THE THINGS THAT SHE SAID AND SHE SAID ...

OKAY, OKAY

I think too much.  I will get rid of the ring.  If I gave it to a daughter, it means I would be on the hook for two more.  No more hidden meanings or deeper truths.

JOB SEARCH

Interview Wenesday morning.  Hopefully working sometime next week!  I wonder if I will really be able to balance those big tray again ..!  Will be fun trying to find out!

KNOWING YOUR BABARIANS

That is what I call it when you are looking inside of yourself and picking out what it is that is YOUR PROBLEM.  Some are deep and you may need help in getting to know them.  But for the most of us, it takes a moment of being honest with ourselves, then walking outside with the 'new you' that you have gotten to know.

Being Mark for over 40 years, I have a strong ideal of some of the things that make me the mess that I am.  Most of what has gone on, particularly the 'unhoped for' stuff, was my fault.  Some of it, it seems to me, was beyond my control.

Such as how I am seen.

Stopped caring about what people outside of my audience thought about me a long time ago.  Being human is why what other folks think about me matter, but I shake myself and keep going on.  To put things bluntly, I stopped getting my undies in a bunch about being called 'a sissy' quite a long time ago, back in my childhood.  So awkwardly stumbling through adolescence and young adulthood, it was others who had a problem me being who I am.

The Fly Skimmie was one of those people, but I thought she had out grew that.  I know what folks thought of me, but I KNEW who I was, so it didn't bother me, as long as you were outside of the cicle of who mattered to me.  If you mattered to me, and I let you get close enough to me, then you should know.  That you didn't, wasn't a reflection on me, but of you.  You weren't that important to me.

But for the Skimmie, I went through the normal agaonies pretty and popular girls drag their 'male friends' thru.  She would have made a great 'fag hag', which I have never told her.  There enough reasons for her to still be single, and if I thought she could handle it, Iwould have told her then, why she was looking across the table and still considering me for a partner.

I didn't.  When I asked if she wanted to have a meaningful relationship with me, she asked if I had ever had a homosexual experience.  At first, I thought she may have been referencing something she saw in a movie or confusing me with her moments of 'sexual exploration' in college.

Laughing it off, I kept on with the conversation.  A few moments later, she came back to that question, and was more serious.  I looked at her, and asked her why would she ask that of me?  She mentioned my friendship with Hutch and that I went with my brother to some of the clubs in Palmer Park - 6 mile and Woodward area.

Life doesn't just flash by your eyes at the moment of expirations.  Sometimes you get that flash in moments when it all hits you.  Her questioning my sexuality was that moment.  She knew that I had issues with that from high school, because I couldn't pay a girl to go out with me, in fact, she was one of those girls!

She told me that she and her Mother thought that my boxing and going off to the Army was an attempt to cover who I really was and --

WHO I REALLY WAS?!? What the --

All those times I hung around her, going to Fairlane (back when it was still nice) and helping her and her Mom set the house for parties.  Helping pick out clothes and crap, telling her which outfit to wear ...

... okay, maybe it did seem a little 'peculiar'.  But she always seemed to have some cat around her, so why would I bother her?  When I say I have never had to deal with competing with another guy for a girl, I haven't.  She would go out with her boyfriends, and I would not mind, because I figured that I would get my chance ...

... more later ...

THIS AMERICAN LIFE

... ALL I SEE ARE TYPOS ...

... and repeated lines of thought (didn't he write about this stuff on Tuesday ..?) when I read over this thing.  So I am always super flattered that someone would mention this journal where others may read it.  My thanks go out to Ken a.k.a "Bucko" who mentioned me in his stint as guest editor.

Also, I want to give a shout to Lisa41076, who went to Alaska and sent me a postcard.  That was super cool of her, and makes me want to go out that way all the more!

TODAY'S SHOW

I will have to try to listen to it again later this week.  The first story really touched me, about two guys who had fell into homelessness.  The one guy, had a successful sort of life, fell into struggle, lost his job, wife and home.  His friend, who had come back into his life prior to his descent, was there when the eviction came.

They were homeless together, with the friend having been homeless before, 'knew the ropes'.  The talked about the different stages of being homeless, and how they were able to manage to make their way fine.  The two of them once had dreams of being writers, and one with a laptop computer, the other going to a library, they began to write poetry and perform in spoken word around NYC. 

It wasn't long before they developed a following, and they began to dream about maybe making a bigger splash of what the were doing.  Of course, it was not to be, but what got me was that after all that, that they were glad for the life that the were living, had lived.  They wouldn't want to go back to 'the world', and that they were fine with where they were, with the hope and aspirations still a part of their make up, though it was much humbler than most people would have thought.

I heard a lot of myself in that story.  My 'modest' goals are modest by whose standards?  I know how challenging that my life is and prolly will be.  I have 'flashes' of realization, that maybe what I am wanting is out of reach.  Then, it is also best that your reach exceeds your grasp, so that you can make the effort.

When I said that Skye and me had similiar decisions to make at nearly similiar ages, I meant just that.  I think I was 12 when I made what was a conscious decision to make my Dad a part of my life.  I would walk from 48219 to 48227 and visit with my steps and their Mom.  We grew to have a relationship, for better or worse.  I remember seeing him at one of my biggest wins as an amateur, and I remember him totin' my Mom down to see me graduate basic training.  Not to mention a 'didi-mow' from the flat me and my first wife lived in after an arguement ... and he wordlessly took me back, though I am sure he wanted to say I was doing the best thing by leaving (no, it was just me, her, and BJ at the time) and staying gone.

It may well be that she'll come around.  My Best Sister spoke to me about it yesterday.  She told me to just make it a point of letting her know that my door is always open to her.  Whatever it is that she has to deal with, let her, and in time she will come around.  First, I agreed, as she IS a girl and is dealing with this from a girls point of view.  Second, I had to step back and look at her ... my little sister with such good, thoughtful advice!  Since everyone sync's us together, I was glad to have been a good enough role model for her!

...THE RING

... good movie.  The Japenese version a tad bit more frightening, but if reading ain't your thing, you prolly won't think so.

Now, what should I do with it?  Though I could use some money, I don't NEED the money.  Whatever I got for it wouldn't make or break me.  But the further I move away from being with Mookie, the less of a reason I have to keep it.  There was a thought to give it to one of my girls, but that seems sorta crappy a thought.  What made the ring special to me, is that it was for A PERSON, not some person.  They will need to experience the gift of a ring that is special for them.

Part of what make sense 'keeping it', is that I think that some of my desire for a loving relationship will go with it.  I have kind of felt a chill with women and what they expect out of their lives, and it ain't such a good thing, this 'I don't need somebody', response I get.

No one NEEDS someone to SHARE.  You have to WANT to do it.  I am sort of wondering if I am going to want to ...

... anyway, I wouldn't mind having it appraised at a pawnshop ... wonder how much they think it is worth?

I WANNA BE ADORED

Cool song by the Stone Roses.  I remember how Tee Jay found herself really liking that song.  The Stone Roses were cool.

Another tune that I can't get out of my head right now, is 'That's Entertainment' by The Jam.  Paul Weller's voice does most of the heavy lifting in that song.  Very cool song.

Uh, no reason for any of that ... just thoughts in my head and they wanted to get out ...

... and I look for work while I am here too ..!

HOW FAR BACK WERE THEY ..?

The Kansas City Royals have won 10 of their last 11 games, JUST TO GET A HALF GAME OUT OF LAST PLACE.  This made me wonder, how far back WERE they before this hot streak?  I am only a casual observer of baseball, giving it only a scant more attention than tennis, golf and the other 'minor' sports.  But a streak like that should have gotten them further away from last place and closer to the rest of the field.

How long have the Royals been this bad? I can still see George Brett charging out of the dugout, to argue the 'pine tar' call on his home run; who was the sideways pitcher who saved all those games back in the 80's?  Anyway, I prolly need to 'bone up' on my new home teams.  Looking forward to an 'Arrowhead Sunday' and 'Memorial Stadium Saturday'.  My heart skips a beat thinking about what lies in the haze of my horizons!

My immediate future, eh well ... not so much.  I'd rather not have to 'shut down' selected departments of my active mind, mainly because I don't want to forget to turn them back on!  But that is part of the reason I HAVEN'T (typo from yesterday) spoken about the kids, though we get along pretty okay ... I have to make sure I am doing for me first, and hopefully get to a place where I can eliminate some of the paradoxes in my life.

WHY PONDER LIFE'S COMPLEXITIES?

Getting all heated over the Dallas Cowboys Adam Jones made me wonder what is up with ME.  After that rant, I had to stop and ask myself what was really going on.  That wasn't me, I felt, saying those things about someone, who dewspite his various indescretions, could still lay claim to a higher moral ground than  me and my various issues.

In the movie 'Courage Under Fire', Meg Ryan who plays the officer leading her troops in an evac(?), has tears coming from her eyes, but she reminds Lou Diamond Phillips that they were more from the stress of the situation, not from an emotional breakdown (she didn't say all that, but it was implied!) and that it wasn't going to keep her from completing her mission.

That is what I think I am feeling.  Stuff is happening, things AREN'T happening, yet the goal remains the same.  It kind of bothers me that Mookie hasn't called and that the time I spoke to lil' Mook, her voice sounded vacant.  Maybe time will fix that, and we will develop something.

Not to press 'time', but I am counting on 'time' along with effort to work on Skye.  I let her Mother know that I put in a bid for the State Fair (ooh ... ELEPHANT EARS!) and our birthday's (me and Skye's mom's are 2 days apart), making sure that she knows her significant other is welcome too. 

I hoping me and Skye gets this together.  There are enough similiarities in our situation, for me to accurately say that this is nexus of sorts.  At nearly the same age, we have to make identical decisions.  There are enough details different to get lost in, but the thing is, we both had to choose to either let our Father in or leave him out.

So we will see what she does.

I am not sure how Nebraska (the person) feels about me.  I haven't written her any long, breathy, odes to undying affection in a letter, or talked with her via the phone.  I am trying to stay out of her way, in anticipation of becoming one of her good friends, sans 'benefits'.  Not that there is anything wrong with those kinds of arrangements, but why should I bother with that complication?  I think I could be more effective a friend by 'keeping my feet' and letting what could be a good and true friendship develop between us.

Being patient can be trying at times ... let a 8 year old see you put ice cream in the freeze for 'after dinner'.   What is actually a relative calm, can at times grow unnerving, after facing what was a personal trauma for me.  If I knew I would be where I am right now, when I started this journey, I would have taken it with much glee.  I would have jumped all over what is my 'Now'.

Life isn't easy, but it isn't hard.

... IN CLOSING

There have been a lot of great comments left in my journal, and I would like to thank EVERY SINGLE PERSON who reads, and I am thankful for the comments left.

I used to try to address some of the comments, but that was before people REALLY started to leave them! (we keed, we keed!).  But really, there have been more than a few comments that have really benefitted me, and I am glad for them, as that is what THIS particular journal is about ... helping you to help me, somehow helping you.

What the Fly Skimmie said that damaged our relationship?  Since she has emailed me some jokes this week, I guess we are going to hang too.  But what she said was that bad, as close to exile as you can get, and given what my First Wife had said about Tommy Hearns, the Skimmie should have gotten the boot.

That it has made me feel 'less' about her, means that it is a future entry unto itself.  Anyway, the best to everyone, and remember this ...

THIS BEAT IS TECHNOTRONIC!

... and like everybody else ...

THE STRANGEST THING ...

The other day, I was reading journals, when a journal I read to made and "observartion" regarding the Adam (Pac Man) Jones incident with Don Imus.  My knee jerk reaction was that Adam Jones has ran across the law and good judgement too many times to lay claim to being a sympathetic figure ...

Now, I had made a good case, but afterwards I had some time to think about it.  First, Adam (since he DOESN'T want to be called 'Pac Man' any more) Jones is trying to do better, now that he knows better.  And there isn't a time limit on redemption, and that is something that I am counting on myself.

I felt like a hypocrite, lashing out at Adam Jones' plight with Don Imus.  Though objectively, I do feel we are selctively sensitive about issues and this isn't in the same league as his comments about the Rutgers' girls, I had to think about my problem ... it won't matter to Adam Jones, might matter to the journalist where I made my comment, but it HAS to matter to me.

POVERTY ... NOT JUST MISSING BREAKFAST ANYMORE

I have spoken too much about living with my Dad, and the nephews and their sister too much, because the home life is a different kind of drain on me.  Not that hangin' with the Mook's wasn't taxing, just a different kind of an effect on me.  With the Mook's, I was central and a part of the machinery (or so I thought), here I KNOW that I am part of policy and can effect how some things are done.

This month, I bought groceries.  I don't get much from the goverment, barely enough for one person to stretch out a month.  But I don't know what was going on before I got here, especially about the kids.  So I ran an experiment by going shopping and seeing what was what.

Now the children's Aunt, who is about 13-14 yrs old herself, was running the house like the warden at Annie's orphanage!  I spoke to her, and I explained to her what I expected to happen with what I buy for next month.  "The shopping that I do," I told her, "is mostly for the children. If you can act like you have some sense, you can share, but because they can't go out and find themselves a meal, DON'T EAT ALL of their food."

I told her this, because I had bought some 'snack stuff', pizza rolls, taquitos, and the boy (Von and Ron) didn't know if they like 'em or not, becaue THEY DIDN'T GET ANY.

Having to detach from their spinnings and focus more on what I have to do, hurts.  But it will hurt more if I don't take better care of myself and focus on what I need to attend to.  Can't change the mindset of some people, and the gravitational pull of their lives has got them ...

I GUESS ...

... that I worry about myself.  Do know that I don't want to be anyplace that I don't feel comfortable in.  That goes for relationships too.  I am so done with 'convincing' someone that I am their guy.  They should tell me that I am ... it would be nice to hear for a change.

Haven't heard from the job, and I don't know if I should tell AKA.  But something may come up, as her Uncle saw me walking around as he drove by.  He is bound to ask for an update, and I will give him what he asks for.

*BIG SIGH*  Don't feel too 'upbeat' today.  Don't know why, just don't. 

NEW CHARACTER ALERT ..!

REFRAMING THE SITUATION

This isn't a 'war' but a 'fight'.  A long one, a hard one, but a fight nonetheless.  I wanted to keep the sense of desperation that being in combat holds, but the closest I came to that, was nowhere near what cats are going through in Iraq.  Also, I think that it overstates things unecessarily too.

An old school fifteen rounder for a championship belt may suffice.

THE FLY SKIMMIE

I have called her that since high school.  Don't know why, just have.  Nebraska says I can't come up with a nick name for her ... spoil sport!  Anywho, we actually didn't go to the same high school, she went to a parachoial school and sometimes caught the same bus as me home.  She had (has) agreat personality, and close friends.  Her family is cool, and she is the oldest of 3 fairly well adjusted children.  Her younger sister is a principal in a Oakland County school system, and the youngest, her brother is doing alright.

I actually got along with her extended family, as they are fairly close, getting together for all the big holidays and whatnot.  Anyway, we would ride the bus, and she would get on with other cheer leader girls, in their cute outfits and I would just look ... finally getting the cojones to actually talk with her.  She dated one of the stars on her school football team, but I went on liking her anyway.  We would become friends.

Twice we tried to be more than friends.  A week when I got home from the service, and then much later in my mid thirties.  The second start is what I am going to chat about now.

THE SPACES BETWEEN PLACES

I don't like the word 'effeminate' as it connotes something that would be inaccurate.  the word 'metrosexual' was passe at birth.  I just like being 'Mark, a jumble of neuroses and insecurities just like you!'

Having to figure my way around people to fit in(and not to get jumped on!) Is something I just picked up, and got to dealing with.  I have never really been good a cliques, and I don't recall ever having a tight group of friends.  Again, being on the fringe is nothing new, and I am sure that I share that with a lot of people, who are just trying to hang on.

The Skimmie and I was doing our 'girlfriends' thing, and I took a chance and asked her if she wanted to up the ante in our relationship.  So we sat and talked it out, laying out what we thought was relevant.  Then she asked me, what I thought was a crap question.  I never really got over it.  It just lingers between us, unaddressed.

I had forgotten that I gave her my cell number, so excited I was to join the 21st century.  Been taking pictures of myself and of the town, just don't know how to get them posted.  Anyway, so we ended up talking, a little about me, a lot about her.

Not wanted to sound all egotistical, especially considering that I must have been forgettable to Mookie (who hasn't called, thanks for asking! :)), but in talking with my First Wife, and now the Fly Skimmie, I was startled at how many positive references were made to our relationship.  The Skimmie is with some cat who is on hard times (aren't we all?) and is just not her cup of tea.  What is with that?!?  Why do people hang out with folks who they KNOW are not the one to be DATING let alone to make a future with?

I told her that she runs the risk of getting stalked by some out of work, wish he was kind of a guy, who is trying to latch on to anyone before his home equity (he lives in Rochester Hills) runs out.  Again she made a direct comparison, saying how even though I can't dance (not to save my life) or handle alcohol (not more than two drinks), that I would take part of her family social thingies, or even going out with her friends, and how this potential stalker cat was too stuff to do those kinds of things.

So I did what good friends do, and listened to her carp about it.  She was going to see a friend of hers who had just gotten married to a nice guy.  I could imagine what she was feeling.  Skimmie is a super successful in her field, doing low six figures, and wondering why it hasn't happened for her, a relationship and someone to love.

I can understand where she is coming from.  She spoke of hoping he either had children or would be open to adoption if her potential partner wanted a family, and she would be comfortable being a mother, even without being the biological parent.  Nothing she would say sounded too much different from what I or from what most people want.

Though it occured to me in a flash, WE could have had that life, or something like it ... if you hadn't asked such a stupid, stupid question.

Or still be selfish when you are talking with me.

The time went by, she had to go make her date and eat her heart out.  As for me, I am cool.  Sorta like the cat in the Dead Milkmen's 'Badger Song'.

Out in the woods

Up to no good

I wanna be friends with the Badger

 

The woodchucks like me

We smoke PCP

I wanna be friends with the Badger!

It's All A Work In Progress

ABOUT MY SKYE ...

I heard second hand that Tim Russert's son said his Father told him every day that he loved him.  Good deal, and I will do that with my oldest girl.

The phrase, 'glory and doom', is borrowed from a Thor comic book, when he was faced with super terminal odds ... that was the best he could hope for.  My attitude regarding my girl is similiar.  I don't think she will ever forgive me, but I hope to just be allowed in the back of the hall of her life.  Everyday that I can, I will either write, call or text her with those words.

She hasn't called me, but it is very early yet.  It is going to take effort for me to win favor in her eyes, and I want to do what I have to in order to make that happen.

THIS ISN'T ANYTHING NEW

Libraries and me have been friends for a long time.  I can remember feeling lucky when I was stationed in Taegu, because the library was right next to my barracks!  When I was in college, for a little while, I was LIVING in the school library, as it was always open, and I didn't have a place to stay (for a semsester ... I just WENT to Greensboro ... I didn't get enrolled until I showed up ..!).

In fact, one of the things that I measure places by, is their library and places of art.  It isn't that I am highbrow, but a certain amount of culture and how accessible it is, says a lot about a place.

The thing that REALLY drags down Detroit is that the libraries aren't kept up by the city nor treat well by the patrons.  Magazines are often torn or stolen right after they are set out, and the borrowers of the books return them at lesiure. 

The music scene can't be beat though.  Everywhere else is running for second place.  Even with the social lines, the fairs and civic functions are alright, though as for that, I have seen better.  It is an ok place, I reckon.  Guess I am saying that because I grew up here.  The look on Pecan Sandie's face the first time she hit the D, was priceless I tell you, priceless!

Yeah, I have been 'depressurized'.  I am home.

THE WORK YOU DO, THE PERSON YOU LOVE ...

... and the place you live.  The three biggest choices a person makes in their lives, and when it comes to choosing the places you live, more thought goes into the car you buy, than the place you live your life.

I like to think that my Mom made sure that we thought outside of the Metro Area when it came to settling and living our lives.  For me, it was a given, as I always was either fighting WWII battles in the woods behind our house, or talking about boxing in Italy (ooh, there was a cat from there in the '80's ... can't catch his name ... it was a brother, and he fascinated me ... Europe is/was sooo cosmopolitan!).

Hopefully, in about five years, I will be up for going somewhere overseas.  I have went back and forth about it, because I have real worries about being somewhere that America isn't on good terms with, and right now, it seems to be most of the world.  The Yukon and maybe Mexico, is about as much of the world I want to see.

But I don't know what a potential partner would want.  Maybe a trip to Europe is something that is a gleam in her eye, and to make it happen would just be priceless.  (Nebraska, are you listening? LOL!!) I am SO NOT ever going to want to go to Africa, or the Mid-East ... or the old Soviet Union ... any of Eastern Europe ... not to mention parts of Southeast Asia ...

... hmm ... I did say I am not inclined to go anywhere, didn't I?

But I really wanted to talk about the places we live.  I remember one comment about 'why Nebraska', and I sorta replied that I know how to stay inside when it is cold.  But it is a lot more than that.  There are things in Nebraska that appeal to me beyond the weather.  I can remember the feeling I had one of the last weekends I spent at Ft Riley, and for a little bit, I felt like staying in Kansas City ... it came and it went, as I was really looking forward to ETS, but I didn't forget, just like I never forgot how Nebraska came and beat Ohio State in Columbus, with a barefoot kicker.

The radio show, 'Talk Of The Nation' did a piece the topic of 'Where you live' being more important than either who you love or what you do.  The thinking is, that the 'where' factor influences the other two more often than not.

Lets use Nebraska and I for this part of the discussion.  And I hope she doesn't get all uptight about it ...

For me, the state will be the right place for me.  The kind of person that I am will find a spot to cultivate and grow in that environ.  Nebraska, as sweet as she is, I don't think is appreciated in her current surroundings, and could prolly use someone with a different look on life, secure enough in themselves to allow for her 'whatevers' as well as to provide the stability and unconditional emotional support that she needs.

Me, I would need somewhere I can feel safe and secure, where I don't have to be 'Detroit' (as she calls it) all the time.  I also know that between Kansas City, St. Louis, Chicago and St. Joesph (!?!), there is going to be enough 'big time' there for me.  As to places like Lincoln, Omaha and Kearney (I guess ..?), I thrive in college towns.  Is Detroit a college town?

But the provencial town the Mook's live in is essentially an college-ish environment ... but that is a digression.  I am trying to get to Nebraska (the place).

I think the point of the show, was that the place we live effects the choices we make more than anything else.  Would I have chosen to box if I wasn't in Detroit?  The kind of things that I really enjoy are unfairly maginalized here in MoTown, and they aren't in other places, in fact, they are mentioned in a way that shows how much they mean and are valued by the community.

I have been in those kinds of places before.  Nebraska has that 'smell'. 

As for Nebraska the person ...

... another good day ...

... or I should say ...

...so far.  I have just came back from the first interview that AKA's uncle took me too, the Hilton Gardens.  He said he also has a connection at the Detroit Athletic Club, which I told him I wouldn't mind shufflin' around for ... good deals!

I thanked him for his time, and for the chance to 'get back in the game', if only for a moment.  The last two minutes of the game count, and if you play you get entered in the scorebook.  Make a play and it is cooler than cool!

All that to say, I was glad to have to put on clothes and go answer inane question and send out 'hire me' vibes.  I'll take it!

THE NUCLEAR OPTION

Does anyone have a 'cat lady' or 'dog guy' in their neighborhood?  Grow up where there was a single woman who tended to her garden year round, but neglected getting her bushes trimmed?  AKA is sorta like that.  She hoards crap in her house and it is a mess.  It has always bothered me that she lives across the street from her parents, and no one has DONE anything about it.

Look, maybe they have chalked her up as a lost cause.  Too bad she isn't my sister, because I simply would not have let her get that way.  No doubt, this is one of the annoyingly redeeming facets of my personality, that I don't abandon people.

But as the conversation was heading, I am at the point where even I had to ready myself to cut ties with her.  So I told her that I was willing to help her clean her house, whatever it took.  I said I can't visit you, because it is for real unsafe for me, and though I would like to watch movies with you, I can't.  I don't want to know why or how it got that way, but I do want to be a part of it becoming liveable again.

What ever happened, happend.  Cleaning your house will help you work through that.  I will help you work through that.

... so we will see ...

THAT THING WITH OBAMA ...

It is a story on the AOL sign in page, about how two women wearing the Muslim hajib were moved from prime spots whe Barack Obama stopped here recently.

Funny ... he made several stops in the Metro area, and shook hands and took pictures WITH Muslim women in their tradition dress.  What happened in Detroit, where arguably the most influential Muslim population in the country resides?

I will tell you.  Detroit happened.

This is a personal rant, so it doesn't matter what anyone thinks, because they are wrong about it anyway.  It isn't sensible because it doesn't make sense. 

Detroit is a small town, with memories of when it was a big town.  The divisions along racial lines is stark, and rarely meet.  Everything is exaggerated, and you can make a good living playing off the predjudices around here.

So, whatever good reason (since this is getting more into socio-politcal stuff, I won't elaborate), blacks in Detroit feel they need to 'protect' other blacks, and I can easily understand why a simple minded Detroit-bred volunteer would think they were justified in keeping the Muslim ladies out of camera range ...

... I said 'justified' ... not 'right'.

SINCERE APOLOGIES

... uh, I am trying to fight it, but I do enjoy reading others journals.  But I can't stay on top of them like I want.  So, if you happen to see a reader comment from a month ago pop up in your mail box ...

... have the best day ..!  I know I am ..!

The Way

TWO FOR ONE ... KINDA

Aim is to go thru one to get to the finish of the other.  Sorta think they flow into one another, and hope to find out something about myself in the process ...

THE DARKEST SKYE

I'd rather she hated me.

Early in the second year I was the Mook's, she stopped coming to visit.  As it were, we'd call to set pick up times, ride the beltway and bring her up.  Then, for some reason, she stopped being 'available'.  I would 'day trip', but it was not enough.  Eventually, as I managed to find my way un 'n down to Carolina (unaccompanied) and Georgia (chaperoned), I can just about imagine how that looked to her.  Letting our relationship break down because of unanswered voice mail, missed dates ... and with her knowing that I was making my way back and forth between the others (I had invited her to Carolina with me) I can imagine how it may have seemed to her ... actions like that can only say one thing to a child, can't they?

If I knew why I could manage relations with the other girls better, then wouldn't I have done so with Skye?  I can't go back, but I want to try to build from here with her.  Looking at her, I could see myself in her and as I told her Mother, I recognize her as she is. 

This is the was the first time I felt anything towards my first wife in over at least a decade.  Listening to her express her worries about Skye and her concerns for her, each word was like a drop of acid in my heart.  The love and concern she has for our daughter, not unexpected of course, but good to hear the same, filled me with the hope that my relationship with our daughter was salvagable.

I had to get over myself.  Yes Isabelle, there is indeed a special spot in Dante's hell saved for cats such as myself ... one of them circles.  But until that moment comes, I am going to see if I can win back a place in my daughter's life.

Because I got confused getting there, I asked my First Wife to take me to the bus stop, which they both did.  I got out of the car, and watched it pull away out of focus, out of sight ...

NO SOUP FOR YOU

The whole thing actually went like most things have since I've been in Detroit, better than I could have expected.  My First Wife has grown, and BJ is just as silly as can be, and I did speak with my baby.  But just because D-Day was won, doesn't mean there weren't losses, and there weren't tensions leading up to it.

That is where I was on Father's Day.  I figured on doing something that would ease the tension in my mind, and that would do it.  But in being tense, it didn't mean I had a whole lot of space on my shoulder to cry on.

I don't feel sorry for myself.  Flavor Flav once rapped, "It was YOU who made your due, YOU built a maze you can't get thru ..."

That applies for others as well.

Myself, I don't care what you believe, God, Yahweh, Allah, Ninaveh, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (excellent movie ..! will get seen again soon!), I don't know of any believe system that the best things in existence isn't there to be availed to you, if you work and believe in yourself.  Call me crazy, but I think that is a large part of it. 

I stay 'upbeat' because I made this mess, and I also realise that I have the ability to clean it up.  As much fun as I had making it, I will enjoy getting it arranged neatly, you feel me?

But I don't do pity.  I am human, and there are 'moments', but I work hard at making them moments.  I won't lose myself in the 'woe is me' of my own doings, nor will I do so with others.

Like AKA.

We have had this discussion several times in the time we have known each other.  She comes from what appears to be one of those enviable 'safe and stable homes' you pass in those fine middle class neighborhoods that exist everywhere (though they are getting squeezed like a grape in a vise!)

Yeah, I may have done this and could have had that, if I was in your spot ... thing is, I AM NOT.  Not only that, I happen to REALLY LIKE MYSELF, and think that I am the only thing keeping me from the life I want.

Just like you are the only thing keeping you from your life, from yourself.

We aren't in Darfur, we didn't grow up in Uzbekistan or in the slums of Mumbai (uh, I did actually say this sentence to her ... pretty cool, I thought!).  Get the hell over what ever it is you DIDN'T do, and start doing what you CAN.  The life I am arranging for myself, doesn't have a spot in it for people that are wallowing in their own mess.  I have real worries, real thing that I may never overcome.  But I am going to do my Sisyphus thing, and fight on until I can't, not until I don't want to, or until I feel I have done enough.

Got me?

And to put emphasis on this, I pulled out my nuclear option ... and that is going to be at another time ... because I did get what I NEEDED out of this, and maybe there is just enough left for one more entry ...

Listen to some Midnight Oil ..!

JUMBO DOUBLE BONUS ENTRY ..!

OKAY, SOMETIMES I AM MORE THAN ...

"Chillin' ".  But I do mostly chill.  But before I get into Father's Day, let's talk about today and the advantages of ...

GUERILLA WARFARE

I only told YOU that it was Tuesday ... I left a voice mail saying I would be out there, THURSDAY.  Too many natural disadvantages to allow for everyone to be 'set' and await me.  So instead of a run this morning, I caught the bus out to 48336!  Took awhile to get there, then there was another couple of miles of the ol' 'left-right-left' to finally find the spot. 

They live in an off the main road apartment building (they being Skye, BJ, and My First Wife), and I had to call a cab to take me literally around the corner from where I called him from!  That is fine, as I was battling the 'done enough's', as in 'I have done enough to try for this day, put it back on the docket!'  Clearly, I hadn't as I came to see my daughter and I hadn't done that yet.

Give my First Wife her props.  Nice diggs.  Nice area.  Good for her and the girls!  Anywho, I buzzed their door and woke 'em up!  I guess it was about 9 am, and the ol' ball 'n chain (so super apropriate, as she WAS the ol' ball 'n chain once, and she is OLDER than me!) came and we sat in the apartment lobby and talked.  And talked.  And talked.

A GUILT TRIP, THAT WAS FOR REAL

Was there hints and subtle innuendo about me and my first wife?  You betcha!  But I wasn't trying to hear any of that.  Did she try to 'finish' disagreements that we had a lifetime ago?  Sure.  Was any of that of any relevance to me?  Of course not!  I just kept my eye on the prize, which was my little girl.

She is KUNG FU MEGA angry.  She has become a disconnected person, save for the link she makes to with her Mother.  In fact, her Mom worries that were something to happen to her today, who would Skye feel comfortable with?  She isn't close with her sister BJ, and while she likes my peeps well enough ...

... and no Jocelyn, I did not DARE mention myself in that mix.

Mypoor Skye.  I did tell her that with all that I know about her, and from what my peeps have said, I will tell you who I think she is -- me, with you for a Mother.  You have a large personality and you carry a momentum whether you are right or wrong that kind of pushes people to the side.

Of course, she wanted some closure about us.  I gave her some.  I told her that she is the only person that I can honestly say, I was afraid of.  It took me a LONG TIME to realize that, and most of it was due to her personality.  So it isn't any wonder that Skye acts the way that she does.

Now, she had married a 'Mark', and her and Skye was close.  But not at all since the divorce (why they divorced?  Get me drunk, and I may tell), and for whatever reason, between having to share me and with that, she has a ill view of men and relationships.

Ooh.  That is going to leave a mark.

We made talk for two hours, going back and forth between her wanted closure with us.  I finally told her, I have 4 siblings who EACH have an 'incident' where you jumped me.  Not excusing or justifying what I did in our marriage, but it isn't about what could have been done, the kind of person you were then, was ALWAYS going to make me react poorly.  Please, get over it.  No one blames you, and I wasn't an innocent.  I just want to let Skye know that I am here.

At any rate, she was able to lure her out for an appearance.  I told her that I was sorry and that I should have done better by her.  My character isn't the kind that 'presses' people who don't want to be bother, but sometimes it takes being out of character for the people we love, to let them know that they are important to us.

I can only hope that you call me, and we can start to work on being Father and Daughter.  I will prolly write you longer letters now, and your Mom have some that she can show you that I wrote her; ask her for them, because I want you to see that I did really love your Mother (once, a long time ago).

After that, the girls took me to the bus line, as I didn't know where it was.  And I caught the bus and rode out.

FATHER'S DAY (officially unofficial!)

With 3 of 4 of the ladies I most wanted to check in with me, I will take what I got.  Decided I would go to AKA's and wash her Pop's Lincoln and eat some food!  Good enough deal to me, so I called and asked if that was workable, and don't you know, a thunder shower struck!  She came and picked me up, but it put the kibosh on my plan to hit the car.

Met her sister in law and one more of her nieces, as her married brother stopped by.  Later an Uncle and Aunt would fall through, and the Uncle being some kind of Union head in the Food Service industry, AKA had me hit him up for a job.

The interview is on Thursday!

AKA can cook, but this was ... not one of her better meals.  Part of the reason is the weird dynamics in the house.  This group is half second off, not enough to throw anything out of kilter at once, but over time, something will happen.  A lot of what was prepared needed to be served and  consumed warm, and the Dad was ... who know's what he was?  A jerk comes to my mind, and everyone LET HIM BE ONE.

Well, you CAN'T do that to me.  I will speak for myself when slighted, and that has been something that I think AKA likes about me, that when I do stand up for myself or feel 'punk'd', that I stand up straight and come back at the source.

Anywho, after I finished my meal, we watched a little telly.  It was 6 pm, and since I got there around noonish, felt that it was time to go.  I got up to walk (I have hiked 4k before ... nothing new!), but her Moms suggested that AKA gave me a ride.  So she poutily took me home.

HANGIN' ON THE TELEPHONE

Cell phones are at once a gift and a pox.  With the house phone, someone else  could be on the phone tying it up, or another call could come in, and be for someone else.  Not so much with a cell phone.  Every call is for you, and you are making value judgements about the people in your life.

She called around 10 pm, as I knew she would.  Later, after dropping me off, she went to one of the better parks, and sat there watching people enjoying themselves.  She spied one particular group who seemed to be having a goodtime, from their 20's to 40's, doing whatever it was.  She remarked that she used to be in a group like that, and I asked her what happened. 

"Oh, we grew apart and lost touch."

"Really?"  I relplied.  "Funny, I thought groups that were tight like that NEVER lost touch or grew so far apart.  What really happened?  Perhaps you weren't as much of friends to one another as you led yourself to believe."

She then started making excuse and whining, whining and making excuses.  I took my gloves off, and let 'er rip!

"Look, if you want someone to pity you, to share in your heartache, you have THE wrong person.  I know what it is like to have a lot of potential and to have not achieved any measure of it.  You do know, I could argue that I was a better student than you, and could be smarter than you.  So why am I where I am?"

"Because young lady, like you, I have failed to produce.  Not my overworked Mother, my absent Father, nor my hateful sister.  It was ME.  I sat at those crossroads, choose poorly and dealt hapazardly with the consequences."

"Just like you have."

"The incidents are different, but there are similarities in the mechanics ..."

TIMES UP

At the library y'all.  Nothing going on until Thursday.  Oh, and maybe I will talk a little bit about my house, as there are things going on, there are things going on!

Enjoy Shabba Ranks!

Stifled Friday Night

...At least as much as I can be ...

My first wife is off on Tuesday, so I will go out to where they are on that day.  I am nervous, tense, and very excited.  I happened upon some people and I will share that meet later, but I told them that I don't mind how someone speaks to me, if I give them that permission, you know, like a partner/wife or good friend.  I prefer trying to make it happen then going over the roughened feathers.  I think that is a bit of a flaw, as I mentioned with my marriage and perhaps with Mookie, they needed someone with more of the 'brute' in him than I have.

But that is debatable ...

A DIFFERENT KIND OF LONELINESS

I would get lonely up there with the Mook's.  Now, I am not sure if it is loneliness or anxiety.  Right this moment, I feel a bit lost though I know that I got here by way of work and direction.  I am on the path I should be on, and that keeps me calm.  It just seems that where I am determined to go, wherever it is and whenever I will leave, is further away from here than I thought.

This feeling will pass, but I am feelilng it RIGHT NOW.  It hangs in the air like smoke and it chokes off the oxygen in the air, making it difficult to breathe.  No, I haven't allowed my emotions to 'break containment' and call anyone -- not being a drinker, the 'drunk call' is not in my repetoire (you know, this is flowing kind of good ... maybe I CAN be a writer ..!), so I can't make one and then use that as an excuse for calling.  Even when I have drunk, and I have downed a fifth of cognac in a matter of hours, albeit I was prolly 19 when I did it, I have never been so out of sorts from alcohol that I could use it as a reason I did something stupid.

No Penolope, I have been completely lucid when ever I have screwed up and messed up my life.  Dag!

'The Lonelies' got on me really bad last night.  I wanted to give her a call, missing hearing a soft, smooth voice so bad.  Would have been easy to pick up the phone and dial her up.  I don't need more of a reason than just wanting to hear her voice, but I didn't call her.

Mookie that is.  I miss something, but I am not at all sure that it is her, and I don't want to take steps where I am uncertain.  Besides, I do think that I gave her my best efforts, so I don't think I didn't put into the relationship.  So in my mind, after I say 'Hello', what more would I have to say to her? 

"Nice weather we're having?"

I don't have any regrets to my participation in our relationship.  What didn't work, what didn't turn out as planned, just didn't.  I know with out one once of regret or doubt that I gave as much as I could and then pushed beyond what I thought I had.  That kind of limits what I would say, you know?  What, I am going to love you not only better than anyone has before (which I was told at one time, that I did), but even more than that?  Ooh, I know, I promise to bet a better father to someone else's child, while my two younger girls wonder why they aren't getting more time with me, and my eldest prolly resents me (my guess ... prolly not at all far off) for having to share me with lil' Mook.

What, would I have to say to her?  Oh, I know.  I am willing not only to submit to the second class treatment of my needs and desires, but I am willing to be a serf to your ladyship?  Man, the problem isn't dialing the numbers and saying 'Hello'.  The problems start AFTER that.

That is why I don't call.

LOVEFOOL (say that you love me)

Because I KNOW that I am wanting someone right now, I also realise it is the charicature of Mookie, her smooth soft skin, her light ruby complexion, her curves and the prettiest set of lips east of the Missippi on a mouth that I have seen, that is wanting to make that call.

She is so pretty.  And she is a wonderful person too.  What could have happen to us, that had us be so far apart?  What was it that caused us to lose our way in our relationship, what was it that I could have done to save our love?

When we spoke when se gave back the ring, she told me that, "being married wasn't that important to her", something she could have shared with me back near the beginning of our 'restart', sometime after I told her how important it was for me.  I think that women, black women particularly, give up on relationships, and hey, I have been a part of that.  Hell, even SPECIFICALLY regarding Mookie.  There comes a point and a time where a girl just shrugs her shoulders, looks at all the times she has been hurt, fooled, and left to care for either the child(ren) alone, or found herself at 36, single and without a clue on how to recognize a possible relationship, too spooked to come out and be that open again.

I have always imagined a 'coffee clatch' of women, sitting around talking about how good it is not to be worried about men, and that they didn't need love and marriage, or even a stable to relationship to make them feel like they had a full life...

... right.  See, I have this brige in Brooklyn which is a great opportunity that I would like to offer you a chance to get in on ...

EVERYONE wants someone.  I don't hear that 'I am good by myself' stuff.  If that is what someone is going to work, then fine, I will let them.  But that isn't for me.  I will accept it if it doesn't happen, but I won't stop trying to find someone who wants to go to Alaska with me, or walk the Valley of Fire, or go take pitcures of the Grand Tetons.  Someone wants someone to shop with them, to help them garden and share in the kitchen detail.

I will find her.  Wouldn't be surprised if she is in Nebraska (the place).  Maybe I was meant to be an I-back, and not heavyweight champion of the universe!

TODAY AT THE ASTORIA BAKERY

First, I am going to have to stop with that.  Not only is it expensive, but I think that the reason I am floating around in my teens as far as weight, is because I keep eating those darned bakery pasteries!  I love the cookies most of all, but there is so much there to eat.

A group of people from out of town happened to sit by me, and one of the older ladies (they were all older than me, 3 ladies in their early to mid 50's and a gentleman in the same bracket) happened to share Mookie's name!  We struck up a conversation, and it seems she was getting over a divorce, only she was further along in her 'getting over', but still a little bitter.

I told her it would have been a little bit more understandable if it had been one of the 'Big 3', infidelity, money, or children.  But it wasn't.  Hers was similiar in respects to that, and she feels, like I do with Mookie, that her ex still loves her. But things happen for a reason, she concluded.  She felt that she was doing better as she moved on.

Then one of the other ladies said to me, "Don't worry about you, you are going to do just fine."

I smiled.  I think I will too.

The Statis Check Method

TO RUSS AND RAVEN

The running and training thing are constants in my life.  I will prolly always do something along the lines of exercise as long as I can.  That helps deal with stress from whatever.  For that hour, sometimes two, I get to re-imagine myself and I even let my life go, and pretend that I am 'that guy', fighting in Las Vegas.  For me, bad feelings are always just a run, a workout from being eased.  All else fails, make cookies!

Besides, I have hurt worse.

FROM GREENSBORO TO MARQUETTE

Road that bus, alone for a little more than 26 hours.  I had only been to Northern Michigan once, and had no coaches with me.  But I got checked in, and got to where I needed to go, and I was confident that I was going to do well in the Trials, as I had beaten two of the cats before that were in my class, and I just felt that this was my time.

But it wasn't.  I missed my weigh in, and that was that, end of story.  I would have done better if I never came at all.  That hurt.  I was in a daze for months.  I had dropped out of school that spring ... didn't feel like going back that summer, and never did.  My Delta Girl did pick me up, and got me dusted off.  I found a decent enough job being a welder (!?!), and we had a nice relationship for a good while.

Then I lost her.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE SAID "DiMAGGIO"

I was taking classes at the local community college, when I talked to a cat who boxed in town.  Eventually, I would get back into it, and started off fast when I turned pro.  I had told My Delta Girl that I wasn't going to pursue it as a career, that I would stay in school and just do the boxing 'for fun'.

That was a lie that I had told myself and to her.

Some cats told another cat who told the Jew Bastid who signed me up.  Delta Girl made it clear where she stood.  I asked for her to reconsider, but she wouldn't budge ...

Me, I thought that I was only acouple of fights away from making decent change, talking in the high 5 to low 6 figures, enough to pay down college loans, a small wedding and maybe a little house in the Carolinas.  But the best laid plans ...

I had just came back from losing a big (for me) in New Jersey when she gave me my papers.  They say it is the punch you don't see that gets you.  But I saw this one coming and STILL got hit by it.  How lost was I after that blow?  I can't think too hard about it, without my eyes stinging.  I was still stumbling around recklessly, bumping into Nixxie and then Pecan Sandie, and impacting THEIR lives as I wallowed in the 'why me' of emotional ... whatever you want to call it.

What on earth was wrong with me?  I have mentioned it before, because it is true.  I met nice women, but wasn't closing the deal.  Why?  What was wrong with me, that I could get near the goal line, but not carry the ball over.  As if I didn't do enough introspection, I went and looked inside of myself again.

SURVIVORS GUILT

I don't know, and I not saying this as a fact.  But according to my first wife, it is easier for most man to move on after a break up than it is most women.  It sure seems that way, judging from all the magazines and Maury Povich 'baby daddy' shows.  Whether it is or not, I know for me that 'recovery' has been something I thought I did rather well, if not quickly.  It wasn't until I broke up with Tee Jay, after four years of exclusive dating, that I wondered if I needed to take another step in finding a wife, because that is what I wanted.  Because like My Delta Girl, she was willing to stand by me during a difficult stretch despite our differences.  I was the one who couldn't find the way back.

I sat down, took some time off and really did some excavating.

HERE'S WHAT I CAME UP WITH

Yes Jennifer, this is a bit of a review.  Things are going well, but it is droning on.  I don't have a  clue of what is coming up next, only that I am looking forward to it.  Going out to Nebraska is going to be the right thing FOR ME ... not quite as worried about being the right thing for Nebraska (the person), though I would certainly like to have a shot at her.  Anyway ...

Why not go and see if anyone who you were with before, still have a thing for you?  It could happen, can't it?  Every now and then there is some story about people who once were this, life got in the way, and they don't get together for years, but when they do, it is magic.

We all want a little magic in our lives, don't we?

Maybe Mookie was still not the one.  We did have a good run, and that has to count for something.  I still think she is special and will always have a place in my heart for her.  Could we still be a  couple?  Yes and no.  Yes, because if she were to do something out of her character, to come and ask for me back before I was readying for launch.  No, because if you think I would ask her to try again, you would be mistaken.  As much as I put into our relationship for her to take for granted and/or discount, I shouldn't have to be the one who does the 'asking'.

Right now, I feel confident that I can go somewhere new, and thrive.  I would like to think that I can handle myself and be myself, which is why I thought I would 'go back to go forward', that by getting together with someone who 'knows me', that I could be not just who I am, but who I want to be, if that makes sense.

I have gotten my 'legs' back under me, and I do think that I can trust myself enough to get out into the world.  Haven't had anything untoward happen to me yet, and in this town that IS saying something!

TURNED INTO A RAMBLE, DIDN'T IT ..?

Because I am waiting for this filing to be sent to that department, most of my days are spent using the time allotted to search on line for work, then home to read and hang with my nephews.  AKA and I talk and sometimes share a dinner, and I chat up my BFF and Hutch.

Now if I can get a hold on eating these Astoria cookies ..!

Other than that, I guess I am going about as well as to be expected.

... I guess I was a little off ...

WELL GEEZ ..!

Okay ... going to Nebraska ISN'T until next year ... I knew letting that cat out of the bag when I did was too soon.  As to the weather, I know how to stay in the house!  I have a sister staioned in Kansas, and a few good friends in Kansas City.  Not to mention I just WANT to go there ... the same way I wanted to go to Carolina, and I think that I would do well in Arizona ... no sensible reason other than I just 'think it would be cool'.

And so it will be, going to Nebraska.

As to 'swallowing' my emotions with Mookie, it isn't that I am trying to run from them, or not feel them because I do.  Just last night, the thought popped into my mind to call and ask for a 'conversation' about trying once more ... the thing is, that because most everything else is going so well for me personally, I don't want to be getting all weepy and melancholy about her.  Joyce Carole Oates said in a Reader's Digest, that "Revenge is living well, without you."

Yes, I am sad about things, and I miss Mookie and lil' Mook terribly.  Time is going to fill that hole, not me.  Besides, I need to take a different tack with MY SKYE.

MISSION CREEP

My Dad made me get a cell phone.  Not too bad ... and that is the number I gave to AKA's Pops, if he needs an 'Man Friday'.  After a little bit of thought, I have decided to be less available for him, as he has TWO ADULT SONS, as well as a daughter (they have a lobbyist or something politico sister in Lansing) to call on.

They should be able to help them get whatever he needs done, done.  Besides, I feel like the 'dumbest guy in the room' around them, not intellectually, but that they 'know' something that is obvious, but I don't.

Yet I do.  Their daughter is a mess, and I am too polite to mention it.  But I might ... anyway, I am not going to get caught up with all that crap ...

I am going to put more into getting with Skye, beginning with leaving the library today.  Now, the idea I have isn't something that is going to be approved of, but with 'boots on the ground', you kind of make decisions to fit the situation.

I am just going to show the hell up.

See, she is supposed to be leaving in July, to go to California.  I want to see her before she goes.  My thing is to make her look at me and tell me how she feels, and not where I am guessing.  As to her Mother, she is into all that kind of drama, and I figure she would actually welcome the action, as it makes sense in her world (You know, the kind that says, "If you really cared, you would have fought me back," ... YES SHE SAID THAT ). 

Won't put any heavy or deep things in the air ... I just want to see her, and wish her well.  Get a hug, and go on about my business.  I will be here when she gets back, and I guess will really start from there.

RANDOM SATURDAY

...cause I AM ALONE AT WAYNES STATE

There is some kind of fair going on, where they show gifts and have local performers doing their music.  Lot of people are down here, and I have an unease in big crowds ...

... but I am managing.

Did I ever mention how 'small' Detroit is for me.  People that I have not seen in over 20 years have spotted me straight away.  I just ran into a former boxer who I knew when we were kids ... already ran into a guy who trained me for a few of my final pro fights, and when he asked if I was 'doing anything', i.e., still boxing, I told him I was at the drug store picking up perscriptions just like he was!  We shared a laugh and talked about relationships and how he and his wife have made it through the years, sending their two children off to college and doing alright if not fine.

...hmm.

Helped AKA's Father with some yard work.  He also asked if I would be available to help him around the house if needed.  I said "sure", as her Mom and Dad have always been very cool to me.  It was funny going to get the mulch with him, as he talked about how he couldn't do some of the things that he could when he was younger.  I just agreed, I really didn't know what to say.  He then made some crap comment about me, saying that I looked a 'little bigger' than I did before, which is PATENTLY UNTRUE.  In fact, I am smaller now at 219 than I ever was while I was around his daughter.  I absolutely HATE when people have to tell you about their limitations by first intimating that you have yours, don't you?

What crap thinking.  Pure, crisp, insecure crap thinking.  There ain't nothing wrong with me, you just don't want to admit what is wrong with you!

But I enjoyed helping him out, turning and weeding his garden so he can plant his tomatoes, and spreading the mulch.  It involved me getting dirty, and if y'all hadn't guessed it by now, I can be a little bit of a priss.  But the larger benefit, doing something that would be appreciated, won out.  Plus, when I get on my own, if I can plant some FLOWERS I will.  It was good practice.

CLEAR AND PRESENT ...

Understanding.  That is what AKA and I have.  We had thistalk earlier in May, maybe my second full week.  I told her that I was going to commit to my 'crap philosophy' ('crap' in this sense as self-effacing ... Am I a philosopher?  Yes, I think very deeply..!) and see how far it gets me.  I don't understand how you don't believe in yourself to expect and demand more out of your life, and put more in it.  All I know is that I am going to do what I can, to save myself, and I may need help to do it.  I won't be trying to save anyone else.

"You could, if you wanted to," she replied.

Is she right?  I don't know, and if when I am doing that final 'This Is Your Life' screening, and the voice over says, "... and here is where you turned your back on your last best shot at love ..." and it is a shot of AKA, then like the Vikings used to say sailing the frigid waters of Scandanavia ... "Oh well !"

... anyway, things have being going well, and I can see a late summer, early fall departure to Nebraska.  If that window is not available, then early spring.  See, the former lets Nebraska get her things in order with her family and I won't be in the way as much.  The latter because last winter 'spooked' me, and I am not trying to go anywhere new dealing with weather.

Besides, Skye haven't call yet.

GOING TO DO IT THIS WEEK

I left a message on her Mom's phone to call me today.  She is at work right now, so I hope she calls when she gets off.  I want to have a sit down with the both of them so we can go on and get this out in the open.  Everything else I have to do has been going pretty well.  This is weighing on my heart (Mookie weighs on my mind, and that is a little easier for me to handle), because I want to tell her that I am sorry for making her angry and not being there.  I want her to hear from me that I love her and still want to be a part of her life if she would have me.  She has two sisters that would like to meet her, not to mention cousins to hang out with from my side of the family.

MOOKIE FEELINGS

I swallowed them down in one big chunk.  When it 'comes back up' like a bulimics dinner, I will get into it.  Still trying to just keep it down, and go on with the going on.

... over at Hutch's ...

SOMETIMES, TOO MANY IS AS BAD AS TOO FEW ...

All these new mood choices!  Since 'chilling' is an approved conscious state in my administration, that is still going to be the preferred choice.  The rest in the variety, I don't know about, as I could find the truly appropriate word and plug it in.  The added choices only serve to make that even more clear, as I am still left struggling for mood choices, even with the wider selection!

JUDE LAW AND A SEMESTER ABROAD

Good song by the band Brand New.  One of my 'songs for this moment'.  Hope y'all don't mind me talking about my Mookie a little bit.  Even with my 'hurt' being small compared to the suffering that others endure in this world, even as one of my friends have endured FAR MORE than I have, even as I KNOW I have dealt with worse, if Mookie had chosen to keep the ring ...

No ... nothing would have eased what I feel ... that is just that.

Part of why I can't get our conversation compressed, is that I 'hear' her voice.  She has a 'top 5' voice, which is really saying something were I to give my 'totals'.  One of the reasons I have always held her dear in my life, from back when we first met, up until RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND, is that she is the only person that showed up in the 'top 5' of every category I grade women in (oh come on now, like you weren't aware that men do this ..!  We LOVE ratings, rankings, putting things in 'lists' ... so COME ON ..!).  That is why she was the choice for this 'marriage eligible' version of Mark, because when I put into my brain computer, who I should be with, her name popped up first.

There are other names on that list, but other than Nebraska (who's largest negative is that she lives in Nebraksa and I am still in Michigan), she was FAR AND AWAY the best canididate for me to try to renew our love.

And we still love each other.

I did tell her that ... sorry ... as I said, thinking about our words, they become an 'auditory' thing, and if I am hearing my voice, it means her voice is going to reply.

The good thing, if there is a good thing, is that I will prolly forget the words, forget the sound, and be left with just the 'feeling'.  The thought of does the Earth still 'hurt' from meteors when they hit, applies here.  The Earth grows around it scar, whether it is large or small, and keeps spinning.

The meteor strike is forgotten in its individual occurence.  Only the knowledge that there will be more to come, the awareness that the cost of being a heavenly body means that sometimes, things crash into you exists.  As well as the possibility that sometime, these things CAN BE big does too.

RUBRIC

The only Phillip Glass release I have is 'Glassworks' on cassette tape.  I remeber him from a LONG AGO appearance on SNL where he performed the song 'Rubric'.  I remember liking that song so much, that I wanted to hear it at MY WEDDING reception, damn whatever else the DJ would play, he would play THAT ONE Mark song, dammit!

If my music was accessible (but it isn't at my Dad's house ... everything is still 'boxed up' which is why I am not listing any music ... and this is a new thing for me... Amazing, because THAT IS BIG, not listening to music), I would grab it.  Another another artist that I like and am inspired by another journalist who recently mentioned in their journal, is Courtney Love.

To say I 'like' her is saying a bit much.  I actually don't, and not to go off on a tangent, I hold her as cupable as his own inner turmoil for Kurt Cobain's reaction to his life.  Anyway, I like the song 'Doll Parts', and I like the title to the CD it is from a lot too, 'Live Through This'.  The image of the prom queen, a mess from what, a date gone horribly wrong?  Someone tried a 'Carrie at the Prom' thing?, has endured as an indelible image in my mind.

Wow, I just noticed something.  I haven't had to 'look' for words today, they are just coming out of my fingers.  Pain must be inspiring.

'Live Through This'.  I think I have loved deeply, but this was the first time I have loved 'truly'.  I could go back, still want to go back.  Honestly, were she to 'come and get me', I would be a mess.  No, I didn't even hint at that, will NEVER hint at that, not because I am trying extra hard to be strong, but that she should know it already, and if she doesn't, then again, it validates my decision.

I think about the songs that I want to hear at my wedding, playing amid the usual pop/r & b fare ... a song by the Smiths or the Arcade Fire ... going out to Nebraska, home of the Saddle Creek label, some Azure Ray or indie rock deity Conor Oberst and some Bright Eyes ...

... not to mention some Interpol.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO THE WEST COAST

I have had my eye towards Nebraska for quite awhile now.  Every reference 'west' was a thought about what lies in Nebraska for me.  I think it would be something if I saw that kid I used to beat up from my amateur boxing days ... it would be a kick to see him!

'Have You Been To The West Coast?' is a line from the Interpol song 'The Henrich Manuver' from their 'Our Love To Admire' release.  I really like what they do, don't care if the snob critics call them derivative of Joy Division or not.

So far, every CD I have by them, I like more and more whenever I hear it.  Another song on that release, 'Mammoth' is another song that would be on the soundtrack from this particular era ...

I am struggling, because I still WANT Mookie, even as I am trying to 'kick'.  My Dad made me get a cell phone, and I did not give her the number ... but I have got to, as I did leave it with lil' Mook, and for her to have it and not her Mom, is in a word CREEPY ...

OH, AND THAT IS GOING TO BE THE NEW STRUGGLE

Getting back with Skye.  But since I know others have dealt with larger issues simeoutaneous to one another, I will manage this.  She is very angry with me, and understandably so.  Quite a blow, but nowhere near fatal. 

I have never loved anyone like I love Mookie.  Never.

... read "Bummed" as ...

... HURT ... AND RATHER BADLY ...

She gave it back.  Hutch took me up, got everything I need to get done, finished.  Spoke to Lil' Mook, as she stayed home from school.  Waited for Mookie.

The details are details.  Did not say 'I'm still in love with you", but allowed for "and you know how I feel towards you".  Did say that falling in love and having a partner is still important as a goal for me, she said she didn't need to be married or with someone in her life (note to self; next time you hear that one, scratch name of list and send back for vetting).

Got my gear, came back down the belt way.  Just hurt.  Ring discussion went as follows: "You gave it to me", "But the gift was conditional".  "Okay, you can have it back".

... and that was that with that ...

... traveling Highway 50 ...

On a loose fitting day ...

Okay, right now I am 'out' but I am on my way back 'in'.  I only had one early morning errand, and being out on a day like this, with my 'goal for the day' being so easily reached, leave me open to something random happening, something that I am not too sure will be good!  The days of just waking up and doing things off on a riff are going to be put on hold for awhile.  See, I haven't really finished 'decompressing' yet.

That is why I haven't really been able to talk too much about what I see on my day to day travels.  I never wanted to live in Detroit, but it wasn't because I don't like it, or think it is that bad (though it is, in some ways), but just that I want to be somewhere else, if that makes any sense.  I mean I have seen some bad urban places, some just BAD places ... Petersburg, Va comes to mind, around Richmond.  Baltimore, Philly and oh my, D.C. looked like a set from a Hollywood movie about urban blight when I first went there ...

... and I am sure there are other places where the light of hope shines through weakly.  It is just that Detroit is home, and it hurts to see her like this.

WHAT, ME WORRY ..?

Yes Corrine, sometimes I do.

I wonder about my ability to function at an acceptable level.  I wonder about my mental processes, and if I am in denial about things.  The other day, chatting with AKA, I mentioned how I wouldn't mind buying a scooter ... she needled me, by reminding me of several 'misadventures' I had riding, and this was back a few years.  Logic would say that whatever was causing those 'incidents' didn't go away. 

Fine.  I won't get one.  Won't drive either.

Other than that, I don't have too many other worries.  My instincts are still sharp, and I can still 'read and react' pretty good.  I know what I really want is well within my reach and can be attained. 

Enough cheerful talk.  Time to hit the showers and shut 'er down.  Big day coming up tomorrow.

Nebraska (the concept)

WEEKENDS ARE LONG

Especially without my bike.  Ugh!

I had written down a mess of what I had hoped were thoughts that made sense, about my feelings on the whole shebang, about how much I feel towards Nebraska and what she may feel about me.  I wanted to explain how she was the proverbial 'cherry on top' of the notion that Nebraska (the state) would be a good fit for me, that it was a place that made my 'top 5' places to live long before I even knew her.  It was such a confusing mess, that I gave up on trying to salvage it, or making heads or tails of what I had written.  Being confused stresses me, for critical reasons.  So then I stepped back and tried to figure out how something that I KNOW is right, is confusing!

"Things should be as simple as possible, but no simpler." - Albert Einstein

She finds it hard to believe that I can have such deep and abiding feelings for her, someone I have only had sporadic conversations with on line, and spent a long weekend with. 

We were doing the IM thing for a good while, then when Mookie and I reconnected, I stopped popping out.  Wanted to give us the best chance I could, and surreptiously chatting with other women, particularly one that had that something special (for me at least), would indeed not have been fair to Mookie.  It wasn't until October that we started chatting again, and I suggested (I think) that we meet in Chicago, where my best sister lives.  This renewal of our on line relationship came after my darling brother moved on,  and seeing how much he had packed into his time with us, all the lives he had reached from all of the different backgrounds, I knew at the time I was going to set a new course for my life, one where I would be leaving Mookie.

I did not intend to 'fix' on Nebraska (the person), as I was simply chatting with a friend.  But a woman I had reached me on a deeper level than just as a random person.  Already had begun to push myself away from where I had fallen and started to climb back to the surface, one hand after the other, holding firm when the elements threatened.  And yes Violet, I let my thoughts of Nebraska (the person)

To 'pick up and go elsewhere' isn't something that I am new to.  I have done this thing a time or two, and I know there are things necessary for ME to do before I go anywhere else.  Wouldn't make a difference if I won the lottery for millions (though only a few thousand would be necessary!) or not.  I have to do what I have to do.  A comment left by Russ here the other day about bureacracy 'thinning the herd', is so very true.  I also think that way about adversity.  It culls the weak and the undeserving, clearing a path for those who are willing to pay that price.  I know that I am deserving of the things I hope for ... and they are to be had by me, provided I am willing to pay the price for them, to work hard and to keep my faith.

My feelings for Nebraska (the person) are just a simple as I share with her, and what is prolly obvious here.  The asking of 'how' is trying to ask how of the ancient Egyptians as they put the pyramids of Giza together.  Nietzsche said 'we can deal with any 'how' as long as someone has a 'why'. 

I have my 'why'.  That is not something to be questioned or explained.  Can take suggestions on the 'how'.  Other than that, watch me work, because the 'why' is absolute.

It is what it is. (Now THAT'S when you use that sentence ..!  Grr, I so dislike how people misuse that phrase!)

BUT THEY STILL GO SOOO GOOD TOGETHER!

At times in my life, honestly, MOST of the times in my life, I was the 'chicken' in the ham and eggs breakfast of love!  My time with Mookie was really the first time I was 'the pig'.  You know how that goes ... the chicken participated in the breakfast while the pig was committed.

That was why I did what I did regarding our relationship.  I didn't think I got what I deserved from her, and it would take some SALT treaty type negotiating for something to happen again.  I did think I needed to know what it felt like, to have that exerience and not a bunch of theory to go into and EXPECT my next relationship to make it to the winner's circle, you know?

Nebraska has shared with me a few of the reasons she is doubtful that we would ever become more than friends.  COOL FOR YOU ... that is my position.  The unrequited love thing is something I KNOW I can handle, because I have DONE THAT, in fact, just got finished living through 2 years of that thing there.

She wants to be friends.  Cool.  Be that.

I can accept that she wants and feels something different from me.  Because Nebraska (the place) has been on my horizon a LONG TIME before she came into my life, going back to Vince Ferragmo as the Husker quaterback and Tiny Archibald as guard for the Kansas City-Omaha Kings ...

Wrote her a letter that I hope that goes a long way to easing HER apprehensions.  What ever she does in her personal life, is FAIR PLAY (hmm, I think that is a useful phrase, certainly more clever and functional than 'it is what it is ... that is why I USE IT ..!).  The only thing I can expect of her is what she offered ... friendship. 

And that would not be a bad thing at all.