), where David 'The Skywalker' Thompson played ... for that matter, been to the prep school that Charlie Scott went to!
Anywho, would not mind finding a way to the Great American Southwest again ... just dipped my toe in that water. Same with seeing Matlick's 'Badlands' and Big Sky country. Can say I was there. Perhaps I have seen what I am 'posed to see. Maybe, maybe not. But I am sure that I should be doing all that I can to go to Nebraska, that much is certain.
I have told myself that I have been on the cusp of breaking through to that 'place' in life that I am chasing. My past, is mine, and I know I am cool with it. Time to go forward.
It is ALWAYS time to go forward, which is why though I would not be adverse to 'pitching woo' for Tee Jay, it so goes against my nature. I'd like to, but I don't really want to do it. And indecision is as good as a 'no', in my book. Despite secretly pining for her over the years, now with only a few miles separating us, she seems further away than ever.
To me, to try to win her back and remain here, is taking a bigger chance to going somewhere that I only have a fragile support system in place to receive me. Because the song where I borrowed the header from, the one song that I 'play' when I take to planning to get gone from somewhere, 'Call of the West', has another line, one that truly defines how I feel. Something that has been a part of me since I was a little boy ... 'What he left behind he hadn't valued, half as much as some things he never knew'.
The wisdom in those lyrics ... in me since I was really a little boy, and only made into a thought thanks to Stan Ridgway and friends when I was a teen ... has kept me looking forward to what ever was new, and not behind me to whatever remained.
So when my stomach wants to call her, I tell myself, "Okay, you can call next week, if you can plan a date with her". And since most of what I would like to do, or go see would make her cock her eyebrow (though as far as when we were together, she did make an effort to give it a college try, as far as enjoying herself went), I ask myself, "Really, dude? You want to take away from other things to have someone do that? That is SOOO high school!"
And I don't call her. Might have a break down, a perfect storm of calling and acceptance, but I think that after June, it will be too late. I KNOW I have no desire to be a part of any ghetto cookouts and any events at Belle Isle or stuck in traffic Downtown. Don't want to deal with the 'whatever' when I explain how big it is to see Willie Nelson at the Hoedown this year.
Not only is it that she doesn't want to 'do this', I am so like, 'f*ck that'!
The warm weather is going to make time fly by ... if for no other reason I will be able to ride my bike out until YOU get tired! Gotta get set for my 'away trips' as well.
Still doing my training stuff as well. The only tips I have for right now, is keep at it, 30-40 mins of walking or jogging each day, and do some calisthenics if you don't have weights. Get an stability ball, some resistance bands, and one of those light dumbbell sets, and go to work on the only body you know you will have!
See y'all later (unless I see you first!!)
Whoa!! Reading over my last entry and all the errors I made, I am thinking I need a good copy editor! Usually, I write down like a 'sketch' of what is on my mind, then fill it out as I go, so I don't lose track. Nebraska recently returned several lines from emails that were 'chin over feet' thoughts, and didn't make clear what I was trying to say.
My last entry was so totally like that.
Sometimes, I have thoughts that get recycled for whatever reason ... maybe I am still not being clear with myself, or because it may be something important enough to be said again. That is how it is with this 'ex-List' thing.
I am really wondering how far I am supposed to go with this, you see. I give what me and the Mook's had a 'B' ... still, the whole 'backward to go forward' thing had never been one that I could really ever embrace. The only reason I had considered it, was because of the 'leave no stone unturned' part of the whole deal. That, and I still was in love (or so the Germans would have you believe!) with Tee Jay.
So, how far AM I to go with this thing?
Reading and hearing about how other folks have dealt with this kind of thing ... I am like why did I NEVER feel like that about ANYONE? I mean, I say things about Tee Jay, Delta, hell, I still like Pecan Sandie, but as far are FEEL, and I mean really FEEL for the relationship ...
What I feel is more like a guilt, a guilt for NOT being at wit's end, not crying over someone, and not sitting outside of their house at 3 a.m. waiting for 'the new what's happening cat' to get into his car and go home ...
... like has been done trying to get me to come back.
One of the things that I have learned from my second try with Mookie, is that I have never done things like that, because I did all that crap when it counted, when we were still IN the relationship. I have stopped boxing, took classes for a major that I wasn't sold on, moved to a place I really could have SO NOT HAVE moved to ... made the big sacrifice while I was still WITH the person, so when the sand ran out of the hourglass, that was it. The sand had ran out.
That is why 'Dobie Gillis' made more sense to me than 'Georgie Porgie'. I would leave just as spent as whoever the other person was. It was just that I spent mine in the store, not when the shop was closed.
Stopped objectifying women, no more 'conquests' and stopped thinking of them as 'points scored'. None of that '4 and 5 wide sets' and playing the 'vertical game to a horizontal score.' I went ahead and forgave myself for acting against what I really wanted, and began to pursue the kind of relationship I desired.
And it was with Tee Jay that I took that model out for a drive, with.
HE CAUGHT THE HIGH SIGN SO HE JUMPED A BUS
My sister Jan, has ragged on the Motor for quite awhile. When I would speak with the babies, I told them that she was simply mad because she wasn't as smart or pretty as she thought she was! Our Mom loved the Motor, and voted for Coleman Young, no matter how crappy an old fart he was, and prolly would have voted his remains in office, if they ran for one!
I have never liked it when someone from 'the D' ragged on where they were from, like they were somehow 'immune' from whatever you catch in Detroit. Trust me, when it came down to boosting their 'away rep', they didn't mind claiming Detroit!! I know I have ran into folks who bail that 'I down with Motown' crap, only to discover they are from 'Flat Rock' and 'Mt. Pleasant'. No darlin', though I went to Bow Elementary, and then Taft Jr. High ... there ain't NOTHING Detroit about where you are from!
Anywho, back to me 'n my Ma (now THAT is what we called her!), she only encouraged me to look at maps and spin the globe we had and ask about places that I wanted to go and see when grew up ...
... and from that childhood list, I have the South Pacific and the Yukon Territories left. Checked off the 4077th (Camp Humphrey's in real life), seen Remagen (from 'A Bridge Too Far') and even the Raleigh of Norm Sloan and the NC State Wolfpack (one of Pecan Sandie's schools), where David 'The Skywalker' Thompson played ... for that matter, been to the prep school that Charlie Scott went to!
Anywho, would not mind finding a way to the Great American Southwest again ... just dipped my toe in that water. Same with seeing Matlick's 'Badlands' and Big Sky country. Can say I was there. Perhaps I have seen what I am 'posed to see. Maybe, maybe not. But I am sure that I should be doing all that I can to go to Nebraska, that much is certain.
I have told myself that I have been on the cusp of breaking through to that 'place' in life that I am chasing. My past, is mine, and I know I am cool with it. Time to go forward.
It is ALWAYS time to go forward, which is why though I would not be adverse to 'pitching woo' for Tee Jay, it so goes against my nature. I'd like to, but I don't really want to do it. And indecision is as good as a 'no', in my book. Despite secretly pining for her over the years, now with only a few miles separating us, she seems further away than ever.
To me, to try to win her back and remain here, is taking a bigger chance to going somewhere that I only have a fragile support system in place to receive me. Because the song where I borrowed the header from, the one song that I 'play' when I take to planning to get gone from somewhere, 'Call of the West', has another line, one that truly defines how I feel. Something that has been a part of me since I was a little boy ... 'What he left behind he hadn't valued, half as much as some things he never knew'.
The wisdom in those lyrics ... in me since I was really a little boy, and only made into a thought thanks to Stan Ridgway and friends when I was a teen ... has kept me looking forward to what ever was new, and not behind me to whatever remained.
So when my stomach wants to call her, I tell myself, "Okay, you can call next week, if you can plan a date with her". And since most of what I would like to do, or go see would make her cock her eyebrow (though as far as when we were together, she did make an effort to give it a college try, as far as enjoying herself went), I ask myself, "Really, dude? You want to take away from other things to have someone do that? That is SOOO high school!"
And I don't call her. Might have a break down, a perfect storm of calling and acceptance, but I think that after June, it will be too late. I KNOW I have no desire to be a part of any ghetto cookouts and any events at Belle Isle or stuck in traffic Downtown. Don't want to deal with the 'whatever' when I explain how big it is to see Willie Nelson at the Hoedown this year.
Not only is it that she doesn't want to 'do this', I am so like, 'f*ck that'!
The warm weather is going to make time fly by ... if for no other reason I will be able to ride my bike out until YOU get tired! Gotta get set for my 'away trips' as well.
Still doing my training stuff as well. The only tips I have for right now, is keep at it, 30-40 mins of walking or jogging each day, and do some calisthenics if you don't have weights. Get an stability ball, some resistance bands, and one of those light dumbbell sets, and go to work on the only body you know you will have!
See y'all later (unless I see you first!!)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
THEORY AND PRACTICE #2
DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME OUT, DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME OUT
As everyone can say how bad an idea it is to try to date someone from their past, I will keep repeating that I know, I know. Mookie was the first time, and I STILL think it is a good idea, is some respects. It is no longer a 'good idea' from in an actionable sense, because the whole thing runs against my nature, runs against life.
Similar to 'Sex Toy Dave', but without all the finacial glory, I sort of 'transformed' when I came home from the service. From a 'dud' to a 'stud' (I guess ... not that I think that I am hot but ...), I found that ... no, not like 'Dave', but more like a braver Roger Wolowitz from 'Big Bang Theory'. I wasn't scared to talk to someone, no matter how pretty that I thought they were. And I 'knew' what I liked (which is for another discussion) and felt comfortable stepping to whoever it is I wanted.
When my relationship with Pecan Sandie was over, I took at least a full calendar year off. Something was wrong, because though it wasn't perfect, it was certainly doable, the idea that we stay together forever and ever.
So it occured to me that I wasn't willing to push myself as far as it took to make a relationship work. After all, if we didn't make it the distance, what was it that I was doing that caused things to fail?
Meeting Tee Jay was something that was 'kismet'. We both had enough experience to know what we were trying to achieve, and both wanted something different from what we were previously involved in. For me, I decided to go a little more 'urban', and for her, I guess it was my 'eclectic' way (her word, not mine) of approaching her that she wanted to take for a ride. And for around 4 years, it was working. We had some issues with 'stuff', cause Pecan Sandie wasn't quite ready to let go as she had seemed when we were face to face. The time and distance had made her reconsider things, I guess. And Tee Jay had a 'fan club' of her own that had to be dealt with.
And now, the closest I have ever come to putting the blame of my failing on someone else ... when my Mom moved on, I came a little unhinged. Different reasons, too many to actually go into here, but I did not deal with them as well as I could have. Think that would be obvious, as it came at a cost -- my relationship with Tee Jay.
IT WAS YOU WHO MADE YOUR DUE
Right, right. So I did what I had to, in order to keep living. Don't act new, it has happened to most of us, that one relationship with that super special person that makes us feel that our lives are coming apart with them no longer a part of it. For me, my 'inner Roger' always had me sort of ready for such an occurrence ... as did what was now a reality for me, that I WASN'T a 'nerd' or anything remotely close to being one. Again like Glen Rice, not 'Hall of Fame' numbers, but you can't say that he couldn't 'shoot and score'.
This is something I had come to terms with before I went out with Tee Jay. So when I put my cards on the table, I could say things like, "Hey, I have no desire to try to have any 'side projects', because if I haven't had enough of that compared to others, I have had enough to suit me." I didn't have any desire to keep on trying to 'score'. I lost all my passion for the mindlessness of that pursuit. Not only that, one of the reason I got married early, is because I wanted to be married for a million years ... so it was as if I was the 'accidental scorer', because I was trying to be madly in love with EVERYONE.
So what happened to us? Unfortunately, if you have prepared for for possibilities, a fifth one will develop and completely screw up everything. And with her, I took full repsonsiblity. I f*cked up. Yup, it was that wrong of a choice. And that IS that with that.
DON'T MESS WITH MY YO-YO!
I don't think that I am the first person to realize that trying to talk to someone you have broken up with, is not the best idea. I mean, it happens every so often to give life to 'the exception is the rule' crowd, but the thing about it ... is the saying is 'the exception PROVES the rule'. The reason that something is so rare, is because it almost always never happens. Someone catches lightning in a bottle, doesn't mean you need to go out with a glass jug in a thunderstorm and expect something good to happen for you.
What is more likely is that you get drenched, come down with pneumonia and are set back even further. I didn't ever need someone to tell me that, which is why I didn't mind breaking up. 'Break up to make up'? Man, have you lost your freaking mind?!?
Either I was so full of crap, or they were so full of crap, that I didn't mind walking away when 'hostilities ceased' between us. From my 'youthful indiscretions' (if Sen. Henry Hyde can claim that one at 40, then certainly that could be used to describe the 'run 'n shoot' era of my mid 20's!), up to Sandie, when it was done, done is what it was.
But I was hung up over Tee Jay. Still, I wasn't going to just run after anyone for the sake of running after them. In getting over myself, I think I also have a better appreciation of who I am. So it goes with Tee Jay, who in my estimation has allowed her expectations to ... geez, how can I say it without being harsh ... regress?
Like Dave from 'Matchmaker', she wants the female equivalent, the 'Thug Life' -TuPac and 50-cent cat to walk in and be that guy for her. Right. At 20, that was young girl silliness. At 40 ... she need to have that moment that Dave had on the show. Who knows, maybe she will have it yet. Perhaps I am the cat to help her realize that she what she wants, isn't what she thinks.
And that is one of the questions I am considering. Am I a part of HER destiny, which would make her a part of MINE. That is tough for me to swallow, because I don't let people take my good will, and do with it whatever they want. Me having affection for you doesn't mean my logic center gets turned off.
So I don't press her. I can't afford finacially to date and pitch woo, and if she still rejects me, I am left out in the cold. I can either be with someone I am trying to build with, or I can do what it is I am doing, what my nature says to me to do, and get ready to move out and find my place, since this isn't it.
In the May '08 issue of 'Ebony', an article on Vanessa Williams spoke of how she dealt with break up and divorce. She is one for listening to all the sad songs that make you mourn for the love, to feel the pain, embrace it even. Her thought is that you will come out on the other side better for it.
Eh, I guess if I was pretty, smart, and with a full career and wonderful children, I would feel the same. Not to mention a pretty nice bank account. Eh, 3 of 5 isn't so terrible, but still under the 80% it needs to be for it to be a 'go'. So, how has it been that I have been able to avoid the pitfalls of finding out what a crap thought it is to date an ex, before I actually decided to try to date an ex? What did I subsitute for the bank account that got me to score that 80%?
COMING SOON : The Wall of Vodoo!!
As everyone can say how bad an idea it is to try to date someone from their past, I will keep repeating that I know, I know. Mookie was the first time, and I STILL think it is a good idea, is some respects. It is no longer a 'good idea' from in an actionable sense, because the whole thing runs against my nature, runs against life.
Similar to 'Sex Toy Dave', but without all the finacial glory, I sort of 'transformed' when I came home from the service. From a 'dud' to a 'stud' (I guess ... not that I think that I am hot but ...), I found that ... no, not like 'Dave', but more like a braver Roger Wolowitz from 'Big Bang Theory'. I wasn't scared to talk to someone, no matter how pretty that I thought they were. And I 'knew' what I liked (which is for another discussion) and felt comfortable stepping to whoever it is I wanted.
When my relationship with Pecan Sandie was over, I took at least a full calendar year off. Something was wrong, because though it wasn't perfect, it was certainly doable, the idea that we stay together forever and ever.
So it occured to me that I wasn't willing to push myself as far as it took to make a relationship work. After all, if we didn't make it the distance, what was it that I was doing that caused things to fail?
Meeting Tee Jay was something that was 'kismet'. We both had enough experience to know what we were trying to achieve, and both wanted something different from what we were previously involved in. For me, I decided to go a little more 'urban', and for her, I guess it was my 'eclectic' way (her word, not mine) of approaching her that she wanted to take for a ride. And for around 4 years, it was working. We had some issues with 'stuff', cause Pecan Sandie wasn't quite ready to let go as she had seemed when we were face to face. The time and distance had made her reconsider things, I guess. And Tee Jay had a 'fan club' of her own that had to be dealt with.
And now, the closest I have ever come to putting the blame of my failing on someone else ... when my Mom moved on, I came a little unhinged. Different reasons, too many to actually go into here, but I did not deal with them as well as I could have. Think that would be obvious, as it came at a cost -- my relationship with Tee Jay.
IT WAS YOU WHO MADE YOUR DUE
Right, right. So I did what I had to, in order to keep living. Don't act new, it has happened to most of us, that one relationship with that super special person that makes us feel that our lives are coming apart with them no longer a part of it. For me, my 'inner Roger' always had me sort of ready for such an occurrence ... as did what was now a reality for me, that I WASN'T a 'nerd' or anything remotely close to being one. Again like Glen Rice, not 'Hall of Fame' numbers, but you can't say that he couldn't 'shoot and score'.
This is something I had come to terms with before I went out with Tee Jay. So when I put my cards on the table, I could say things like, "Hey, I have no desire to try to have any 'side projects', because if I haven't had enough of that compared to others, I have had enough to suit me." I didn't have any desire to keep on trying to 'score'. I lost all my passion for the mindlessness of that pursuit. Not only that, one of the reason I got married early, is because I wanted to be married for a million years ... so it was as if I was the 'accidental scorer', because I was trying to be madly in love with EVERYONE.
So what happened to us? Unfortunately, if you have prepared for for possibilities, a fifth one will develop and completely screw up everything. And with her, I took full repsonsiblity. I f*cked up. Yup, it was that wrong of a choice. And that IS that with that.
DON'T MESS WITH MY YO-YO!
I don't think that I am the first person to realize that trying to talk to someone you have broken up with, is not the best idea. I mean, it happens every so often to give life to 'the exception is the rule' crowd, but the thing about it ... is the saying is 'the exception PROVES the rule'. The reason that something is so rare, is because it almost always never happens. Someone catches lightning in a bottle, doesn't mean you need to go out with a glass jug in a thunderstorm and expect something good to happen for you.
What is more likely is that you get drenched, come down with pneumonia and are set back even further. I didn't ever need someone to tell me that, which is why I didn't mind breaking up. 'Break up to make up'? Man, have you lost your freaking mind?!?
Either I was so full of crap, or they were so full of crap, that I didn't mind walking away when 'hostilities ceased' between us. From my 'youthful indiscretions' (if Sen. Henry Hyde can claim that one at 40, then certainly that could be used to describe the 'run 'n shoot' era of my mid 20's!), up to Sandie, when it was done, done is what it was.
But I was hung up over Tee Jay. Still, I wasn't going to just run after anyone for the sake of running after them. In getting over myself, I think I also have a better appreciation of who I am. So it goes with Tee Jay, who in my estimation has allowed her expectations to ... geez, how can I say it without being harsh ... regress?
Like Dave from 'Matchmaker', she wants the female equivalent, the 'Thug Life' -TuPac and 50-cent cat to walk in and be that guy for her. Right. At 20, that was young girl silliness. At 40 ... she need to have that moment that Dave had on the show. Who knows, maybe she will have it yet. Perhaps I am the cat to help her realize that she what she wants, isn't what she thinks.
And that is one of the questions I am considering. Am I a part of HER destiny, which would make her a part of MINE. That is tough for me to swallow, because I don't let people take my good will, and do with it whatever they want. Me having affection for you doesn't mean my logic center gets turned off.
So I don't press her. I can't afford finacially to date and pitch woo, and if she still rejects me, I am left out in the cold. I can either be with someone I am trying to build with, or I can do what it is I am doing, what my nature says to me to do, and get ready to move out and find my place, since this isn't it.
In the May '08 issue of 'Ebony', an article on Vanessa Williams spoke of how she dealt with break up and divorce. She is one for listening to all the sad songs that make you mourn for the love, to feel the pain, embrace it even. Her thought is that you will come out on the other side better for it.
Eh, I guess if I was pretty, smart, and with a full career and wonderful children, I would feel the same. Not to mention a pretty nice bank account. Eh, 3 of 5 isn't so terrible, but still under the 80% it needs to be for it to be a 'go'. So, how has it been that I have been able to avoid the pitfalls of finding out what a crap thought it is to date an ex, before I actually decided to try to date an ex? What did I subsitute for the bank account that got me to score that 80%?
COMING SOON : The Wall of Vodoo!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)