... mood choices are incomplete

PROLOUGE ...

Yesterday I made a comment about the show, 'The Biggest Loser'.  I said I was confused at the low amount of weight lost and the weight gains.  The reason that I am confused is that in my experience with 'training tables' where you are in that kind of atmoshphere, having your food choices limited, the only way to gain weight is to have cheated, either in working out or by 'leaving the reservation' and going off the diet program ...

... that is what furrowed my brow ... now on with the show ...

I am wondering what the new show, "Oliver Stone" is going to be like.  The commercials give me the impression that music plays a particular role in his life, with certain songs coming to him, and working to help him make sense of life.

HEY ... I do that!!!

I know I am not alone.  I still let songs carry emotions for me.  I am wondering if my musical tastes will ever 'age' as I try to find the current songs that appeal to me instead of sticking to the songs that are already in my 'mental song catalouge'.  The idea for the show seems so common, that ANYONE could have came up with it.  But there are a lot of factors that come into play, and one of them is the actual process of leading a life that puts you in a place where your moment of inspiration meets with life's opening up for your opportunity ...

...like how Peyton Manning's moment is going to open up this Sunday!

... but no one REALLY remembers the conference semifinalist!

There is a phrased used in sports to motivate folks ... "no one remembers who lost the Super Bowl", to inspire you to push a little harder to win what ever your 'Super Bowl' may be, to get you to strive for your moment to be excellent to happen precisely when opportunity shows itself.  Mixing metaphor, I substitute the NCAA basketball brackets (Michigan State is a special team ... Final Four written all over it ..!) for mine.  There is a little more wiggle room, and seems more like life ... I would say that no one remembers who lost their second game in 'March Madness' ...  The point that I am gettingto, is that I have been married before and divorced. 

Like some teams that will grab an invitation to March Madness, perhaps I didn't deserve to be married.  Don't matter, because I have been.  That to me, means I made it into the tournament, and went all the way to the championship game, deserving or not.  There is a certain confidence that comes from having scaled such heights, even if you only do it once, even if it may have ended totally uncool.  Single folks have no idea of what that kind of pressure is like.

There is only one 'first time' to jump out of a plane ... only one 'first time' to have summit a mountain.  Doesn't matter if it was just for fun, skydiving or if the moutain wasn't part of a great range.  Because you made it, the achievement is notable and worth remembering.

I have danced in the 'big dance' of relationships.  Like it or not, I can claim to know what it takes to at the very least to get to the finals.  Now, I do wonder if I will ever win one ...

HOW ARE THINGS ON THE WEST COAST ..?

That show on Bravo, 'The Millionaire Matchmaker' really is something I can identify with ... not the 'Millionaire' part, but the being so socially awkard part ... I like to think that I know how these cats came to feel so out of sorts when it comes to investigating and finding women.

I remember when I finally got over the barrier.  Fortunately, it was when I was a teen.  There was some family gathering, and one of my Aunts, who is a big boxing fan, made the comment that, 'they'll be looking for another Sugar Ray Leonard, Mark so get ready.  You certainly have the looks!'

Normally I would downplay when my Mom or any of my Aunts would remark on how 'cute' I was or how much I had grown.  EVERYBODY Aunts say that about their nieces' and nephews'.  That never had meant much to me, because outside the walls of my family, I wasn't so highly regarded.

But at that moment, those were the words I needed to hear.  I remember at some point going into the bathroom and looking at myself, without a shirt on.  And it was the first time that I did something that I will prolly do soon, take inventory of myself, in an objective fashion.

I saw a kid whohad a acne-free face, no scarring of any kind on it.  Thick but with out that undevloped flab on my middle, and the beginning of rounded shoulders ... not only that, I was smart, pleasant, and a promising kid ... maybe my Aunt WAS right ..?

ANYWHERE WOULDA BEEN BETTER ...

So not looking forward to Valentine's day ... I have to 'manifest' to be a part of the same everday that everyone else lives in, and I don't particularly feel like doing that right now.  Not feeling appreciated will do that to a person.

Do think I will do a one-man Super Bowl party.  Saw some nice things on 'Emril Live' that I wouldn't be adverse to getting together.  I don't mind cooking and getting little things like that together.  Even if Mookie had cool enough friends to come over and act like they had some sense ... she does have family nearby ... maybe they would come by ... but I don't think they would be into the game enough to make it worth it ...

... it was a dark and stormy night

... no really, it IS ..!

Guilty pleasure Tuesday ..!

I really enjoy the show 'The Biggest Loser'.  Not only do I get tips on how to improve my workout, but I love seeing the transformative powers of becoming more physically fit.  I do think that I could help transform someone ... that is why I put my little workout tips out here ... and if I could pick someone to train me, I would pick Jillian, not because she is tough and hard, not even because she is super hot ... but because the way that she incorperates boxing moves into her fitness program.

Every thing she does is textbook.  From the way she hold the punching mitts, to how she has taught the contestants to throw punches.  She could work a pro boxer out with what she does.  I like that she is committed to that particular aspect of her program.  Makes me respect her and her ability to get the most out of me even more.

Not that Bob is not good.  He had that big guy doing the yoga ... but there is something about the show that has mystfied me ... how some folks weigh in so badly ... you know what I mean, small weight loss, tonight episode had weight GAINS ... I don't get it ... they are in an enviroment that is condusive to only fitness and weight loss.  Even though it takes a second to kick up that metabolism, I am thinking that because their calorie consumption is measure out for them, unless they can sneak a tastycake in, they should be losing weight ...

... number 2

The show on Bravo, "The Millionaire Matchmaker' is one that I am a fan of.  Patti, the matchmaker, is very straight to the point in assessing the men and the women.  This particular episode, the two guys are contrasts in that they look totally oposite from how I would have pegged them.  The one cat, Julien looks like he would be more socially adroit ... but his growth is retarded.  He lives in a house with some of his old college mates, and you wouldn't know he is a millionaire.

The other guy, Jeff reminds me of Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines!  There is a connection made to him and Chriss Angel, the magician.  Despite his extrovert appearance, IMO, he runs from relationships by being too busy for one.  It showed up to me, when he met his date and had a really good time.  Instead of wanting to call her up and make another date, he was going to let some time pass, so he wouldn't seem like he was pressuring the girl.

Patti said something that I think a lot of single women could use ... she said the difference between NYC guys and Cali guys is that NYC guys go after it ... they hunt.  And 'he who hunts, is he who gets'.

You know, just like I think I could be a good fitness trainer, I think that I could be matchmaker for women ... finding them cool and eligible men to develop relationships with.  That would be super cool ..!

 

 

... on a dreary damp day ...

LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT…

Two things … 1) This is an actual diary. I appreciate readers and all comments … but if my occasional “epic” entries bother you, I apologise … sorta. Because I don’t necessarily want to annoy anyone, this is by me for me. I preface this entry cause I feel a “whoot” comin’ on ..! 2) I believe very much that change comes when you change you. I am reorganizing how I think and experience life and I kind of thinks that it works …

… that said …

I am feeling rather dandy this morning. My weight is coming down and I wanted to keep it going. To accomplish this, I went on a ‘extended run’ which is where I categorize my runs of 4 plus miles. Runs like that really clear the ol’ noggin out of random debris, allowing for the birds, butterflies and squirrels to sit in the meadows of my thoughts.

Today I was taken back to when I first gained UP to where I am now at. I am a small heavyweight, by ANY standards. Going about 5’11 and 208lbs when I turned pro, I was a little guy fighting mammoths. I did have success though, but after my first loss, my ‘brain trust’ chalked it up to me needing to put on a little weight and a little more mass. It made sense, so I started to edge my way up.

SECOND CUP CAFÉ

 I have had my call ups to maybe making it into the big time. I snuck in a won a couple of times I prolly wasn’t supposed to, then when I could have thru a leg over the fence, got laid out. That is what spurred the decision to add weight. Won a few more fights, then got another call to fight on small time cable, which is big enough. It was a tough fight, but I managed to get the win.

The kid was an African émigré (what is with me fighting these Africans? I know now in hindsight, but in the moment I was like ‘What?’). He was big 6’4 and 245 - 250. He did have a softness around his middle, and though he was muscular, he wasn’t tight. Me at 225, I was cut from stone with a diamond drill (no really, I was).

The tension was thick for me. This cat had deep pockets behind him. I was brought in for HIM to fight … so I was behind the eight ball. Small town hick, used to fighting at saloons and in barns against farmers and milkmen, the deep pockets were thinking. Get a TV win and move on to the next step in ‘Kong’s’ development. That was the score, is the score, and will be the score. I was fighting from Carolina, and the wins that I had didn’t mean as much. The one big win was being looked at as the other guys’ ‘off night’ as much as I was a good boxer, especially after my bad loss. So this was going to be my chance to get my name back out a little, in the boxing circles.

Pretty Ballerina

I ‘fought’ my way up to my ‘deuce and a quarter’, meaning that there were stops at intermediate weights to see how I would carry it. So when I took the match, I was legitimately 225. I didn’t have any smart aleck remarks for this guy … I played humble because I had BEEN humbled. I just wanted to get into the ring.

Being a ‘small’ guy is a disadvantage in sports. But of course, you can change it to a positive thing, once you wrap your mind around the concept that you have no choice but to do what you need to in order to win. He’s 6’4 … I’m 5’11 … Honey, I tried to told you, the secret is OUT! I am going to be in his punching range for a looong time when we are engaged … and even when I am out of range for me, I am STILL in range for him.

I have never been a graceful guy. I have been an ‘ambler’ since I was small. Can’t dance, never thought about it growing up (didn’t matter … no one invited me to parties no how!), and I was otherwise graceless in all movements …

… except in sports. When I learned how to box … violence became the meter to which my movements would keep time to. When I learned how to impose my will upon another person physically, I may have well been modern dancer.

This cat, while similar to another big guy from Africa (sorry, I didn’t catch the nationality … I was too busy trying to figure out how to beat him down to ask), he was different in that he had more will. See IMO, big guys are short on the heart part of things, because they are so big. Cats like me, I don’t necessarily scare anyone. So when it comes time to pull cards, people will pull mine. But Mammoth guys don’t get called out, and if someone makes the mistake of starting trouble, THEIR heart isn’t in it … and when the big guy swings, they are ready to fall. Me, that ISN’T how I am cut. If he isn’t Sonny Liston reincarnated, I am going to take a run at him!

But I had been chin checked. And I NEEDED this win. So there was only one way for me to approach this fight … all in, no tomorrow, charge of the light brigade, and any other literary device you think would fit.

I have done a lot of ‘tough things’ in my life. But this was the toughest, if for no other reason that I truly believed that I had to have that win. My world would have blinked out of existence had I lost that particular match. My being was brought to bear for the first and maybe only time in my life. No doubt, the story concludes with me pulling out a victory, an improbable eight round decision win.

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SO EASY

For the other cat. Not for me. Being the smaller guy I try to get to ring center first, and stake my spot in the ring out. If I let the big guy do it, I can count on a long night of eating jabs. I use my hand speed to land quicker blows, and I let the weight of my upper body carry the punch being the blows. The difference is kind of technical, and I don’t want to bore myself with that. This technique, is what I think ‘having heavy hands’ is about.

The first two rounds were about establishing my distance and making sure my speed could offset his strength. But at some point during the first two rounds, he caught me in the right eye and it began to puff up. This change my style from an ‘in and out’ kind of boxing, to a more stationary ‘Philly style’ where I hovered around his optimal punching range and slipped his punches. Didn’t have much choice if I wanted to see him and his punches. Letting him work freely to his left, my right would have rendered him virtually invisible. So I had to also manage to stay close to him as well.

You would think being so short, that I needed to do that anyway. But using my speed and the length in my arms, I could manage at range for periods of time. This though, was different. I had to not only find that range, but I was going to have to stay there if I had any chance of winning. And the kid had shown me that he wasn’t going to crumple like most big guys do. I made him grunt (it goes without saying that he had ME do the same thing) and he stayed in close and tried to match me on the inside. He prolly caught me in close with a accidental thumb on the inside. Or it could have been a hook. But he had heart and he wanted to win that fight.

But he didn’t have stamina to keep the pace that I had set. Not just a punching pace, but a movement pace. I kept stepping smartly around, turning him so I could see him. And just like the soldier’s at Bunker Hill, whenever I could see all of him, I let punches go at him. Not trying to go for the KO, because I didn’t want to risk a big exchange with him, but I tried to fill the air with punches in his direction. For whatever reason, African boxers aren’t all that nifty with their coordination. Even in the smaller weight classes, there is a stiffness to them. This translates to certain movements, classic and simple to American style boxing, is new for them. So I wasn’t really trying to break something new out, but the pressure for execution was great. I couldn’t afford to slip up. Not only was my eye swollen, but since I was banking on a decision to get the win, I had to worry about the judging.

In the sixth round, I finally saw fatigue settle him down. He activity had dropped and he started following me around the ring instead of cutting me off. I started throwing ‘fast ball’, quick short straight right hands that were more to slap and annoy than to hurt the guy. I needed to score points. Barring his complete collapse, he wasn’t going to go down.

He NEVER gave up. I can still hear his labored breathing as he leaned me into the ropes. Whining like a car engine in the RPM red zone, he kept pushing his punches at me, not really effective, but enough for me to be keenly aware that he wasn’t giving up. Since he wasn’t going to let me win, I went ahead and took it from him.

The last round, the writing was on the wall. Though the decision was a ‘majority split’, two judges giving me the fight, the third calling it even, the big cat kept lunging after me, sort of in the mind of Frankestein rampaging through the labrotory. Only the scientist wasn’t just running, but rifling off punches to surpress his advance.

It was a good win, and prolly the one I am most proud of. Not my biggest, not the one I looked the best. But the one that I felt in every fiber of my being I had to have, and I went out and got it. Wouldn’t ever win a fight at that level, but just like Rick and Ilsa will always have Paris, I will always have that win in rooty poo casino in flyover country ..!

... feelin' like I feel

... the weather report was either erroneous, or I got confused on the long range forecast, but the weather was good, so I rode to my therapy session, which went rather well and I manage to beat the rain ...

 

Seems like one of his patients is a young boy around 12, and he has plenty of other issues I am sure.  But there are many similarities, enough for my Doctor to think that it may help to have him talk to me a little bit.  I agreed, but I am a little nervous ... after all, I am NOT the professional!  But one of the things that is similar about us, is that he is being raised primarily by his Mother.  She divorced his dad back in the long ago, but has since remarried.  The step father would like a larger role, but she has him in the back ground.  The little boy has run the gamut from being bullied to becoming a bully.  So my Doctor thinks that coming from someone who has commonalities with this kid, my words could help out ...

 

... right.  I will do my best, but I am nervous in a nervous way about it.  Screwing up myself is one thing, but to screw up some kid is another thing entirely.  That leads me to ...

 

DEPENDING ON THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS ...

 

...yes, like Blanche duBois, I too depend on the kindness of strangers.  But not in the solely dependent way that she alludes to, and not due to my clinical diagnosis.  I have always measured what was going on in my life by my surroundings and the feedback that I would recieve almost as much as my own subjective take on things.  Nervous won't keep me from chatting with the kid, because other people with a vested interest seem to think that I could help him out.  I just have to relax, and be me.

 

One of the impressive things about meeting Nebraska was howcomfortable I felt with her.  I can handle most things, after all, I am Air Assualt qualified.  But for someone to make me FEEL that, means a great deal to me, and it isn't something to take for granted.  My first wife never made me feel it, but my last best girlfriend did.  Mookie used to have it, but she's put that on the shelf.

 

I have not really worried about it much, because I have tried to become a self-contained person.  Meaning that I don't want to look outside for any affirmation of who I am or acknowledgement for what I do.  I know what I am, and I know what it is I am doing.  My problem with Mookie Dee is that in a relationship, that some of what I do should translate into something.  That what I do here doesn't seem to carry the same value as it did elsewhere or what I expect, is fine ...

 

... I will just put it out on the market and see what it brings ...

 

... haven't quite reached that point yet.  But it did throw me off a little.  Not in a bad way, but I had to process things a little differently, like I had to do with the movie, "Fraility".  I will get it there, no doubt.

 

When I left, for some reason I was called to taking the bus home.  Don't know why.  I got on the first freight back into town from my appointment, where I sat across from two girls that go to Moo U.  One looked like how I would imagine Nebraska to look at her age.  I started to wonder what I would have done if I was back in school and saw her strolling around campus.  I dismissed it, as Moo U is super huge, and it is theortically possible that I would have never, ever seen her.  Besides, those were my 'run 'n shoot' days.  I had officially buried my insecurities with the fairer sex.  I would end up pulling Greeks as well as the local yolkels, and whatever was in between.  Fell in love with a Delta, KT's Mom is a Sigma, and AKA is STILL feeling me ..!

 

... if you can do it, it ain't braggin' ..!

 

Got downtown to the main terminal, where I see a girl who looks like HIGH SCHOOL Nebraska!  I never, ever think about approaching anyone, because I am not looking to meet someone new.  But I did want to say something to High School girl, because there were a couple of guys, late teens to early twenties, who were checking her out in THAT WAY.  It would have been a roll of the dice, but hey, Vegas isn't Vegas because a lot of winners hit their rolls, right. 

 

Did make me think of how tough it is for young girls though.  I have been lucky with my little ladies, but I had to tell KT this past summer about the birds and the bees ... her Mom thought it was time, so I did my best.  At first, she was a little reluctant.  She said her Dad (and no, I don't have a problem with sharing the honorific with Gunney Sgt. because that is what he is to her ... and she knows I am her dad too!) had talked to her about it, and that they had some class in school.  Okay then, I let it go for a few days, then I brought it up again.

 

CLINT EASTWOOD

One day we were alone, and I brought up the subject once again.  We were riding bikes to the YMCA for swimming classes.  She did the 'eyeroll' thing, complete with the 'I know already, Dad' ... That was when I stopped the bikes and snatched hers by the handlebars.  "Do you?" I said, eyes narrowing.  "Tell me about it."  She managed to give a textbook description about the birds and the bees and what smart girls do and polite boys should do and all that.

"So," I said.  "Is your Mother smart?"  She nodded.  "Well, since she asked me to talk to you, let me break it down for you on how YOU got here ..."

 

My Mom did let ME know some of her foibles.  Not all, as that was left up to me growing up and learning to discover.  Though I don't remember all the advice she gave me about the subject, I am sure it was given one way, not unlike the way KT was going to hear it from me ...

... In no uncertain terms.

 

It isn't easy telling your daughter that YOU are the guy that she is being warned about.  But I did.  I also told her that it meant that I won't ever be judgemental about what her choices are, and that of all the '... you can always come to me' that she will hear in her lifetime, that when I say 'you can always come to me about anything', that I meant it.

 

We'd eventually get back to 'discussing it' like we were two people, two good friends.  Don't know if it took, and may not ever learn that it makes a difference ... but that is the point.

 

I don't want to know if I am right as much as I want her to BE right.  As long as she feels in her heart that she is comfortable with sharing with me, that she feels that she can come to me about anything, that is a win in and of itself.

 

... still doesn't mean that I can help with this kid that is my Doctor's patient, but I do have a feeling that I won't mess up.

... no, I STILL haven't found ...

... my watch but I am not worried about it ...

WEIGH-IN

Two and a quarter ... 225 ... all I can say is WOW!  I had to get on and off, then do a scale check to make sure I was reading the right numbers ... if I am down to 220 lbs by March ... LOOK OUT ..!

More tips ... so you had a food day at work and you broke yours stride ... that is okay ... a semi-fast will help get you back on line ... eat fruit and veggies with water ONLY water ... coffee and teas ARE off limits ... do that for a day, along with exercises and consider yourself back in the game ... I think that the mental strength from being able to deny yourself for one day along with following your exercise program, gives you something to hang your hat on ...

... got around to seeing the film, 'Fraility' ... someone one else PLEASE SEE THIS MOVIE ..!  I feel rewarded by sticking the entire film out ... not that it was ever bad, but I was ready to see it through one set of lenses ... now, I don't know WHAT I saw, but that is a good thing ..!  I will have to sit and digest it ...

... this is when I really miss the few people that I hung out with in Detroit ... even my last best girlfriend would have watched it with me ... maybe my buddy Hutch saw it ... he prolly did ... he watches plenty of movies ... anyway ... three stars ..!

... ugh ... not only is it raining, but it is WINDY ... I don't LIKE windy days ... no matter which direction I am headed, the wind is blowing the other way ... reminds me of how I feel in life ... even when I think I have joined the crowd, they are all going with the new what's happin' ...

... man, I don't like windy days ..!

... can he do it ..?

... of course I am talking about Barack Obama ... he talks like I feel ... hope and optimism ... his victory speech ... "Yes we can" ... Listening to Juan Williams talk about Barack's victory in South Carolina you can hear the hope in HIS supposedly impartial voice ... just like the hope in Chris Matthews voice last week when HE was asked ... I have NEVER read or heard the passion about a politician like I have heard regarding Obama ...

... I wasn't a Obama guy at first ... my guy was ... anyway, I still want him to compete ... but I have to admit, that the guy has the hope market cornered ... it is hard for anyone who wants change, NEEDS change, to stick with clearly establisment choices ... I would like to know how he feels about same-sex marriage ... and more about what he thinks we should do in Iraq ... that worries me ... will Iraq break us like Afghanistan broke the old Soviet state ..?

...back to regularly scheduled programming ...

I am going to switch up my little routine ... I have been walking with the program I have been writing about ... it is a switch for me, as I have changed my focus on the calisthenics more than trying to run in the cold ... but I like running and being out in the fresh air ... but it IS cold ... so I will ride my bike with two rides a week exclusively for fitness ...

One of the things that I have never heard when talking about boys being raised without fathers, is how it relates to their 'effeminity' ... though I don't think that I am as effeminate as others, I do have my ways (and I get reminded of it from time to time ..!) ...

Like watching pageants ... I haven't made beauty contests 'must see TV' in a good long while, but I remember sitting with my Mom and the rest of the 'girls' ( my darling brother is straight out the box gay) and watching ...

I also remember going to some 'Miss 4-H' kind of shows with Pecan Sandie ... I remember cooking with her, and making messes in the kitchen and just coming up with stuff ...

Getting back on message, I would have like to have seen Miss Michigan win last night ... I bet my friend Hutch watched.  Would have been cool, especially since things are so very depressing ... and it has nothing to do with the season ...

When I go to meet the job placement consuelor at the Employment offices, I am always struck by the faces of the people there.  I know the look in their eyes, you can even smell it in the air above the general odor of people with different hygine pratices ...

Not like I am doing much better ... but I am glad that I have MY blues and not theirs ...

... rambling ...

Sometimes, all you can do is 'live' through the blues

I hope it is a link to the Marney Rich Keenan column in Saturday's Homestyle section of the Detroit News.  One of the reasons that I think I get on people's nerves is that I am 'up' most of the time.  Not like Ned Flander's on 'The Simpson's', but cheery enough to get on folks nerves.

That was one of the more minor adjustments for the year, to get back to being me.  Last year was difficult enough without me just feeling blah on my own.  To see the bad or even darker side of things is not my style.  I didn't feel comfortable being myself, and that made things worse for me.  Even if no one else likes me, I LOVE me some Mark ..!

I wanted to write down why I think the Giants have a very good chance to win the Super Bowl next week.  As much as people want to think that destiny is on the Patriots side, Eli Manning has it plus the momentum that comes from the confidence he has, given his last 4 or 5 games.  Oh and one of them is against the New England Patriots.

The Patriots could come and bang the Giants straight away, and walk to history.  I don't see that happening.  Eli Manning is supposed to be a great player, and he has been in search of his moment.

Next Sunday, will be his chance to shine brighter than his brother.

... when an ill wind blows ...

 

… no really, what do YOU do ..?

 

At some point during the week, either late Tuesday or early Wednesday, I took off and misplaced my watch.  It is a simple Timex Iron Man that I picked up on sale from Meijer’s.  The Movado and Tag Huer days are in the long gone … the Timex fits all my needs.  Especially the most important one, of simply keeping time and date for me.  

 

               Knowing where I am relative to the stream of time is uber important to me.  Between some mostly forgotten Malcolm X quote to just knowing where I relate in how we measure the universe, having a watch on to keep time is important for me.  So every thing feels a little distorted, not fun house mirror, but the buzz distortion from a beer.  

 

               So Thursday I was able to muscle through just on my ‘want-to’ and determination.  But today was going to be different, and I felt thatlast night.  ‘Senior moments’ take a special significance for me, so I had to steadymyself.  “I was forgetful at my best,” I told myself.  “And making do with what you have is a natural thing, Mark.”

 

               I woke up early as usual.  Lil’ Mook was not going to school and Mookie was in bed, not going to work.  She had a concert at a casino that was a nice piece away from here.  Have to mention, as she is a big LL Cool J fan, that when Interpol and TV on the Radio came to Motown, couldn’t swing time to get me up and down, and as to Jill Scott …

 

               But I am good with that.  No really, I am.  The burr is that of all her siblings, and there are 5, the only one that I have NEVER LIKED is the one she is went with …

 

… now, back to our regularly scheduled programme …

 

The way out is through

         -NIN song title, ‘The Fragile’

 

               When I was eating steak and salad, earning loot from being able to beat people up, I was a big fan of the ‘No Fear’ brand.  ‘No Fear’ made tee shirts with ‘attitude’ and many of them were sports related.  I have only a few of them, in fact the one that came to mind this morning as I faced my personal anxieties, I no longer own … it was a favourite that was worn to tatters.  It said only this –  FACE YOUR FEARS LIVE YOUR DREAMS

 

               It would have been accepted if I went around the house, and let my inner turmoil keep me inside and away from the world.  I had to stay home anyway with lil’ Mook.  So just lay around, do a little housekeeping, and let the world pass me by.  I made my journal entry and I remembered that shirt … ‘live your dreams’, it said. 

               I got up, got dressed so that I could get a run in. I didn't know how cold it was in Mid-Michigan, but I know enough to just run 2 miles and call it a day!  Did my exercises, went with Mookie and sprayed off her car and aired up her tires.  She drove me to the library where I was able to get a film, ‘Frailty’ for my evening.  I joked a little with lil’ Mook before she sequestered herself on the computer for the majority of the night.  Too bad I didn’t get to share this movie with anyone … but maybe I will share it later … may even watch it again, just to get it set in.

Sometimes life is like that thing Martin Amis said ...

“… a hellish pit full of sad little bits of cardboard, twisted pieces of paper, and flecks of tobacco.”

I can’t find my wristwatch. It has been missing since Wednesday, and it bothers me. I KNOW that I had it and I also remember taking it off. But it isn’t where it is supposed to be. Grr.

Lil’ Mook has the flu. Yesterday, she didn’t eat her breakfast when I gave her the dose of medicine, and she had bad dreams. She called for her Mom and Mookie came home. Bad dreams and all that good stuff. I tried to calm her as best as I knew how, by rubbing her, holding her, and rocking her. I did for her what I would have done for Skye, Lexxie, or KT … in fact, I did for Skye and KT once or twice.

KNOCKED UP

Some fellas, coming from single parent homes where the Mom is the primary caregiver, make certain that whatever they do, they are walking the line with their children. Others still, just get ghost. KT’s stepfather is the former, as he treats her as his very own, even with his divorce from Nixxie. Me and lil’ Mook, we aren’t as lucky. Don’t know if ‘never’ is accurate, but by all reports neither of us has even laid eyes on our father.

And by all reports, neither of us has ever asked about either of them.

What did I think, growing up about being a parent? I never recall it entering my conscious mind. So when it happened, I didn’t know what it meant. Oh, being the older brother I’d like to think I knew what to do, from making formula to staying up late. But what it meant, I never really thought about it. If I had, then perhaps my sibs and I would have been tighter, I would have also stopped with Skye and we’d be super cool. But I never did.

I tell both Nixxie and Pecan Sandie that I love them whenever I communicate with them. The reason is, as I have finally matured, I can see and greatly appreciate the lengths that they have gone thru to keep me active with our girls. It isn’t like we are strangers, and big picture, I don’t have much direct influence in their lives. But we do have a relationship KT, Lexxie and I. And there is a BIGGER PICTURE to all of this. And I am sure we are all better off. Skye on the other hand, our relationship is strained, and that is more due to HER Mother. That is a different kind of entry, so that is for a different time. Because …

… I wonder what kind of full time Father I would have made. I see pieces of myself in my girls and I have been on the scene long enough to catch a glimpse of my influence in lil’ Mook. I have begun to wonder, why I didn’t feel that natural instinct when I had my first girl. It isn’t that I wanted a son as I have only thought of girls names whenever I would have those kind of conversations - in fact, lil’ Mook and KT share part of their name as they came from the same mind - mine.

AND A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS …

… and here they are … MY SHOES … now you go walk in them.

I know that the ‘welfare queen’ is the image that many people have when they think of the folks on public assistance. The single black mother, undereducated, sleeping with transient men and having babies that grow up to contribute even more hardship on society.

That the men, the brothers, are allowed to get away with not raising their children, is frowned on but frowns don’t really constitute government policy.

When I made KT, I sat and talked with Nixxie. There were a lot of factors going on in my life that made it unwise for me to remain in Carolina at the time. So we made an agreement. I would come back to Carolina and visit KT and when she got to be about 6 or 7, she can come to Detroit. We spit and shook hands. As to Lexxie and Pecan Sandie, well if I had THOUGHT I would do any different, I would have been sadly mistaken! They take the time to provide a place for me in their lives, and I try to do my best to fill it. It is what it is. Again, Skye is a story unto itself.

When I think of voiceless segments to society, I think about the cats that would be a part of their children’s lives but worry about all the non-essential things that affect the relationship. Sure money plays a part of it, but so does public perception. Not to mention the frayed relationship at the center of it, with the other parent. No, it isn’t pleasant thinking of cats like this, cats like me, as human too. But just as it is unfair to call someone a ‘hillbilly’ because they are from Kentucky, or a young woman in a mini skirt a ‘hoochie’, I KNOW it isn’t fair to lump all the ‘not there’ father’s in one pile.

I am not like lil’ Mook’s dad … I am not like MY dad …

Yep, I am smiling and I don’t care what anyone says about it!

... the focus is ...

I recieve an email from a journal reader after my last weigh in.  I had a good week as far as fitness, but I did not know if I had lost or not, as I was focused on getting to lil' Mookie.  She has the flu, and her temperature was high.

They pointed out that I had a two-and-a half pound gain despite making my exercise goals. I wasn't bothered by it, and it shouldn't bother anyone else either, if they are making an effort to get in better shape.  This winter, I have decided on a new approach, where I build muscle and grow limber through calestenics and stretching.  The goal is to be able to pick up the intensity in March, when the weather begins to change.

Right now I am trying to get my diet under control, avoiding as much junk as possible.  By finding healthy (-ier) alternatives, I hope to slowly break my body in.  My goal for weight loss is to get down to 220 lbs by March.  For me, that is a modest enough goal that I fully expect to attain.  It would represent a total weight loss of 24 lbs since November, yes AFTER I went to Chicago!

The kind of workout I have been chronicling is one that is mainly a 'set-up' for more intense work.  IMO, in order to have a sustainable weight loss, you need to at least be fully committed in two of the three facets that I think determine whether or not you are going to cut weight - aerobic fitness, resistance work, and of course diet.

You concentrate one two of the three and 'participate' in the third, and you should experience some fitness gains.  No doubt, you score a hat trick and you WILL be able to lose weight consistently, anywhere to a minimum of 2-3 lbs. per week.

Myself, I will start looking for a 'Biggest Loser' kind of transformation after I start going back to the YMCA ... you can get all your workout needs met at the Y with half the pretension of your local gym.  From being able to fellowship with others to the positive family environment, it can't be beat.  That is when the intensity will be upped for me.

Trying to decide if I want to ride across town to put in an application ... may do it a little later in the day, as temps are in single digits.  I picked up a job application on my way back from the therapist yesterday.  Though I don't expect to get a position, I want to get back into good form, which would be to pursue things with enthusiasm.  Yeah, I talked myself into it!  I will scoot out there in the early afternoon!

... have you run your checks ..?

Last night, the actor Heath Ledger was found after transition.  It seems that there may have been medication involved.  He left at 28.

Not going to get into what it says to the world, just going to make sense of it for ME.  The first thing I began to do when I heard about it, was to 'run my checks'.  The idea of 'running checks', is something carried over from my boxing.  It means probing to see what is available, what works and is working.  It functions here as to gauging my life and my outlook on it as well as myself.

This is something that I do whenever I hear of this kind of tragedy.  Like I have said, this is about how this kind of thing relates to me, and what I need to do to make sure that I don't find myself staring into it ... and hearing voices calling out to me.

Happy to report everything came back more than just fine.  Since the possibility of what called Heath, whether it was carelessness or the voice of an agonized inner spirit, I have always wondered if there doesn't lurk something in me that would be a siren ...

... and you know what sirens do to sailors, right?

No, I don't go around identifying with this sort of thing.  But it makes as much rational sense as owning a gun, even though the chances of you DYING by gun increases more than the chance you would actually use it to defend yourself.  So don't you judge me!

But I remember when I implemented this personal system, when a media figure, did affect me.  Kurt Cobain.

I had purchased the Nirvana CD 'Insecticide' during a boxing trip to the Pacific Northwest.  It was 'aiight', nothing super special.  But we know what happened when they dropped 'Nevermind' on the world.  They blew up!

I listened to 'Insecticide' again, to see if it portended more than what I heard the first time.  I couple of the lyrics grabbed me more, and as the bands story spread, I found more similarities with Kurt Cobain than a few.

Though I never would call myself a tortured soul, I do think we all have dark areas of the soul.  What inhabits these places, varies from person to person, as does how we deal with them.  Me, I take mine to lunch on occasion, and catch up withthem.  What you do is what you do.

I think Kurt dealt with his thru his music.

From outsider to idol, the swift ascension was, I think, too great for him, and he kind of caught the bends as he rose.  I don't think that coming home to Courtney Love, who I think was to him, what people thought Yoko Ono was to John Lennon (and I think that Yoko was actually good for John ... and isn't that what matters ..?).  And that is being polite.  I really think she was a scheming opportunist, that when she saw his rising (after 'Insecticide', Nirvana started to warm up, IMO), she latched on, pretending to fill the needs he had ...

... but she didn't ... other wise, I think he'd be here, still.

I think his success was a bittersweet one, with more bitter than the sweet.  What it cost him, I don't think he was expecting to have to pay that.  What it got him, he never really wanted anyway, so what did that mean?  And as far as turning to Courtney ...

...what was the name of that song Nirvana had ..? oh, I have it right here ... "I Hate Myself And I Want To Die" ...

So gaining widespread success and riches didn't ease the demons, the agony that he lived through.  So he made the leap.

I put him in a special place ... for some reason, I DID identify with him.  He should have had all that he wanted, but to me, it seemed just as obvious that he didn't.  And I would find out, by my own bleak journey to the sea of oblivion ... that I needed to find some sort of mechanism to anchor me ...

... so I would put myself in a boxing ring ... and I would run my checks, to see if what I saw was there, where I could probe ... and do what it is that I do.  Though the Cobain association wasn't Hearns - Leonard in its scope, it did make me more aware that other things dwelled in the dark corners of my own mind ...

 

...follow up

Monday was a particular day for me ... Didn't have an appointment, and because of MLK day, the Mook's were off ...

At first, I was a little on edge ... I count on the time to myself to get myself orientented ... but the day went surprisingly smooth ...

I guess they ran a Halle Berry night on AMC ... after dinner, the movie 'Gothika' ran ... I was able to catch it as Mookie flipped channels ... I mentioned that I wouldn't mind watching it ... I began gathering my 'security pile' (I have a tendency to carry books and papers with me that I have 'piled' during the week ... Mookie caught the character trait on some show, and applied the term to me ... so she knows I am insecure) to go into the basement to watch, when she surprised me and said she would watch it with me ...

SECOND TIME ... HAPPENSTANCE ...

Our relationship has been taking on water for over two years.  I don't know if that is a long time, but without showing any real progress, it is LONG for me.  I do like Mookie, and one of the clear problems I have had is that I stop getting dirty to make things work.  I blame that on my first wife, who used to fight with me, and was not too far removed from making ours a page B story in the Free Press ...

So I have felt that our relationship is 'failing'.  I am tired of being outside her "5" and unlike DeWayne Wade, I am losing my desire to be in hers.  But the hangover from my starter marriage, has maybe cost me that special happiness that comes from sharing your life with someone.  So I made a deal with myself, after Mookie complained about us having to talk almost every month last spring ...

If things were going to change, she would have to make the change.  I have covered and voiced what bothered me between us.  I can go on autopilot and get myself together.  'Playing on the road', as I am, is a disadvantage because I am don't think I could live in the provincial town we are in.  Besides, my sense of adventure wants to see somewhere else anyway ...

LETTING MY EXPERIENCE WORK FOR ME ...

... This was the second occurence of Mookie making what I would call an effort to be my friend.  What, y'all didn't know that you should strive to be friends with the person you are going to sleep with for the rest of your life ..?  Last week, we had a nice discussion about the film, "O Brother, Where Art Thou?", which segued to a conversation about "Of Mice And Men".  Now watching "Gothika", which was a 'Mark Movie', she scored more points.

I had told her before, that if she would stop and consciously spend ONE EVENING with me per week, then all the junk she was running around doing with her peeps and whatever would be cool.  I wouldn't feel so ignored, and I could chill. Meanwhile, she would prolly discover that we had more to talk about than not.  She hadn't done that in like, ever.  So now, I want to know, "Who told her?"

Back in October, I became convinced that something was going on.  I was still shaken after a not cool September, in fact the chilliest September ever.  As I began to warm up, I just picked up on "things".  And I am not new to the rodeo, so I didn't have to do too much digging.  I feel that women in domestic situations wait until they "step in it" before they make a choice to take a course of action.  That isn't me.  The only thing I don't know for sure, is if Mookie is just "scratching an itch", or if she is heading into another direction.  Either way, I have to make a choice.  I will worry less about what she is doing and more about getting my gear prepped.

I DO KNOW what I need to do. 

But isn't Mookie coming around?  Hmm ... two plus years against two weeks ... I would have to say NO ..! Again, going on the stereotype of women in challenged relationships, what those alley cat men do, is give you the false hope thing, just to keep a woman from coming to the conclusion they need to, to regain themselves.  Ooh, I am reaching her, she feels me, I do matter ... right, and it only took her almost 4 years after we started to kick it to come to this conclusion ...

Sorry, it is going to take another step.

... weigh in ...

… weighed in at 227.5 … don’t know if that is a loss or what … but I feel good that I did some work and I didn’t eat a lot of junk …

... not a whole lot on my mind ... Mookie surprised me yesterday after dinner by watching the movie, 'Gothika' with Halle Berry, Charles Dutton, and Rober Downey ... good enough movie to watch on television ... that Mookie thought so to, was a double enjoyment bonus ...

... off to play nurse ..!

a Plus one day ..!

 

AS A PREDATOR THINKETH …

This is why I don’t mind criticism. There is a reader of my musing who thinks clearly that I am a crap guy. I am like sooo cool with that, because I don’t let the crap in me define me. I don’t WANT to be a crap guy, so I don’t mind what she says. Because as ‘sensitive and caring’ or even as ‘effeminite’ as I may seem, I am STILL a guy. And when it comes down to it, I ACT like a guy.

See, I recognize where I am in this relationship has more in common to what a female role is than the stereotypical male. Is Mookie steppin’ out? That possibility has crossed my mind more than once or even twice … I can make change for a nickel with the regularity of our rolls in the hay per month …

My ego doesn’t bruise by that kind of blow. That is more like a slap with a velvet glove. It is this twisting thing that has gotten to me. It is the dismissing of my needs and the lack of attention that trouble me more. That is unmistakable. So whether or not she is steppin’, doesn’t it all add up to the same thing for me? By her taking the time out to engage me in the kind of unique conversation that you share with a person you care about last week, then taking time away from what ever ‘New York’ is doing or who is rump shakin’ on BET to watch ‘Gothika’ with me tonight … right now, I am like 'who told you to?'

Well, being more comfortable with the predator’s role in this particular jungle, I STILL don’t get over excited with a couple of random incidents. That is what a guy would do, to through his girl off his trail …

CONCLUSION

Not going to over think things … trying to get out of that. But it did feel good to feel like I mattered around here for once ..!

... mostly cloudy ...

… weigh-in has been postponed until tomorrow due to the holiday …

Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday. I don’t think that I have ever told anyone that. January 20th has been plenty of things, I can remember playing hockey games, of course football watching and it has always been Inauguration Day.

And it has always been Momma’s birthday.

My peeps and I had been estranged until this past summer. Now we talk, and I plan on visiting and hanging out with my fam and all that. It has been a lost dimension for me, to be a part of my own family, and I can’t wait to share my Carolina girls with them.

I have a sister in the service, not to far from Omaha (and that is in Nebraska). She is a surgical nurse and she was making what is for her, an annual thing, calling her peeps. This was my first time getting the call, as I had been out of the loop. The first thing that I told her, was that “I knew what today is..!”.

We laughed and chatted for a bit. She is married and has three beautiful children. She rode out her husband’s wildness, and they are cool too. In fact, I think about her and how she hung in with her spouse when I consider what to do with Mookie. Anyway, who ever reads this, it will be the first time anyone has ever heard from me that January 20th is my Mom’s birthday.

For me, this has been a completely personal thing. Same with my brother, I will assume. I can go off into my own space that I invariably created within the relationship, and deal. That I do this, is something that I've carried from my awkward growing up, being able to find my way between people. I wouldn’t mind not feeling like that. It kind of flies in the face of being in a relationship, if I am compelled to keep so much of myself inside.

I understand if you aren’t going to be able to sit through the film version of “1984” with me … nor am I going to dock you points for not being able to feel what I feel listening to Simian … but you do have to give me a little space in your world … after all, I have given you all the room you need to be in mine …

Anyway, looking at my sisters and my brother, I see a lot of myself … and to say that, I am also saying how much of my Mother I am reminded of, in them. They all ended up doing things and engaging themselves in areas that I once went through, and I was allowedthat freedom because of my Mother. I do wish that I could manage to get to Arizona for her, but man, I found heaven on earth in Carolina …

We had our differences. It hurt really, really, bad that she took my first wife’s side, and did so in no uncertain terms. But we got over that. And when I say ‘we got over that’, I mean JUST THAT. I don’t really hold grudges, as much as I use the ‘hot stove’ rule. Once you touch a hot stove, you know not to do that again. When I figure out that you are too hot for me, I let you go. Pick you up when I know you are cool and it is safe …

Anyway, I guess I kind of went this way and that … but it is mostly in the same neighborhood. I do know that my thoughts tired me out, because I went to sleep without considering the end of the game between the Giants and the Packers. Might have missed my ‘lucky me’ night too … que sera … I just don’t care anymore about that … playing ‘tag’ is DEFINITELY not cool ..!

... jus' thinkin' ...

Championship Sunday

“Usefulness is not impaired by imperfection. You can drink from a chipped cup.” -Greta K. Nagel

This is something that I keep close at hand, when I wonder if I deserve the things that I want, that if I am worthy to ascend to the desires of my heart. For all the things that I have had to bear, I have also caused my share of heartache. My daughters are the personification of my sins … and I am going to take the rap for not breaking out and being a high achiever, academically and as a man.

I am flawed. Yup, that’s right … I am that guy. But it isn’t like I was walking around elementary school telling everyone that ‘I want to be a summer dad with three girls by three different ladies when I grow up‘. Someone burdened by the curse of potential. No one really cares about the ghosts in the halls of my mind, the dark labyrinth that is my soul …

Hold up, not going to fall into that trap. Morrissey said it best when he sang, “I am human and I need to be loved just like everyone else does.” I have owned up to my wrongs, and I don’t worry about absolution. I only have this one time that I know to go thru life. What is it that I want out of it?

The film, “The Unforgiven”, is a film that I identify with more than “Rocky”. “Rocky” is about someone who was fully present when his opportunity came. “The Unforgiven” is the movie for the rest of us, those who must face their weaknesses daily, and hope to find that peace and happiness that eludes us so. And even after we have left what we hope to escape from behind, it calls out to us, seductively.

I wasn’t quite as notorious as William Munny, but then, I am telling this. But who hasn’t tried to escape the dark shadows of what we were? And how many of us have just settled for the peace of mind that comes when you lower your expectations to match the level of comfort so that you can have that peace of mind?

The potential of what William Munny is capable of, is only aluded to in passing. It isn’t until he finds the motivation, in the murder of a close and dear friend, that the old William Munny comes back … in all of his fury.

Because that was the life he left and had only came back for one more ride, he would return to what he left, and move from there, both physically as well as psychologically. He was still ‘new Munny’. It was just that what he was, was still there to be summoned if he needed him.

His metamorphoses made me think of the “rage against the dying of the light” that Dylan Thomas urges … and that is what I am committing myself to. I have no illusions when I look in the mirror. I know what I have done. But I am still going to make the effort to make myself in the image that I carry in my mind …

And that is just that with that ..!

Austin City Limits

It is supposed to be very cold this weekend ... and if there is a predictable time for me to go out and run, it occurs twice each year ... whenever the weather reports say it is the hottest and when they say it is the coldest ...

I shouldn't drive ... and I don't ... so I get out in the elements if I have to get somewhere ... been that way always ... so I am pretty well acclimated to different weather conditions ... I am safe ... I don't spend untold hours out there just because ... a short run, then to QD to get my paper ... not too bad ... whenever someone remarks on me being out, comparatively lightly dressed, I am a little taken aback ... there is no Alstair Cooke narrating how I am trying to hold Stalingrad against the German advance ... nor am I in Belgium with the Allied forces doing the same ... needless to say, I am not impressed with myself ...

THE KINGS OF LEON ...

It seems like forever that I have watched the PBS show 'Austin City Limits'.  I love the artists that they have perform, and it makes me yearn for the music scene in Detroit ... I mean you can have your LA and New York scenes ... but I don't think anywhere there is a better diversity than in Detroit ... from the strong local content, to the acts that are known only to special chat rooms and blogs ... they all seem to come thru Detroit ...

... but I know they must go thru Austin too ... otherwise, they wouldn't be on the telly ..!  Being a black cat, finding the music that I like is difficult at best ... rare is the radio artist that catches my notice ... when Amazon started with their customer reviews, it helped a lot ... I like words (even if I can't always spell 'em correctly ..!) and for me, they are the window to the soul ... so I would read reviews and when someone's words would hook into me, I would pick the band that was being described ... that is a thumbnail description of course ... there is just a bit more to it, but not by much ...

... the Kings of Leon is a band that is like that for me ... I didn't know if I would like them or not ... just new in all the indy weeklies like 'Metro Times' and 'Real Detroit', they were getting good press ... so I bought 'Because of the Times', without hearing a note ... and it sat in my Real Player, scarcely listened to ...

The KOL did 'Austin City Limits' last night ... I could tell that they sounded familiar, but because I hadn't really 'listened' to them, I didn't recognize them, which made it like the old days in Motown or going out to Chapel Hill to listen to whoever was at the $8 dollar dive bar show ...

... and they lit me up ... I was sitting there transfixed ... I had to have been, because Mookie KNEW that the channel was not to be flipped through under any circumstance ... I was in one of those 'at your risk' zones where I wasn't going to be doing anything but remaining engaged in what ever it was I was focused on ... and for that half hour or so, it was the Kings of Leon ...

... I will leave the interpretation of the song 'On Call' to a better analyst of such things ... but I don't think you have to be all that to find a connection these lyrics ... and the singers vocals carry the beer and cigarettes that people who are 'on call' generally consume ... no matter what ... you know that they are going to be there ...

... like William Munny ... the cat Clint Eastwood played in 'The Unforgiven' ... and that was the movie I watched before the KOL ... which made Austin City Limits the proper aperitif for the film ..!

... keeping the balance right ...

When I say that I ‘grandfathered’ Nebraska in my life, a few years ago I had made a choice not to pursue any new romantic relationships, meaning I wasn’t going to try and pick up on anyone.  Though I have had my troubles, I have met many nice women to have developed a relationship with.  That they didn’t happen, is my responsibility.  I dare not ask for more, so I figured that I had already met the person I was supposed to be with.  Because Nebraska and I had started talking before I came to this conclusion, she gets to be counted too.

            Before I could saddle up and investigate whether or not my ‘guardian angel’ (what, YOU don’t have one … or so you think … we ALL do … I try to listen to mine) had pointed me in the correct direction, Mookie Dee reappeared in my life.  We had a good re-connection, so I went with the flow.  When I first landed in Michigan, she had a steady beau, so I didn’t pursue her then.  This time, she was single and I was too.  Game on!

 

            After a while of racing back and forth on I-96, we decided to move in together.  We tried to cover as much as we could as far as expectations and how things should run.  That done, we took the plunge!

 

            Now this is all going on pre-diagnosis.  In fact I am still boxing here and there, in the small towns of Appalachia and the Ohio Valley.  Our start was pretty good, and since I had let her know what she was getting into as far as my girls, we were able to manage the spring/summer stuff as far as KT, Lexxie, and Skye were concerned.

 

            But at some point, Mookie started to change.  Because I don’t want to 1) digress, or 2) revisit something I have already decided on, I am going to get back to meeting Nebraska in Chicago.  I was feeling pretty bad about things, from real loss and perceived ones.  There didn’t seem to be anyone to share with, and I had started to go back to those years of isolation that I call my adolescence.  ‘The Era of My Discontent’, was what I called it, and I was living in a similar period again.  I didn’t quite fit, and I was losing myself.

 

            That meant I had to do something.

 

            Visiting Chicago was my intention all along, to see my sister.  Inviting Nebraska was a sudden, very Mark-like thing to do.  It fit my pathology, and when she accepted, I KNEW … my life was going to take another arc, upward and towards the light …

 

            It was easily one of the best experiences I have had in the past ten years … we even had a ‘moment’ downtown, with Lake Michigan in the background and the bustling of the Navy Pier surrounding us, I stepped back and ‘framed’ the emotions in that moment, so that I may carry it with me.  I miss making those moments. 

 

            While I was hoping that Nebraska felt the magic, alas it was not to be.  In fact, I got less than stellar reviews, two and a half stars by my estimation.  Ouch.  But what I got out of it was that IT still is out there for me.  I need to do a better job of being ready for it.

Though I was scraping my way back to me, the decision to go and see what was still possible has really sped things along for me.  For better or worse, I am mine once again.  From here, I can hope and let myself dream of what I can still do, of what is still for me to achieve.

 

            What is wrong with chasing a dream, if it gets you to move, to live?  What is wrong with having something that creates a great passion in you?  The decision to chase that dream, why is it sooo hard for most of us?

 

            I can’t stop chasing the things that I still want in my life.  I want to feel as loved as I think I have managed to make others feel (and if they didn’t feel that with me, why do they still seek me out ..?), to be in a healthy loving relationship.  There are enough things for me to equivocate on … my professional life hasn’t been what it could have … some of my personal pursuits have been ill-managed.  Doesn’t mean that my game is over, just means it is a new game, and I have to figure out how it is to be played.

 

            Yeah, I am going to get all ‘Stuart Smalley’ here and affirm myself … no one else is going to be doing it for me,

... keeping the balance right ...

... and it ain't easy ... but I get it there ...

It is hard work being positive.  But it is too easy to be cynical, and too simple to be negative.  There are some people facing great tradgedy, and are in difficult circumstance, and unfortunately, they also know who they are.  But for the overwhelming majority of us, we hold the keys to how we view the world and our lives.  Too often people find themselves caught up in the projections of others, their views and aspects sulling our own, even to the point of warping how we view ourselves.

To make the conscious choice to be positive about life isn't about denial.  It is about being willing to take charge of the direction that you are heading.  For me, it is right now, to let Mookie be Mookie, and for me to again concetrate on being me.  She isn't going to want to watch movies like "M" with Peter Lorre, or revisit "Badlands" with me.  She wants to watch "I Love New York" on VH1, no matter who or want is on the History channel.  So I just do the things that I need to do, and I still expect that what it is I hope for is out there, somewhere, for me.  That I don't know where it is, or when it is going to happen, that is where fate comes into play.  What I have to do is be ready for when it happens.

That was what my November trip to Chicago was about.  I was going out west to see my sister, my BEST sister, who lives there.  I have an 'e-friend', Nebraska, who I have 'grandfathered' into my life.  So I asked if she would meet me there and we could hang for the weekend.  She agreed.  Had I thought about what I was doing, I wouldn't have agreed.  It has been a good while since I have even left the provincial town I lived in.  I didn't know what was across Lake Michigan, as to how my soeur's situation was like.  Then, what if Nebraska was 'just sayin' and had no real intentions of being there when I arrived.

Ooh, I could go on and on with all the things that could go wrong.  But see, that little icy teardrop of fear that splashed in the depths of my heart, instead of creating a panic, spurred me to action.  I made the choice that I was going to make it to Chicago, one way or another...

... to be continued ...

... keeping the balance right ...

... and it ain't easy ... but I get it there ...

It is hard work being positive.  But it is too easy to be cynical, and too simple to be negative.  There are some people facing great tradgedy, and are in difficult circumstance, and unfortunately, they also know who they are.  But for the overwhelming majority of us, we hold the keys to how we view the world and our lives.  Too often people find themselves caught up in the projections of others, their views and aspects sulling our own, even to the point of warping how we view ourselves.

To make the conscious choice to be positive about life isn't about denial.  It is about being willing to take charge of the direction that you are heading.  For me, it is right now, to let Mookie be Mookie, and for me to again concetrate on being me.  She isn't going to want to watch movies like "M" with Peter Lorre, or revisit "Badlands" with me.  She wants to watch "I Love New York" on VH1, no matter who or want is on the History channel.  So I just do the things that I need to do, and I still expect that what it is I hope for is out there, somewhere, for me.  That I don't know where it is, or when it is going to happen, that is where fate comes into play.  What I have to do is be ready for when it happens.

That was what my November trip to Chicago was about.  I was going out west to see my sister, my BEST sister, who lives there.  I have an 'e-friend', Nebraska, who I have 'grandfathered' into my life.  So I asked if she would meet me there and we could hang for the weekend.  She agreed.  Had I thought about what I was doing, I wouldn't have agreed.  It has been a good while since I have even left the provincial town I lived in.  I didn't know what was across Lake Michigan, as to how my soeur's situation was like.  Then, what if Nebraska was 'just sayin' and had no real intentions of being there when I arrived.

Ooh, I could go on and on with all the things that could go wrong.  But see, that little icy teardrop of fear that splashed in the depths of my heart, instead of creating a panic, spurred me to action.  I made the choice that I was going to make it to Chicago, one way or another...

... to be continued ...

… and why it is you let go …

I don’t think that I ever took much for granted in my life, which is why I have enjoyed it so much. The past year was a trying one, and it made the things that make me feel fulfilled become an even greater priority.

One of the things that I had to regain control of was how I saw myself. The world can be cynical, so for me that is a default setting. I don’t think much about it, other than to acknowledge it exists. What I do take complete ownership of, is how I see myself.

Woke up yesterday feeling fine. The Mook’s did too, and their getting gone was typical, loving family kind of a deal. My unhappiness is NOT an excuse for me to lose my form - besides, coming down and being on the computer allows the girls to dress in peace, lil’ Mook ISN’T little … she is a teenager, and is growing into the role …

Anyway, I wanted to go for a nice run this morning, especially since the forecast was for snow soon. I hope to get in a good hard run and do a little sprinting just for kicks. I put on my gear, and then I looked for my stopwatch to time myself as I sprinted. I keep the run time on my Iron Man watch, but I have a cheap stopwatch to keep sprint time on.

I looked and looked, and I did not find it. I did have it when I gathered my stuff to run together, but what did I do with it? I was getting a bit flustered, and I could have let it throw me off my square. Could have not even run, and then the slide would begin in earnest.

So I went without it. And I had a good run!

Did some floor work <that is what I call calestenics/yoga stretches>, including some shadow boxing. Shadowing up ALWAYS make me feel better! I hit the shower and changed up. I try to keep things close to a routine as possible, because I know what I know about me … there IS a reason that I see therapists and what not. I didn’t want to worry about where my stopwatch was, so I did another little thing that makes me feel better.

I shaved my legs.

This is something I have been doing since Jr. High. I could care less what anyone thinks about it, but it is something that makes me feel good. I have never liked hair on my body and always worried that I could grow up and be one of those super hairy guys. That didn’t happen, but it became a habit. And yes, I do shave my underarms too!

Couldn’t find the outfit that I had planned on wearing, and that was cool. I wasn’t trying to be dressy, so I just grabbed some black sweatpants and a State tee. Then I started to think about dinner.

I had taken out some hamburger last night to thaw in the fridge. Took about a pound of meat out, seasoned it up and put that back in the fridge. Checked for the stuff I wanted to make with it - Wednesday is spaghetti day, so I looked and discovered we didn’t have the sauce or the noodles!

Rode my bike up the rode to the grocery store. This is a super cool town to be a pedestrian or a cyclist. There are bike lanes most everywhere, and the traffic tends to yield to you fairly easily. I never have too much a problem, only when I think I am back in Motown where they don’t care, and I am overcompensating does there seem to be any conflict with traffic.

At the grocery store, I remembered that one of the ladies at QD was going in for surgery. She had came up to me one day last week and just started to share her worries about it with me. Sure, I am a regular customer, in there often, but I didn’t think anyone thought that much of me. We chat about this and that, but I didn’t think the employees there thought any more of me than they do any of their other regulars.

Since she did, I decided to get a little ‘get well’ balloon, and take it in to the store. I was sure that they could get it to her. I went to QD and there she was! I must have misunderstood when she was going to be back from surgery. So I took and gave her the balloon.

Then two ladies came into the store. They asked me if I lived on a street, and I told them I do live in the area. They started asking me questions about whether or not I was an athlete or fitness trainer, and I told them I used to box. The went on to say that it seemed that I didn’t miss a day running <yeah I do, but I run at least half of the year>, and that they have gotten used to seeing me run, especially in the summer … when I am wearing a tank top and my shorts ..!

Blushing as I said my goodbyes, I left the store. I still had my dinner groceries, as I rode straight from one store to the other. The house wasn’t far, and I came in and put the food away... dinner is going to rock ... and it is all downhill from here ..!

...clarification ...

... okay ... the other day, I mentioned and "quoted" a person who doesn't seem to like my journal ... that is okay, as it is my journal ... but I was mistaken in who initatied the conversation ... I did, because I thought that was the protocol, and I wanted to know what kind of jerk she thought I was, so perhaps that I can stop being that jerk ...

... so I wrote her ... I do that from time to time, just to get a different opinion ... anyway, I am the one who bothered her, and I would like to clear that up ... so I apologize for that ...

... I was able to take the time to make that apology because I am doing fine ... it is supposed to snow here in Mid-Michigan ... the little sub-division is so pretty when snow falls ... I wished that I had a camera eye so I could take some pictures ... I might try it just to see anyway ..!

... diet tips ...

Job interview ... went and did it ... another subject entirely ... but I do have some  diet tips that are pretty durned easy to follow ...

Remembering that a good diet regimen is best supplemented with a good fitness routine, and that calories <lower is better!>, not fat grams are a better total weight indicator, here it goes ...

OFTEN

Now we pretty much know what to eat that won't make us fat ... now eat more of it ..!  You can pretty much eat all the veggies and fruit you can stand ... fish and chicken that isn't fried or slathered in a sauce ... limit your servings of red meat ... you can get away with one steak or medium sized prime rib ... same with the pork ... but try to really eat more of the veggies, fruit, fish and chicken ...

SOMETIMES

This is where we really should put that meat and pork ... one meal of each per week is fine ... avoid at all costs for lunch ... if you have to have a sausage or steak biscuit, fine ... just one, and you will have the whole day to work at it ... if you are a soda drinker, you need to put that here as you segue into drinking more water ...

RARELY

We all know that there is plenty of chocolate out there to be had ... not to mention Hagen Dazs to be had ... once or twice a month have a 'sin food' day ... the big key here is MODERATION ... don't act like you can run away and hide because you have a longer leash ...

Being hungry for food means finding healthier alternatives ... mine is oatmeal with a little maple syrup ... or a bowl of Rasin Bran ... one of the biggest errors that I think people make is that because they are working on raising their fitness level, they suddenly have more calories to spend on food ... that isn't how it goes ...

Exercise replaces the sedentary being that you were ... diet helps you continue to drop the calories and together they create the new look ... and to keep it going, you have to be able to find a good level that you can maintain ...

By no means am I expert at this ... don't let me contradict what a medical professional tells you ... but those cats at the gym ... I am not too sure about them ... after all, they work FOR THE GYM ... and it is in their interest to KEEP YOU in that gym ... but I will talk about that another time ...

... but they are GOOD nerves ..!

I would like to say thanks to everyone who has started to read my little journal ... I like to say that it is an 'active journal', in that I use it as an actual diary so I can remember.  Writing this stuff down longhand would be problematic, and this ISN'T my computer, so I can't keep it secure, other than putting it out here.  That said ...

... now THIS early rising as opposed to my natural early getting up, is due to the huge butterflies in my stomach ... I have an actual job interview!  This is a big thing for me, because I would like to think that I am functioning at a pretty good level, for anyone, much less someone like me.  My counselor let me know that this was a courtesy as much as an actual interview ... cool, I will take it!  From my perspective, anything closely resembling getting back into the race, is good!

I shared with my therapist that I really, really feel better about myself.  I explained that I started to get back into thinking my 'highly unlikely likely hoods again, and that is a good thing.  The two that are currently running through my thoughts are 1) boxing in loosely regulated states and 2) enlisting in the service!

Yeah, I know that I shouldn't do either!  Of all the things that I can do that will take time off my 'being here' is to get hit in the head AGAIN!  There is no way for me to describe how good it feels to be in the ring ... but I know that I could do it ... but there are a bunch of things that would trip up that scenario.  Still, I think it would be fun.

The second is enlisting in the service.  If the cut off is 42 years, 364 days, then there is a realistic shot.  But I turn 42 this year, and I don't think I could find a doctor that would let me in before then.  But, I know that there are down-filled medical certificates floating around ...

I also spoke with my therapist about when do you lower your guard.  My relationship has been taking on water for quite awhile.  But this afternoon, Mookie and I had our first decent conversation.  I checked out 'O Brother, Where Art Thou', from the library this weekend.  I didn't watch it, and wanted to redo the check out thing.  I had it on the dining table and she saw it. 

Though she had mistook it for another story <what, 'O Brother ...' is loosely based on the 'Odyssey', right?>, another period piece, it was good for us to be engaged in a conversation.  With me acknowledging how much I liked the story, at how I remembered how it made me feel, she was more than willing to share her memory of the story, and it felt good for us to have that kind of interaction. 

Les Brown

The tape that I am listening to is VERY GOOD.  A life long friend, the Fly-Skimmie <I am not making this up ... I have called her that since HS> gave it too me.  Les is a cat who would speak at the elementary schools in Detroit and though I didn't 'get it', I knew that I wanted to.  I forgot as I grew older, but when I was trying to come back from my starter marriage, she got it for me.  If I had the technological know how, I would put it on here ... I am going to cherry pick it, and chat it with myself, to keep me on my square.  The first couple of weeks of this year have been good for me ... only 50 more to go ..!