... at the Library

TWO MINUTE HATE

More snow has fallen ... this is the LONGEST FEBRURARY OF MY LIFE ..!  My ire is up, because I am not racing home to cook dinner ... Mookie can get that ..!  I did the bathroom ... UGH ..!

In college, I roomed with two girls for a hot second.  It was amazing at how much crap they accumulated in the darned bathroom ..!  Yes, there were awkward moments when they would have their male company 'after hours'.  No, I wasn't linked to either of them EVER, but they worked my nerves with some of the 'hygiene habits'.  In fact, I have been stunned by almost EVERY woman I know has awkward hygiene habits.  Ladies, make a note of it ... your stuff stinks too!

Joe Juneau

In the latest issue of Sports Illustrated (cover date  Feb 18, 2008) there is an article about a hockey player, Joe Juneau, and how he is putting back into an Inuit community in Canada.  Though the story is fairly familiar in that he is a former big time athelete who is giving back to a community, that he went WAY OUT of his way to give back is.  The commitment he made to this community is overwhelming.    Though he isn't married, he took his girlfriend and their children  to live in the isolated town. 

His girlfriend who said in the article, "If he were coming here to open a business or something, I would have said no.  But he is investing in a mission that is bigger than himself.  This is a grand projet humain ..."

Good stuff.

Fitness Stuff

I hope I remember to weigh in Monday.  I know that I am under 220lbs, but that was also a weight I posted while I am sick.  This is actually the first time in my life I have trained with the objective of losing weight.

As boxer, I never had to 'cut' weight.  When I fought at 178, the fight that I weighed 182, meant I was a heavy weight.  I felt that because I was running and training hard, that to lose weight for the scale was putting me a disadvantage.  In my mind, it was easier to compete with confidence that I was at my full stregnth than to lose the weight and worry if I had weakended myself.

This is the first time I really paid attention to how my clothes have begun to fit on me.  The pants that were once a skoosh snug, are loose in the thighs and ESPECIALLY in the hips.  My stamina is there, but I am definitely going to have to get use to not being as strong as I once was.  Hopefully I will start going back to the 'Y' again.

This is actually kind of neat, this losing weight thing.  I have always been told that I should be a trainer ... being able to get this off myself, reinforces the theories that I have regarding getting in shape and finding the motivation.  Have to look into getting a certification or something.

The Big Finish

Now normally, I would break my neck trying to get home and cook for the girls.  But I can't find the motivation.  There is snow on the ground, and I don't think that it is worth it.  Period.

I am going to watch 'Bubba Ho-Tep' on DVD.  As much as I gripe about the city, I do look forward to being in Detroit.  I can extend my social life, and see how well I will cope on my own in a decent sized city.  There are a couple of good films I would like to see, and I can go to some of my favourite haunts ... the Astoria Bakery is CHIEF among them ..!

 

...nothing much ...

Stray thoughts …

Two and a Half Men

Funny show, I tell you funny show! Watching a couple of syndicated reruns, I am in stitches! The first one features Jeri Ryan as a guest star and she has Charlie (Charlie Sheen) on the business end of their relationship. She calls him when it is at her convenience, hustles him in and out of dates, and then makes him do the dreaded, ‘you gotta go home’ walk when they have finished their ‘business’.

It makes me think of how I have handled myself, and was I as bad as Charlie … can be sure that I have had the tables turned on me a few times. Prolly dealt with them like I am dealing with the one I am in now … que sera and look forward to what is coming up next.

The second show is one where Alan (Jon Cryer) is facing his son’s interest in women. The boy has taken to putting up posters of women in bathing suits … and it is a male rite of passage. He tries to cling to his little boy for just a while longer. Too funny!

I am reminded of when my Mom found my stash of girlie books. Can’t remember how I came about them, but they weren’t the ‘polite’ Playboy or even the gnarly Penthouse or Hustler books. They were the kind that are in the ‘3 for $10’ packs, featuring girls who looked like they were just out of rehab or from the ladies detention center!

She bought me a book, “As A Man Thinketh” and made me read it and tell her about it! Looking back, it makes me smile … I know my Mom tried as hard as she could, and there isn’t anything wrong with that!

Just Sayin’

In a country where political leaders have done all that they could to get OUT of service (Dubya and Dead-eye Dick, Slick Willie Clinton) why did the Drudge report gleefully report that Prince Henry was in Afghanistan, fighting the REAL war on terror?

Whoever sold the information had to know that the English Press was at risk of trouble if they leaked the information out. So why did the Drudge Report feel compelled to spill the Prince’s location?

It is worth noting that he has really matured. His mates call him ‘the bullet magnet’! But he is an officer and has real combat responsibilities. The Bush girls similarly girls have grown out of their wildness as well. Isn’t one of them teaching in a public school somewhere, New York or D.C., some seriously urban area? Good for them as well! I always thought that they along with Chelsea Clinton got a bum deal.

Drew Peterson

Okay, black people have O.J., now white folks have Drew Peterson. Wanna call it even?

What is with this guy? He was on ‘The Today Show’ with his squirmy lawyer, to accomplish exactly what? He radiates slimy, and he really is enjoying his moment as the center of attention.

Don’t think that they will be able to catch him, not for simply not trying. Like O.J., Drew not only has friends on the police force, he has friends in position of authority. The ‘Thin Blue Line’ is working his way as well. If this was a fed crime, he would be toast. But it isn’t.

HIZZONER

Kwame Kilpatrick is a mess. What a punk! I am so over the mess that he is in, and more outdone by the reaction of some of the folks in Detroit. That there is even ONE SOUL that thinks he should keep his job is amazing to me. Detroit is dying, jobs are drying up, public services are being cut, people are leaving, and this cat is costing the city $8.4 million dollars (and don’t forget the mysterious death of the exotic dancer at THE MAYORAL MANSION a few years ago) in illegally arranged city hush money.

Detroit is dying, and this is the reason why. If ever a collective group of people got what they deserve, it is the uninvolved in Detroit. That you can win a campaign on ‘blaming whitey’ in a time where you have a woman and brother as serious political contenders for president, shows how retarded the development of Detroit has been. (did that sentence make sense???)

THE BIG FINISH

Did anyone else watch ‘Eli Stone’ last night? I adore the show. The scene where his fiancée joined the firm to obviously be near him, said ‘I want this to be my problem’, when Eli was trying to present himself as a lost cause made my heart sigh. I know that I am going to be someone’s responsibility as much as I am my own … but who wants the job?

Loretta Devine scene singing … she looked ‘divine’ in that red dress … that she was romantically linked to one of the senior lawyers … ooh, that cat better watch his back … I am serious!

But it still ties things up too neat, hopefully it will grow out of that. I remember ‘Joan of Arcadia’ and how it showed the conflicts of the characters, some of them didn’t always resolve themselves the way that you thought, some didn’t get answered at all and you were left with what you thought would happen.

That was a good show. I might have to get that on DVD.

... scoping out the detrius in my mail box ...

'Hero' Girl Recovering After Shooting - AOL News

... uh, this is the kind of random 'regular' everday that goes on in Detroit.  Most big cities have areas of affluence that fairly escapes the kind of typical urban crime, but not Detroit ... the same kind of stick up that goes on in the less developed areas happen in the tonier areas.  That is part of what makes Detroit unique, that trouble is really everywhere to be found.

Other than having what I call the 'East Side Hair Style' on the mother, I am a little miffed at how typical a freaking story this is.  I am wondering about the 'friend', if it was a male or one of her instigating friends who think they mean well, but don't.  Why was she involved with such a cat that would be capable of such violence anyway.  Since I think I am treading on familiar ground here, I am going to say that some Motown girls just aren't interested in cats that will treat them decent.  I have been TOLD that I am not 'thug enough' for some girls (granted it was high school, but those girls grew up to make the kind of choices that Selethia did), like being 'fake hard' and treating you like crap means that I care about you.

Sure, it is sad that the little girl got hurt.  But I am not going to let the Mom get off.  This cat didn't go to bed one day, and wake up capable of being able to try to murder her the next.  The kind of behavior that I think went on, is what spurred me to divorce my first wife.  I am NOT going to fight and argue to try to love someone ... if they don't want to be in love, then freakin' fine, I will go on.  The sun will rise, tomorrow will come, and I will find someone else.  So will you too.

And for the trigger pulling cat ... if he DID have emotions that strong for the lady, why did it come to this?  I mean, couldn't he have given her a gift certificate to Red Lobster, some flowers, and tried to win her back?  What is with the notion that 'I'm gonna get a gun and either you love me or I killing ERRYBODY!'  See, cowardly cats like that, I specialized in making examples of.  My cousin suggested ... aw, never mind what he suggested I do, but punk cats like this NEVER, EVER inspired fear in me.  Any punk can trigger pull when there isn't a threat.  Now if you know that you got to put your butt on the line to get that shot off ...

Forgive the rant ... just part of my present frustration.

Definition Day

… and how would you EXPECT a small heavyweight to fight ..?

When I get my hair cut, I may try to get a picture here of myself. I don’t know, I am not what I would consider ‘photogenic’. Besides, I don’t feel comfortable with ‘advertising’ myself as I never have before. But since I am talking about losing weight and all that, I kind of feel that I should show what it is am I working with.

If I had to describe myself, it would be a young Mike Tyson. I am a tad taller (I know this because I was in a training camp with him) and my chest and arms are a little more ‘cut’ than his. Other than that, people often would tell me how much I reminded them of Mike.

Being a ‘small’ big cat, I have always found myself in a mismatch of sorts. There weren’t many 178 lbs kids for me to box with, so often I was 15, 16 yrs old fighting against what my Mom said were ‘grown’ men, as they would be 20, 21 years old. I had the skills, but as important, the confidence and belief that I could do what it took to win the fight.

That is why I remain optimist first, everything else second. Most of my life has been one where I have found myself swimming against the stream. If you are doing that, you have to believe that you are going to get to where you are going, otherwise it is a lost cause.

I use sport analogies a lot, because whether you want to believe it or not, sports contain the essence of life. I do think that man has developed against all odds, and that sports are the measuring stick that we need to remind ourselves to survive, we must remain competitive. Don’t laugh, I had written a sociology paper with elements of this theory and got a super funky cool ‘A’ on it!

Also, I can tell someone what is on my mind, with just enough ‘Don King’ threw in to where they are confused and don’t quite understand. I sometimes have to apologise to my friends and talk with them ‘straight away’ because that is just how I am. I use different things to symbolize for me at least, the frame of mind that I am in, to help me better understand what I meant to say! That is why you will find pieces of songs, quips, and general comments strewn about in my entries. You may be reading this, but I am talking to myself!

Today, I am going to try to explain what ‘the run and shoot era’ meant and why I use that term instead ofthe current football strategy name, ‘the spread offense’.

THE RUN AND SHOOT

I had married essentially the first girl I saw when I got home from the service. Why not, I figured. I ALWAYS WANTED to get married young, so that we could have all that ‘marriage equity’ and still be young enough to have fun and good times with each other. I chose an older girl, thinking I would flip the script on the ‘women being more mature than men’ and make it work for me. If my wife did have an advantage in maturity, it would be cool, because I would let her take the wheel until I ‘grew up’. Sound theory, provided that woman you pick ACTUALLY is mature! So that was an experiment of unstable elements that blew up in my face, and my first wife became my ‘starter wife’.

Barry Sanders had been drafted by the home team, and along with his dynamism, the then new coach took a risk and brought in what was then considered a ‘gimmick offense’, the run and shoot. In its purest form, the philosophy allowed teams with less talent to ‘spread the field’ (which is why the ‘spread offense’ is now in vogue) and force the opposing defense into personnel mismatches … and if the offense makes the correct ‘read’ on the play, then it could be a REALLY BIG gain. It is a high risk/great reward style of football.  The 'spread offense' incorporates a lot of the run 'n shoot, but saying I am working out of the run 'n shoot connotes more fun and ease of spirit than the more offical sounding 'spread offense'.

I have never really shook my ‘nerdy’ insecurities, even though I had begun to ‘attract’ as much if not more than I was ‘attracted to’. So I have always been the one cat who tried to figure out what I could do FOR a lady before I figured out what she could do for me.

Now I wasn’t too worried about the female insecurities that society infects their personalities with. After all, I was a nice looking bloke, and if I was willing to ‘drink their bath water’, they would be able to get over that, right?

After my starter marriage, I was watching ESPN and they showed highlights to a A&T and Carolina Central basketball game. Because my friend Hutch is an alumini of Michigan, he was going to see if he could get me into UM- Dearborn. But after I saw those highlights, of all those young black kids having fun, I wanted to go to A&T. In the service, at least while I was there, it seemed like every soldier had went through Ft. Bragg, and I had always thought I should have got ‘wings’ instead of a ‘parachute’. So I packed up and to Greensboro I went!

Having been through the service, though I was still young, I thought my college mates were ‘kids’ though we were separated by only a few years. I would tell them little things, like there only really needs to be two rooms in the house that are kept immaculate, and that is the kitchen and the bathroom … people can understand messy living spaces, since they are in school too. But where you eat and where you crap, those are character places … keep them clean! And of course, from being the big brother, I didn’t mind cooking if they would buy the food … and anyone who has been to college can tell you, being able to have a decent home cooked meal is like gold!

If it is a broken record, sorry bout it. Maybe people who get tired of hearing how much boxing and the service did for my self esteem need to find something to hang THEIR hat on. I mean, flat out I can say that I reasonably can whip anyone I see, and that I can take a M16-A1 and drop you from three football fields away … because I have DONE IT. What every you know you can do, make sure YOU celebrate it. It will lift you up when life knocks you down.

OH … THE RUN AND SHOOT

Like I said, high risk, high reward. Other than the confusion with Nixxie and Pecan Sandie, I never ‘juggled’ women. Didn’t have to, because I am kind of a sweet guy and can attract women because I am just a nice guy. Period. Nothing else to it. My approach has been great risk to see if I can get the big reward. If you can complete a 15-yard pass, says the run and shoot, why not get a little fast guy in an open spot and see if he can RUN past 15 yards and maybe score a touchdown!

So I try to give the object of my affection ALL of my attention. Why not? After all, what is the worst thing that could happen? She isn’t interested? News flash to those who let themselves get caught up in that kind of rejection … there are BILLIONS OF PEOPLE WHO AREN’T GOING TO LIKE YOU. So that the one you like doesn’t like you isn’t a surprise. To me, the surprise is when you don’t go and find someone who does like you. I make sure that I recognize someone who likes me, who is putting out the ‘vibe’ so that I can either be interested in them, or make them discover that they are interested in me.

Sometimes, it has been unrequited affection. I saw on someone’s page the phrase “… for that totally wonderful person in your life who completely ignores you.” Powerful words, but now you see why I liked trying to find love out of ‘the run and shoot’. It helped to compensate for things like that. Sure, you may not THINK you like me now, but I am gonna do what I can to get you to see that I am special, and if you don’t … oh well, SOMEONE is going to want me!

… and now, the BIG FINISH

Sage Steele, who reads sports news for the ESPN networks, is HOT! So is Vivian Brown on the Weather Channel and Suzanne Malevuax of CNN. What does this mean, along with the swing manager at the nearby McDonald’s?

First, that I feel like I am alone. I would like to share more of myself with someone, anyone almost. I don’t want to seem like I am bragging on myself, but I am charismatic, and getting over myself allows me to find someone who not only is a neat person, but thinks I am sorta cool too.

Second, is that NONE OF THE FOUR are in line with my historical ideals of what I like in a potential partner. In fact, they all comprise something unique to themselves, something I can’t identify. I wonder what that  means …

And finally, I am going to be alright. Whatever you want to call ‘it‘, I can still feel ‘it’. I had been worried that it was gone, but though I may have forgotten some things, I haven’t lost track of the ‘je ne sais quois’!

Floating MY boat

… or is because we’re happy that we sing

When I first started this thing, I had no idea that I would end up writing so much. At first, it was just a place to gather my thoughts when this relationship started to go to the next phase (whatever that is) of commitment. I had to cease and desist all contact with ‘non-essential’ personnel, and the town I am in, I have never really ‘seen’ other women.

So figuring that I wouldn’t have my ‘usual distractions’, I could flat out see what would happen when I commit to that one someone. I had some success before, but would always have that key turnover late in the game. Not always ‘stepping out’, but something or the other would occur. It is worth noting that neither my best sister or I could recall what happened between me and my LBGF, because I am sure what ever it was, it was not only ‘relatively small’, but just small as in it would be insignificant in ANY relationship.

In a sense, I am making my last stand. As far as indignities go, Sade sang, “Love Is Stronger Than Pride”, and I know it is. I figured I would stick this out, until I absolutely can’t take anymore.

Now this is a blade that cuts both ways. Mookie and I used to date when we were younger, before life got in our way. She did miss out on all the super cool times, and caught the latent fumes of my boxing career. We will never know what would have become of our ‘young love’ had I given it a chance to flourish. That we have daughters that share a name is indicative of how much we once meant to each other (Nixxie was cool with it; I picked the name and didn’t know if Mookie had actually used it anyway; the other name I had, McCathorn, not so much!). Or so goes my reasoning.

Since everyone knew it but me, she gets plenty of points for going on and pursuing a relationship with me, because I would gather she noticed ‘things’ before I did. So I give her much props for that.

But, it doesn’t mean that I have to accept ‘less than love’, love. That isn’t going to cut it, and I won’t stand for it. In my mind’s eye, I see myself marching to the Hot Gates to stand against the advancing Persians, I still remember as a child pushing back the Germans in Belgium or liberating islands from the Japanese in the Pacific theatre. Plus, I still have my books (and when I go to an optometrist to get some glasses, I will read even more!) and the odd things that I have just kept for no other reason than I wanted to keep them.

Have not a doubt that I will be alright.

DIDN’T SAY IT WOULD BE EASY

When I left for Chicago last November, I had a ‘trial run’, a trip to visit my friend Hutch who lives in a suburb of Detroit. He remarked at how difficult it was to get me out of the house. I spent 4 days there, and hardly left at all, save to go eat and get my daily newspaper. Noted and taken under advisement. So if I talk about my ‘extra time’, that is why. When I say I had no idea of what was going to happen, I don’t just mean what would happen if Nebraska’s destiny was to be the lead story on the news in Chicagoland … I wasn’t sure if it wasn’t MY destiny.

So she gets much props for putting up with me. For me to feel comfortable enough to go outside with her, when I had apparently so much latent anxiety in me, was just HUGE. That I felt comfortable enough around her to let her take me out, even HUGER. We almost had that ‘lead story’ moment, downtown at a winter festival. She said the kid wasn’t that close to her, but he was running too close FOR ME. Now, when you know what to do, it doesn’t take much to crack someone out, but I trusted her judgment enough to ‘stand down’.

She made the comment that ‘people don’t fight with fists nowadays’, but like William Munny, I have found myself lucky when it comes to cracking people. But I trusted her enough not to try to beat up everyone in downtown Chicago (which is what I would have tried to do ..!)

Don’t mind that we ‘scored’ the trip differently. I have gotten WORSE reviews before, and shrugged them off. Besides, she is just good people, and I don’t know enough of those. I have also gotten better ones(reviews that is), so it balances out.

ANOTHER CALVIN AND HOBBES REFENCE

Can’t remember another strip ever meaning as much to people, let alone to me as that one. I was in North Carolina, in Greensboro when that one ended. I still have the color picture from the Greensboro Observer Sunday comics, of the last Calvin ‘n Hobbes … the image of a blanket of snow, covering everything in the nearby woods making everything seem ‘new’ and awaiting discovery.

That is how I see my ‘post-Mookie’ life. I don’t have any major regrets … will wonder about lil’ Mook though. But those are the consequences for everyone in a situation like this. I don’t know if marriage would have helped things or not, but that is something that will linger. One comment asked me about what is going to happen between me and lil’ Mook … I don’t know.

It is a little ways away because there are some MUST DO things along with saving money. Dealing with the government bureaucracy is a headache waiting to happen, and then I still have other hurdles to clear.

‘Do we sing because we are happy or are we happy because we sing?’ Can’t recall who said that to me, but I know it was during my Jean-Paul Sartre days. See, I pursue the things that I like most when I am really happy. I am going to go to the teacher’s supply store and check a used book store for some high school level math books … and I am on here, doing the typing tests and of course, journaling. Trying to learn stuff is something that makes me happy …

… or am I happy because that is what I do?

... at the library

… I know I should be getting home, but I am out at the library checking out videos on You Tube …

I loved the B 52’s back in the day!  I am looking at videos to songs before they finally broke into awareness of the dim masses with ‘Love Shack’.  I don’t know if I can call a favorite song from them, as each time I do, another one pops up.  Of course, ‘Rock Lobster’ is there.  But ‘Planet Claire’ is a song I liked a lot too.

 

The song that really got me stuck on them, was ‘Dance This Mess Around’.  I had it fixed up to where it was a song I was singing to a girl that made me feel ‘like limburger’!

 

I could go on about this group … I feel like I was the only person who bought their Mesopotamia’ tape.  My friend Hutch who is a retired history teacher, liked to point out the historical inaccuracies in the song … I would argue creative license.

 

The live performances of my obscure bands on here is a treat beyond measure.  I really admire some of the fan videos too.  I have been watching one posted by a kid crazenby, for a Jeffery Lewis song, ‘Anxiety Attack’.  Too cool for school!

 

I could sit here all day, but I want to make dinner, nothing special just some garlic shrimp in a marinara sauce and some spaghetti noodles.  Just gonna cruise some Gossip videos if they have them … saw them at a Sleater Kinney show … they opened for the gig, along with the Black Keys.

 

It will feel good seeing shows at St. Andrew’s again!

A piece I like

In the sun that is young only once,

Time let me play and be golden in the mercy

Of his means, and honored among foxes and pheasants.

By the gay house, under the new-made clouds,

And happy as the heart was long

In the sun born over and over …

I ran in my heedless ways

-Dylan Thomas

Just being ...

THE BIGGEST LOSER

...VEGAS ..!  It has been a long while since I have been to Las Vegas ... maybe sometime in '97 I think.  Watching these cats ride the slingshot thingy on the top of the hotel ... how exhilerating that has to be ... I know I would pee my pants, but hey, I would have a change somewhere!

Even though the guys lost, I understand about the one cat not waking the others up after their late night.  That isn't what a teammate does.  I think he was trying to sabotage things, and in the end, the cat that didn't wake the other twoup not only didn't lose the most weight, he didn't have the guts to be a complete snake.

I like the exercises that they were doing.  I wish that I had a partner to help with some of them.  I especially like the one where the partner sits facing the other, holding the standing cat's calves and they 'sit down and stand up'.  That along with leg throws are some good old fashioned work.

When the one cat was getting chewed by Jillian for his wussy punching on the bag ... yes, I too have been there ... EVERY fighter ever has been there!

SECOND PLACE ... STEAK KNIVES ..!(what, y'all ain't never seen 'Glengarry Glenross ..? Alec Baldwin's cameo ..? aw fer chrissakes ..!)

My BIG IDEA is the Cadillac STS in that scene!  Anyway, it is still beyond language, and I am not too sure if I even need to 'say it'.  The claiming part of this, that I am going to leave Mookie, is done.  The details and stuff isn't words as much as it is action.  Do I know what I am doing?  Well, I better hope so, cause I am doing it!

QUARTERLIFE

If she didn't use her friends actual names ... that is the unreal part of all this.  It is going to be interesting to see where the show goes from here.  I have said before that part of my journaling is to 'connect' with someone.  I did hook up with some Moz fans during my salad days as a fighter in Vegas, of all places.

If I could still drive, I wouldn't mind riding to see someone.  I liked driving, my best sister could tell you that.  Jump in my little Z car, put some Chuck Berry in the sound system, and down the highway I would go!

The segment with the girl who was the actress, when the teacher said she had 'pretty girl syndrome' was interesting.  Girls, women, they seem to be burdened by those expectations, and constantly measure themselves by these impossible images that are put before them.  Anyway, I think it is a decent show, and I will give it a chance, if I can remember it ... still hoping I don't miss the next 'Eli Stone' ..!

... if ever someone needed a dvr ..!

...now I am sooo tired ...

...went and gave blood for my chorlesterol test today ... maybe THAT is why I was up so early ... of course, it has pushed me off my regular schedule.  I like having a routine, that is one of the more valued things I missed about work.  I remember how my BFF and I would talk about the job that it seemed everyone else was whining about ... great benefits, matching 401 and paid holidays ... what more could you want ... a discount on cars with the big three ..? You got it!  I am super glad she is still there, getting PAID.  She really deserves it.

Decided to run to the clinic to get it done.  Anyone who lives in mid-Michigan knows that it snowed this morning.  Must be about an inch on the ground, perhaps more.  I just know that it made me no difference.  Took a nice easy pace, the ol' 'Airborne shuffle'.  I am going to get one of those CD's that are filled with Army cadence on it.  If you can't get off your butt and do a little jog with that, then yes, you can officially call yourself hopeless!  In fact, maybe I will talk a little about ...

FITNESS ISN'T FASHION

All these routines that you see, just put money in the pockets of those crap cats who couldn't last a round with me skipping rope, let alone hitting a heavy bag (except for maybe Jillian ... she TRULY knows her way around striking things ... martial arts or just as a boxer).  The reason that I am dismissive of the routines in the infomercials is the same appeal that Jillian has over Bob (which I don't know why ... he works you too!) is that Jillian just kicks your butt, with old school style, move yer butt attitude!  And what she does is pretty basic.

She employs a lot of isometric kind of resistence ... a lot of body weight stuff.  This forces you to increase your coordination as well as gets you stronger in a more 'natural' way.  While it helps to know 'how' to train with isometrics, we already know how ... it is call doing push ups and sit ups!!

When it comes to starting to work out, the simple stuff is the way to start.  I have never forgotten how I came to being able torun like I do ... starting off watching television and running in place during the commercial breaks!  When it comes to fitness, simple works best.

Whether it is walking for 5 minutes then adding a minute each day or if it is doing the same with push ups, you can GET STARTED right now.  You are a long way from a fitness class, so don't worry about what you aren't doing ... do what you can.

I am amazed that people don't use what they have around the house.  You know the large bottles of detergent?  Fill 'em with water and you have perfect dumbells for curls!  Grab a couple of cans of soup or peas and walk around the block with them a few times.  Keep chipping away at getting fit.

I remember in one journal seeing how the person enjoyed that their clothes fit better ... that is the first sign of becoming fitter, NOT weight loss.  I mean, it should come but there are other factors involved.  Muscle development is, on the other hand, absolute.  Once you tighten up your body, it needs less space.  And the feeling is there immdiate, or you mean you haven't watched your arm tightened when you are carrying something?

Well, I am going to try to take a little nap.  Hope everyone else is having a good day ..!

 

... regular 'can't sleep' night ...

... and if there is a mouse in the room with the Elephant ..?

NO!  Never did find that watch, though it may turn up in subsquent re-arranging.  But that I asked for help and I am still waiting ...

I wanted to try to blow past this, but I know that isn't going to happen.  Can manage it though, because I have always have.  That is why I wanted to keep giving this time, because I had wondered if I was able to manage how I dealt with the ending of a relationship, that maybe I had more to give.

Now I see it is just the male ability to compartmentalize backed with the feminine emotional resolve (which I think I got from being raised by a single mother).  I mean, the stereotype of a man being crushed and blindsided when his woman decides to leave vs. the woman's wailing and gnashing when her husband leaves is what I am working with here.  That 'Waiting To Exhale' Angela Bassett thing is the exception, and even then that crap came essentially after the cow was out of the barn, just isn't going to ever be a part of MY life's experience.  That crap ALWAYS happens to other people ... it NEVER has happened to me.

I gave what I had to give and it wasn't enough.  Oh well.

GUESS WHAT NEBRASKA ..!

I know she occasionally reads this, never comments which is cool ... but guess who is also a dentist ..?  MY THERAPIST!  He said he will work out an arrangement to get some of that work done!  I had been going thru the county clinic, and the lines are long and they are limited in what they are able to do.  But hey, I figure it is a kung fu mega bonus!!

Again, I am going to miss him.  Last year, I told him that was the top sign that I knew this wasn't working with Mookie and I, that the main reason I am still here is that my health care options keep me comfortable!  And I mean that.  I don't know what I was like when therapy started, but it wasn't where I am right now.  Though I am confident that I can manage myself, it has been super cool having help.

He is my first analyst, and you know how that 'virginity' thing works regarding sex!  I hope it doesn't hold form in this case ... though I am sure that I will send cards on occasion, I think I can find another doctor to help me find my way with minimal brusing!

Getting over some of it ...

... the disappointment that is.  See, when I say that Mookie is the only girl I ever 're-dated' I mean exactly that.  I don't count the make up - break up with my wife because well, SHE WAS MY WIFE.  If you have any intention of fulfilling 'to death do we part', you get over that.

But any other relationship, no.  You say, I say, we both say it's over, it is over.  Can talk with you like you are an ace boon coon, but as far as renewing anything, no.  I like exploring, and it is in 'leaves no foot had trodden black' that I make my strides.

When I got back with Mookie, it was after strong consideration that I had met the lady I was supposed to be with.  I have met WAY MORE great women than I have been a good guy.  That some of them still maintain(!!!, see, I can FEEL them ... and occasionally my BFF tells me some of them ask about me!) warm feelings towards me is just amazing.  This accounts for the contrasting good cat/bad dog conflict in my relationship life.  Yes Virginia, I did think that somehow I was deserving of some 'payback'.  After all, that is what karma is all about.

Still kind of sold on the impression that I have 'met' her, just isn't Mookie!  At any rate, I am going to lay off the partner thing for a nice long while.  Looking forward to hanging out with my family and more importantly going to Carolina and Georgia to visit my girls!  I have spent enough time in both places to have called them 'home'.  Love Carolina, like the Atl.  Nixxie and Pecan Sandie have gone on with their lives, so there isn't any romance there ... just good feelings for me.

...and there is STILL Nebraska ..!

Can't remember what and how I connected to Nebraska the person, but I know how I connected to Nebraska, the state!  I had started to follow football as a young child, and Keith Jackson's voice for ABC seemed to be a little more fuller calling the games for the Huskers.  They came and beat Ohio State one year, and since red was my favorite color ...

Vince Ferragomo, Jarvis Redwine, Trev Alberts, Neil Smith ... and I could name more.  But not only do you connect with stars when you connect with your favorite teams, you connect with guys you just root for, like in baseball here, there is a lot of 'love' for Brandon Inge, though he isn't a star player for the Tigers.

I am a lot like that, in I like who I liked.  Though he wasn't the best quartback during a forgettable era of Nebraska football, I have had some 'love' for McCathorn Clayton ... in fact, KT could have had McCathorn (I would have called her 'Cathy'!) for a name, but her Mum liked the alternative better!

The point is, there is a certain 'vibe' for Nebraska, with or without 'Nebraska'.  Its on my list.

WHERE I'M GONNA GO ..?

... uh, that is from the Kings of Leon song, 'Knocked Up'.  It is playing right now, and the singers voice has the tired, questioning worry that you need in this kind of song, in this kind of confusion.  I hope they make a couple of more good CD's.  I really like this one!

One of the differences between the rock bands that I like and the rap and r&b crap that fills the airwaves, is there is clear and distinct lines of demarcation between what is commercial and what is artistic expression.  Don't get me wrong, as I am sure that the 'KOL' and Interpol would't mind conscious shattering success, but at the same time, they do what they do, which is they make the music that they like as much as what they can sell.

See, that claptrap they call R&B can't convince me that they make music.  Devoid of true content, they push extremes, in sterotype and expectations.  Now if they could all sing like Jill Scott or drop lyrics like KRS-One ... they would still have me as a fan.

But they don't.  So listen to the 'Fountains of Wayne' and enjoy!

The Big Finish

... am I really this cheery?  The choices of moods on here are so very limited ... but 'chillin' does seem to fit me best.  Chilling is what I do most everyday, in most every situation.  Like the commercial says, 'Never let 'em see you sweat'.  And I try not to!

I have had my moments ... in fact, I had a whole year in '07!  But I enjoy being able to stop, draw a deep breath, and get up and go to QD and get me a Coke, some candy, and a Detroit Free Press!  I enjoy sheving books at the library, and I enjoy when I ride my bike ringing my bell making little children laugh!

Be real?  What, like that isn't a part of reality?  It's my reality, and that is good enough!

...and my doctor agrees

SPARE ME THE EXPENSE ...

Though I hadn't seen it, the movie I was pulling for, 'No Country For Old Men' did pretty alright.  Glad for it.  From 'Blood Simple' to 'O, Brother', the Coen brothers have proved theselves superior filmakers.  I am sure they could interpret my blah life and turn it into a epic!

My weight is down to 217, which is SERIOUS fight weight.  I was a stud at this weight 10 years ago.  But because of my illness, I don't think it will stay.  Not only that, I feel 'weak' and smaller.  Not being able to lift weights mean that there won't be an increase in size.  In fact doing what I am doing, pushing myself with high reps will provide definition, but no strength and no size.  Which is cool, since I don't need to be kung-fu mega strong anymore.

Now for what I think, at least for my diary, is the worst kept secret in the world - I am going to leave Mookie.  Since this may disturb some people, the subject matter isn't going to be kind.  Anyway, I reached this conclusion this past weekend, Saturday night.  She went out with lil' Mook and one of her sisters ... for too long a time.  It doesn't matter what they did, or where they were or what time they came in (to be honest, I took some medicine and it laid me out ... but they left at 5 pm and I fell out at 9 pm). 

Whenever it was, it was too late for someone in a committed relationship to be coming home.  Period.

SURPRISE ... sometimes ... I'll come around ...

That there was not even a courtesy, 'I'm out with the girls' phone call confirmed what I have been working against.  She just doesn't get it.  Not that she is this, or she is that.  But what works in a relationship is different from what is expected in a relationship.

When I told Nebraska that I had given Mookie a promise ring, she was besides herself.  'Honor among theives', but I respect her feelings.  To her, that I had given Mook a ring signified a certain stature to our relationship that she was unwilling to sully.

To me, a promise ring is a promise ring - were we 17 again, it would matter.  The rational behind the promise ring was to see if Mook recognized it as a sign of a deepening of our relationship.  She didn't, doesn't, and so when I leave, it is coming with me.

FEBRURARY SPAWNED A MONSTER

Man, this has been a LONG month!  It was just a few weeks ago that I said that things were going to be resolved.  Unfortunately, Mookie went to the Kelvin Sampson school of rehabilitation ... the things our conversation were to resolve would be immediately be undone.  But this time, following what happened LAST YEAR with dealing with our relationship failings, I won't bring 'us' as a subject up for discussion again.  I have enough to worry about.

The 'unreality' in this is, if I am half the cat I have claimed to be, then what IS Mookie's problem?  Since it IS my reality, I don't care.  I am going to leave.  But this ain't no 'didi mow' off no rice paddy in the Asian jungle.  It took two full years to reach this point ... and it took nine months of dating to get me here.  I have earned the time I want to allot myself for this procedure.

Does Mookie know?  No, not at all.  In fact, we JUST THIS MOMENT concluded a conversation regarding her job.  She works for a bank that has just been bought by a larger bank, and there is going to be the requisite job shrink.  When I first heard last year of what was going on, I did want to 'coach' her through the 're-engineering', thinking that perhaps if she saw that sticking together we could pull through, it would help the relationship.  No such luck.

So ... NOW WHAT ..?

Now I am not some naive waif.  I know what must be done.  And I have earned the right to do things as I see fit.  No matter what else is going on in this house, my priority will be preparation for my next move.  There won't be (much) dissin' and pissin' and moanin' about her or any other social interaction in the household.  That just isn't my style, and it will take all that I can do to get 'dress right dress, and cover down' as I maintain my personal discipline.

What ever problem we have with each other, is now moot.  What is the point of talking about what I don't care for about her, what she finds off-putting about me, since there CAN BE NO resolution.  I have given past the point of diminishing returns, and I could care less what the state of affairs are when I make my exit.

From making my arrangments with the proper government agencies and securing my health care options, I will have more than enough to be concerned with.  As to the 'family unit', well, if this meant anything to Mookie, then she would have shown up better than what she has.

Little mad ... more disappointed ... and VERY hurt.  I really thought that if I were to commit to someone as clearly as I have with Mookie, that I would make it to the championship game ... and win it.  Don't know if making it to the 'sweet sixteen' has the same sense of accomplishment on something that had 'Final Four' written all over it.

Right now, I don't want to lock in a  month max time to leave.  There are some administrative things that must be done, as I am entertaining the possiblity of leaving the state.  Detroit is a little to rough and too mean for me now a days, and I don't think I would like being a recluse in an apartment, or stuck upstairs in my Father's house.  Got some thoughts, so it isn't that hopeless.  Must admit, it feels super good to be looking forward to being just what I want to be, not what maybe someone wants me to be.  Especially when they don't know what they need in their lives' themselves.

Enjoying myself

… pre show …

Listening to Vanessa Williams’ interview with Barbara Walters, her relationship with her former husbands is the telling thing for me. Her obvious affection is something I am jealous of ..! Sure, my first wife has some feeling for me, but my manager won’t make the match … the size difference is STILL to great and she is stronger in the clinches!

Sitting alone in the basement watching the Oscar’s. It doesn’t have the same resonance for most men, but I am not most cats! I wouldn’t mind calling my buddy Hutch, but I know he is deep into this stuff … would be beyond him to be at a party over a good friend’s house … she is a theatre mucky-muck at EMU and has the ginchiest parties.

Looking at the red carpet does nothing for me, as I can’t really tell who is looking ‘fierce’ and who isn’t … but FAYE DUNAWAY, who I remember for more than ‘Mommie Dearest’ (‘Eyes of Laura Mars’ anyone?) and I guess for the timing, she has a ‘fierce’ coming from me.

I do wish that I had seen ‘Michael Clayton’ when I hung out with ‘braska last fall. I so rarely get the opportunity to see a film that I am legitimately interested in with someone. Not that the movie we did see, ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’ was a disappointment … it was on MY list.

To see the Oscar list, and of the movies nominated, three of them were on my personal ‘want to’ see list, I feel a little frustrated. Both ‘Clayton’ and ‘… No Country’ had brief runs in the middle of nowhere, and the have brought ‘Juno’ out for another stroll.

But ‘Juno’ doesn’t necessarily seems like it should have been that big. Haven’t seen it, just my vibe. Just as my personal choice is going to be ‘… No Country’. It seems like I would like it very much.

Hiliary Swank!!!

Is kung fu mega hot! She just broke my heart in the movie ‘Boys Don’t Cry’. She seemed committed to her character in ‘Million Dollar Baby’ no doubt, but do anyone remember her turn as a police officer in the movie ‘Insomnia’? I saw the original version at the DFT … while I thought the Swedish(?) version a little more intense, Al Pacino and Robin Williams did a real good job with the material.

Helen Mirren looked good on the carpet as well. But that is about it for me. The evening’s winner as far as I was concerned ,was Vanessa Williamswho did the interview with Barbara Walters. That girl has its sooo together!

But Katherine Heigl scores EXTREMELY high in the ‘gettability’ factor, as in, ‘if she wanted it, she could get it, as much as she liked!’

… gonna get back into the show … here’s hoping for ‘… No Country’!

... cause I feel like it ..!

... watching ESPN this morning, they ran a story about the Va Tech basketball game last night.  They had a 'Hokies for Salukis' night, where the Va Tech fans all worn tee shirts with Northern Illinois colors.  Truly if any group of people could share in the pain and grief on the Northern Illinois campus, then it would be the people at Virginia Tech.

Something to think about when it is said how out of place sports is in our collective consciousness.  It was amazing to see all those people decked out in the red and black of NIU.  The act said, 'Brother, I feel your pain and you are not alone.'

Oh, Va Tech won the basketball game too.

Phrase for the day

Not something I plan on doing on a regular basis, but one of my projects is copying my favorite words and quotes to a floppy or a disc for easier access and portability.  Ran across one that I thought to share: "Nothing contributes so much to tranquilize the mind as a steady purpose- a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye."  -Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly.

That is what my 'big idea' is, the point upon which the inner, intellectual eye is gazing upon, trying to find its focus.  The thrill is the challenges that I face, I mean they are HUGE!  In fact, I can see myself as some point broken in tears as I push through to reach my destination.  In fact, I look forward to that moment, because if it doesn't happen, it would mean that nothing changed, and I am still stuck in the mud.

I can't remember all the details, but I have a strong memory of riding a Merry-go-round and watching one of the kids riding with me, reach for the brass ring and fall.  After they resume the ride, I of course reached out and grabbed the very ring.  Not all of my results have been that successful, but that is the kind of cat I am.  Who dares ?!? I do, that's who!

So You Know ...

George Michael can sing!  I have been a fan since his Wham! days (and I do mean 'since' those days ... all the way back to 'Young Guns'!).  Listening to 'Last Christmas' takes me back to days where my burdens were light and the road ahead ribboned out before me clear of traffic.

Well, I am the library to do my little 'quote project'.  It is going to take some time, but as Boy George sang, 'Time oh give me time ... time makes lovers feel that they got something real, but you know they ain't got nothin' but time ...'

... yeah, I am nostalgic ... so what!?!

... the name of this journal is ...

STARS, LIKE GRAINS OF SAND IN MY POCKET

I read it as a short story in an anthology.  Good story but better title.  It speaks to the universe within and without.  I have my incomplete, flawed dreams still ... and reality has taken none of their promise ...

... today's journal entry is going to be about that ... the stars in my pocket.

FAMILY DAY

I am still 'under contract' and I will continue as best as I can until otherwise assigned.  I got free tickets at the beginning of December for a free activity sponsored by the library - 'A Day With Theo and Thelma', where the actors who portrayed those iconic characters on 'The Cosby Show' and 'Good Times' spoke for free downtown. 

Me & the Mook's got ready and went.  It was a good family activity for the day.  We saw some of lil' Mook's teachers and the Mother of one of her friends.  I don't think Mookie really can appreciate the kind of things that I spurr our little clan to do.  This is the kind of social interaction that carry big dividends, from how other's see her and lil' Mook, and the self esteem lil' Mook gains from being 'carried' and exposed to such things.

For me, it is always interesting when people who are in the public eye, and have a certain 'currency' to speak uses almost verbatim the words to describe situations and emotions.  The irony is rich ... but this isn't a 'beat up' Mookie thing ... I don't do that.  Miss me?  I could care less.  That isn't my problem.

Since I did start this, I will 'press the play' so to speak.

"I might not go to church every week like your mother, but I believe that every man on the street is my brother."
 --John Freeman Bramble

Every time I saw this quote, I thought what an insightful man!  Why couldn't more people understand and embrace this simple concept and stop the struggle over deism?  That it is someone's beloved father added to its poigancy.  I was able to borrow it from another diary From the Edge of Dementia.  When I saw it, I felt pulled by it, as it captures my feeling towards brotherhood.

I am agnostic.  But I respect each and everyone desire to worship or not worship as they choose.  'There are more than enough to fight and oppose, so why waste good time fighting ..?' sang Morrissey in the song 'Hold On To Your Friends'.  I agree, so I try to not remain angry, or even to become angry at a person, no matter how frustrating or exasperating they may be.

Like Mookie.

... and here's Dr. Phil!!!

The tiny brained folk that stumble through my life, don't understand how someone who can go to church all that, hang out with a cat like me.  See, faith is actually VERY important to me, and a vital aspect of my life.  From Joesph Campbell to the Upspanishad and many, many philosophers and thinkers in between, the philosophical and intellectual respect to faith is something that is important in my life. 'According to your faith, so be it onto you.'  Many people have heard that ... they go into there houses of worship and come out and lie in bed on Sunday night agonizing over how they are going to pay their bills, manage their jobs, all that, and to top things off, they can't see how it is going to be possible.

... but I could have thought that it is provided for you ... That is why Dr. Phil likes to ask, 'How's that workin' for you?' , when your behavior only seems to reinforce the negative consequence of your action.

My thing with folks, and yes Virginia, Mookie is among them, is that they don't let their faith work for them.  One of the reasons that I subscribe to one particular journalist, is that I believe in the sincerity of her faith and the examples of it in her life fairly resonates through the screen.

See, I believe ... I will call on a 'Calvin 'n Hobbes' where Hobbes asks Calvin, 'Is there a God?'  and Calvin replies, 'Well, someone's out to get me!'

And someone is.

When Mook and I hooked back up for this go around, we had this discussion at the top of the hour.  I asked her to look through some of my PERSONAL COLLECTION ... faith, I told her, is VERY important.  It isn't that I ever wanted to sleep in on sundays, but I have chosen a different path, sanctioned by my Mother.  The thing is, I have to continue on it, which means I have to read and listen and sometimes even go to the message.  But I don't sit still with it.  Faith is personal, but all faith is an action.  Just because you show up on Sunday, doesn't mean you have 'faith'.  Faith is what you do between visits of nourishment, not for the two hours you are dressed up and waiting to gossip about fellow parishoners.

When Dr. Phil asks that question, he may as well be asking about your relationship with your diety.  You should be acting according to your faith ... is your faith misplaced?  Are you frightened of it?  What?

I am quiet around here, not because I want to be, but because Mook doesn't seem to see where if she gave some of her problems off to her faith, she could appreciate what blessings she has in her life.  Lil' Mook is a wonderful, beautiful girl.  A straight A student because SHE SET her own goals.  That she is that kind of kid is a testament to her Mother.  Her worldly worries about money, her job, those are issues that are beyond her direct control.  Appreciate the things she has, her BLESSINGS, and work from there.

These are the things that I would like to tell her.  I would like to tell her that if you want better, than believe in better ... ask and so be unto you, right?

... uh, yes this is a HUGE thing

And yes, it is a deal breaker.  Say what you want about my dysfunctional family, my personal failings, but you can't say that it is from lack of faith.  We believe in something larger than us, something that will pull us through if you but believe.  Such a simple thing ... yet people find it so hard to do.

This may sound awkward, but again, I will revisit my trip to Chicago in November.  There were plenty of uncertainties with that arrangement, but on the faith that I had, in myself and in the planning and preparation, I was able to have a wonderful time.

What ever positive thing I have had happen, belief in the unseen has played a big role in its outcome.  I am troubled when someone can go worship week after week, and I can see and hear evidence that the lesson isn't either being taken or properly given (which is a tagent I would rather not go on ... so let's not go there).

The way I operate is, if you believe and let your faith do its work for you, then trust that we will find each other heading in the same direction, literally and spiritually.  I am a postive cat, and I don't know which faith is followed on negative concepts.

This is what I mean ...

... whew.  Even as I skate on the boundary of something that I find negative, I find myself being fatigued by the effort.  It takes so much more enegy to fight my natural impulse to see things in the best light.  This thinking started as I had mentioned, when I heard both Malcom Jamaal Warner and Brenda Bernadette Stains speak about things I had previously covered in conversation with Mookie.  And to watch her listen as if it was enlightenment offened me.

But it is done, and I am going to get back on message.  Hopefully the roughest part of winter is behind us.  That is something else taking some stuff out of me.

... operating at 95% capacity ..!

Remember when ..?

Alan Greenspan, who I thought was the master of global economy had said the US economy was full with 'irrational exuberance'?  I had that yesterday ... a couple of journals and a comment or two in mine really had me wanting to 'reach out' and hold the author's close for a moment.

While I have never 'wished' to be different, there are moments where I wish I could 'turn off' and just be among the sheep-like masses ... but I am over it now, so 'as you were' ...

DOCTOR'S VISIT

When the nurse came in and read my BP, I at first didn't know what she was saying ... the words sounded that foreign to me, it has be so long since I have heard a normal reading ... to hear 'six figures' is NOT out of the question.

Part of what makes me feel so attached to my health care is that relationship I have seems so sincere.  There have been visits where they have kept me at the clinic and call a bus to take me to hospital, one time one of the nurses from the clinic rode with me ..!

So to go from that to a benign, normal reading is just stunning.  Now I don't count the weight that they take at the clinic, as the environment doesn't have the controls ... for one, I was fully clothed ... but since they had me at 224 with my TWO jackets on as well as my being dressed I can just imagine how much I now weigh.

But I don't think that it is necessarily a 'good weight'  Though I have kept exercising, I haven't been eating normally and riding to the clinic, I felt weaker than normal.  But not weaker impaired.  I have relied upon my physical strength to carry me for quite awhile now ... it may be cool to adjust to being a 'smaller' cat ...

... Monday get my cholesterol tested ... good grade on that, and man how much better can things get?

My CD's ...

I am not good at searching things out on the internet, sorry.  I am an old school shopper where I like to track and find my bargains.  For instance, I would like to find some CD carriers.  I have well over 700 CD's.  I plan on getting an IPOD for the stuff on the computer, but I want to keep the physical CD collection that I have. 

I can find a way to store the cover art, but the cases have to go.  I don't know what it is I am asking for, but I will know it when I see it.

Typing Test

I have been fumbling through an online typing test, starting to finally get some improvement.  Don't expect to reach my peak speeds in the low 80's ... but if I can put together something consistent ... I can delude myself into thinking that I may get back into the clerical field! 

Please, don't ask me why I have wanted to be a secretary ..!  I just don't know ..!  I wonder if my BFF could find something around our office for me to do part time ... that would be super kung-fu ginchy cool ..!

The Big Finish

No 'big finish' today ... kind of just segue back into being normal ..!

... like Atlas after he shrugged

THE BIG IDEA …

Though it is still too big to put to paper, it isn’t too big to be committed to. And it is big enough to brighten my eyes and to make my heart race!

It’s truly big!

WORKING THROUGH STUFF

I don’t know, but it is to be expected that whenever there is a song that wails of love’s heartaches, that there will be those who someone identify with the singer, in spite of the contradictions that are present in their realities. You can’t help but hear it in the wail of some teenager who wonders why her crush doesn’t call her and they can’t see what she sees in the present object of his affection.

Boys do it too. I have said MANY times in this journal that Morrissey sings my life (still!!) and Radiohead break out song, ‘Creep’ is all about loner-stalker alienation. It is how you resolve things that make the difference.

… when it’s NOT a river in Egypt …

I am not really keen on political correctness. I was brought up in a era where disabled was equated with handicapped. I don’t want to get into the self-esteem issue right now, because I am going somewhere else. But better believe I got something for those who wants their ‘self-esteem’ to be respected …

… getting back, since I am handicapped, the person that I am just goes at things and deal with mainly two things -- point A and point B. All that warm and fuzzy stuff, goes out of the window. If I ask someone to take and observation of me, I don’t want to hear all that ‘Ophra-ized’ (but I do watch her show, and have forever ..!) feel good crap talk. I am asking you your opinion because it matters and important decisions are to be made off of what I ask you … so TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!

See, I can take it … YOU are the one who can’t. I won’t muss your fragile ego, but as for me … look people, have you ever been knocked unconscious in a fight you were winning on NATIONAL TELEVISION? No? Trust me, you calling me out isn’t going to wound me gravely. And even if I hadn’t endured that mortification, then you haven’t been through the military, have you?

Again, if I ask it, tell me. I believe I can take it.

Still, there is a protocol for ignoring what may seem sound and convincing. When you have set a course and the winds want to work against you and the seas begin to roil, and you STILL are supposed to get ‘there’, then into the winds and the approaching storm you sail. You have taken the tack … destiny lies beyond the storm ..!

Sports are full of this ‘into the storm we sail’ kind of accomplishments, or is the most recent Super Bowl already forgotten?

The kind of ‘denial’ I am now speaking of, is the denial that people who have done the things that others thought they can’t, possess. I think I didn’t have enough of it, that I looked up from my pursuit and lost my way. The formula I sought to use is simple enough, but you have to ‘see the tree, be the tree’ to make it work.

For me, I need an avatar.

SQUARE PEGS

I remember Sarah Jessica Parker from THAT show! Jami Gertz too, and that the Waitress sang their theme song (‘I Know What Boy Like’ was their big song!) Can’t call an episode to mind, but I recognized most of the caricatures from my school experiences! That I would find ‘mournful Morrissey’ along with ‘regretful Robert Smith’ of course went hand in hand with that.

I didn’t ‘dress’ to fit a group, I just know that I wasn’t into what everyone else was … in fact, I STILL like Girbaud jeans, and prefer adiddas ‘gear’! I was wedded to the idea that I was never going to fit in, and that was alright … Holden Caufield made it so!

Though I had read Richard Wright’s ‘Black Boy’ in 6th grade, I didn’t find myself ‘feeling’ a literary character until I stumbled upon ‘Catcher In The Rye’. The violence and mindlessness in ‘A Clockwork Orange’ wasn’t me in the least, but in Holden Caufield, like many alienated teenage boys, I found a comrade!

Being young where a month moved like two, it seemed like forever until I entered the service, and I found more ‘literary devices’ to live through. The Russian writer that I liked, Nikolai Golgol wrote several stories, but none that impressed itself upon me like ‘Diary of a Madman’. I STILL feel the confusion of its addled protagonist.

Coming home and my whirlwind courtship to marriage, I found THE literary character, Richard Wright’s Cross Damon, the cursed subject of his novel, ‘The Outsider’ that I found the character that I felt was in my soul and I could identify with. Tortured on all fronts, seizing a dark opportunity to shed one skin to try to put another.

That he had a bitter end … that is semantics! The thing is, the cat had some good ideas just poor execution!

THE UNFORGIVEN

I watched that movie at the top of the year, to remember what made it such a strong point of identification for me. I watched the film, ‘A Few Good Men’ to see if it was there … and other than Jack Nicholson’s speech as Col. Jessup, it wasn’t there. But in William Moody, I found what I was looking for.

Tortured by what he once was, he was fortunate enough to fall into the arms of a life he had disdained. Suffering under its demands gladly, opportunity has been brought to him if he could recapture the venom of his past …

He had trouble drumming it up. The William Moody he was, he had spent years trying to forget. Though he had isolated himself from the life he led, it would find him in a roundabout way, and you would see that even the friendless has a friend …

… after all, shouldn’t we ALL have someone who can bring the shovel and will drive the car to do the burying?

And it was the loss of that friend that brought back the vengeful fury of William Moody … and woe be unto those in the way of its wrath!

LONG, I KNOW …

As I did with Nebraska and my B.F.F, I have to ease worries. One of the reasons that I haven’t committed to words what I am thinking, is that I need to run this by my therapist … measure twice, cut once. I don’t need to be guessing on where this is leading me.

But the thing that I have told my lady friends and anyone who is worried about me, is like William Moody, I AM that bump in the night, that crap guy that has your girlfriend crying her eyes out, dating her cousin … not all that bad, but I think, you get my point.

One of the reasons I have committed to relationships as I have, is that I am trying to win it all … and sometimes you have to RISK it all to try to win. Kipling speaks of ‘building with worn out tools’ in his poem ‘If’ … Been there and done that. I prefer the feeling that I haven’t reached my goal because of my own failing, and not that the goal is flawed. And I don’t want it to be said that I didn’t ‘try’ … to not ‘try’ is a crap soft cop out. I don’t believe in that and people who do, are always among those milquetoast waiting for Godot or some other never gonna happen thing …

So I am going to get this out with my therapist and then see where things go. Feels more right with each passing thought …

 

Stakes IS High

The Abstract Subliminal …

That is a line used by the rapper Q-Tip of the seminal rap group, A Tribe Called Quest. They were a part of group of rappers calling themselves ‘The Native Tounges’ and they had a different perspective from the rappers of the day, or any day for that matter. Queen Latifah, The Jungle Brothers, De La Soul were among that collective.

The kind of music they made was more affirming in nature, and kept away from the nihilism that the music genre is stuck in now. Anyway, ‘Stakes Is High’ is a De La Soul release, the last one that I purchased from them. The title song is preceded by a interview with a homeless man speaking to maybe an interviewer, perhaps for a documentary.

I was still boxing in North Carolina, still doing and living quite well. Something in the voice of the unknown man grabbed me. The description he gave of his condition and what his day to day existence had become.

Morning Edition

There is a recurring feature ‘Storycore’ which is a program with the Library of Congress where people get to tell and record a story for posterity. Today’s story was one that took me back to the soliloquy of the homeless man … because it was a former homeless man talking about how he descended to homelessness. It was there, where he thought somehow, he was not quite as bad off as those around him, when another homeless man, who by the speakers description, was worse off than he was, who took a dollar and some change and gave it to him, saying that HE needed it more than him!

It was a really touching story, and showed how the tiniest act of thoughtfulness can give a person the push they need. The speaker took the money caught a bus to get help (since it was now OBVIOUS he needed it!) and was able to get the boost he needed to rebuild his life, and give back through his work.

That is why I try as hard as possible to be kind and thoughtful. Not only is it that I may be providing something for someone else, but what ever someone is supposed to give ME I will be able receive it.

KEVIN EVERETT

I saw him on ‘Rome Is Burning’ this week. Though he was very grateful for his circumstance, the interviewer Jim Rome seemed to be trying to find the ‘hopelessness’ in his situation, trying to find the point where he lost faith. Kevin Everett who is a man of faith, doesn’t have ‘hopelessness’ in him. He didn’t come out and say it, but he never once thought that he wasn’t going to walk again.

Some may say he was fortunate that he was at one of the few places in the entire world where people who were trained in the special technique that helped with his recovery, were there to respond and treat him. Funny thing this ‘faith’ … it seems that ‘coincidences’ like the situation Kevin Everett found himself in, just find themselves bundled up tight like that.

THE BIG FINISH

Well, I think that I have a target set … I think that I know what I would like to do and where I would like to do it. I NOW wish I had a drink, because this is where the nerves start to get going. As things begin to grow sharper in focus and you start to claim what you want, the pressure increases. Though it is still in a nascent state, the idea in my mind makes so much sense that I get the anxious butterflies that a child gets prior to their birthday party!

Still a little too unfinished in my mind to commit to ‘paper’, but it is working that way. Anyway, today I have a doctor’s appointment, my M.D. … Tomorrow I will start back running in the morning!

... still pondering the insecurity of some ladies ..!

... why is it ..?

... that some women are insecure about themselves?  Particularly when it comes to their own beauty?

I wonder because I just can't recall guys sitting around thinking about if they are too this or too that or even not enough of something in regards to their own appeal to the opposite sex.

This is a carry over from my last entry, ending wondering about the self-esteem of some women and how no matter what, they can't find it in themselves to affirm what they see in the mirror.

My first wife was notorious for her lack of self esteem.  If I thought she was unattractive, I wouldn't have married her, and I would have thought that would have been a given, since I was so young.  But I never anticipated that girls had the self esteem issues that they did, as I was happy to be free of that particular milstone myself.  But not only did my first wife go to a school that was 'urban', she seemed to have that swagger that is particular to pretty young women.

I still remember being struck when I found out she thought that I was cute.  I had already started 'checking her out', and when the grapevine sent word she thought I might be worth a date ... I took her out! (now, there were too many 'intelligence failures' and to get into them here, would be out of turn)  Of all the things that I think I was the most unprepared for in our relationship was her, for lack of better term, self-hatred.

She did not like herself.  Why, I had no idea.  I mean she was a pretty girl, she HAD to know that.  She was the one who fixed her hair and put on the make up ... to what end, if she did not think she was pretty?

I would learn a good lesson from that, among the many that were being taught (some of which didn't take as well!).  One of the qualities about me is that I can make someone feel as if she is the prettiest woman that walks the earth ... subsquent to my first marriage, I have managed to make that a topic of discussion near the beginning of a relationship.

That I haven't put the whole thing together with the other elements of a good relationship is my failing ... but there isn't a person who has been in a LTR with me that can't say that they didn't feel beautiful.  I tell them that it isas much for ME that they let me moon over them as it is for them.  It is important to me that I feel as physically attractive to my potential partner as possible.  This isn't to say I don't have eyes to see, and if you ask if that skirt is too tight, I am going to tell you ...

BUT in no way does anything affect the way that I appreciate your beauty.  Can't talk about other fellas, I just know that I see the women I love in ONLY their best light.  My eyes absorb what I find attractive about you until that is all I can see.

How do women see their men?  I have always thought that men were NOT attractive in the least!  From scars to bloated bellies, I mean, I have been in many a locker room and I know it isn't a pretty sight!

But I don't think men are caught up in not looking a certain way for their women, as far as their bodies go.  Apparently, neither are women in regards to their preference in men, as they must be looking the other way, myself included!

Let me fawn over you and place you among the highest standards of beauty ... that I ask for that, that permission is kind of deep to me.  And it doesn't seem to matter how 'pretty' the lady I was vibing was, they seemed to be of the belief that they were not the belle of the ball and it would be a matter of time before they were discovered as the imposter they truly were.

Now if I wasn't offensive before, I may be closing fast here ... I know who are the most attractive women to have been in my life(in no particular order).  Yes, it is a given that Mookie is one ... she isn't the same Mook as she was at 17 but hey ... when we hooked back up, I swear she looked just like she did when I was first introduced to her.

My first wife misses the cut, but just barely.  Her crap personality does her in.  That, and the fact that NOW she can understand her role in the failure of our marriage ... anyway, My Delta Girl, the girl I was sooo in love with in college would be next.  That was the mulligan.  I should have been able to marry her, and then this crap blog wouldn't even exist, cause I would have graduated school as well as won a piece of a title and lived happily ever after!

Since I didn't, I would get to meet MLBGF(My Last Best Girl Friend), and she was a wonderful person as well as very attractive, in fact, she is the prettiest girl that I know.  When I screwed that one up, I felt a 're-engineering' was in order ... I HAD to be doing something wrong.

Now that is three ... and it had been that way, and I thought it would be for eternity.  Then I met Nebraska and I had to add to the list.  I found myself very attractive to her and her personality.  She definitley has all the goods, and that she thinks she is a clear thinker makes her even more of a winner for me.

Now there are no more plans to amend that list.  No additions, no 'reviews' or anything that is 'getting off message'.

...almost back at 'em ..!

There aren't too many CD's of mine I would offer up for 'general listening' uses, but this one, is one that I sincerely think anyone could enjoy.  It is that lazy spring Saturday music that you hold your honey's hand to and looking into the clear sky and see eternity ...

THE BOOK DISCUSSION

It went well.  I got to say my piece and the conversation about Justice Thomas was a healthy one.  Again, as I can only speak about what I intimately know, forgive some of my broad generalizations ...

One of the reasons I wish that I had said something when he was going through his confirmation, was that I didn't think he was getting a fair deal by the black social leaders of the day.  You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, and I thought if they had tried to open a dialouge with Justice Thomas, maybe he would make a different kind of justice.

When you think outside of the orthodoxy, you find yourself removed from the rolls of being 'black' so to speak.  But much of what passes for 'black culture' seems to be cultivated right out of the legendary 'Willie Lynch letter', on how it is advised to create a system of social degridation that is self-perpetuating.

I think that it creates the first major divide within blacks as a social group - either you are ignorant to what is happening and you either support it enthusiastically or tacitly (can someone identify the postive imagery of 'Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins' for me ..?) or you become someone who is, for want of a better term, a self-hater.  And there are plenty of those around.

Not speaking my mind at the time, I took the cowardly way through ... sticking my head in the sand.  I don't agree with Justice Thomas interpretation of the law, much less his social side.  His book, well written, confirmed that.  I felt that we as black people, need to stop expecting that our values are universal.  We all don't like fried chicken (no ... I DON'T ), and while I did my time as a professional athelete, I went to one of the three magnet high schools in Detroit ... I ALWAYS thought my education would get me further than my fists ...

'Kool-aid drinkers' ... I like that term.  We ALL don't think alike ... for instance, to count me as a vote for Obama would be a mistake, because I worry about his approach to Iraq ... and I wonder about McCain embracing of some of 'Dubya's' policies ... I prolly won't be sure of who I vote for until November ..!

Getting Back

I haven't gotten on the scale since Monday, but my clothes are fitting WAY looser.  I know a lot of that is because I haven't eaten (not a full meal since the Roast on Sunday) but it feels sooo good to have room in my jeans!  I would like to start running, but I am going to hold off for one more day ... don't want to relapse. 

I do have a camera attached to the computer, but I am actually self-conscious about pictures.  Maybe I will find the courage to put a picture up of myself ... it isn't that I think I am unattractive, but that I don't take good pictures.  That is how a man's ability to compartmentalize works ... I am good looking, but I don't take good pictures ... Whaa?

You would think that they both are one in the same, but in my mind they aren't.  Not only are they different, it would matter if you found ten people to say that it wasn't a difference ... that is what I think and I am going to stick to it!  Men are better at finding little handholds for their ego!  It makes me wonder some women and their fragile self-esteem ... ooh, that sounds like something that I am going to dwell upon for a bit ...

... at the library ..!

... As sick as I am ...

I got dressed and out of the house for a book discussion at the library.  The discussion is about Justice Thomas' memoir, 'My Grandfather's Son'.  I have always thought he got a bum deal from the black community, and I blame myself for that.  I didn't stand up to cats when they were hurling invectives at Justice Thomas in college ...

Since being black is all I know, I am not aware of how much racial identification means to a particular group.  But I know what it means to blacks, at least I like to believe I do.  One of the things about Justice Thomas is the authenticity of his black experience, growing up poor and raised by grandparents in the south.  To go the challenging route that he did, from Georgia to the Supreme Court, you'd think that he would be a hallowed member of the community.  But he isn't.

I think that too much was read into his being married to a white woman along with being named during Bush senior's presidency.  That he would replace a civil rights giant in Thurgood Marshall with his practical conservatism didn't help either.

Dragging myself up to the library, I want to get it out in public how I REALLY feel about Clarence Thomas.  I never thought of him as a 'sellout' or any other perjorative used for someone who denies their own racial identity.  For some reason, there are a large number of people in the black community that feels you just have to be for 'us' in spite of objective judgement.

That we as black suffer greatly under the duress of racism is evident.  I don't car what Rodney King was doing in his Hyundai, it COULDN'T have been that bad!  But what gets me is the intercine (ike that word ..!) differences that exist.  Why not learn about what makes the 'right-wing' blacks tick and how can we get them to see how our causes are intertwined, rather than sit and call them names ...

I know I have had enough being called, 'white' because my political views or social tastes doesn't follow the script.  In his interview for '60 Minutes' before the release of his book, he called people 'kool-aid drinkers'.  Now, I like some kool-aid, but I also know what he meant ... he was referencing the Guyana cult affair with Jim Jones.

Hopefully it isn't as bad as all that, but we are hardly a united group.  I know of a few people who vote for Obama as if he is going to put rims on the White House limo and pimp the White House out ..!  Que sera ...

Now that I am here at this point in my entry, I don't know WHICH of the two have had the more 'authentic' black experience, because some of the same flaws and faults are present in both of their stories ... they both overcame hardship and a difficult road to reach where they are now ... it would be cool if we could just embrace one another and accept each BLACK person for who he or she is, then move out into the open society (he says listening to 'Teen Spirit'!!) ... in fact, Stokely Carmichael said exactly that ...

... anyway, time for the book discussion ..!

.. still sick ..!

Lake Champlain

Meredith Viera of  'The Today Show' is going to do a polar bear plunge for charity there later today.  With the Adirondacks in the background, it is just a beautiful looking place.

I have been up that way, fighting as both an amatuer and  professional ... I used to be envious of the folks who lived up that-a-way until I saw Stephen King's 'Storm of the Century' ... that cured me of the desire to live in small, isolated communities and gave me a greater appreciation of urban life!!

So, it is true ..!

At least for this February!  What a cold, cruel month!  I can't remember the last time I have 'felt' the weather as strongly as this month.  I had hoped to start really getting out and running hard this month, but obviously that didn't happen!  Not having a fight to get ready for takes away the urgency for me, for sure.  Looking at my log, I have managed to get outdoors to run only 6 times.  But I have taken the opportunity to work on the stability ball though, but being sick, my balance has been off ... which means I have been falling off the ball quite a bit!

Looking over some of my entries for this month, once I get over all the bad grammar and spelling mistakes, I see where it looked like Mookie finally got it, and just as quickly it seems as though she didn't.  For some, it is like, 'dude, don't YOU get it?  She isn't going to change! (okay, maybe for a lot of people, that is how it would be!) And that may be true, but hey, what are you gonna do ..?

No, seriously.  I am so like 'wow, here you are, living in a glass house and YOU'RE throwing stones?'  I don't have the temerity to tell someone about themselves, so I just smile and nod my head, trusting in my capacity to hold on to my thoughts, to my 'objective evaluation' of their thought process.

In my life's experience, I have found people quick with sharp words often haven't answered deeper questions about themselves.  They wallow in their own 'sea of doubts' and the only way they can alleviate the internal pressure that they feel, is to give harsh advice ... 'I am just trying to be a good friend' ... right ...

They can dish it out, but of course they can't take it.  That is one of the reasons I have sorta been glad of the way that I came through my life, though of course, a little more success would have made things even better.  From being picked on, to having to be obligated to stand up for those who can't stand for themselves, to finally being sort of an overdog,  I have a fuller understanding than I can be credited for.

Anyway, it isn't like I have taken 'the road less traveled' before ...

Linked Episodes (for me at least!)

Irony …

Guess what kind of Pop-Tats Mookie brought into the house yesterday ..?

Strawberry … unfrosted. Just sayin’ …

Trouble

But is it really? I kind of think that Barack Obmama’s cribbing someone else’s words with out is is definitely a blemish on his candidacy. But Miss America wakes up with morning breath just like we all do. Still, I wonder how this is going to play out. See, I got the feeling that the Democrats want to field a viable candidate so badly, that there may not be a big to do about this. Even if the Clinton machine goes after Obama, it will pale to the Republican attacks.

For instance, I am still at a loss at how folks believed the smear done on McCain and Kerry.  Remember, duty under fire was be smeared by the machine that put Bush in office. Both McCain and Kerry saw action, and Bush manage to screw up duty on the home front. People that can do that kind of thing won’t be kind to Obama, especially if what I suspect about McCain is true, that he sold his principals to gain a shot at the presidency.

Being Sick

Glad I called the pharmacist. Seems like there are decongestants in everything in this house, and I am not suppose to take them. I think that I am doing alright, considering that this is feeding into a HUGE insecurity for me.

Now follow a little close here … cause I am going somewhere else first. I don’t think I will be able to catch up on all the alerts, but I did happen to open one yesterday. Since I have gotten permission, I won’t say who’s it was, but she is a fine writer, and her story yesterday touched me.

She owns a working dog that survived hurricane Katrina. She and the dogs are good friends and going by the words she used to describe their relationship, they complete one another. Apparently they were out in the world and a storm came through their town. The journalist noticed the behavior of her friend, and settled her down and got her to a place she can relax.

That is what good friends do. It stopped being about the trip out and started being about helping a friend in need. See, though I have spent most of my adult life being the ‘road team’, this is my first time ‘shackin’.

There are reasons that this provincial town was in my rear view, but at first Mookie made up for the shortcomings. Then something happened, and I haven’t been able to figure it out. Right now, I don’t even know how to stop a nose bleed! (consider, as a child, my Mom was around … growing older, a trainer always did it ..!) So I am really not expecting Mookie to do anything, as whenever the role was reversed, no one had to remind me to do something, even if it wasn’t the right things.

Sometimes it is just as simple as a cold compress and a back rub. Right thing, wrong thing, the WORST thing is to do nothing.

THE BIG FINISH

First, apologies around to anyone who receives alerts to this mess of mine. I was really out of sorts, and I guess it showed!

‘Leadership’ has been on my mind recently, and you can find it on display so clearly in sports. The emotional mix makes it one of the best places you can find out what men tick. Camile Paglia once said, ‘The first woman president will understand football.’ And there is an important distinction between baseball and football and how it relates to a man psyche.

Hockey is right up there too, along with boxing, with being a general litmus test for what makes a man just that. Henrik Zetterberg for the Red Wings displayed the traits that I think Drew Nietzel lacks for State basketball.

Though the Avalanche aren’t an ‘Original Six’ team, they may as well be the ‘Original Seven’ consider the rivalry they have with the Wings. Playing on the road, and slumping, the Wings needed to play ‘big’ last night in Denver.

In the first period, some lug for the Avalanche laid the best player in hockey, the Red Wings Nick Lindstorm OUT for the game. No other sport has the unwritten ‘retribution rule’ etched as fierce as it is in hockey. You go after one of the other team’s star player, someone WILL come after you.

It seemed to spark the Wings after they beat up on the cat. Then Henrik Zetterberg, who is a ‘lover, not a fighter’ as a hockey player, scored a goal, had an assist and got in the middle of a scrum!

Almost a ‘Gordie Howe’ hat trick … and he played for the Wings! Good to seem some things don’t change, just the names of the folks doing the thing!