DARKHORSES

OH, ITS GOING TO CHANGE

Another of the entrants that have been running off the lead that is surging to the pack, is Mark being single. Odd, because prior to making it this far, I had always, always thought that I was going to be with someone, either I would find them or they would find me.

But as I told someone recently, my tired isn't your tired. When a situation finally has me declare a state of being 'tired', it also means that the idea, the protocol has been exhausted.

There is no more to it. Its done. I am tired.

I am done with dealing with what I call 'the personal idiocy of relationships.' There is a level of maturation that I expect, which is surprisingly lacking in women my age. Take Mookie for example. Listening to what she saw as problems in our relationship, I wanted to ask her if she was 18 or 38? Hiding behind some easy to justify examples of perceptions of where she wanted to go, it conveniently overlooked what she was doing to undermine herself.

When it is you doing all the damage to your own life, it is hard to see the solution. You are too close and you think of yourself as the innocent victim, and you can't break the pattern.

For me, when I screwed over (because that is what I did) Pecan Sandie, I literally stopped where I stood, and asked myself, 'What am I doing wrong?' Because some of the names I have been called had been such poetic characterizations, I would wear them like a badge of honor (and this is why that lady from long ago, who called me 'one of those guys' has stayed with me. Because I didn't WANT to be one of those guys, I wanted to be one of the good ones). When Pecan Sandie called me 'an emotional terrorist', it went straight through to my heart.

My wife did wrong by us, that is certain. Yet does that justify anything that went on after that relationship? And the answer for me, is no.

If I had only followed the behaviour that the cat did in the movie, 'Love in the Time of Cholera', which I saw with Nebraska, thank you very much, it would have been cool. Everyone he was involved with, knew what they were getting involved in, and both parties knew that by the time the sheets were washed and the clothes aired out, the 'rendezvous' was over and forgotten.

And I did go at things like that for awhile. Then I knocked up Nixxie, and my boxing started taking on water. As I was in what I can only call, 'a state', I ran into Pecan Sandie. She, she ... I don't know how to put it, but we did more than just 'hook up'. She would ride up to Detroit with me when I would visit Skye, and she would just BE THERE in every way.

As a couple though, we had our problems. We both understood that, and I know that is how it was, because I have it IN WRITING. But in a case of something 'not being worth the paper it's written on', she had started not being a friend, but falling in love.

Doesn't absolve me from any responsibility. Does not at all. And Katherine, I do think what ever I end up with from the point we separated on, I deserve.

We'd move together to the Atl. It was a struggle, but we started to catch on. But in a case of what I can only say was my 'arrested development', allowed our relationship to fritter away. Sandie tried as hard as she could, balancing her personal needs, our daughter and the crap I was putting her through to get a foothold, but I ...

... don't have any excuses. I don't know what to say.

What that experience did do for me, was make me look inside and take all the trash that was in me out, and examine as much as I could. I was NOT going to spend the rest of my life being a sh*t head, no matter how long I had been one. Theology supports the forgiveness is there for those who seek it, and for the time since, I have operated as such. So that when I met Tee Jay, I felt comfortable with what it was I would tell her about me ...

SIDEBAR
This is a video sent to me by AKA. Excuse the taste in music, she likes this kind of 'crap music' (I tease her about her tastes, and yes Betty, that is how we 'talk' as a couple), but what is annoying is that she knows I would immediate look beyond the style of the band, but listen for what it is trying to say. No, not exactly what I would think to say myself, but I know her ...

... like she knows me.

DARKHORSES

SOMETIMES, I GET AHEAD OF MYSELF

Almost left a comment on another journal regarding some socio-political stuff. Somehow, it didn't take, and I was glad for it. Said more than I prolly should have, and that was that. Though I try to keep away from presidential stuff, I got all up and loose fingered at the discussion.

Fortunately, my comment didn't take, and that is a good thing. It really was full of hat and no cattle.

The bottom line is, whoever wins, the need is for them to be transcendent. FDR, JFK, Regan. And again, I thought this was going to be a Clinton presidency, and that is who I looked forward to casting my vote for.

Transcendent. Whoever wins.

DARKHORSES

Don't know who they are ... 'the unknonwn, unknowns.' Overlooked in competitions, often they come surging to the lead and throwing the entire race into a controll chaos, a disarray. Their finish in the lead often is shocking as they weren't given much thought to at the beginning of the race.

Haven't been able to get into a reg'lar routine as of yet, but that is another test, to see if I can cope with life going on around me. Because at some point, I am going to HAVE TO begin to deal, and that is that with that. But I do have some spots on my 'rounds', the Astoria downtown and the Skillman and Edison Branches of the DPL. The Family Dollar, where I pick up my junk foods and shaving kit stuff.

And the McDonald's kitty-corner from it.

Started going to it this summer, and one of the little cashier girls, look to me about high school age took a shine to me. I am pleasant, extremely so in person, so I didn't think much of it. Then I noticed a shift manager, who apparently had noticed me. Did she and the cashier talk about me? They end most all of our exchanges with 'God Bless You', and I guess they could be related. Something I picked up on.

So there has been an unspoken 'something' going on. I don't puff up this stuff for the sake of ego. I just notice things like this. I am quite cheerful, and the manager has a pretty smile. I do make a point of it to make her smile, even if I have to stand for a extra second or two, to get her going because maybe her day is not going well. If you let me, I will reach you and pull you up.

Again, if you let me. That also means that you WANT ME to do it.

She is pretty, and I get a good vibe from her. I am not one to jump the gun, because I am not new to this, this lonliness. All of this could be a figment of my imagination. My yearning could be mistaking good customer service and a limited affinity for something that isn't there.

Still ...

SOMETIMES, EXPERIENCE DOES COUNT

There was a time where I wondered how I would 'frame' this period of my life, at least the start of it. I wanted it to put it in a military frame, but I thought that would be a bit much, considering things. I didn't have much going on, and what I did experience, was what I did experience. Did get my combat badge, and that is that about that.

But what made it come to my mind was the experience of being somewhere far, far away from all that you know, and having to catch on by myself. Overseas, different parts of the country, I had to find and make my own way.

I would write letters, to everyone who I had an address for. Though I didn't expect to get one back for what I sent out, I think I should have gotten more, since I had family back in Detroit who should have noticed I wasn't around. It wasn't until I left my ex wife and went on to college, when I felt that 'everything changed'.

The rational I was given, didn't wash, and it left a little, thin, deep scar on my heart. I haven't forgotten that. In a time of what was then my hardest trials, I was undeniably left all alone. Haven't forgotten that. Which is why I am careful at Mickey Dee's. I am lonely, and who knows what it is I am picking up. I want to work on what I know, not what I need to guess at. That is why I plan on observing the new boundaries that have been set up with AKA. I won't 'guess' at anything right now.

Not only do I know what it is like to feel alone, I do know what it is like to BE alone. Go a few months sleeping in a car, and have no one try to reach you, then let their excuse be that they didn't have a number or address for you. So checking the envelope's return address is too difficult ... aw, don't get me started.

THE RESONANCE OF LONELY PLACES


The whisper of the winds on the solitary plains of life, the sound of a pair of feet against the pavement. Once you have been there, for real and not as some misfit teen, you remember that experience, no matter what else goes on in your life.

When I thought I would lose contact with all of my friends out here when AOL closed its shop, I didn't know what was going to happen. I am glad that I have made it this far, with you all for company. I was really hurt, but I kept to the faith that I have, that things were going to work out for the best.

I am glad that they have. I would have missed every one of you.

I have mentioned that Nebraska and I don't talk or trade email as much as you would think. Maybe now you have a little background to why it doesn't bother me as much, outwardly at least. On the first couple of levels of thinking. But at the next level, that is where 'whatever' lives.

And that is what makes 'the favorite' fall back to lead pack.


A catcus is an easy plant to care for, and difficult at the same time. Doesn't need much water, but what it does need, it needs in a specific amount. Or else, it can die.



What makes a particular darkhorse run stronger and stronger, coming from way off the lead, is that I AM getting stronger and stronger. Each day I have small tests, where I call on what I have to make it thru something, and with each one that I pass, the more confident that I grow ...



... with myself

What I Strive Towards

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR ARE 'NEW'

Maybe he could have handled it differently. But this is his first time as a head coach, and he got the job unexpectedly. But he also indicated (thru inference) that he looked at the day with those 'fresh' eyes you have when you walk into a job, and expect to make a difference.

Mike Singletary, whether he should have kept this in the locker room or not, was more than fair. He covered all the leadership keys. He talked more about 'we' than an individual. "They want it to change." He did not keep blaming the cat for what he did, and he made sure that he took enough responsiblity for what could have been better.

Certainly 'kept it real'. That was 'keeping it real', not letting anyone become more than the whole, that everyone in their own way wants to be 'winners'. Did not blame, but let it be known that it will get corrected.

I liked how he struggled in trying to express the difference of saying, "it going to change," from the typical saying of that phrase, hollow and with insincerity. When he said it a second time, "It will change", I don't know about you, but I KNEW what he meant. He said it, that it is that THEY want it to change.

He brought up an example that of course, parallels much of what I talk about, personal relationships. Sometimes, you can be in a bad relationship for so long, even though you think you are trying to pull things up into positive, that after awhile, because you are focused on what you do well, and NOT what you do poorly, that you become part of the problem.

Most people, including me, are often unaware of what they do, as far as making things unworkable. That is for another conversation, because what I heard in Mike's press conference is what I hope to be about as a person.

A NO

Mike spoke about how it was 'good for him'. He talked in a way that you can tell he had the after you graduate college and you ready for success feeling. And Sunday, he could see that it wasn't going to happen just because he was in the head coach's seat. The mindset is what needs to be changed. And how is he going to go about it.

The identity of that team is going to be one where 'they hit people in the mouth'. What it means is that the rough and tough, hard work that goes into winning is going to be something that you can count on from the 49'ers while he is coach.

"Hitting people in the mouth." "Working to the body." "Rebounding." "Digging the puck out of the corners." "Hitting behind the runner." Sport metaphors for doing the small things that winners do that people who don't win as often, don't.

In a relationship, what are those things? Is it going to her parents for Sunday dinner? How about putting up with a house full of men on THURSDAY NIGHT for a football game with teams you didn't know even EXISTED? What are you going to do?

Me? I am going to get dressed and go to her parents, keep a civil tongue in my head, even though we both know that her brother is going to bait me and her little sister thinks she is 'Lolita' and likes to court attention. Her? Yes, she is going to stop at the store, get chips and sandwiches and make enough at the very least for the first round. And when everyone leaves, going to get that den back together.

When you realize that it is this, as well as the other 'unspectatcular' things, like washing out the tub and putting the seat down, taking out the garbage when it slips someones mind without having to make a point of it, that you start taking the steps towards being happy with someone. Don't give in to the 'Single Mother's Club' attitude, or what 'LeRoy and Skillet' say on the corner at the store. Do what is right. Don't do what is not.

A STRAIGHT LINE

After all, it is the shortest distance between two points.

To me, once you have decided on where you are headed, no matter what you 'guess' is going to happen, you NEXT STEP had better be in the direction that you have fixed yourself upon. I know, many people want to say, "But Mark, stuff happens, you can't always go straight." I understand, and I agree.

BUT, when you are in process, every step you observe yourself as taking, is going in the direction you want to go in. As a boxer, I know that I will get hit. But I don't anticipate getting hit, getting hurt. My training prepares me for that. What I am focused on, is happening to the OTHER guy.

Getting on the inside, fighting at distance, whatever was called for, fighting on whatever terms the bout was fought on, each step was going to be measured by ONE thing. It is easy to say what isn't going to happen, because others don't see it. For instance, this idea of dating people from the past, in hopes of finding a future with someone, does NOT seem like a good idea.

For you. But for me, it is sound. So I made sure that is what my first step was, and I called Mookie. That didn't work, but the idea is still a sound one.

For me.

A GOAL

Though there are variances in the path to the end point, there are striking similiarities in the stories that describe how people got there. Again, going back to Mike Singletary's press conference, what I heard were all the things that make up great leadership. He made a point of making it about 'us' and definitely about 'me'. He made it clear that he was disappointed in what happened, but there was definitely room for Vernon Davis, the player in question, to get back into good standing.

Oh, and he did not set himself outside and above the problem, and again, in a very realistic way, made it a point to let everyone know that he was not above responsibility for what happened. He knows that there were some things he could have done differently, and he acknowledge that.

Some people as they get to know me, think that I am too bright eyed, looking at life with rose colored glasses. Well, Alaina could vouch for some of the neighborhoods I talk about, and Tawnya (isn't that the sexy way you spell 'Tawnya'. You expect to see that on someone's name tag at Hef's mansion!) as well. I keep trying to tell you, I have had to EARN wearing these glasses. Which is to say, I understand what it is going to take to get from 'here to there'. This isn't a 'Sleeping Beauty' just laying there for Prince Charming to stumble along and find her.

And this isn't someone who IS in Prince Charming either! Why would you fall for someone who is just lying there anyway? Necrophilac ... is that is what Prince Charming is about? How stupid is HE? Besides even at best, having a empty shell of a partner who is just 'there' and not contributing anything to the relationship is not the best kind of partner, to me.

What is it that you want? What is most important to you? You do have to choose, and when you make that choice, go after it. If finding a lot of money and owning a mansion and a yacht, then you want to be Elmer J. Fudd! Go and get to doing that!

"The worst thing than dying young, is to live a love life, with out finding your true love." - Les Brown.

He used to speak at schools around the Metro area back when he was on his way up. The quote is one I got from a tape of his appearance at a church in the Metro. Keep it and listen to it every now and again, along with Betty's cd's. The point is, I know what I believe in... and that is more than good enough for me.

You have got to make what you think will work, work. That is why I use sports as metaphors so much. The Giants weren't supposed to be the Patriots in the Super Bowl. Does anyone remember NC State beating Houston with their 'Phi Slamma Jamma'? You KNOW I remember when David Thompson was unstoppable against UCLA back in the long ago.

Talk about applied faith. And some of what Mark Twain said, "all one has to have is ignorance and determination, and success is sure."

Hmm, as this is running on, I feel a theme is developing. Gonna have to sit down and figure it out. So NOT going to figure out the 'troika' of AKA, ex-wife, and Tee Jay. Maybe need to add Nebraska to that. Because gentle reader, on the outside and running quite strongly, is one that for whatever reason went unnoticed by the odds makers, and was not even a line given as the race begun ...

... anywho, (actually, I do that purposely, even in everyday speech) I really could identify with what Mike was talking about. I know what I would like said about me where it is said that I resemble the qualities that he displayed at his press conference.

The Formula Explained

THE SHORT STORY

Spend five minutes LISTENING to Mike Singletary, interim coach of the San Fransico 49'ers, explain why he sent one his players to the locker room during the game.

The cat, Vernon Davis had incurred a 15-yard penalty and walked off the field and sat on the bench. Mike wasn't having that, and told him he could leave.

Would LOVE to hear what you thought of what he said. I WILL definitely explain what I heard. Oh BTW, spoke with my ex-wife ... interesting, and AKA hasn't called, but did send some email links and stuff. Que sera. Oh, and today is Tee Jay's official B-Day, and I took her some roses and came home.

But Mike Singletary is riveting. You can imagine if he is this way as a coach, what he was like as a player! Enjoy!

The Shadows of Uncertainty

WOW ..!

Looking at the numbers to the left, I have really been doing a lot of rambling! A bit too much, if you ask me. If my life IS that noteworthy for so much writing, then I should be on television! Anyhow (got it right this time!), I have been reading Don Quixote and chilling, pretty much. Still trying to find a football game to watch, because that is something that I do, you know?

This has been a long political season. I am very surprised that Hilary Clinton isn't among the top two. I still think she has a lot to offer, if given the opportunity. Don't think that she would fit in an Obama administration, and to be honest, I don't know if Joe Biden is the right cat for Veep. People who run to be president don't seem to me to be the kinds of people who want to play the '... and the Sundance Kid', you get me?

One of the problems reading Don Quixote again, is that this time, I am wondering if I am suffering from a 'Quixotic Complex', imaging myself as something more than I am. When I was younger and had less aversion to risk, it was okay to be willing to chuck it all at a whim. For me, it seems to be a fine approach, one that would have amounted to more had I been a better 'finisher'. But I wonder now if I am not lost in delusions of what I want things to be, rather than seeing things as they are.

Spoke with AKA, as I took the bait. It is unlikely that her Da would have called without running things past her first. I called her, with that as my premise, I asked her why didn't she tell him that we weren't talking, and last she knew, I was angry with her?

Her reply was some gobbledy-gook about that being between us, but if he asked you first, then you were a part of the arrangement as well. Then she got clever, and reminded me of what I said, saying something to the effect that, 'if I could write her off just like that, why should she call me, like ever again.'

I thanked her, for reminding me that I said the 'tomorrow thing', because I meant it. Sure, I like you and everything, while we did exchange hard words, I still have strong feelings about you.

BUT, I am not unfamiliar to things like this. The problem I am having is THAT YOU WERE WRONG. I miss you, but hey, you punked me. Thanks for reminding me ...

ON BOXING

You can say you are a tough cat, and that you hit like a mule kicks. Everyone around you can tell me that you are going to smear me across the ring, that you are too fast and too strong and all those other things. That can be what they know, but you see, the bell, once it rings, I will let me find out EXACTLY what it is that everyone is talking about ...

... and I get to show YOU what I am talking about.

People that want to tell me that they are known to have been sharp with their tongue or tell the truth to people who need to hear it, IMO, generally have glass chins. Tell THEM something, and they can't take it.

When the bell rings, all that matters now is winning the fight. Looking fancy for the crowd, impressing my friends doesn't mean nearly as much as beating the stars out of you. Shouldn't have to tell anyone that, but there are people who are so high on themselves, that invairably we clash.

There is only one way to fight, y'all do know that.

So after she reminded me about what I said, I thanked her, because if you think for one second that I am going to anywhere near an apology, you have lost your mind. My HUGE issue with her is that she likes to play the indecisive game, and I put up with that, even though it is a HUGE problem for me. I like her, and I enjoy her company, so I put up with it.

Her Dad said I could come by Wenesday to finish up. Fine. If I don't hear from her between now and then, I will have my answer, regarding us,. And the NEXT time her Dad asks whether or not I am busy, she will be able to give him an answer, and not me.

Then Miss Smarty Pants, can remind herself that I said I am on a train by myself to the next day. Miss you? Man, where have you been? I have had to get over A LOT WORSE than this.

She did ask about what would happen if she apologized (does she get it?). I told her that I didn't know, because as I have said, I will hurt and ache to get through to where I want to be. Can't say that will put me over things, and that is being honest.

And this is why the 'Ex List' is such a challenge. Yes Elizabeth, these ladies would be justified in slapping my face and pointing me on my way. BUT, they aren't daisies themselves, which is why I didn't bother people after the 'cessation of hostilities' before I reached this conculsion, of 're-dating'being a good idea.

They have THEIR issues to deal with as well.

Gonna switch to 'Nightmares & Dreamscapes'. The story 'The House on Elm Street' keeps calling, that and 'Dolan's Cadillac'. And I don't know if y'all no it or not, but the BUCKEYES are back in the race for the title game!

And I don't care who likes it! Go Buckeyes!

RANDOM MUTTERINGS

FIRST OFF ...

'MUTTER' was a way cool release by Rammenstein. Wanted to let all who read, know that!

Don't know the name of this song, but this just in ... Beyonce is SUPERNOVA! Still, this is the first time I have paid her any attention. I am sure that is another indicator of something in me that has changed. What does it want, this change? It isn't 'here' yet, but it is coming.

SPLIT WOOD WITH AKA'S DAD

But that is between me and him. She wasn't involved at all. Didn't chop my ankle or break his fingers. So that means things went well. One of his two sons was at the house, which I thought ... anywho, if you think I would let a sisters' friend come help MY DAD with yard work, you must have lost your MIND! Car repair and other technical, handyman stuff, I tend to hang back and provide comic relief. But I hang around.

This cat, BL, stayed in the house the whole time. I NEVER cared for him much, or OB, the Other Brother. OB tried to make a funny on me, watching highlights of the cat who dropped me on telly, back when I was getting to know his sister. He also 'plays the religon card', as he has recovered from his wilder days. I wouldn't mind talking to him 'up close and personal', you know?

Anywho, didn't mind getting out and being useful on a pretty early fall day.

IT'S THE LONLINESS, STUPID

"The abscence of faith, is desperation."

So I work at not being 'alone', which is one of the reasons I didn't let the problems AKA and I have keep me from helping out her Dad. For all my people skills (ask Nebraksa about my 'general geniality') I mainly am by myself most days. When I began this particular leg of my life's journey, I thought about how I would frame this particular episode, how I would track these events that occur as I go from 'here to there'. One of my concerns is trying to avoid mission creep as I move along.

Some expansion of my goals is to be expected, as success breeds confidence. Yet I want to avoid putting myself in a situation that in the long term may hinder or even cause me to miss my mark entirely. And I don't want to mistake 'success' for being on the right path, because there are times where I have thought that I was going the proper direction, only to find myself further away than I was before I started moving out.

For someone who has captured my fancy as Nebraska has, we actually don't speak or even write much. This is something that happened when we first began to connect, which is why I had to 'waiver' her into this part of my life. Even then, she operated off on her own, which I am used to. Most sister girls find themselves taken aback by my approach. They find their excuses, trying to hint at my masculinity, or intimidated because I can add AND subtract. Then, because I am not a 'kool-aid drinker', not abscribing to the group-think that accepts the contrasts between doing what you think, and following along with the crowd.

When we reconnected late last year, there was a rush of emotion, and honestly, SHE was as dreamy about 'us' as anyone this side of the Ozarks. But something happened on her end, she came down to earth, even as she agreed to meet me. Don't know what it was, exactly. But sometimes I look over some of our IM's and emails, trying to see if I can find a clue to what it may be. That it is several degrees beyond the level of thinking I deem necessary, says a lot to me. This isn't supposed to be easy, but it also shouldn't be this hard.

When it comes to meeting folks across the Internet, she was the second person. The other time I hooked up with folks from an on-line community, was back in the late '90's, when some folks in the Britpop chat went to Vegas for a Morrissey show at the House of Blues. Only two 'meets', but the inclination was always there in me. I trust and believe in what I trust and believe in. So when it came to getting that meet together, and what I feel towards Nebraska, I am content with those feelings, certain that true feelings of love can exist out here on the internet. I could go next door and meet a crap person... the eyes play tricks on you, who is to say that the woman that I see at Mickey D's is any more 'right' than anyone else I could meet online?

OF DARKHORSES ...

Which is what 'mission creep' is about. The unseen and the unknown things that are happening as you are happening in your life and moving on your own way. Thought awhile back I would purposely speak on them, but it never came out. Maybe they will soon, I don't know. Tomorrow I am going to go downtown, to 'Good Girls Go To Paris', get a crepe, then over to Astoria for a cookie or two, as I ride up Woodward, just to ride up it. If it rains, let it rain. If it snow, let it snow.

Back in my angsty mid 20's, still reeling (but not acknowledging) the ache of my marriage, I would think about what I thought about my love life, and why I found myself attracted to people who could find it easy to make me feel completely ignored. Of course, this meant that people who adored me, I IGNORED. Curse the wisdom of J. Geils!

At any rate, I am going to go out, read 'Nighmares & Dreamscapes' and finish off 'Don Quixote', as I try to get a handle on my focus. Y'all be well!

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN, BOY DETECTIVE

I have always preferred the company of books. Other than 'Happy Days', I can't really call anything I watched regularly that wasn't sports. 'The World At War', 'Wild Kindom' and George Perot's travel show were things that caught my attention.

Leroy 'Encyclopedia Brown' and his friend Sally Hemmings were two of my 'bests friends'. Between the two of them, they would solve cases often by doing thing that I do, noticing the little things, and finding the discrepensy between people as they are, as they want you to think they are, then finding their main interest for doing something.

People tend to do things that are in their own interests, so the trail was usually 'warm'. It was a matter of finding that thread and pulling until the story unraveled.

'The Inferno' came into my life through a comic book, where they used Dante's work as a storyline. I thought the comic book was good, and finding out that there was a real story that provided the base, meant I had to read it! So I did, and man oh man, I loved it. I would read that again and again, though I prolly hadn't since I turned thirty. There are times where I wonder what circle I am in, and if I can somehow find my way out ... was my relationship with Mookie my 'purgatory'?

In the Army, my barracks in Korea was a stones throw from the rec center, where the library was at. Don't know if anyone has been on Army post, but in my mind, you want for NOTHING. Libraries are LIBRARIES. I have visited colleges that did not have the materiel that some military base libraries have! Anywho, it was there, just looking for a book to keep me company on a Saturday night (which at the time, was a choice thing ... the pathetic 'home alone, undesired, Mark' was checked at the gate when I left for basic training. Hadn't had to be 'lonely' until I got back with Mookie), and I picked up a collection of the works of Nikolai Golgol. I had heard of him, maybe read an exerpt or two. So I took a chance.

His best known work? 'The Overcoat' comes to my mind, but something else may come to yours. But his story about some nameless clerk, a minor, minor cog in the bureacracy of early 19th century Russia and his delusions spoke to me. 'Diary of a Madman', his story of how he became obsess with the beautiful daughter of his bureau's director, echoed what was then a fading sentiment in my life. But at the time, it was still strong. He fantasy relationship with someone far above his social station reminded me that I was always, always, going to be someone who was not in the loop, someone who was always going to be, not for any reason other than who he is, an outsider.

Some teacher gave me Richard Wright's 'Black Boy' when I was in jr. high. Read that and read 'Native Son', which was a good read, but I didn't identify at all with Bigger Thomas. But Cross Damon ..?

Black folks have some serious, serious issues amongst themselves. We reflect each other, and sometimes I think it is the sight of the ignorance, the lack of opportunity, and the inablity to change the arc of their lives, is what drives the black on black crime and disrespect. I don't know of any other group who openly sells hurtful depections of themselves to be consumed en masse for profit.

The irony of all the garbage we (yeah, cause I am not only a commentator on it, but a piece of the driving force behind it) celebrate our 'ignorance' and then want respect from the wider society. You can't have it both ways, people. I have struggled with finding the one path to walk and let branches come of it, rather than walking down a branch that eventually leads to a dead end.

Cross Damon, the protagonist (to me) of the 'Outsider'. He finds himself caught as a smart cat, trapped by the limited expectations of a black man. In a crap marriage, a chance happening leads him to take on a new identity and a new life. But the weight of who he can't be and what he can't compromise in his vision leads to a sad, sad end for him.

So if I hadn't had 'forgiveness' in me by then, I did after I read that book. Make no mistake, I never once blamed anything or anyone for my circumstance, from getting picked on, to marrying the wrong person. I did all that. But I have always believed in the power of forgiveness. In Cross Damon, I saw QUITE a bit of myself in, but he couldn't forgive those around him, he couldn't get over his circumstance ... he didn't know it, but in small, incremental ways, he had given himself over to the very things he fought hard against.

That is why his end was such a sad, pathetic one. I keep him in my mind, to remind me to never, never give up. Everything has been given to me, so that means it is UP TO ME. People talk about 'taking responsiblity', and how to do it, but there isn't a lot of talk about forgiveness, to others as well as to ourselves.

AND NOW WE ARE BACK IN THE 90's

But I have written a few pages. I will pick up from here another time. Meanwhile, enjoy this song by Colin Hay. Real good song, real approriate, dontcha know.

Making two lefts to go right!

I admit, I am a little confused. I know you have some lingering feelings for Tee Jay, but your goal has been to get to Nebraska. Are you getting sidelined by distractions, or is this what you really want. There is no in-between here, you should pick.
I have to admit, that there is a lot of mess in my latest entries. Perhaps I should talk a little bit more about me.

Now what has occurred to me as a result of boxing (hmmm, you mean to tell me that years of getting hit in the head is NOT a good thing?) has left me with a variety of challenges. But they are challenges that I believe that I am uniquely equipped to face.

Sometimes, I don’t think that most people ‘pick up’ on anything right away, but after Nebraska said she ‘caught it’ when we met at the bus station, I have given up caring, because it doesn’t matter to me. I know what I can do. Anywho, as to why I feel that I am ready for this next stage to my life, it begins with an article I read in the Greensboro News & Record, one that I clipped and saved (but please don’t make me go and get it right this second!) about the brain.

It seems that the brain once was considered ‘static’, as it was believed it did not grow and you had what you got. But that isn’t the case, and the brain has its own way of remaking itself. You know how it is when you have one of your senses affected; other senses ‘pick up’ the slack? The brain does that, and you can consider that akin to the way your body changes from exercise. It gets stronger and more effective.

When I read that, as I have never not once been acutely aware of the risks from boxing (btw, more FOOTBALL PLAYERS suffer serious brain injuries than boxers), and its potential effect on me. So I kept reading and learning, being more than willing to try something different and experience things.

Rode in a stock car, and did some of that rafting stuff in W. Va. All sorts of ‘non-black’ things (I couch it that way, because of intercene ignorance … the agony of that), as well as the usual ‘Mark stuff’, reading, trying to write, and general willingness to learn something new. And I do feel I operate with a larger 'budget' than most, so there is still enough for me to spend, you get me?

Who is to say WHEN things started to happen? Could have begun when I was let go of my last job, as my performance had slipped, perhaps? I did know that I was ‘touched on my shoulder’ for my last fight, and said that was it. But going back a little, before I lost my job, my BFF and I were talking about life and love, and that is when I came up with my idea of ‘going back to go forward’.

For me, the more I think about it now, the more sense it makes for me, even more than it did then. I have had great fortune with ladies (though I have to admit, is was more as a rake and as a dandy than a gentleman), and that in trying hard to be one person cat, that someone who KNEW that is what I want, would be able to ‘help’ me, and understand that they were also helping ‘us’ at the same time.

It came into my consciousness as ‘things I have never done before’, which allows for it to be a workable theory. The way it goes, is that if you have things you have never tried, yet you still want something, how badly do you want it? I mean, if there is something that could make it happen for you and you chose to ignore all possibilities …

As bad as a choice it is for most people, I didn’t think that it would be that bad for me. Whatever bad will or acrimony between us should have died down … right? At any rate, I liked my instincts. Not only that, for the first time in my life, I was hung up over someone.

It had been a couple years after we broke up, when I came up with a way to factor Tee Jay into my thoughts. Had started chatting up Nebraska around the same time, and figured I could pop her back into ‘my life’ this way as well.

Sometimes, fate is what you make when you make the right choices. What is right for now is to be a little confused, not because I am, but because those are big things to consider, and I have other smaller things to attend to. And isn’t it usually when you get to all the small things, the big things either go away or aren’t that big at all?

To me Ken, this issue is a ‘big thing’ and I can’t swallow this in one chunk. My emotional needs far outweigh my physical desires. I don’t need to lay with anyone, but it would be nice to let my heart speak and sing (as off key as it is!) once in awhile. Nebraska doesn’t let me ‘talk this way’ with her, and admittedly if Tee Jay responded, it would be a case of ‘getting what I asked for’.

Plus, Sage Steele is quite fetching in the mornings, and I am not yet ready to give her up!

Essays

LIKE MARY CATHERINE GALLAGHER ...

I have written down more than what I have shared, not wanting to clog up mailboxes with my spinnings. Sometimes getting thing 'out' is enough, and that was what that 'open letter' was for me, getting some of what is for real in me, out. Pressure burst pipes, and keeping all that emotion inside of me, for what, nearly 3 years is redlining my heart's PSI!

Should that letter ever go out, it won't until after the first of the year, at the EARLIEST. There is still so much ahead for me yet to be ready for anything else other than my own personal details, that I don't need to be thinking about anything other than doing what is best for me. I am not going to have a 'competition' about this, but come to a conclusion and make a decision.

Doesn't have to be now, as I don't know what I don't know. Period.

Right now, I have been looking to media figures, in literature, film, and comic books in the halls of my mind, as I try to find my way through this. And what is 'this'? Oddly enough, it is the responsibility that comes from reaching your goals. The more successful you are, the more the pressure builds. Kipling says, you should learn to treat triumph and disaster the same, you are on your way to your personal victory. I have dealt with loss, with 'disaster'. It is the winning that I am trying to grab a handle on now.

I would like to think that I have been a transitive person, capable of finding myself at home with people who on the surface, you would see nothing in common to me, or a group, but finding that thread that connects people to and thru me. That is why 'Forrest Gump' appealed to me when I saw the movie. That was what I recall most of all, how he stayed the same as he brought all those different elements in his life together.

There have been those who were resistant to my 'charms', most notably my ex wife. She herself became a 'postulate' of sorts, proving to me that I may have loved my Mother as many of us do, but that I DO NOT want to marry her. She is the only person who ever reminded ANYONE of our Mother, even if in a small way. I have never dated anyone who I could identify any aspect of my Mother in them.

I have enjoyed my choices more, and continued to 'walk down' my partner, getting a little closer and closer each time. My Delta Girl was a gift and I blew that, but afterwards, I would get closer and closer to finding 'her'.

Literary figures, other media characters have always been guides for me, hence the 'Mary Margret' reference, to Molly Shannon's dizzy catholic school girl who was always equating her feelings to a made for tv movie, or sappy 80's rock song. In fact, in one journal, a song by 'the only band that matters', The Clash was on the playlist. 'Lost In The Supermarket' was a song that kept a smile on my face, because that is how I felt, but it was a good and happy feeling, because even though all the 'things' may have been around me, I always thought I would come to a good end.

So though it would have been cool to have grown up with a Dad full time, I don't think I fared badly at all. Even when I had thought about how it would have been to have had a Dad full time, I tend to think of what Joe Louis told Billy Conn, when Conn bemoaned his chance to be champion slipping away because of his mistake. He said, "I could have been heavyweight champion ...", and Louis replied, "Could have? You were for 12 rounds!", as he had out boxed the great champion before he pull a tactical error and got knocked out. I DID have a father in the home. You know, I didn't realize that, until I finished that thought right there.

My Mother was stretched by work and five very busy and active children. I think that was my most selfish period, because I didn't want the weight of being the oldest, most responsible child. Jan would have relished that, and I have always thought that she would have done a better job. But in looking at how things have turned out, I think the right one was the oldest, for both my siblings and my steps.

The 48219 is VERY different from the 48227. I have always described the 227 as 'chippy', and the years have not been at all kind to the area. But the difference then between the two areas seemed to be just as stark as they are now, but I was still the big brother. Odd, because I have felt more 'first son' here than at 'home'. I have chalk that up to the hegemony of women in black culture, particularly the single mothers, who poison the daughters and make ruinous sons (and yes dearest, I count myself among 'the ruinous), and make it so easy for the mistakes of one generation to be pass on to the next.

Anywho, I think that it was different over here with my Dad's people. I was always THE first born son, and it meant something. The position to play was clear, and all I had to do was fill the role. There was only one 'incident' and it set my reputation permanently around these parts. Someone bullied my eldest step brother, and my Dad was out of town and I was in the house. I walked and walked the neighborhood, looking for that cat that day, to no avail. Weeks later, I did get the opportunity to have an 'up close and personal' chat with him, and he was ALONE.

I just talked with him. But if you ever saw the movie, 'New Jack City' and there is a scene where Ice-T's police officer has the drop on Wesley Snipes' Nino Brown ... that meet was similiar to that, because it WAS like that. Anywho, I got my props, most importantly from my steps, who began to identify MORE with me as their older brother.

THE BIG FINISH

I want to find my bliss, find my happiness. Pretty simple, pretty 'a yes, a no, a straight line, a goal' kind of thing there. Getting to that is a simple as excuting that idea, provided that I am going to work as hard as it takes to get there.

Next issue: Encyclpedia Brown, Dante and Virgil, some minor clerk, and Cross Damon make appearences!

OPEN LETTER

Now, I am hoping that I can get better responses than I did for my recipe suggestions ... I really would like to do something special with a lasagna! Anywho, here is a letter that hasn't been sent, but may get sent. Make correction and ID any additions you would make to someone you still love, and who might, just might, still love you as deep. Hold on, cause here we go!

Tee Jay,

The more that I think about you, the more I can remember.

I remember you taking me to a place in Dearborn, some sort of suites and it was an event you planned out in detail. It was totally unexpected and no one had ever done anything like that for me before you.

There was the first fight we went to in Ohio with your cousin, and I don't know how y'all put up with me 'sparking' all over the place. I was fuming because I could only knock the cat down, and didn't get a stoppage. Who knew I was such a sore winner? How did you put up with me ..?

Especially the time I went away to spar and the cat was handing it to me on a daily basis. I don't know I could have lasted the contract out, if not for you putting up with my calling like a homesick child at his first sleep away camp! Glad that I had you behind me, pushing me into the ring!

Oh, I remember seeing you pay your respects to my Mother, even with me having my head up my butt. You could have been forgiven for not showing up. But you did, and I do remember it. That is why me and my Best Sister thought we would eventually get back together, because if you knew how much my Mom liked, and I mean LIKED you ...

Then there was the time you allowed me to get drunk for New Year's and you didn't 'gig' me too badly for the eventual calling of everyone drunk cousins -- Ralph and Earl!

I recall a Piston game in Auburn Hills, we went to as a family, and not just because it was the first time I saw Ben Wallace up close (he played for Orlando then, and he looks WAY bigger in person than on the telly), but because I was certain that we were well on our way to marriage.

And of course, I remember looking into your eyes and seeing the most love anyone other than my Mother had for me in them. I could only hope that I was keeping up with you, and giving you that love back.

One of the reasons I went back to Mookie, was that I am sure that I have already been with my 'wife'. I also wanted to be with someone who knew how I could love them, and would be willing to let me give my love to them. That is what I want, to be loved and to love someone in return. I thought that Mookie knew, but she apparently didn't.

Not going to pretend that I don't know what I am getting myself into. I knew what it was going to be like, but I had to be certain that I could deal with the 'thin air' of being committed to someone, even if they were 'less than' committed to me. Could I indeed 'take' what I have 'given out'? Because I am sure that is what it would take whoever I am with, that there would be an ebb and flow to things before it found its 'height'.

So I dealt with the disappointment, the emptiness, the grief, so that I could be strong enough to be there for all the good that a potential relationship has to offer me ...

... when I found her. Again.

You never gave me any reason to worry. You could have done what ever you wanted while you were with me, don't know if it would have mattered to me. I don't think I had ever loved and trusted a person as much as I had you.

Still do.

These are the things that comes to mind when I think of what we had together. I took so much for granted, never in any endeavor of my life, had I left so much 'on the table'. There is nothing I ever wanted to do over more, than that time in our relationship where I let you go. So much was still on the table for us ...

Hope this covers the 'what I remember' from our relationship. Hopefully I have been able to 'recall' enough of 'us' for you. Can't wait to see you again. Be well.

Love always,
Mark

FOR REAL. Either do a 're-write' in your comments or email me @ markonit@aol.com, and I will make the change. Offer closes on Thursday morning!

What To Expect

Out of 'Friend' ..!

Even though both are going to be public, this is going to become more of a journal. I don't want dwell on the things going on with my life in 'Freind On The Backroads'. It is going to be my place in the sun, where I go to find a moment of zen!

Right now, I am watching this video mash up of Rihanna and the B52's, Love Shack/Shut Up and Drive. This just in, Rihanna is HOT! You know, I have come to the conclusion that the Sage Steele phenonmenon is to get me to broaden my choices in a potential partner.

Nixxie and Pecan Sandie weren't to the template in my mind. They were great girls, and I was fortunate to have had two such quality people cross my life. But this isn't to say that I won't still be interested in full figured women. In fact, I finally spoke to a woman here in the Metro, at the ubiquitous Meijer's where the old DRC once stood. She was a 'normal' Mark girl, so it isn't like I am totally going to abandon my type. More like I am going to 'add' to my potential choices.

WORDS AND GUITAR

What does it mean, to have a favourite song? There are some songs that are so memorable to me, for a variety of reasons. There is a song by a band called 'Boom Boom Satelites' called 'On The Painted Desert' that is song that makes me think about the lushness of sharing a wonderful relationship with someone. Not only that, it is a real place that maybe I CAN share with someone.

The video clip of TV on the Radio performing 'Staring At The Sun' on Letterman has me mesmerized. I bought the cd after hearing a brief snippet on Amazon.com. Had no real idea of what their music would sound like, but the high concept name had me hooked. I stare at my monitor, listening to the music and watching their performance thinkin that maybe I will write some lyrics and find a way to put them to music and make someone feel like that song makes me feel.

I wish that I could have found my 'Soundtrack to Nebraska' song list. I may try to read back and pick out the songs to it. There is ONE SONG in particular that makes me think of my trip out there, but that is another entry!

While I ended up making 'How Soon Is Now?' my favourite Smith song, I remember the song, 'This Charming Man' as being the first song that made me pay them any attention. That song, was at one time more true and accurate description of me, at least how I heard it.

'Why ponder life's complexities when the leather runs smooth on the passenger seat?' is a lyric that I break up and use in my writing. It is my sublte reminder to quit thinking so much and just let some things be. I would like to think that the protagonist was able to find his way to being 'This Charming Man' (yeah, I know that isn't what the song was about, but that is the beauty of making music ... it varies from listener to listener what the song is saying!)

I guess that is going to be it for now. Michigan State v. Ohio State tomorrow afternoon ... and this is going to be a real NPR/football weekend for me! Hope y'all enjoy yours!

Wrote all that and said ...

... nothing, absolutely nothing. Did I overreach? Think too much? Could be the length of my trip. I have come so very far, and have further yet to go. Further Seems Forever is more than the name of a cool band, it is a real pyschological feeling.

So I am not going to 'think' this, but put what I am feeling.

When I couldn't make things work with Pecan Sandie, I came to a point in my life where I was really tired of how I was bumbling thru my life. Tired of feeling that being 'not black enough', or being 'not macho enough' was holding me back, because IT WASN'T. Prolly never did, at least not after high school.

Got tired of feeling like I was not worthy of finding the love that I wanted, tired of feeling that how I priortize things is wrong, tired of HEARING what I know and have had inside of me, devalued by society. By ignorance. Just by those who don't understand that you can't do the same thing that everyone else does, and that because everyone else does it, if it isn't what is in, it is out.

Tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of making excuses and finding ways to NOT be what I could.

The one thing about that is, I know that for me to reach deeper in myself, I will have to find a partner. That was written a long time ago, and THAT just is. I am not confused about myself, and I apologize to those who were. But what am I going to do, when someone allows their opinion not to be formed by their own objectivity and refuses to try to confirm for themselves what they hear?

One of the reasons that I am glad that AKA and I fell out, is that I know, KNOW she has a great deal of deep love for me. I didn't want to be responsible for taking up space in her life, if she still wants to be married. She didn't tell me that she felt that strong in our first life ... but she doesn't have to tell me now. I know better than that.

Thinking about the big fancy words in blue from my earlier entry, the reason that it is a 'rule' stuck to me kept gnawing at me. Couldn't concentrate all day. Was that what I wanted to say, regarding that 'rule'?

Being 'sure' about the general measures ... am I being true to those ideals that I have held close to me? Or am I letting doubt and insecurity get to me?

Nebraska LIKES me. Tee Jay LOVES me. That is what THEY'VE SAID to me.

The things that Tee Jay says she is looking for, isn't something that is new to me. She all but said that she is looking for ME. She wants to be wooed, she wants to be won over, she wants to be treated like she is precious. Like I did, once before, for a good run. She knows what I KNOW about me, and that is huge. She has stood up for me as I have for her.

There are also the intangible coincidences in our lives. Where we lived, where we went to school, where we worked, until finally, WE MET.

One of the things that made me leave Mookie, is that she stopped wanting me. It doesn't matter why, she just stopped. Nebraska, while she has acknowledged an 'affinity' for me, she has made it crystal clear that she doesn't see 'us'.

I want someone who does. I want someone who can see 'we'.

No, I do NOT want to life in Detroit ... but dontcha know, Tee Jay was willing to move with me to CAROLINA when a prospective opportunity came up. So why can't I stay here ... because it starts here, who KNOWS where it would end?

See, I could go out west, after my Army Sister has shipped off to Korea, and try to walk that high wire again, being in a foreign climate. Or I could do what I am going to do, which is to date Tee Jay, reaffirm my feelings for her, and see what happens.

Nebraska has her 'friend'. What happens with that, is between them. Trust in your 'lieutenants'.

That says it all, doesn't it?

Perhaps it will end up that I am sitting happily in Memorial Stadium, in my red NEBRASKA hoodie on. Or maybe I have found someone to take a dinner cruise on past Wyandotte ...

I am going to find out, that is for sure.

FIFTEEN

THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT THE BAND'S NAME

'TV On The Radio'. And flipping things around 'bout the music I listen to is going to be a big, big, part of my other entries in 'Friend'. The clip from 'The Letterman Show' where they did 'Staring At The Sun' puts me in a trance.

OH, I DO PLAN ON KEEPING ON WITH THIS, FOR A GOOD WHILE YET

Another thing that I used to do, is respond to comments left in a entry. I mean, I think that letting y'all know what has helped or how YOUR journeys influences mine, is what I think this is all about. I was asked if I would keep on with this once I got to Nebraska, and the answer is 'yes'.

AFTER THE ECSTASY...

...the laundry. The end of this week's NCIS with the flashback to Gibb's father meeting the woman who would be his wife was very interesting. Though the show is pretty much the same one every week, we watch it because of it familiar nature.

The show was full of 'oh, so that is where he got that from' moments. But the scene at the end, where Gibbs parent's meet, where you can see that keeping 'rules' and identifying by the family name was something that came from HIS MOTHER.

Just thought that was deep.

When I remember what was so right about my best relationships, it was the give and take bringing us together, rather than the differences keeping us apart. That said, I am not going to be going back and forth, looking at one and then at the other. Why go in circles and then drop dead? Freedom of Choice, IMO implies a resposibility to actually MAKE A CHOICE.

It is just that it isn't that time yet.

"We must therefore, be confident that the general measures we have adopted will produce the results we expect. Most important in this connection is the trust which we must have in our lieutenants. Consequently, it is important to choose men on whom we can rely and to put aside all other considerations. If we have made appropriate preparation, taking into account all possible misfortunes, so that we should not be lost immediately if they occur, we must boldly advance into the shadows of uncertainty."

It is random how these 'Rules' fell into place. I did not put them in any particular order, it just as I was coming up with this plan to go on this particular journey, going back to my relationship future, that I was 'cleaning up' the life notes I had taken. This made sense to me, and to my life.

My 'nervous' isn't your nervous. Watching Nik Wallendas handle his feat on 'The Today Show' was inspiring to be that cool under that kind of pressure. Something related to that kind of coolness resides in me ...

...or so I tell myself!

My brother and me, did what we did. My Army sister says we have a 'charisma', which is cool, I guess. But 'charisma' is the root of 'charlatan' and I am trying to avoid being that. And it has been hard. I have always felt like an in-betweener, operating in the spaces between cliques trying to fit in. It hasn't been easy finding myself.

Still not sure if I have. Are you ever supposed to be? Anyway, I know who I feel I can trust, and I feel that I can trust myself. There is so much that can happen between spaces, as I know all to well. So I am going to restate that my ultimate goal and desire is to be in a healthy, loving, long term relationship. I want to be happily married. Period.

"We knew the environment." So I am going to table this conversation for a while. Time to exercise patience, and let the work that I have done, work. Called Tee Jay and got a tentative date set up for sometime next week. Keep it simple, just a dash of 'character', taking her to Pizzapolis (thanks alaina!) downtown.

...WHAT HAPPENS WHEN EXPECTATIONS MEET ...

THE DATE

Getting right to it, it was a 90% successful event. Though I did most of the talking (wow, like that is a surprise!), Tee Jay more than held her own. Almost from the moment she came to pick me up, the air was electric around us. Being able to finally separate from the worries and concerns that comes when you go out with a 'first, first date', was great from both sides. We both had very real expectations of what was about to happen.

She is like so over whatever broke us up, having chalked that up to my coming uncharacteristically apart at the time. She asked why I didn't do anything when I found out that she wasn't part of a coupling, and I told her that at the time that happened, I WAS. What was I going to tell her, in good faith, that she was now available, that I only 'love' Mookie, but I 'really, really love' you? How was I to present myself, if I could find a way to be like all the other cats roaming the dark streets and alleys?

I couldn't tell who was trying to woo who, as she reminded me several times that I was attractive ... and I was taken by her new hairstyle. It really was a mutual admiration thing.

She had something called 'Mango Madness' and I had a Heiniken. The desert was crap (another 'note to self' about MB). We chatted some more about other things, me, with the contrasting juxaposition (I AM at the library and the big dictionary is right here!) between my sister's and me. My Army sis is going to a good posting in Korea, Jan is supposedly Miami bound, and of course my Best Sister is in Chicago.

She understands how that makes me feel. I told her that I have met a friend online who says that they'd help me get established in Nebraska. No Elaine, I did not tell her that 'my friend' is a she, and I will prolly get to why soon enough. After all, her knowing me as she does, to beat on that drum is overkill. I have already told her that I would only stay in Detroit to be with her. Don't think I need to remind her of that.

I told her that I missed 'trading on her ghetto pass', going to clubs and bars with her, people looking at me like, 'who let him in?' and then someone saying, 'Aw, he's cool, he's with Tee Jay!' She had a laugh, and said that maybe I wasn't 'ghetto' enough for her. So I reminded her that she didn't care then and she doesn't now.

Her eyes glinted.

She took me home. She prolly picked up whatever it was Nebraska picked up when she saw me ... still, it didn't put her off. Kissed her good night and floated to the top of the porch, into the house and up to bed ...

...where I slept soundly, and with a smile creasing my face, no doubt!

ANNOUCEMENT: I figure I am going to keep 'Friends' working as 'a blog', but this will be my 'journal'. Hope I don't clog up your mail or take too much of your time (and you know who you are!) with my gibberish.

NEXT ISSUE: HONEST ASSESMENTS!

Monday, Monday

... first, a word ( or two) about my Army sister

She is the older twin to my best sister, and they are frats, not identical. The twins are smart apples, taking that part from me. I see a lot of influences from me in them, and my Army sister isn't an Army sister by mere chance.

Growing up, she did all the educational extra cirriculars, for instance, she was part of the DAPCEP program. She was tracking for college, until her senior year, when I had blown thru and she told me that she was tired of school, and didn't know what she should do.

We sat down and talked. I told her about what I think the service does for people, and that I am proof of that. It took me out of Detroit, kept me from harm, gave me great opportunity to be something I hadn't considered. Had I not gotten hurt, I would still be there, crying 'death from above' as I typed my DF's for some Colonel!

Keep in mind, I recall telling her, that you aren't in there to get college money or to see the world. When you were the uniform, you are also to serve as the political will of the country. Don't cry if they send you 'somewhere'.

So we talked about her options, and she chose the USAF. Did her first tour, came home. Sat around for a couple of years and though we had fallen out, she did come and ask about going in the Army as prior service. I was like, 'Do that thang!' Recently, she got orders to go to Korea, and we talked a long time about that. I spent a tour over there, and loved it.

Suggested that she let her kids learn Korean, as they are at the ages where it will just sink in and become a 'natural' second language, being immersed in it and all. Since she doesn't talk to me about her marriage and all I am left with is innuendo, I skirted the 'erotic exotica' thing, as far as her hubby is concerned. I wasn't intersted in paying some little girl money to make me 'feel'. What is her hubby going to do, as civilian with time on his hands? Only the Shadow knows. Anyway, she has been married longer than I was, so I am thinking she knows her stuff.

Good wishes to her!

THE WEIGH- IN

Tee Jay called to confirm our date last night. One of the things that I considered when I was thinking about an 'ex-list' is that someone would know and understand how I do things. AKA forgot and there is consequences for that. Tee Jay remembered, and I can look forward to seeing her.

If someone doesn't confirm a date, then there IS NO DATE. I am not into scrambling around at the point of engagment. There is enough 'friction' that is going to occur without having to scramble around trying to 'get it together'. Tee Jay remembered that, so that is a very good sign.

Went to Meijer's and bought a little floral arrangement to present to her when she comes to get me. Going to a 'Mongolian Barbeque' in Dearborn. Good enough. And yes Genieve, I am a tad nervous. Being nervous is a new thing ... I was EXTREMELY nervous about meeting Nebraska. But that is what personal events like this is about, overcoming your self and things.

Bob Davie gave me this, though it came as he led the Irish into another loss. When asked if his team was 'overwhelemed' by the moment, he testily answered, "We knew the environment." When I saw Nebraska, every thing that I ever was, came to play. Looking back, perhaps it could have been this, maybe it could have been that (as if this and that were related), but it still an encounter that I will feel for the rest of my life.

What do I expect from tonight? That is a good question!

THIRTEEN

BUT FIRST, A WORD ABOUT TODAY

Scheduled a 'punishment run' for today, but given the emotional squall from being upset with AKA, I wasn't sure if I was up for it. Had different objectives for the day, so I dilly-dallied a bit, then finally got it in gear.

Running set the endorphins loose, so though I labored a bit, I was able to get into it. Then passing two cats at a bus stop, one of them jumped up to catch my attention. I turned and it was a cat who I grew up with, who lived across the street! As soon as I stopped and look, his name jumped into my mind!

He turned to his friend, and joked that "I was trying to act like I did not know who he was." I said, "How you going to play me, when I called you by your full name!"

I stopped and we chatted until his bus came. One thing that I have really liked about meeting cats from back in the day, when they talk about my boxing, they never mention the big fight I lost, but all the tough wins, and hard fights that I fought. No one ever brings up the 'other fights'.

Thinking back on how I almost was going to let the day go by, I was glad that I did, if all that happened was my running into my old friend. That was worth all the effort, getting out and going ahead with my day.

Oh, I got ALL of my goals attended. Oh, and UNC claimed a signature win today!

"We cannot take this uncertainty too seriously, and it is important to be prepared for it from the beginning."

Every now and again, I 'bug' Nebraska about my coming out her way. And admittedly it is a little bit far out to be worrying about it. There is so much that can happen between now and then. But I have been telling myself that THIS is where I was headed since March of this year. My away trip there will put to rest many of my concerns.

In life, many of what causes uncertainty in people comes from external sources. Often, we don't know how hair brained, how silly or just plain stupid is, until we let our intentions out. Then we get meek, and fret over all the things that others say is 'wrong' with our desires, our passions.

So in the preparations part, find out who has judgements that you can feel secure in, values that you share and a confidence that you trust, IMPLICITLY. You can take counsel from them, and consider what they say about your hopes. But since it is in the planning stages, you can make adjustments as needed without losing sight of your goal.

It doesn't bother me, for example, that she may be exasperated at some of the questions I have for her. I am just as exasperated at how certain areas that I speak about her city, are to her 'rough'. Right. And they grow petunias around ol' Denby High ... oh, I live on the west side, so perhaps I should give a shout to the fine, fine neighborhoods around Cody and Redford High. Those place AREN'T even rough, but that is because I have become sensitized to it. You gentle reader, would perhaps be of a different mind.

There is a blogger that is out here and she is a teacher somewhere around here, and she sometimes make a 'Jenny count' when she leaves in the morning. Me, I just say 'hey' to them on my run ... they do what they do and when I see them in the afternoon during their 'down' time, I chat with them, to give them a sense of being a normal person.

Anywho, the uncertainty is there, and it is a real thing. So I address my concerns, because when time comes for action, YOU ACT. Now is the time to ask what's what, and when the time comes, all you have to do, is what you have to do. Period.

EPILOGUE

Still haven't processed that mess with AKA, and since she taken a path that leads to irrelevancy in my life ... well, WHO CARES?

Pardon the Interuption

THE NUMBERS

Are part of a line of thought. This is an interruption, and will be self explanatory as to why there has been an, 'interruption'.

WHY FLORENCE, I AM HUMAN LIKE YOU, TOO!

I have feelings and emotions just like everyone else that walks this earth. There are things that 'get' me, and today AKA happened to 'get' to me.

*Sigh* There are things that just are. I don't know how I came to be the person I am, but I do know 'why'. On a much, much higher level, a decision was made, and here I am.

I am pretty deferential, as I hoped was understood by the entry I made earlier this week, when I spoke of how I took my leadership model from Sun Tzu. The endgame justifies the means. There is a memory of Michael Jordan passing the ball to Steve Kerr for a game winning shot. That is leadership, trusting in those around you and their ability to 'win the game'.

That is how I can let so much roll off me, not because I am meek and fearful, but unless it damages the central focus, interferes with the main purpose, then I can deal. Simple as that. I don't mind letting people have the freedom to express themselves regarding me, and I even play along. We are all friends, and it is all good, right?

We all know that we have each others best interests at heart, so what isn't to forgive one another?

But there are some places that you shouldn't go, just out of common decency. If there are things that you wouldn't do to, with, or say to a stranger, you had BETTER NOT do them with me. If you do treat strangers off-handed, and you claim to 'know' me, then you WELL KNOW not to treat me like some random cat you got from a shelter. Got me?

So we were talking on the phone noonish, and sometimes 'a thought balloon' burst, and something that hasn't been finished comes out. When it did, and because it wasn't clear, she couldn't make it out. So she asked me to repeat what I said, and I told her that I was talking to myself. Whatever her response, it was the wrong one. It was full of hubris and self-indulgence. I HATE that.

Like cursing, HATE is a dirty word in my mouth. So, you know what you are talking about, eh? Well, let's find out how much you know!

So she is telling me "I have told you not to do that with me, don't say something and don't finish when you are talking with me, blah, blah, blah ..." I waited, patiently, then I asked her a question.

"You know me so well, do you know why that happens?"

She said she didn't, and I told her why. I have suffered brain trauma from boxing. There are times where a 'thought' that most people keeps to themselves will slip out, unfinished. When I say that I was talking to myself, it is an honest statement. The thought wasn't meant to be 'audible'.

And after that, it was on.

Can't remember all that I said. I do recall telling her that I am sure that she has made exceptions and overlooked small things about me in our relationship. But this, this is a prime example of 'you ain't no daisy' in action. She is so caught up in something that is small, and making it out to be something so big. When people do that, I want to find out how 'big' it is to them.

I don't care for folks who 'claim' to be 'straight shooters' and they feel that they tell people about themselves, and say the things that they need to hear but don't want to hear. That is, m'lady fair, the red cape to the bull. At some point and time, I will shake the Ferdinand in me and charge. And let the chips fall where they may, FOR FREAKIN' REAL. I know want to find out how much of the 'they don't want to hear', YOU can stand to hear!

How angry was I? I cursed. I was ready to rumble and I went there, and STOOD. Said if this is it, well don't you know, tomorrow is going to come, and I plan to be on that train. If you take whatever you feel now with you, then that is you.

Yep AKA, you can go get over yourself, and when you do that, call and see what happens. Won't promise you will be recieved warmly, and as to you 'not calling', I thought it was understood that when I said I was taking the train to tomorrow, I only bought one ticket.

As I have done throughout my life, when I have either left or been asked to leave, that is that with that. The thing about the 'Ex List', is that I haven't EVER dated someone who I have reached an impasse with. So it is new for me. Not even in HIGH SCHOOL.

Mookie was the first. Took me 35 years to do something like that. Maybe I will come back to this, if I find it germane to anything. I am more focused on going forward, and doing what I believe is going to get me to where I want to be.

Sorry for the length, but I was upset. No football this weekend, cause I am off my que. Not only the AKA thing, but I have to get ready for Monday night. Need to focus on how I want THAT to come out.

Twelve

Me and Serendipity are like, really, really cool

My ex-wife could not STAND whenever there would be issue that concerned the family unit, how I would chain myself to the most positive result, almost ignoring the possibility of something negative happening. I would respond to her concerns and doubts with the phrase that I have to blow the dust off of, hadn't used it in quite a while now.

"See, I don't worry about the worst that can happen, because that is what happens to other people, it DOESN'T happen to me!"

So I have a desire to 1) try to go back in my past to find a once love and make it a new love (crap tv show be darned, it is well know what a bad idea that is!), and possibly 2) moving to the middle of nowhere to be NEAR someone who has said they aren't into me 'like that'. This also doesn't take into account my health and stability issues ... man, doesn't this seem like a recipe for tragedy?

How cool is that?

12. "If the leader is filled with high ambition and if he pursues his aims with audacity and strength of will, he will reach them in spite of all obstacles."

To be as 'bright eyed' as I am, I had to have something to 'mitigate' the prevailing feelings that exists in life, the 'you can't' crew that only sees failure ... FOR YOU and your pursuits. They never look at themselves and what is going right or wrong in their lives and give good advice based on that. The just want to tell you how doomed, your ambitions are set to failure.

Life is good, and it can be great, if that is what YOU make it.

Mookie stopped believing in the good that could be achieved in life with me. Cool, but for the life that she wanted, I think that the horse pulling that wagon has left the station. See, it is never enough to just 'want'. The part of the bargain that separates those who 'did' and those who 'didn't' is the 'pursuit' part of the deal. How hard did they chase what they wanted?

As I have said, I know that it is normally a bad, bad, VERY BAD idea to date and go after an ex. But man, I have met so many super cool and nice women, that I wanted to give 'my little fairy' (that is what Tee Jay called 'it') a break, and go and find someone who have and understanding of what I bring to the table, and they could imagine the direction their life would head in, with a degree of certainty, rather than the 'crossing of fingers' that goes on at the start of a new relationship.

From where I sit, many women fail to understand that they aren't daises anymore, that they are flawed and have Dom Perignon on their minds, but Olde English money in their pockets. Far be it from me to infringe on their hopes, but my thing is, what makes MY WANTS any less likely than THEIRS?

My style of leadership is taken from a cat who knows a thing or two about leadership, Sun Tzu. He said that a poor leader is one who says, "I did it." The good leader is the one who says, "They did it." But the best leader is the one where THE MEN says, "We did it!"

I know what being taken for granted is about. Angry ex wife, in our sit down, admitted to that. Didn't take a mental heavyweight to hear it in Mookie's voice, but with the both of them, it could have been concern for the uncertainty they face. Since they can't take a joke, screw 'em.

See, I believe very much in myself and what I bring to a relationship. The thing is, finding someone who values those things and shares in a vision that we can achieve.

I LIKE TO FEEL LIKE I FEEL!

FIRST OFF ...

The name of my new blog over at blogger.com, is A Friend On The Backroads of Life ... I have no idea why I can't make a link to it ... but that is the name.  I use the name 'Big Mark243' to post over there, so I hope anyone who wants to find me, can.

This is picking up from my last post over there ... now, on with the show ..!

THE LONG RIDE

I moved out at 9 a.m., and I do mean, 'moved out'.  I have experienced a breakthrough of sorts, cycling.  I have gotten faster and can keep pace with the urban 'Greg Lemond's' of the metro, which is cool.  I have always felt that they looked down on me, now I can draft off of them and stay close enough to make them feel uncomfortable!

Going downtown, I arrived at the Creperie, got a breakie crepe and then went to the Astoria Bakery across from the Greektown (which is REALLY 'Greek-block') and locked my bike up.  Once inside, I realized that I didn't have any money and needed to go to the credit union inside the GM building.  Figuring my bike was safe, I decided to walk the half mile or so to the GM.

Did my thing at the C.U., then went back to the Bakery.  Sat and read the paper, had my coffee and cookie, then got on my bike.  Went a half block when I realized I didn't have my helmet.  Went to Astoria and it wasn't there ... I could only hope that I left it in the credit union.

This is a part of what is my 'new normal', and why I put so much effort into keeping a stable state of mind.  Things fall 'off the table', and I can get a little stressed.  More on that later ... so I saddled up, rode to the GM and went and found my helmet.  Now, I did have a destination, but I thought about how I was going to get from 'here' to 'there'.

AND BACK AGAIN

I went from the GM to the SMART bus center on Woodward.  I asked which routes I needed to take to reach the Fairlane Green Mall, in the 48101.  Getting the bus info (the SMART buses have bike racks), I felt that I could go out Fort Street and find my way to where I was headed.  So I chose to do just that, and took off, heading in what I hoped was the direction I wanted to go!

The 'whatevers' still had a hold on me, and the thing about me riding out like this, is that though I have been there, places are only familiar to me.  When I was in the Mook's provencial hometown, sometimes my surroundings would 'morph' and I would feel like I was somewhere else, somewhere I had been before.  That happens in Detroit, like never.  But things are 'fuzzy' to me at times.  But I read 'the NEWS' (North East West and South), and I can plot a course pretty darned good.  Based on that, and my uncanny 'luck', I went out after it.

Neat trip.  Stopped by a quirky resale shop, and when I reached the Rouge River, I got to see a big freighter sail at a drawbridge.  Don't know where 'Fort Street' became 'Oakwood Blvd', but since the Mall was near that street, I knew I was on the right path.

I made it to where I wanted to go to start my day.  Went back home, lighter both physically and mentally.  Rode my way back to me, being me!

FOOTBALL SATURDAY

Tonight, the Buckeyes play the Badgers, but the game is at Camp Randall Stadium (you do know Wisconsin is a party state!).  That is a trip I want to make, because the atmosphere this is supposedly ... wait for it, LEGENDARY!

The Buckeyes are going to struggle, because they simply aren't as good as they are made out to be.  This is going to be the game where they redeem the season, though.  Buckeyes in a close, tough, game!

Michigan State can start their dark horse run, by winning at Iowa.  Me and Nebraska ran into one of the stars for Illinois player Mom when we were together in Chicago ... and they had just handed it to Ohio State, and I had a OSU hoodie on!  We shared a laugh and a smile.  They will win at Michigan.

Okay, hope all y'all find my new blog ... anywho, take care ..!