Getting to the trash ..!

SUNNY DAY

So the story about 'feeling sorry' for myself will be short.  For most of the 90's, the song that I let (because the irony was that it absoutely didn't) define me, was the Smith's 'How Soon Is Now?'  I let the lyrics seep into my character, and though as I moved about the landscape as a rake, I would throw myself on the bed, full of sadness because I had '... left the club on your own and I would go home and cry and want to die'.

If that wasn't the biggest piece of crap to have told myself.  In high school, it may have been plausible.  Didn't go to my prom because I didn't want to subject myself to the rejection and humiliation of having people say, "With you?"

The misfit girl who I thought would be a 'person of interest' dropped the deathless line, "Mark, it is about supply and demand, and what you supply isn't in demand."

Ouch.  So when I heard songs like "I Wanna Be Adored" and "Voices Carry", I would make them fit me.  But nothing seemed to fit like "How Soon Is Now?"  And I would go on, feeling sorry for myself (only a little, but sometimes a little is more than enough).

I get a little mad at myself for the time I lost being a F--k to people, because I was still letting some slights that I had no reason to let bother me, bother me.

Do I hope that I made penance with the committment I made with Mookie?  Sure I do.  And if not, then I am at peace with the idea that I have fumbled all the love and happiness of a great relationship away.  I have really enjoyed my chances, and even though I might not have found a way to make a relationship 'click', I think that I did do my best.

SEE, I THOUGHT I WAS IMMUNE

When I finally caught that 'Mournful Morrissey' was a virus infecting my emotional system, I decided to take another tack, really cast a gaze internally.  I feel moved, for what ever reasons, to be a part of a relationship.  I realize at this particular juncture, that is a unique and difficult perspective for most people to understand.

At this point in my life, I have accepted that I am not going to be the internationally renowned boxer-social activist, talk show host,  movie star cum author that I had onced hoped.  There is some of that I can get, and I will try to reach for it.  Sitting with fellow adults, and hearing them complain about material needs and material things, letting their fear of not having something that is subjective at best, insignificant at worst, makes my head spin.

If you are 'here', then unless you pull the right slot machine lever, you won't ever get 'there', as far as material things go.  Take a plane to China or take a train to Spain, go around the world again and again, is no longer a realistic thing for me, OR many of my peers to be expecting. Letting your reach exceed your grasp is a good thing to motivate you, but not to be blindly consumed by.  Don't ever forget to take what you CAN grab, and realize it is just as good, even though they are 'milky minutes'!

My plan for myself, is to get into a decent schedule, where I am going to the YMCA, which is not a block from my favourite branch of the Detroit Public Library, where I make most of my entries, two times a week.  I spent last week, 'punishing' myself by running 5 straight days, along with getting in 200 miles on my bike, to kick of the change in my training.  Gonna get some resistance bands (which are an absolute must, along with the right size stability ball for home workouts), and keep calling the darn hotel, until they tell me to stop!  In fact, tomorrow I am going to make an appearance, maybe talk to personnel.

With Skye, I have decided to take a more aggressive approach, which includes making her and her crap Mom deal with that 'monitored visitation'.  See, she is still a minor child, and I am not going to let her go thru her life not knowing my side of the story, which is pretty short.  I didn't give her Mom a chance to be a wife, BUT her Mom did try to jump me many times, and subsquent to our divorce, have spent much time talking bad about me to anyone who she could.  I know this to be true, because THEY HAVE TOLD ME. 

This leads me to believe that you have heard nothing but crap about me, and if so, I don't think that I would want to know me either.  But your Mom was wrong, and some time in your life, you will get it.  If you don't, that will be sad, but as you know, your sisters and I have things going.  They have tried to reach you but YOU didn't reach back.

Why?  I don't care.  All this is going to become YOUR CROSS.  I am going to make myself available to you, and your BLOOD SISTERS have as well.  It is a crap thing, you calling people you have no relations to other than social anything other than 'friends', but that is you.

Does your Father love you?  Yes he does.  Is he sorry for how things have turned out?  Would turn back time to make things different.  Does he feel obligated to you?  That is why I am here, now.

But there are other obligations to be kept.  You want to believe in the crap philosophy of the 'hood', be my guest.  But you won't ever be able to say that I didn't love you and didn't want to be a part of your life.

Now, this isn't something I am going spit out on day one or anything.  But it is how I feel, and I have time to move her in a different direction.  Just know that this isn't going to be pretty and I don't think that it is going to be easy.  I can't express how poisioned she is against me ... the only time that we really had a good time, was when her Mom was married ... her STEP FATHER directly intervened ... as to why he left? 

Her  Mother lied to him.  She didn't tell him that she was 'fixed' and when he wanted to have a child of his own, with his wife (he didn't have any), he couldn't because she told him a lie.

At least that is what my sources on the ground told me ...

Next:  Finally done with that mess ..!

A Redirect ...

A STATIS CHECK FIRST

Good news on the 'personal effort' front.  Can start work next month on a more aggressive approach with Skye.

I was going through my mental musical library to see if I can tap into my own personal shadows and what makes me lie in the bed all day, because Priscilla, it does happens from time to time, but admittedly those are few and very far between.  My personality is buoyant, and I come up with the seas of life start to roil.

I think part of the reason I find it difficult to be and remain depressed for any length of time, is that I have never in my conscious life, not call things as I see it, particularly with myself.  I own what I have done, and I do the best that I can ... simple as that.  Yes, I wish that I could have been more to KT and Lexxie, and I will always be in debt to Nixxie and Pecan Sandie for letting me be in their lives.

My First Wife is a crap person, IMO, a tacky ghetto hood rat in denial.  BUT, I could have been a better husband, youth or no, and then she would have had the chance to be a better wife.  Being a better couple, it follows that BJ and Skye would have been better served and we'd have better relationships all around.

I thought my music would take me to where I feel a little sorry for myself, and I could write from there.  But in my univerese, those are false emotions, and I just can't do it, and sometimes I try.  Even when I am naturally down, at some point, something will say, 'Get the F-- up!', and I do.

My Mother simply didn't let me do that crap.  For real.  When they would pick at the lone black kid playing hockey at Jack Adams, to the mean hoodlums at Taft Middle School, she made sure that I understood being a p----y was not an option for me.

There are two songs that I can bring up 'certain' feelings, that are less than good.  One is a Kenny Loggins song ... don't really remember the name of it, only that it talked about 'oh, what a lonely boy' in it.

I think it came out in the late spring-early summer of my 8th grade year.  I had noticed a change in our relationship.  We seemed to spend less time together, and she seemed to be less involved with me.

One day, that song came on theradio, and it made me cry.  My Mom heard me, and she put me in the car and we went out somewhere together.  I know what came of the talk was my first glimpse into the pressures of a single Mother having to find a way to raise 5 children alone.  From that conversation, I took to understand that I was going to have to make my way on my own ... and from that moment on, rightly or wrongly, I started to go off on my own direction.

My Mom always, always had my back.  Do I wish she could have been more involved?  Yeah, but she couldn't.  Jan was a needy girl, for too many reasons to list (sorta like AKA).  Her evny issues lead her to be a thankless, unapprieciative child, and just a horrible adult.

I hold her SOLELY responsible for the division in our family prior to and subsquent to our Mother's transition.  I don't care about or for her.  Period.

She brought my First Wife into our family at my expense.  She alone was the source of all the ill feelings towards me, and why they embraced and took my wife side in the divorce.  I think about what it would have been like if I had to come back home, instead of keeping on chasing my life, what would have happened.

Yes Audrey, it would have been ugly.  'Cops' or a 'Maury' kind of ugly and ignorance.  I only can help Jan in a cats paw fashion.  I may half speak to a family memeber, or help them, and let them help her.

Were she to catch fire, she would not draw my spittle.

When it comes to the rift between my sibs and I, that is not on me, I could care less what anyone says.  Jan is a color-struck, self-hating, imbecile, who is not deserving of anything good.  She looks out for herself, and embodies Schoepanauer's definition of a 'scoundrel' to a tee.

That day spent with my Mom, she talked to me about how my 'time' had passed and she had to spend more time with the younger children.  She would be 'there' for me, but she HAD to be more 'there' for the rest, particularly Jan.  Her issues merited attention, and I agreed.  So it would go on, that I would strike out and do what I do ...

Next:  No, as you can see, I am not immune to anger OR self-pity ...

UTOPIA PARKWAY

MORE CONVENTION THOUGHTS ...

The retired CSM that spoke, Michelle Jones was SMOKIN'!

Not just because she is a very attractive lady, but because she brought intensity to the stage.  That is one of the things about the Non-Com Officers ... they don't mind displaying the chip on their shoulder and daring you to knock it off!

Rep. Pat Murphy was a stud in his on right.  The story he told of being in Iraq, dealing with the oppressive heat and riding in a humvee with NO DOORS, having to face the, "Sir, what are we doing here?" question from a troop was very good.  I know that the Reps will have their share of vets for their dog and pony show next week, still I think the Dems did a excellent job with their choices.

The said that President Clinton did his own thing ... why wouldn't he?  He is an excellent speechwriter, and prolly is WAY smarter than anyone who was trying to write one for him ... you don't just go from Hope, Arkansas to Oxford by being lucky!

Am I the only one who saw how Hillary looked at him while he spoke?  Does anyone STILL doubt that she is STILL in love with him?

UTOPIA PARKWAY

I had heard the song 'Radiation Vibe' by the Fountains of Wayne and got their first cd.  Their second somehow slipped by me, because it wasn't until I read a year end review saying that it was the best album, that I went and picked it up.

Was in Carolina, and my roomies were gone ... visiting family?  Anywho, I started playing that cd in the early afternoon and it wasn't until at least 11 pm that I took it out.

Whatever it was that came out of me that night, I didn't know was even in me.  It made me weep, the songs were so good.  I still to this day can't listen to 'Utopia Parkway' without a rush of feelings filling up inside.  I have half looked for the road, Utopia Parkway; will eventually google it.  Fought in New Jersey a few times and would ask if anyone ever heard of it.

No rush to find out where and what it is ... it is good being what it is in my head for me, right now.  A place where dreams are formed and chased ... and despite how unlikely it is for someone else, it remains as vivid and approachable to me, to become a reality.

LIKE TRIMUPH SAID ...

"We keed, we keed!" 

Okay, I have never been to Nebraska.  Even when I was stationed in Kansas, never went.  Going to go mainly on faith and trust.

But I poke a little fun with it, after all, I didn't call 'em 'Cornhuskers' ... the way I understand it, they did it themselves!  But honestly, what do you expect to find when you come to Detroit? 

Just as there are more than cornfields in Nebraska, there is more than blight and a urban jungle in Detroit.  Thinking about the places I would show Nebraska (the person) when she comes, got me to consider where I would take her.

Because I don't want to over reach, I would stick to the basic, classic places that I know.  The Whitney, Mario's, or Chuck Muer's Merrieweather's are three that come to mind.  Good, fancy fine dining.

The entertainment part would be a little tricker, as I can only think of places OUTSIDE the city limits ... and these are places I haven't been in awhile myself.  Perhaps we'd run into my First Wife, who works in one of the casino's downtown (oh come on now, who hasn't wanted to run into an ex with their 'upgrade at the position'?) ...

... not like I have been planning a date here with her or anything ..!

But that is something I do, pick just a little at people.  Part of what 'fair play' is about is being able to take what you dish out.

IF I HAD A PHOTOGRAPH OF YOU ...

Not going to kid.  I get lonely.  Very lonely.  My Best Niece really is a cool little lady ... speaking with KT and Lexxie reminds me of what I may have missed by not being more involved with them.

The problem with me being lonely, is that I think that all people send out an energy that is trying to find someone to bind themselves to.  This is something I feel comes from an open heart, especially when the desire to be a part of a relationship is great.

It takes discipline, not to go 'piegon hunting', and just find Miss Right Now.  Not to mention, that that is a callous knife that cuts two ways ... who's to say that I wouldn't be the target for some odd crap that a prospective birdie has in store for the wrong someone?

Hey, when life is trying to hit you with a sucker right hand ... DON'T LET IT ..!

(still, you never say never ..!)

Enjoy the Cocteau Twins!

... One week without you ...

Not 'my' Vacation ...

Anywho ... felt guilty about not watching the first day of the convention ... instead watched an awesome movie, "No Country For Old Men", which I think was the best movie in a strong year for movies.

Joe Biden is a decent enough guy ... but what, did they lose Bill Richardson phone number (perhaps he will get a shot at Sec. of State ... be a big risk taker and bring back Colin Powell!)?  Oh, and Jim Webb cell phone service kept dropping out?

Bill Richardson gives a strong in roads to a Hispanic vote that is IMO, wishy-washy towards Obamam.  Jim Webb gives the ticket Iraq war bonafides, and brings in important electoral college votes.

Can't remember if 'Kansas Kate' is someone that Russ supports or not ... but she spoke well, and I was impressed by her.  The cat from Montana ... PLEASE PUT HIM IN WASHINGTON ..!

As to Deval Patrick ... easy to see why Obama 'cribbed' speeches from him.  I liked how he showed that it can happen in one generation, the new American story as he called it.  From rotating bed to floor with his Mom and Sis, to having his daughter meet heads of state and traveling internationally, he showed that you can have it sooner than you think, if you work for it.

And Hilary knocked it out the park.  The caveat I have is the Clintons have some 'skank' in them, and can't say they will be the good soldier in this ... after all, the Obama folks are draggin' their feet with helping her retire her campaign debt.  And you don't need to be aggravating people when you are black trying to blaze a trail ... it seems a bit, well, ELITEIST for him to think he can do it without their help.

The Clintons could dirty things up on Obama ... Carville is good at 'stuff', and he is a Clinton acolyte.  Besides, the 'wine and cheese Democrats' are as racist as the NASCAR folks in 'bama and Miss., and they don't need much of an excuse not to vote for Obama.

SO TAKE THAT LOOK OUT OF HERE, IT DOESN'T FIT YOU

The song, "In A Big Country" is on my mental IPod, and I play it for times like this, to spurr me forward and looking to what lies ahead with hope and anticipation.  I have never really felt like Detroit was a part of me, and fitting in was always a challenge.

Another song that I am 'hearing', is 'Today' by the Smashing Pumpkins.  A super cool video, and I love the line, "I want it more than life could ever grant me" ... make me think that to get what it is you want, you have to go beyond just the 'want' to actually get what it is you have set before you.

Yeah, "Today is the greatest day I have ever known," because it is all you ever really have ...

ONE WEEK WITHOUT YOU, I CAN'T FORGET

"... two weeks without you and I still haven't gotten over you yet!"

The song "Vacation" by the Go - Go's had all the elements of August love at summer camp, just before it is time to get back on seperate buses, and you have to wave good bye to your crush (yes, you can insert a 'Chicago' reference here!)!

Sure it was everything that I ever wanted!  Who wouldn't want to meet someone who is absolutely the ginchiest thing?  The only way it could have been better, would have to have spent the weekend with Jill Scott ... scratch that, because I don't have a real shot at Jill, and sides, Nebraska is prettier!

When it came into my mind to meet her in Chicago, that was a NOW moment happening.  I knew that I had to be ready and that it was going to be something I would build memories on for years and years to come ...

... for me to have met one of the great loves of my life!

This is not to say that it goes both ways.  This is something that I have learned to deal with over the years, that sometimes, that completely wonderful person can be into you ... only not so much.

Frank Black covered the Beach Boys song, "Hang On To Your Ego" is about "hang on, but I know that you're gonna lose the fight" ...

It isn't like I don't understand that she isn't going to fall into my arms and we go skipping into the corn fields together.  Do I get how unlikely it is that she would do so, like, ever?

That is where my experience comes in.  It isn't like I don't know how that feels or how to recognize it.  For instance, even though I know and have told AKA in no uncertain terms the borders of our relationship, she still calls me (like she did last night) and chat me like we are buddies.  I mean, 'bunk buddies', not just friends.

We aren't, and it reminds me again of 'The Crying Game' ...

Other people have measured me, and called me worse than what I would expect to happen to me ... 'Emotional Terrorist' comes to mind ... and SD calling me a 'cad'.  So if I am not willing to take that risk, of getting a serving of 'just desserts' to try to find the love that I seek, then I don't deserve it at all ...

... next ... just where exactly ARE the 'Fountains Of Wayne'?

... regularly scheduled programming ...

Carolina - State

At Ford Field ... I scored a $9 nose-bleed ticket! Got to the box-office at 9 am, and waited to be second in line.

Wasn't a rush ... ended up only being a total of four of us to get the early bird tickets ... but I have learned that it is the value that YOU place on things that should determine what you do ...

I wanted to get the ticket. Just to have the stub would be cool enough. To hang around, talk with people going to the game in the restaurants downtown, going into Ford Field will be fun.

Gonna stock up on souvenirs ... get a pennant for sure and a tee shirt ... program too. Put them up, so that I can put them on display when I get to my place ...

... in Nebraska.

MY AWESOME MIXTAPE

St. Valentine's Day Massacre - My Awesome Mixtape

More than just a cool European Indie band ..! Most of my more recent music is on portable memory sticks that I don't get a chance to access at my Dad's house, and I am sooo very analog, which means I don't listen to most of it.

But I do have anywhere from 60 - 80 mixtapes that I have made over the years. I started doing it, creating tapes in order to run and train to. I think I have made one, maybe two tapes FOR someone, and NONE with someone in mind.

So even though there is some melancholy in them, it isn't purposeful. I have never been one to wallow in misery or self pity. The INFINITE SADNESS isn't something that I do, you know?

I like a lot of obscure music ... at least obscure in the sense that I have never heard them on the radio or anyone else talking about them. For instance, the tape that got 'stuck in my tape player', has this song by a band Skip Holiday, "Stand In Traffic", that is for me an upbeat song about a cat who doesn't know where he is going, only that it is going to be someplace good ... sorta like me!

The particular tape has a couple of other songs that I 'feel'. David Bowie's 'Friday On My Mind' is another song that I have always like, this is one of my Mom's songs.

Dire Straits have put out several good albums ... but Sultans of Swing for my money is one of the best songs like, EVER. Sometimes, I still feel like a little boy riding around in my Mom's Duster, thinking about how cool it was to be able to jam with your friends, doing something you liked even as it went against the grain.

I put 'That's Entertainment' by the Jam on after it, because the title seemed to convey what the 'Sultans' were about, giving the zoot suit crowd what they NEED to hear.

But 'Entertainment' is all about the irony of life. The day to day milling around that many people do. The constant day to day struggle of the working class, with their hopes and dreams, and the small joys that they find each and every day as they cope with the daily toil of city life.

WHY THE MIXTAPE SERIES

... because it is going to be a theme for a bit, to keep my mind free from 'stupidity'.

And well, because I am filling out paper work and waiting for the bureacracy to do its thing, the 'stuff' that I have to do, really isn't something that is taxing. I have to remember the dates, make the dates then move on to the next thing.

My Dad is letting me save a couple of coin. He doesn't know I am going to bug out for Nebraska, but I will tell him next year. There isn't a rush, as when you move steadily towards a goal, time will go with you and when it is time, you are there!

Still call the hotel and ask if they need any banquet servers! Put in some apps at a couple of bookstores. Fingers are crossed!

So, next issue ... Vacation..!

...it was in a thought balloon ...

... there aren't any doubts ...

This is something that I had thought I shared, but didn't, about my feelings for Nebraska (the person).  Here it goes:

ONCE IN A LIFETIME

When I was dressin' in OD Green, me & this young E-6 Indianpolis would make stupid jokes about the South, saying it was where 'Mister Charlie can kick a brother in the teeth, and the brother will say, "Thank you, Mister Charlie, thank you!" Substitute 'love' for Mister Charlie, and I think that is pretty spot on.

The Proclaimer sang it;  I have LIVED it and am willing to do it again.  If Nebraska doesn't get it ...

...that will have to be cool.

I like to believe that I have caught 'lightning in a bottle' a couple of times in my life.  The first time, it was with My Delta Girl and I was flying by the seat of my pants.  The 2nd time, it was with Tee Jay, and I MEANT to find love with her.

Last fall, meeting Nebraska, confirmed everything that matter to me, was telling me about her.  Trying figure out how I fit in her life is going to take pure, blind faith.  She has already said ... well, I won't say it myself, then the words would become more solid.

TAKE ME OUT, TONIGHT

I don't drive ... she was 'the wheel' while we were together.  The second I laid eyes on her at the Greyhound station, until we said our good byes, it felt like I was floating, being in the prescence of what was a dream come to life.

My mind was full of all the good things that I had to store away, since Mookie wasn't willing to share any of them.  To be honest, I don't know IF she had any, even after asking her.  But I can hear in Nebraska's voice that there are plans and hopes, as well as the willingness to sacrifice to make them happen ...

When we driving around, though it was unfamiliar for her, I knew that she would get us there.  She has such a competence to her, that created the expentancy I have in my heart to get west, to live and to love and share time with her.  I can see the two of us growing together and experiencing what I will selfishly say would be the kind of love that happens when people who should be together, find each other across the miles.

The moment on the Navy Pier, with Lake Michigan in the background framing her, in that instant she was the most beautiful woman I had ever scene.  It felt as I looked at her as though my heart had become a butterfly and spread wide its wings, I was so full of her.

...in leaves no step had trodden black ...

I have no idea what is going to happen when I see Tee Jay.  The Wall of Vodoo song, "Call of The West" has been a personal theme song for me since jr. high, when I realized that Detroit was were I may have been BORN but it isn't my HOME.  In fact, I have an echo of wanting to be a running back for Nebraska and thinking I would live in Kansas City ... I wonder why I didn't, go to Nebraska for school at least?  How much different would it have been from choosing Carolina?

Would I havemet THE Nebraska if I had?  I know I would have, because I am supposed to have met her ...

Right now, I am just letting the days go by ... my best niece is doing a better job at being 'my daughter' than I would have thought.  She really likes me, and I really love her.  She is a good little girl, and I wouldn't mind ...

... would not mind having her come visit me in Nebraska.  Got to keep our focus, keep the main thing, the main thing.  And that is getting to Nebraska.

I Can Do It ..!

FREESTYLE FRIDAY ..!

Keeping this journal is important to me, as it has been part of my routine and keeps me focused.  I usally jot stuff down, but today because I think I have been such a good boy, I am going to do an 'up and out' entry ...

... what ever comes up, will be coming out ..!

PIECES OF THE STAR THIEF

About to get NC-17 in here.  One of the things that I haven't addressed is that this 'mission' included involuntary chastity.  How is it that a fairly attractive, virile male who is an '8 percenter', keeps his sanity?  Because you can only run SO far ...

First, being 41, I had BETTER be able to let the 'big head' do the thinking.  By doing that, I realize that it is only thru sexualization, not intellectual or spiritual stimulation (ooh, that is a heady conceptualization for a reg'lar bloke!) that is being activated in me.  So the two should beat the one, right?

I 'see' women, but only in their pieces ... all shadow no substance.  Whenever I find myself looking at them, I only see a shade, without depth.  This is why AKA and I are 'friends' and why something that was so anticipated was a let down, despite not having any high hopes or expectations.

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN WE MET ...

... went to Tee Jay's house.  Don't know how I feel, even with having no real expectations.  I enjoyed seeing her Mom, 'A squared', her daughter and her older brother and sister in law.  Her nephew Jr. was in there as well, and we were always cool.

Kept to my script ... I still love her, and I didn't want to interfere with her relationship which is why after trying to wait them out for a few years, I went ahead and moved on ...

Reiterated that I didn't want to be in Detroit, especially since all my sibs are gone.  It makes me instantly uncomfortable, and I have my sights set on Nebraska, to be near my Army sister (especially if she can homestead another tour there) and my Best Sister in Chicago.

I could only remain in Detroit to be involved with you ...

But this was done in astraight away, passionless fashion.  Something kept me from being enthusiastic about being in her prescence ... the reality of actually doing an 'Ex- List' has lost its novelty.  Also, there are some adjustments that I am not sure she'd want to make to include me ... and there are some that just HAVE to be made for me ...

... and it goes beyond the level of thinking I want to do for right now. 

WHAT HE LEFT BEHIND HE HADN'T VALUED...

When I first came upon this 'Ex-list' idea, I was well aware of how bad an idea it was.  In fact, it is what kept me from letting Pecan Sandie 'win' whenever she would come to Detroit, invariably to try to take me down to Georgia.  That it is(dated an Ex) something that I hadn't done, meant to me, that maybe I should give it a go, in leaving no stone unturned.  Mookie and I had a good run, better go than when we were oh so much younger.  I have to admit to having hopes with the idea, because I have really liked as well as loved the women in my life.  And while it is more than just me 'doing me', I also have accounted for the differences in the 'Exes' too.

The is a certain something, kind of like the stuff they talk about in the 'E-harmony'-ish commercials, something that you KNOW when you see it.  I don't expect to see it on the redo, and there are things that are there with Tee Jay ...

... but it is going to take work.  And the thing is, failure is not the final outcome in this, but man, failing in the same thing ... eww ... WHY!!

I have had to look others in the eye, besides Sandie and tell them "uh, yeah, still in love ... not so much", and kept on going.  Which is why I know that I am strong enough to take the 'click' of the phone when I call and tell someone, "Remember me, your old boyfriend, Mark", or accept the sting of the palm of someone's hand against my cheek.

I still 'feel' her ... but I am doing my 'pinging' and what I am picking up, is very faint.  Is it a false echo?  I would be putting a lot more at risk, and I would be hard pressed to justify it.

She did say she wanted to see me again.  We hugged, no kisses despite it being available.  I can wait for anything more intimate ... I told her that I loved her, and that without her, I wasa sure bet for Nebraska.  That is intimate enough.

Anyway ... next issue ... MY AWESOME MIXTAPE ..!

Jude Law and a Semester Abroad

AND SHE'S GONE

My best niece is on her way home to Chicago.  I didn't think I would miss her as much as I do right now, but man, I feel like I am holding a red-hot coin in my palm.

That I am amazed at the sense of loss I am feeling, how much that I love children, is ironic.  These feelings and sensations are things I should already be familiar with.

I patiently explained to her how I would treat her as my daughter KT, who is normally with me during the summers.  My Best Niece is a good girl, obedient and sweet.  She came with her Mom's instructions, and she was a very good guest.

Didn't know how big the void in my life was until I kissed her good bye ...

... you know, I could use a set of steak knives ...

THERE WILL BE ...

... some catching up ... not for me, but for anyone who reads regularly!  I do keep a written journal, and things have been spinning around in my head ...

AKA has been 'designated for assignment' to the minor leagues.  Still a part of the organization, but she sits with Bull Durham and 'Nook' La Loosh.  Will she be a part of the September call ups?

HAS ANYONE ELSE SEEN ..?

The movie, 'The Illusionist'?  Is it just me, or is Edward Norton ignored when it comes to talking about great actors?  I almost went to see 'The Hulk' for him. 

The movie was very well acted and I wished that I could have watched it with someone ... ANYONE.  Just a good movie to share and to talk about afterwards.

NEW FEATURES

'Black' is a new color in my writing pallete, for miscaellany quotes and lyrics and other odds and ends that belong to other people.  From movies to other journals, I will 'paint it black' if I got the idea from somewhere else.

Beginning with today.

JUDE LAW AND A SEMSTER ABROAD

This is a way cool song by the punk band, The Brand New.  I only have the single, something I picked up in a cut out bin.  One day last year, I played it for THE FIRST TIME, and as soon as I heard it, I knew I had my first break up song since The Cars, 'Just What I Needed'.

The new emo punk really isn't like the punk I knew coming up ... Iggy Pop, The Ramones, Wire, and of course, the only band that matters, The Clash.  So I have no idea how I got this single.

In the basement of the town house we shared, I popped it in prolly during one of my sleepless nights (I sleep quite well now, thank you very much!).

Another journalist is going through the breakup scenario as well.  I thought it something that this I am feeling what I feel right now.  Truly, once I say that I am done with someone, I am.  Miss Mookie?  Could you tell me why I should?  Still, there is a mourning for the loss of time, for the strain of the effort.  The lyrics: "... so tell all the English boys you meet, about the American boy back in the States ..." captures a piece of me in them. 

I don't necessarily want to TELL her, but I do want her to SUFFER IT.  But she can't feel, so why bother.  Putting these emotions in a nice, pretty box, and setting it with the rest of the garbage to be taken out of my mind is how I cope with the stray emotions that comes with this latest break up.

Clever lyrics, and I feel the song so much.  It is good, to vent some, but not too much.  Don't want to get lost in wake of life passing by why you cling to the ship that is sinking ...

TEE JAY

That is going to be where my mind goes next ... enjoy the Rascals!

 

... it has been a looong time ..!

ME & MY BEST NIECE

She has been keeping me busy this week.  Having her here has really helped in plugging the hole in my heart by not being able to host KT.  She is a sweet and I just adore her.  I am going to miss her!

THIS & THAT

Haven't worked in awhile ... did I mention that AKA's Uncle is the Union vice-president ... AT LEAST?  Oh, haven't gotten to tell you that she got upset with me, not appreciating her use of the phrase, "I am going to let you do you", with me.

What does that mean, when someone tells you that?  I don't 'self-love', being in the 8% of males that don't.  So how I am to 'do' me?

I told her, you'll not get your 'street cred' from me, so if you think you know me ...

... then I got on a roll.

I told her that she makes my anxieties roil inside of me.  Can't really say 'why', because there are too many reasons.  I did mention that I feel that she is not honest with herself ...

And I do think that a person who isn't honest with themselves, isn't going to be honest with their emotions.  Never saying never, cause you know you just might, but she is on the outs.

This 'Ex-List' thing is complicated!

... no, I haven't ...

... seen or spoken to Tee Jay since our last conversation.  The thing about her calling me, is that she had to work hard to get my number, or was fortunate.  Even though we are all on a cell phone plan, my Pops keeps the house phone, which RARELY gets answered.

So that means she got lucky, or had to call and call to get a person.  Then it had to be someone who is reckless enough to have given out MY number ...

Don't rightly know what is going to happen ... I am sure that my heart will be out on my sleeve.  But I did tell her that I was looking to get it together, so that I can move to Nebraska ...

JUST A THOUGHT

Why is it perfectly acceptable for a female to give a compliment about how attractive another female is, but if a guy does it, then you question his identity?

There is a back to school commercial for Circuit City where the young sales clerk is staring longingly at the pop songstress, Rihanna.  He reverie is interuppted by a young teen, who acknowledges that Rihanna's "... pretty hot."

If I said how I think Blair Underwood is a 'stud' or that Billy Zane is good looking, people will think something stupid.  I mean, what ..?

Ooh ... guilty pleasure ... "Bad Girls" on Logo. If anyone remembers "Prisoner, Cell Block H" ... that would bring you up to speed on things with "Bad Girls".

Ooh ... I ran 12.5 miles on Sunday ... took me two hours to do it, which means I am at 'Katie Holmes' marathon pace.  See, I reason if she could run one, then I better be able to do it!  That is my goal to best her time in the New York City marathon.  Haven't gotten on a scale, but I still am losing weight and/or tightening up ... my waist is trimmer, and my hips are what is holding up my pants!

... y'all have the best day ..!

Accountablity Issue

JUST A REMINDER

I do really appreciate the comments left and the influence that they have had in my life.  You all have made quite an impression on me in your comments and in your own personal storise, that helps me to keep on pushing thru.

Gene Smithson, former coach of WSU (that's Wichita State Univ. for the great unwashed!) created one of the all time best sayings that I have used since I first heard it ... MTXE, whic stands for Mental Toughness eXtra Effort. Thinking that repeatedly in my head, helped keep me walking around downtown Motown to do what I need to do.

Also, another journalist, Betty over at Koda's Corgi Tales, who's pastor was on the cover of Time magazine this week (no, not trying to inject any religious dogma in here ... this isn't THAT journal), and she was kind enough to share him with me ... and the thing was, that when I saw him, my mind saw HER ...

... and I didn't want to let her down by being tired and not getting things done.  So I kept on, and I sit here with my mind clear, burdens a bit lighter.  Can look forward to having a good weekend ... I KNOW I will ..!

LAST NIGHT ...

Tee Jay called.  Two hour phone conversation.  Haven't finished processing it yet.  Will have something next week about it.  Trust you me!

DEMANDING OF MYSELF

The cat who carried the flag for the US delegation at the Olympics was once a 'lost boy of Sudan'.  From there he goes to becoming an Olympic athelete and college student.  So you see, it really is about what kind of faith you have.  "The greater the difficulty, the greater the glory surmounting it."  -Epicurus

As you acknowledge that there are holes and crevices in life from which light does not escape, and there are doors that once you cross the threshold, you must like the shade of Dante, and "... abandon hope, ye that enter", if you can surmise what point I am making, then more than likely you ARE NOT at either of those dark places. 

Where ever it is you are, that isn't one of those kinds of places on a true, real sense, it means if you aren't desiring the best of possible outcomes in your life because of something, you need to GET OVER IT.  If a cat can go from the circle of darkness that is Sudan, then why can't I expect to be an assistant teacher in Nebraska?

Go ahead, tell me why ... I am here waiting ...

BREAK DOWN

Though they are paired in the same 'divisions', there are differences between them, that I am noting to show that I haven't been dealing in cut outs of my self-delusion. 

Both Tee Jay and Mookie are urban girls ... but Tee Jay has quite an edge on 'competitive experience' when compared to Mookie Dee.  So should I run into an similiarly 'inexperienced' person, I can make the appropriate evaluation.

Pecan Sandie is a college grad, as is AKA.  But Pecan Sandie's issue, a mecurial temper, she was aware of before we met.  After she 'saw' my back story, she vowed to work on it ... and she did try, truth be told.  I should have stuck things out with her.  She was just before Tee Jay in my life, so as I got to Mookie, I felt that I had to endure a little before I called things over, you see?

AKA on the other hand ... what has me not really care for her family, isn't just that I think that they are mixed up, but because of HER.  Sitting over with her peeps, Mom and Dad, or the whole gang, the house is over crowded, with all the elephants, hippos, rhinocerese ( a way cool French electronica band!) are in the place too ...

Because they allow for this, I haven't made the investment necessary to find out anything about the zoo that is in the room with her.  She has observerd herself that I don't have any intentions of trying to 'save' her ... a novice swimmer should go after someone struggling in the water or they both may go down.  So, I don't feel AT ALL any remorse or guilt in regards to our relationship.  I stay up front with her and can't do no more than that.

FINALLY ...

Thanks again for the comments and the insights through your own journals.  I will pick up after I get enough loot to get me ... A LAPTOP!  Anywho, have the BEST WEEKEND EVER ..!

... on the Epiphany trail

... with a steady and determined focus towards a point ...

Recently, I posed that when Thomas Hearns lost his fight with sugar Ray Leonard, that it was a signal for me that I would be Nikolai Telsa in life ... which is something that I am actually cool with, provided that my 'Edison' is someone that enjoys working with me and has the appreciation for what we are doing together.

This is how I came up with my 'Audience of One' concept.  Alone, I care about what I think ... if I am on stage, I only care about what one person thinks ...

Anywho, I picked up the College Football issue of Sports Illustrated, with THE Ohio State Buckeyes on the cover ... the regional covers make sense from a business standpoint, but doesn't it diminish the impact of being on the cover?  I mean, it says that only the people in your neighborhood cares about whatever it is you are doing.

Haven't read too much of it, but two stories, a short profile on Laryn Williams, a sprinter for the US was very good, and it spoke of a documentary that ran on PBS about Clay/Ali leading up to his first fight with Sonny Liston.

The sprinter was asked about her community service, of which I am thinking she does her fair share of.  She said that essentially it was an easy choice for her, as when she was coming up, and needed money to travel to compete, someone was always coming thru for her.

I thought about that, and wondered if there was anyone like that in my life?  Simple answer is yes.  Problem is, the 'help' didn't come as I envisioned it ... but it came.  Just as 'mysterious' as the ways may have been, the help wwould have been more effective if I had done more on my end.

That is why I don't carry too many regrets.  You have to work WITH the Angels (well, can't come up with another device to express what I feel) in your life that are there to HELP YOU.  If you don, well ...

Being focused on Nebraska (the place) means a long term commitment.  Stuff will happen that will grow to be distractions.  So I remind myself that I didn't start my clock until May of this year and that I gave myself 18 - 24 months to make it happen ...

... also, if Nebraska (the person) wasn't going to be around for at least 6 months after I am in country, that would be a serious detriment to that plan.  I say '6 months', because she has her own non-Mark plans, and if I don't get out there when it is convenient to her schedule ...

SECOND PLACE ...

... is the first loser.  Tunnel vision is how I am viewing things right now, because trying to juggle this and that (as if this and that were related) will end up making things more complicated that it has to be.

Reading about Ali made me think of a story I read about him in high school.  Seems he wanted to do an important English paper on the Muslim faith ... and in Louisville in the early 50's, this was not well received.  Word got up to the principal of the high school, who was a strict academic, but had a weakness for Clay. 

He called a faulty meeting, and essentially said that the teacher was going to take and grade his paper ... and that if anyone didn't like it, he wwould sign his diploma and say he had educated Ali himself!

Also, he told the staff that if anyone thought that this young man, who wwould one day earn in one night more than all of us put together make in a year, wwould reach that height with it being said that he was the principal of the high school that didn't graduate him ... they were crazy!

... angels ... you never know where and who they are ... but if you are really staying true to yourself, they are there to help you along!

... which is what happens.  It happened to me today, on aday I did not want to go out, did not think I could get anything accomplished, yet here I sit, ready to ride home, with the heavy lifting done ...

... cool beans!

SUMMERLAND

WISH EVERYTHING WAS EVERCLEAR

... the thought came to me to call this post "Summerland" reading about the travels in Nutwood Junction.  It happens to be a way cool song by Everclear, off their "Sparkle and Fade" release.  And that cd always makes me think of Pecan Sandie.

We used to ride out, listening to that cd, talking about riding out I-40 from start to finish.  We also used to talk about doing Route 66, just because.  Wanted to walk with her in the Grand Canyon.  The more we would talk, the more things she wanted to share with me, and that actually made me nervous.  The only time people had acted like she did with me, just off the rip accepting me without making the odd, rude comment, was to set me up and pull the rug from under me, sorta like "Carrie" at the prom.

AKA sometimes tries to get into me as well.  She will come up with ideas and activities that she knows I have an interest in, and she will want to do them with me.  She also has mapped some of my general habits, such as getting up early almost each and every day.  She  called me Saturday at 7 a.m., knowing that if I wasn't ready for the day, at the very least, I would be fully awake.  She asked if I would accompany her to show a property to a man, and she felt uncomfortable going alone (the 'yes' was out before I thought to ask who went with her before I came back to Detroit).

It was a nice house in the University District around Detroit Mercy.  The cat brought his preggers wife (like AKA didn't know he was looking for a place for his family), the I went with her to run a couple of her errands.

There was some big garage sale running down US12, and she is well aware (as was Pecan Sandie) of my weakness for them and resale shops.  She asked what I was doing, if I had any plans.  I told her that I didn't, but nothing was in mind that made me want to leave the house.  So she took me home, and I haven't heard from her yet this week.

Pecan Sandie used to do the same thing.  Catch me up early in the morening on a weekend, and figure a way into my day.  Once she was in, she wouldn't let go, even going home for a 'splash shower' and racing back across the small town we were in North Carolina, so she could hang with me for the duration of the day.

KT & LEXXIE

Less than a year apart.  Nixxie and I tried to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but it didn't take.  We still 'bumped uglies' for a bit before that got old, but not before I had knocked her up.

As we went our seperate ways before she found out, I was out in the world single.  I ran into Sandie at the mall I was working at.  Saw her out in a food court and talked her into lunch with me.  We'd make arrangement for a more offical date later that evening.

After a month of our dating, Nixxie came back around, and brought us both up to speed with her situation.  When Nixxie left, I turned to Sandie and let her know why I was going back and forth to Detroit as often as I did, and that I was set to go again soon...

I talked to AKA on a dare of sorts.  The soiree that I met her at, with all the semi-snobby class of moderately successful college graduates, brought something not cool out in me. I told my BFF that I was going to pick up one of the 'think they are, but they're not' girls.   AKA was a queen bee of that hive, but I didn't know or care.  I was being a rake ... other girls would call it 'being an a-hole', but whatever.  I did what I can do.

In both women I sense ways to exploit their emotions, their hearts.  Not just because I WAS an a-hole, but because they put up such flimsy (to me) facades.  It seemed to me, if you were serious about protecting yourself, you would have come up something a little better than the Manginot Line as defensive fortifications.

Anywho, single mothers aren't the only ones demonized by the single mother phenomenon.  The cats that take part, while not anywhere near as intense, are marked just as permanent.  I have always tried not to duck and dodge when I was faced with a budding relationship, I have always left an open door for someone to go back out of with no remorse or questions.  See, I do want to be a part of my girl's lives, and they would have to come on board with that.

Nixxie knew what she was getting into.  And now, so did Pecan Sandie, who wanted to go with me on my next trip to see Skye in Detroit!

As I started to get to know AKA, I sent out feelers before I told her about the now 'trio' I had become a part of.  I would not have taken offense if she dropped me like a hot potato, but what she did, confused me.  She let on that she could never marry someone who had children, as she surmised that the children's needs would always mean more, or should mean more to the guy.  She was too jealous of that emotion for that.

Fine.  But she kept in contact with me, without saying anything about my situation or how it affected our relationship.  Me, I took her at what she said ... those are words you don't have to say twice to be understood.

OLYMPIC BOXING

I just haven't been as enthralled by the Olympics as I was when I was younger.  I lost contact with them back in '88 and I don't really bother with them, summer or winter.

Did happen to watch some of the boxing the other day, and came away non too impressed.  Amateur boxing in the US is as different as American basketball is to the rest of the world.  One of the largest difference comes with the world sending MEN to fight BOYS.  I remember going to South America to get it handed to me by a Cuban ... who looked like he could have been my FATHER (so NOT an overstatement).

As with gymnastics, the subjective scoring of boxing has made for much contreversey.  It has switched to a system of computerized scoring, where the 5 judges sit with red and blue buttons, and 3 judges have to press within a second of each other for a punch to register as a 'point'.

What a load of crap.  A lot of body punches don't get counted.  And what if one judge decides he just isn't going to press the blue button tonight?  Or if his dominant finger isn't set up for the cat who is winning the bout?

Even Micheal Phelps is annoying.  Not even watching the Games, he is all I hear about.  How many thousand of atheletes are there?  There aren't any more compelling stories?  The men's gymnasts getting the bronze after losing the top two competitors should have be worthy of more press ...

... but that's me.

Baseball note ... the Tigers threw Gary Sheffield under the bus ... would have helped to get the manager, Jim Leyland who is a Sheffield backer a heads up at the very least.  Judging by the interview he gave when asked about Sheff being on waivers (baseball is complicated ... this was a ploy to see if he has trade value), his reaction said that he wasn't in on that meeting ... a few bleeps and a storm off the camera sorta left that impression ...

... lastly, Raven over at "Raven's Lament" is in need of support.  Give her some, won't you?

When DID you know ..?

...SINCE I AM A MEMBER OF THAT CLUB ...

...I will compare it to the death of a close friend, watching Thomas Hearns lose that fight.  The bout lived up to all of its hype, with great shifts of momentum, punctuated by a role reversal, with the slugger, Tommy becoming a boxer and Ray Leonard assuming the role of the stalking slugger.

I think at the end of the 12th round (the fought for 15 in those days), Tommy stood up between rounds leading the cheers of the Detroit folks who went all that way out to Vegas to watch 'their boy' win ... meanwhile, in Sugar Ray's corner, with his left eye nearly closed shut (and it would be the same eye he would have operated on for a detached retina), Angelo Dundee was telling him, "You're blowin' it, son!"  And he got off his stool for the start of the 13th round ...

... in which he would hurt and knock Tommy through the ropes for a knockdown.  The round would end with Hearns walking unsteadily to his corner, my eyes wide with disbelief.  Contrast to his all-American image, Sugar Ray was as ruthless as anyone when he had a fighter hurt, and though Tommy had evaded him earlier in the fight when hurt, he would not do so again and was stopped in the 14th round.

The only time I would cry more, it would be for my beloved Mother.  Since that wasn't for another almost 3 decades, I had never cried so much in all my days, for ANYTHING.  I would try to go to school, but couldn't finish the day and Mom came and got me.  Didn't even THINK about going to school that Friday, and could barely do my paper route that weekend (the sibs filled in for me Thurs. & Fri.).  For me, it wasn't just my guy losing ... he is the only person I would admit to being a 'hero' to me, but when he lost, a part of me realized that I would never get to be with the 'in' crowds, not in high school, not in life.  Would never be able to hang out with the 'Alpha Boys' or be able to date the 'Mica Girls' ... I would be 'Avis' for the rest of my life ... always trying harder.

Since that was going to be my lot, I resolved to then, ALWAYS TRY HARDER.  Scrooge McDuck has it right, work smarter, not harder ... but it never ever hurts to try ...

PATH FOR LIFE

... interesting, because in a journal, it was asked what is it that the readers were scared of as a child ... I used to be afraid of the dark, but my Mom locked me in a closet and fixed that.  One movie creeped me out, so much so, that I won't risk saying its name, for fear it get repeated IN MY HEAD three time in front of a mirror.

Honestly, I would have to say that I fear giving up before my success is my biggest fear.  I don't know if anything that I am going to do with myself is the right thing or not ... but it is the thought of doing nothing, being resigned to accept life on its terms and not trying to dictate to it what I want, that is my biggest fear.

Haven't mentioned going to Chicago to essentially see Nebraska ... I remember the dialogue I had with myself about that trip.  What would happen if she didn't show?  Or if she did, what if she would get tired and annoyed with me (after all, Mookie was, only she didn't say it) and leave me somewhere in a untenable situation?

Oh, did I mention that I was taking the bus?  Though you don't hear of too much trouble, it is there, trust you me!

The more that I thought about the things that should have made me quake with fear, the more I wanted to do it!  Remembering how confident (some would say arrogant ... eh, six of one, half dozen of the other ...) I have felt in some many other situations, I only felt more and more anticipation ...

... because I was determined to make a new life and go into a new direction.  I only wanted a chance to meet her, and that is what I got ...

SEE, THE WAY I FIGURE

Came close to getting 'there' several times now.  So this means that with the information I have on how NOT to get there, I should be able to make it through one of these times.

Hopefully I will find someone who can share what they have from their experience, and we can put things together and enjoy each other on the way.  I am sure that part of my appeal to both AKA and Pecan Sandie is that I have the 'been there, done that' component to me, but also the willingness to do it again with you so it would be a new experience that WE could have.

And that is where I will pick up on them ...

OOH ... BEFORE I FORGET ...

You will NEVER guess who called me last night ..!  NEBRASKA !!!

No, not going to do it, read too much into it that is.  That it was heartfelt was more than enough.  But my heart doesn't read ..!

The Hearns - Leonard saga

DAILY SPINNINGS

Things are hectic around my Dad's which limits my personal involvement with the goings on in the house.  I contribute where I can, without being asked, and provide a certain kind of stability.  But I don't get into too much that goes on, because it is chaotic and that just isn't worth my while.

I am going to enjoy the autonmy that letting others be in charge of their charges provides me.

Detroit is in a weird state right now ... there seems to be some sort of gentrification going on that didn't take.  They built these fancy townhomes between Highland Park and the New Center area, but no one came.  Same deal east of the Eastern Market near Hamtramack ... and then there is Mayor Kilpatrick ... geez.

Perhaps a real rain will come and wash all the scum and the filth off the sidewalks, and out of public office here ...

SEPTEMBER 16, 1981

It was a Wenesday and school couldn't end soon enough.  Everyone knew how big a fan of Tommy Hearns I was, and I used to call into a sports show on WXYZ to talk about boxing ... I was stoked for the fight!

Back then, before pay-per-view, watching mega fights meant you had to go to either a hall, movie theater or arena, that would get crummy reception, smelled like beery old men, cigarette smoke and greasy body odor.  None of the wife/girlfriend fetching you beer and food catered by Domino's ... no, you had to EARN your entertainment back then!

Made for an experience.  My paper station manager took me to Calihan Hall on the campus of Detroit Mercy on McNichols, where they had the closed circuit set up.  Man, I was sooo excited!  The undercards were mainly forgettable, the only cat I remember is Tony Ayala Jr., who was a post-Givens Tyson kind of fighter ... then came the main event ..!

THIS WEEK

I have given myself some time away from the draw down that is going over some of the relationships that outline my personal life.  Also tried to cut into my running, since I have been riding my bike cross several counties, it feels!  Last weekend alone I put in close to 150 miles in three days ... my legs felt a little sapped.

But each time I would try to skip a scheduled run, I would see one of the New Balance commercial, talking about the love/hate relationship you have with running ... they nail it with that campaign!

I am in a pair of Saucony's right now, and they have done pretty well.  But I am saving up, and will get a back to my grey New Balances ..!  Still, giving the Saucony an 'A', for a mid priced ($90.00) shoe ...

Another reason that I am going away from the review, is simply this.  I made some mistakes and have paid and still pay for them.  Each time I think about one of these four girls, the wound reopens, ever so slightly.  And it hurts as if it was brand new, happening before my eyes again.

But I don't miss Mookie at all.  And Tee Jay, who should know I am in town (saw a relative of hers earlier this week when I was running) is what she is to me ... don't know what I am to her, and not really in a rush to find out.

Anyway, enjoy the weekend ..!  I know I will do my best too!

Enjoy Cowboy Junkies!

... and now, for something completely different ...

GLAMAZONS ...

... I luv 'em ... in case somehow that detail has slipped by you.  Watched an episode of the 'Wendy Williams' talk show and let me tell you ... that lady with her unbe-weaveable hair looked FIERCE!  The show was super uneven, and has a ways to go before I think about watching it (I love 'Ellen' but hardly ever watch her) on purpose, but THAT IS what I am talkin' about ..!

Then again, I have talked about so much stuff, maybe it isn't anymore.

WHY ..?

... would you EVER accept an invitation to go on the 'Maury' show?  Are you that low on the self-respect meter that embarassing yourself in front or ERRYBAHDY is preferrable to actually doing something CONSTRUCTIVE with your life?

But I do like the 'Judge' shows ..!

Final TV plug for the day ...

"Secret Life of an American Teenager", is simply a WONDERFUL show!  It combines elements of my favourite teen shows, "James at 16", "Square Pegs", and "My So-Called Life" with a dash of "Friday Night Lights" to keep things in place.  Where did they find such good young actors to play and convincingly pull of the characters?  Added bonus, the show features MY teenage crush, Molly Ringwald (hey, DON'T YOU judge me ..! j/k!) as one of the conflicted parents.

TV doesn't get better than this.  I watched it with my Best Niece, a marathon that lead up to the season debut.  She has done an admirable job filling in for KT this summer ... but this weekend is KT's birthday, and it is the first in six she hasn't spent it with me ...

... this is going to be a long year ...

AND I WILL GET BACK TO IT ...

... this 'review' thing.  But I want to take a break from that stuff, and think about something else entirely, going back to the teenage years of raging hormones, designer jeans, and budding insecurity.  The moment that set the course for my life, was the Thomas Hearns - Sugar Ray Leonard fight!

As the fight in Zaire between Ali and Foreman is known as 'The Rumble In The Jungle' and the conclusion to Ali's operatic trilogy with Frazier is known as 'The Thrilla In Manila', the Hearns - Lenoard bout was simply known as 'The Showdown' (simplicity was the rule with Tommy Hearns big fights ... his brawl with Marvin Hagler was called 'The Fight' and that is what it was!).  Rarely do you have two opponents seen as having the same stature and status when compared to one another.  The Steeler - Cowboys Super Bowls back in the 70's - 80's ... Magic - Bird in their NCAA title game match up ... but in boxing, there seems to be a missing element in the mix.  Holyfield - Tyson happened after Tyson was 'found out' and the Hopkins - De La Hoya match was one that had weight issues ... Mayweather - Hatton, Margaritio - Cotto?  How hard core of a boxing fan are you to really even care?

Even the Frazier-Ali fight in Madison Square Garden came after Ali had clearly lost a little from his forced retirement ...

... but nothing like that was a part of the Hearns - Leonard fight.  They were both the two very best at what they did, both reaching their apex at the same time.  And the outcome of the fight affected my life.

BEFORE I GO

... a word about Nebraska (the person).  She has serious doubts about whether or not we could ever be a couple ... no, that is doing her a disservice, as she has said that it isn't feasible.  Which is cool ... and that is for real.  After all, the reason that I want to go out there is that is where I THINK I am supposed to be, unless something totally unforseen happens ... something GOOD not bad. 

But I do wonder if some of her questions won't be answered once a Ryder truck pulls up in Kearney (that's a random city ... pour example only), with Michigan plates, you know?

I have a feeling that some of the things she doesn't know about, are some of the things I DON'T know either, and the only way is to find out together.

Anywho, remember to watch "Secret Life of an American Teenager", on ABC Family on Monday nights at 8 ... which mean it has to be good to break me from my CBS comedy night!

Enjoy Underworld!

Making Excuses

LONDON ...

... is a cool song by the Smiths.   Seems to me to be a song of someone leaving home, finding their life.  The line " ... did you see jealousy in the eyes of the ones you left behind", is appropriate for what I found when I came back to Detroit in the late '90's.  Most of it was coming from Jan, and her venom had infected my sibs, and to some extent, my Mom as well.  The whole circumstance is difficult to describe, as thinking about it is very unpleasant and I don't want to anaylze it, as everyone has moved past it.

My sister Jan, is a 'hater'.  Bitter about her failings too.  This is a little foreshadow.

ON THE PAINTED DESERT

A beautiful song by Boom Boom Satellites.  That is the song for Tee Jay, who was the best person ever in my life.  From our unlikely first meeting, up until the very last day, she was the brightest star in my sky.

When we first met, working for a local car wash chain, I was in a 'happy place.'  Nowadays, people throw 'I'm a do me', around, not realizing what it really means.  In the late 90's, I wanted to plot the 'mid' of my life, in order to avoid the 'crisis'.  So I wasn't out actively 'pinging' for company or anything.  Then one day, a location was down personell, and I volunteered to go and fill in.  And that is when I saw HER.

She was there when I clocked in.  It was one of those kinds of meeting that seem to stretch for hours, event if it lasted only minutes.  From the superficial judgement of seeing her as 'ghetto fabulous', to walking to my post with my heart beating like hummingbird's wings, took all of maybe two minutes.

Outside, I was asking myself, "Is she REALLY the one?"  I asked a few of the cats I was working with about her, and they smiled as they answered my questions.  A lot of people was attracted to her, and I would discover why.

One cat offered to 'hook me up', but I waved him away, as I fly my missions unassisted.  Because I had planned on going out on a date with myself (I date me, when there is no one else to do it for me!), I put it out to her that she could come to, that is, if she was interested in going out on a nice evening and then coming home with her hair not mussed!  She said she was, and so began the best relationship I have ever been a part of.

There were bumps and some bruises.  Pecan Sandie wasn't keen about her at all, and she had some stray alley cat that didn't want to take the hint.  But every time we had a challenge, we grew stronger together, which is what made the ending even more peculiar.

I called this entry, "Making Excuses", because like I had proven to her, Tee Jay had shown to be THE go-to person in my life.  At the time, we had hit a bump in the road, something that was pretty small.  It blew up into something and then before we could get it resolved ...

... my Mother passed.

Tee Jay would later say that I was going thru some things, dealing with my snake of a sister Jan.  She also knew how close I was with my Mother, and that it had an effect on me, prolly making me do things that I wouldn't normally do.  But she was being kind in saying that.  What ever brought out my 'inner a-hole', got me to instead of turning to her for support, to moving away from her.

After I got my head out of my butt, she was gone, in a relationship with a decent enough cat.  She seemed happy, and I wanted that for her more than I wanted her for myself.  Did I try to get her back?  What I called 'getting her back', is barely worth mentioning.  I really believe in giving people their space, and I did think that I had lost a sure thing ...

I didn't think that I would get another shot at anyone quite as special as Tee Jay.  There have been enough sleepless nights spent looking into the dark trying to see what it was that I did wrong with her.  I keep coming back to when I needed someone to be there for me, she was there, and I chose not to let her be there ...

... anyway, I knew that I could hang with a girl from the block, and I almost got one to marry me.  That Mookie was too 'upstate' and we were too different doesn't wash.  Tee Jay is as 'Detroit' as it gets, and she was right there for me.  Mookie hasn't grown and isn't as evolved. 

Besides, not all college girls are the same ... evidenced by Pecan Sandie and AKA.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

... and One to Grow On ...

Now, thinking about this group of women in my life has actually been an exercise to show the breadth of my experience with women.  Then I thought, 'But Mark, you KNOW you have been with different kinds of people ... you don't have to doubt what it is you know!!'.

And that is true.  I don't.  But I do think I should gloss over a few things ...

Mookie has been judged as a hypocrite.  She is also a memeber of the 'Single Mother's Club', that group of super confused, yearing women who are totally incapable of managing any kind of relationship, as they overvalue themselves and can't recognize where their own shortcomings and contribution to their own unhappiness lie.

She was a more mature woman when she was a teenager.

The biggest things that stand out; She did tell me that she wanted something different from the jerks she had dealt with in the past ... but I guess she really didn't want that.  She made a choice not to deal with lil' Mook's father and I feel she resented the arrangements that had been made with me and mine (remember, at the start of 'Mookie-time, Skye and I were pretty cool) ... maybe some resentment ..? 

Anyway, that is another discussion that prolly will NEVER happen.  Why?  Because I don't care.  When I call you a 'hypocrite' and can say with my lips that 'I don't care' ...  ooh, those are among the 'Deathless words and phrases' meant to let you know that there are no more nerves left to stand on, there are no more chances left.  She has exhausted whatever reserves I had left.

Yeah, she is a hypocrite, as she is going to put upon someone, what she can't bring herself around to deal with.  That crap about 'marriage not being important to her as it is to me'?  Were she a guy and said that, I would have beat her to a fair-thee-well.  That was A LIE.  Our entire relationship was predicated on ending in marriage, otherwise I WOULD HAVE LEFT HER ALONE ...

... talk about having no tears for someone.  I better had learned from that experience, otherwise it was ... well, nevermind.

She said she wanted something different ... but she didn't, not like the lady I have paired her with, Tee Jay.

THE BEST ANSWER, EVER

I am as insecure as anyone else, I reckon.  I know what they are, which is why when someone likes my darling brother, I figure that they are good to go for me to.  I mean, a swishy gay cat in the homophobic urban jungle of Detroit?  Between me and my Army sister, there were plenty of picked up gauntlets thrown at his feet.  Not that we had to fight alot, but the few that we did, we sent a message with them.

Now I have my 'ways', and they are just me.  Anything that says 'big city' about me, is mere affectation, a residual from being born and raised in one.  I like the medium to small places, out of the way and unaffected by pretense.  So when I think about Carolina it is with wistfulness.  Georgia tries to be a little 'uppity', at least that is what I feel about the Atl.  But I could hang.

Back to the thought at hand.  So as Tee Jay and I got to know one another, we pick at the contrasts between us.  Finally, I flat out asked her why she let me take her out, go out with a cat of my type ...

... and her answer was, " I had been telling myself that I wanted something different, and I knew you were different."

No one ever had before, and no one has since, gave me such an answer to that question ...

... the right one.