KNOW YOUR CHICKEN

So where do we go from here?  I will set up on Blogger, with the help of Beth over at Nutwood Junction ... what I am going to do here is 'offload' some of the stuff that is on my mind ...

Latest poll says it is a 70% chance of my going to Nebraska.  I expect things to hang in the 65-70% range until I get a chance to get out there and see what's what.  That is when I will know for sure.

I used to box, did it for at least 28 years of my life.  Had some high and nice moments, and had some less than good ones too.  Never came to mind to complain about things.  I have always felt that when you say, 'Why Me?', you aren't willing to take your fair share of the predicament.  I mean, I know that I rushed into marriage, and I know that I was overconfident in a key boxing match (or two ... maybe three ..?).  I also own that I let as many as THREE game winners go in my life,as I measure relationships, not to mention a couple of near misses that might have hit the target if I had kept my focus.

Mookie was part of the latter group.  I kept her in my thoughts, because there was something about her that had me think that I left a lot on the table.  So when I hatched this 'Ex List' thing, she was first up.  We did well, for what 41/2 years, then we started running out of gas.  Part of it was me, losing my job and having other difficulties that would be diagnosed as my disability, brain trauma.  But thanks to therapy, I can honestly say that the character and person is still cool ... I can't box anymore ... er, I shouldn't, but since you don't know if there will be another ride on this thing, I make not a promise to that.  And it really is not up for discussion.  But I would listen to a reasoned and rational argument.

There are some things that I am concerned about.  Details get hazy and and I lose my focus at times.  Moving to Nebraska is going to be a good thing for me, and I understand the risks involved.  I have a lot of faith in myself, and a lot of faith in how we came to be.  Period.  It is all about the process.

As far as staying in Detroit, I don't want to do it.  Doesn't take a mental heavyweight to see that with my and ma soeurs' that we were taught to seek our lives outside of the city limits.  Talk about stress!  If you only knew how angsty I get with being left here ... grr!  Been to Monte Carlo, now I am trying to not get hit BY  a Monte Carlo!  Not cool!

Anyway, as much love as I have for Tee Jay, destiny calls.  Not only that, she still isn't home at 11 pm on a Saturday night, and calls only when there isn't anything on television she watches ... uh, I graduated from 'relationship High School' ... I know you can do the work, so get into 'University of Love' already!

This is another relationship 'bug' ... I find that women claim a superior ground in relationships, that is false and does as much damage to relationships as a crap guy bumbling through lives like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Some women still approach things as a 'victim in waiting', a Sleeping Beauty if you will.  Others fasley cling to the idea that they are Cinderella, and feel that if Prince Charming comes and sweeps them off their feet, their days of toil and labor are done.

I think that is what actually victimizes women.  The idea that they can sit and let what is 'tween their legs attract a winner ... man, if you don't manage that, the only thing you will attract is crabs!

Me, I am also a spiritual cat, and always have been.  That is part of my journey, to go thru life in search of, like spiritual nomad, of myself and my place.  Maybe I am just to serve as a warning, perhaps to inspire, I don't know.  Staying in Detroit, that is something I don't think I am supposed to do.

And I don't want to do it.

I think that the Nebraska concept is going to be in the 65 -70% 'go ahead' level until I get out there, hopefully in March.  I have to visit Lexxie first, then I will head out.  I will be ready when I am ready, not a moment before.  The known caveat is if Nebraska the woman's life takes her where she need s to be ... that is when I will consider other things ...

Tee Jay has a longer way to go, because what is working for her, also works against her ... I KNOW HER.  Sure, she can say I did this and that (as if this and that is related ... a line from the Black Sheep song, 'The Choice Is Yours), but she isn't a daisy either. 

I KNOW ALREADY that AKA is in love with me.  She is simply not honest enough with herself for me, which means she isn't being honest with me.  Should she invite me over to help her move stuff OUT of her house, don't need to be a clinical therapist to know that she has taken a big step!  Because it would be such a large step, it is unlikely for her to be able to make such a thing in time.  Were she to do so, I would have to tell her that I am not thrilled with her family, and don't look forward to the rest of my life of dealing with them.  Period.  That would be a sea change in our relationship, which makes the likelyhood of it occuring unlikely.  But women have a way of surprising you, as I well know.

That is like 'dark matter' in my life.  I know how I would like my life to play out, but I don't know who's life I am supposed to play IN.  All I can do is call out what I want, and take the steps that I have determined necessary to make them occur.  I don't know who rides the 'darkhorse' in my life, rushing up from the rear to over take the lead horses. 

AS TO MY 'LOOSE ENDS'

Most of them have been tied up.  As far as my daughter Skye goes, that is for after the calendar changes.  I didn't expect to be greet with open arms, but what has happened is something else.  I gotta live with a whole lot of stuff so if things don't get better when it is my time to leave, then what can I say?  So I won't get too clever with my remaining 'Stars' entries on AOL.  I am going to REALLY open up, as I don't know who is going to make and survive the migration.  Maybe AOL is just outsourcing this part of their online stuff, to streamline ... I don't know, it sounds 'bailout-ish' to me ... anyway, I could neveer thank all who contributed, even that lady who called me 'one of those guys' ...

And I want y'all to know that I wasn't one of those guys ...

... don't know about you ...

... but ONLY because of what is going to happen to our journals ..!

... with AOL journals.  As this and that (as if this and that were related) as I am, full of arrogance and hubris along with modesty and insecurity, I am not wanting to let any of you go.  Makes me wish that I could have been keeping up with everyone's journals ... makes me, I don't know ...

I know what good bye are like, and I don't like saying them.  As certain as I am of never going back to Mookie, I didn't tell her 'good bye' ... didn't tell my EX WIFE good bye ...

There is someone who sometimes stops by from Arizona ... let me tell you that I have been in Arizona several times, all boxing related, once I was in the Army and boxing at Ft. Huachuca.  I remember the time I fought for a few grand, saw a nice used car and thought ... and thought ... and thought ...

... but I came on home.  '60 minutes' did a piece about some resort in Arizona, and I thought at that moment, if I could get a job there ... I have a notion that I could find my way out there ...

... back when I had a couple of dollars, I once help some chat room friends get together in Vegas for a Morrissey concert there ... one was a English girl from ... wait for it ... MONTANA ... so there is a affection for Bozeman as well ... not necessarily to live, but still ... just saying ...

... KC-O and the whole Nebraska - Kansas thing has been explained ... Dreamt about one, served in the other, and great I-backs and Sam Lacey and the Kings provided that imprint ...

... still in the lead ... poll taken has it at a steady 70% and climbing ... and you are aware of how the '80 - 20' rule works ... mine is set at '85%', still the same effect ...

When I came out here, it  was to find a friend and to be a friend ... I tend to shy away from online folks, not because I am scared, but because I think that some people really are out here trying to hurt people, and they are weak individuals who could never muster up the hate and venom they spew on line ... that is why I don't worry about someone doing their 'read and burn' thing to me ... youthrow the outlier out of the data set anyway, and I am good at that ... so I trusted my instincts and here I am ...

But geez ... I am going to miss you guys ... people who read and don't comment (cause I know that some do that too!), of course there are a few who I honestly feel close to, and I hope that they sense that, and feel likewise about me.  I promise that I wouldn't take up much space, and I won't each much (though homemade chocolate chip cookies are off the table!) and I clean up after myself ... no, I am not handy with fixing things, and if you give me a power tool, you will be setting yourself up for a manslaughter charge, cause you have just killed me!

Not even sure that I will 'journal' again ... because I ... right now, the emotions are too strong ... so I can't make a promise of any kind ... don't even know where I am going to 'go'.

The story in a recent entry, of when I was at the airport in Kansas City, getting ready to fly home with my friend who was going to wherever he was going ... I HATED THAT ... I should have traded information, wrote him or called him ... and who knows what would have happened ... that is why this is getting to me ...

That cat doesn't know what he meant to me ... I can't recall his name, but I can still see his face in the airport lounge ... like him, you all have kept me from being lonely, guided me to a place where I can stand and see the promise that I believed in, but couldn't see from where I was at ...

Without a doubt, I will miss Russ, who brought most of y'all here.  I want to meet him, since I plan on moving out his way ... I don't drive, but if the bus driver lets me pack my bike ... I know I can cover the Kansas City area ..!

So I want everyone who reads this journal, with its name inspired by a story of a bleak future (yet jumbled, to avoid infringment issues!), to know that I will miss them and I have appreciated their participation in this leg of my journey in life, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

... hassle about this ...

... closing of the AOL Journals/Hometown is that I am going to miss all of you who have left a comment ... it reminds me of what I said to a buddy when we were ETS'ing ...

I told him that I am going to go home get back into my life, and you are going to do the same.  You will miss hanging with me for about a month, maybe two, then you will be back in your groove.  Whenever I come to your mind, just smile and keep on truckin' ...

This is hurting me a little.  I don't easily find good people to talk and share with as I have done here, and that I am going to have to do this anyway when I move to Nebraska, is dishearting.

I will keep my email, until AOL goes out of business, which may be next.  I will have to dust off my other address, bigmark243@yahoo.com, which I hardly use.  I like the permutation on my name, so it will be either a 'markonit' with 2 following it, or a 'bigmark243' with the other stuff behind it.

No, this is bothering me.  I will miss everyone who ever commented, even the lady who thought I picked on Nebraska and joked the corn and cow aspect of it!  Man, this is a crap feeling ...

... as John Cleese once said ...

... and now time for something completely differet ..!

I don't listen to my 'newer' music as much, stuff on CD's and such.  Then there is You Tube, where when I would go to the DPL (I did mention that my Pops got a new computer, didn't I?) and do my 'You Tubing'.  What was cool about that, is getting the live performances of artists that I've not seen, live or otherwise.  I also have a lot of music on portable drives, and I don't even know what is on the them, but I plan on doing an inventory of what's what soon.  There is some good stuff, Pedro the Lion, some Kings of Leon, a little PJ Harvey, and Rihanna's first cd (and I think that it is near unanimous ... SHE'S HOT!!).

I have thought about what it would take to put together 'mixtape playlists' to run and exercise with.  Right now, when I go off on my long rides, I am listening to tape via a Panasonic Shockwave Sports Walkman.  It is ready to give up the ghost though, but EBay has hooked me up with another walkman, that functions like the one that is dying on me!

I wonder what the movie 'Nick and Norah's' Infinite Playlist is about.  The commercials have me intrigued.  When I am on my bike riding and I am just riding with no particular place to go, I will think about the music and what it makes me feel.

HANDSOME BROWN-EYED MAN

Uh, that is me.  At least my Best Sister thought so!  I have a Chuck Berry greatest hits tape with that song on it, and when she was a kid, she would tell me that I was the cat in that song!  It also reminds me why I need to get over myself, because that song could have been the theme for me!

To her young eyes, she could see what my deep insecurity kept me from seeing ... that the girls, women, were really enamored of me!  This included my crap ex-wife ... she just didn't have any 'people skills'.

Anywho, my Best Sister especially like the part where Chuck is talking about "there's a whole lot of trouble with a brown eyed handsome man!"

RID OF ME

Is PJ Harvey pretty?  To me, she is so what does it matter?  Watching her perform this song rocking out ... I have always wanted to see her live.  I first got wind of her with her first release, 'Rid Of Me' and the video for '50 ft Queenie'.  I sorta can't explain why she strikes me ... I don't try to analyze her lyrics too deeply, and you don't have to, as her voice puts her emotions rightthere for you to see.  Me, I let the music take me to where it goes with me.  The song 'Rid Of Me' makes me think of Pecan Sandie, because her passion has (had ..?) the same kind of mania that PJ sings about ...  Too bad I was still so wrapped up in myself to where I couldn't fully appreciate the good things about her.  Too immature and not being able to understand what she was feeling for me.

Would catch her years later on Letterman, singing this song,"The Letter", but I think her video captures the tortured feeling of a passioned letter writer.  When I have written letters, I think that the content accurately conveys the emotions that move the pen across the page.  I still write, not as much as I email, but I carry a pad or a small notebook with me, to jot down quotes or to put ideas that my spur the machinery of my 'image nation'.

NEXT:  I think that I ought to think about it ..!

Simply Amazing

AND I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS ...

... themselves watching 'The Amazing Race' when it comes on!  They always have such a broad variety of contestants, and unlike (IMO) other shows of the genre, it is really competitive without all the snaking and betrayal that goes on in the others.

It is harder to 'fake' as a contestant.  Either you do it or you don't.  Too many couples to pick a 'fave' ... would not mind owning ALL THIRTEEN SEASONS ... that was how me and SD started to think of each other differently.  Anywho, I always wonder what it would be like to be racing overseas with someone, being able to do what I do to get us to 'pit stop' and getting my teammate (prolly a girl ..!) do some of the more amazing things that the producers come up with.

So if anyone else wants to 'dish' on that particular show, you know you can with me ..!

Observations, Character Wins ...

In a journal that I read, 'Observations From My Cave', the journalist, Dave, is very concerned about the proposed bailout for the financial markets.  In some of his recent entries, he has broke down the crisis, even in a fashion that a cat such as myself can walk away from reading, with a solid understanding of what is happening.

I am wondering how is it that giving 'the smartest guys in the room' a break, literally giving them all the money (without mentioning the money they've already squirreled away) to take care of this mess, is better than letting it collapse.

With a collapse, there would be the illusion at least that the reasons as to 'why' things are tough and difficult.  Giving these guys all the money, means that there is still no accountability for what went down.

... but that is me ...

A list.  Made with no regards to importance.

Abolition of Slavery.  Manifest Destiny.  WW I&II. The Great Depression.  Suffrage.  The Industrial Revolution.  Civil Rights.

In my mind, 'yearning' and 'want' are different.  When you have a 'yearning', I think that you are making an appeal along with your initial 'want', to do all that you can do to make your yearning happen.  You are saying that it is so deep, that you are willing to climb a mountain, with its peak obscured by the clouds.  You are willing, in spite of the difficulties to endure to reach your goals.

'Want' is much different, something that is indicative of a much less mature, much less mature mind.  'Want' is looking for compliments for its contributions, 'want' is looking for acknowledgements and knows little of earning praise.  'Want' is the petulant child looking at the empty freezer, wondering why the ice cream isn't there.

But that is what was left by the children of the 'Baby Boom', for 'Generation X' (which I consider myself a part of).  Both groups need to get a freakin' grip, and get over themselves.

I have always longed for the late 40's thru the early 60's.  Friday Night Fights, and Jane Mansfield.  A time where a willingness to work hard would earn you a shot at making a respectable, desirable life.  When Idlewild and the Inkwell still were great spots, and I think I would have flourished.

... didn't see it ...

Went with AKA on a 'Bed, Bath, and Beyond' tour, going to all the knick-knack shops and looking at make-up, flowers, and seeing the bedding that I want for my bed!  Had the game on the radio, and the Badgers were doing to Michigan, what the Badgers do.  Michigan meanwhile, were still stumbling along, making mistakes.

When the tour is over, the radio comes on, and the announcers are breathless!  Michigan has come all the way back, and is about to kick the ball off with less than two minutes left in the game.

I didn't say it, but I expected the Badgers to score.  That is simply what they do, there is nothing in their make up that says then have to win by 20 points.  They just win.

They drove and scored a touchdown, which left them two points down.  They had to go for two, and the radio announcers conveyed the uncharacteristic confusion on the Wisconsin side of the ball.  Even though they'd get the conversion, there was a penalty flag, illegal formation.  Replay, with addition yardage marked off, and Michigan made the play, recoverd the on-side kick, and ran out the clock.  Good win, and I guess the Wolverines only have two 'not gonna happen' games (OSU, of course, and PSU) and two more tough games (State and Illinois) on their schedule.

FOUNDATION

That is what Nietzsche's 'Formula For Happiness' is for me, a foundation, not the sum of my philosophy.  Were it so, I wouldn't be capable of writing too far above the 'Beavis and Butthead' (heh, heh) level!

After not being able to 'come back to me' without great difficulty, the formula, 'A yes, a no, a straight line, a goal ..." keeps me on track and is the light that prevents me from getting lost.  I like it as it is a process that solves a lot of problems for me.

I am thinking about a 'tagging' project, taking a break and going over what I have written and trying to 'tag' my entries.  One of the reasons that I haven't done it before, is because I am changing, and change comes gradually.  What looks one way now, will look different a month, a year from now. 

'Tagging' an entry that says 'Badger think' today may mean something else in the future (because, as we all know, it's a party state!).  And looking at all the grammar and spelling errors ... oh, the humanity!

OKAY ... THE LAST TIME ... Maybe ..!

Sage Steele is absolutely stunning this morning.  What is the color ... maybe it is a gun metal color ..?  Don't know, but it looks good because she has it on!

For What You Dream Of ...

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Michigan is really looking like a 6 or 7 loss team, which is hard for me to swallow.  They have already fired up Utah, and kept Charlie Weis employed for at least another year.  The have two 'not gonna get one there' games on their schedule, Ohio State and Penn State.    Two games that they shouldn't win, against State and Illinois.  Purdue is so-so, but they might sneak the Wolverines.

Today's game against Wisconsin will be a character test.  The Badgers have been a team I have watched since they had Al Toon at wideout.  They don't seem to have a 'style point' mentality.  By a late field goal, or by three touchdowns, their primary focus is on having more points than you at the end of the game!

They will get there in Ann Arbor, because they are the better team.  But I want to see how Michigan competes, are they going to lay down, or are they going to rally around each other and play hard.  Sam McDuffie is a ball player, and he needs to put Michigan on his back for them to get to bowl eligibilty.

Before I went for my roadwork, I caught a bit of 'The Today Show', and caught the new girl at the news desk ... 'Carmen' ... 'Cameron' ..?  Whatever it is, I would make sure to learn it!  And this sets up nicely for the main thoughts in my mind.

TODAY'S SUBJECT

A way cool song of the soundtrack for the way cool movie that launch Ewan McGregor, 'Trainspotting'.  Myself, I don't really have 'dreams', not often anyway at any point in my life.  Whenever I am asked about what I dream of, of what I fantasize about, it is actually hard for me to provide them with an answer, because if you met me, I would be busy in the process of making them happen, so I couldn't tell you what it was, other than to say that my actions will bring me the result that I want.

Nebraska is going to be a lucky gal!  I mean think about it, someone is willing to bend the trajectory of their life to meet yours ... I mean come on now!  I know that has to mean something!  Using the NFL draft as a metaphor, she is a top five pick, and she has all the 'measureables'.  There are some questions, because I think she comes from a 'mid-major' confrence.  Still, she is obviously one of the best people I have met in a long time.

Part of why I have been speaking more about her, in a direct fashion, and discussing the 'interpersonal, personal' part of my life, is to work out some of the things that I know will come up.  The celibacy part of this is difficult, but it gets a little easier each day (though as for that, it has to travel a light year to reach being simply 'tough'!), and the purpose talking about it, is not to brag, but to aviod the pitfalls that is commonly associated with that part of relationships.

Attachments get made on both sides, and you inherit certain responsibilities, certain obligations.  I don't need anyone showing up, all beside themselves with their idea of their being an 'us', when I am still certain (and that is about 65-70%) that I am not aiming to be bothered with staying in Detroit, or taking along anyone else.

Two folks that come to mind, AKA and SD, both talk that what I call, 'Samantha' crap, but when it comes down to it, they want someone to spend time with ... and I make people feel comfortable in themselves.  I would like to think that Nebraska felt that way as well, about my ability to make someone (her) feel comfortable and secure, that I gave her something to make her think I would fit in her life and enhance it.

... if she doesn't, well, there are others on the 'draft board' to choose from, and there are other 'needs on the team' that can be addressed.  But if she was to some how 'slip' to where I could draft her, I would call her name!

SD and AKA sorta have the 'give up' in them, and what ever reason it is there, I can't compete.  Too much thinking in doing that, and it is going to be a challenge to right my own ship (yes, every thing is a challenge, dear heart, a dare waiting to be taken up, a gauntlet thrown ...)  I don't want to be in the role of maybe misleading someone, because I want to have a clean launch, dontcha you know ..!

WHEW!

My hands are tired!  Next, gonna have to figure out how I am going to ramp up my fitness routine.  Fitness USA, a crap chain of workout places, has this $19 a month deal ... but I think you can only go to one location, and they alternate days, men one day, women the other.  I don't like not being able to go to the gym when I want to, and I am sure that it is only at one location, not a universal membership.

The YMCA is an option, as is Bally's.  Now, I could do a limited acess membership at either one, because I would be able to use the gym seven days.  Might be a coin flip ... less expensive but limited acess vs. higher cost, but better facilities (IMO) and greater acess ...

I know this is runnin' long, but I haven't talked about working out, and getting fit in quite awhile.  Last week I rode my bike over 200 culmative miles, and at a greater speed (I have a bike computer ... and I am STILL not as fast on my bike as Usain Bolt is on his feet!), which took a lot out of my legs.  So I am rebuilding my running legs, doing lighter milages and easing my way around.

Working out means a lot more to me, than it does to others.  I helps me feel confident, because it is something that I do well.  It isn't a sense of vanity (although, I have to tell you that I look GOOD ..!), more of a sense of mental stability.  Each time I work out, I know that I am going to be occupied with doing something that is totally benifical for me and that I didn't have to 'walk the fringes' to get to feel that good ...

... speaking of 'fringes ...

Random stuff on Debate night ...

Reaching the top of one hill only to see another off in the distance awaiting ...

Jumped in on 'Thin Red Line' on IFC about 30 minutes in.  Thought I could finish it off, but it was too much for me.  I will watch it eventually, but tonight wasn't the night for it.  Emotionally, I wouldn't have been able to have dealt with it, as what I saw brought a reaction out of me.  What made it too much for me, what has made the end of this week too much for me, is that I am tired.

Nothing makes me feel more vunerable to the things that keep me from my goals, than being tired.  From sprinting out of school and across the field to the relative saftey of my block, which I had to reach a footbride to cross a shallow stream to get there, to the endless days and nights of sleeping in my car as I struggled to catch on in college, I have found being tired to be the gateway to personal darkness, so much so that I try as hard as possible not to even use the word.

Me, being tired means that I have reach the end of my limits, and need to just stop.  Also, when somone tells me they are 'tired', as in, "Mark, I am tired of you," I will ask them if they are sure, because I am about to write them out.  This is why the challenge of an 'ex-List' appealed to me, because to get where you want to go, sometimes means doing what you have never done.

I will wrestle with myself, do all the teeth-gnashing, the '6-digit call', where you start to dial a certain number but you catch yourself before you press the last digit and salvage your pride, whatever I have to do, follow my interpretation of 'being tired', which is to me, the same as saying, 'Enough.  I want to be rid of you."

Another things happens to me when I get tired, and I know it happens to others.  Someone else made the observation that, "Fatigue makes cowards of men," and it is true.  When you allow yourself to be tired, you lose sight of what is your goal, and you focus on the difficulties, the things that are in the dark corners and deep in the shadows, the things that are unknown to you.  Clauswitz speaks on the doubts that arise if you think you have made a mistake in your planning, the uncertainty that you have when you are trying to do something 'great', and how you must steel yourself against the negative thinking that will prevent you from accomplishing your task.

Today, I kept 'hearing' Russ tell me, in a mock reproach, "Dude, you think too much!"  He was right.  I was 'thinking' too much and not 'being'.  I don't say thing are going well for me, for the simple reason of trying to smile the hurt away.  I am doing well, too well to let the worries of being wrong in wanting what I want, in heading off in the direction that I am heading.

I am trying to budget myself as far as money goes.  Things are merely 'tight' as opposed to the 'suffocatingly tight' budget I had living with the Mook's.  Now I can see where I am going, and expect to get there.

It is a little late, and Nebraska is filling my thoughts of listening to good indie rock (Conor Oberst is like an big name in indie music ... HE'S from Nebraska ..!) and having fun tailgating at football game (of course, it will be done from my bike!) on a Saturday afternoon ...

Next issue:  The only choice is hope ..!

Getting things back on line

RINSE, WASH, REPEAT AS NECESSARY

For real, NO MORE POLITICS ..!  Personally, like faith, that is an individual thing, and I have DONE MY DUTY to the extent that I have listened to and compared the canidates.  However complete/incomplete I have accomplished it, it is done.  I am not going to let something that I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DIE FOR, be something that upset others and make them feel anything than how they want to feel.  My words aren't supposed to be used to do that, not to someone I call a friend.

I have a sister in the Army, who wants to go and be deployed.  Rightly or wrongly, I support her choice.  That is a hard thing to understand, but again, it is personal.  I can only hope for the best, and that is how I ultimately feel about those who are our leaders.

After all, I came out here, HOPING someone would read what I was writing, and would be kind enough to sincerly 'talk' with me, and perhaps even become my friend.  That, and maybe I could help them if they were looking for answers to questions.  Sometimes, there are going to be some tough love, but tough love doesn't have to be divisive.  I absolutely DON'T believe in that.

Right now, I am in a 'happy place'.  No doubt.  I have been here before, at a place where I can look and see how the diverging roads and my hopeful future laying out before me.  I am removed from a failed relationship and can 'see' that person who will make me feel what I want someone to make me feel, and I will do the same for them.  It has happened before, and the formula hasn't changed.

"Usefulness is not impaired by imperfection.  You can still drink from a chipped cup."

I like that quote a lot.  I don't worry about the things that I can't do, and I am looking for someone who isn't worried about them either.  Watching the itsy-bitsy monitor at 'The Today Show' set at Campus Martius, I wondered what they were talking about, when the discussion of relationships and Finesse Mitchell was speaking on his book (was he?  don't know ... maybe he was one of those supposed 'authorities' now that he has a book on the subject) ... and thinking 'I could write that book', and I will.

Getting back to talking about the things that I am going thru, my journey with all this sand in my pocket, that is what I am going to start doing.  Talking about the spinnings in my small part of the world, the relationships that are important to me, my daughters, Nebraska, Tee Jay, the Astoria Bakery (the world BEST cookies, I kid you not!) and being the dreamer that is going to make dreams come true ...

Tonight's episode of 'Earl' featuring Seth Green was a good one.  I like how when the opportunity for him to have his 'dream' come true of making his movie, he was ready for it.  He didn't let the difficulty that may have been obvious to someone on the outside, bother him or affect his goal.  He got there the way he wanted, without burdening Earl and the others with what he knew, that he was dying.

He never compromised what was his dream, and he gave so much more back.  "Dying for each other.  Getting so much more back."  The guy gave so much more by not letting his dream go.  Everyone was proud of the work they done, at what they achieved ...

"... the avenging angel of light, the champion of darkness ..." is a self-description of one of my fave comic characters, Adam Warlock.  He embraced what he was, after not knowing and wandering the universe in search of who that person was.  Of course, I wouldn't have used those words, if I did not see some of who I AM in them.

Tough love doesn't mean that you have to hurt someone.  Tough love doesn't mean you have to be insensitive.  Tough love to me, is about finding the best way about accomplishing something, and doing what it takes to get it done, without compromised.  That is tough enough. 

'Getting back into character', isn't going to mean I have to try to be something I am not, something that I have no interest in being.  Yup, there are going to be Tee Jay, Nebraska and AKA stories ... not to mention a host of others.  I am going to pine for my daughters, talk to and visit them and build a relationship with them.

Oh, I am going to find my way to where it is that I want to go.  Period.  And be supportive of those I love, and if you have traded emails with me, you know who you are.

And that is, "always".

OVERRATED EXPERIENCE

That is what 'The Today Show' was, and being a native Detroiter, I wondered if their set up is this crap in other cities, or is it unique to a crap location.  There was only a small motnitor, about the size of the one I am looking at now, barely there audio ... so I missed the Letterman rant, and the relationship discussion (with Finesse Mitchell's book at home!) that I could barley view.

Did have 'brushes with greatness', shaking hands with Mitt (Sec. of 'Lookin' Good' as Jon Stewart said) Romney and the petit, delicate Govenor of Michigan, Jennifer Granholm.  One of the local news women, wanted to act like she didn't remember me, but I know she did.  No worries as I don't 'tell', so her secret is safe with me.

Went to 'Creperie' to get a crepe.  Nice little place just east of Woodward on John R. .  Would be super cool if she was to get some traffic, but the building facing it, needs to be demolished and something else put there.  What would happen to the little crepe place if that were to happen?

OKAY, A LITTLE POLITICS

Went to the GM bldg. and looked across the river.  Saw Canada.  Now I have as much international diplomatic experience as Gov. Palin! 

What I would call the propsal to re-schedule the debates by McCain, is 'extending the game'.  That is where the less talent side applies tactics to limit the other sides chances.  Doesn't matter that they are not better, but it is easier to win a 2 of 3, than a 4 of 7 series.  The better team wins the longer series.  By shortening the time voters have to think about their selection, they can con people into forgetting that a little while ago, McCain thought the economy was fine, and has said on several occasions, that he didn't know much about it and he would keep on doin' what Bush was doin' with it. 

And that was making a mess.

WHAT MAKES THIS THE BEST BREAKUP SONG LIKE, EVER

Gonna have to 'get back into character' in October.  Have several birthday dinners and a date scheduled for the last quarter of the year.  I am going to indulge myself in a little random association.

I don't know what Mookie thinks of herself, or thought of me.  I say this because her actions were of someone who was lost, if not in her own mind, then she was lost to me.

Would have loved to hear what the relationship discussion was about.  It feels like it is always about men being a certain way, and that way is WRONG.  Whenever the talk turns to a woman's behavoir in a relationship, IMO, it has a 'wink, wink, nudge, nudge' feel, as if that REALLY couldn't be the problem.

Over 85% of the women that I have known on a intimate, deeper emotional level, believe in the 'Men are from Mars ...' crap that makes up most relationship advice promoted in books and magazines.  I don't think that any of it breaks away from the 'men are this way, so women have to do that or contend with ...', that to me, absolves the woman of too much responsibility and self-determination.

I think it is the effect of the 'Sleeping Beauty/Cinderella syndrome', where women believe that all they have to do is 'be', and Prince Charming is going to come and sweep her away.  All she is bringing to the party is what is between her legs, nothing else.  It may have been different a while ago, but now, not only do women have choices as to whether or not they want to make themselves the way they can imagine, they also have RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITIES.

Cleaning the house is fine, but what does it mean when you forget how to dress to go out to dinner?  Being beautiful and great in the bedroom is okay too, but the price of gas is high, and if you get another credit card ...

That women have extended their reach in society, they still seem to want to have it both ways.  Work but keep their money to themselves ... or forget how to be loving and adoring of her husband or boyfriend (burying that compromise word, 'partner' ... if you ain't my girlfriend,then we ain't partners ..!).

What happens is now the failure of the relationship is primed.  Everyone is out of harmony with how they are supposed to work together, eveyone is out of sync with their roles.  One of the major issues I see, is that women don't prepare themselves for the good things that they want, in a realistic fashion.

I would 'expect victory' boxing, when I knew I had done all that I could to be prepared for the fight to come.  Relationships are no different.  I wonder how Mookie 'prepared' to be in a relationship.  I wonder how women in general prepare for a relationship?  Because had she really considered what she was getting into, then I wouldn't had to find my way from her with this song ...

Not a rant, just a vent

BECAUSE FAITH IS INTERNAL...

... and that means it doesn't have to satisfy anyone's beliefs.  Sometimes, I will drop a reference to something, and that is me ... can't account for what it may be for someone else, so I won't let that affect what and how I write.

NEBRASKA

I had hoped to claim my desire at the 'right time', but the right time to act on the things that you want to be yours is ALWAYS now.  Speaking it out loud, whether it is to your public journal or a trusted confident, it is out and you have created an obligation with life to take actions to meet what you have called to come to you.

What I know about her, is what I know about her, which is to say nothing and everything.  Something kept me from deleting her from my 'Buddy List' and something kept me wondering what it would be like to meet her.  I don't know what she is like in her native environment, and that could be something totally different from the person I have made her out to be.

I am well aware that I am going out there because of her.  I liken her to a north star, providing focus and a direction for me to head off into.  She used to worry that I was too smitten with her, and in this age of obsessive internet stalkers, I am not surprised.  My 'wall of desire' approach could easily turn someone off, fearing that I was a 'Lifetime Movie' waiting to happen.  Yet, she didn't, and in fact took the extrodinary step of actually coming out to meet me.  All of that counts for something.

Now I am not one for infringing on anyone's desires of what they want for themselves.  Mookie could have save us both a little bit of time by coming out and admitting that she wanted out ... that was a year that neither of us will get back.  Nebraska has made it clear that I leave much to be desired as her partner, which is fine.  Being friends would be cool as well.  So why go out there, if she is the reason for you  to want to be in Nebraska?

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID 'SPUR'

It was in my mind BEFORE I met her, maybe before she was even born.  That works for me, so I will roll with it.  There are also 'miles to go' before I get there, and all I can do is stick to my goal, which is to find a greater measure of happiness in my life.  She now has an idea, just like Tee Jay, AKA, and Pecan Sandie has of what I may bring into their lives.  I want to be wanted, just like I will find someone to fill my wants.  Doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out why that is a good idea.

My attraction to other 'types' of girls, to maybe the 'Sage Steele's' of the world is a sign for me to look for something different, not only in physical looks, but in her mental perspective as well.  I am trying to avoid a word, but it is hard.  That one lady who read a few blurbs then quit, I wonder what was her thing?  Women think that they own the 'fed up and tired with this crap' thing, as though it is only men who ruin good women and good relationships.  Not so.  I sometimes shake my head at women who are in my 'range' (28 -50) and their expectations, as well as how they plan on getting to where they hope to go.

That bothers me.  Part of what gets me, is that they still have their champange dreams, as though they are still the belle of the ball.  Needless to say, they are far from it.

If I wasn't self-effacing before, having brain trauma has made sure that I remember that the shine is off this penny.  I am trying to find a 'new normal', which will take as long as it takes.  One of the hard and fast things I want is a partner who is at LEAST as committed to me, as I am to them.  That is non negotiable.  I won't stand for our relationship being superceded without cause.  Don't care about Shenequia your sister and her crap relationships, or your good friend Honey Brown, who doesn't seem to have the ablity to keep her ankle from behind her ears.  If they are that much more important to you than I am, their repeated failings and bad advice, then let THEM sleep with you.

Part of what make my anxieties take hold of me, is uncertainty.  I couldn't stay in a relationship with Mookie, wondering where I stood in her life.  And the point of me being IN her life, was that we were a team, and in this to win this.

But apparently not.

Don't know where this is going, but sometimes you have to sail with the wind, even when it blows you in a different direction.  So I will sail with it for now ...

Love is like as snowflake ...

PROLOGUE:

Let's say you happen to watch the 'Today Show' Thursday morning, sometime between say, 9-10 a.m., and you see a guy in a Piston jersey with #33 (Grant Hill) in royal blue shorts (because he stays warm naturally!).  You will then be able to say that I know what Mark looks like, because I am going down to Campus Martius to see what is what!

It would be cool if someone saw me, don't need to talk to anyone.  But I will be in the crowd, and I will treat myself to some Astoria cookies afterward!

... AND IS SUPREMELY BEAUTIFUL AND EXQUISITE IN IT AND OF ITSELF ...

Can't tell you who is the prettiest or most thoughtful.  Can't tell you who gave the most or who made me feel the most secure.  It is like going into the Hall Of Fame, once you are in, you become immortal.  Some of the names that are in that hat are Mookie, Pecan Sandie, My Delta Girl, Nebraska (she sneaks in like Gayle Sayers did!), and without any question, Tee Jay.  Man, I have been a lucky cat!

There are several near-greats, and a few that are no longer eligible for entry, due to lack of votes.  Not going to get into them again anyway (hey, a PLAY ON WORDS!!) so no worries, mate!

What made the passion we share so special ... in my mind's eye she became Pam Grier, and my lust was the same as the little boy who didn't know what it was he was feeling, but he wanted to feel it with her!  With Tee Jay, it was like an avatar come to life, and I had to be as patient and gentle as I had always thought I would be, making love with someone who was so special to me.

That night, was wonderful.  I went out to get some drinks and take them back to the room, and a thick, heavy snow had fell in the quiet of the dark of the morning.  Because it was so late (or early, take your pick), the streets had not yet become a slushy mess, and the outdoors brought to mind the Frost poem, 'Stopping By The Woods ...'.

Not to mention, I heard a 'voice'.

At some point in the near future, I will address my particular spritual life, as I feel the need to examineit as I continue on with my journey.  I do wonder how do people explain to themselves when they just 'know' something, or decide all of a sudden to 'change' a plan or go in another direction.

In Tee Jay case, I was 'shown' her in our initial meeting.   Then I had 'saw' her that night, and going back to our room I was 'told' that this was not going to be a case where my heart was just leaping out and racing away blindly.  No, this was THAT GIRL, and I had no doubts about her.  And though I didn't get to give her an engagement ring, it doesn't change what she is to me, that was 'appointed' to her on a far higher pay grade than mine, and she still has that to her.

I am the one who let us down.

NEXT : Oh, and what is up with Nebraska?

 

LIKE BUTTER BABY, LIKE SUGAR HONEY

I don't know if 'first times' stay special for every person, or what, cause the way that it goes in my mind.  Men seem to bypass the moment as the goal is justifiable in and of itself.  Me, it has always, always been about the journey, as the goal IS the journey.

Yeah, there have been my share of 'Juke Joint Jezebel' Saturday nights and 'Bucket Bunnies' after fights.  I have sort of prided myself on not relying on that kind of thing to pad my totals.  Being able to sit down, by someone a drink and draw her out of her shell and into being the person she really was, is something I feel is my stregnth.  I don't think that 'loving is an art' for nothing.

We had been going out for nearly two months, and because I was trying to get ready for a match, I wasn't even thinking about doing anything with her.  I have found that when it is 'new' to a lady, the disipline that an athlelte has to have regarding the 'dellights' of a woman.  In the end, it also heightens HER desire ... so that by the time our get together, she was wanting to get together and I was fresh off a nice win.  Everything was in place for a good start or a crash and burn.

So I set my expectations on 'blowing her freaking mind'!

Gen. Chuck Yeager had a thing about fear.  He said, in his line of work, fear would prevent you from doing your job and would get your friends killed.  People like to write and talk about that stuff, but when he said that he had no fear, that is exactly what he meant.  That is something that I found useful in my life, by not being afraid of exams because I knew I had to study, not worrying about how good a potential opponent would be, because I was training when he was sleeping and trusting in the sergeants who were drilling me, because they knew what THEY were doing.

There is a line in the movie 'Revenge of the Nerds' where the nerd tells the bombshell girl that the difference between the jocks and the nerds was that the jocks thought about sports all the time, and the nerds thought about girls!  So did I!!  When I met Tee Jay, my approach was refined and I was more than a little confident in what I could do (wasn't like that in Chitown, but I went out anyway and crossed my fingers!)

Even with my 'best foot foward' expectation, I was surprised at how well our evening went.  And for the majority of our relationship, that was how we were with one another.

Dinner couldn't have been better, and she appreciated the movie and the convesation at Brazil, a coffee house in Royal Oak was engaging.  She seemed to really appreciate the difference between her previous 'start ups' and what we were building on.  The routine had been flawless, now it was time to stick the landing!

Doing what's best, never what is easy

BASED ON COMMENTS

I do consider myself a 'spiritual' person.  I do believe that we all have a soul, and that it contains the essence of what we are and that there is another level of existence beyond our ability to perceive, just as man is beyond the ability of the deziens of the seas to be aware of.  We act on them in a fashion that makes me think of the 'mysterious ways' that move through our lives here.

But I don't want to get off too much on that.  I have a difficult time feeling pity for myself, or feeling sorry for me when I compare it to the wallowing on others.  When I get 'tough' on myself, I still get frustrated because I don't think I am that tough on myself.  My Mom did a good job with us, and me in particular.  I don't have any choice but to be positive, because she put her best in me.  I don't blame her for anything at all, if anything, I respected her more when I left home, because she never showed any of the 'bitter black woman' disease that afflicts many single Mothers.  She stayed my Mom and my friend until the end.

For me, being able to say that I let her down, knowing she would never admit to being disappointed in me, is a motivation.  When I got back with Mookie, who came with her 'seal of approval', it meant a whole lot to me.  My family understood that I was with the rare person that I was 'supposed to have married', you know?

She liked Pecan Sandie, even if she thought she was a little on the hyper side.  She liked My Delta Girl, but she never met her, only knew her from phone conversations and how I would talk about her when I would come home for a visit from school and such.  And as for Tee Jay ... she TOLD me to marry her.

My ex wife, not so much. 

REMEBERING LOSSES MORE THAN VICTORIES

If 'relations' were a sport, it would be basketball for me, and I would be Glen Rice or maybe David Thompson.  Cats who were talented, won at the high school and college levels, and finished their pro careers just on this side of the hall of fame.  More than good enough to be idolized, yet still with something not on their career resume.

What do you do?  You got to find a way to go on, and you do.

Don't know if I have the exchange with the one commentor, who told me that I was 'one of those guys'.  It bothers me because I HAVE been one of those guys, but I never WANTED to be like that.  I knew what she meant, because I didn't think that I was going to be 'like that', but I am.

With Pecan Sandie, I began to 'walk in' on my target.  I feel that I was homing in, getting nearer and nearer to what I wanted in my life.  Boxing had hit its 'Mendoza line', and I knew that I wasn't going to be the next big thing, or even a 'thing'.  I was a ham and egg clubfighter, and that was alright with me.  But the more we plan, the more fate shuffles the cards and deals a new hand.

TEE JAY

We have spoken, like I have mentioned early, very sporadically.  Like Sandie, she flat out made a 'boots on the ground' decision to go out with me, and that is something I would look for in someone new.  I think that it is arrogant to think that someone is going to come to you mixed and set, all you have to do is show up.  I wanted something different in my life and so did she.

During one of our conversations, she asked about what did I remember about us, wanting to know 'specific' things ... we had dated for a little more than 4 years, and she also had a peek at my 'date journal' that I used to keep.  But I don't have it, so I couldn't go to it and recount any of our numerous 'rendevous'.  But what I do have ready to access, should let her know how I feel.

FIRST, SHE WAS UNBEATEN

Never lost while we were a couple.  In fact, had begun to dust off the ol' bottle, to go out in a thunderstorm to see if I was going to catch some lighting in it.  Didn't necesarrily need to win a title, maybe a regional thingy or just get a few 5 or 6 figure paydays, call it a night and get married.

Told her that I could remember those conversations, riding up and down I-77, going out Hwy 80 or the other way out Hwy 90 after we won a match.  And it was a 'we thing', because she was a part of making sure I stayed focused.  She could 'see' what I could see for us, and she decided she wanted that too.

I also remember the first time we got to 'know' each other.  We went out to what was then my favourite Italian restaurant, Maria's in Ferndale.  Took her to see a movie that I just watched again, 'The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' (an absolutely fantastic movie ... will review soon), and we went to a 'neutral site', and if I wasn't in love with her before (which I was), I would be after that night.

Can't overtstate the importance of the environment to me.  The little place we were in, was nice, not just nice enough.  I had picked up some chocolate covered cherries, and we sat down and we talked.  We both were nervous, not just because of the newness, but because we both had glimpses of what we hoped for being at arm's length.  I made her feel at ease, not rushing into things ... behaving like I 'had been there before,' and getting her to relax. 

NEXT: SO, WHAT'S IT LIKE ..?

Have a cookie ..?

SEE, I HAVE DIALED IT DOWN ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sDwmCFgoiE8

I had been going about getting myself together for over 10 mos., and I still have some ways to go.  After all I am still in Detroit and not in Nebraska, and there are plenty of things left for me to do.  That is part of why I am thinking about sex (no one told me that 'getting it together' would mean NOT GETTING IT) and here, sorta re-thinking about people ... and today we are thinking about Pecan Sandie.

Never have I been a 'good boy', but I also never claimed it.  Met her after Nixxie and I had stopped being bunk buddies, so that part was cool (neither of us knew KT was in the chute!), we weren't 'cheatin' on anyone or anything.  Things wouldn't get confusing for a few months when Nixxie told me we were preggers.  I was in quite a fix, as I had lost a fight or two and the managment behind me was getting squirrely. 

Pecan Sandie is rare in that she was a sister girl who 'took' to me and did not mind at all the 'unblack' things about me.  We would have the most fun together, and she really was there for me as a person could be.  The thing about her, was her 'mood swings'.  I told her about my first marriage and how my ex-wife thought that a straight right was fine communication tool.  Sandie said she would work on her temper.  She tried, I still have a single panel cartoon that she used as part of a collage that she made in an apology.

Don't like saying my personal pressures made me crack, and lose a person that could have help make my life.  After KT arrived and I was able to get out of my contract, we went to the Atl, to see if we were going to make it as a couple ...

... I still wanted to box.  Didn't see it happening from Georgia, and she didn't really want to come to Detroit, but she would have if I wanted her too, to be perfectly honest, she WANTED to, albeit reluctantly.  I weaseled my way from her.

This is getting harder to write, not because I don't want to remember it, but because I do get a little choked up, thinking about wanting something that she once offered to me, freely.  Is it enough to admit to having made a mistake and accept the punishment?  It is, but the human mind works on you and works on you.

The song, 'Breafast At Tiffany's' is a song she liked and she shared it with me.  For her, it was something that was inside of her and she let it out with me.  Man, I was such a mess during that time ...

When I had gotten settled in Detroit, she came up with the intent of 'taking me back home where I belonged'.  I wouldn't go.  Her next visit, I was with Tee Jay, and she was badly hurt.  What can I say?  Absolutely nothing.  It isn't enough when someone is in love with you like she was with me to say, "Hey, I am sorry but I did warn you".   Looking back, I wonder if her 'mood swings' were really that bad ... 

It is remembering the feelings from that time, that will help me understand why I am single and alone, should that be my fate.  I know that it is not, but I am just saying ...

 

Loving Can Be An Art

Veruca Salt

The band, not the character from 'Willy Wonka'.  Listened to their song 'Seether'.  Cool friggin' Beans!!

NOW WHERE WAS I

... so I always, ALWAYS have focused on finding out whatever made my partner tick.  That was where the challenge lay, and I won't pretend that I didn't put up some decent numbers.  When asked for an exact amount, I generally say, 'For a cat like me, who was in the Army, boxed professionally, and was cute before you came around, how many would you say?'  And what ever number came out, I would roll with it.  Would I want to know how many she (whoever 'she' ends up being)?  Yeah, but not for the reasons one may think.  Though it is related, it isn't this entry.

This is about how I can keep from jumpin' peoples bones, even when they are leaving clues and directions to it.

THE AKA PROTOCOL

Is she skilled?  Is she talented?  I don't know.  I didn't like it when we were being 'adult' before.  Besides her 'performance', there were other nitpicky things, like the fact I either 'hosted' her or we went to a 'neutral site'.  Made me feel uneasy, as that is a sign that someone has someone else.  Uh, there is NO COOCHIE that is to die for.  I would end up finding out why it was that way, which is more 'rabbit hole' stuff.  Anyhow, talking about her performance is enough.

She isn't the only 'Linda Lovelace' I had to deal with.  Mentioned before, I feel takes work, along with skill to help a woman reach her climax, and it means that as a partner, more forethought has to go into it.  I do a fair amount of 'reading' a person, seeing what kind of touches they respond to, the 'boudoir language' and a host of other aspects of sexuality that would make their experience more intense.  As for me, a touch here, a kiss there ... mainly that my partner would do more than just 'wait for it' is good enough to keep me going.

Again, I don't know if anyone has ever told her she was good at this or not.  I have been on both ends of that spectrum, some say I was 'the man' and other would demand a refund if they had to have purchase what I was selling!  I simply put on my coal miner's hat, as my intent is to 'go deep'.

In good, healthy sexual relationships, reciprocosity is a big part of it.  That so many adult women have to be 'enlightend' says a lot as to the state of their relationships, IMO (uh, nervy cat, ain't I?), but this isn't that entry.  I don't care to discover why she thinks that 'playing comatose' is a perfectly good option for a session of lovemaking, or why saying, 'don't climax' after a half hour is fine for someone who isn't getting hot and sweaty and smelly (which I don't like doing ... not into the 'marinating' thing) and lying in the 'wet spot'.  Oh come the hell on!  Get off me, cause you outweigh me, and I want to get a Coke and a shower!

Things haven't started 'pinching' yet, so I am not yet pressed.  Just knowing I would eventually feel something akin to 'buyer remorse' dulls whatever I am feeling that relates to being horny.  In my 20's, being a little arrogant and decidedly less sensitive than I am now, I would 'break the glass' and pull the alarm.  Today, I sit here unwilling to drum up the emotionally energy, and find the wherewithal for something that isn't going to even be satisfying to the indulgent side of me ... not to mention the 'pillow talk' and the post coital recap ...

SEXUALIZATION TAKES VISUALIZATION

While I like Camile Paglia's stuff, it was Dworkin's 'Woman Hating' that started me to really reforming how I viewed women and relationships.  Working to see 'all' of a woman, I found myself being attracted to someone I can share 'space' with.  With both Tee Jay and My Delta Girl, you could see us in different departments in a store and know that we belonged to one another.  That AKA may or may not (because I don't ask her about things like that ... ) be feeling that strongly enough about me to make that claim, is unfortunate.  She is a nice looking girl, but based on some of HER OWN WORDS, and from other observations I have made of her, I can't 'see' her as sexy.

Or as a potential partner.  Scratch another off the 'Ex-List'.

Next issue: More Grown folk talk!

Salt 'n Pepa talked about it ...

AND BERLIN SANG ABOUT IT ...

Prologue:

Yesterday I went grocery shopping at a Super Wal-Mart in 48150 ... because I had purchased some Ice Cream and some milk, I called AKA to see if she could come out and pick me up.  It was near 1600 hrs. and I figured she would be wrapping up her work day.

I asked if she was BUSY first, and she said she was.  She then asked why I had called, and I told her I was wondering if she could pick me up from shopping.  She said "Sure," so I waited.  And waited.  And waited.

Two full hours later, she arrived.  I was on my bike, and though I had a full complement of shopping, I could have made it back home in an hour or thereabouts.  Graciously, I put my gear in her ride, and made small talk as we rode to the house.

A half mile or so from home, I asked her to repeat two sentences; "Mark, I am busy", and "I can't right now, can I get to you another time?"

She replied with, "What, you think I don't say 'no' to you enough?"

I turned and locked her eyes.  "You know, that isn't what I asked you, but since you are presumptive, I will play along.  See, I could have made it home as I done it before.  The only difference is that I bought milk and Ice Cream, and I figured if you could get here, I could get it home before it melted/spoiled."

"The word 'no' doesn't hurt my feelings.  I try not to get into circumstance that I can't get out of.  I would have already BEEN home, had you said 'no, I can't Mark.  We'd still be friends."

Then she said "Natter, natter, natter."  I didn't pay it much attention, I had to get my groceries in the house.  Now, on with the show, and it is adult conversation.

SEX 

When AKA took me for my birthday dinner, she order herself a Jack and Diet Coke.  I rarely drink, so I just ordered a soda (sometimes, I get a 'Roy Rogers' or a 'Shirley Temple'!).  As we sat and ate, she pushed her half finished drink to me and ordered her another.  Ooo-kay.  I drank it as one alcoholic drink tastes the same to me.  BTW, if I mean to drink, it is usually a cognac with a Coke chaser, or some Jaegermeister,  but never to excess.  My limit is generally ONE.

Anywho, she had asked a month or so ago and was asking again over dinner, if I ever get horny.  Since this was the second time she asked this question, I knew what was on HER mind.  But it is amazing how two people can participate in the same event, and come away with totally different feelings about what happened.

Sex with her is not good.  I don't like it.  As for her, she thinks we 'fit perfect' together, and she was happy with it.  Me, not so much ... in fact, not at all.  Though she is a nice looking woman, aesthetically, she leave ME something to be desired.

Don't know if anyone else in her 'log book' ever complained to her ... I want to say that I did say something to her when we were 'bumpin' uglies' years ago.  But I haven't forgotten what it was like being with her.  She rivals my ex-wife as my most difficult partner ... the reason we 'fit together' is because I will work at finding what whoever likes, what positioning suits THEM best, and work at it.

I make it all about them, with the idea that it will be reciprocated.  For the most part, it works out fine, and is quite enjoyable.  Then there are times ... My approach has always been that since simple FRICTION can bring a man to climax, and sometimes a guy can be unconscious and make a mess, that it takes want to and desire to REALLY please a woman ... sorta like the difference between scoring and rebounding ... ANY knucklehead can score, but it takes passion to rebound!

LOVING CAN BE AN ART

I look to my insecurities and ask them 'Why are y'all here?  How do I get you to leave?'  For me as a teenager, I was so not the ladies man!  In fact, when I lost my 'cherry' I did not know what was going on, to the extent that I couldn't get out of my pants!  It was literally, a hot mess!

So I went home afterwards, fearing that not only would I not get another chance with her, after she laughed with her friends about it, I wouldn't get a chance EVER!  But she liked me more than that, and was even willing to give me another go ...

This time, I figured I needed an edge, and my edge was cunnilingus.  So, on my 'second at-bat', I was like, diver down!

... will finish this shortly ... don't say you weren't warned ... but it won't get explicit ..!

 

... topping things off

NEIGHBORHOOD CHAMPS

Is that what my Buckeyes are?  Only good enough to beat the teams that they can beat, but not even compete against the squads that they can't?  I have always, always wondered what do teams, people like that think?

The cat who lived around the corner from me, who I could only beat once, was a world amateur champ, and beat some flat out famous cats growing up, so when I moved from Detroit, and finally got a chance to grow, I did have a run, that is before I tripped myself.

But as good as he was, he never left the confines of his hometown, and didn't even get a chance to grow as a pro.  Later in our careers, when I was a little hot stuff fighting for money, they tried to match us ... but it would have been a back step for me, cause he hadn't grown into anything to justify the risk.

To me, if you haven't taken your stuff to where the brightest light are shining, you haven't earn the right to stick your 'achievements' in my face.  If you are going to reach, may as well reach for the stars, otherwise, you are just campin'!  Somehow, you only cheat yourself by never finding out, and you cheat the world of being the person that it needed.

... if that makes any sense.  I just know it does to me.

Next Issue: Something COMPLETELY different! (hint: remember, this is a NC-17 content journal!)

More Football ..!

MAN, IF SAGE STEELE WAS CAKE ...

... I would eat her up!  ESPN Sportscenter has taken on a regular morning show feel after the 9 a.m. repeat, with a Hannah Storm and some cat doing the hosting duties, and my girl Sage with the job as the news update/review person.  She is just as pretty as a sunflower, and I can smell her perfume (though I have no idea of what she wears!).

This is a big shift for me, 'fixating' on someone like her.  What does it mean?  Will the next lady in my life be a 'Mica babe' like the aforemention Miss Steele?  Will she be able to 'understand' sports, so that we can watch together?  Is she going to have an athletic background, and will we work out together and do road races and stuff?

Don't really know, only that I am up to running off to meet 'her'!

PAST WEEKEND

Me and SD went to see 'The Women' on Saturday.  I enjoyed it, but don't go if you want to take something seriously.  We were up to our old tricks, chatting people up in line, and letting people think we were a married couple!  I was a little surprised that she did want to go out with me, as her friends have said that they would 'shun' her if she did.  Yeah, I know why.  She got her feelings hurt ... another day for that, maybe.

That was Saturday afternoon.  That evening, AKA and I went to hear JL King, who wrote a book about the 'Down Low' thing, in fact you could say his writing started it.  It was a cool discussion, but he is still in denial, something I had picked up from the 'Oprah' show he was on years ago.  Anywho, he also spoke on self-publishing, which is why AKA made sure I knew he was in town.

THE BUCKEYES

Lost on the national stage yet again ... but who is the best team in the midwest?  Yeah, just what I THOUGHT you would say.  But sometimes, that gets a little frustrating, being superior to all the people in your own neighborhood, especially when it isn't the toughest neighborhood around.

When I was boxing, being a top Detroit fighter meant that you were prolly one of the best in the country, because the WORLDS best were here.  There were cats that HAVE went on to greater success, amateur and pro, and had I been able to have beat them ...

Anywho, right now, if you aren't from the SEC, you can't claim any conference strength.  Is there another school playing football in the Pac-10, or all they surfin' still?  The ACC?  Another basketball conference masquerading as a football league.  Could go on, and on.

So Ohio State, is the best around, but is that enough for them?  Are they striving for more, and what effect does it have to be the 'best' only to find out they are still as far as they can be from the best, that the worst is closer to them, than they are to the top?

YES APRIL DEAR, THIS IS A METAPHOR ...

The library computer is crap, can't finish my thought.  Will go down to WSU to finish up and stuff ... if not, will pick up where I left off ..!

At the Undergrad Library

WELL, OH MY ..!

The stiff headwind I rode out to my friends in, would become a TORNADO Saturday night ... it was the building BEHIND HIS that was the more damaged.  My phone was wet, and it didn't dry out until yesterday, as his reg'lar phone was out, and his cell # was in my phone.  Finally it did, and Hutch was in the dark, but undamaged.  Whew!

AKA said that I had become a 'tornado magnet' as the same thing happened to me in the provencial town I shared with the Mook's, a small tornado close enough to touch.  I prefer to think of myself as 'fortunate' as I could have easily been caught up in either one.

Good sign for me, that my 'Longshot luck' is still a part of my S.O.P!

YEAH, YR R RITE!

No more 'corn-fed' comments.  After all, I plan on assimilating and making Nebraska MY HOME.  Period.  Visit wherever, but always come back to it.

GOOD OL' DIRECTV!

Saw '8 Seconds' the other day.  Good movie, and I make the same parelles ... maybe one day I will go over them, as they have to be recast in my mind.  Caught some of the Tar Heels football game, and you gotta like their color scheme ... that navy pant with the Carolina blue tops are cool!

Isn't it a sign of the impending apocalypse when Kansas and South Florida meet in a nationally televised football game, and they are both RANKED?  Are you serious?  Kansas in the top 25 ... is it Februrary and are they playing basketball?  South Florida ... isn't that a DESTINATION and not a football school?  Time keeps on movin' into the future, and that future is NOW.

LAST RANDOM THOUGHT

Michigan has a bottle deposit on beer and soda cans & bottles.  I pick them up, saving them until the end of the week and returning them to the Meijer's out in the 48150.  I don't hunt for them, as they are often just out in the litter, but I will pick them up if I see them.  Just something to do, and I get to collect the caps from Coke products and enter the codes for points.  I have over 1000 pts!  There has been only one prize I have seen worth this hassle, a Garmin pedometer.  It was valued at 3k, but hey what is a dream if it isn't worth the effort of trying to reach it?

OSU, MSU, and the U of M

...but Wisconsin is a party state, and the Badgers are going to win the Big Ten!  Michigan couldn't beat the Dillon Panth--, er, Notre Dame and my beloved Buckeyes got a black eye, busted nose and split lip in Los Angeles.  State won in the rain, but they were playing another one of those directional schools (is it me, or is Florida Atlantic redundant to you too?) in the wind and rain.  A win is a win.

I really think that the Badgers are going to win the Big Ten this year ... they have a thick middle part to their schedule, but I think they will handle it.  They sit as 'trap games' for both Michigan and Michigan State.  Yeah, they will end up going to Pasedena and WINNING the Rose Bowl!

... and I have counted to three ...

MICHIGAN

We talked a little about what I had going on in my mind.  Told him that I was looking forward to moving out to Nebraska, and he pulled my called, and it became a 'truth in advertising' moment.

I know that he cares for me, so it didn't bother me that he shook his head in the 'there you go again' way that you do when someone does something entirely predicible, and it goes against your own understanding.  I faced up, and told him what I think and thought, as he asked about 'my concubine' and how that was going.

Explained how I felt 'obligated' to say hello to everyone, cause the 'Ex-List' is a good idea for me, though in saying that, it isn't something that is going to prevent me from moving forward.  Then he said, "You are just going out there for that girl", and I said ... "Yeah, and..?"

"See, I think I have a grip on me, and that I don't kid myself.  I would love for Nebraska to want to be involved with me, but that isn't why I am going.  You have known me since forever, and you have heard me complain about Detroit since before I could drive (which I can't now, but that is something else!), so that I want to leave shouldn't come as a surprise."

"That I am sharing this with you, is.  I am going to claim my goal this time, and I feel this is part of it.  As to whether or not I 'get the girl' or not ... well, getting a life is what this is about, and that is exactly what I will do."

"Does Tee Jay know?  Have you talked with her?"

Now, we have talked several times since I have been home, about once every 10 days to two weeks.  No one is rushing into anything, and I don't want to know what she has going on.  I like that I have been able to get things together, and being able to think about what I can do, what lies ahead, seems to be more interesting than trying 're-sublimate' myself, and put up with the 'growing pains' of getting back into her life.

But like the Wolverines, she has what it takes ... but can we put it all together?  Each thought about getting us back together only makes the case for going somewhere else stronger.  I don't want to have to 're-prove' myself, going over and beyond to be with someone.  That is what I have thought you had to do in trying to get back together, and I did that with my ex-wife, during our crap marriage.  Haven't done it since, and don't think I want to break up that streak.

Visiting

 

OVER AT HUTCH'S

Rode my bike out to the 48170 ... stiff headwind slowed me down bunches and had me work HARD to get out that way.  Interesting, as tired as I was, still popping out of bed as early as I have.  I wonder if I am ever going to find a place where I can sleep like the rest of the world ..?

We went to an Elias Bros. as I did not want to have too much spent on me.  With AKA's b-day coming up, I did think it was fair to have her take me to the Outback ... cause I am going to show her that there is more to dining than the little hole in the wall places she frequents.  McCormick and Schmidt's, or a restaurant out this way, Bistecca may fit the bill.  I will save the Whitney for someone special, should she ever come my way ...

MY OWN VOICE, CAN'T SAVE ME NOW

The band 'TV on the Radio' makes me envious that they were friends who found each other to make music.  The lead singer has a Peter Gabriel sound to his voice, and they have the 'look' that I was stumbling around trying to catch in my high school years.  Speaking of which, I use the path only as a reference point, because I think deeply about what is to come ... hopefully there is an IKEA somewhere near the KC-O ... or in Lincoln ... or somewhere. 

I keep those thoughts inside of me mainly, because the time hasn't come for them to start being planted.  Other than looking forward to finding a school to go to, if for nothing else to give me the illusion that I am doing something, and finding a nice corn fed girl to sip coffee with, I don't have any other expectations ... oh, not getting hit by a car as I ride my bike in town!

Finding live clips of bands is sooo cool.  Sometimes, I prefer them to the fancy piped in version you get with videos.  I get to gauge the artists emotional visceral reaction to their music, to see if it resembles the feelings that well up inside of ME.

This is on a list of songs that I wish I could have been a part of creating.  Each listen, it seems to say a little something new to me.

quietly pour out like light
like light, like answering the sun

you're staring at the sun
you're standing in the sea
your mouth is open wide
you're trying hard to breathe
the water's at your neck
there's lightning in your teeth
your body's over me

Gotta love lyrics like that.  Sometimes that is what I think is going on with people, wondering if they have what it takes to get out there and get involved in a relationship.  The heart and soul pouring out like light and into the sun (man, that motif of standing newly made under the sun is one that has been strong in me since forever) is how I have tended to approach a relationship, defining my expectations almost from the instant of meeting someone.  That is why when I re-opened relations with Tee Jay, I told her that I still loved her (it took me 3 YEARS to get over her), but I also have made plans to get going and find my life ...

SINCE IT WORKS FOR STEPHANIE MEYER...

She writes some high school based vampire novels, and she closely associates music with her work.  Dag!  Had that idea ... see what happens when you have an idea and are first to market with it?  Nebraska (the person) mentioned once that we could write a book ... and sometimes I think these confused scribblings would make a decent story.  But will I want to relive these words?

Anywho, where I can, I will unashamedly put songs and music in my entries.  May even go on a 'tag' project, so that I can organize this stuff.  We will see, as I am not sure if I want to feel some of these words again, taking me off a good stride.  We will see.

Oh, if anyone would tell me how to post stuff up on here or anywhere else, I would appreciate it.  Thanks and 'Snootchie Bootches'!

...okay, a little more ...

... since tomorrow's plan is ...

... to be engaged and immersed in the total wonderfulness of being ME, I figure I will get this out ... the presidential election concerns me.

In so many ways, it is very important, and I do think that there is a 'right or wrong' part in it.  There are good guys and bad guys ... It seems that every story I hear, whether it is on NPR or on Fox, confirms what is shivering in my heart.

Don't know what this means.  I try to stay away from something that I don't get, because generally it must be too insignificant for me to worry about.  This one, is the exception.  We have to make the right choice.

I don't get caught up in with stuff, so consult whatever you have to consult to come to your choice in November.  I am going to try as hard as I can to refrain from spewing about it, just hope that the good guys win.

And there is a 'good guys' in this one.

... a continuation of policy

WHY I GO WHERE I AM CALLED

This is not to say that it can't happen in Detroit, but it has always been quiet.  To explore what might be around isn't as appealing as it is to go in a new direction, and I can make my own trail.

I eat a lot of snacks, and when AKA and I first met, there was the flavour soda pop from Faygo, Cotton Candy.  It was HORRIBLE!  But that along with Mrs. Fields cookies were must buys at the gas station.

When Tee Jay and I were dating, I HAD to have ice cream, either from 31 Flavors or Breyer's.  Those were the only two that I would enjoy, which isn't to say that if someone offered me a bowl, I would turn it down (that would have been rude, since they went to the trouble and all!)

When I was with Mookie, it was the ol' stand by's, Butter fingers (2) and Coke.  That was one of those signs of trouble, cause that was a childhood comfort food.  This is just more abstract arcana that says to me, that the Mark that I want to be, is still here.  I can still find my level and work from it, appearing similarly to people but different. 

I am sure I could struggle around and get the little things about Mark from Carolina, and Mark from Georgia.  The point of all this is ... does there have to be a point?

The basic fundamental part of my character is still in here, still with the same ability to morph and be Mark as he appears to the observer.  This plays a big part in why my biggest worry about going west isn't necessarily love, but one of help.  Therapy helped me rediscover the 'you' in universe, and there is a place for me.

A few entries ago, I did m 'After the Escatsy ... the dishes' line because most of the heavy lifting, which required an intense focus and was engaging of me mind and body, is complete.  And after you mess up the sheets and bedroom playing 'Doctor' or 'Bad Student', you have to clean up the mess, and get back to the everyday things that brought you to that moment.

It was a little dip there, because I can see that as I look from the hill that I just climbed, there is yet another one ahead, and it could be even higher and steeper.

Shoot!  I am tired!  That is a hard word to wring out of me, but I am.  Yeah, every now and then, a thought comes in, one that wants me to say 'hmm, are you sure you got one more life for this, cat?  And if you do, it would mean that there may not be another one left, you get me?'

That is something that I do 'get', and why I do the things I feel is necessary for me to be ready.  The precaution that I am going to take, is that I will plan at least one 'reconnaissance' mission before I give the 'go ahead'.

SORRY ABOUT THE LENGTH

I was walking down Six Mile Road, 16 years old, looking forward to gradution, with no focus, and no real direction, when I passed the recruiters office in 48219.  When all at once, the pretending that I was fighting in Guadalcanal and the jungles of the Phillipines, the stories told about the 'nam by uncles and the 'good war' hit me.

Two hours later, I was pleading with my Mom to sign a contract so that in June, when I would be of age (16 years, 9 mos) to go.  I would leave in July for basic training.

Gave you the random scraps that led me to Carolina ... just wanted to go to Georgia, to see if me and Pecan Sandie could do something.  There are other places, but I first have to find THE one place.

Home.  That is what I expect to find out west.

NEXT: MORE OF MY FAVOURITE SONGS AND BANDS!