... as I was saying ...

... to the young man ...

I told him how even though I was secular, that I do believe sincerely in the harmony of the spirit to the 'oneness' of the universe.  I don't ask 'why' as much as I may ask, 'aw, do I have to?', but I like to think if I had obey those whispering a little bit more, my life would be different ...

... but I will take what I got.  Because there aren't many that can say that they even got within hailing distance of their dreams.  The game STILL isn't over, and I can still expect to reach the things that I am supposed to have.

That was when I learned that he aspired to ministry.  I was a little shocked, not so much of what he said, but by what I was doing.  Like I say about choices I have made, decision of mine weren't based on anything that could be 'seen' as much as they could be 'felt'.

I told him that this was more than likely a good sign for the both of us.  Doesn't mean we are going to get to where we are going, but just maybe we are on the right path, for both of us, because faith is and internal, indvidual thing.

I shook his hand, perhaps for the last time.  There was a tear in my eye, looking around the employment center.  No, I don't know what exactly lies ahead for me, but I can see what is behind me ...

FURTHER SEEMS FOREVER

And it is, and it is.  In the song, '80 Windows' by Nada Surf, the singer sings that 'the moon is closer to the sun, than I am to anyone.'  That is what 'eternal goodbyes' make me feel like.  The people I see, that I have grown accustomed to seeing as I bip and bop around town, I more than likely will absoulutely never see again, nor have the inclination to want to see.

The young girl who was working with me, I told her thank you for her time and effort.  She was a HUGE improvement over my first case worker, and I had wanted to make sure her supervisor knew, instead of a simple phone call or email.  But she wasn't, and we just sat and talked.

We talked a little about the young man, and I told her that the one study that I made at her church seemed MEANT for me to hear.  Funny how those things work, isn't it?

I told her much like I told the young man, that I 'felt' her, and though she will take her degree and do her thing (this was just a 'job' to pick up after graduating Moo U) , that what ever it is she wants from her life, I can see it out there for her.

For the first time, I let from my lips to someone that Mookie didn't want me.  I opined that it seems that women, specifically sisters, have a hard time discovering what they want in a man ... and part of that is my fault, but hey, when you get up past your 30's, you should have a good idea of how you are going to behave and expect to be treated in a relationship ... and how that corresponds with each other.

I didn't bore her with any more.  Since the library is one the way back to the house, I decided to stop and put my thoughts down.  Another journalist is also making a big change in her life, and I feel her as well.  Some of the elements of her move are similiar to some of the experiences in my life, and I wonder what she is feeling ..?  Because of her, I have a better understand of what I was putting my Mother thru, getting on airplane to fight everywhere ... and what she HAD to have been feeling as I bounced from place to place, in 'leaves no footstep had trodden black.'

While the relationship wasn't a 'repeat', it still is ending.  New lessons, and new hurts.  I understand what makes some fearful about getting out there again.  With learning more about yourself, you are also increasing the depth of emotion you can hold, and the amount of pain you can bear.

That is one of the things I had to find out about myself.  Anyone see the movie '300'?  A lot of cats want to believe, want to think that they could have walked with the Spartans, and stood agains the Persians.  Maybe there is something like that in relationships, and I had failed miserably in previous tests.  Though I may have issues on how you interact with a higher power, I have not a doubt that one exists.  I have had too many things happen to me to not believe there is something beyond me.

ONLY TIME

It isn't like I have a lot to 'keep' me in Detroit.  As I was telling my worker, dressed in a 'Carolina blue' addias hoodie, with  navy skully with the letters 'NC' hooked in its familiar Carolina logo, there is no doubt where my heart is at.  My Dad and his family may need me, and my daughter may just fall head over heels, real 'daughter - Father' love with me, and embrace her sisters, and we REALLY have a 'State Fair' summer (great movie!) one day soon.

I watched a quirky 'Mark movie', 'Garden State' with Zach Braff of 'Scrubs' in it.  In his character, he is drawn back home and he is going thru some things.  He meets a quirky but sweet (is there any other kind of girl in these kinds of movies for the hero to meet?) and in that relationship over the week they are together, he makes new discoveries about himself ...

DEEP ... HOW DEEP ...?

(DEEPER THAN ATLANTIS) They fall in love ... as he is at the airport, he has an epiphany about himself, about his life.  Though he admits to her that she has change his life in the short time they are together, he still has to go...

The girl runs off and cries in a phone booth as he makes his way to his boarding area ... he comes running back to her and he says even though he is messed up, well here are the lines ...

[Last lines]
Sam: What are you doing?
Andrew Largeman: Remember that idea I had, about working stuff out on my own, and then finding you once I worked stuff out?
Sam: The ellipsis?
Andrew Largeman: Yeah, the ellipsis, it's dumb. It's dumb. It's an awful idea. I'm not gonna do it, okay? Cause like you said, this is it. This is life. And I'm in love with you... I think that's the only thing I've ever really been sure of in my entire life. And I'm really messed up right now, and I got a whole lot of stuff I have to work out, but I don't want to waste any more of my life without you in it. And I think I can do this. I mean, I want to. I have to, right?
Sam: Yeah. Yes!
Andrew Largeman: So what do we do? What do we do

 

... I have done that for a 'Sam' before ... and will again ... but unlike Andrew Largeman, my 'get together' stuff won't keep, and doesn't travel well.  I have do what I have to do.  BUT, I know once I finish my work, I will be ready yet again ...

... to run headlong into the seas of life, and love, all in the pursuit ..!

 

Halfway Between the Gutter and the Stars

SOMETIME NEXT WEEK ...

Dad's truck is down.  Just as well.  Maybe I can relax a little bit.  Wrote up what I will say/leave for the baby ... will have to at least write up something for Mookie.  I don't want to talk to her, not out of fear, but because I don't want to hurt her.

Honestly, deep down I don't care to hurt her feelings.  I want her to be able to go on and deal, just like I am going to have to dust myself off, and get it together.  Saying that and doing it, is a challenge, because I am human, and the element that wants to make SURE she feels something akin to pain, is strong.

Verbally, I could carve her heart out.  But what if I am wrong, or worse yet, she uses what I say as motivation to go on and become Super Mookie, adored neighbor, wife and Mother?  THAT would bother me, more than cutting her up with my tongue would make me feel good.  As long as she doesn't get in my way, and I don't anticipate her doing anything like that.

At the library, because I had to tell one of my job consuelor's good bye.  I will see the other one tomorrow, as she got called out of the office.  Fortunately for me, the young cat who I speak to when I see him was at the employment center, and we had a very nice chat.  Seems he is interested in the MINISTRY of all things!  I found that out in the middle of our conversation, after I had told him, the reason that I always had words for him, is that something told me to talk to him, and that there was something out there for him, and I had to give him something to keep him on his way.

I have spoken to him about my boxing, and I offered to him myself as today's lesson.  It seems something I had said, about it not being about you, not being about what you want, had resonance for him.  I explained that there was a time I had three very good choices to make in my life, nearly all converging on one another.  My boxing, the military, and college.  I chose boxing.

Now choosing that in hindsight wasn't a bad choice ... might have been the least of three good choices, but it was my choice.  The thing that wasn't about me, was that my vision wasn't 'pure' and I knew that when I lost my 'cup of coffee' with the big time.

There was nothing wrong with that, but it was my reaction to it that made me fail.  I knew right away that my vision wasn't complete, wasn't thorough, 'pure'.  Because of that, I would soon be lost, and instead of having different roads, I soon was in the woods.  The cleaner, the more complete the vision, the more likely you are to reach it.

And if you don't exactly reach your goal?  I told him, say you want to be the next Jay-Z, but someone wants you to help do some production work ... next thing you know, you are the next Quincy Jones!  Not what you set out for, but hey, who wouldn't want to be the next Quincy Jones!

Shoot for the stars, and if you land on the moon, don't worry about what those still on earth say!  Again, using myself as an example, I have fought, I have traveled, and have been RIGHT THERE.  Why should I care about what someone who never dared themselves say about me ... con't.

In the Safe and Stable Homes ...

FITNESS, FITNESS ..!

See, I am eating Butterfingers like there is no tomorrow … and though I haven’t been chasing them down with Soda, ALL OF THEM at least, I’ve been not as diligent about what I am consuming as I would like to be.

No Missy, I am not getting on the scale.

Right now it is a critical time for me. Getting on that scale would throw me off my stride, and I don’t need to be worried about that. And that is why I use the term ‘fitness’ instead of ‘weight loss/management’. See, weight loss means you have to DIET, and it is more difficult to work out of a negative to get a positive, than the other way around. By ‘fitness’, you are becoming more spiritually aware of yourself and your limitations, and you can slowly increase your boundaries, in a measurable way.

Today, I did what I call a ‘shuttle run’. I used this when I am combining my running with errands in the general area. Took me an ‘easy hour’, as I ran at a simple double-time, enjoying the morning sun. Did some stretches and later in the evening, some work on the chair and some abs- wheel to finish the day. Good enough, because with ‘work’, you don’t worry about ‘if’ something is allowed … YOU KNOW.

You know with no doubt, no shades of gray that you have done something to benefit you. You can feel it when you flex your bicep from swinging your arms when you are walking. When you pull off your shirt and you see you stomach tense and you can notice the winking of your abdominal. And of course in the shower, when your wash your butt cheeks and there is a little less ‘Jell-O’ to them and more solid a feel there.

All that is positive. That isn’t including the natural endo-rush that exercise provides. All this is first level consciousness, and like learning, nothing anyone can say or do, can change what YOU DID. Tangible, no guessing. One of the big things I like to hear is when someone says to me, ‘Hey, I saw you running way over there, and you finished up here?’, amazed at what I DID. Not what some diet guide told me, not what some crap piece of non-filling food is supposed to do, but something I achieved from straight effort, something that pays IMMEDIATE dividends.

After a nice walk, pay attention to how you calves feel. Remember that feeling, because if you can keep it up, it will last and not go away. Unlike a weight loss goal, you won’t be disappointed in getting fit. Your cardiovascular system IS improving, and you ARE able to more.

I tend to look at my weight every week to ten days, and not to fret if I am a little high, but to make sure I give myself a pat on the back. If I come in a pound or two (or even, gasp three!) up, I ask myself, ‘Did I do the work?’ which is did I do any exercise. If I answer ‘yes’ to that, I am not too bothered, as it means to ‘step away from the Little Debbie’s and stop going to the Grand Mackinaw shop (can’t remember the name, can remember the good pastries and coffee!) and get back on message.

… IT IS LIKE THE ROBERT SMIGEL CARTOON …

‘Divertor’ was the name of a little snippet he put together for ‘SNL’, that mocked how the government would need something to take the attention off of their failings … and since Brittney is down, and Lindsay Lohan has her panties ON, lets bring out MILEY CYRUS!!

First of all, the joke is definitely on us. This isn’t a mere novice, this is the product of a well orchestrated marketing move. There is a great number of us who recognize this. I remember something about Brooke Shields when she was a kid… an ad or a movie, something. Man, what was the hoo-haw about that? Her Svengali was moving her, and it served her well. How much more of a ‘career move’ was this, considering her father has extended his 15 minutes into a decent enough career, and is willing to remain where he is at so that his daughter can take the ball and cross the goal line.

The one shot that I have seen, with her in the black and white with the bright lipstick on, IS NOT BAD AT ALL. Considering that ANNIE LEBOWITZ did the shoot, I thought it was actually tame. For those you who aren’t aware, Annie Lebowitz is easily one of the best photographers around, and she can take a rock and make it look sexy.

Another thing, it was in ‘Vanity Fair’, which is what you need to know about the big ‘controversy’. KT doesn’t read that magazine, and if Lexxie did, it would be to take notes, as she imagines herself in the public eye. Lil’ Mook is too urban to get that caught up in ‘Hannah Montana’, and Skye is a ‘prog rock’ girl … it would ruin her ‘slacker cred’ to be worried about that, besides, she is in high school … ain’t too many high schoolers still watching ol’ Miley.

The reason I think it is an alleged controversy is this, THE NYMPHET SYNDROME. It affects both sexes, and that is why there is so much noise about it. Unlike what is going on in Texas, which is morally repugnant, no matter WHAT you have as a faith, this is a little more complex and forces us to visit the ‘darker places’ in our souls.

For some, men and women, seeing a young woman, looking SULTRY not SEXILY through a camera, makes something inside of THEM move. And it frightens them. So there is a big hoo-hah, about something that virtually NO ONE in Miley’s ‘target demographic’ will even see. So how is that going to influence anyone? Perhaps was it on the cover, and you go to a Barnes and Noble with your little lass or lad, and they see ‘Hannah’ looking over her bare shoulder, back out, they MAY ask and want to know why she doesn’t have on any clothes …

So what do you tell them?

With Lil’ Mook, singing some of what passes for ‘music’ on the urban radio stations, sometimes the lyrics catch my ear, and I ask her about them. Then I give her my parental, ‘Hmm …’ and sometimes I may add a comment or two and go on. That is what involvement is. See, she is now aware of something that she didn’t see is in those words. I have already made a point of telling her about what some songs are saying and how people let them ‘tell how’ to behave.

Yeah, the big noise is about what Miley is doing to ADULTS. You don’t want your daughters to be objectified, stop buying them those hoochie clothes, and show them how a young lady is supposed to act. And while you are at it, GET OVER YOURESELF! Your time has come and passed, you were never cute enough to be objectified ladies, and guys, the reason you grew up and STILL didn’t get to meet the ‘Hannah Montana’s’ of your time, is because you are still a crap cat!

Whew! I didn’t get into my thing, cause I got to get that out of my way first. Will call my Dad in a little while to see what’s what. Cross your fingers!

... cause I don't WANNA go to sleep ..!

... from the FOG ...

Later today, this afternoon, early evening, I plan to call my Dad, to see if indeed he is going to be able to make the trip this week.  Still haven't tipped my hand, at least I think I haven't.  The recent inspection that was held by the townhome whatever, has given me the excuse to keep 'straightening' thing, moving stuff, to make things 'neat'.  At least that is the excuse I am giving.

I like to believe that I know myself.  That, and I do think I am a keen observer of behavior.  Something is going on with Mookie, and the thing is, I am not going to go too deep into it.  What ever 'observation' I do of her, is only to make sure that I can get clear.

Should my Dad come Thursday or Friday, I will ask him to hang on until she gets home from school.  I would rather look her in the face and say goodbye.  Should he make it Saturday, cool, because then I could look MOOKIE in the face and say good bye ...

... now, should it break like that, it will be all I can do from verbally reaching into her chest and pulling out her heart.  But I won't, because that isn't what this is about.  Let her be, and I will be able to move on, and hopefully so will she.

WHAT MADE MOOKIE A GOOD CHOICE

I was Mookie's first boyfriend out of high school.  I was also her first 'partner', and she is the only person that I've 'de-flowered'.  She knows both sides of my family as well as my sibs, remembering them from their 'wee bonnie lass'  days.  My Mother liked her a lot.

So when we got back together, I was very happy, because I would like to think that my Mom was enjoying that I had found someone that she felt was going to be good for her son.  My step brother used to have a crush on her, and my step mom thought she was a sweet girl.  And even Hutch remembered her.

There is no other person who could have such a prescence in my life.  I thought that would be cool, to have someone who brought all those positive things to the table.  Talk about being vetted and stamped, Mookie has all of that! 

But adult Mookie isn't quite the Mookie I expected her to be.  Did I think she would be 'nose wide open' like she was once?  No, I couldn't have, especially not after I told her about my days away from her.  But she, in my words, 'accepted the challenge' and let me in her life.  I TOLD HER that I expected to marry her, and that I was only going to do this, if she had the same intention.

She may say something different, but even my B.F.F knew what was going on when I told her about Mookie.  That is another reason why I don't feel too strong of a pull on my heart.  I know I did what I said I was coming here to do.  PERIOD.  My B.F.F also told me that since she knew that I was committed to making this work, that I better get used to this, because she would never change ...

... I got the email in my pocket, and saved on AOL ... so I AM SURE of what I say here now. I wanted to try, because Mookie has always meant a lot to me, and I thought that I was showing it by giving her a chance to be with me, now that I wanted to be committed to one person, in the way that I should have been before.

Which is how I have stomached a lot of what has gone on.  Good and happy marriages go thru their spots, and some start off wobbly and end up just fine.  There are elements to make a good relationship, just not one formula.  As long as it adds up to 'happy', it is fine.

This ain't 'happy'. I am not 'fine'.  Hope everything is cool on my Dad's end of things ...

Grinding Away ...

FOCUS, FOCUS ...

What do I need to do to get ready?  I am going to call my Dad tomorrow to make arrangements as to when I should expect him.  Both of us are about tired of looking at one another ... could just be me, because I know I am acting ... Got a slight headache, and feel a little fatigued.  I didn't go anywhere this afternoon, and I had to cancel for next week as well. 

I know she has noticed me moving my stuff around, but she doesn't have a good idea of 'when' it is going to happen.  It seems to be standard for her, from what I am to understand.  Still trying to 'read and react' and I am closer to being ready to 'act' ...

Hope everything goes as I expected ... can't promise to talk to lil' Mook, because I am not driving the truck.  I did ask her if she knew that I loved her ... she wasn't sure ... which is cool.  But I told her that I did love her, and that she can ask or talk to me about whatever she would like ...

There is more than enough blame to go around.  I can't tell what Mookie's problem is, because she herself doesn't know.  And I don't get paid to help her figure it out.  My main interest in maybe talking with her, is more akin to a 'relationship pathologist', to find out why she let this relationship die, and what outside factors (like, ME) contributed to her being this way.

I don't want to run into another girl with what ever it is she has.

'The Today Show' is doing 'Where In The World Is Matt Laurer' this week, and he starts off in Buenos Aires!  What a beautiful city!  I don't know if I am going to be up for much international travel in the future, but it is hard not to put Buenos Aires on my 'to do' list!  The report Matt is talking to, a native of Argentina who keeps coming 'home' despite living in other countries ... and from what I could see, who could blame her?  What really got me is that she said they had a 97% literacy rate!  Unbelievable!  Even if it was an exaggeration, it just goes to show how much REAL EMPHASIS other countries put on learning.  I try to tell anyone who would listen, that it isn't just prep school Buffy and Chip that are the competition ... it really is the world.  There are smart kids everywhere, and they are hungriers because their parents want it for them as well.

Anyway, Matt also went to Patagonia ... just breathtaking.  And to be so near to the Antartic would be a lifetime thrill ... wonder if I could get Nebraska to go with me ...

AIRCRAFT CARRIERS ...

... are utterly AMAZING

Five floating acres ... over 5k in personnel ... 'floating city' indeed.

The Pistons seemed to play better when I didn't watch the game, so I turned to PBS and checked out 'Carrier'.  I have been fascinated by Aircraft Carriers because they are so HUGE.  And what goes on, should be impossible.  The take off and landing of jets on a boat floating in water ... INCREDIBLE.

Listening to the young Naval personnel talk about how they came to the decision to join the service, with a little piece of their background peeking through certainly took me back.  I have thought that I could have used a bit more seasoning, and stayed for a second tour.  And though it was for the most part, a 'peacetime service', you don't train like it is just for fun, and then when you DO get deployed, you know it is for real!

The kids on the carrier, working in a dangerous situation as a matter of routine, not a specific mission is something that gets taken for granted.  People get busted up, learning how to defend the country and to make it safe ... they can even be KILLED training.

This episode had one of the glo-sticks that they are worn at night on deck floating in the water.  The ship went on a 'lock down' so that they could account for everyone on board ... it was a false alarm, and boy, the XO was HOT!  You don't play games like that, not in the service, without causing things to happen.  On 'Carrier', the young people got to tell what brought them to the decision to join the service, and I heard some of the reasons I used to sign up.

Even though I wasn't in a 'combat job', watching this episode reminded me that we all played a part in what makes the unit function.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE FROM ..?

That is something that I have been asking myself a lot lately.  Not as a physical place, but where are you from in terms of outlook, state of mind ... where are you from mentally.

The Army reinforced things that I had always wanted to believe in, how commitment, perserverance and unified effort can overcome most anything.  That is why I possibly could have used another 4 year tour in OD Green.  I keep reminding myself that part of me and Mookie's problem is due her being able to understand that principle ... but for a while, I didn't myself.  I am not 'single' because I did everything right myself now ...

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Mookie was upstairs watching 'National body Challenge'.  First, she was a little stunned, as she would look at the girls, and one she thought was bigger than she is ... and she wasn't!  Now, I am still feeling a little hurt, and there is still a small, small part of me that wants some answers from her.  So because I look at fitness as something for a couple to do (it isn't a requirement or anything, but if someone keeps saying something about it, then hey, I am RIGHT HERE ... don't need Bob or Jillian!) together, and tighten their bond.

So with one simple question, all those 'what happened' and 'why' kinds of questions were bundled up nice an tight into one: "Are you thinking about joing the National Weight Loss Challenge'?  An affriming answer would have had me putting on my thinking cap, as to how I am going to get out of here.  But Mookie isn't into how I think, and offhandedly replied as I expected ... and to think, I used valueable mental capacity to record such a stupid answer.

With that, all the things that most people want to ask during a break up, was answered.  From 'What went wrong?' all the way through to 'Do you want to give it one more try?'  Because anyone who could give an answer as stultifying as the one she gave ... I don't want to wish ill on her, but she will get left with what she deserves when I leave ...

.... alone.

 

 

 

Random, Random ..!

IT'S TOO LATE (Sondre Lerche)

Shufflin' through the Real Player and getting my music off of here.  MAN!  There are over 2400 songs of MINE on here!  Bet her computer runs faster when I am gone ... geez!  Don't know if anyone is into Joyce Carol Oates, but I am in to her a little (she likes boxing, doesn't she?? more than enough reason for me to like her!!) and she was interviewed on NPR this morning.  I am interested enough to sniff out her latest piece, but the interviewer asked her how she was coping with the death of her husband of 40 years.  Her answer was insighful, as she said she feels as if she is operating at '40 % effiecency' and that maybe she will get some of it back.  But that she tires easily, and constantly feels 'tired'.

Something I thought I would share before I dive into my own little mess.

Today would be a GREAT day to make the 'great escape'!  The girls are in church ALL DAY and it would take me more than 30 minutes to throw this in the back of a truck and scoot!  But I have several appointments this week that I would like to keep, and more good byes to have, like at the QD up the street.  They have put up with me all this time, never once rushing me, and always taking the time to make sure I have what I came to get.  People are good, if you let them be good.  That has been something I've had to 'learn'.  I mean, honestly, I need to lean on people now, and I AM going to do it.  My instincts are still reliable, and I just KNOW that my story doesn't in with a headline with "Tragic", or "Sad" in it!

Another thing about this, and I am wondering what is going to come of it, is lil' Mook and our relationship.  My style isn't to force myself upon someone, and whatever her Mother is going to do, is going to decide what happens.  I am going to miss her, because though I never wanted to be a father, I only thought of names of girls ... guess like they say women married their Dad, I was out trying to make my Mom!  Anyway, I have told her on occasion that she is as much a daughter to me as any of my own ... she shares a name with one.  I hope she does keep in touch.

AN EAGLE IN YOUR MIND (Boards of Canada)

So, what is payback?  I am taking a break from getting my gear together, as I am going to get the 'visible' things put up before I get to all my music.  The thought has occured to me that I could do a 'vanishing' and be gone one day during the week, with the girls out.  But then I would be like the previous camper, and he is to me what the house tabby is to a jaguar ...

... not on the same level.

Besides, my DAD is coming to get me.  I want people to see what she is getting rid of.  I am sure that a couple of the neighbor ladies wouldn't mind trying to 'recycle'!  She has family next door, so there is going to be some talk in her 'tree', and uncles and cousins whispering at the cookout.  That is payback enough, having her business out front.  Even if they don't talk about it directly, it is going to be on their minds.

Other than that, what worry of it of mine anyway?  Does Mookie hurt, does she not ... honestly, it doesn't matter to me.  Whatever is going to be written in her book, evidently doesn't include me.  I am looking forward to what lies ahead ... not what I am leaving behind ...

THE BELL PHENOMENON

That is what my legs feel like when I put on my jeans.  Like now, no one really has noticed (I am sure Mookie has, but doesn't know how to communicate it ... and you STILL wonder why I am leaving ..?), and that is because weight loss is a gradual thing.  Another reason I place importance on becoming fit and trying to change how you see yourself before you try to measure yourself by the scale.

Someone new coming into my life, they won't see the heavier Mark, they will see me as I am.  That is never going to change, people see you for what you are, not what you think you are.  Being fit is as much about mental exercise as anything.  You have to believe that what you are doing is positively affecting you and your life.  Fitness changes your lifestyle.

When I was an amateur boxer, I realized what boxing was doing for me, keeping me focused on the gym and training, opposed to being out in the streets wandering aimlessly.  Coupled with the other activities I was doing, it would have beenhard for street life to gain traction in my life.

So that is the biggest benefit of fitness.  It soaks up 'wasted time', converts it to a positive thing, and leaves you with the perspective to love those who are in your life, and stand up to your challenges.  You want to lose weight, so you may as well start by working at it ... and the other things are 'extras' that you don't even know you are getting!

PERSONAL PATHOLOGY

PERSONAL PATHOLOGY

So I made two entries referencing my Dad this week. Reading over them, I guess they seem kind of confusing, and I would like to clarify them, since I am ‘sharing’ this.

I have no doubt that I have fallen short of fulfilling my potential. Not looking for anyone to weep for me, but it needs to be said. I just figured it was time to start paying attention to the lessons that life has assigned me.

People say that I think too much. I feel that I don’t think enough. Many mistakes I have made have been ‘unforced errors’, things that did not have to happen because life had told me what to do, and which way to go. That is what half-listening will do for you.

So my Dad was on my mind. I am tired of living here, because I still care about both of the Mook’s. Mookie still likes me, but she is SOOO not in love with me. At the top of the week, I had enough. I started thinking about my Dad, and what I will have to say to him, because you don’t call him if you aren’t going to do something. I am the same way. You need something done, give me a buzz. You want someone to cry with, call your girlfriend.

I had to take the idea and roll it around in my mind at first, THEN actually call him. When you make a ‘commitment cut’, you may as well go forward. Had to make sure that indeed, this is what I wanted to do. Feel better as far as my health on ALL FRONTS, and I am not going to see my Carolina baby for the summer. THERE IS NO REASON for me to stay here.

RANDOM, RANDOM

Mookie invited me to go shopping with her and lil’ Mook! As I need to stretch out anyway, I went on with them. I know what it COULD have been, but even if it was, Mookie still got a little catty with me. I was able to blow it off, because I don’t need to look at it as allowing anything in our relationship. Besides, I wanted the challenge of walking around the strip, keep up with the large crowds, and looking at the clothes! Little secret … I LIKE SHOPPING! My friend AKA, would be amazed watching my approach to shopping … FOR ANYTHING.

And again, a fellow journalist was able to help me thru this day. I started thinking about Malagutigrrl, and how she deals with shopping with her Mom. I know how much I respect how she ‘cowboy up’ to going out with her Mom. Yes Angel, I have my moments to, in large crowds. But I don’t want to think I am not able to cope, so I went. I think I did pretty good, helped Mookie pick out a nice dress, that she was too scared to pick up, as it was out of her ‘comfort zone’ (talk about a candidate for ‘What Not To Wear’ ..!), and I walked around with lil’ Mook while she shopped some alone.

Because it was windy this morning, and I didn’t get a decent recharge out of my sleep, I went for a walk this morning (3 mi.). After shopping, with my eyes seeing sparks, my feet sore, I took a walking stick and went out and did two and a half more miles! Sitting here, still thinking I am going to do a little more as far as stretching out and stuff, I think I am going to do just fine going home!

TAKING A PEEK …

At what my immediate future holds. Will have to get all new medical stuff … may still keep with my current therapist, only maybe once a month. Need to get away from that, I think, because if I can’t, then what good am I to anyone? Still I am very grateful for the help he has been for me.

Other than the visit I owe Nebraska for coming out to Chicago, I don’t expect to be dealing with ‘the fairer sex’ for a nice while, not as a far as a relationship goes. I can feel the scars on my heart, and though they are healing, it is going to take a minute. Won’t rush into anything for a bit … won’t put anything out until after the New Year … maybe Valentine’s Day so I won’t feel obligated on EITHER holiday!

Now THAT is some good goat thinking’!

THE FOG OF WAR

"The great uncertainty of all data in war is a peculiar difficulty, because all action must, to a certain extent, be planned in a mere twilight, which in addition not infrequently — like the effect of a fog or moonshine — gives to things exaggerated dimensions and unnatural appearance." -Carl Von Clausewitz

 

Last night, Nebraska sent an email saying how she had seen on the tele people poking fun at Sec. Of Defense Rumesfeld telling the press about “… the things we know we don’t know …”. I like it, because he actually made sense, not just to me, but to ANYONE who is involved with dealing with sensitive information, but has to be the public face for the whole shebang. Now my man, Carl Von Clausewitz had a more elegant description for what Rummy was trying to ‘not say’. I also think that it is an appropriate approach to how the ending of a relationship, should be handled.

We often say or have heard it said that someone is ‘too close to see’ or that they are thinking with their ‘head in the clouds’ or are ‘in a fog’. I think that Von Clausewitz explains how it happens, militarily. Not saying that I am all into this or that (as if this and that’s related), but I do understand combat and tactics better than I ever will the inner workings of a woman! So, I am going to work with it.

AND THAT BRINGS ME BACK …

Working from where you work from best! Try to convert things into something you can handle reasonably well, and then deal with it. I can’t stress that enough. I am sitting here, and I know that there is part of me that doesn’t want this to end. If I let myself think like ‘Mark, the cat shackin’ up with Mookie’, I could find myself in an even MORE untenable situation. But if I make it a boxing match, or a war game, or even what would I tell a sister as their big brother, I can handle it.

… ‘sides, I am like at ‘6 days and a wake up’ from going back to the world!  Even if Mookie is wondering if it there is anything to be done, there isn't ... inviting me out isn't going to make a difference to me, not this close to the extraction date ..!

... how NOT to leave a break up ..!

DURAN DURAN ..!

Okay, I like music.  But there is some music that while enjoyable, I don't need to here right now.  Like I READ others journals, and a couple of them were listening to Portishead, a super cool trip hop band ... but that isn't the happiest music in the world ..!  I felt like listening to their song 'It's A Fire' of their 'Dummy' release ... then I kept hearing their other good songs ... and decided I could put that back, and the Nine Inch Nails too. 

Think and act in your best mind!  Oh that goes for Morrissey too (though like 'Maladjusted', this is another stifled Friday night!)!!

The break up stereotype of listening to emotional songs, especially 'our songs' has never fit my program.  Are there songs for people in my life?  Sure there are ..!  And when I hear them, occasionally they will come to mind.  But it isn't for when you are trying to leave someone!!  Girls, women, just SLAY me when they openly sing lyrics lamenting a lost love that was malformed and just one incident away from 'Maury Povich' anyway.

What is up with that anyway?  I think I did that with an old Luther Vandross song ... "If Anybody Had A Heart" ... but I was what, 17, or 18 years old ..? 

A COMMENT, A VERITABLE COMMENT

I like that word, 'veritible'.  Walt Simonson used it in 'The Mighty Thor' when he had Thor fight THE WORLD SERPENT, JORMUGAND.  Great issue, story line and art.  Anywho, someone who reads my journal, csandhollow I believe, has mentioned that she has been on the spouses' version of Air Assault training ...

GOOD FRIGGIN' BEANS ..!

That is EXACTLY what I am talking about!  How could you NOT feel closer to a person by taking part in something like that?  Now, I wouldn't expect anyone to have boxed with me, but to walk around a track while I am running, or to do some floor work with me a couple of days a week, is that too hard to ask?  After all, I did go to the crap art fair with you (shh! Don't tell that I wanted to go myself!), and I stayed out of the way while you and 'the harpies' gathered for y'all gossip fest!

But that is what being committed is about, at least it is to me.  That was another reason for my journey with Mookie.  I had to know that I wouldn't break under the pressure to be selfish.  It feels super good to think that I can tell someone that I don't expect to 'crack' when we struggle, as most relationships inevitably do. 

"Make your experience work for you," is a slogan I have adopted for this year, for the rest of my life.  I don't know it all, but geez, I should know enough to do what I need to get done, shouldn't I?  I think so.

THE BIG FINISH

Can y'all believe that Betty cited my journal as one of her favorites?  That meant a lot, because I decided to put myself out here because I was tired of being alone.  It meant a lot to me, as her journal has helped me through this leg of my journey ... and so have all who have read this and left their words ...

... again, a special thanks to Betty ... I was blushing soo hard when I found out ..!  Anyway, I am going to try to get back close to being 'on message' next week ..!

 

My Dad ...

BJ, LIL' MOOK & ME

Have either never met (me& lil Mook) or had any real relationships with our birth fathers.

My Pops got his title the old fashioned way ... HE EARNED IT.

THE STEVE MARIUCCI CLOCK

The one where the clock reads instead of numbers, the word 'Now".

In 'cleaning up', I am finding things that I have kept for whatever reason, like an entry from another blog, Observations From My Cave where he touts his wife as his best friend and just wrote a very nice piece about their relationship.  I also found an email exchange with my BFF, who has met and knows Mookie, where I gave her (much like you, but with a different responsibility) a 'Golden Pass' to say exactly what she thought about my relationship.

Like most readers, she had pegged me as 'outta here' LAST YEAR.  But a cat has to do, what a cat has to do.  Being able to add, 'suffering' to my experiences makes me more ready for the next relationship.  But the time has come.  I have been doing a little of this, and a little of that.  I could push everything that is out in a truck and like a light infantry brigade, be deployed just about anywhere on short notice.  Seeing my belonging so gathered, had me make a phone call.

To my Dad.

... well, he has always had MINE ...

Like I started out, me and lil' Mook has a strong common trait, one that I wanted to fill.  There are plenty of non-traditional families, shaped up in all kinds of ways.  As long as they FUNCTION, it doesn't matter.  So I wanted to make sure lil' Mook saw that a man's strength doesn't only come from his body, but that it comes from his heart and his mind.  I wanted her to see her Mother doted on, and for lil' Mook to be treated special.  So I really want to be able to talk with her before I go.

My Dad, well ... HE DOESN'T PLAY.  We have had our back's put together to get things done, but I have never had the inclination to 'raise up' against him.  What part of 'he doesn't play' do you not understand?  So when I spoke to him about moving back home (and where he lives, IS my home), he prolly was ready to get me THEN. I have never not felt like his 'son'.  As it is, I had to explain to him, that I love Mookie, and was just giving us little bit more time ... that was easier than to say I had to find my way to getting my personal business done.

I will prolly be more subjective, as I have to get things going.  Now, the woman he married, WAS the other woman to my Mom.  But I have NEVER known her to treat me like anything other than as a son.  Perhaps that is the 'country' , coming from Mississippi, but she hasn't had a problem with me, and I have not given her reason.  When I was around, her two boys with my Dad, had a big brother, and as they lived in a rougher neighborhood than me, I still had to 'walk to the store', and let people know that there was a new sheriff in town.

And much like with my Mother, I had the A-OK to be what you expect an older brother to be, only with MY DAD as the back stop, you would RATHER see me coming to talk than him.

So when I called him last night, he was like, "What have you been waiting on?  I thought you were on your way last month?"  He doesn't do 'finesse' quite as well, and calling him is like Commissioner Gordon picking up the bat phone.

Time to go.

A trip to 'R-kansas

Now that is where HE is from.  I wonder if that is where I got my 'small city, big town' desire from?  If I did, it had to be osmosis!  Anyway, now when he goes back home to see his Mother, I can too!  I am going to like seeing MY grandma, and just connecting to a part of me that I really don't know, sort of 'Antwone Fisher' like!

Don't get me wrong, I went to the dollar store and bought 4 'Butterfingers' and a 2-liter Coke!  But I have been able to keep up with my work, and I plan on doing some walking this evening.  Tonight, lil' Mook is doing a sleep over ... and I am going to loathe the uncomfortable silences ... maybe she will visit or go hang out with someone, Mookie that is.

DOES SHE KNOW ..?

"The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy." -Carl Von Clausewitz

Gee, let's hope not!!

On The Painted Desert

STORYCORE ON NPR

Today's story was a son interviewing his Mother.  It was a really touching story as he asked her some very penetrating questions.  He has a brother, and she is divorced from her husband, who was physically violent with her.  The son asked her about his father, and he in turn was asked how her decision not to let his father see him affected him.  The little boy said how it affected him, and that he expected to be a better man than his father.

When I think about why I didn't hang in with my first wife, things like this were part of my decision process.  BJ, Skye, did NOT need to see us yelling and screaming ... and though it was mostly the Mom, more often than not, that bond between Mother and child is going to be stronger than that with their Father ... there were other issues as well that contributed to Skye's antipathy (now, THAT is a good and accurate word right there!) towards me, but I still feel that both her and BJ stood a better shot if I stepped aside.  BJ is now old enough to understand, though it doesn't change her heart.  I will take that.  Skye ...

... oh, my cloudy Skye ...  that is a top, top, priority.

THE RUSH IS LOUD

I called my father.  Next week is fine, maybe the week after would be better.  We will see, we will see.

This is hard writing today, but I need to do it. Mookie and I had time alone to talk, and we did.  We spoke of a love that once was, and how it has come to this ...

I explained to her that I have been operating under the principle that I have been the party that needed to 'correction'.  My 'life experience', though volumious, does not include a lot of what is going on here, to not be wanted.  I explained that after I got over myself in high school, I haven't been insecure about talking to people.  To find out how to approach someone was something I could just 'see', the same way my amateur trainer said my talent was 'hitting someone'.  He meant that I could take my strongest or most effective punch and place it EXACTLY where I wanted it.  Same thing with talking to people.  I can still observe and find out what it is to 'say' to them.

Just like with you.

But I always made sure that I had more legitimate reasons other than 'scoring' to want to talk to them.  I know my numbers don't reflect that, but that was what drove me.  I want to make someone feel special, and I feel that is what I do.  "I make you feel special, or did, didn't I?"

She nodded.

I wish that I could say she had more in the way of conversation to offer, but she doesn't.  Part of it is her natural reticence (that sounds smart, admit it!), another part is what I feel is folks not knowing what is going on inside of themselves, and they are not able to say what it is they feel.  That isn't my problem. 

My Army sister, when were we kids used to be able to understand me straight away, and she was the one who said, "When Mark is mad, it is easy to know because HE WILL TELL YOU", which is to say I will speak straight away and direct.  If I say I am not pleased, it doesn't mean that you can do something again, to hear me say 'I am not pleased'.  It means the next time, YOU won't be pleased, because I have already told you that I was about to do something.

I did tell Mookie that I was leaving, didn't I?

ON THE PAINTED DESERT

Today is the first time that I have cried over this.  And when I say, "Today", I am saying, "now".  I have to find a way to talk with lil' Mook before I take off, but I don't know how, or when.  Even KNOWING that I am going to have a better chance, to look forward for a better opportunity, where the worst case scenario is one of me living with my Dad and Step Mom, trying vainly to repair a relationship with my oldest girl.

I mean, that IS the worst thing for me to expect as a 'bad' outcome.  And if that is the worst thing, it CAN'T be that bad.

It is just getting there, now that is the rub.

Can't remember how much I can share about my military experience, but I think I can tell you that I was an Air Assault qualified soldier.  The Airborne Paratroopers trained at Ft. Bragg, NC and at Ft. Benning, Ga I believe.  Anyway, I went to school at Ft. Campbell, Ky.

Before I went to the Army, I was leery of heights.  Would barely ride a ride at a big amusment partk, and as to a street fair, FORGET IT.  Not to get off on a tangent, I have known from the start of puberty, that folks saw me as what is politely considered, 'sweet'.  I knew that I wasn't, but hey, I gave myself manicures and I LOVE cooking and pretty flowers!  I played me some hockey, which then wasn't where you expected to see a brother.  When I did began to box, it just meant that folks then knew that they COULDN'T mess with me.

I don't know how much of it was to show the world at large, but since I had scored so high on the ASVAB test, I could just about write up my enlistment.  So I asked my recruiter, 'were their secretaries in the special forces?', or something similar, being young and ignorant.  He laughed and explained to me the things you had to do, and one of them was to be able to do the Airborne school or the Air Assault training.

Still 'kid thinking', I opted for the latter, as it was in helicopters as opposed to being in an air plane.  Silly me!  Don't know which school is actually 'tougher', but even cats who have both tabs, says it is Air Assault!

But I did it, and I have never questioned if I was 'tough' or if I am 'man' I was again.  Still, I have to find out how tough and how much of both ...

THE FLAT EARTH

Just like I know how to 'hit' someone, I know how to 'reach' people.  I think that my Mother tried to warn me, as she told me to 'not leave so much of myself' with people.  And like most lessons of our parents, we don't understand until much later.  One of the things that I have accepted and believe is that, whatever lessons that were taught, that when they blossom into consciousness, is when it is time, not to think about 'what if I knew then'.  Because the answer is, you DID know it then, but you just flew past it.

Because my pride has always rested in my ablity to learn, I still feel comfortable talking about going to school.  With whatever I may not be able to access, I still feel like when you close one wing of the Lovre, you STILL have a lot to see!  Yeah, I am a little vain when it comes to the 'smarts' part of me.  If I don't know it, I will get to it, and take past where someone else did!  NYAAHH!

But I am really going to have to let the lessons that others have taught me about life, the lessons that I have learned myself, to really start to guide me.  I don't think that this is karma, because I use it as a point of reference, not as a concept.  The world is mine, the world is yours, it is there for everyone ...

... I have to get me some of what is there for me.

DID I REALLY THINK ..?

That I was immune?  Of course not.  Part of why I have decided to keep my reference points as my Family (as turbulent as that relationship is, the lessons learned still are effective), my brief military career (4 year stint) and my boxing career (bittersweet at best ... at worst, kept me off the streets of Detroit) have all prepared me for this moment.  In fact, our lives prepare us for each moment, EVERY moment.

The Thomas Dolby song, "The Flat Earth" as a profound question, where he asks " if love is all you're missing ... to look into your heart, is anybody home?" as the background vocals compell you to "remember, baby ... love me, darling ... believe me, honey ..."

I AM SO NOT THE CRYBABY ...

... but I am crying, not weeping, not the painful, stressful tears of fruitless effort, but just crying.  I am sad, hurt, confused and lost at this moment.  Time to get up, take a shower, and get into my day ...

Today's soundtrack, were songs by the above groups, titles in red.  Cool songs, and only the one by GLU, I think of as a 'Mark song', full of that weird esoteric that is make me unique (like about 8.5 billion others!)

About Myself

THIS IS MY STYLE

To be certain that someone understands me, I have decided to 'back track' and see what, if anything, someone is still feeling for me.  I know that ordinarily it is bad practice, but this isn't an ordinary circumstance.  With Mookie, I think I went back too far and our growth from what we were has split wider than either of us are willing to bridge.  What it is she may want I am unwilling or not capable of doing.  She can't be anything but what she is.  What we once were, we are always going to be ... our daughter's name reflect that.

But what we could ... CAN'T happen.

This experience has also eliminated my first wife from offical consideration as well.  They shared that 'era' in my life, and I couldn't POSSIBLY trust my wife on a emotional level.  Nixxie is 'otherwise engaged', and Pecan Sandie is still got the 'mad hate' thing going ... she isn't violent, but there is SOMETHING about her ...

Not like I won't have the time to recover.  I will have to build myself back up, as even as I try to tell myself that I am still a good, viable partner, failure echoes in the canyon of my heart. I am hurting a bit, but the disappointment is what really bothers me.  Mookie is stressing a little, and I can't bring myself to try to talk to her about what is going to come next.  Truth is, I don't care what comes next for her.  She had PLENTY of opportunity to get some help, but she turned away from it.

It seems like a joke, that women really can't tell the difference between a good partner and a less than good one.  The confusing thing is, why do they still get out into the field then?  I wonder a bit if Mookie isn't getting geared up for being a 'love loser', just enough interaction to satisfy her hormonal needs, but unable to make more of an emotional connection.  Just wonderin', not carin'.

I don't know if this is 'sexist' or not, but I am going to come straight away.  I have met MORE women totally uncomfortable in the lights of my eyes than not.  By that, I am saying that the attention and focus that comes in being the object of my heart, makes them too darned uneasy!  I don't hazard a guess at it, and at this point in my life, no longer care.

"If you haven't done your roadwork in the dark of the morning, you are getting found out now, underneath the bright lights."  -Joe Frazier (or close enough!)

What he is talking about of course, is doing your running and training like you should for a boxing match.  If you have been slack, well fight night will prove it.  It is that simple in relationships as well.  If you are crap in key areas, then your relationship may well be crap too.  "How IS that working for you?" is what I wish I could ask some of the lassies that are single and yearning for a committed relationship.  I grow offended when someone talks about a current relationship being similiar or the person acting like a previous failed romance.

One of the things that keeps me hopeful is that this ending is NOT like any other ending ... sure there a similarities, because the end of things don't vary all that much in what takes place, maybe in degree.  But to look back and judge the body of the relationship itself as 'the same' means that you have been fooling yourself and are in serious need of some honest introspection, or at least a good mirror.

KNOW YOUR CHICKEN -(Cibo Matto song)

Just as I was growing into myself, I joined the service.  Perhaps I would have had a better road, but there are just too many to sit and say, 'I wish I had done this', and the only one I have ever allowed myself is my first marriage.  Otherwise, I know what it is I have done, and like it or don't, I have gotten what I have earned, and cheated myself out of what I deserve.  Yes Sugar, it is just like that.

Being 'a true optimist' is being willing to do the work to get the results, you know?  My thing coming out of this, is what do I need to do for the next round.  Can't undo what has happened, got to deal with things as they come.  One of the things that I am going to focus on, is 'trusting myself'.  Just as I know that for most folks, to bother someone back in the day is taboo, for some reason, it makes sense for me.  See, when someone told me to 'leave', I left and stayed gone.  Did THEY have second thoughts?  I would be lying if I didn't say I have heard that they did.  Mookie can play stupid if she wants, but she all but came and got me when I let her know I had been single and LONG single.  And I wouldn't have been 'feel' Nebraska if there wasn't something to be felt, you know?  I can't really recall any 'false readings' when it comes to things like this.

Said all that to say I don't know what kind of person I will 're-discover'.  Not going to close out something 'new' either, but why go back at all you say?  I am going to get to that ...

LAW & ORDER

Tuesday night episode was one about a gay quarterback and his secret lover who was murdered, and the quarterback was the lead subject.  Solving for the sexual component, the quarterback was suffering from trauma from repeated concussions...

... so know you see.

They set the case up to where is short term memory (which is where I get fuzzy too) couldn't account for him either going into a rage and killing his partner, or be accoutable for his time.  The way they portrayed the character, gave me a 'look' at how people may see me ... and you know what, I don't think it was at all that bad of a look.

The prosecution planned to produce into evidence at trial a practice where he went into a rage a teammate who tried to make a play on him in practice.  In football, you don't hit the quarterback and some guy did, so he went off on him.  But for the most part, he was calm and easy going.

I think that is how I am, and how I will be.  I don't go off, as it is out of my character to begin with.  Besides, I am still 'here', and I have drilled myself how to behave in emotional situations.  It is the law of 'emotional inertia', a person who tends to be a jerk, will continue to be one; someone who tends to be chill, will always tend to be chill ...

...unless heated!

SINCE EVERYBODY ELSE IS DOING IT ..!

Kahlil Gibran ... ON MARRIAGE

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's

Making an entry

TO LIVE LIKE YOU ARE DYING ... LIFE WITH AN INTENTION ...

Really, what would you do if you only had one month to live ..? Does this message have any resonance for you? It does for me. Part of my motivation for wanting to leave, is because if I have to spend my ‘Sammy years’, I don’t want to spend them in a dead relationship. I don’t want to spend this time, struggling for the bare minimum of love and affection.

For real, I told myself when I was in my halcyon days, that I was indeed racing to my life, with all of the best still ahead of me. I still think that way, cobbling together what I have, and making the best of it. To hear someone else say the things that you feel, affirms what you feel inside, makes me think that somehow I am on the right track, and that the ‘hope for’ part of faith is there.

That is part of the commitment you make when you ask whoever you ask, for the things you want … and be sure that you will receive what you need. I have never thought it was a problem, but maybe it is, albeit a good one, but a problem nonetheless.

I have ALWAYS tried to ‘give’ of myself. I admit to my ‘wanting’ and ‘lusting’ for things … scratch ‘things’ and insert people and love. Not blaming, but acknowledging that maybe in me and my brother, my Mom was trying to find the love in a ‘man’ that she could not get in her life. Because that is, what I really feel identified my brother and is something that I have in me. I want to make a woman happy and be a part of the MAKING of her happiness. That she puts me at the center, is on her. I just want someone to adore.

There has been far too many times to count, that I have told Mookie if she could just put ‘showing Mark affection’ on her weekly checklist, just like she knows when is laundry day, bulk trash day, oh hey, pat Mark on the head and give him a kiss day, then I would be cool. I would count on once she sees how good it felt to do that, she would want to do that herself.

But it didn’t take.

DYING FOR EACH OTHER …

What a great idea! That is what was my ‘one month’ phrase. I had come to the realization that I WANTED to give my heart, my life to someone. Part of why my boxing slipped away from me, is that my Delta Girl couldn’t take the separation that sometimes is a part of being a boxer, climbing the ladder. To be honest, I did not anticipate actually ‘rising’ from Carolina, in fact, what I told her was that I just be a little regional fighter, going to Va, SC, Ga, and DC to fight, get a little money and have a little fun.

The light got into my eyes … and I lost my way.

But what did losing such a precious opportunity to be happy do to me? It made me resolve not to be ashamed of what I had done with my life, and to go forward and live the best that I could. All I had to do was read a paper or look at a television to know what would be said about me, about having my babies and doing what I had done. I have always invited anyone who would want to say mean things to me, and about me, to walk MY walk, not the walk that they supposed it to have been … then they can say what they want. Who can? No one.

So again, I feel confident in being able to look forward to the things that I want most in my life. I want to be able to take a picture with my three girls, and they to become fast friends. I want to get back into school, and sharpen my writing chops, and my kitchen skills. And finally, I want to make a woman happy, and be married.

We all think that we are different, but we are not. Flippantly, we say things to humble or make someone more our equal, ask them ‘what, you do-do don’t stink?’, which we really do to feed our own insecurities. We all have problems, I tend to put mine out with my heart. I know that I am what I am, but I won’t try to fake you out.

There is NOTHING wrong with being with faults. There is nothing wrong with letting someone know how much they mean to me. I have to admit, I wonder what Mookie and I would be, if she could have told me on occasion that she loved me … she did when she was out west …

… not once since she has been home.

On a CD sent to me, the pastor makes a statement, ‘being characterized by love’. I feel that I am ‘characterized by love.’ I can show someone how important they are to me … from explaining to you daughter what is happening to her when she has her first cycle, to making you breakfast in bed or better yet, give you my last ten dollars and the 3rd of the month is two weeks away …

*sigh* I feel alright. Just a deep breath. Ready to take on tomorrow. And I can’t wait to do it!

Buggin' Out ..!

... the ABSTRACT, ORIGINAL ...

That is a line from Q-Tip, of 'Tribe Called Quest', on their song which is the subject for today.  I like that line, as I am always trying to pull different things together for inspiration.  Since I have on a card, 'What is the next thing to do NOW', so I stay on message, today was pretty good. 

Went to the Social Security Administration to put in my change of address.  Later this week, I am going to open another bank account, as right now I am with a local credit union.  I need one with branches in Detroit, and that shouldn't be to difficult to figure out.  May even use Mookie's bank, as she won't be there too much longer ... no, it isn't spite, but it has been the bank I have used, in all its different names since I was a kid.  Being comfortable is most important for me right now.  Still, we will see.

I am really looking forward to having a simple peace of mind.  Talk about something I took for granted.  The slivers that I get, mostly are 'earned', because of my early rising.  Right now, the girls are out shopping ...

... and I am reflecting on being extracted ... with all the conflicts inside of me, of still loving people who aren't loving me and all ... if there was a choice between 'them' or 'me', best believe I will make sure it is them.  No, I don't want to cause hurt and pain, but I have to make sure I get out safely and securely.  Period.  I won't trust that it is going to be 'alright, no rush', when the time comes.  My goal is to be out, with care, but if I have to do what I have to do ...

... then, I will have to do it.

SUSAN AGER IN TODAY'S FREEP

I like her column.  Today she gave her take on the Bobby McFerrin hit, 'Don't Worry, Be Happy'.  Now, I got the song way back then, but she admits to having a more cynical take on the song when it first came out.  She drew a comparison to the song and some of the words of the Dalai Lama, who was in Ann Arbor recently. 

The spiritual need for 'happiness' is something that is common to most everyone.  But worry runs counter to happiness.  You can't really be happy if you carry worry.  It isn't that being 'happy' is being unrealistic.  For me, it is a consious state of mind, an approach to living that allows for the good in every thing to shine thru.  Though I must admit, worry does have its place, that place isn't at the head of the table.

I remember in basic training, the drill sergeants would try to 'smoke' us, fresh off the bus.  It didn't take much to see what it was, but I didn't let them 'smoke' me ... and something must have spoke to them, because I was the only Non-Com soldier who was a platoon leader!  That was something I think I should have dwelled on ... bragged on even ... but I hardly ever do that.  Now that a few folks read this on occasion, I am self-conscious about speaking on myself, to myself now!

But I remember it, because it wasn't about being anything but what I was.  I do think that I am a 'leader quality' person, and that I can get people to follow me ...

... but even if you lead, if no one is behind you, you are just out on a long walk ...

 

SHE DUG A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM OF MY SOUL

That is a lyric from a song by Beck called, 'Rowboat'.  It is playing right now, and it is sorta cool.  Nothing more, nothing less.

Today was a good day, got the big ONE THING that I needed to do next done.  I did weigh myself, and it is 217 ... that sounds familiar ... but I am fine with it, as I am getting other things together ...

The Risks We Take

SPORTS ... AS LIFE ..?

At the very least, lessons for life.  In a recent issue of Sports Illustrated, a columist describes a three day bull riding camp he attended for a first person experience.  He had did something similiar, getting into the ring to spar with a former 126 lbs. boxing champion.  Even though he weighs 185 lbs., he left the ring with and bruised ribs.  But this was different.  The bull, he said ...  "unlike a boxer who can recoginize your limitations, doesn't care ... he just wants you off his back".

One of the participants, a former soldier, would suffer fatal injuries while learning how to ride a bull.  The writer, was thrown like a missle off of the bull on his ride.  A man has to push himself, physically, to know his limits.  I don't know what would be an intellectual equivalent, but I stick by the assertion made in another journal about sports being one of the greatest inventions of man.  There are things that we do everyday that involves risk, and for men, it takes a measure of character.  Not like females who can figure things out, but our role is one where we must have a tactile (now, THAT is a good word ..!) involvement in the gaining of skills.  So we have to do things, to know how far we will go in the pursuit of something ...

... including love.

ASSOCIATIVE REGRESSION ..?

Last nights episode of 'How I Met Your Mother', one of the characters ran into a boyfriend from the long ago.  Despite having 'won', you know, moved on in her life to bigger and better things while he was still stuck in his past, she instead went back to the same awestruck teenager she was when she first met him ... despite her having a budding career in TV news, while he was still living at home with his Mom, working at a water park and chasing the dream of being a rock star!  The relationship even ended the same way it did the first time!

I looked at the other end of the couch (we haven't sat close to each other watching TV in the past two years), where Mookie was having a crap conversation with a sister.  She doesn't do 'irony' and wouldn't have gotten it anyway.  But I wondered if she thought I would be EXACTLY the same person I was when we were younger.  No Sweetie, I didn't think she would be the same person ... I have been around the block, and I know better.  But I know what I am, and I know what I would EXPECT her to be.  So I took a shot.

But I wonder if she thought ... well, they say we marry our parents, and I am wondering if she saw some of her Dad in me.  He doesn't mess too much in the affairs of the girls, and he tends to be quiet around them ... but after that, I don't see it.  Never was like that, and in fact, I know that there had to be some grist between me and at least one of the girls ... that I still don't like her is proof enough for me.

Well, you live and learn ... still think the principle of trying a 'do over' is sound, but perhaps I went back too far.  I don't think Mookie has matured enough to recognize love and how to behave in a real relationship.  Can't go too deep into it, but by any measure, she has only had two in her 36 years ... WITH ME ..!

Ouch!

JUST BECAUSE I GET PAID BY THE HOUR ...

On 'Two and a Half Men', Charley, man about town and regular playboy, has really racheted up his 'game', picking up women and eventually getting beaten up by their boyfriend/husbands.  Seems the one girl who he really fell for is getting married and he is trying to cope with really losing the person he cared for.

His therapist talks with him, and tries to get him to work through the loss, the relationship grief.  Charley is in denial and he comes up with the grand idea of going back and trying to stop her wedding and win her back.  BUZZ! Wrong answer!  Now, as to what MY therapist tells me, that will have to keep until May, but I have never tried to stop ANYONE from moving on, even my Delta Girl, who I believe wanted me to come and get her ... can't put my finger on why, but I could ask Pecan Sandie ... something about it made her think ... you know, prolly best to let sleeping dogs lie, don't you think?  After all, accurate or not, it is cool to believe that she did want me back ... whether or not she did, should I care?

Boost that ego!

Anyway, remembering that specific time, it isn't all that pleasant for me anyhow.  My career started to skid, Pecan Sandie WASN'T  the sweet little cookie I had thought she would be, and 'the little apple' had a worm in it ...

... AND THERE YOU GO ...

Geez ... I was TIRED of finding reasons to leave folks ... couldn't I try to find a few to stay?  It isn't like they weren't there for me to cling to, I just didn't.  What has happened with Mookie is that the negatives effects of the relationship has finally drew close to the positive benefits of the relationship ... and it shouldn't be less than 3-to-1 ratio of good to bad ... I am striving for a 9-to-1 of myself, if not higher!  Got to shoot for the stars if you want to land on the moon ..!

Sunday Thoughts

NO CHURCH  THIS WEEK

 

… uh, how long does jet lag last? 

 

Anyway, we’ve missed two events this month.  The first, the local library sponsored a visit by THE Walter Mosley, who is promoting his latest literary foray, this into the sci-fi genre for young adults.  Yesterday was the ‘Green and White’ game for State.  Couldn’t have snuck out for the Mosley gig, as it was a 7 p.m. start time, and that would have been too conspicuous of an absence.  The ‘Green and White’ game would have been a nice family function, and I would have had a chance to walk lil’ Mook around the State campus (which is beautiful!)

 

I wonder how she really feels towards me, as I am aware that there is a ‘reality’ here that I am not her biological father, nor have I made it a priority that she acknowledges me as a ‘parent’.  My behavior says that I am, so that is cool … but I do really love her, and spending the time in helping her to grow, I sort of would like to see how she turns out.

 

Without dishing Mookie’s dirt, I would have thought she’d have considered things like this a little more regarding all of us.  She knows what is best for her daughter … she WELL KNEW how I felt going in to this …  I am thinking that I am going to sit down and tell lil’ Mook myself, because she won’t.

 

THE GUESSING GAME

 

Trying to anticipate ‘the other side’.

 

Not that I have done this very well during the course of my life, but I think I do alright.  But now, thinking beyond that ‘third or fourth’ level, is a drain on me.  Now, I rely on my experience to guide me, rather than constantly trying to figure Mookie out.  Is she having second thought?  Maybe, maybe not.  What ever it is, I just need to make it to my next step, and let her do what is best for her.  As for me, even were my heart to try to betray me, the logical, thinking side of me won’t let it.  Mainly that it is a matter of my health both mental as well as physical.  So if I have some ‘Sammy Years’ left in me, I don’t want to fritter too much of that time on her.
She has her family for support and I am sure that they will help the girls out.  I am hoping that mine is going to do the same for me.  My hopes for lil’ Mook is like the burning dew at the sunrise, vaporizing and becoming nothing … What is her Mother thinking?  Can’t tell really.  What I do know is that this relationship is coming up short of the runway, and I am trying to set this down as safely as possible.

 

For me, that is.

 

ANSWERING QUESTIONS ON WHAT’S BEST, NEVER WHAT’S EASY …

 

So lil’ Mook has the concert the first weekend of June.  That Monday, I want to shoot for being out of here, looking at that Tuesday or Wednesday for being extracted.  Going to make sure I make all my arrangements and get the addresses so that I know where to go when I get to Detroit.  The best I can do, is give the baby a little ‘heads up’ kind of thing, let her know that I do value her, and that she can reach out to me whenever she feels the need to.

 

Her Mom can handle the rest.

 

Not going to be the easiest of things … but it is what it is.  But after sitting in the living room, listening to her chat her younger sister, I am like nearly burnt out.  I just can’t stand it, sitting around like there isn’t anything happening.  But I guess telling your business isn’t something you share with family.  How do you say, ‘The man that loves me, I can’t love and he is leaving me for it’, to a sibling?

 

As a man, I have wondered about how single Mother’s approach dating and relationships.  Mookie isn’t the first single mom; I married one!  Have dated another, and prolly at this stage of my life, date more.  But I have always wondered at how they balance both parts of their lives, the selflessness of being a Mother along with the need and wants of an adult woman.  My Mom was never seen with anyone other than the man she married, at least not as far as my sibs were concerned.  I recall a couple of stray cats, and that is how my brother got here.  But for easily the last 25 years of her life, she didn’t entertain any male companions.  Ouch!

 

I know that women do things like this … but that is one approach.  My thing is with those who dare to have relationships and raise their children.  What goes thru their minds?  I have dated on girl who was super protective of her 13 year old girl … which is okay, but why is she even meeting me then?  Shouldn’t you ‘check me out’ a bit more, if you are going to let it out that you are hawking me as far as your daughter goes?

 

If I was friendly enough, I would ask my ex-wife.  I would talk to my Best Sister, if I didn’t think it would trouble her.  Sometimes it is confusing, and it continues to be.  Won’t worry about it too much though, just gonna deal as it comes.  But I would have thought that a woman who has a child or children, would know a little bit more about what they want in a partner and what they are willing to offer.  Just a thought.

 

One comment mentioned the effect this may have on lil’ Mook and how it will shape and help define her relationships.  One of the reason I have always thought highly about Mookie, is that her Mom and Dad have been together thru the wars.  I thought she at least had a base for what she wanted.  I am afraid not.  When we’ve talked about ‘us’, she has occasionally indicated that she did not know what it was.  She says she does value what I bring into her life, she just doesn’t know why she can’t show it.

 

Neither do I.  Nor do I care.  She is her own problem …

 

BIG FINISH

 

Prolly get back on message tomorrow.  No worries, as I am still focused on the ‘get gone’.  I don’t want to think beyond tomorrow, because I can get excited and make a mistake.  Don’t want to have to make any unnecessary trips.

...nothing ... the quiet mind

JUST A SWEET SONG BY A SWEET YOUNG WOMAN ...

Is this what it feels like for anyone else?  I thought that it was a sweet, heartfelt song by this girl.

Enjoy!

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Stars ... Like Lights Flashing ...

... before my eyes in the daytime ..!

One of the reasons I talk about general fitness as much as I do, is that it provides such a natural lift to your mental state.  It is more than the endorphin boost, I am talking about a 'neuron boost' as well.  Stuff (especially for me!) will connect faster and more efficently.  I couldn't tell you how many times in my life that I have started a run with issues and finished it with sesolutions.  Shower and fresh clothes ... and a new outlook to start the day ...

... or to finish one.  To do some work before bed will take some of the stress away too.  See, the entire 'fitness process' is about affirmation.  It is about doing things that you can do, that will have a positive benefit to you.  All the while you are sweating, changing clothes, showering, you are totally immersed in doing something for your own benefit, without any predjudice or compromise.  You didn't cheat or cut anyone to get whatever or wherever ... just you and doing something to help YOU out!

This morning, I didn't intend to 'fun life out of me'.  But as I am coming into rounds, getting in TRUE shape, I am reminded of how I felt in college, when I decided to get off my duff and get rid of my 'freshman 15'.  Not meaning to get all the way into boxing, I just wanted to get into shape!  Fighting again came on a dare, and that is another story (if I can remember it!).  But like then, my body is ready to respond to my commands, and 'do what it does'. It is ready to 'go', so getting dressed and going for a run, it isn't wanting to 'take it easy', it wants to RUN!  So from a just 'getting it over with' start, my body went hard ..! 

... and I am feeling like I feel! 

WHY THE FLASHING LIGHTS ..?

See, I am of NOT afraid of 'effort'.  And when you push yourself, you find out about 'false quits', from when you push yourself. That is what the flashing lights are about ... it is just 'effort' trying to get you to stop.

For a couple of years, I had 'lost interest' in competing with myself (more on that later ... if I can remember that too!).  By that, I was just going through the motions, droning on and on.  Because of the way that I am cut, my relationship powers me up.  Mookie and I hadn't been hitting on all cylinders for nearly three years now ... and I am glad for my therapist, otherwise I may have lost myself completely.

When Nebraksa agreed to meet me in Chicago, the processes (yes dear, I think in the abstract, and act in processes!!) I knew then I had to roll out, and get mobilized.  Even though I grade out on the event as a 'C', the ambition got an 'A'.  I was also able to hold on and get there despite my doubts and worries.  That I went and made it back in one piece, I confirmed what therapy was trying to tell me ... I AM STILL IN HERE!  Spending that time with her, made me feel valued; then hanging around with my best sister, who reminded me of what I was ...

... I begin to think about who I still could be.

So after Chicago, I had to work at me more.  Maybe if I had taken that energy and put it into my 'get back into it round' with Mookie ... no, I have done more than enough.  That is why I put it out that I wanted to lose weight, because when I go home (what a concept ... HOME!) errybohdy will just see THE MAN WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE ..!

EXECUTIVE DECISIONS

I will have to sit still and be quiet for a little bit.  Just be a father, son, and brother will be enough.  Enough?  That is a lot!  Oh, maybe get 'braska to do a 'home and home' series ... there ARE nice spots in the Metro, and I ain't scared of MY hometown ..!

If you are with me, you are good.

Besides, I will have a real social circle ... and unlike the provincial town I am in, there are actual things to do ... and I am going to get involved and be around ..!

See, Not THAT kind of hug and kiss ..!

 

JAW JIBBIN’ WITH NEBRASKA

 

Running through my mind, trying to deal, because right now, I feel as though I am running in through a marsh, splashing and stumbling as I struggle through to the other side …

 

… and it seems like the other side is sliding further away than it is drawing near.

 

Now, I want my music off of here.  That is as close as to being non-negotiable as anything.  Since I am not tech savvy, I decided to ask ‘braska for a little help.  I let it slip that I could use a hug and a kiss right now, and she joked me (I think!) about asking Mookie for a play!

 

Now, I didn’t want THAT KIND of a hug and kiss.  I wanted a Papa Trinidad hug and kiss.

 

…but Mark, WHO is Papa Trinidad?

 

Felix ‘Tito’ Trinidad is one of the best fighter in any weight class in the last 15-20 years.  He has fought some of the best fighters from the 147 lbs to 160 lbs division in boxing.  He moved up to fight Bernard Hopkins a few years ago, and Bernard gave him what he came for!  Not getting all into it, Bernard was not only highly skilled and a veteran of the ring, but he was naturally a bigger guy.

 

But because he uses technical savvy to win his fights, he just beat up on Felix Trinidad, for virtually the entire fight.  It was sad to see, because it was what happens when a teen kid brother challenges his young adult older brother.  That isn’t a fight as much as child abuse!

 

Now Papa Trinidad is also Felix’s head trainer.  So he was WATCHING HIS SON GET AN A**WHUPPIN’.  Round after round, just having Bernard break off a little bit more, each round.  Finally, when the bell started for the last round, Papa Trinidad, who had to be feeling every punch along with Tito, gave his son a small hug and a kiss, before letting him go and keep getting beat on.

 

I have wondered at how difficult that must have been, as a father you know he wanted to get in there and stop the beating, if not help his son.  How difficult for him, the 9th and 10th rounds, with his son hopelessly behind, NOT to stop the fight.  No one would have complained.

 

But as a head trainer, you also have to know your fighter.  While Felix prolly would have gotten over it, no fighter, let alone one as good as a Felix Trinidad wants to be ‘stopped’.  He was up, and his reflexes were as good as can be expected.  His heart had to be tearing apart, what could he do?

 

So, with his beloved son, slowly rising from his stool, a small hug and quick kiss, before he marches off into getting more punishment.

 

That was the hug and kiss I had in mind.  Right now, I DON’T want to be ‘rah-rah’!  Yes Virginia, even positive cats have their times.  This is mine right now.

 

WINSTON CHURCHILL

 

Arguably the finest statesman of a major power, in the 20th century if you ask me.  Don’t think so, then see if you can choke down ‘The Last Lion’, a huge but interesting book on Winston.  Like Mother Teresa, he too, had his moments. 

 

But it is that he kept functioning that showed his strength, despite his worries he kept his country together, and led them through the Blitz and to victory over the Nazi’s.  In a speech, he said this:  “This is the moment not to slacken.  All the races which the calendar holds, or nearly all of them, are won in the last lap; and it is then, when it is most hard, when one is most tire, when the sense of boredom seems o weigh upon one, when … the end seems to recede before us- like climbing a hill when there is another peak beyond- it is at that very moment that we in this Island have to get that extra sense of exertion, of boundless, inexhaustible, dynamic energy that we have shown… Tirelessness is what we have to show now …”

 

So, even though I could use Papa Trinidad right about now, I will just go with what I know, let my experience work for me, and play this hand …