For real, maybe it IS time

ONE YEAR WITHOUT YOU ...

... and I can't forget. Two years with out you and I still haven't gotten over you yet!

That is an exaggeration, as I was channeling my inner Belinda Carlisle (isn't that one of the coolest names!) and the line from the Go-Go song, 'Vacation'. Been a year since I have seen Nebraska ... six months since I left Mookie. Good enough, then. Good enough time to run a 'check'.

SO WHAT CAN YOU TELL THEM?

First, want to get into a phenomenon that I have run into with some sister girls (more on that, later). They apparently are 'infallible' to the point of omnipotence, as long as they are not applying that knowledge to their own lives. When it comes to that, they are as lost as all get out.

Thinking about Mookie, and for the first time I am going to take her out to the wood shed, I think she has screwy priorities. She wants the wrong stuff in her life, material things. Now don't get me wrong, I like nice things too (several folks have called me names like 'label whore', when describing my tastes), but I let go my Bentley dreams around my 4th of 5th loss, and Pecan Sandie couldn't help me steer my career out of the rocks.

IMO, you start getting real with those sort of idealizations once you turn 30. Fine and well that you want to pursue that dream of yours, but might be time to check for messages, because life may be trying to get a hold of you.

See, some of the things Mookie wants, she should have been working on that YEARS AGO. There have been all sort of stories where someone in her circumstance, from her background, made 'it' happen for themselves. They went to school, the worked hard, they raised their child(for some -ren) and got after it.

Still waiting on Prince Charming, is not realistic. Didn't want to rain on her parade, but he isn't gonna be at some 'Booty Shake' club, to whisk you off his phat Benz or Rolls ... nope, not gonna happen.

So, what do you tell someone like that?

MAKE THE BIG TIME WHERE YOU ARE

Can not, CAN NOT stress that enough. Where ever you are, what ever you are doing, make the most of what you have. As I have gone hither and yon, here and back again, that is what I find most common to those who are pleased with themselves and their lives. They make the big time out of the time they have.

By no means am I suggesting that anyone settle. I don't think that is 'what's what' either. Yet certainly there is a point where a person has to start being real with themselves.

Mookie should have done better in school. She should have went to college, got a degree, and met that Mr. Man and bought that sch-wheet house out in Haslett or Rochester, or where ever the folk purchase their 'safe and stable homes'.

She could have done a lot of things, if that is what she wanted. One of the things that I DON'T think she did, is work for it.

FAIR PLAY

I guess, being halfway to eighty, I can take a peek at some of MY 'shoulda, woulda's'. I have never failed to admit to myself my complicity in my own circumstances. There are REASONS I am back at my Father's house.

I DID NOT get the best grades, instead letting my school's rep speak for me, and doing just enough to get by.

I DID NOT suck it up when I was stationed in a place I used to call 'a sh*thole town', and let that move me out of the service.

And yes Mabel, I DID KNOW I was marrying the wrong woman ... got blond-itis or something.

Of course, I can go on and on. Yup, I know enough about why I am here ... my thing is, why don't the Mookie's of the world know why THEY ARE where they be, savvy? Crowding up the queue's to see the latest take on 'Waiting To Get Her Exhale Groove Back' movie as the authoress (for whom it DID NOT WORK FOR EITHER) further bashes the same BLACK MEN her audience is going to have to cook or sleep with on Oprah ...

... you get the picture. That sort of behaviour is of the 'spite the nose' vein, is it not?

IMO, this sets the table for a cycle of failure, of low expectations not being met, of modest goals still beyond reach.

A BIT OF A RANT...

... or tough love. Again, six of one ... Going to 'stick' with this for a bit. May get a little ugly, and uncomfortable.

Kung Fu Mega Frustrations

THE GREAT RED DRAGON AND THE LADY CLOTHED WITH THE SUN

Anyone remember the TV movie? I think it had William Petersen in it. I liked it a lot. The remake of that movie, starring Ralph Fiennes and Edward Norton was no joke, either. The scene when Fiennes drops his house coat to show the imprisoned reporter his 'tattoo' of the image to the left, was intense to me.

The whole scene was reminscent of what I think Conrad drew on, with 'In The Heart Of Darkness'. That scene encapsulated Fiennes descent into madness. I also thought it was very deep how the homicidal monster had brief moments of sanity, a sanity that was even more unstable that his madness!

I sorta a feel like that right now. Only I am clinging and fighting to hold on to myself. Opening up ancient feelings, and no way to take away the pain (there isn't a 'hurt' ... hurt goes away in my world; pain lingers), looking forward to the see an endless gray horizon, unbroken in its dreariness. But I have to continue with my plan and this process.

One of the reasons that I put my story out here, is to 'claim my life'. I think you have to state what you want to the world, sorta 'chaos theory' kind of thing, where your action sets the machinery in motion. When the first few people started to read, I began to expect things to work, becoming what it is I know is there but cannot yet see with my eyes.

Reading journals, and seeing 'pieces' of life that have the either the color, or the a familiar shape of something in mind, is confirmation of something that I always 'felt' but I can now say that I know -- there is only one life, and everything in mine, is somewhere in yours. Whether it is direct, or by degrees of seperation, it is there.

In fact, it happened today. I connected with someone in Carolina, who has some roots in Buffalo ... like Nixxie. Same stuff just goes round and round in life. The ceaseless spinnings of man.

ABOUT NEBRASKA

The person. Did I mention that our 'relationship' is mostly one way traffic? Did you also not know, that it has ALWAYS been that way?

But I liked her alot ... I mean A LOT. I have never been daunted by someone initially not being in to me, because that is something that I have grown used to. Sometimes, being an 'acquired taste', isn't all that cool. Right now, I feel uncool, asking if I am purposely doing this to myself. Unrequited feelings are cool in the pulp, romance novels and the crap pop and r&b songs ... not so cool in real life.

YET ... despite this, I have adopted as part of my approach, because at one time in my life, I felt it necessary. I have always thought that I would have to 'grow' on someone, and set things up by being forward with how I feel, and then acting in a direct manner, according to those feelilngs. The risks seemed justified, because I ended up 'getting' more that just more often.

But now ... I am not so sure if I want to do that. Going out west, my feelings are that I can deal with her not being interested in furthering a relationship. But something else is squirrely about this, and some of it IS her, but a lot of it is me.

I don't like feeling like this, wondering about what's what and all. Coping with my anxieties without medication is a secret conceit of mine. I am glad for it, because the side effects worry the hell out of me. But it means I have to let go of some things. When you are doing something like that, stuff will rush to fill in the void.

But what? What is going to pool in the cavities left by the things removed?

A few times I have mentioned that going out west, Nebraska would have to initiate things. But in a 'sports as life' metaphor, when I boxed as a counter puncher, it was done because I was looking at the openings revealed by your attitude, and I would counter with better than your attack.

Doing this, I had confirmation of the speculation of your talents, your stregnths. And your weaknesses.

I don't judge, I just move the hell on. That is why I can't blast Mookie, my ex wife, but I can rend myself to pieces in self-flaggellation (you have to LOVE a thesaurus! I used to read them as a child, coming up with moments to drop some knowledge!). Revenge IS living well without you, FOR FREAKIN' REAL.

THAT SAID ...

... I feel a lot better. I want to believe in the magic of life, as I acknowlege that it takes a bunch of work to make magic. People think that stuff happens, abracadabra. It doesn't. That is what sports teach. That is what the military teaches. That is what VICTORY teaches, that it is hard work. When you are committed to working hard, THAT is when mircales happen.

No, it isn't easy but then it isn't hard either. Nike's 'Just Do It' ethos really says it all, does it not. You want it? Just do it!(uh oh ... TANGENT ALERT!)

RANDOM THOUGHTS

SLUGGISH FIRST WEEK

I have always thought that you need to have a good start, to create the momentum that will carry you thru the inevitable lulls to come before you 'get there'. What do you do, when you stumble thru the start?

My bike has been griefin' me, with flats and everything. That has thrown me off, as well as the weather. Last winter was sooo hard, and I feel it in my bones. So I am not as willing to get out and into it as I am normally. This is reflected in my running times, as I haven't been able to pick up any speed. I guess I don't want to be out there.

Still, a slow start doesn't mean that it is time to chuck the whole process. In a 'sports as life' example, the NY Giants were stumbling through the early part of their season last year, and they ended up winning the Super Bowl. That momentum has clearly carried on this season, as they are still performing at a high level.

The lesson? Do NOT abandon your plan once it has been well thought out and do not change your goals if you are determined to get there. Period.

HAPPY

And that is what I am after most of all. Yeah, me and about a kabillion other people. I used 'kabillion' because I have always thought there are more happy people than not, and didn't want to 'jinx' the level of happiness in the world, by an erroneous estimate.

When I speak about the 'things I want', I leave that out. It is because, in its simplicity, it is the most complex item to describe. What is going to make you happy? Who really knows? I have never thought of 'happiness' as a thing, but the path you walk in your life. The sum of ones life should make a person 'happy', not a thing or an accomplishment. The sense of fulfillment that you get from reaching AND the maintenance you do along your path, is what makes you happy.

Oh, I don't know exactly what my happiness is, and that isn't a bad thing. We CAN'T know everything. I do know what I think. What is going to make me happy is just out of reach, close enough for me to keep after it, but far enough to where I have to stretch to brush against it. As it should be, to make me strive and work to achieve it.

I am open to suggestions! Don't get me wrong, because not only do I describe myself as a 'lovable mess', I love the mess I have made! Sometimes, I think that it gets a little contradictory because some of what I would like NOW, was in my life THEN. But the 'Run 'n Shoot' offense was the thing in my mind, and hey ...

One of the things I wonder, is if I am feeling 'proud' of some of those days. I mean, I smile when I think of some of them!! Now I have three girls who are going to have to fend off 'offensive co-ordinators' on their own ... irony, ain't it grand? One of the first things that helped me out was to REALLY forgive myself, and when I did that, I felt that what I wanted was possible.

HOLIDAYS

It isn't that I am a grump or carry hard feelings, but I don't care for the forced celebrations that occur during holidays. On the real tip, for the majority of my life, I have been thankful when I wake up. There is a smile on my face when I get to the shower!

I try to treat everybody well, and if I am out and thinking of you, then I may do something THEN. Therefore, it is 'hard' to be more of myself. I am not more thankful on the 4th Thursday of November than I was on the 3rd Tuesday of Februrary. I go outside in the rain just like I do in the sun.

When I was with Mookie, getting together with her peeps was interesting to me, because of the 'cat talk' that goes on most of the year, but now erry body was smiling in each others face. See, I think there ARE families where everybody gets along, aren't judgemental and really enjoy seeing each other. Hutch is part of such a family. So is Nixxie and KT.

Okay, so you aren't going to have a 'Very Brady Christmas'. But I have always wondered what do people do that keeps them from having the holiday that they want? Sort of what keeps them from having the LIFE that they want. The level that THEY PARTICIPATE in making something happen isn't there to make things the way they want them to be. When it doesn't happen and they start pointing at everything but themselves.

That is something 'those people' repeat in their daily lives as well. And they wonder why they are where they don't want to be.

COLLOQUIALISM AND PATOIS

One of the reasons that I don't care for slang, I think goes back to being picked on as a child. It was the language of bullies, and of ignorance. But slang has its place in communicating thoughts effectively. So I put up with it. Some.

Folks who know me, always raise an eyebrow when I blurble some phrase that I may have heard on MTV or picked up from a rap song. Even when I use one in my writing, it is almost always tongue in cheek.

Almost.

Sometimes, when I need to speak to people 'up close and personal', I might use a street idiom. But I am not smiling. Someone better call Adlai Stevenson to negotiate, because one false move and ...(oh, and the same when I get profane. I am so besides myself with anger then ...)

I pick up words and phrases ... some from the journals I read, others from books and it goes without saying, songs. Twist 'em around and put them down and claim it as mine!! There's no copyright that says I can't, is there?

I take words, put them in a pot and mix them up like a gumbo! Not to impress myself, but to make me feel good. To think that I was able to get what was inside me out, is quite a feat.

Guys that can draw like Russ, or play music, I have always been envious of. To create something out of the nothingness in the space between ... that is so supercool. This second, I am watching the video that I posted of the Radiohead song, 'All I Need', set to the film 'Microcosmos'.

I had wanted to see the film when it came out. I think it would be a cool date movie. Could have seen it at the Main in Royal Oak and walked across the street to whatever restaurant there (and yes, I would have stopped at Astoria too!), and talk and let our minds breathe.

WHAT IS STREET CRED?

And if you don't have it, do you need to go and get it? I am becoming verklempt just at the thought of not having it!! That's the topic ... DISCUSS!

Chillin'

JUST AS LONG AS WE'RE TOGETHER

When the show 'Eli Stone' came on, I was like all in, because I still use music to say for me what I feel. I also liked the 'vision' aspect of things, because all my conscious life, I have believed 'if you can't see it, you can't be it.' That is why I stay positive, and if I am going to struggle, it is going to be a struggle in staying expectant and positive.

Man, it is such a crap, default position to look at the negative and wallow in that. What is the freakin' use of getting out of bed, if all you are going to do is Schleprock your way thru EVERYONE'S day?

So when I was a kid and heard the song 'Just As Long As We're Together' by, I had an idea of the kind of relationship I would want to have. I wanted to feel like that, like 'just as long as we're together, everything gonna be alright'.

I am not scared (another word, that I put next to 'fear' and 'tired' ... like Eric B, I am never scared!!) to tell someone how I feel. When Pecan Sandie and I got together, I was in a pickle with my managers and with Nixxie. She listened, and did her best. It was with her I realized that I was still hurting over my marriage.

This kind of thing, IMO, goes on with more guys than people would think. But it goes under reported, and gets swept under by the attention grabbing things that happen between men and women. Acting out of pain, means you are like a relationship 'Typhoid Mary', carrying the hurt and the pain from the previous relationship that hurt you. I was still hurting from my marriage ... I thought I was immune.

Pecan Sandie was passionate with her emotions. She is a smart, creative, artsy girl and did not mind that I could help her in the kitchen. It has always, always, been one of the great mysteries to why women say they want someone who can appreciate that there is more to life than football on Sundays, then try to emasculate someone for being able to dish with them about 'What Not To Wear'.

I am sure that I create a strange mix for a lady. But in studying patterns in my life, the relationships that I have warm feelings for, were with understanding, aware, women. Sandie, is one of those kinds of women.

STAY

If I were to detail things between her, Lexxie and I, you'd want to slap me in the face. Worse, I would let you. The excuse that I used at the time, was that sometimes her 'passion' sometimes would reach a boil ... and it reminded me of a time where boiling emotions spilled over.

She admitted to her part ... and she tried. Did I try? What does it matter? Like Yoda told Luke, "Do or do not. There is no try". And I didn't.

When I did come home, I had some coin in my pocket ... wasn't what it could have, or maybe should have been, but as stakes goes, it was pretty good. No one would have turned it down if I gave it to them. Had my beloved 300zx and a nifty lil' BMW 320i for the material show stuff. I was comfortable, as far as worldly things.

But my heart ached.

AND THE CHOICE IS YOURS

From the Black Sheep song, 'The Choice Is Yours'. I will prolly elaborate on that later, gator. But it's true, the choice is yours. I don't know if too many people who wonder why it isn't happening for them, know it is about the choices you make.

Sitting around, kinda like now, I opened up and looked inside of myself, to see what was in there. There was some good, and some less than good stuff to be found. Moved what I didn't want in there, out. Put other stuff on the top shelf. Got the geared up to go get the things I didn't have, and determined that I wouldn't stop until either I got it or ... well, you know.

Remebering how I first saw Tee Jay, not wanting to talk to anyone, let alone try to date again, preferring to slip into my 'inner Nigel' (yes, yet ANOTHER reference to another song!), instead of being confused and uncertain, I stepped up and did what it is I do.

Which is how it came to where it made sense for me to ride from the 48227, with a bunch of flowers to 48235. I needed to 'do what it is I do'. There isn't anyone else who is thinking about her the way that I do. When I showed up, on a surprise, the look on her face was worth braving the weather.

See, when I 'introduced myself' formally (formal intro's, one's where you 'air out the laundry' should be done on the third date and prior to 'bunking up'), I told her about everybody who mattered to me, Skye, KT, and Lexxie and our relationships. Told her that I visited my babies in Carolina and Georgia (we didn't start doing 'home and home' until the girls were 5) and that I am not going to be 'ho'-ing around for the rest of my life. Looking for a commitment means you have to be willing to commit. I am there.

So that was the gauntlet I threw down. I want to be in something that is going to last, and I was going to stay. Since my hands hurt, it means that I've been typing too much. Needless to say, Yoda was right -- had I been a 'go', I wouldn't be writing this, would I?

And you wonder WHY ...

EXTRAPOLATION NOTATION

The video, an ad for the video game 'Red Alert 3: Command and Conquer' came up when I was crusin' You Tube. In the game, from what I can gather, the crumbling Soviet state is collapsing under its own weight, and are falling behind the Western collective (I am guessing), the Allies.

In a desperate move, three key members of the Soviet gov't go back in time to eliminate the man responsible for the military and technological advantage of the Allies - Albert Einstein! They accomplish their mission, return to set out against the Allies.

Meanwhile, as the two superpowers are engaged with each other, the third political force emerges, 'the technological cult, the Empire of the Rising Sun'! And worldwide conflagration ensues!!

While many other science fiction/futurist writers have described such a future, for my money, George Orwell and Alvin Toffler (as well as headache inducing Ayn Rand) are pretty much who I go by.

So everyone is blaming the Unions for the automakers plight, along with a inferior business model ... okay, about the business plan, but THE UNIONS? Look, I am not the only one who read Upton Sinclair's 'The Jungle', am I? That is what we would be looking at without unions protecting the workers. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A 'MIDDLE CLASS'. You either have, or you are sedated enough by what you can scrounge up in your ceasless, meaningless spinnings (said for dramatic effect!!) to be distracted from what the ruling class, those who sit above the fray, are doing.

Instead of making a case for how I think Western culture has been in 'decay' since Athens, and other gobbedly-gook that I didn't feel like researchin', I just arrived at the end point of my 'trip', by saying that I think the Big Three should get their help. Though I may agree with your 'ring strategy', Ken, I disagree with the benefits of bailing out the financial sector. I understand that it may perhaps have been necessary, but I don't think it is that much more necessary than keeping American's working. One begat the other, and in Ayn Rand's world, it is the man who can, not the man who can figure a way to make money off the man who can.

So in the route that I took simplifying my 'rant', led me to the 'bail out the workers' conclusion to save the illusion of the middle class. Normally I save this kind of stuff for a paragraph or two on some of the more insightful journals that dare to venture down the rabbit hole.

I have stopped doing that kind of thing. I want to get married. I want to go back to school. I want to see my daughters get married. I don't want to get caught up in all that kind of stuff. That was what my college years/pre-KT & Lexxie twenties were for.

Winston Churchill intimated that when you are a young man, you should be exposed to taking on such fanciful flights of the mind and acts. But should you survive into middle age, you should grow more conservative. For me, it means 'DUDE, YOU THINK TOO MUCH!'

So I don't think 'so much', so much. Besides, I have trouble remembering why I came down the stairs, and have to walk all the way back up to catch that remnants of that thought...

... and you want ME to explain why I feel the why I feel about the economic meltdown (oh, and that IS what this is)..? I think not! Tomorrow, I plan to get up, ride out to Tee Jay's house and leave some flowers for her, go out to Royal Oak and check out the Astoria on Main Street, then take my freezingly cold self home to watch the Texas Tech - Oklahoma game(please, oh please, let State upset State!).

Sunday, I am going to start reading Tony Dungy's book, 'Quiet Strength'. Did y'all know that he had to coach and work thru his son's suicide before the Super Bowl season? Don't even have the ability to imagine ...

Finally, looks like one of my fave shows, 'Millionaire Matchmaker' is going to be on ... good since 'Eli Stone' and 'Pushing Daisies' are doing just that ... pushing up daisies. Thought about watching 'Real Housewives ...' but each time I have turned that show on, my soul begins to weep!

As to that 'boxing strategy' I agree with you on Ken, that is for the other journal!!

Do You Like The Beautiful Girls?

Something that I stumbled upon during one of my forays on You Tube. I wonder how much this little thing cost, with all the production and the talent that is involved. Does this actually results in greater sales to the extent that the ad campaign is justifiable?

The soundtrack reminds me of one of my fave groups, the industrial band KMFDM. I don't know if I am describing their music correctly, but I find it to be based on a sort of ironic commentary on society, life and its inequity.

Pretty cool song though.

Oh, the irony is that the 'world' of this game, and Orwellian planet with three great military and social powers, IS ACTUALLY HERE. The ephemeral 'middle class', is being erased completely, as people can understand the mysterious 'why' of the financial bailout, but don't get what is in it for them if the auto industry gets some help. (man, Sage Steel is sooo cute!!)

One of the things that I find interesting, is many of the American people don't get what the financial crisis is about, but you let all the people and business that will flat out GO AWAY with Detroit falling, and you still have some that want to blame Detroit for its problems.

Talking with Tee Jay since I have been back, she has reminded me that I was against her purchasing a SUV, because it was unnecessary. They still are. But what did everyone buy?

So, you want Detroit to make more fuel efficient, smaller vehicles? Well BUY THEM! And when you want to talk about how we don't need to help the Big Three, remember that when you are stepping over families out in the streets of major cities, to get into your Honda.

Yes, it is that simple. Not only that, what is the griping about unions?

First, do any of you know where the term 'Reagan Democrat' was coined? It was used to describe the white working class here in Oakland County, just across the '8 mile Road' of the movie. They felt that their needs were being ignored for other, undeserving segments of society. I understood where they were coming from, and can't say that they weren't correct.

But they were mean spirited, and I think that is where 'ugly and mean' begin to make for a good position. And I think that being 'mean' is going to get people in more trouble than they are bargaining for.

The concept of a middle class is just that, a concept. You could well say either you have, or you have not. So much of the wealth of the country is tied up in so few hands, that when you rant and rave about what 'they' should do to help/not help 'them', don't get it twisted. The failure of the auto industry will touch YOU soon enough, either directly or 1st degree, with a family member feeling the pain.

When your favourite restaurant closes, or the big box store that once was so conveniently located is empty ... then you tell me why not helping people who are working at something concrete is bad, but aiding 'the smartest guys in the room' on WALL STREET is good, I will relax.

But I have seen the difference in working in a Union state v. non-Union. You would not believe the difference. The stuff folks put up with in Carolina and Georgia COULD NOT have happened in a Union environment. Like hot dogs and sausages, you don't want to know what is made of, but you do want to enjoy them.

Same with Unions. This situation illustrates to me the difference between the 'haves' and the 'rest of us'. Talk you into helping them out, then will convince you not to help out your neighbor, who is directly in line of your own best interests.

How can people 'hope' that bailing out the banks and all them is going to be good, but risking the direct employment of 3 million folks, and setting up domino's to fall in all sort of directions, is not?

I didn't think that I would ramble on like this ... thought I was going to do a short, fun entry. But what is on my mind, for real, is some higher level, ignoring Russ, type thinking ...

... hey, I haven't thought deep in a while. Hell, my life is pretty dull and whiny. Might go into the sad details soon, but this along with the military-industrial complex has been in my mind.

JIMINY CRICKET!!

THIS JUST IN

Rihanna is superNOVAWho ever did this, certainly was inventive. I'd never had thought that these two songs would blend as well as they apparently do.

I am not a fan of tattoos in general, let alone 'tramp stamps', but I would marry Rihanna if she had 'Chuck' on the small of her back! I would prolly be like, "The color sets so good with your skin tone, why bother with removal?"

THREE CONVERSATIONS

Mookie sent some mail down from the provincial town I once jogged 'round. In a case of letting my experience work for me, I called her and thanked her for sending it. Yes Angela, I have put in a forwarding order, but what else would you have me do?

I called and thanked her, asked about lil' Mook, who is in 9th grade and is on the girls b-ball team! I can't really put into words how I feel not being a part of her life. She was so much fun ...

So I made sure that I tethered myself to the present actuality and told Mookie that I missed her. She responded with surprise ... but that was that for that. I did not say, 'You know I still love you," or "do you think we can work on things". Nor did I leave anything 'hanging' as to a future call or anything of that nature.

Thanks for sending my mail, and happy Turkey day ... CLICK!

SKYES BRIGHTENED

So she DOES answer her phone! Mostly, I leave a voice mail once a week to ten days ... mixing in a letter or two as well. I won't get tired of trying to get back into her life. Nor am I going to get into a pissing match with her Mom either. Whatever they think will be left to them, I am just going to be me.

Felt super good to have her on the line. Now, I feel more comfortable about asking her out on a date. Problem with that is I don't drive ... and I don't want to pay for her Mom to chaperon us. Then again, I have to do what I have to do, right?

LAST CONVERSATION

Nebraska got miffed at me, because I 'misheard' something, which led to a misunderstanding and now has us not on good terms.

I am trying not to get my 'panties in a bunch', especially since hers obviously are. Mistakes occur, no one is perfect. Accept the apology and drive the hell on. Life is to darn precious, if not short, to be feeling ill about something unintended.

One of the things when you communicate thru a medium is that there is a chance for unintended interpretations to be made. If we were at lunch having the same discussion, there would have been no resulting anxieties. I know, because what started off as something simple, grew because the context wasn't there. Had we been face to face, the conversation results would have been different.

The problem of being quick to take offense is one of the reasons I try to 'slow burn'. I am so like, you know what you are trying to do, when you do something. Either you are trying to be mean and angry(read:selfish), or you are measuring things trying to see what someone meant.

The thing with the two previous conversations, is that I 'pumped my brakes' and made sure that I got around the course. Was not timed, so speed didn't matter as much as getting to the end safely. Again with Nebraska, I have stepped back, and will let her keep her own counsel for a few days.

Or weeks.

late, I know

got tagged with this like a week ago and i have been tardy in getting around to it.Six things you may not know about me ….The Rules …* Link to the person who tagged you * tressa @ storms whisper* List 6 random things about yourself* Tag 6 new people* Let each tagged person know by posting a comment on their blog* Link to the 6 people you’ve tagged* Let the person who tagged you know that you posted.

I once was licensed to drive HumVee's and 2 and-a-half ton trucks!! You know, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT, and I used to do it!!

Spelling mistakes? I won my 6th Grade spelling bee!!

Uh, I have driven a stolen car. Didn't do the hot wire thing, but I did ride and drive one.

That I really, really enjoy shopping. For ANYTHING. Just give me an excuse, and I will shop for it!!

Oooh! I skipped 4th grade? Some folks thought I may have been like a prodigy ... they should have thought again!!

I can't dance. Very, very, painful to watch. But I don't mind being silly for the right reasons!

One more from the service ... I was an expert shot coming out of basic training! I loved coming home telling people I could drop them from 3 football fields away! How cool is that?

Now, as to the passing this thing on ... I don't know how to link stuff up, and I can't bring myself to learn how, especially when I think it may intrude on some. Will suggest that Betty, Beth, Ken, Mary Jo, Randal and Russ if they are reading, that they join in!

SPARKLING

NEW CHARACTER

I finally asked 'Mickey Dee's' her name. Her face lit up, so she has been waiting to tell me for a while. When will I find out how long and when she noticed me? Don't know yet and I will have to figure that out first!

FLYING MISSIONS

That is what I call it, going out and meeting women. Sometimes they are 'impromptu', like how it was when I met My Delta Girl. When she 'appeared' in my life, it was sort of sudden, because she did appear suddenly ...

... a day after I had described her to one of my roomies in school. We were having one of our 'why do the sheep act the way they do, because they taste soo good!' conversations, and I'd described her from the top of her head to the shoes on her feet. Told my roomie that if I were to meet this girl, I would 'spit my best game' and be chill with her.

Did not know I would be 'flying out' the next day, but when she came into the store, I took off! I am a firm believer in the 'you get what you ask for' part of life. I need to make sure that I am going to ask for all that I really want and can be responsible for. You feel me? With several people (Delta, Sandie, Nebraska, and Teenage Mookie, I got what I asked for! Pretty good success rate, I'd say ... many NEVER come close to meeting their person ONCE) I have met the 'person' ...

For the most part, I fly solo and they are 'deep strikes'. I account for the anti-aircraft, usually by flying above it all, giving a literal meaning to the 'u can't touch this' MC Hammer song. It is hard for most women to 'peg' me, not because I try to deliberately 'be' anything. What happens is I 'manifest' and appear to someone in the best light that THEY can see me in.

That is the only way I can describe it, because off the rip, I haven't met too many women that were willing to let me be as I am (the notable exception being Pecan Sandie, and that may be a story for another time). Fortunately, I am quite versatile!

MR. CONTINENTAL

No, not Christopher Walken on 'SNL', though there is some elements of his character, 'The Continental' that he plays when he guest hosts' the show. No, I got my character from a 'Popeye' cartoon! Whether I anyone thought I was smooth and suave didn't matter, as I think that I am, or can be. I also like to think what my Army Sister (Happy Birthday Twin!!) said of me & my brother, that we have 'charisma' (and yes, it was like the character in the David Lee Roth 'Gigolo' video!) and even people who on the one hand would think negatively of us, if you asked them, when they actually had to meet us, it was different!

That is why I like putting things to the 'boots on the ground' test. No, don't say it over the phone or tell a friend to tell another friend to tell me, face me up one on one, and say what you want me to know. Because trust you me, I WILL have not a problem telling you my version of 'what's what'.

Hope I am not straying too much. I find it funny (well, it is to me) when folks thing I am a naive waif or something. No Trudy, I am not that cat! It's just that I tend to be on the 'sweeter' side of things. If I have to warn you about what could happen if ... that is sort of redundant, dontcha think? I mean if you hit me, you should know you run the risk of getting punched back, right? That applies for anyone. That the phrase, 'I don't start fights, but I do finish them', REALLY means a lot to me, goes without saying.

So I have grown up to be 'This Charming Man' instead of the person waiting, like the cat in 'How Soon Is Now?'. Que sera. Hopefully I am over it, as I have lived a love life that doesn't resemble anything 'pathetic' or 'sad'. Who gets the girl ..? I DO! One of the things that has made my adjustment to being back in Detroit, is that 'sparkling' or 'sparks' that come off my character.

ANOTHER LONELY CHRISTMAS

Not me, silly! But for a lot of people, and I can 'feel' them. I guess how I appear or 'manifest' to people, particularly women, is due to my empathetic (that is the $10 word of the day!) nature. I can 'feel' people and what they yearn for, almost as strongly as I feel my own. Don't worry about getting 'lost', because my instinct for self preservation is too strong for that, or so I believe. That is why I can 'give' so much of myself to people.

This is not to say that I am not without my host of issues. That is why I am single, because I have them! But I will get it right, sooner than later. I mean, I think that Mickey is cute and all, but there is something in her eyes, or it could be me 'sparking' that is catching my attention. That I think she looks nice to me, comes second. And this is why I am alone, because I don't worry about 'finding' someone. If I were to not date or anything for twenty years, I would expect once I declared myself 'in the game', to find someone!

That's how it is all around ME!

THE BIG FINISH

Said all that to say ..? Well, let's hope it got said, because I was just typin'! One of the minor bumps I have ran into, is that I haven't been able to find and set my 'routine'. Not that I feel that is a bad thing, because being extemporaneous is not only a $20 dollar word, but something I have to be comfortable doing and being. Have to get back to adjusting 'to the moment', and Marcie, it ain't easy!

Today's song, 'Brass In Pocket' by The Pretender's pretty much sums up my feeling ... cause I'm gonna get your attention ... GIVE IT TOO ME!

Oh, in disclosure, I went to see 'Quantum of Solace' with SD, and AKA called. I really think she has amnesia. She is still in Florida, and still acts like nothing has happened. Normally I could 'get over it', except she has done things that you should not do.

NOW, 'Rachel's Wedding' is released! Frank Black sung it ... sometimes I live it ... WHERE IS MY MIND (oh come on now, like y'all don't know the Pixies rock!!)

Snootchie Bootchies!

OH, WHY NOT ..!

RANDOM THOUGHTS ..!

Forgot to mention that Tee Jay, her daughter 'A squared', and I went to see a movie. I thought we were going to see, 'Rachel's Wedding', but it wasn't what we saw. Ended up seeing 'Noah's Arc', which was cool, but you may not want to bother with it. It is a gay themed film, and I thought we were going to see 'Rachel's Wedding'. Still, it was a good time!

I remember hearing on NPR Weekend Edition Sunday, a story about a woman of note, whose Mother was a super brilliant mathematician, who chose uncharacteristically different form of therapy for her daughter, who suffered a stroke. The daughter would find that her creativity and her empathy had changed, and that she was at least as creative, and had a deeper sense of emotional depth (did that make any sense?)

When I was first diagnosed, my biggest worry was that I would 'lose myself'. There are some bad stories about what happens to cats with a similar diagnosis. My therapist help keep me on MY TRACK. I am not supposed to be like Chris Benoit (said with respect), because I am supposed to do something else with my walk.

Perhaps it is to inspire someone, or just to be there when someone needs me. As to what I NEED, I have all the confidence in the world that I will find it, I have to make the best choices, and the best decisions that I can.

One of those decisions may well be whether or not I am going to pursue a relationship with the fervor I have had in the past.

So I got into Tee Jay's car, and in a very real sense, HAD NOT A CLUE to where I was going. I kept waiting for the 'aha!' moment, for everything to fall into place and catch hold of me. We got to the show about a half hour early, and we were able to chat some.

Because I didn't 'know' where we were at, I mentioned it. Tee Jay reminded me, that it was ME, who called for the movie times and chose the show time we would be attending! THEN everything came to me. I made a comment when we made the date on the phone, that going with her, she would be my 'waiver' and that I wouldn't get 'hit on', like I would have going by myself!

Now, you may say, "Mark, if you weren't sure of where you were going, why did you get into the car?" I mean, because I am thinking we were going to be somewhere else, seeing something else, the whole nine yards ... anything could have happened. But it didn't, and it wasn't. You see, I KNEW who I was going to be with.

ALWAYS TRUST CONTENT ...

...from Macromedia. I never knew why I used to get that prompt, so many years ago. But since nothing adverse ever happened, I kept on 'trusting it'.

When I was with Mookie, I did not share my concerns near the end. She had bailed out on me and the relationship, and was just going thru the motions. So I started 'exercising' not just my body, but my mind. Therapy for nearly 3 years gave me the confidence that enough of me is still 'here', and the things I hope for are within reach. May take some 'sweat equity', but I have NOT A FREAKIN' DOUBT about my ability to get to where I want to be.

So this time last year, getting ready to ride into early morning darkness towards Chicago, I was also taking the wheel and giving it a spin. I was nervous, but I had been nervous before. I had questions without answers, but I have done things with lingering issues before. Also, I had done what I felt I needed to do, and was as certain of what I was heading off into as I could be.

I knew that Nebraska would be there, and I knew that she was going to be THAT PERSON. For me to trust someone ... not that I am suspicious or anything, not that I am leery or have trust issues, but I prefer to just do things myself. I like to have control and be more of a determining factor in things. Being a kid trying to sneak into Harpo's on the east side, to getting into a boxing ring with men who may have had son's my age, to rappelling out of helicopters ... I could go on.

I KNEW I had what it took to at least get there and get back. Nebraska was the one who made it all worthwhile. Though I don't want to put 'anything' on her, because I do want her to find her bliss, but I have to doubt whether she will ever find someone who would be better for her than me. Why do I say that? I don't have to have a reason. No man with a good car needs to be justified.

I don't think she caught me, or maybe she did. I think that you can 'feel' when I am looking at you ... developed that when I started boxing, I think, putting weight into my gaze. But it was as we walked to her car from the bus depot, were I decided to let go and trust her, because if she wasn't meant for me to trust, she would not have been here.

For a long weekend, sometimes I wonder if anyone thinks that I make too much of it, that it may be out of proportion to what it really, really is. Being able to trust in me, has me confident in what I made of that weekend, and what I make of her. It is what it is, and it was also so much more. Discovering that I had found someone that I could trust like I trusted her ... that was major.

CRUCIAL PERIOD

Six weeks is a nice period of time to get ready for a 8 round semi-main event bout. I want to finish this year strongly. In an effort to 'think less', I am going to really work on my story over at http://afriendonthebackroadsoflife.blogspot.com/, maybe popping back to mention a thought or two. I am doing fine, and I have come too far to be sliding back or losing my grip. I won't and I like what is going to shape up to be a good '09. The question of the day is, will Navy beat ND again this season?

The Midshipmen are going well this year, and ND is very sometime-y. May even decide to watch that game. Enjoy your weekend!

VETERAN'S DAY

WASN'T GOING TO COMMENT ON IT BUT ...

I don't watch 'The View' much. I think the cat fighting is nerve-wracking, and I am not as liberal to where I can stomach some of what they say.

Like Joy Behar's comment, and what I am assuming is the tacit approval she got from Whoopi Goldberg as she admonished Elizabeth Hasselback confronting and calling Joy out for trying to stump for bringing the troops home, on a day you should be honoring the service of those who served as well as appreciation for those who are in.

To me, it was a matter of talking out of both sides of your face. I am honoring their service by trying to bring them home from a costly, illegal war, yadda, yadda. Now, I don't care how anyone else feels, but this was one of the things I considered when I went in, that I could get sent somewhere for nebulous reasons.

Myself, I accepted that I would be at someone's disposal, and I knew they could put me in danger for crap reasons. In the end, I think it adds up to being on the plus side of things. It is arrogant to think that by choosing to set up you soapbox to decry the war on that day, that you are doing something appropriate. I don't think that it is.

Elizabeth said the day was to honor their quiet courage. I agree with her. They are doing something you WOULD NOT DO. And you easily COULD HAVE, had any of this meant that much to you.

Don't get me wrong. I was clerk typist with a helicopter tab. My sister is a surgical nurse. I have uncles who were in 'teens' as far as MOS's goes, and those are generally combat jobs. Thing is, if you are in a theatre of operations, you can get shot at, and you are more than likely in a place where there is a lot of folks who wish you weren't there.

Like the incident in the movie, it is sad but unfortunately true, that the things necessary to insure the life that we enjoy, sometimes 'things get done'. No dear, I don't think you get to piss on the military on Veteran's day. I have always been a little bristly at people talking crap on Vet's day. The day before, the day after, all's fair. But on Veteran's Day? Not so much.

MAKING DREAMS COME TRUE

LOSING YOURSELF IN THE CHASE

To me, that is what the work you do to reach something is. The thing you are yearning for is there, but the compact on making your dreams come true, is based on the work you do to make them happen.

In fact, dream ARE true, it is reality that is false. At least the perception of it. Not going to get all existential, I happen to feel that the struggle is in the interpretation of things and expressing our real selves's to the world.

Myself, I would prolly WRITE than dance. I think that is what I miss about my 'pre-Mookie' life, the faith in that if I was going to work hard enough, then it was fine to dream my dreams. I didn't mind doing what I had to do, to get the piece of the pie that I saw myself having.

Thinking about my darling brother, that was the hallmark of his life. What he wanted, he got, and what he got, he worked for. It was NEVER easy for him. Don't know if I mentioned, but my brother was gay. When did he 'know'? I don't know about him, but I KNEW when he wanted to be Jamie Summers and thought that he could spin around real fast become 'Wonder Woman'!

THE EVIL OF INTERNAL STRIFE

So we got a brother in the White House. Yay! Can't wait for him to begin implementing his policy, and people, BLACK PEOPLE, start talking about how he isn't doing enough for 'his people'. Then they will start making comments about how, 'He ain't no full brother anyway,' and other equally inane and unlearned statements, as they wipe the 'red' kool-aid from their lips.

Because kids didn't understand what he was about, he got picked on mercilessly. Could help him only so much, and he lost interest in going to school. My Mom, bless her, let him stop when he turned 16, and he started to find his way.

I used to think that she didn't know, and we would have discussions about him. Even then, I would let her know that where ever I am, he would have a place. But his place was by her side. He wouldn't budge! After I started out trying to make my way, he 'took over', doing the Mark things for the twins and he and Jan always had their own connection.

THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD

When my Mom couldn't work, due to a bunch of stuff, she applied for welfare. Between that and what he would make working at whatever minimum wage job he could get (the one I remember most is the Burger King btw. 9 and 10 mile Road), to make ends meet.

What ever they would need as far as the house, the girls school, he made a way to make things happen. The observer would have said that he lived for his family, and he did. But he also had his own life, his own dreams. When our Mom taught us to ice skate, he took to it quickly. We would go to the Ice Capades, Ice Follies, Disney on Ice, Vodka on Ice (we keed, we keed!), and he was enthralled. The seeds were being planted, and he knew what he wanted to do.

But as he would have been entering his prime junior years, I was beginning my 'Sancho-less' ride through the hills of the world. So he stepped up and did what needed to be done. He may have grumbled, but he never complained. He never really asked 'why', as he simply got after what he wanted.

And he wanted to skate.

I can only talk about what he did. He competed in many competitions, even skating on the national level. I guess he was as good a figure skater as I was an amateur boxer. The thing about him, is that there wasn't any black guys skating, and other than Debbie Thomas, the only black thing on the ice, was the puck! It never bothered him that 'black people don't skate'. It's weird, when you start doing something that no one else says people do, if you want something bad enough, you will find other people walking on that narrow path.

When he was called, he had been one of the coaches for a skating club, coaching up some very good skaters. They were there when we laid him to rest. You all would have loved him. You wouldn't have had any choice! He was that kind of cat!

SAYING THAT TO SAY THIS

I won't claim to have inspired anyone in my family. To say that, is also to say that I also influenced some of their 'less than' qualities as well. But my brother and I were as similar as we were different. Being here in Detroit without him is quite strange. I wish he was here.

THIRD RAIL CONVERSATION

... more fun than a barrel of worms

Many times, when someone says something that bothers us, it is indeed because it may be true. But it is the manner in which they say the truth, that bothers us.

Lots of times, I have that in mind when people call themselves giving me sincere, hard advice. Folks like to think they are 'keeping it real'. What they are really 'keeping' is the proverbial log in their own eye.

Both Mookie and AKA are recent examples of this. What I see, I realize is what I alone see. For them to want to know these things about themselves, they must first want to find answers. Without wanting to 'know', all I can do is steer as best as I can. If they are riding down stream and there are rapids ahead, what can I do to help them? I mean, it isn't like I have been sailing smoothly myself. Perhaps what I think is part of their problem, isn't a 'problem' per se, only something that develops when I am around.

So I leave them to their own devices. You can't advise when someone can counter your advice with a 'But you did ...' and all you can do is stammer. You know your why. You DON'T know theirs. People can't but help but speak from their own experience, their own presumptions.

For instance, improving one's condition is a simple thing ... FOR ME. Listening to people complain about various aliments and aches ... longing to be a 'this' size instead of a 'that' one, I have to consider more than telling them what they can do.

Though I don't like listening to such talk, I do and keep a civil tongue. Because often, people take offense to something that speaks about them personally, especially if it reflects poorly on their character. So I generally wait until someone asks me, and then I give them basic advice, always with the offer of help and further instruction, IF THEY WANT IT.

TODAY, I WENT TO CHURCH

See in my world, when you have questions, you go find the answers. I have never hidden that I think on a spiritual, astral plane. That me, not saying it is right or wrong. What it is to say is that I am committed to it being a part of my 'why' as I live.

The reason this is a 'third rail' conversation, is because similarly to the third rail on subway tracks, not being careful and touching it, can get you hurt. Bad. Let the things that took me down the street, take me there. It is only something in YOUR PERCEPTION. To whom it matters to, me, it is the one thing that it needs to be.

Another 'live' wire is politics. I have said what President-elect Obama's victory meant to me. I am not going to go into how I came to my conclusion, because I am sure your assumption, will be wrong. I feel bad, letting that seep into my conversation, because here it is, five days later, and I am still in a situation that I would rather not be in. So, as important as politics is, there is NO SUBSTITUTION for taking care of everything in your own pay grade. If the worst thing that can be said about you, is that you live within your 'inner Nigel' (he's a nice bloke, he loves to speak and he loves to be spoken to!) and be 'happy in your work', how bad is that?

Finally, sex can be a sketchy topic for general discussion. Not just the act, but the entire -ality of it. Either you can be respectful and deal, or you can't. You don't get to stay in someones face and talk all kind of crap about the '-ality' part, especially without the other person's consent. Who do you think you are? No really, because only one cat could speak like that, and the irony is, even though he could, he didn't.

So people need to get a grip.

FORGIVENESS IS HEALTHY

So what do you do when someone rubs you the wrong way? Touch that 'third rail'?

Listening to 'Speaking of Faith', the conversation was about forgiveness, and it was a good show. It talked about something I feel, that forgiveness doesn't include forgetting, and isn't supposed to.

When you forgive someone, you free up space in your heart and in your MIND. It takes a mental change to forgive. The benefit of forgiveness is to give the person their own self of self back to them. You can't forget, because it is forever going to be something that you keep in mind, for your own well being and protection. But the forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and the other person. They have a chance to feel better about themselves, and you are now 'free' of whatever the problem was.

The long and the short of this, is that I will forgive AKA, as I had to forgive my wife. I am going to ask for Skye's forgiveness, and I am going to simply be a better person, by making better decisions.

People talk about knowing someone who is 'toxic'. If someone is that bad for you, and you don't know how to get rid of them, forgive them.

Forgive them whatever thing they did or said, then move on. This way, you can be clear of them, because thinking about why they won't do better will end up consuming you. They get the chance to show what kind of person they are, and if they 'do what they do', then you will act appropriately, not because you are fearful, but because your experience tells you what to do.

No, this wasn't what the sermon was about. I am actually thinking about me, and what kind of pressure I put on people, particularly in trying to come back into their lives. I know I did wrong, and want to claim it, so that if we can move past it, we can.

IT'S WINNING TIME

SO YOU SEE, I GET IT

And that was the purpose of this series talking about 'Darkhorses'. Could go on and on, but the point was that I realize that simply 'wanting' is different from 'having', and that because you expect good things to happen, doesn't mean that they are. There is a lot of work to be done, and that I am willing to do it.

The President elect wrote a book, 'The Audacity of Hope'. I used to walk around on Market St. in Greensboro, and the yard at A&T saying that! Too bad I didn't trademark that, who knows. One of the reasons that I used to say stuff like that, is because I was trying to do something that other people couldn't see happening.

When I landed in G'boro, I didn't know where anything was as I had never been there, and had barely completed my application to get into school. DID NOT KNOW A SOUL. What I had done to get there, was what I knew, and that wasn't much.

I remember sleeping in my car A LOT. Remember going to shelters and taking showers and getting food. I remember what it felt like when I found a full time job at the mall, and finally started making friends. There was runs cross town, 10 miles a wop at night, to get in beat down only to start the process over, going to class, training and then to work.

The memories of that time, where it seemed that even as there weren't enough hours in the day, I got what I needed AND what I wanted done, has stayed with me. I absolutely know what it is like to climb mountains and come down a hill. So I went through this, talking about what else may lie in wait for me, to get to this point.

Winning time.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

There comes a point where you have to forget about 'what if's', and commit to your goal. This is what Obama's election means to me. That it comes with a 'new electoral map' is something else that profoundly affects me. It says to me, that there are others who feel the same thing, that want to simply hope, and they are willing to trust in that hope.

Screw the politics, because no matter who won, I would have to deal with them. Now I can feel comfortable getting back into being me, because there are a lot of people who put their faith in what they hoped for, and hope in their faith. That is what this Presidency will mean to me.

My heart goes out to the soldiers. But I don't have any real tangible intellectual investment in any policies or whatever. It simply is too far above my pay grade to care about it. This is why I wanted to wean 'thinking too much' out of me, because it is finally time to think about the most important thing in my life.

Me.

Getting ready for fights, you can't be worried too much about what your opponent is going to do, as much as you can train to do what you can do. You look for certain things, and you try stuff, but for the most part, you do what you do and go with that. One of the great things about boxing, about sports in general is that it is pass/fail. You can judge the body of your work by one thing.

Victory.

Getting rid of the 'yips and bugs' will be next. Remaking oneself takes an appreciation of time and expected setbacks. The thing is, to fall forward, like a powerful running back, when he is being tackled, his momentum takes him to the positive side of the tackle.

Other than the annoying spelling and bad grammar, I have made quite a stride from when I started this thing. Haven't forgotten what that felt like ... anyway, I look forward to where I plan to go from here.

THE BIG FINISH

Okay, while I want to go to Nebraska, the goal is to find someone to share my life with. Period.

"What he left behind he hadn't valued, half as much as some things as he never knew." That is something that has always held great importance for me. That is what my hometown is, a 'thing that I don't value' over what is yet to be discovered.

But at what cost? Because that is the thing ... what do I value?

Now that hope is back on the table for me, I am going to hope that what I want is going to be there, after I act on what I want, taking one step after the other to get there. In spite of the odds, with little regard to the risks. I have to. I want it that bad.

DARKHORSES

MISSION CREEP

Had no real intention in dragging this out, thinking about some of the 'known, unknowns' in my life. But here I am, still talking about this. Maybe this is some of the unintended consequences of Mission Creep.

A short year ago, I was looking forward to meeting someone who I had hoped could be THAT someone (like in the B52 cover of 'Girl From Ipanema'), otherwise, why would I have gone? What would have been the point? That is a lot of risk and expense for a 'weekender'. And I don't mean as far as money. You can get money back, it is the time that I am thinking of, one of the more precious commodities that we have.

It is rare, and it is best not to waste it. And move smartly when using it. Nebraska and I would spend Friday afternoon thru to Sunday afternoon in immediate proximity of one another.

For every moment she was near me, she was the only thing on my mind

THE CRABTREE MALL IN RALIEGH

KT and Nixxie just called! Thought I would let y'all know that I heard from one of the Pixies (another way cool band!)! They were out shopping and thought to give me a shout out.

... as seen on 'LIFE'

Dect. Dani Reese and Capt. Kevin Tidwell (characters on the show) are going to be the ubiquitous 'romantic interest' on the show. They had a kiss, and are sorta dealing with the reprecussions of what it meant.

Reese is making like it was nothing, while Tidwell is trying to see if there is something more to it. Last night, beset by a family crisis, Reese becomes a little frayed. Tidwell offers her a sympathetic ear, which is one of the 'tools of the trade'.

Tidwell then assures her that there isn't any other motive but to help her out, and that he knows 'The Rules' as far as it concerns Reese being out with him.

He knows what kind of cat he is, and he knows that women like Reese would only go out with him under a stricted protocol. I know that feeling, and I have factored that in my pursuits as well. Only thing, I am not so sure if I feel like listening to anyone's 'Rules' right now, particularly someone who has an idea of what they are getting into.

Like Nebraska.

I am sure that she has some of her own. But right now I don't want to hear them, because I think that there are some 'Rules' that passe. Maybe I will want to deal with the 'known, unknowns', the ones that I could sort of take a chance at. But I don't, not even with what I can guess at, not now.

Then there are some that I find totally unacceptable. Sometimes they can be self-righteous and offensive on many, many contradictory levels. As to what they are, they are kind of like the line about recognizing pornography. 'Don't know what it is, but I do know it when I see it.'

That is how it is with putting up with 'rules' of people, and hearing Nebraska's. I don't know which ones will get me 'charged', but I will when I hear them.

Period.

NEXT ISSUE: WHAT'S WHAT!

DARKHORSES

SCRAPING ALONG THE WAY

But I am still going forward. One of the awkward things about this particularly necessary portion of my journal, is the objectification of women that I am doing. Seems wrong, but sometimes I forget I AM A MAN! Men think this way, and that is that. I really believe it is instictive, and it is as crucial to the species as the Mothering instinct that women have.

I could go on with some psuedo-smart explaination, one where I'll have some half-truths and mistaken assumptions from books and classes I have forgotten. But it is what I feel, and have come to accept as accurate in my mind.

So I am going to go on with it. Apologies to those who may be disappointed by this.

STILL FEELING WHAT I FELT

There are similiar reasons AKA and SD, though they are among the top half of 'the field', run clearly behind the leaders. They have an 'I don't know what the f*ck to think or say', to them that I can't abide. Because of that, I think that women avoid a share of the responsiblity to where a relationship is heading, their part in determining where it is going.

It has always been important that I knew 'what's what' regarding my partner. Looking at the 'Kirk-Spock' or even 'Jordan-Pippen' relationships, you see that though one was decidedly the 'alpha', the 'beta' was just as capable of being the head, the leader.

Being a guy, results actually do matter to me. Are you happy? Is this good for you? Because if we are aren't all on board, then there is no use in going any further, is it?

I would rather see my partner happy and me being alright, than for me to be happy and risk my partner being something 'other than good', feel me?

Men think differently and process things differently than women do, BUT the goal isn't different in a relationship, or it shouldn't be for either a man or a woman. I think that when you let go of your indiviual wants for what is best for the relationship, the processing of both changes and you go from 'Mars and Venus' to being on THE EARTH ... the only planet we know that is able to sustain life.

The differences are to bring us together, so that we realize that we need one another, and it filters down to individual traits. We pick up and match up where we can and BUILD. AKA and SD, still don't know crucial things about THEMSELVES, let alone about being in a relationship. You do need to know what you are building with. I do think that with either of them, the chance of managing a lasting relationship hinges on the question of their finding enough of themselves to be present in a relationship.

And knowing yourself, is no guarantee of finding a partner or being in a succesful relationship.

DECOMPRESSING

It is impossible to get a newspaper. Went to get breakie at the McDonald's near the house, and it was short staffed and being overwhelmed. Didn't get anything, left and road a mile to a Burger King, and though it was an hour past the time on the sign, the doors was locked. Had to ride another mile, to a combo gas station/Mickey D's. The entire episode reminded me of what I don't like about Detroit.

From municipal services, to customer service, I feel as I am being treated like a second class citizen. And people accept this. I don't mean accepting crap from the store owners and merchants, but in the form the citzenry for allowing things to erode to where it is accepted that we are treated this way.

This isn't how it is in other places. I know, because I have seen and been there.

Going to go see 'Rachel's Getting Married' with Tee Jay and her daughter on Monday. I think it is playing at the Maple out in Bloomfield Hills. Looking forward to that. And that is who my 'movie partner' is going to be, no pressure, and we can enjoy good company. Would I like for something to happen? Sure would!

Doesn't meant that something is going to happen. But you never say never, cause you know it just might!

DARKHORSES

BUT FIRST, A WORD ABOUT YESTERDAY ...

So very glad it is over. And bear with me, because it isn't that I don't care for your choice or the why of your choice, but this for me, has been personally divisive.

For many reasons. Many of them my own. So I am going to deal with them.

Whatever yesterday meant to you, it meant to you. I am going to leave it at that. What it means to me, IT WILL MEAN TO ME. It is a 'boots on the ground' kind of discussion, and even after a glass or two of merlot, there are no guarantees that I will want to even be a part of a discussion.

AKA called from her thingy in Florida. The early return from Kentucky had came in, and I couldn't bear it. McCain carried the state and held a very early lead. I decided to make like Christmas, and hope that when I woke, Santa had brought me what I asked.

Not very into the 'Law and Order' episodes that were on, and when she called, she was more a distraction. Since I had wanted her to have a nice time in Florida, I didn't want to talk to her, given that everyone else seemed to have a giddy mood. I was in a different place. When I get that way, I tend to get small, get out of everyone's way. Have your day. I am going to have the day MY WAY and to myself.

We'd hang up, but she'd call a few hours later with an electoral college update. I again restated my preference, that I wanted to make like 'Christmas Morning', because I was too nervous, and I was.

Then, when McCain conceded, she called again. So I told her.

I told her that I was aware of the mood and all, but I am in a different place. No matter the outcome, when I wake up tomorrow, I will face what I will face. What changes beyond what I can see, is just that. Earlier, I humored you, but I also told you of my intention. And I don't think I have ever spoke to you in a way that would make you think that I was 'just talking'.

The first time you called, I was glad because I hadn't heard from you in awhile, and I have indeed missed you, but I did give you my reason for doing what I was doing. So let me share some, but not nearly all of what I am feeling.

My Mother, my Best Aunt, my Brother are no longer here, and it could be said that it was well before their time. My sisters, even crappy Jan are also away from me. I feel alone, not being able to share this moment with them.

So I will be alone.

I did not want to share this with anyone, because my feelings are my feelings and I want to feel them. I will let you feel yours, and was willing to, but you kept calling me.

Hearing from you tonight means one thing, even in the immensity of the moment -- you haven't apologized.

You haven't apologized for hurting my feelings, and that was something that I told you at the start, wasn't something I took lightly. I told you earlier that I wanted you to relax, and enjoy your trip, enjoy this moment. For whatever reason, you didn't heed my request. Twice.

So now, this 'moment' you have hoped to have shared, isn't. You will take this crap memory with your memory of a historical event, with you for the rest of your life. I will remember this night as a night where someone refused to let me have the respite from the spinnings of the world that I so dearly wanted.

Why??----

I don't know what is going to happen when she comes back home, near Thanksgiving. I do have the idea that she is really, really, going to have her feelings hurt. She still wants to be coy, play the cat and mouse games with life and love. If it works for her, then fine. I am not trying to be a participant. If she was a man, doing this 'forgetful me' thing, I don't think "her woman" would look kindly on her ways.

So, should I let her off the hook?

And she STILL hasn't apologized.

This is a nice, nice seque into SD's race and how she is running.

Two Hour Turn Time

In the polling queue at 6:30am . Out at 8:30am . Go vote!

DARKHORSES

FRICTION

The purpose of staying with the theme of 'Darkhorses', is to acknowledge the things that are going on, that I am not aware of, while I am staying busy with the things that I am. Donald Rumesfeld tried when he made his statement about the 'Things we know we don't know', to fruitlessly what I think Von Clausewitz describes as 'Friction'. You know what you want, you make a plan and you act upon it.

Meanwhile, real life is happening and your plan is only 'real' in your mind. To make it happen, is going to be about dealing with life on life's terms. There will be things that happen that go better than you hoped. There will be setbacks. There are going to be times where you are no better than when you started, and you won't be any worse than when you did.

Can't call the 'Successories' poster, only again to say that Ken over at 'Bucko's ' pokes fun at them. Sometimes you sail with the wind, sometimes against. But the constant is that you sail. You have things that are less important to you in reaching your goal, and there are things that a critically important to you. The thing is, they are ALL important.

Keep sailing.

I go back to what Russ said, not only because it is the only one that I listened to and considered (were I to list them all ... today I may take Malti up and chat a girl at the library!), but it happens to be part of a policy I have to implement.

Not thinking too much.

Because of my condition, 'thinking too much' isn't something I want to find myself doing. Some of the things about be, thanks to my therapy, I have learned is still there, and others have changed. But I am going to play the hand that I am dealt. When I say that I am ready for it, I am. Though I haven't kept a journal for most of my life, I have kept articles and things that have particular interest to me from media. I love the stuff you find in cartoons. I prolly don't like I did in my heyday (I did have one, dontcha know!), but I find myself doing that still. It is going to be a scrapbook project for me next year, getting this stuff together. Might not pick up on the socio-politcal stuff, but for sure with the comics!

This is part of why I accept what is happening to me. It was supposed to be my burden, and not anyone elses.

... and now, to reverse field!

Remembering the first fight my Dad saw of mine, I think that is where my Dad could see the kind of cat I am deep inside. And my joining the military prolly cemented it.

Recalling that fight, where he brought a couple of guys from Ford Rouge and my oldest stepbrother, I came to the chest of the cat I fought, and he looked HIS part as well. Never asked my Dad, unlike the discussions I had with my Mom, but I know he wondered a bit if I was a bit 'soft'. He knew I was different, with my playing hockey and reading as much as I did. So I didn't think he thought I was 'really' a fighter, and seeing who I was up against, I wouldn't have been surprised if he wanted to come down to the ring and bring me out of there!

What I do know, is that there was only one bell, and what all the spectators thought was going to happen, happened ... to the OTHER GUY!

Other than with myself, here and perhaps to my lady (were she around), no one else really suspects, or would expect to get what they can get if they 'pushed the right buttons', and that is a good thing. I much rather see smiles and be greeted warmly when I come around, than for people to avert their gaze, and whisper as I pass.

My being 'upbeat' isn't a coping device, but how I am. My life has taught me that if you focus and stay intent on accomplishing your main goal, good things will come. That they haven't come to me, is part of that process. I have looked up, and I have been distracted. And considering things, this is why the 'Ex List' made sense to me.

STARS ... LIKE GRAINS OF SAND IN MY POCKET

There was another story in the anthology I found that in, written by authoress J. California Cooper, and I think it was "The Life You Live (May Not Be Your Own)". In that story, a line that I kept went like this: "You have to watch life or else you won't know what to do with the life you're with!"

So the idea of 'going back to go forward' came to me, because for the first time, I was hung up over someone. I felt that I had walked my rounds in to my target, going from My Delta Girl, to dealing with Pecan Sandie (Nixxie and I were always and ever 'friends') to finally Tee Jay. And I stayed 'caught' on her.

Though the notion of trying to 'win her back' violated a core belief of mine, I could develop a 'work around' where I stop trying to 'find' and stay with what I know. Again, if I had not fathered Nebraska in under this idea, I wouldn't be speaking of her now. Because I had started up with her on line at the time I came to this conclusion, to keep her and Tee Jay as 'open files' in my life.

Meanwhile, there was the matter of 'the work around'.

WHERE THE RUBBER MEETS THE ROAD

This part could also be called, "Why I Had Never Called An Ex Before Mookie".

See women, particularly black women, have a difficult time understanding their contribution to the problem in relations. It reminds me of a little story about 'Birds of Prey and Sheep'.

The Sheep moan about the birds of prey, and how they swoop down and snatch up the sheep. So out of frustration they curse the birds of prey. Meanwhile, the birds of prey are confused, because they don't understand why the sheep hate them so. Nothing tastes better than a sheep!

That is part of what complicates the relations between men and women. Sure there are some that are on the good end of the scale, and there are some on the horrid end. The problems colesce in the 'fat middle' were most people are at.

Where a lot of women in my age group are. Who have been batted around like a catnip toy. What can I say or do to change their minds? What have I done to harden their opinions?

And then it isn't lost upon me that they also fire my insecurities as well. I never have been 'man' enough for a certain kind of woman, and yes, as some have indicated, it is kind of important that she can add and subtract. This is part of why I think that someone who knows what I want, who can help keep me on the path that I want to be on, without stepping on my fault lines, would be a cool choice.

In all that, I guess I have also said why it is a not as good idea as well. I have no inclination of being 'more' that what I was, and I am what I am. I send flowers when I feel like it, think of you when I think of you. Not going to jump through any hoops ... because there are other horses in the field.

And being single is steadily gaining.

NEXT: Handicapping the Favorites!