The Lurking

WOW ..!

They have more choices for 'moods'!  But 'chillin' is so apt for me, that one can expect to see it as it comes standard with this model ..!

... and not getting ahead of ourselves ...

I have been about as extemporaneous as I care to be.  Is May over?  Sure, this is the last day, but I am not even sure of that!  But though I am out of my personal routine, I have been getting what I need to have done, initiated.  Because dealing with the lingering issues that have weighted me down is just grinding, sometimes when I pass through, I guess I 'lurk' or whatever, because there is only so much I directly control right now, and that is what it is I am doing.

So I read my 'entry alerts' and live through others.  Seriously.  I try to put myself right there with you, which is why on occasion, I may 'go long' in my comments. Something that the journalist is experiencing may have touched me in a connective way, and I share how I feel about it, hopefully not coming off too preachy or anything.  As for me, 'working' is work.  Each day brings me a little closer to getting the ship ready to sail once again!

"YOU LOSE IT IF YOU TALK ABOUT IT." - Ernest Hemingway

That is why I play 'peek-a-boo' with what I want to do.  There is only so much you can say before it gets out and becomes 'spoiled'.  Why did I put it out here and not find someone to confide in that I can actually talk to?

Because I want to keep them as my friends, that is why.

See, I have never been too fearful to chase after what it is I have said I want.  But there are some people who for whatever reason, will make sure that you know about all the dangers and risks, who will even go as far as to tell you that you are making another mistake, even after you have painstakingly told them how different this new undertaking was, and after you have shown them all the work you done to prepare and what makes it just be the best thing for you.

At the same time, you also need to ask of the world and let it know that you are coming.  The only way I could accomplish this,is to put myself out here, and I just hoped someone would come around and notice.  Not to mention that I would give back and be there as much as I could be thru the screen ...

You know what I am saying?

MOOKIE MOMENTS

Next week is going to be a big one.  I go up the beltway to pick up my junk and run some errands.  Spoke to Mookie last night; she called for a legit reason and we spoke about making the necessary arrangements.  Then I asked (oh come on, five and a half years of loving a person, and I can't find out if ...) if she missed me.  Her reply was, "You know I do," and there a pregnant pause.

In that moment, I saw all the things I would be giving up by answering her emotionally.  I saw having fun with my daughters at the State Fair in Lincoln (or in Detroit, or Raleigh ...), and I could see myself on campus in school ... or working with elementary school kids in an after school program ... I could see getting on Nebraska's nerves with my obtuse observations based on memories that themselves are fuzzy ... ooh, and going to Kansas City and getting some steaks ..!

So I told Mookie the truth: "Well, I better let you go, before something gets said that neither of us wants to live up to."

See you on Wednesday!

Lounge Music is Cool!

Listen to Esquivel!

... something I had written down one day ...

THAT WHICH MAKES COWARDS OF MEN ...

This is an entry cobbled from pieces I had written down in the past month.  I don't really recall what made me NOT include it here, so I am putting it in as I wrote it, so if it seems out of sequence, that is because it is ..!

Lessee, I am a disabled former professional boxer, achingly fresh from a breakup from a girlfriend of five years, with whom I thought I was engaged to be married.  The actual break up was instigated by me, for reasons that my or may not have been dealt with correctly.

This meant a return to Detroit, to straighten out some personal affairs (three daughters, three women ... YOU do the math!) and I am currently staying with my Father who has his own personal chaos to live through.  As the French would say ... OOOOHHH WWWEEEELLL!

Since I am currently a part of this environment, I have to wonder, is this going to be my fate as well?  To bounce from place to place, barely scraping by from one moment to the next?  This isn't a pinic, and not even Yogi would think of trying to snatch from this table ... he has higher standards!

But, after a long day of dealing with the freindly bureacracy of the city of Detroit, waiting in this line to be told to go stand in another where I learn that the form I need is in another building ... being irrated and frustrated, a nearly irresistable force begans to push against me, nearly making me cower ...

... fatigue.  I am tired.

KIPLING-ESQUE

Because time isn't forgiving, make the most of the time you have.

I think 'fatigue' is the thing of the shadows and of the dark.  It isn't that one cannot push on, but when you are tired, the uncertainties get braver, and they are willing to stand and push you around as you make your way.  The more you try to go against it, the more your struggle intensifies and you find yourself slogging when your intention is to move seamlessly.

For over a decade, I have be wondering what is going on with me and my life, not in strict terms of mental and physical health, but in a more spiritual and philosophical way ... and for me, those terms are interchangeable as I see one feeding into the other, in that yin-yang kind of way.  To seperate them leaves you with half a soul, half a mind.

I have been able to make the small achievements that should have led to greater ones, but my life if pockmarked with breakdowns in what ever endeavor I was undertaking.  That there isn't anything that could be readily identified as 'bitterness' in me, has always made me wonder if I wasn't simply fooling myself into accepting failure, dressing it up as best I could, and then bumbling off, without learning why I didn't make it through the threshold that marks the end of hope and the beginning of actuality.

Whenever I think back on things that I was 'almost there', the military, college, boxing, and my love life, I have wondered what it was that I did not posess, that I lacked that was preventing me from crossing over and actually reaching what it was I was trying to achieve.

The line -- "If you can fill the unforgiving minute ...", it seems has echoed in my mind constantly, not because that is what I was doing, but it was what I WAS NOT doing.  I even wonder if I did the same thing again in my last relationship, that it failed more because I let several seconds pass with out a full and intense effort.

The unforgiving minute.  It doesn't ask anything save, did you apply the effort?  I have to openly wonder if I am making myself content with falling short, and not reaching down deep to pull whatever is left to get what it is I want ...

Life frowns on bargains.  That is why you have to put out 60 seconds worth of distance run into that minute.  I am going to ask this of myself fairly regularly because getting push to fringes of myself is something I need to grow comfortable with.

Wow.  Not that I am feeling too much of anything, save determination to get to where I am going.  No time for crying about how tough or how difficult things are, because I didn't worry about that when I made this mess.  I want to keep fighting, and I have to make the most of what is something I have been fortunate enough to have in me ...

... the will not to give in.

Getting tired is not an option.  My mind and body will serve me in all my efforts made on this mortal coil.  So stop crying and 'gird up thy loins' ... if it was good enough for Job to hear, it is good enough for you to do ..!

Just Mark being Mark ...

A GOOD SIGN ...

Saw another early morning runner yesterday!  We were going in opposite directions, and it ws just a welcomed sight, as you don't see too many folks jogging in the 'hood!  I felt more at ease in the environment, knowing that it had to allow for at least one other person who engages in what I do.

Because it was a true 'new' route and distance, I had my mind set on 'finish' and wasn't really trying to run hard.  Going out at a double time is easier than you think, and it lets me relax and think about things ...

MARY JO

... so keeping an internal cadence to myself, and letting the various songs play through my ear buds, I found another journalist, the aforementioned Mary Jo come to mind.  Seems that she is returning to perform, and that is just groovy to me.  To my understanding, it has been a long time between sets for her and I can appreciate her concerns getting ready for the stage.  I can sorta identify with doing something you love and are passionate about in front of an audience after a long layoff.  It isn't enough to get on and ride the horse, but to do it with the same panache that you did before, to ride it as well as you once did, that is the trick.

So I thought about how I would 'get her ready', you know, framing it in how I could help her out, she'd be like a fighter I was working with in the gym.  I would go to some of her rehearsals, letting her know that she is sounding better and crisper.  When it came time for the show, I would make sure all the 'loose strings' that could throw a performer off was clipped, at least as best as I could, then I would sit in the audience, and watch her do her thing!

... but that's just me ...

... ooh ... and it just HIT ME ...

I didn't go anywhere for the weekend, and it was a long one for me.  I was missing the Mook's, both little and big, though I did not call, I wanted to!  Tried to call Skye and her Mom ... figuring I could finagle an invite to a cook out somewhere when a pregnant pause turned into a realization ...

SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND ..!(I am thinking ... not confirming ..!)

Now it shouldn't matter between me and my daughter WHAT the Mom does in her personal life on paper, but in the real world, it does.  I have ALWAYS been cool about the men in my first wife's life, but other than her husband, they aren't so cool with me.  Just a note, hopefully nothing is going to come of it, but you don't know sometimes.

Finally, sometimes I indulge myself in a bit of make believe with Nebraska, wondering what it would be like if we grew up together and all that.  I tend to go back to high school when I'm am doing this.  She seems to think that I am stuck back there, because when I fantasize about 'us', I go back there.

One of the reasons is that high school experiences tend to be universal.  World History is world history, and everyone had to read Beowulf in a literature class.  There were the geeks and jocks, the sweater girls and the shy ones with glasses.

Two, because it WOULD have made a difference in my life's direction, if not hers.  I liked where I ended up going and what I was doing.  That was the first of three major overhauls in my life.  The next would come in my mid-thirties, and the last one is going on now, and is being chronicaled here.  I get to pretend for a little bit about being transported back into a time that never existed to a place that could have never been.  Isn't that what fantasy is about?

Third, it is relaxing and more importantly, it is FUN.  From Kant to Aristotle, great minds have understood the purpose of creating the world you want in your mind.  I think she has a problem with me sounding 'fixed' on her.  While she is a focus point, it isn't that I am pinning anything on her.  What do people like to tell me ... oh, I know ... "It's not that deep, Mark."

And really, it isn't.  I just want to keep my mind free, and let it roam where it does.  Anyway, hope y'all had a good weekend!

... finishing a big piece of work ...

NO, REALLY ...

... for the last time, I am going to say I am chill ... in fact, that is what is on my mind today, in a sense ...

HANDLIN' THINGS

Taking full steps, and it is a long road.  But getting things in orders, is what I define 'patience' by.  I can realistically look forward to getting my 'business interest' together by October, which means that I can make June my Operation: Blue Sky launch date ..!

Observing life as it were in the big city is different than it was in the provencial town I was in, different from any other town I have EVER been in.  It hurts to see Detroit in such a state.  It isn't just that I have 'false memories' of what was, but there are physical things, from the empty lots in neighborhoods where homes once stood, to the empty storefronts and lack of quality shopping in most neighborhoods.

Some things I do indeed write down, but to put it all down here would be a bit much for me.  Not just the length, but to have to 'feel' those emotions again would sorta be counter productive to the personal progress I am making, you know ..?

For instance, sometime Nebraska peeks in to see what I am writing, and she doesn't like that I reference her state as nothing but a big farm filled with cows and chickens, with rows of corn lining the street.  Cool, I will stop.  Not just because it bothers her, but because I aspire to be there, and how can you slam something you are striving for?

Besides, I do have a grin when I think of riding to a nearby coffee shop to do my morning routine.  Seeing the regulars as they go on about their day ... will miss the Red Wings, but Nebraska-Omaha did beat State in hockey this past season, and I would love to tailgate at Arrowhead or be in Lincoln for a big game ...

... not only that, my Army sister is a surgical nurse at Ft. Leavenworth, and I have a close family friend in Kansas City ... man, I feel so fortunate to have so much to look forward to ... finding and building a new life, the life that I imagine ..!

BEHAVE LIKE A FIGHTER

While I hope to get into a gym while I am here, the main reason that I started back totraining myself was to help restore my self confidence, which had begun to erode.  The losing weight stuff, was a pleasant by product, not to mention being healthier in general.

Now Teddy Atlas, former trainer for Mike Tyson and other top fighters, and a fight analyst for ESPN, coined the phrase 'to behave like a fighter'.  It has a lot in common with what it means to 'cowboy up', only that 'cowboy up' to me, has a touch of resignation to it that 'behave' doesn't.

For instance, when I initally landed in Detroit, I was full of apprehensions.  This was quite a change in environment, and there were many perils laying around the challenges that I faced.  When I shared my experience of walking through the 'hood with AKA, she said it was prolly more of 'there's a new lion walking around' and that is what they were checking out.

I am thinking now that she was prolly right.  At first glance, there is NOTHING that says 'victim' about me.  There is my build as well ... the question anyone has to ask is, 'does he hit as hard as he LOOKS like he can?  Or, does he hit HARDER'.  At least that is the attitude I carry with me ... AT ALL TIMES.

Behaving like a fighter is what you do, when you are squeezed for a deadline at work, and while it is tight, it just means that lunch is going to be a real 30 min or hour break, with no lag time ... and that you won't spend an extra 5 minutes at the coffee maker or talk about 'American Idol' in the bathroom.

You have work to do, work you know you can do and get done without fail.  So do it.  That is 'behaving like a fighter'.  When your child comes home from school, saying that some big assignment that needs to be finished by Friday on a Tuesday, and you manage to help build, write, and teach all the while the house is clean, dinner is made, and work is done.  That is behaving like a fighter.

When you have to get into your car, ride for an hour at 2 am to get a daughter or son and three of their friends from a concert when their ride breaks down, that is behaving like a fighter.  Could go on, but you get my point.

'Getting over yourself' is crucial too.  Because you got to know what you 'can't do' in order to do what needs to be done.  The goal remains the same, just different ways to get there.  Going down dealing with the municipal employees, I am GOING to need their help.  So I deal with the rude sneers, though to be honest, there hasn't been much of that.  Just trudge along, and do what I got to get done.

CONCERTS

Ladytron is coming next month ..!  I love that band ... $15 ticket, I am sooo there!  Wouldn't ming going to the Movement festival, but could find that kind of loot ... oh well ...

Started Something I Couldn't Finish ...

NO, REALLY ...

I am chill.

FITNESS, FITNESS ..!

I have some times from 12 years ago when I was training and would crash at my Dad's as he was close to the gym, and I'd be too gassed to drive all the way home.  Anyway, the run I did today, I shaved off 38 seconds from the last run, when I was younger, and theoretically in better shape ..!

Haven't weighed myself, but I feel lighter ..!  Been doing a LOT of walking to get here and there, and that isn't too bad ... anyway ...

THEORY AND PRACTICE

For those who don't know, AKA and Omega are the prime Greek sororities and fraternities for Blacks.  Yes, it seems that a lot of super successful folks were members of those frats/soror house, and there is a cachet of being a member.

AKA girls are notorious for being stuck up and elitist.  My AKA was no exception.  At first, everything about her smacked of snobbery.  So while I put my 'charm offensive' in play, I always was thinking, maybe she just thinks I am cute and would be 'good for the night'.  Perhaps she WAS legitimately charmed by me ...

... or maybe, as I would in time discover, she was a neurotic mess and as her hopes for companionship grew dimmer with every tick of the clock, I appeared like an oasis on her horizon, crossing the burning sands as the rare person who would tolerate her.

'What assails you as an individual, should not complicate you as a person.'  -Calvin, of 'Calvin and Hobbes'

So I just deal with people, like me, hate me, think boxing is barbaric, can't stand my being willing to go to war for 'the man', or my Republican voting record (I keed, I keed ... or not ... I do, but I don't ..!).  Just because you are what you are, doesn't invalidate your humanity.  One of the few things that I will cop to, is that certain people tend to avoid good hygiene like their home countries ... so do city folks in the grip of the poverty mindset ... tit for tat on that!

BUT ... AKA is the biggest fraud of a person I have ever met in my life, including 'the Jew Bastid' who screwed me out of my money and my boxing career (a possible entry ..? There are lost details ...).  I think that she is able to find a comfort level with me, because I don't demand much of her.  I don't have any expectations that she becomes a State Court Justice, and it doesn't bother me that she drives her Dad's car.  If I am her 'lowered expectation' of a potential partner, it doesn't matter, because I control what I think of myself.

AND THAT IS WHEN EVERYTHING CHANGED

I don't know what life has in store for me.  But I feel that I have to want something out of it, otherwise NOTHING is going to happen.  Even before I 'simplified', I knew that I would get in trouble trying to help her unravel herself, not unlike the novice swimmer trying to save someone from drowning.  I am learning still myself, and other than trying to get you into better condition, I am not expert enough on living to help anyone who doesn't want to live for themselves.

She doesn't want to 'be'.  What is the movie ..?  'Failure To Launch'?  That is part of why I wasn't sure if I could talk about AKA, not just that I didn't want to throw rocks out of my glass house, but because she is such a mess, that I couldn't couch things without slamming her.  If someone wants to say, 'But Mark, do you feel that you are taking advantage of someone who cares for you?', okay, you got me.  In her case, I do 100% believe that it goes both ways.  I haven't hidden anything from her, ever.  She is the one who set up the limits of our relationship, and I told her in my best Yul Brenner, "So it is written, so let it be done".  No, I don't feel anything, for the same reason I didn't feel anything remiss about how I left Mookie ... because I told AKA and never once have I played the 'what if' game, or led her to believe that she was loved by me.

Calling her 'a fraud' is even kind.  Man, she is just lost ...

HANDLING THINGS

Won't go clean up at Mookie's until after the 1st.  I am good with that, but I haven't let her know that I am asking for my ring back.  Please, let that go smoothly!  Anyway, still no music, so put on a Go-Go's cd, channel Belinda Carlise and sing 'Vacation' ..!

Oh, a special thanks to Bucko, for his encouraging words ..!  One of the things that I know from hindsight, is that other men have to deal with hurtful, soul-ravaging women.  Women get to lay blame on men for causing scarring, but it isn't as easy for men to have claimed such damage ...

Trust, I am 'Staying On Message' ...

THE EASTERN MARKET<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

Hung out there yesterday with AKA (who will have a ‘character profile’ later in the week …).  She did a barbecue which did not turn out bad at all.  She can cook really, really well.  Stopped by my favorite bakery, <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Astoria downtown which is across from the Greektown casino, and the girl who handled my transaction, guess where SHE was from..?

 

Yes, she was from Nebraska!  We had a short conversation about it, and she assured me that I would like it.  I am pretty ‘assured’ myself!  Not going to ‘look’ for anymore signs that it is the right place for me, just going to work my plan and get myself where I need to be, to get there.

 

It felt cool to be out in the big crowd, and dealing with ‘new’ surroundings.  They are trying to do some things in Detroit, but it has been a long slide down.  I wonder if it can come back, because the erosion has been going on for over 50 years.  As much as I blame Coleman Young for hastening the decline in the mid 70’s to the 80’s, Detroit was on its way down before the riots, before Vietnam.

 

Wonder what made people want to leave?

 

MIS-MASH OF EMOTIONS

 

I hope Hutch is going to ride me up I-96 to get my gear.  I don’t like not having my bike, as it is my ‘independence’, as it were.  Won’t be able to leave it out like I did in the provincial town I lived in, because the knuckleheads here will hack at locks for the sake of doing just that.

 

Sometimes, I have emotions about Mookie.  I can’t see ‘reconciliation’, but I wonder if she is feeling anything for me right now.  She prolly is, but to hear it from her lips would be gratifying in a way.  At this moment, I want my ring back, if for no other reason than it holds significance for me, and I don’t think it meant, let alone means, anything to her.

 

So why should she keep it?  It won’t ever make her look at it and think that ‘she let one get away’.  I do wonder what lil’ Mook is thinking, but it is still too squirrelly to think about calling her …

 

… especially since I haven’t chatted with my Skye.

 

That is another reason I want my bike.  My first wife doesn’t seem to share in my desire for me and our daughter to mend fences, and I can’t say that I blame her.  I say that, because when you are convinced that you are the victim, and that life has done you wrong, your thinking changes the prism you view the world.  Doesn’t matter if anyone agrees with you or not, because the way you present your case, you are going to make sure that you are ‘the good guy’ …

 

*shrugs* okay, I am the bad guy … I know I have been that … so get over it!

 

AS IF YOU WERE WRITING A MEMOIR

 

Isn’t that how you are supposed to write a diary?  As if you were putting your life, your observations to print?  I am wrestling with how I should mention the major players, and how I see them, such as Hutch, my Best Sister, and the like.  For instance, what should I tell you all about AKA, because we are cool, and we can hang like clothes in the closet, that won’t get anyone to think that, ‘hey, he is falling for her, and he ain’t going to try to go nowhere’, without breaking my own personal attitude of not putting anyone else’s business out, and keeping my own counsel about someone faults.

 

Because AKA, as sweet and as nice as she has been to me, has fatal flaws. 

 

I met her some time ago, at some young civic club meeting that one of my then co-workers, Lil’ Magic (from a character on the show, ‘In Living Color’) invited me and my BFF to, thinking she was doing us a favor, letting come to the little bourgeoisie event.  We had accompanied her to other little events, and we would invariably be the stars of the event.

 

This was no exception.

 

My BFF and I were making our little ‘worker bee’ comments, as the aspiring class of people weren’t exactly too stuck up to notice us.  So, I told her that I was going to hit on just one of them, not necessarily to meet that ‘completely wonderful person’, but more to show Lil’ Magic, that her and her stuck up crowd of lonely girls, can indeed be had by alley cat, as she saw me as.

 

That I went and snatched someone who was near the top of her social food chain, was mere happenstance.  That is just how it works, I keep tryin’ to told you ..!

 

PLAYING THE FAST FORWARD

 

So I charmed AKA.  As I normally do, I told her about my ‘early burglary years’, starting with Skye.  She told me over dinner during this conversation that she didn’t think she could ever marry a man with children, giving the reasoning that she would be too jealous of his split attention for his child, and that were he to somehow be inclined to give her the spotlight she would demand, she would wonder how he could take that attention from the child or children and give it to her.

 

I guess we are going to be friends then, eh?  Because Skye was a regular fixture in my life, and I didn’t want to hear what she had for my Carolina girls, with the pompous attitude, she had.  Haven’t mentioned it in awhile, but when someone who hasn’t made it to the title game of ‘Big Dance’, still searching for just a regular date, let alone a steady, wants to tell me about all that they aren’t going to deal with, my thing is to let them be ‘about themselves’, you know?

 

But she found herself attracted to me.  At first, I found this a little off putting, as I always have only ‘liked’ her, and made it clear that I was cool with her opinions and wasn’t going to press her.  She would talk and visit, and we would do things that she liked to do, and I would share in with her.  She has a motorcycle, a Buell, and she enjoyed having me on the back racing around and such.

 

We had good, good times.  I was still fighting, and it was when I got a fight and my car was down, that I realized that despite what she had ‘said’, she was feeling something more than what she was sharing.  She arranged to rent a car, and drove me to where ever the fight was, somewhere in some town.  I won, we had a nice ride there and back, and I figured that I better get to know this woman, because SOMETHING ISN’T RIGHT!

 

BUT BECAUSE THIS IS RUNNING LONG

 

… I am going to stop right here.  I am sure to pick up where I left off, because I am simplifying my life here, because I just need to do what I need to do.  Monday schedule is set, taking paperwork where it needs to be, signing up for what I need to sign up for, and getting home safely, which is all that I have to get done.  But I need to remind myself why I can’t be with AKA, just like how she tried to tell me why she couldn’t be with me …

 

… with the difference being, I can make my reasoning become life policy, and that is that!

 

Enjoy Fields of Nephilim!

London ...

Maybe I rushed the annoucement that I would like to move to Nebraska, but only because I need to get settled in Detroit first, before I start casting my eyes elsewhere.  There isn't anything untrue in wanting to get there, to learn how to farm and tip cows (... oh come on now, I keed, I keed!), and talk about how, "Wisconsin is a party state!", but I have to get settled in Detroit and get down to working on making that happen.  And indeed there is Abigail, a whole lot of Texas between Lubbock and Galveston.

I supposed attibuting that phrase to a 'sadistic drill sergeant' would be an oxymoron, as if there was any OTHER kind of drill sergeant.  I like it, and it works for me!

GUILTY PLEASURE

That is what AOL is for me.  I plan on keeping this screen name up and journal running until I can't.  I will always find enough for the fee in whatever budget I have ... cat food tastes great when fried!  My first screen name was a mash up of my girls name, until I thought that was a security risk.  Markonit@aol.com is kung fu mega cool to me, and no matter where YOU may go out in the virtual world, I plan on being right here ...

... where I always was!

This is NOT yr father's Oldsmobile ..!

... or your Chevrolet!  Still going thru the different stages of decompression, as the Metro Area seems to be going thru its decomposition, the one thing for certain I know is that I have to get away from here.  I can picture Phillp K. Dick finding inspiration for the urban bleakness of 'Blade Runner' sitting in one of the diners around town.  Even the inner ring suburbs, still staunchly anti-Detroit (and subsquently anti- black), are in a decline.  And that brings me to ...

LONDON (Smoke, lingers 'round your fingers)

My Mother raised each of us to 'look away' for a life, one out of Detroit.  So that in our various fashions, each one of us has managed to do that, isn't surprising.  If we can stay away, is the trick, which of course plays alot into my timetable.  I want to make sure I getall the good bye's in as well as the well wishes, becuse this HAS to be the last time for me here.

But that isn't the attiude that I need out on front street.  Folks around here, like in almost every other social sphere, are very polarized.  They either defend Detroit to the end, or they secretly seethe at someone who is shaping a way out of town.  In fact, that you even have somewhere else to go from here, whether it is going back to where you were from, or moving ahead, is enough to inspire jealousy.

That is what I meant by being premature in saying I want to go to Nebraska from here.  I don't want that to slide easily from my mouth, particularly when it is still up in the air, with all I need to get done.  Hutch has volunteered to ride me back to the provencial town Mookie lives in to get my things.  I may just catch the bus, then ask him to come pick me up, spending a day or so up there to MAKE SURE that I cross all my friggin' T's and dot all of my I's.  Even doing that, I don't want to let out of the bag.

Still not 'back' on here, so I am not sure how I will be replying to what other journalists' are doing.  I again want to thank you for sharing YOUR stories, because life isn't all that different for each of us, and how you apply yourself to yours, has given me a guide to apply myself to mine.  So I hope y'all won't mind if my comments are intermittent (thank you, 'word a day page'!) as well as my own ramblings ...

... though the Eagle has landed ...

... this is NOT Tranquility Base ..!

... maybe I haven't really been in Detroit in what, 20 years ..?

The few years that I was here, I didn't get a real strong 'whiff' of what Detroit smells like.  I want to say that I didn't expect to see a paradise, as the older industrial cities are kind of crumbling, but what is going on here, is quite a shock.

But I am adjusting, getting accustomed to the pressure that comes with being in this town.  Each day though, is a challenge, no question about it.  Things are not at all what I had anticipated, but they ARE workable.  It is going to be more 'nose to the grindstone' from here on out.  I don't want to stay in this town, and I don't even think it is safe for me to stay here.

At a downtown Branch of the library today, as I took the first small step to tidying up my affairs in town, I look around at the humanity here.  And again, I have to catch myself before I start to 'feel' the weight of their lives, and what brought them here, as of course, I am not at all too different from the lost souls that sit here with me.

But I do have the workings of a plan. 

SECOND PLACE ... STEAK KNIVES ..!

Nebraska has offered me help in getting settled out there.  Fine and dandy, and that is FIRST PRIZE.  That is what I am going for.  Not going to fret about the romantic part of the relationship, as she has made it clear how she feels about me in that regard.  She wants to help me out as a friend, and that is not bad at all.  It could be worse ... she could just have 'X'ed me out of her life forever.  Her show of concern for me by suggesting that I try it out there in the cornfields meant that she can see something in me that would allow me to fit out there.  That is good enough for me, because I feel something from her that allows me to let her make such a choice for me.

Other than perhaps moving in with my sister in Chicago, there really isn't going to be any waffling around about what I am going to do.  I would think it would take me AT LEAST a calendar year to get set up for something like that, and that is a minimum that won't get changed, unlike leaving Mookie.  In fact, because that did not go as smoothly as I had hoped, the year has to be written in stone.  As it is, I HAVE to go back to tie some things off.

When it comes to going to Nebraska (as opposed to being with Nebraska), I have no illusions.  I would take her friendship, let her point me off to where I need to go, and be grateful and indebted to her for her help.  But I don't think I am a big city cat, not anymore.  Road the bus for an hour one way ... there was plenty of city behind me where I got on, and there is plenty of city ahead of me when I got off.  To be out there in the 'open spaces' between places is not something I want to find myself coping with too often.  Though I am telling myself it has only been a week, the tension is racheted up quite a few notches.

NEW CHARACTERS

Uh, there are too many to note.  Do have a little nephew who I am going to take under my wing ... and I have already spoken with and talked to AKA, who's life resembles the city itself.  I can only shake my head and hope for the best for her.

My first wife and Skye are going to be problematic.  What problems, I don't know, but they are.  I hope to be able to reach an workable relationship with them.  I would think that I would catch up to my BFF and SD, but I am not sure.  Oh, I think there is a fellow journalist or two that I would like to break bread with, just to see how they are doing, for real tho'!

I do try to 'write' things down ... but when I looked back over them notes, I was like, "Why?"

Why remember the first few days of 'decompression', where calling Mookie up and telling her I had made a mistake and begging for her forgiveness, seemed resonable?  Don't need to account for how I felt for the first time in my adult life, like 'prey' as I walked the street, the once middle to low middle class neighborhood now, just low, as the erosion of the middle class continues.  Looking at all the businesses that are not shuttered, but gutted, blackend by fires, and boarded up that were once busy making my heart heavy.

Better to just move on, and deal with what I am dealing with.  There is enough that lies ahead for me to be concerned with.  And I HAVE to do what I am here to do ...

... one side benefit of being in Detroit ... I weigh less here than any other place!  I think that the stress here burns calories for me!  Got on a regular beat up scale and it said 217 ... FULLY CLOTHED!  You can take 3 - 5 lbs. off and whatever you have is still better than what I was at the last weigh in ..!

Cool beans ... kinda ..!

The Fog of War

The Big Three

“Excellence is not a singular act, but a habit.” - Aristotle

The time has come for me to go ‘dark’. This is going to be my last entry until I am settled. The objective is clear as are the challenges. The pre-fight instructions have been given and the trainers have left the ring. The opening bell is but moments away …

… somewhere in between figuring out love, war and sports, I believe that a person stands a very good shot at life. Lessons learned in either of the three can be transferred into one’s real life and if you are good at one, you can learn how to behave in any other sphere of life. This is something I have come to accept as part foundation to my personal philosophy, which is why there is so much talk about love, sports and the odd military reference in my life.

“Going Dark”, is something I am about to do. Time for wishing I had done more roadwork, had finally been able to slip a fast left jab, and keeping my hands up is done. What you have, is what you got to give. And if you don’t think you know what to do, ignore what you don’t know, and believe in what you do.

I have written out a letter for lil’ Mook, as I feel it is better to leave without her seeing than it is for her to face my leaving. That is for her Mother to explain. Will show the draft I have prepared for Mookie, and I hope that I can leave without having to face her. It isn’t that I have the ‘queasy’ about it, not that. In fact, there is a considerable part of me that looks FORWARD to such an event. But as one of my patrons intimated, Carl Von Clauswitz, ‘all care must be given to obtain victory with the least shedding of blood’. To ‘hurt’ Mookie purposefully would be similar to a Phyrric victory. I don’t know of too many relationships that have ended on such calm, if not good, terms. That IS what I wanted, and to have managed to get this far without major flare ups of any kind, is a big win, in a situation where there is no real victors.

Only compromises.

So here is what Mookie will get …

I have given a lot of thought to what I would like for you to know, and it hasn’t been easy coming up with these words. The emotions in my heart go back and forth and back again, changing by the hour. There are some things that aren’t changing, and those are the things that drive my decision.

I am not going to pretend that I do enough to help you out around here, and I don’t pretend that I am the person you expected for a partner. Sometimes, someone that is ‘trying really hard’ and ‘trying to do their best’, isn’t what someone wants to hear when they need something to happen. Were you to ask me ‘why’ that is, I wouldn’t be able to give you a definitive answer, but I would start making excuses. And no one wants to hear excuses when they are looking for what they need.

Also, I realize that I am adding a responsibility to your life, one which you may not reasonably expect relief from. As it is, your life is going to go thru some huge changes, with work, the baby going off to high school, and worrying about your sister in Vegas. I don’t know what else is on your mind, but with that alone, you have more than enough to be concerned with.

There isn’t a lot more for me to say, as we have had enough discussion about ‘us’. I can accept that my trying to be what I thought was a good partner isn’t enough. I have my own issues that are important to me, and I could see where they would become but more burdens for you to bear, as you have enough things that are important for you and your daughter to be concerned with.

The only thing that I can think to ask you, is to encourage lil’ Mook to keep in touch with me. I think of her as one of my own daughters, and I won’t stop loving her as one. As we all have our insecurities, I have told you that one of mine, of feeling like I am getting in someone’s way when they don’t want me around, is one. I won’t bother her at all unless you  mind.

Got to wish you the best. I am sure that everything is going to work out just fine for you.

I hope that I can get most of what I is mine out of here.  I am sure there will be some things I will have to 'get over' not having ... there is ONE thing that I am leaving her with ...

... the Father's day card she gave to me last year.  That's my 'gotcha' ...

Saturday Afternoon Wristing

DUSTOFF

I am going to give Hutch a call, as he is my 'break glass in case of emergency' option.  I don't want to fake through Mother's day as they take Grandma out to dinner as a family.  Then, Memorial Day is at the end of the month ... not looking forward to waiting until June.

Even though I had thought it out ealier in the year, that Labor Day would be optimal, leaving expediciously is best.  I don't talk with Mookie too deep, so I don't know what conflicts she has in her.  Were I to guess, I would get lost.  I have said what I am going to do, and I want to see it get done.  It may not be ending too ugly, but I can't help but feel a little empty inside.  I am so disappointed that I can't stand it ... why can't relationships be like playing for the Detroit Pistons?

SPORTS ... AS LIFE ..!

If I am not mistaken, the Detroit Pistons is prolly the best 'team concept orginaztion' in all of pro sports.  Their recent run of 'very good' basketball is evidence of that.  They have been stable, with changes in core personnel as well as role players, and kept producing.  But on the Pistons, the concept of doing for the team is more than just words, it is a way.

On any given night, one of 8 players can lead the team in scoring.  While there are players who positions require them to be shooting a lot, no one has a problem with letting the cat who is hot, stay that way.  The biggest thing to the team, is to win.  There isn't anything that they wouldn't sacrifice in the way of individual success to get a victory.

Not only that, their top 8 players have had SERIOUS questions as to whether or not they were even GOOD enough to play, let alone be on one of the best teams in the league.  Chauncey Billups, has played on 4 different teams.  Rasheed Wallace had the hot head reputation.  Richard Hamilton didn't have a jump shot and Tayshaun Prince was too fragile.

Y'all get my point.  Together, they are a team that is united in the pursuit of a unified goal.  Each one simply takes his role and does it.  Where and when he has to change, he does.  Simple as that.

I don't understand when someone is like Mookie.  Myopic.  Yes, I like that word, because it is ACCURATE.  Can't see the forest for the trees.  I think and firmly believe that what a person can contribute to the relationship can out weigh what ever 'percieved' negative about them.

... but maybe that is just me ..!

Rules to Live By

EPHIANY CORNER (when will you have yours?)

Chatted up Nebraska for a sec last night.  We had an interesting conversation.  She thinks that I am worried too much about things other than myself.  At first, I furrowed my brow, as initally, I disagreed.  Then I thought, is it that I disagree, or is it that what she said was true?

I slept on it, and kept on with today's program.  Found out what to do at DHS, which was simple enough.  Stopped at Target to pick up another storage bin to put stuff in.  Oh, picked up my reading glasses from the optical place!  Whoo hoo!  And I kept turning over the bug Nebraska had put in my ear ...

... that is when I went and got out my 'Rules To Live By'.

NO, I DO MEAN JUST THAT

It isn't what was said, but 'how' ( as much as you can intone or inflect words over the 'net) that bothered me.  Once I got over myself, I did some actual thinking about it.  Am I worrying about the wrong things?

In my late 20's, early 30's, I went through a particularly rough period.  I looked back and saw that as much as I tried to change and adapt, that I wasn't getting the results that I wanted out of life, out of myself.  Now, for those who think that I am sorta deep NOW ... THEN with my head struggling with Campbell and Kierkegaard, and the Bilderberg Group and the New World Order ... *sigh*, I was trying to be deep, but it occured to me that 'deeper' wasn't what was meant for me to be.  I decided at that moment, to just be what and who I am, and accept me as flawed and imperfect, and validate myself.  I knew who I was, and I knew what I hoped to be. 

Still, I was unfocused.  I thought about life, and saw patterns to it, and what was going on.  So I started 'taking notes', from books and television, from people out on the street, and compiling quotes from everywhere.  Some of them stood out more than the others, and the words felt hot like burning in my head.

And they became my 'Rules To Live By'.  Though I didn't put them in order of significance, the first one is there because it is the most important: Answer questions on what's best, never what's easy.  In saying that, and doing it, people want to believe are two different things.  But once you start doing that, the conflict disappears.

Nebraska's scolding reminded me that I was getting lost in things beyond my control.  And sure enough, I looked at my 'Rules', and sitting there in black and white, was this; "If you fix your eyes upon details and neglect important things, your spirit will becom bewildered, and victory will escape you."  And so I was.  Letting the 'victory' slip through my fingers.

The time is now, to get my gear together.  Then co-ordinate with my Dad.  The loose stuff, will have to be loose.  The momentum of making the best decision has a certain air to it, that has things fall into place.  Getting out and away, that is the important thing.  Lil Mook has her letter/talk written out.  Don't have any words for Mookie, and not saying catty stuff won't hurt me.  Wish her the best, and yes, even a thank you for our time together.  What I have learned about myself is invaluable ...

... and since my Dad is having trouble with his truck, I may have to hatch another plan.  Nothing like the unforseen to crop up ..!

Sunset

WHERE YOU ARE, AIN'T NO GOOD UNLESS YOU CAN GET AWAY FROM IT ...

Yesterday was a good, but long day.  I am looking at my things, trying to pick thru what can be left out and thrown on top of the storage bins my things are in.  Oh, and I am very, very anxious!

I lost track of the days.  Thought that today was the 30th, and I did not know for sure that today was Thursday.  Thought the 3rd was Sunday not Saturday.  For some reason, leaving on Sunday, or preferrably Monday, makes me feel like the mission would be less complicated.  Am glad that it is my Dad coming to get me, which takes a LOT of worry out of this.  Though I don't anticipate things getting hairy, knowing that I am 'covered' eases a lot of the stress in my mind.  I would like to THINK I am as 'don't mess around' as he is.

He is coming to this provincial town to get his son.  Don't front.

When I was at the library yesterday, I spoke to one of the girls who works the information desk, as we have developed a friendship over the years, thru my frequenting the library and going to the various sponsored events and book clubs.  A little bit of my emotions slipped out, as I let her know I was leaving and that I was saying goodbye, because my relationship is ending.  She is struggling in her marriage, and listening to her, I recognized all the elements and could have told her why she was having her problems.  But I didn't.

I did allow that I was at a loss as to Mookie's behavior.  Perhaps she doesn't know how to be 'married' because she doesn't want to be, you know?  Something that if it happens, it happens, but she has no 'intent' to make it a part of her life.  And I told her how when I put this into perspective to the 'Big Three' relationships of my life, how for me, this is 'different' but for her, it is the same.

And I allowed for my feelings for lil' Mook, and how that confused me a little as well.  I know that some people make things work for the children, and I would have thought that would factor into our relationship as well.  But it doesn't seem to mean anything to her.  Now, were lil' Mook 5 or 6, she I may eventually fade from her mind when she reaches her teens ... but now, I am helping to shape the young woman she is to become, and I just would have thought ... anyway, she is going to miss me whether she knows it or not ...

... for the rest of her life.

I told her how I liked my prospects, and between my inner confidence and my experience, I will manage my way through.

HOW BIG MARK EXPLAINS IT ALL

No, really.  That is what they call me.

Now, me and Mookie don't have sex too often, and that was BEFORE we started having bigger problems, as I guess we were always having them.  Anywho, I have never had to be a 'pleading cat' to get mine, and that is from the very first time.  She ASKED ME if I wanted to 'come over'.

From the beginning, it has always been about informed, mutual consent.  I never had to play 'tag', trying to be 'intimate' with a person.  For the most part, I look at being intimate like this: the partner has a choice.  She can say 'no', but then it is on her to be more aggressive and initiate things, or she can trust my judgement and concede.  The reasoning is, I don't actually 'want it' myself every day ... in my mind 5 - 8 times a month, particularly at my age, is MORE than enough.  Though some months may be at at 2-3 event kind of thing, other months would prolly be an 8 - 10 events.  Not to mention the quarterly 'special events' ...

It is easy for me to controll my hormones, as it has been something I have done for most of my life, trying to box and all.  Now, I am in a relationship for other reasons than the physical anyway.  I thought to mention this, as Mookie looked very nice when she left for work this morning.  I will be glad not to walk into a bedroom, full of her scent, with her ghost walking around with me as I make the bed.

Won't have to go into the bathroom, full of her products, her towel hanging on the door with her night gown, her brushes and hair scattered, reminding me of the person they belong to ...

Love her still ..?  Sure do!  Want to be with her ..?  Nope, you haven't been reading long have you ..!

Plan on seeing her again ..?  Not if I can help it!