Clarification and Explination

MAYBE THIS WAS CONFUSING

There has not been a time when I have been conscious that there has been an abscence of faith in my life. It has always meant a lot to me. It is important that you have the trust, the belief, in yourself, before you can have it in anyone else. And in many ways, I don't see enough of that in AKA to suit me. Period.

I think I should have at leas put a comma after 'conscious'. Hopefully I got across that I do have faith in my life, and it keeps me from wallowing in the life that I have made for myself. Accept and move on, with the intent to try and do better the next time, that is my preferred attitude about things.

One of the things about AKA, one of the many issues I have with her, is that she gives me the impression that she has been and gets spoiled. That's her business, but when you talk 'merger talk', at least with me, those are the kinds of things that have to be worked out.

SEE, I KNOW I AM BUT WHAT ARE YOU?

And I ride a big red bike like Pee Wee Herman too!

When you tell me 'what's what' about you, then that is what I am going to expect of your character and how I am going to treat you. As the relationship between us is being developed and forms its own character, what you told me at the beginning is still going shape how I 'carry' you.

AKA's are notorious for being stuck up sorority girls. When I met this 'AKA', she was no real exception, but we did have a conversation, and essentially, the rest of the story is history. One of the early things that she said about herself, lent to the idea that she considers herself a 'truth tellers', you know, one of those 'friends' who will tell you the uncomfortable things that everyone else won't. Y'all know the type ... ask them if you 'look fat in these jeans', they will say yes, tell you that your boy/girlfriend is crap and all that other stuff.

Well, okay then! So that is how I have treated her, as someone who is strong and can take it ... because if you are going to dish it out, you HAVE to be able to take it, right?

She comes from a fabled 'safe and stable home', and that is great for her. But by telling me you are a 'tell it like it is' person, I will respond and treat you like that. Not that it is my general character, but it is in me, and if that is how you are ...

When we had our most recent 'talk' a few weeks ago, I reminder her that she told me that about herself. The reason I reminded her of it, was because she remarked that she 'wasn't like you, cut and dry'. I was a surprised, taken aback really. I reminded her of the impression she made on me when we first met, and that it had stayed in my mind.

I told her that is why she hadn't really known some things about me, because the facade she has erected, while only a facade, was enough for me to keep my distance from her. See, no one really cared why the wizard is behind the curtain, they still wanted what they came there for. And if they can't get it ... well, I told her that is why, in part our relationship never went further than it did. I may be nice, forgiving, and sensitive, but I don't or won't 'play myself out'.

I can have pity for people, but when I am in a line behind their own self-pity, I am like, 'get the hell over yourself.' I don't coddle, sorry about that. Because I am cheerful when it comes to slogging thru the muck in life, doesn't mean that I am a simp, who doesn't get it. I do get it. I get that you are born into a world, and that this, for better or worse, like it or not, is the only opportunity you are going to get.

YOU DON'T KNOW IF THERE WILL BE ANY MORE ...

... so come on, what are you waiting for? Really, I would like to know what she is waiting for, with her big, bad Michigan degree (in what, I have never asked ... which is another thing in her particular 'rabbit hole'), a Mom and Pop who have been married forever, two older brothers and a sister to have helped you develop and mature ... in some ways, you can say she had all the breaks. But man, she is such an underachiever ... not that she has even attempted to fly and fell back to earth, because I don't think she has, ever.

Man ... this is annoying. Who has the time in their lives to be whining about living? Oh, I know who ... I tend to call them 'losers'. They are 'losers' because they have lost sight of the chances they have to make the life that they want, to make one that leaves them fulfilled and satisfied having lived. That is part of why I liked the movie 'Slumdog Millionaire', because ... well, GO SEE IT, and I can tell you! No 'spoiling' here!

I don't begrudge her the blessings that she has had in her life that I may not have had in mine ... because I think I was given what I NEEDED. The only reason it bothers me, is that she chooses to remain in her sleepwalk, and that I have to keep her at a distance. That takes work, and I am going to need all that energy for my next adventure. Which is what I told her.

So why is she back in the picture? I guess I will answer that quetion Monday or Tuesday, when I will allow myself to consider another 'question' in my life.

SUPER BOWL ENTRY

COMMITMENT, DETERMINATION ...

Last year's Super Bowl held personal significance for me. At first, I didn't have a pig in the poke, but as the media moved to annoit the 'Evil Empire' of the New England Patriots, they overlooked another story, another fate that was there to be fulfilled. Hardly anyone spoke of the unique destiny that awaited Eli Manning and the New York Giants. And indeed, the scarcely observed underdog, won the game in a sweeping triumph.

Because of where I was at, spiritually and emotionally, the Giants win would be something I latch onto, like a floation device as though I was out on the ocean adrift.

This year, I really, really don't have anyone to 'pull' for, because I wouldn't want to be against either side. The Pittsburgh Steelers have '...been playing the same kind of football for the past 40 years,' as one sports guy said on ESPN. They have had only three coaches in that span, and though they way they have actually gotten 'it done', has the individual stamp of the coaches, but the essentials are the same. In short, the Steelers 'are who you thought they were'.

My heart has a place for Kurt Warner. He was on the reality show, 'The Biggest Loser', and he told the contestants that he got to where he was, because of 'a little commitment, a little determination, and a lot of faith.

I generally save conversations about 'faith' for a 'boots' discussion. There is so much to it, that I don't write about it often. I don't want to have to explain in my journal about something that I need to know and understand. A lot of my 'how and why's' are aptly covered by Nietzsche, and I leave it at that.

Besides, 'faith' is a big word, and it is applicable to me and this entry, according to my trusty American Heritage! One of the definitions reads as follows: 'Confident belief or trust in a person, idea or thing. Loyalty, alliegence.'

And that, like 'Hooked on Phonics', works for me!

I LEARNT THIS FROM MY MOMMA ...

... so please, respect my style!

Since I have only ever always woke early, whether it is to run or to deliever newspapers, it couldn't have been easy for my Mom to sit in church with only 4 of her 5 minor children, but she did it. We had our 'talk' about that, and that was that with that. I wonder only now, how much that grated at her. But like with some choice she made that I never got the chance to question, it means nothing, if I don't find myself comfortable with it. And I am.

The understanding I got from that conversation (of which, we would have several more times) was that I was going to have to accept the consequence of my actions, emphasis on the bad. Because I wouldn't be able to blame anyone but myself, because there was a choice and I used that choice to go in another direction.

So I don't do a lot of whining, and reg'lar readers know that I get upset at myself when I think that I am doing it. Like Flav said, 'it was YOU who made your due, YOU built a maze you can't get through' ...

... 'tried to help you all I can, but now I can't do nuthin' for you man.' That is deep, if you let it sink in.

IT AIN'T ABOUT ME

There has not been a time when I have been conscious that there has been an abscence of faith in my life. It has always meant a lot to me. It is important that you have the trust, the belief, in yourself, before you can have it in anyone else. And in many ways, I don't see enough of that in AKA to suit me. Period.

She went through some 'stuff' at the start of the week, and IMO, a large part of her problem would be the Einstein statement about 'insanity being defined as doing the same thing and expecting different results (which has made the rounds, lately!)' You could also apply that to the city of Detroit and how it is governed, but I should remind you, that this isn't 'that blog'.

I wonder if she really wants a different life? I mean, she talks a good game, knows the layout and all, but when it comes to moving her pieces across the board, she is clueless, and that is too kind a word for her. I can compare her with a lot of women in the Metro Area ... and Mookie too, and it is unfavorable assesment.

Tried to listen to her, and be there the way that girls like her, 'The Sisterhood of Unhappy Single Women in the League of Bad and Broken Relationships' want you to be there for them, with ice cream and sympathy. You could put the Einstein line about 'insanity' on their coat of arms.

Because many people choose to be 'insane', I place a premimum on faith. It takes a lot of work and optimism to want something different. It means you will have to venture into the unknown, and wander out in the unknowable ...

...there are a few constants that deal with faith. First, you have to believe you can. Otherwise, your venture is lost at the very beginning. And if you have to lean on someone, and usually you will have to at some point, you need to be able to have complete and absolute trust in these people. If you can't, then why bother with them?

I know 'why' I am wanting, planning and hoping for what I want. Right now, I am working on the 'how'.

EAT LESS, EXERCISE MORE

WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA ..!



Really don't have a whole heck of a lot going on these days ... trying to get used to having a 'piece of a peace of mind'. Arriel left a comment about working out ... and I will try to answer her straight away, and not confuse her with anything.



With weights, any weight you can do ten reps (a rep is single count of any movement, from start to finish) comfortably, is a good place to start. It would follow that the next lighter weight you can do 12 -15 reps, and the next heavier weight you can do 6-8 reps. This applies to fitness machines as well.



Balancing out what muscle groups is another item than many beginner's and novice fitness types make mistakes on. You work out groups where the action 'pulls' the weight, together, and exercises that 'push' the weight, you do on a different day.

A better way to say it, is that chest and legs should be worked together and arms and back should go together. This is a general thing, and if you want specifics, fly me out and you will get the intense, full service treatment!

One of the reasons it helps to have a 'coach', is they can push you to the next level, if they know how to relate to you. 'Partners' are overrated. Blind leading the naked (which is the name of a way cool Violent Femmes release!). If you can get someone who knows a little bit about working out, or just look at others in the gym training, you will get a good idea about what machine and exercises do what.

...IF I WAS YOUR TRAINER...

First two weeks, 3-4 days of training would be as follows:
Bench Press
Dumbell Shoulder Press
Flye exercise
Leg Press
Calf Raises
Jog or Cycle for 20 mins.

The set count would be 4 sets with 8-10 reps, the objective to be set at 10 (I put '8', so that you wouldn't feel bad if you didn't get up to 10, but I wouldn't tell you that if I was working you!)

One of the things that I remember most about starting to work out as a kid, that I see get a short shrift in a lot of fitness magazines and stuff, is that working is working, and there is a benefit to it. I keep hearing about how after you do so many reps of this, then you stop getting benefit from the exercise, yadda yadda.

The problem is, on higher levels of athletics, I see people breaking the rules all the time. There are things that occur beyond measurement, so if all you have is a 5lbs dumbell, and you can do 3 sets of 50 curls, who is to say that it did not benefit you?

See, I have always thought you need to skip a day or two when working out big muscle groups like the legs and the chest, so that they recover. But your arms, calves (I know they are part of the legs ... but you can 'seperately' work them as well) back, and your stomach, you can train until the cows come home and get benefit from the effort.

What I have posted, is the classic Mark workout, particularly when I have been away from a gym. Gets your body used to making an effort, and after two weeks, that should be enough time for you to feel something, stronger, maybe even slimmer.

One of the lamest excuses that I hear from people, particularly women, is that they are embarrassed to go, because they don' want to get 'looked at', as fat and in poor condition. Uh, this just in: WE KNOW ALREADY! You think that people don't know that you are bigger than you may want to be, as you down the carmel strudel as you look longingly at the picture of Katherine Heigl, wishing you could look like that ... or Jessica Alba ... Rihanna ... you get the picture.

Another one that they use, is that they don't want to get hit on ... and that is a hard one to argue down. 'Keep you eyes on your luggage', is all I can say, and trust your instincts. If you go regularly, you will end up talking to someone ... is he on the make or no? IMO, most EVERY guy in a gym will take a crack at an attractive woman, working alone. Hey, it is what guys do. But it is a small issue, when you know that you are still going home to whatever it is there. Myself, I don't worry about people in the gym, trying to be anything to me. Never took home any numbers nor asked for them.

Be prepared for the long haul. A good six months to really see anything, but so much depends on you. The more you put in, the more you get out. One way is to re-frame it as something that is helping you, than something you have to sacrifice for. The reason diet don't work, is that they are DIETS! Subsitute the negative connotation by telling yourself you are doing something that is giving you something.

I will prolly do a little entry about stuff you can do at home that will help you out. It isn't easy but geez louise, it ain't hard! It is about effort, and if you don't give it, you won't get anything out of it.

The date ... the day without a date

RANDOM ... SORTA ...

... more like I will see where I will end up when I am done.

Muddled thru last week, none the worse for wear. I think that Nebraska and I have come to an understanding, one that assuaged a lot of my 'imagined worries'. Now I can concentrate on the things that are tangible, and deal with them.

Decided to see if I can run thru the week, mainly because I don't have anything else to do. I would like to believe that I am trimming up, though I haven't been on a scale in ages. The reason for that is simple, as I believe how you feel and consistent work trumps what is on the scale. Only numbers you need to be concerned with if you are really training 4 days a week, are cholesterol and BP. If those are good, and you feel fit, then you prolly are.

The line for today's entry is from one of my fave readings, the Nikoali Golgol story, 'The Diary of a Madman'. It is the story about a low level government clerk, who is obsessively attracted to the Department head's daughter. He imagines her dogs talking to him, and creates elaborate situations surrounding his 'relationship' with this woman, who is clearly above his station.

He grows more irrational as the story goes on, and when he is finally dragged out of everyone's life, he is believing himself to be the King of Spain ... that was deep to me! Another of my 'literary models', Cross Damon does much the same thing, only sans the 'break' from all reality as the cat in 'Madman' endures.

Cross feels smothered by his life. He is 'a smarter than the average bear' kind of cat, frustrated by a lot of things ... from his level in life, alienated by not fitting in comfortably with social circle. He makes me think of a black 'John Galt' wanna be ...

Between the both of them, I felt, went through a disassociation from their own real selves ... that is the thing that gets me about existentialism ... at some point, something simply IS. No more and no less. But when you are well to do, like Sartre and Thoreau (not classically an 'existentialist', but hey, it is my opinion, ain't it?) it is easy to be lost in deep thought and ponder crap concepts that you actually don't have to deal with in the material way that the clerk and Cross had to. I think that is why they lost themselves to madness and despair. When you are well to do, you can afford to be eccentric.

When you are not ... you are ostracized if you try to be a part of the wider society, and exiled to the fringes of whatever level you are on, pushed further from the mainstream. The push is gentle at first, begun when you are young, and not allowed to partake in the 'reindeer games' of youth, to finally bludgeoned by dodgeballs and not invited to the small dances in jr. high ...

... you go to high school, and for a moment, you hang with the loners kids, the burnouts and goth gang, wearing black and listening to Robert Smith. But then you are not really comfortable with any of them and you find yourself pushed further to the fringes ...

The what and why I didn't get lost in melancholy is a mystery to me. I know that I have always chosen to think positive ... even when I was wrong.

FILLED WITH AMBITION

This was something that I find many people, like the two guys I have mentioned, lack in their day to day lives ... as I wake up, you NEVER know how 'happy' I am going to be, only that I am going to wake up with a smile!

Right now, getting to this plateau with what is for me, a completely unconventional plan (which is saying A LOT) with 'braska has freed me up ... and I am even lighter spiritually. I can concentrate on making sure that my will power is strong and I am really going to get there despite the difficulties I may face.

Sent KT's 'official' invitation for the summer. Going to keep it short, a week and a half ... may go out to Chicago to see her Aunt and cousin. Sort of want to take her to Cedar Point, but she IS going to need someone to get on the rides with her! I have no desire, but that is what I say now ... we will see when we are 'boots on the ground', and she looks up at me with those brown eyes ...

TODAY'S VIDEO

I was going thru some Daft Punk songs, and stumbled on this one. This has turned into a huge career break for this young woman, who was featured in an ad campaign for jeans over in Europe. My nephew does some local dance thingy ... he was watching video's of guys who can 'get it' on the dance floor.

As he sat and was watching some cat getting money thrown at him, I started talking about how he could market himself and maybe HE'D be the next big thing ... gonna have to let him see this, then tell him what it did for this girl. He may not get a break, but you never know, so you'd better watch!

FILLING THE SPACES BETWEEN PLACES

ANATOMY OF A MURDER



Excellent movie that I saw last night at the Old Redford Theatre. It is an old style movie house, refurbished and they show a variety of things there, MCTOS/Redford Calendar of Events and it is a pleasure to see that it has been brought back.



Tried to watch the Miss USA pageant, but fell asleep. There was a reply on at midnight, but after I made it back home, I was close to wiped. Want to 'see' if KT was in there ...



MAYBE IT ISN'T ABOUT 'BEING BORED' ...



That has been on my mind, making a change in my 'inner dialogue', regarding 'boredom'. In Beth's journal over at Nutwood Junction, 'boredom is not an option'! Myself, I have thought of boredom as something that you go thru when you pass from one experience to the next, especially when you aren't sure of where you are heading.



When I think about people being 'bored', I think that they can't stand the quiet moments in life, where there is no drama, no climatic resolution to a big bunch of nothing, in short, no drama. I have always been leery of people like that ... sometimes, sitting down and letting your mind settle and listening to it, is not a bad idea. I don't mean chillin' with Mary J. Blige or whatever ghetto songstress is marketing as 'real emotions' and you are now lost in the heartbreak of bad relationships.



And fair play, guys do the same thing. Not so much as emotionally, but in a life perspective way. 'Live Rich Or Die Tryin'' was the name of a 50 Cent album ... and there is the movie 'Notorious', a fictionalization of the rapper Biggie Smalls (who I could not STAND!!), who fed into the misogyny of 'black manhood'.



When they can't have the stylized versions of life that is being served up by the media, they are left with the reality of the emptiness of their own lives. Filling in the quiet moments of their lives with what the media puts out ... people can't STAND that.



60 SECONDS OF DISTANCE RUN...



... but you don't have to run every minute. And you shouldn't be running just to run.



This is why changing your life is a process. You can't reasonably expect to say I am going to be 'this' and tomorrow expect things to be 'that' (and you STILL wonder why I say they aren't related?). There came a point where things started to 'slow down', and I could see what was happening in my life, pick up on the patterns that were specific to me, and my happiness. It was at this time, I saw 'boredom' as one of the things that was at the root of a lot of mistakes.



Studying for class is boring for a teenager. Having to sit and learn a new system for a job is boring. Doing the laundry for the house is boring. The drudgery of the simple tasks that help makes the big things happen, usually gets labeled as 'boring'.



In relationships, there are way too many things that are 'boring', that actually make up the body of what is GOOD about being in love, a true and strong love. I remember helping Mookie clean the house on weekends ... and I remember doing the laundry when I was married ... stuff like that is 'boring'.



So I learned to make it fun. I tried to appreciate it for all the things that it wasn't ... especially with Mookie. The progression of my relationships have brought me a step closer, each time. One of the reasons I think I have made progress, is that I have accepted 'the boredom' that happens when you free yourself from the drama you have mistaken for normal.



Thinking that everybody is unhappy and have to go through heartache and the twist and turns that is offered by life ... misses the key point. It is OFFERED, which means you have a CHOICE. Thing is, when you are used to making crap choices, and the ensuing drama, the peace that comes from making better choices, creates a vacuum in a life.



At least it did in mine. I began to analyze a little, and it came to me that the stuff that life was offering to fill the empty space, was not necessarily good for me. But if I didn't put anything in that place, that time, wouldn't I get ... bored?



That is when I began to accept 'boredom' as a good thing, considering it was better than the alternative. Drama awaits to be had. I could start getting impatient, and jump the gun regarding Tee Jay (oh, policy regarding her is in the hands of the 'D.O.D' as, 'things have changed'), start pestering Nebraska, or any number of things that will fill the empty space, but with what?



The acceptance of being bored ... reminded me of what was said about their never being a good reason for doing nothing, even in the shoring up of your defense, you are acting. Dealing with boredom is like a defensive position, and I sit and look at the potential mistakes out there, waiting to be made ... and if the impulse to do 'something stupid' was too great, then I would look at the worst of all things I could do, and then do something other than that!

Perhaps I can change that, and choose an option other than 'boredom'. I will think a little about it ... after all, no need to change for the sake of change. You will end up like the Detroit Pistons, who are watching the Denver Nuggets light it up with Chauncey Billups and they are languishing with Allen Iverson (though as for that, they should get it together!)

Have a great day!

General Entry

FIRST, A PAT ON THE BACK



'Slumdog Millionaire' was a movie that I told everyone I could to go see when it was released. Drew 10 Oscar nominations, as well as the big one, Best Picture. This has not been one of my best movie years, so I don't know about the other contenders. Do know that you will have a great time watching this film, so try to watch it whenever you can.



Will find my way to see 'Gran Torino', 'The Wrestler' and 'Frost-Nixon' next month. Hopefully they will still be out and the snow will have melted down.



GOOD CONVERSATION

Nebraska and I traded emails, and I let her know that I am 'sold' on the idea of moving out there. It was interesting, because we got stuff cleared up, and there is a stronger understanding of what we can expect when I get there on a permanent basis.

I mentioned that whatever 'lumps' in the batter isn't going to affect what happens between us. Everything that needs to be said between us, has pretty much been said. Now it the time for trust and faith.

One of the things I hope that is understood, is that there is no 'competition'. It isn't about me being 'playa, playa' here. Everybody knows how the story goes ... and that is that for that. If anything, I am looking for something outside of myself in finding where I should be.

DOING WHAT'S BEST ...

... and getting what you really want and deserve is sometimes a matter of choosing what you want NOW v. what you want MOST. Most of all, I want happiness and to enjoy someone who is special to me company. Since those kinds of people are rare to have in a lifetime, and I have fumbled away two, I am more than willing to take my chances in heading out west.

It isn't going to be easy. I have committed to sacrifice and a lot of hard work to get there. May be some 'Mission Creep', but I will cross that when I get to it. Not going to give up on my plan at the first sign that it may be difficult or not go the way that I had hoped. Didn't get this far by doing that ...

... besides, this year is still going well. Getting over the 'blahs' and rounding back into form. Want to get an 'Iron Gym' contraption to add to my working out. Not much to say, but the dialogue with Nebraska really put a lot of my concerns at ease.

WATCHED THE INAGURATION, ...

... today is still my Mom's birthday

This event, watching a black man nervously take the oath of office of the Presidency of the United States, means sooo much. Have to leave a lot of 'what it means' to the smarter than Mark guys. As I have said before, and will continue to say, this means that it is once again time to make like CIV and 'set your goals'.

My Mom had me dream some of the wildest dreams ... and I believed in them too. Problem was in the execution my of them. When Bill Clinton rose to become President, that was when I first felt the sting of what I squandered as an adult. Coming from where he came from, I saw quite a bit of myself in him and his story.

Obama means that the govenor has been taken off, and you can once again race to your dreams. For a lot of people in the black community, it is going to be interesting how deep this goes. One of the big problems we've had is unity in purpose. Perhaps, this can help the social movement become centered and move forward in a positive fashion.

I think that is what I am going to take from today most of all, the hope that he represents, that is manifested in his taking the office of President. I have never thought that there are small dreams ... anything that you have to work hard and sacrifice to get or achieve is measured by the effort, not by its objective worth. Like Marshall and Lily's habits and traditions on last night's 'How I Met Your Mother'!

The small things that they did together, to Robin, seemed silly. They themselves had thought they would use this 'away trip' as the time they out grew the silliness of Marshall picking Lily up from the airport and being silly with each other. It was a nice show, and it made me think of how I like to find something unique to a relationship and celebrate it. It is important, IMO, to have something personal and special to share with your partner.

It made me think of what AKA 'likes' about me, and how it is different from what Tee Jay 'liked' ... and I am sure that what I found in them, especially Tee Jay, was different than what others saw in them. We had 'our' thing, and that was cool.

NO, THIS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ANY SENSE...

... so consider this a 'stand alone episode'. So I shaved my legs and felt better yesterday ... it always makes me feel good, doing something to make myself feel 'pretty'!! Buffed out my finger nails too! All the ridges are smoothed out, and they are coming into form!

Gonna see Lexxie in April. Waiting until Feb. to get that settled out as well. That is going to be a great experience, as I think of myself as a good 'road team', even with my challenges. This also means I won't visit Nebraska until late spring, early summer. I wanted it to be the other way, because I wanted to see if I could get a deal and sneak KT down to the Atl and the three of us hang out during the summer. Que sera.

Listening to a couple of 'Sandie songs' right now. The first one is 'Dirty Epic' by Underworld. Not that it has any hidden meanings or stuff like that. But I remember a particular drive we were on, and for some reason, it began to resonate and associate itself with her.

Oasis' 'Wonderwall', is a song that she took to, and liked to listen to it when she'd visit. As time has gone by, it seems like I should have picked up on what it may have meant to her, and subsquently to us, when we were together ...

Anywho, it is going to be good to see them in 'their place'. Will have to keep my Stepmom in my head, and not say or do anything stupid while I am down there. Strange things happens to brothers from the North when they cross the Mason-Dixon line ..!

FOOTBALL THIS PAST WEEKEND

Glad for Arizona and Kurt Warner ... too bad that the Philly fans may devour Donovan McNabb. The Steelers-Ravens game was crystalized by that hit Ryan Clark put on Willis McGahee in the 4th quarter. It was mostly clean, completely unintended, if unintended is defined by not wanting to cause serious injury.

It was a football game that really, if you didn't want to get hurt, or have to 'want it to win it', you needed not to have showed up. No one was wearing skirts out there. For a moment, I thought the Ravens were going to hang around and sneak the win out in the end, but Troy Polumalu was in the right place as he has been most of the season ... so it wasn't an accident.

Not that the Steelers are 'bullies', but that is what I think they are going to do with Arizona in the Super Bowl. At least a two score win, I think, for the Steelers.

... okay, how DID you meet our Mother?

Last night's show was very cute. I liked how Marshall and Lily, agonizing over whether or not they should start being more mature, and move beyond the silliness in their relationship, ended up going to great lengths to keep alive the odd tradition of greeting each other at the airport. I have always thought that the small, unique quirks to a relationship can keep the bond strong between people.

Did not watch 'Two and a half Men', because this season of '24' is smoking! I am also excited to see the new show 'Lie to Me', featuring Tim 'Mr. Orange' Roth. One of the commercials uses a snippet of a Morrissey song, 'Glamourous Glue' ... the one with the voice singing, 'Everyone lies, everyone lies'...

Like someone can sneak Morrissey by me!

But back to 'Mother', I think about what it would be like to be a part of a couple like that ... there has been times where I thought that I was working on that with someone (kewpie doll if anyone could guess who!). Want to think that I would recognize it again if I saw it ... sorta think I have. But it could be like that cat in the Wendy's 'Fundamentals of a 3-conomy', where the one cat says, 'shh, hear that?', and the one guy says, 'yeah, that was me. Anymore fundamentals in that bag?'

Then dude goes, 'There it is again!' He could have just told him 'no'!

In Fact ... I Did ...

... delete an entry.


I tend to 'read' before I write. A couple of entries kind of got into my thought process. The one by a lovely Senorita, was a take on the profiles some men post on the single sites. She did a 'what they say and what they mean' kind of entry, and while it was funny, one of the cats she was 'jonesin' on, sounded eerily similar ...



One of the reasons that I have preferred to walk up and talk to someone that looks interesting, is that is a 'pass or fail' kind of course. The single sights, while no doubt a valid way to meet people ( I know of several folks 'here' and on line that have enjoyed success doing that), also have a lot of 'questionable characters' on there, and that isn't just for women searching men.



I do feel that meeting someone in the flesh, I can get a better reading on them, as they could get a better 'feel' on me. Still, her humor made me a little self-conscious. There are times where I wish I had a little bit more of, IDK, something that would let the chica's take me more seriously, or view me differently.



Since I never found out what 'seriously' or 'differently' were, I long ago stopped worrying about that. Still, once every year or so, I worry that I am not 'enough' of something. Then I go on and get back into character.



... then over at Nutwood ...



Beth had mentioned some cat who screeded about some brother who's take was quite radical regarding Barack Obama. I wrote something that was not worth the effort it took to type it, and wished that I could have it back. That is a 'boots on the ground' kind of discussion, because it is nuanced. My writing isn't smooth enough to cover that kind of conversation, so I should have let it alone.

Prolly cause I wasn't talking about what IS on my mind.

SPORTS ... as LIFE

In the three sports who's season spans lengths on the calendar, hockey, basketball, and baseball, there is a lot of talk about 'hitting the wall'. The season stretches across the calendar, across the country and international borders. It is long in a very real sense.

Coastal road trips and back to back games in hostile environments. Separation from familiar faces and places. Gets tiring, when 'the same ol' is the same old in that it isn't what you normally put up with.

'Change' is a lot like those 'west coast road trips' that teams from the East seem to have such a dread of. Right now, I have hit a 'dead spot in the schedule', and I am trying to work to February, when I can get out of this 'funk'.

There are times where you have to keep to your faith, and not worry so much about anything else. Others have made changes in their lives, and gone on to flourish. Yet right now, with the weather and being a little bit away from where I want to be...

ALWAYS DO THE RIGHT THING

Instead of excusing myself and making the easy choice in lieu of the best choice, there is always a third way. Though there is never an excuse not to act, you don't always have to press the issue. 'In the defense', waiting and making sure you don't go back to where you have came from, you are doing something to advance yourself.

As for setbacks ... don't worry about them. There hasn't been an unbeaten basketball team, and no one started playing ball and finished in September 162-0! I don't think that the Wings of the 90's matched up all their president's trophies with Stanley Cups.

In other words, it doesn't matter if you stay on the road, because if it is the right road for you to be on, you only need to believe you will get there, for it all to matter. And you have to do so, in spite of the hardship you face. Period.

Man, you know for such a pansy, I certainly talk tough!!

Live free or die: Death is not the worst of evils. - Gen. John Stark

That is how I feel. To live under the expectations and limits of others is like a death. I won't let myself think that I am a 'dead man walking'. I choose to live my life, take the seemingly stupid risks that I plan to take, and keep on until I get my 'final orders from DA'!

Again, apologies to those who I may have offended with my comments in their journals. Wasn't quite myself when I woke up this morning.

Is this thing on?

Missed Them

Fleet Foxes. Fell asleep, didn't watch 'SNL', and as you can see, woke up NOW. Hope now that I have a hit counter up on this thing. May try to actually design some stuff on my journals, make 'em look fabulous!

Or not.

BARRACUDA

Today's (or this morning's) video is from a girl who was part of the music duo Cibo Matto. This is one of several songs that make me think of my girl, Nebraska! The reason that I say this, is that I was very taken by her wanting to hear the kind of music that I like, even if it was to say to herself, 'why yes Mark, you are an oreo, are you not?'

Some of the downtempo stuff that I like to listen to, the low fi stuff, shoegaze and general electronica crosses genre's, are stuff you'd be surprised at at you have heard and didn't know it was part of one of those strange musical categories (stuff you've heard in commercials, movies, etc.) that I listen to.

Portishead has a new CD out ... but being finacially challenged as I am, I haven't picked it up. This is from their second release ... and doesn't it say it all? Kinda creepy, in the obsessiveness of it ... still, it is a very good song. I think they call this 'trip hop'. Massive Attack, Tricky, are another couple of groups/artists that make music in the smoky haze of this music room.

I can see myself somewhere ... it is clear that it is somewhere that isn't here, and as to the 'newness' of where I am at, well, pretty much everywhere can look new to me, when I am not concentrating!

...anywhere woulda been better ...

A lot of my 'personal patois' is word play on stuff, especially from songs. The paragraph header is from what I guess could come from my 'travel song list', were I to make one, the Tribe Called Quest jam, 'I Left My Wallet In El Segundo'. The line that preceeded it, included the words '... in the middle of nowhere', which described where they 'were'.

I remember what I heard when I first caught those lyrics ... made me look around and wonder, 'where was I?', as I took in my surroundings. Since I can't say anything super good about them, I am best not commenting on them at all. But 'anywhere' really would be better ...

...or so I am willing to risk.

JANUARY 16, 1984

I have the story of when I was younger, of running in the kind of weather we are having in the midwest now, and it was so cold, the vaseline froze on my face! Until this weekend, it was more like a 'yeah, right' kind of thing. But riding with AKA (maybe I will go more into how that happened ... maybe not), the news radio station she had on, mentioned that date as being the coldest January day on record. It would fit timewise, and I remember that I went out that night, because my Mom was worried. Didn't have a face mask or anything like that (do run with an all over face cap now), so I would glob on the Vaseline to keep the wind off my face.

For me, Marvelous Marvin Hagler set the standard for toughness and dedication during training, and he looked the part. You wanted to be tough, be ready to beat someone up, then you had to do the tough stuff. I had a fight that I would win coming up very soon. The thing that I would tell myself, is that whoever I was fighting, was somewhere warm, comfortable, not even thinking about me ... if he was, he wasn't thinking about me like I was thinking about HIM.

Imagining he was somewhere comfortable, giving his girlfriend a squeeze or rolling over in his cozy bed, while I was out here, in the dark and the cold, thinking about being ready for him, made me want to pulverize SOMETHING.

Went out, ran up 7 Mile, turned left at Grand River, went north on Shiawassee back into the 48219. Got home, and one of the babies (my best sister and Army sister are the youngest, and they are frat twins), asked me, 'What is wrong with your face?' Went to the bathroom and the Vaseline was still clumped up on my face, as if it hadn't melted from the body heat I should have been generating ...

... yeah, it was cold that night!

STATE WON

Beat Illinois at home. This, after winning on the road to start the season. Remember, good starts lend themselves to good finishes, and this year's team seems to have the character that makes me think they are Final Four caliber.

BTW, didyou know Beth, that Tom Zbinknowski boxed? I guess he was a decent enough amateur, and they let him fight a pro fight while in college. But I am sure he is a better safety than boxer, so he is in the right sport! I could imagine though, he is prolly the best fighter in his locker room!

Gonna read a little bit, then hopefully drift off to sleep. Did run today, and it wasn't that bad ... TO ME! Now to you, that would have been your call!

BRR, CLOSE THAT DOOR!

RIGHT PLACE, RIGHT TIME

Of all the pilots that could have been flying on that US Airways jetliner, it was fortunate that Capt. Sullenberger was the one flying that plane. Will let other talk about all the other 'stuff', because I am going in a different direction. Did want to salute the crew and the ability of all those on that flight, and the drop everything reaction of the boats that plucked them off that plane.

FOOTBALL, THIS WEEKEND

Last year's story line, was 'who's destiny is to be fulfilled.' This year, it is just real life at it's most basic. In the NFC, you have two teams propelled by destiny, karma, what have you. Philly and Arizona have their own negatives to have had to be overcome to get to where they are, and almost despite themselves, they are where they are ...

Between them, I don't have too great a personal preference. Both have things about them that need to be 'met' so that they can enter into history. Neither will win the Super Bowl, but more on that later.

Donovan McNabb can stand on the shoulder's of giants in a way, riding in on the Obama 'yes we can' black folks wave ... Kurt Warner's story has NEVER been an old one for me, as where McNabb was truly 'dissed' this season, Warner's career has been one of coming back from the scrap heap.

You could say I am leaning toward him, because of my personal feelings for his story, in his first incarnation as a big time football quarterback, and how the perseverance from that, could be what brought him back around again. Whenever you see the phrase "I never let go of my dreams", I got that from him, during his first incarnation as a big time quarterback. How hard must it have been, going from stocking groceries and playing in the dregs of pro football, to have the belief and faith that it "was gonna happen, someday".

Then his sharp descent to being a back up, a few years of people questioning whether he could still operate at this level ... but that saying, and the faith in him would not let him give up on himself. Good for him!

ON THE OTHER SIDE

Unlike last year, when you had nearly as much flash as you did substance with the AFC side, this year, you have the two flat out, face up, old school knock you in the mouth teams, Pittsburgh and Baltimore. Sorry MJB, but I do think that Pittsburgh is going to win it all. But either Pitt or Baltimore will win the Super Bowl.

The thing about the both of them, is that they let you know what they are going to do, and they don't mind doing it. Neither squad is interested in style points, and they aren't built to look pretty doing what they do. All year, they have been punching teams in the mouth, not that they are 'bullies' per se, but that the things they do, they do very well. And they do them better than you do what you do well.

Remorselessness, is what I feel from the Steelers and the Ravens. There is no fluffy storyline, no glamour players (though you could make the case for the Ravens Ray Lewis and the Steeler's Ben Rothlisberger), just two tough teams, who do the tough work, to get the job done.

I am looking forward to enjoying some good football ... and who ever wins, I will be good with it ..!

RUNNING

On these frighteningly frigid days, I have been running in the mid afternoon, so that the sunlight can help keep me warm. Layered up, and really, once I make it down my block, I am good. But I have to keep moving. Seeing men working on stuff, thinking about things like the rescue on the Hudson River, and my fave, what was going on in WW II, and some of those battles during the agony of the cold, I wonder what I would have been experiencing and how I would have made it through.

Oh, I know I would have made it, but the experience would have been something to put on my resume! One of the things about the 'greatest generation' is that they made stuff happen, and went to the next thing. So much self-aggrandizement nowadays ... makes me think of the 'Tower of Babel' or silly, full of himself Icarus. Sure others got their own stories to come up with ...

... but anyway, haven't been 'stupid'. This winter I have shortened up my run lengths, doing two and three's, rather than the 4, 5, and 6's (or more). Think I am showing enough charater just getting out there!

JENNY DAGLE'S PLAYLIST

I do enjoy my music, which is why I post of it in my blog. I also enjoy YOUR music, and those who have those neat players, I sit and listen to a song or two. A journal that I read belonging to Jenny Dagle (who in NO WAY resembles the 'Jenny' I speak of when I talk of 'her') had some songs that I took a listen too. We share some bands in common, one of them being Camera Obscura. So I took a flier and 'You Tubed' the ones in her journal.

Some of the artist/ songs were familiar to me. Several weren't, one of them being Fleet Foxes. So I have been listening to her songs for the past week and a half, and guess who is the musical guest on SNL this week ..? FLEET FOXES! So I have a reason to stay up and watch the show!

Speaking of 'playlists', 'Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist' was a cool movie. And other than a brief conversation, the last time I spoke to Tee Jay ...

SO IT WAS YOU WHO MADE YOUR DUE ...

I know what I feel, and I know how I feel. Don't know how SHE feels, but I do base my reaction to her choice of actions. She has a problem with returning calls, and does not initate contact (so she doesn't go to the free throw line too often!), so I have no real idea of what is on her mind.

That is okay, because I know what is on mine. I want to be happy, and right now, I don't think that is going to happen here in Detroit. I put in a bid for Valentine's Day, and I have already decided that the place I would have taken her, is best saved for Nebraska (should she find her way out her), KT (who will be here for two weeks this summer), or 'the man we all know and love ... ME!'

Might have mentioned this ... one of the things that have kept me from really going back after someone I have dated, is that because the relationship didn't occur in a vaccum, they had to have done something that contributed to its failure ... 49.9% or just that missing tenth that kept it from working ... have you addressed it?

In other words, I would ask people 'What's my motivation?' (actually, someone told me that ... and I gave it to 'em!) ... and until I was in my thirties, I did not have the motivation to want to see you after we've said 'see you'. In fact, my line which is borrowed as well, goes "See you later, unless I see you first!"

When I do the math and run the formulas and work out the equations, with respect to all the theorems and postualtes, I come up with the same answer, which is LEAVE TOWN AND LET THAT BE THAT. In short, I feel like she would have to give ME the reason to do some thing that would be extrodinary for me.

And even though I have blabbed about this (mainly cause it is winter, and I am bored), I haven't had a change of heart in the least ... prolly just felt more like writing than anything.

Okay ... here we go!

PROGRAM CHANGE

Sometimes, I 'talk' to myself, when I need to be objective with my personal observations. But because we all share the same life, I don't want people to think that something that may be similar in their day to day, is what I am sorta talking about, when I am truly talking about myself. So there will be a lot more 'I' and 'me' in my entries.

THE PLACE WHERE I COME FROM

It is difficult to overcome some of the pressures from childhood. I think that I have an healthy enough ego, and think a lot of myself, with maintaining an outward modesty. Whenever someone observes something about me, I tell them that is only because they are 'here', and not 'out there'.

If you are 'out there', you don't know that I think I am the smartest guy in the room, or that I could knock you unconscious with a punch, or any of the things that I am proud of. The only people who know this, are the people that can get that close to me ... and they are few.

I could make a very good case for THIS, through journaling, being the only time that I felt like I have had 'friends'. And that is for real, not for pity. I have not missed what I never had. Trying to wish for friends in high school and stuff, is to open up other 'unintended consequences'. I have always known that when you 'monkey's paw' or 'Pet Semetary' for what you would rather have had happen, you aren't going to get what you think you will.

Though I have never had a bunch of friends, I am a friendly cat. I look and watch, and your happiness is my happiness. I have mentioned how when someone has something good happen to them, I feel like I move up in the line. This is my perspective, and I like to think that it works. I have had my shots at the things that I want, and that is that for that.

WHY I DON'T GET LONELY

Being human, I guess it happens sometimes ... had my 'moment' this week and apologized for it. But in the tradition of 'the two minute hate', when I say 'moment' that is just what it was. I WON'T feel sorry for myself, and I WON'T let myself feel miserable. PERIOD.

I have been feeling good for a while, but the effort that it took to feeling good, was begun way back in the summer of '07 ... and this is something that a lot of folks don't understand, why Bobby Knight was right. It was a tough job, getting here. When I decided to make myself happy, I put out some objectives, then wrote down how I was going to reach them. Then I went about making it happen.

Trusting in yourself is important too. Because like the line in the Billy Joel song, whether you have someone or not, "Either way it's O.K. you wake up with yourself ". I don't mewl, when I wish for company ... I go to sleep, play video games, watch the telly, what ever it takes, and I don't beat myself up about it. 'Get over it', is for real, and that is what I DO.

It took a little bit to get over the scarring left by my ex wife. May have been married to My Delta Girl, and 'champeen of the Star Federation'. Pecan Sandie is for real, an 'Art School Girl', and either her, or Tee Jay had nothing left to show me, in order to be my wife, so what happened?

I happened.

Christine Beatty's pastor (she of 'l'affair de Kilpatrick) said of her problems, that "Mistakes are accident. These are character flaws." That statement echoes a sentiment that I think I share, which is why when I screw up, I grab it and put it in my bag, because it is mine, and I will either have to fix it, or take it somewhere to be fixed. But I won't ever, ever, ever, sit around, whining about what I have screwed up. When I put in my profile, 'lovable mess', there are those who could rightly say 'he's full of sh*t'. And for them, that is what they know.

BUT I AIN'T TALKIN' TO YOU, I AM TALKIN' TO TIM!

Do you think I let what folks that say stuff like that bother me? I account for it, and drive on. That is something that I watch other folks who are in need of change in their lives for. Are they going to let the same people, with the same bad advice/habits/lives, sit around and keep them rooted to crap stuff? The level of thinking that brought you to your problem, cannot be the level of thinking that gets you out of it.

The reason "winning isn't fun, it is hard work", is that for real, it isn't. It is an acquired taste, and you have to be committed to it. Everyone wants the fruit from the tree, but who wants to dig, plant, fertilize, and make sure it grows and waits until it blooms? That is why everyone isn't a 'winner'. But once you accept that you do what you have to do, then you will find the 'fun' in winning.

There is a buy in that takes places ... Mookie refused to do it, and so, I am at my Dad's trying to win this 'get back into it' round in the fight for my life. Not to digress, but that is part of what is important in a relationship, the 'buy in'.

But before you can do that with someone else, you have to do it with yourself! I get up and I say that I am going to do what is best for me today ... then go out and do it!

When I mention that I've 'tried to feel bad', that is also for real. I won't let myself 'feel bad'. To save on energy, I take to heart, the 'too blessed to be stressed' ideal. What gets me, is how many people have great circumstances, and don't acknowledge them, preferring to waste away in the tired process of wanting something without offering anything in return for it.

Or, simply not doing what they can, in order to help life get them what they want.

Missing being in a bad situation ... there is NOTHING about the person that I have left, that is going to make me long for them. Since I made the choice, it may mean that I am not finished developing on my lonely. Let me work on that first, before I really 'stretch out and wait' for someone to enter my life.

RUNNING LONG, I KNOW ...

... but because I had to get used to being 'on the outside' of cliques, becoming the 'in be-tweener', I never expected wide acceptance. I fixed my mind to try to please myself, and hope for just one person to want me like I want them. For me, to miss having someone to go to movies with, is to shame all the movies I have seen by myself, or the events and things that I have done, alone.

To want company, would mean so many other things, that I don't want to sit and say 'waahh, I am lonely and I wish someone was here to be with me!' Because if you are coming from a broken relationship, I would think that you would want to put 'company' on hold, and think about what YOU DID, to deserve that ... because no matter how crap Mookie was, I had to have DONE SOMETHING to have gotten from her, what I got. Now, I may disagree with the cost, but can't dispute that I was part of what became a irreconcilable difference.

Besides, when it comes down to it, 'I love me some me!' (winks!) If you can't say that to yourself, then fake it until you believe it! And you will stop being lonely, and start to find the pleasure that abounds in your life. That is what I do.

The Dark Destroyer

CHILL AS CAN BE ...

... but I am tired of seeing Adam 'Pac Man' Jones and glad that the two focus points of the Kwame Kilpatrick case are doing their bids.

Call me what you like (except late for dinner... hey, I am prolly doing the cooking!), but both cases exemplify the kind of stereotypical behaviour that I hope is becoming a thing of the past for real, locally and nationally.

Did not think there were many simply ignorant fellows like Adam Jones still inhabiting the higher levels of professional sports. Loud, annoying and arrogant, yes. But this kind of ghetto stupid? He is only 25, but in the interviews, not only doesn't seem aware of how in the wrong he is, and how inappropriate his behaviour is. His surroundings haven't changed, haven't evolved with his development.

I think that is what eventually did in Kwame Kilpatrick. I wasn't around or aware of anything he did in Michigan politics, but when you play the race card in Detroit, you still score big points (contrast that to the recent national election, where you got drummed out for hinting at the ol' racial typing, and you can imagine how out of step MoTown is), and can use 'being black' (read: empty of real vision and point back to 'glorious days' of never happened) and ghetto-fied as a way into leadership position.

The folks they ushered in with the Kilpatrick administration, from his unbe -weavably inappropriate Mom to the other clowns on the City Council (note to Martha Reeves ... they tore down Tiger Stadium)...

... the thing these two cases make me more aware of, is that if you don't change your environment, you aren't really serious about changing yourself. Sometimes it means you manage it differently, spending less time here than than there, and giving less of an audience to certain people. If they fall off, it is okay. Keep to your script, let them write their own.

... ah, that is just Nigel Benn

That was his ring name, cat from England. 'The Dark Destroyer'. I used to like him, because he was a rough, free swinging puncher from England. Loved to watch him fight, win or lose. Did hurt a cat I knew in a big fight ... the irony of that particular match was that Nigel was getting it handed it to him FOR FREAKIN' REAL ... I mean, how he survived what was being put on HIM was amazing.

Tragic, and I think it took a lot of his heart out of the sport. But man, he was just what his nickname said ... loved the way he fought, and there were moments when I would 'channel' his style in the ring.

Looking at myself in the mirror after my shower the other day, I thought about boxing, and going after someone like Nigel, with wide, clubbing punches and the impact making a 'whoomp, whoomp' as they connected.

I do the same with 'Iron Mike', when I shadow box. I remember I would tell cats I used 'the Wu Tang' boxing style when asked! But Nigel was fun, fun to watch and fun to 'be'.

AM I GOING TO GO OUT ...

... to get a paper? I did get a couple of hours of sleep in, have showered, but not gone outdoors. I can feel the chill through the walls. The real issue is there isn't anywhere to 'go' you feel me? Even in the provencial town I once jogged 'round, I could go to Meijer's and sit and chat with folks. Here, it is an hour ride to the nearest one ... pretty much that far to anywhere I would want to go.

The sense of community is hard to have when it is so cold. Or is it there aren't any spots for people to gather? You know, cafes and stuff like that. No need to make a Mickey Dee's run, though I wouldn't mind making my crush, blush! I do think she is cute as well as 'cute' as she shyly smiles at me. Sorta fun, her co workers teased her when I came in, and 'made' her take my order.

Nothing else going on here, or more importantly, in the hallways of my mind. Being comfortable with yourself, can ally fears of being by yourself. Being alone and being lonely is very different. Maybe I will entertain myself by talking about the two. We will see.

The rarest night

CAUSE I CAN SLEEP THROUGH ANYTHING ...

... but if I do wake, I am up! Woke up about three this morning, FOR NO GOOD REASON. So I signed on, checked mail, returned some, started reading ... will prolly do that for today, as there is NOTHING ON MY AGENDA!

Did get my 'offical layoff' from the hotel Friday! So I could have been staying at nice hotels around the country at a discount ... dag on that, for real!

FOOTBALL ... YOU BET!

The reason that I remark about football games on the telly, is that watching football has been something I make time out for, since always. I can only remember watching from kickoff to gun a hand ful of games this season ... OSU-Wisconsin (it's a party state!), Texas - Tx Tech, and the Fiesta Bowl featuring Texas and OSU. It sort of bothers me, but not necessarily a BOTHER.

I have a notion that when people make real changes in their lives, space opens up as they transition from one way of thinking and doing, and begin another. I try not to dwell too much over the choice to become 'new' ... but I also keep in mind that I don't want just anything to fill in the seemingly empty spaces in my life.

Still haven't had a 'real' NPR weekend either. It isn't something that I am supposed to 'try' to have, as much as it should happen. That it seems to be something I have to tell myself to do ... makes me ask the question, 'What is taking its place?'

Were it not for NPR weekends, I wouldn't have gotten to know Nebraska. I liked the structure of my time from back then, my 'pre-Mookie' days. Get up, go run ... then get some coffee and sit and listen to 'This American Life' as I ate cookies and posted on message boards ...

THOUGHT I SHOULD MENTION

... speaking of Nebraska, I think that our relationship has gotten a little deeper. It could be me, and I have no idea if she bothers with this mess here, so I feel comfortable in speaking about this. I think we will be alright, being in the same town together. As to deeper relevations regarding 'us', that is for another time.

GETTING INTO 'TROUBLE'

That is what I have always called it, when you go out without a reason to be out. Not that you are going to get into anything, but you are going to find something to get into, a street fair in the summer, or ride through a park when the snow is fresh.

Had a weekend where doing nothing was perfectly acceptable. The only reason I am here writing, is something woke me ... no, I simply woke up. Not trying to get 'into trouble' here either, by thinking up some stuff to write about. Other than Florida winning the BCS (just don't mention it to the folks in Texas, Utah and SoCal!), State stuffing the Jayhawks, not too much else going down for me this weekend.

I will prolly still cheer Big Ten when I get to Nebraska. But I am a mess when it comes to loyalties like that. I mean, I don't care for Florida, but I do hope Tim Tebow does well. They say he isn't a 'pro' quarterback, and that may be so. But cats like him know how to win and inspire people to do their best. As long as he isn't a Detroit Lion, he will be alright.

Hopefully I will go see 'Gran Torino' this weekend, possibly with the Fly Skimmie. She emailed me this week, saying that I still haven't met her for coffee ... okay, okay, I am going to make time out for her. But she lives in western Oakland County, and that is more than a stones throw away. It is a different universe from where I am at, and the there is a vast emptiness between us. For her to come fetch me, then for us to go back 'out' for coffee, and then her dropping me home, is asking a bit much. That is why I have been slow in trying to go out there. Long ride 'to', and the 'from' part could be dicey ...

... hmm ... sounds more like an excuse not to see her. Wonder why that is, as if I hadn't guessed by now.

Random Thoughts

I'D GIVE 'EM A SHOT!



Sitting around on a Friday that we are supposed to get a ton of snow ... needed to go run, but I DIDN'T. Instead, I made breakie and hung around the house. Perhaps I will run in the mid afternoon, because I do want to get one in, especially if it is as bad as all that. Don't let the city money woes fool you ... they have RARELY plowed the streets, INCLUDING some of the major streets! Never understood that about Detroit.


Still don't have the link thing down, but recently DB over at Vagabond Journeys made a cool post about writing and how it is like having homework every day. I guess it is true, because I find all sorts of things to write about, but I let a lot of stuff go (and we will get to that in a bit, promise!), and keep on stepping.



Now, AKA and I have begun to talk again. We had stopped talking from the first week of October until 23rd of December. I let her know why I decided to cut her out of my life, and that I was good with that. See, I don't know if anyone knows it or not, but boxing has left me with injury, and sometimes 'things happen'. One of those things is that my short term memory can be sketchy(this, is the 'getting back part). I think that is why I lost the job at the hotel, missing a shift. Anywho, she said something that in effect, was like saying I selectively claim my disability. Cool.


... no really, you WOULDN'T like to see me when I am angry



At that point, no matter what I was feeling for her, no matter how highly or how much I valued her in my life, meant that she was no longer a person that I wanted in my life. Period. She would go to Florida for a couple of weeks, and when she got back in November, she was persona non grata.



Many of us have something. A crap trait or flaw, skewed perspective or sense of self ... something that makes us imperfect. 'Even a chipped cup has its usefulness.' So I have always tried to see the benefit in someone, rather than their impairment. Though as for that, I have had to do more filtering ...



... and AKA was getting caught up in the filter.



I put on my velvet glove, and I told her what I thought of her, and her confused, underachieving ways. Also I told her how it contrasted not only with my hopes, but who I am really. One of the things that I believe in, is that 'getting there' is full of double-backs and detours. The more you can have something you can depend upon, someone you can rely on, the better off you are.



So I told her, that I could no longer depend upon her in her role as a friend in my life. With that, I did dismiss her. Since it was on her initiative, she did get to have her final say.



In short, she apologized. She asked if I wanted to watch the football games at a bar in Ferndale this Sunday. She would have to pick me from church, but with a)the snow coming and b)no funding for the date, it is something that is less likely than it is probable. Not going to 'see' ... if it happens, it happens.

OTHER THAN THAT ...

I am doing quite well. One of the things I have started doing is 'eating what I buy'. Not going out for the quickie combo burger is how I can save money and watch what I eat. This is not saying I don't have some treats, but rather than spending money, I check to see if I have something I can eat ... like spreading nutella on some bread and letting that be that. Eating a bowl of oatmeal with raisins and chocolate chips to fill me up at night, may not be the best way to go about things, but it beats the alternative!

Today's video was suggested for me by You Tube. It is way cool, and it takes me back to college. There is a girl who is going to A&T ... man, when I found that out, a light went on in that area of my memory ... KT is there, and I still feel Greensboro, even if all I can really remember is running down Battleground Ave, and going to the Dessertery!

Enjoy y'all weekend!

Why I don't write

MY STORY

Knowing how it ends, is kind of a downer. I don't feel like stitching it together, and making it cohesive. Have discovered a lot about writing, and will keep trying on my own.

Thanks for reading! It was fun while it lasted!

EXPECT VICTORY

Which also means that you should prepare for what happens after you win. One of the observations that I have made, is how much more prepared for success, successful people are. It is part and parcel of what they do. Not only do they take advantage of the opportunity in front of them, but the one AFTER it as well.

That is because they know like Aristotle knew - 'Success is not a singular act, but a habit.' Is it any wonder that people who have lives that they are unhappy with, find themselves in miserable situations? How much have they really changed about themselves, that will let them understand how the things around them contribute to where they are currently.

Do they find and institute a process, a thinking that they can believe in, one that they can repeat and fall back on when they are climbing towards their goals?

Being 'not only the president, but a club member', I look at folks who have suffered similar losses, and wonder why they persist in living there, and letting the agony linger.

Married my ex-wife, who was essentially the first girl I saw 'off the boat' when I came home from the service. Had in mind that I wanted to get married young, and that is what I got. When it didn't work out, the lesson was, 'Next time, be more precise in what you ask for, you just may get it!' She was simply the wrong person for me.

Went to school in Carolina, and started to 'chase'. Was one of the most thrilling rides of my life, doing what I can't believe I was doing. But like other things that I have done and watched other do, it forever took 'can't' from my vocabulary. Like with the Presidential election, agree or no, you aren't able to look at 'impossible' the same way again, because ANYTHING is possible.

Three very important and dear people have transitioned in my life ... and because I remain, I have grown stronger for each experience. When my Best Aunt was called, I was too full of what I was doing to really 'feel' it. When my Mom was called, that was when 'my hair fell out', so to speak.

Last year, when my Brother got his orders, I had to believe I was ready. It made me look at my life and ask myself if this is all there is to it, and if not, what was I going to do about it.

MISERY LOVES COMPANY...

... but it is your choice to open the door. When it came to leaving Mookie, I took the idea of 'letting my experience work for me', and freakin' put it to use! I had an idea of what I was heading for, and could prepare for what was to come. Mind you, things did not go 'dress right dress and cover down', but few things do. I kept the goal in mind, and moved the hell on. Period. Doing the right thing, for the right reasons, is justification enough. The reason that you don't catch a lot of 'Mookie talk' is that I have chosen to put other things in the space left by that experience.

I can't go into how many times 'good stuff' have fallen into my lap. I think it falls there because I don't have that 'boo hoo' stuff from places that HURT ME more than it helped me, in the way of something better coming and finding its place in my life.

That is how I 'knew' the tone of my journal was going to change. A funny thing happens when I start working on what I want to go for ...

ACCORDING TO YOUR FAITH...

Because faith and spirituality is internal, can't recall a time where I felt assaulted by someones proselytizing. It isn't their decision what happens to me, they aren't high enough on 'chain of command' to make that call. It is within reason for them to show concern, but that is that about that.

Wisdom, in its infinite forms is available to all of us to use. I have kept the comment about 'faith' close to my heart, because it is about what DO you belief in? I mean, you can make your case about what lies beyond everything and all, but do you belief in yourself?

That is one of the more annoying traits a person can have around me, always 'schleprockin' through stuff. ENOUGH OF THAT CRAP, jeez. If you are in the States, and have access to a computer, then it kind of shoot holes in the 'poor me' story that you tell yourself.

Could really get into 'but you don't live in ...' but I won't. You know it, like I know it. I ride my bike past places and homes where light won't shine in, no matter how bright. But the home I go into to lay my head ISN'T one of them. That is why I have to have the outlook that I do. Everyday, someone from one of those 'abandoned by hope' places is going to make their splash somewhere.

I ask aloud, 'why can't I expect to make it happen for me?'. When I get no answer, I take it as 'believe that you can, and it will, Mark'. And that is what I do.

BIG FINISH

I have allowed the word 'try' to creep into my language. One of the reasons it did, is because I see so many people, who put the 'tough racket' in their lives as an excuse for not going out and getting after it.

When I tell my girls that it is better to have tried than it is to wonder, it will be from experience. Picking on both my ex and Mookie, in comparison, I would not say that they have 'tried' to do too much, even in maybe meeting Prince Charming. I don't think they tried to make themselves available for that.

This is not to say there is anything wrong with that. But to simply wait on things, and remaining stagnant yourself is not the way that it happens.

Which is why I want to go to Nebraska. If I can't find it here, then I need to get up and go to where I think that I can, right?

one day: A side by side direct comparison!

In with the New

WE WILL SEE


I have set my goals for the first half of the year, and going to stick to them. This first month is going to be huge, as it sets the tone for the rest of the year. Good starts lead to good finishes.

Won't be doing my 'catch up' as much as before, going back and reading what is going on with the rest of you like I have been. Am I that anal retentive? Occasionally, and that isn't cool. BUT what I will ask, and prolly leave in a few comments, is that if there is something that you want me to take a particular interest in, send it to my email, markonit@aol.com. This is an in-box, where secrets go to die, and whatever is said, will be between me and you.

Why am I making this request? Because we all have friends that we like to hear from, especially when facing certain kinds of question. But if it is on a day that this particular person doesn't read, what are you going to do?

Presumptuous? Maybe. But since I do consider y'all my friend, I wouldn't want to think that someone would like to hear from me, on a day that I am 'not around'.

THE COLOR AND THE SHAPE

A way cool CD by the Foo Fighters. I am 41 years old, and have been told enough by people at how I 'sound'. Which is cool, because in my head, I talk and sound like how I want to. But since I am sharing this, and I don't want to annoy or bother anyone unintentionally, I figure that I would make a 'disclaimer statement'.

Because life is hard enough, I try not to give it any extra help, by letting a lot of negative crap enter my mind.

This very second, I am looking at 'Principles', from the book 'How To Stop Worrying And Start Living'. I am going to read it, and apply it in my day to day life. For real.

Inevitably some of that 'positive crap' is going to spill out into my pages ... and I am like 'so'. Growing up in a big city (losing over 3/4 of a million folks in the last 30 years or so takes the 'metropolis' label away from Detroit), I don't have to apologize for thinking that better things lie ahead. It has to, because that is all that there is left. I have taken as much ownership as I can possibly think of for my life, so now I can expect that the good things I desire are once more available for me, and I will look for them in my life.

THE MINUTE WE BEGIN CARRYING OUT OUR DECISION ...

One of the biggest reasons I hadn't ever made 'official' resolutions, is that there is a collective psychic cloud around the idea of a 'resolution'. Because they are a 'resolution', they almost are doomed to fail. Life choices, aren't something that you make after choosing crap behavouir and in the emotional chaos of the supposed season.

IMO, this is when people tell themselves the biggest lies, make the biggest emotional mockery of themselves. I tie it into false sense of pride. Whatever someone's issue or goal is, I think that they have a problem with humbling themselves to it, and then challenging it and themselves to overcome it.

Sports is about achievement, about facing that thing you cannot do and doing it, as Elanor Roosevelt alluded to. But there comes a LOT of work. 'Want' should be paired with 'earn', so that instead of saying that 'I want to have that', it should be 'I want to earn that'.

In realistically setting a goal, you will have doubts, and you will have questions. What if the choice you made was mistaken, and you are going in 'the fog of effort' ('fog of war' while an excellent documentary, would have been a little over the top for use in a diary!) blind ...

... that is why I mentioned, 'if you want my particular opinion, ask ME'. Because you have to have people who you can rely on, for good, strong advice. So you choose folks who you can depend upon ... and as I have come to think I can rely on you who are readers, I want those to know that they can rely on me.

Once you have 'crossed your T's and dotted the I's', then off you go, into what Clauswitz calls '... the shadows of uncertainty.'

Now, whatever 'smugness' or 'Stuart Smalley' stuff you read here, is for real in my life. Being this old, I need to use that 'I could give a sh*t' attitude for people who want to tell me that I can't expect of be the way that I have chosen to be.

Besides, I just know better.

MISSION CREEP

The wikipedia entry on the subject is way cool, and gives a great example. For me, I got it when reading about Vietnam as a child.

For me, the line shoot for the stars, land on the moon' also fits. But I have enough 'pollyanna' in me. My Mom actually talked 'rough' with me, and that was cool. Because when you are actually on the front, just as there are no atheist in foxholes, there also aren't any innocents either. So 'mission creep' it is.

It is going to happen. And that is why you have to fight not only to stay focused, but to stay positive as well. 'Mission Creep' is what happens, IMO, when you get to where you want to, and you didn't actually believe you would get there. Those 'surprises' are mostly unwelcomed, and tend to complicate things.

You want to lose weight, but there is a big bake sale at the church or with the Jaycees. Or you have promised not to talk to the guy who drug your heart thru the mud, and something reminds you of him or you run into one of his friends at the Multiplex. You said that you are going to be on time for school, and you are still hanging out late on Sunday night ... after all, you have spent the last week, month, two months avoiding and fighting the urge to do something on your 'bad list'.

Not only that, you are feeling good, and you have done what you were suppose to for the entire time ... what could one little slide back do ..?

Well, I will tell you that, when next I get out here!