the year ... in brief ...

My inventory for the year has already been done. I don’t wait for a specific day to change, only other to anchor the variation so that I can measure the results. But New Year’s resolutions? I don’t make them, and what changes I decide to make during the New Year’s period is more chance than planning.

General philosophy about change - do it now.

One of the reasons I am journaling, is because I admit to being flawed. Big whoop, because so is everyone. So I don’t feel like anyone can truly sit in judgement of me. Besides, someone looking in from the outside can point out the things that I am too near to see. Negative or positive comments, I take them all in. Be advised, I will prolly write you back, because this is a FUNCTIONAL DIARY, and there isn’t any reason to hit and run, so to speak, to try to flame me then not explain why.

Because I hope to stop mewling about my relationship, I will take a moment here to provide background. To start, it began when I got off the top twenty circuit as a boxer and returned to my hometown. I wasn’t going to be the next great heavyweight, and I was cool with that. I love boxing, and didn’t mind that I was getting smaller paydays, because I was doing something that I loved.

Here is where I get a bit fuzzy, but on purpose. Mainly because the burnt bridges that occurred during this period have been rebuilt. No need for any major details, save one, My Mother. She would make her transition during this time, and it had a profound effect on me. Not only did I not handle it well, I let a very fulfilling relationship waste away.

When I was finally able to pull myself back together, the woman I was involved with, had moved on. Thought about opening up a front and fighting for her, but that isn’t my style. I had my chance, blew it. Don’t want to get in the way of anyone pursuing their happiness, which is why the ‘drunk call’ is not a part of my character, and if I can, I will befriend you and yours <this annoyed my first wife … maybe I will talk about that later, gator ..!> and be very happy for you. I can take the first shot, but unless fate has a redux for us in store, I won’t hassle you again.

But when I lost out with my last girlfriend, I just pulled off the road and tried to do a deep inventory. My relationship experiences were mostly good ones, but I kept finding myself out of them. Since the women were disparate, I had to look at the one constant - ME.

What was I DOING wrong? Was I sabotaging myself? What was it? So I took about two years off, visiting my daughters and such, and picking off stray deer here and there <uh, y’all do get that, right? Not literally ‘deer’, but … aw forget it … if you don’t get it, why are you still reading this ?> and just going about things.

Then it hit me … I had already met my girl one way or another. Was it a townie chick from one of my fights? Someone from high school? Maybe my last girlfriend? Or could it be one of my Internet friends?

The thing I was sure of, is that I had already met the next great romance partner of my life. That is what I believe, and so that is how I acted.

Calling Mookie was not out of pattern for me. I have always kept some contact with her, whenever I would pass through, odd phone call, or by mail. When I had landed back in Michigan and had to go get my license to box, I stopped in and had a lunch chat with her. She was living with a guy, had used ‘our name’ for a daughter <so had I..!> …

So I took her off the list. Few more years pass, and I gave her a call and we started to kick it. Now, we are doing the highway thing back and forth, and grooving. Then we decided to do the move in thing. Though it over and talked it out, then we talked some more. Got things set and went ahead and did the thing.

I saw something on AOL about the 7-year itch turning into a 3-year itch. Don’t know if that is true or not, but this past year relationship wise, was terrible. And it didn’t help that I had personal challenges to face and could have actually used some support. That was when I noticed that maybe things had changed.

For us, the seas have been rough for going on two full calendar years. I don’t know what it is that is going on. The usual suspects have been brought in and questioned. So that left me with it is either her or me, that is not into ‘us’.

Getting married is kind of important to me. I have always wanted to be married. Need I say more. Given how fleeting relationships can be, I reached back into high school and gave Mookie a ‘promise ring’, that was a good size stone for our little economic scale. I felt compelled to let herknow in some way that I was committed to her, and to us.

And that went over pretty well, for about a week. Then things were back to the same as they ever was. I finally just asked her what did she want? If she wanted a husband at all, let alone for it to be me, let me know so that I can do something to help you make that happen. She kept saying that she was good with me, and that she saw a future with me.

Just never resulted in any change.

So late last spring, during another one of our discussions, she made a statement to the effect, ‘… we have the same talk it seems every month …’ . She kept speaking, but I stopped listening … she was right, they were the same topics that weren’t being addressed. That was when it struck me -- she wasn’t flexible enough to make me a part of her life. Hey, no worries. She feels she needs to do what she has to do for her own self interest. Guess what? So do I.

Because it was summer, I just started practicing swallowing my words. KT was on her way, and I wanted her to have a nice experience. Her Mom and I are uber cool, even if she went to Union and pledged Sigma <!?! … if I had known THAT when we met, we would have quickly unmet..! J/k>! I wasn’t going to have her send her daughter to a hostile environment. So I just got low like Jacques Cousteau and went with the flow …

Then when my baby got called home, my brother was called too … and as much as I miss my Mother, my only brother …

So I have that going on in my head just about everyday. Can’t even get close to being coherent about him, and I don’t anticipate ever being able to accept it. Just never the mind about him.

It did severely impact how I view Mookie. Leave that at that.

So it hasn’t been a good year personally. Did get to see someone who existed once as a figment of my imagination, in the flesh. And it was one of the best experiences of my life!! It reminded me of going to Air Assault school, and how despite all the effort and the pain, graduation was ultimate worth it, and I would be better for it.

Meeting Nebraska was like that. A supremely good decision to meet and get to know her. Period.

That event enabled me to pull out of a personal nose dive, and start thinking forward again. Being positive about life is something I am about, and I figure that I will let the sky limit me and that my limits are bounded by the horizon.

... getting Fit with Mark ..!

... okay, so you wanna get in shape, right?  Let me first break down my approach ... usually I do my aerobic stuff in the winter ... from being a boxer in Detroit, something to do with mental toughness ... but this time, I am going to get with the rest of the world, and do that during the spring and up to the fall ...

Normally, today is the day I go to see my therapist, whose office is 15 miles away ... I count that since I am going to bike there and back ... but today I will have to make up for it ... we've changed the session to Wednesday for this week ...

So that is two hours of cycling ...

... you maybe not so much ... if you are starting out and can get to a bike of ANY KIND ... get 30 minutes of smooth paced revolutions in ...

Floor Work ...

... calling this 'yoga' sounds too pretensious, especially knowing my form is all off ... when I get the money, I will take a class at the YMCA <great place ... encourage you to join a chapter near you ..!> but for my purposes, 15 -20 mins. of 'poseur poses' will do ... nothing fancy ... touch them toes, crossed-legged standing tee stretches, left over right, then flip ... then put one hand in the middle of my back and pull to one side, that elbow with the other hand ...

... try to hold the poses for like 10 to 20 counts ... repeat three times ...

Ab work ...

... Virginia, I want you to listen close to me, because this is key ... to get that six pack ... you will need to sharpen your diet ... that isn't what I am necessarily training to ... by tightening up your muscles, you will loose the inches ... weight loss incurs because the muscle burns up the calories ... now, you want to look like Jillian, Kim and Bob ... that is another thing ... I just want you to feel better about yourself ...

... to the exercises ...

... I have a stability ball ... they usually come with an exercise guide ... select four a five to do each session, with the thinking you are going to do Ab-focused exercises three days a week.  Here is a place where you don't want to cheat ... you can go as hard as you can every day at your gut and butt ... but the monotony will bore you to tears ... so just three days of that stuff ...

... oh, when you go to the store <look, you don't have to go to the excersise store or in a gym to get this stuff ... I got mine at Meijer's> make sure you pick up one of those elastic bands with the handles at the end ... I utilize that too ... Tomorrow is a work day as well, so I will see y'all here then <uh, I consider myself as having seperate entities, so that is why I am referring to a third person plural that isn't there ..!>

... have the best Day ..!

 

Movie Afternoon

TO CATCH A THIEF …

Smooth a** Cary Grant … the appropriately named sublime beauty, Grace Kelly … do they even make ‘em like that anymore?

You could make a case for Pierce Brosnan alright as having that kind of rakish charm. George Clooney? Maybe. Brad Pitt. Not so much. Denzel does have it, but not the roles to make it obvious.

As far as the beauty part goes, Vanessa Williams to be sure would qualify but like Denzel, the roles as lacking for her to have shown it. Julia Roberts? Puh-leeze!

Cary Grant (as John Brodie) : “What do you expect out of being so nice to me

Grace Kelly (Frances) : “Probably a lot more than you’re willing to offer

THAT’S HOW I WANT TO WRITE ..! Great lines! As for the redoubtable Mr. Brodie, I do think that I have the same skill set, but lacked in the discipline to be a true rake. Still, I would have loved to have a Frances …

… who would be my Grace Kelly?

Certainly not Mookie. She is a great girl, a truly fine person, and obviously special to me, as she stayed on my mind in exclusive company in my Parthenon of lost loves … a club whose membership has recently increased by one …

Ooh, got lost for a second … so I am looking for a Frances, a woman with spirit, smart and clever. But reckless enough to indulge my flights of fancy yet rooted enough to keep me from flying to near the sun. Ooh, I could see me an’ Nebraska tooling down the PCH …

LIKE PHIFE DAWG …

… I am really not the one. A guy I used to work with, joked that, “… y’all didn’t hear? Mark failed ‘play well with others’, in kindergarten!” Prolly did too. I don’t take trespasses or personal affonts lightly, and if you want to go there, that is when you will know. I never say, “don’t go there.” It is a free country. Go where you like. Now, being able to come back, that is a different proposition entirely.

When people go all Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs on me, getting heated at being corrected or instructed by me, or dealing with a slight scolding, it is all I can do not to be ready to say, ‘it’s go time’, and get ready for a scrap. I AM not the one. Today, I had to remind lil’ Mook.

The computer we have has less than half the memory it needs to run efficiently. It isn’t mine, so I haven’t invested in getting it upgraded. Anyway, with all the music and photos on here, it runs like crap. Now that lil’ Mook has an IPOD, she has been download stuff, and it occupies the computer and the phone line for hours; her last download took 17 hours.

I scolded her about the computer. Hey, until I resign or am given an unconditional release, I am still going to parent. So she did an up and down, and her Mom asked her what was wrong … 1 count … 2 count … go up stairs and tell Mookie what the deal was. Did find a voice and the tone … after all, it IS cold out … don’t want to get my release just right now!

... on the edge of panic

… but I am feelin’ Public Enemy’s ‘By The Time I Get To Arizona’ …

A little bit of the anger that I am feeling seeped out last night … don’t want to pat myself on the back for keeping a tight leash on it. Because all it did was confirm what I has already been previously determined, that I can’t manage the salvage of this relationship, most definitely not alone.

My journal name is taken from a story in the anthology, ‘Breaking Ice’. The story was a science fiction tale, and it made its mark. “Stars, like grains of sand in my pocket”, brought to my mind the great many things that lie before us in life yet to be discovered as well as the great many things that we have at hand that we take for granted.

When I think back to all the things that I have experienced, the moments in lives I have been a part of, I can only smile with satisfaction. I don’t have a lot of details, but I know that I did appreciate many of the shared moments. Had I been in a strong relationship when I was doing my thing, I think that I would have accomplished more. Reason that I say that, is because that is how I work. I do what I like for me, to my satisfaction. But being part of something larger than myself, I will strive to reach all of my potential.

It’s weird writing that … BELIVING THAT … I don’t think that is how man is meant to be. Self-preservation and all that, you know. When I have to really think of my own needs and be ‘selfish’, I don’t have the same motivation. I enjoyed being a big brother, and I know that I went to the Army because I felt SOMEONE had to do the job of being the extension of national policy … even if I didn’t like or agree with the policy makers. For me, it came down to a preference for McDonald’s … I like the way the world is, and someone had to make sure that it remained status quo.

That was when I really noticed that was how I was cut. Being part of something larger was my calling, and I had never really questioned it until now. I want to re-read Ayn Rand’s ‘Virtue of Selfishness’. I only have the most basic understanding of her philosophy, ‘Objectivism’, but I am going to take another swing at it again. I want to be able to just look out for me, and let the chips fall where they may.

Getting up and getting out to pick up the Free Press, I figured I would go to Meijer’s and get it, because it would only cost a dollar, and I want to really try to cut costs where I can. Got on the bike andhad to ride in the street. Normally I ride on the sidewalk, an aside to my issues. I don’t drive, and I try not to take any preventable risks.

We have bike lanes, and this is really one of the more pedestrian-friendly places I have been. So I did get into the bike lane and rode to the store. They didn’t have any Freep’s which through me for a bit. I couldn’t really remember what else I wanted to look for since I was up there … that isn’t my condition alone, at least not to me. My failing relationship drives me to distraction, and it only, ONLY certifies how much trouble this thing is in for me.

The most important aspect of my being is in disarray. Would it matter if I was ‘on point’? I remember how I felt when my first marriage started to seize up. Making comparisons to that time alone, is enough for me to look for a way out.

Call of the West

Tomorrow is the first day of my quarterly work out routine. I will list my daily routine tomorrow, prolly when I go to the library. I stopped at a GNC yesterday, and chatted the clerk up. Even though I give the appearance of being fit, by the BMI index, I am not. Personally, I don’t I am in the shape I would like to be in. So that is why I am going to be more focused on my conditioning.

I will list the routine tomorrow, prolly when I go to the library. Tonight is another film night, ‘To Catch A Thief’, with Cary Grant and Grace Kelly. This is being scheduled as a private screening. I don’t like having my tastes insulted.

... nothing of any substance

… a YouTube Saturday …

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… needed to get out of the house … the Mook’s are in … Mookie is giving herself a perm, and lil’ Mook is doing lil’ Mook stuff …

 

… I just need my space …

 

… I was honestly hoping to get a bad mood out of me … because while I like looking on the bright side, I do have a the same emotions that we all share … and they need to be accounted for …

 

… Putting things into categories works for me … one of the reasons I am vague about my relationship, other than it is failing, is because if I utter it, it becomes ‘actionable’ …

 

… and there isn’t much I can do right now … so I have to keep it to myself … meanwhile, I would like to have some space to not blow up … besides, there is always the dreaded ‘fifth way’ … you know, when you prepare for four different things, and the fifth thing happens ..?  When it comes to relationships, everything is on the table and in play …

 

… but today's grind is this … I did speak about the cat that fought yesterday … even mentioned that it was a win that had me on the uptick … he is still fighting and I am not … okay, so she isn’t the empathic sort … but then she couldn’t indulge me and David Mamet, that is was a bit too much for me … especially when I think of being in Chicago …

 

… Hope to tie some of this stuff up in the next month … I know everyone else’s year is starting next week … for my purposes, it doesn’t start until March …

... the Talking Heads

I actually wanted to be angry, mad even.  Not at any particular thing or for a reason other than to get it out of my system.  Looking on the bright side of things does have its pitfalls, and one of them is possible denial.

If I have said it once, I have said it a hundred times.  I am no longer happy in my current relationship.  But I won't detail the issues, because if they have to come out, that means I need to take action.  Now is not the time for action.  There are things that I have to do, and I better get them done.

Yes, I am still bothered by the cat fighting on the television the other day.  Went on a nice run this morning, then rode out to the library ... still have that 'feeling'.  Can't describe it, but I know it doesn't make me feel good.  Do I wish I was still boxing ..? 

Yes.

That I am dealing with my issues alone when ... aw, forget it ... no crying in baseball ..!

Nebraska is a New Year's baby!  Now isn't that special!  I hope she really gets out and does the darn thing!  Me, not so much.  I don't get celebratory over myself, which is part of why there is no scrapbook, no pictures.  Good thing Sir Edmund climbed Everest, had I done it, no one would have known!

… so I’ve decided to watch a film …  

 

 I say ‘film’ as opposed to ‘movie’ because a film has considerably more substance and depth to it where a movie is something that keeps the mouth breathers and the bling-toothed entranced.  Sometimes a film can be a movie <‘Star Wars‘; ‘Close Encounters’; ‘Forrest Gump’ ;>, but a movie can never be a film <‘Fridays’; ‘Independence Day’; ANYTHING by Tyler Perry (but by admission, a guilty pleasure of mine)>

 

 Tonight’s film, ‘The Verdict’ starring Paul Newman, is a very good movie.  Good actors with proven chops, with a David Mamet screenplay and direction by Sidney Lumet, I mean could you really ask for more?  I picked it up at the Library <why yes Virginia, I do really enjoy going to the Library> and against my better judgment, asked Mookie if she would share watching it with me.  Being that it was character driven, it wasn’t the bang-bang kind of movie that fed your senses.  You would have to work a little if you wanted what it held …

 

 So after about twenty minutes, she’d been bored to tears, with nodding off, then going downstairs to watch whatever.  Were this one of the crap reality shows on MTV or VH1, it would have been riveting.  Que sera, I put my effort in …

 

 I decided to get cable here, because I thought the peace of mind it would give me, was worth the $20 buck special for six months.  What I did not really anticipate was how large the gap between us is. Cable has exposed the divide between us and I am a little surprised by the distance.  That I think is because I did not want to believe that the gap between us was that great.  Even now, it may be a little distorted.  Make no mistake though, there is one, and I don’t have the passion needed to build a bridge.

 

 Now I didn’t anticipate that Friday night, a cat that I once beat up pretty good on my way up would be fighting on the telly this evening.  I DID NOT want to watch it … just didn’t.  I wouldn’t mind sharing my feelings, or just spending some time with Mook, but she doesn’t see it my way.  Give some credit, because I am sure she is trying.  I don’t really care at this point. 
 The whole thing reminds me of when I left for Carolina way back in the day.  I actually left FROM here, not Detroit.  The things that I thought were left behind then are still around.  Not a good thing. 

 

 Paul Newman’s character in ‘The Verdict’, is a once promising lawyer who has fallen down on himself, as the illusions he had as a young lawyer was stripped away from him working in a large firm.  A friend hands him an easy case of medical malpractice, all he has to do is settle the case.  But the idealist in him staggers through the booze and makes him stand up for himself.  He decides to fight for justice, not just for the payday.

 

 As in all film noir’s, everyone has flaws and the deck is stacked against the good guys.  You have good people trapped between doing what is right and doing what is expedient, fighting against taking the easy payday by laying down their moral sense rather than going with what their inner compass directs them to.

 

 And when the fix is in, Paul’s character comes out swinging!  That he would win doesn’t matter to me, as much as it was a good film.

 

 Uh, I won’t check out any boxing sites for about a week.  Maybe two.  I don’t care to know what happened … I am sure that the cat didn’t win … he just was a puffed up cat, who couldn’t get it done when the heat really got turned up …

 

… not a freakin’ opinion … that is a FACT ..!

... change of plans ...

When asked why he has, again, come out of retirement and gone back into competition, Parcells said, "I've quit being ashamed of what I am. I'm a guy who loves football. ... You call it, maybe, a male menopause, when you realize you're no longer ashamed of what you are. ... I can't get the game out of my system. I do love the game very much."
... thought I was going to go to the Library and write ... but the weather wasn't co-operating ... normally bad weather doesn't stop me from doing my 'A to B' thing, but my Spidey sense said today wasn't a good day ...

The above is a quote from Bill Parcells, who was hired by the Miami Dolphins the other day ... ignoring the unintended sexism in his remark, the highlighted portion of his remark, has helped to spur me along in growing comfortable with myself ... I am aware of many of my idosyncrasies, and how they play to perception ...

This puts me at an advantage to others I feel, because I know who and what I am, as much as I can know of those things ... and when you find yourself comfortable with your flaws and can acknowledge your deficiencies, I believe you are ahead of the game ...

That is why I am prone to correct people when they say things to me like,'you can't ...', because what they really mean is that THEY CAN'T ... I can, because I have decided it was possible and I am going to do it ..!

... it is too bad that I can't sing or dance ... I would have been absolutely fabulous in 'Up With People' ..!

Sleeping ...

... I used to listen to WDET when their format allowed for music ... since they have changed formats, I haven't bothered ... I felt betrayed by the station as I listened to EVERYTHING they played ... jazz to celtic, from indie rock to bluegrass, WDET was a one stop station.  Listen long enough, you would hear Rhinoceros to Wire to Tom Waits ... a good mix of music ...Inner and Outer Demons that is a link to a journal that caught my attention.  I gather that the journalist is a photographer, and he seems to be forthright with his journaling. 

His series of holdiay photos, filled with the emptiness that has become the holiday season were very good.  I am going to look at them again at some point, because I could feel my fingers twitching ... I think I could get some inspiration to write from them ...

Speaking of writing ... I think I am going to put my story short on a disc, so that I can take it with me ... outside of my usual wake up <and I have something to report on that ...>, I won't be able to just sit at the computer with lil' Mook out for school ...

... ah, lil' Mook ... great kid ... but knows NOTHING of struggle or deprivation ... why else would she be careless with her things ..?  She lost a set of contacts when she first got them ... had a pair of sneaks stolen at school ... and this X-Mas, sat on her super fly digital camera ... she is actually responsible, but she has lapses in judgement ... Mookie said she got at her ... she was quite contrite most of the night ... I am going to leave that alone ... since it has been handled ...

... I feel like writing ...

It is weird seeing the world new, when you know what is out there ...

... or SHOULD be out there.  I hung past the setting of the sun today because I hoped to look something up that I saw on the Today show last week.  It was Thursday I believe, and the piece was about how a guitar player in an art house movie and a widow connected through music to be friends.  I want to find the name of the film, so that I may order it online.

Ended up just surfin' around, watching music videos and stuff.  When I came out, it was dark.  I flicked on my lights and headed on in.  I could have taken one of two ways home, but since the other path was more rural, I kept to the business streets.  Don't want to give someone an excuse to be on the news as part of an tragic accident story!

After I came in, I ended up going out, down the street to QD to get Mook a soda.  I passed a house all lit for X-Mas, and it made me think of a fellow blogger <ugh!  that sounds so freakin' nerdy!  I guess I go play some 'Warcraft' after this!!> who's Christmas photos were ... gee, the words escape me, but they are haunting and dark reflections of the Christmas that is really there, not what the markets tell is it is.

Though the house was lit and seemed well apportioned, there was something about it, in its striving to be festive, that cause it to fall woefully short. 

Much like most of the aspirations of men ...

... at the Library ..!

So I am at the library … I had wanted to find a feature that ran on the ‘Today Show’ last week, but I have gotten sidetracked by my ‘YouTubing’.

 

I feel like I feel …

 

Talked to my Army sister today … I kinda sorta think she didn’t really understand what she was getting into when she joined.  I wonder who she had to talk to when she was making her decision … <cue the organ for the guilt dirge>

 

She sounds strong right now.  I like what I hear from her and things are building momentum in her favor.  Same with her twin, though I haven’t heard from her recently.  A phone card is a priority for next month, because I want to talk to EVERYBODY!  Nothing special, just a generic, ‘I am thinking about you’ thing.

 

When I go down to Detroit, I will coordinate a visit with the eldest girl.  It is hard for me to explain how I feel about my family.  Though we are an affection bunch, I won’t pretend like I was close with everyone.  Other than my soeur in Chicago, I felt alienated from my family during my teenage, and that extended into my adulthood. 

 

The cumulative effect of envy is being felt.  I have never begrudged partners and friends their family or friends, but I’ve often wondered what someone would make of me reaching out to my scattered family, since I have made a point to inform of my apathy towards them.  I aim to find out, because that is on my ‘to do list’ for ’08. All trespasses, real and imagined, are forgiven.  I want to make sure to spend time and see my sisters and my Aunt.  My Father, if he would have me, I would like to go to Arkansas with him.  That HIS Mother asks about me blows me away!  I hope to get down there by March, with or without Pops.

 

… just gonna keep it movin’ …

... heeyyy ....

... I'm good ..!

Next Monday, I am going to do some measurements, and maybe even get a body fat count.  I am going to list EVERYTHING and do a weekly scale log ...

Normally, I don't concern myself with how much weight I have lost as much as I look for the physical measurments to change.  I look at whether or not I have lost inches around my waist than looking at pounds on the scale.

I think I measured about 14% last year ... I felt fatter than that!  It would be neat to get back to my competitive under 8% ... we will see ... anyway, next week, I am going to not only do my measurements but have a schedule of fitness related events posted.

The Y is going to be off at least until April.  So what I get down will have to keep for the first quarter of the year.  One of the pleasant things about working out and training is how my body responds.  For a little while, I feel like I am 'back', my balance is there, my reflexes, awareness, everything.  'Turned on' is what I call it, when I manage to be focused and into my environment.

I want to ask my therapist about the progress HE feels I have made.  I don't like blowing smoke up my own butt and it would be nice to have an outside party make their assessment ... oh, what am I talking about ..?  Okay, here goes ...

For about 25 years, I participated in the sport of boxing, professionally and as an amateur.  I was a good as a kid, managing to make a little noise nationally, and the same as a pro.  Unfortunately, the wear and tear caught up to me.

Remembering what I was first told about my condition, what I have as far as knowledge prior to my condition being diagnosed, is still there.  So I still get to tell people I am 'smart'.  But there are neurological issues, such as walking and keeping balanced walking up and down stairs that are present<but I can ride a bike for miles ... GO FIGURE>.  And really, who knows?  I mean the entire subject of brain injury is still has a lot of unknowns.  One of the things that has just gained traction is the idea that the brain is static that it doesn't 'grow' as a rule.  But when one region starts to malfunction, another region, that isn't doing anything, can fire up and take over the work ... or something like that.

EVERY SINGLE DAY I try to imagine doing that with my mind.  Because no one can say with any degree of accuracy if my condition will worsen ... they don't know if it will improve either!  The way that I understand it, damage done is damage done, but again, the brain finds a way to function.  I have read all kinds of stories about people with brain issues, and there isn't any reason for me to believe that I can't be someone that functions at a high level ...

... and if I am stuck with what I have got, well dude, it is STILL more than what most people have!  I still carry 4 rounds in my back pocket, can connect enough of the dots to point to the Illuminati and the Bilderberg groups that run the world, and I can still smile the panties off a sheila!

Believe me when I say that I am good, I am exactly that!

I'm good ..!

... believe ...

... isn't that what Pan told Tink ..? or was it the other way around ..?

You know, the unease people feel when they start off on a journey or choose a direction is something I feel keenly prepared to deal with.  Nebraska is shaken, for some reason ... not for me to justify, because I am not feeling it!  What ever it is though, I do own part of the concern she has. 

So I am taking it off of her ... she doesn't need to be worried about anything ... least of all me.

Got lil' Mook's IPod going ... I knew I could get 'er done, just not with someone hovering over me ... especially since it took a good while to download ITunes ... I want to say that I wasn't like that when I was a 'tween, but I prolly was ... impatient and wondering how long is 'when I get to it, Mark' ..!

I am officially tired.  Next week I am going to do a kit and kaboodle weight and tape to see how much my body changes ... and I will do my own 'Biggest Loser' thing ... just wanna see if I can find that dynamic supermiddleweight that is somewhere covered with QD donuts and soda bottles ..!

... perhaps I CAN be a bit much in the morning ..!

This occured to me this very morning.  When I say I wake up 'reddie t' go', I mean just that.  On the 'Today Show', Matt Lauer did an interview with the photographer for Gerald Ford, who was shilling his book ... they showed a picture of Dick Cheney and Donald Rumesfeld, who came up through the Republican party around that time.  Mookie was awoke ...

... and I couldn't help myself ... I straight away took it as an opportunity to explain how the current strategy regarding Iraq and the Middle East that the Administration is following was formed THEN ... it was at this time that the current leadership set up and started growing the thinking that shapes goverment policy today ... and that ...

... that this was too much darn thinking for 8:30 am, the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS ..!

... and I am officially out of the conspiracy business ... even if I were, I can't remember all the darn links ..!  It isn't like I am Jack Bauer ..!

Dealing ...

... but they're close ..!

I got a rare comment from a reader in my email.  Something that I mentioned in a previous entry inspired him to make changes in his 'about me' page.  I wonder what it was ...

His comment made me pause ... I am a little tired of being so self centered.  The cat is dealing with a great loss that apparently occurred at this time of the year, maybe it was last year.  Remembering that I started this to sort out my thoughts after my world had stopped spinning from my Mom's transition, I decided that today's entry was going to be a 'gotta get back into this thing' kind of entry.

The similarity between my and my brother is clear to me, not so much to people who can't look beyond the surface.  He was tall, slender, dark, handsome and gay ... me, not so much tall, and until I spent my first summer in South Carolina, not so dark.  Slender only when I used to imagine being a tall lightweight or rangy welterweight, and I wouldn't say I am handsome ...

But his transition, like when my Mom made hers, was a period of aloness.  And like when Mom had to leave, I find myself struggling with Nolan's leaving ...

I am going to repeat myself, because I use the scene in the first 'Men In Black' movie, where Will Smith's character learns that Tommy Lee Jones' once had a life, and was snatched up to be a MIB.  The Fresh Pr-- er, Will Smith sees a picture of Tommy's life and his wife, and says, "It's better to have loved and lost than not at all."

Tommy replies in that steely grim way that he seems to have patented, "Oh yeah, YOU try it ...".  That is essentially how I feel right now, dealing with so many seemingly unrelated concepts in my mind ...

The contrast between the two events doesn't lessen their impact individually or in total.  I still call upon my Mom, to help me out.  I drop in from time to time that I could have been a better son for her.  I am still pluggin' away, still trying to find my way.  But when NOLAN had to go ...

There is a certain responsibility that he took on that I didn't.  I was never the man my family needed, and he stepped up and filled that space.  Thinking about the love and sacrifice that he made, that I saw him make in my brief stops back to the Motor, has left me with a feeling that I have to fill that hole, some kind of way.

I wonder how I am doing so far?

One of the things I want to work on, is truly being selfless with the ones that I love.  Both Geraldine and Nolan found ways out of no way to show up in the lives and efforts of my sisters.  Yeah, they are grown and the babies not only aren't babies, they have families themselves!  I don't know if they need me to flit through their lives, but I miss them, and if it is okay, I would like to get to know them.

Rita I know less about, but that was a sibling rivalry kind of thing.  Still, I think she has a space that was left by Nolan, because I remember growing up how much she depended upon him.  I don't think that changed too much, and I wonder how she is doing by herself.  The babies got their wanderlust from me, Rita not so much.  I just want to check on her, to let her know that she isn't alone ...

... for my 'new' big sister <cause she IS older than me ..!> it would be nice if we did develop a friendship.  If both me Mum and me brother found their way to liking her, then I should too ... after all, I married her once!  I know two people who manage a relationship with former spouses ... why can't I ..?

... Interpol has went off ... Morrissey's version of 'Cosmic Dancer' is on ... I think of my Nolan, starting off relatively late in his competitive skating, but refusing to be denied ...

... this is going to be a 'gotta get back into this' week ..!

Definition ...

nigel -ed,-ing <v> to be doing in a natural fashion; he is just nigeling his way through school; behaving unobtrusievly and without notice; I just nigeled my way past the crowds; from a song by XTC, 'Making Plans For Nigel'

I apporpriated that song when I was a kid to describe how I felt, smothering in the alienation that was my tweens and teenage years.  Whether it is true or not, I have often felt like my way of doing things is so far beyond the pale, that people feel the need to let me know that I can't do what it is I am trying or attempting to do. 

What they really mean is, that they wish that they had the nerve to at least try to do what I am attempting.  So when I first heard the song 'Making Plans For Nigel', I took it as a message to me.  Looking at the lyrics now, I guess you can make it like maybe he is a 'special needs' cat, and they are letting him roam around under supervision!  But I have always taken it to say that God and his angels understand that Nigel is a nice bloke, who just does what he does and how he does it.

And he is happy in his work.  That is pretty simple.  I like the way that I go about things, good or bad, just like Nigel.  I had a decent day, managing to sit through the opening of gifts and getting my holiday phone calls, and managing X-Mas with the family.  What has worn upon me lately is this feeling of alienation.  My Mom told me that I do that on my own, and she prolly was right.  That is why I went out with the girls to the family gathering.  I didn't mind when two of her sisters followed us to the house and sat for a spell.

It wasn't until later in the evening, when I got ready for bed.  Lying there, wondering when Mookie would make it and what would happen when she did ... and as you can see, I am down here ... not that it is an accurate sign, but it is a leading indicator that we didn't 'celebrate' Christmas in any other fashion.  Man, do I need a drink ..!

So I log on, and ol' Nebraska is on.  I do what I do, send a couple of emails ... she is preoccupied, and that was cool as I did my surfing thing ... but she said something that gave me pause ...

Has anyone ever called you cheesy? You lay shit on too thick sometimes.

 

... why yes, yes there has been times people have rolled their eyes at my lavish words ... and ..?

 

Could be time for modification though.  If there is anything that I think that I am getting in this relationship that I am currently in, is that there may be a finite amount to what people can accept and respond to ... Mookie has tuned me out ... though I am caring what she thinks, it is a means to and end ... I don't want to get put out, not just yet.  Yet one of the learning experiences that I have gotten is that yes, perhaps there is a too nice, a too sweet and thoughtful as well.  One of the reasons I am sitting here, is that I don't feel appreciated or that my needs or wants even matter. 

 

I am trying to still care, and I think I care enough.  By 'care' I mean enough not to raise things to an alert status.  I keep on with my regular routine, no frills.  I clean and I cook and parent.  But there are some things that I won't do, and since I have long since said I won't, I don't think that my obstaincy would cause any further problems.

 

Modification of my own behaviour ... I guess I should look into changing more than what I have on deck ... we will see ... I have always thought that false character would be uncovered ... but as Courtney Love once sang, "I fake it so real  that I am beyond fake' ...

 

... the thought of doing this make my stomach turn ... better get used to it ... the journey is measured by the trip itself, not the destination ...

... and a one, two ...

LIVE … at the FUNHOUSE ..!

I detest lil’ Mook’s Rasputina thing. It bothers me on some many levels, I decided to look within, to find something that I do or did that was perhaps similar and just as potentially annoying <and I do know how to do that ..!>.

Couldn’t find anything that fit from my childhood, though I seemed to specialize at ticking people off. But I do remember at A&T that there were a couple of things that I did that people seemed chapped with. So as lil’ Mook opened what I feel is a good haul for Christmas, I thought back to my college days at A&T.

Working at Champ’s was a natural for me, as I had worked at Foot Locker upstate and they were part of the same group. People prolly don’t realize exactly how much money that shoe jockey make, but even for 1990 dollars, it was a good pay. You had to put in the hours, but you were compensated.

The hustle part of the job wasn’t just the time. You worked basically on commission for what you sold. That made meeting and greeting as many customers as you could paramount. During the holiday season, it was difficult to keep track with all the traffic. It was accepted that if you greeted a customer, then you were the sales person ‘waiting’ on them.

Out on the yard, I had borrowed a single phrase from a Run-DMC song, ‘Here We Go (live at the Funhouse)’. I would come up on a group of people I knew and in my best DJ Run shout, ‘HOW Y’ALL FEEL OUT THERE’, often including DMC’s ‘aw yeah’ … I brought it into the store, and the results were amazing! People would acknowledge me, even if I wasn’t near them. And as busy as we were, it was nearly impossible to actually serve everyone. Many customers would grab some clothing or athletic equipment and go to the counter.

The cashiers were taught to ask if anyone helped them find what they were looking for. I did have the range to check on people and give them at least a smile and a ‘finding everything ..?’. Between that and the encompassing ‘How Y’all Feel ..?’, it often was enough to get them to tell the cashier that I helped them out! Well I have to admit Virginia, that I got under the skin of many a fellow sales person, not to mention folks in the caf with that phrase!

Something else from that time that I KNOW got under people’s skin, is this: funny, I am not. But I like to laugh, and I definitely will laugh at what I FIND funny. This does not mean what I am laughing at or why I am laughing is funny in a general way, but just a Mark way.

One of my roomies, who worked with me at Champs would laugh at my laughing, because what was said, especially if I said it, only had to be funny to one person … ME! I can still feel the gaze of folks who just thought I was a jerk, laughing at something so corny or dumb … which of course made it funnier, as I couldn’t see why they couldn’t get it, or didn’t want to!

So I am not going to pick lil’ Mook’s Rasputina thing apart … after all, she will stop after a little while, and if she doesn’t, que sera … I am a short timer, aren’t I ..?

... what was THAT ...

I came out to make an entry ... mainly because I think that it is strange that Mookie can go straight to sleep ... how tired is she ..?

... rhetorical question ...

... caught Nebraska out here ... and I think she was in a longwave kind of place ... I don't think that I did a good job of catching her feelings ... because she was feeling something ...

... back to scheduled programming ...

... I don't know how or where, but I will find someone to put me to work and to give me money for what I do ..!  That is going to be a big step for me ... to be able to earn my own money ... doing that and getting some relief from Tracy will have me sitting pretty good ... then I just have to take my birthday assessment and go from there ...

... the plan I have is pretty solid ... I feel that it is plausible and puts me in the best of situations ... can I ask for more ..?  The reason that I want to be secure is, I think that in Mook's taking me for granted, is the idea that  I don't have too many options and that I am lucky that she would have me ...

... and SHE definitely should know better than that ... in spite of what she may think, I know better than to think that I am marooned here ...

... is Chicago really that much colder ..?  I can just about feel the wind whipping off the lake icing the links of my bike chain ... guess I will have to figure out the public transit system ..!

AOL gets on my nerves ..! I can't log into my journal, so I don't know what my entry will look like. Anyway, here we go ... I feel lonely this Christmas, which is strange considering my heretofore nomadic adulthood ... I am having trouble with being an afterthought here with Mookie Dee, because that was CLEARLY not the deal I sought ... I know that I did not negotiate like that ..! I definetly remember explaining to her that I was looking to be with the person I was going to spend the rest of my life ... and that there were certain things that I deemed as MUST HAVES ... one of which is that they would actively care about me ... to acknowledge me in their life ... anyway, sitting around about to spend another holiday season with her peeps in and about the house, and sitting up with her and the baby for the next week or so ... is not what I call funny ..!

... in the red corner ...

Stella Was A Diver …

… watching the show ‘Contender’ on ESPN, and putting my essence into the program, into the familiar environment of boxing, I think I am closer to what I miss about the game the most. It is actually what I miss the most about the good events of my life, that I didn’t have that sharing moment with someone special in my life.

Tonight’s episode was the season’s finale, $750k for the winner. The match up was the always compelling youth v. experience. Youth in the form of Jadion Codrington and the experience in Saiko Bika. I didn’t see myself in either fighter, but I am a fighter, and that is link enough.

Given the format of the show, I can see where after taxes, the winner was pocketing life changing money. They wouldn’t have anyone to pay other than themselves - no obligations to trainers or promoters. So I am guessing that the winner ended up putting at least $500k in their bank account.

I was just excited to be watching boxing. Mook and lil’ Mook were out at the mall, so it was just me here to enjoy the fights. And the fireworks started at the first bell, with both fighters trading knockdowns as well as big punches. I was losing my mind! A couple of rounds later, they did inset shots of the fighter’s significant other, and that is when it started happening …

Liquid Swordz

I love my Mother. Yes Mom, I know I let you down. Shoulda, woulda, coulda …

… do think that I could make a case for being pushed out of the matriarchy though. Exhibit A would be my extended excursion to the World Junior Games when I was in High School. I was gone for a little over three weeks, and no one said much of anything to me when I came home. From getting my passport to getting my things together, I took that as one of the signs that maybe I wasn’t included in the process around the house. Though life experience has since changed my perspective of that time period, it hasn’t dulled the sharpness to the insecurity that it created.

Which is why I was feeling empty at the shots of Saiko’s and Jadion’s significant others. The contrasts between the two women, Saiko’s girl having been through the wars with him and the younger girl there for Jadion made me wonder what would have happened if I could have managed to maintain a relationship through the ups and downs of life.

Were I Jadion, it would have been my first wife, so I didn’t really think much about someone being at the start. But looking at Saiko’s old lady, who didn’t flinch when the going was rough, but exhorted him to fight harder … I did have that chance and flubbed it. And when I was still pushin’ leather, I did find myself kickin’ it with Nebraska. And it would have been cool, coming out to corn country and knocking out the farm hands and the cow herders!

So that is where I got stuck, wondering what would have happened if me and Nebraska had put some time in, then I got one more chance to dance under the lights, boxing on the show. My glassy eyed musings were shattered by the reality that they don’t open the show to big guys such as myself, so even in my wildest, it would never happen …

… still, it would have been nice ..!

Come See Me

I own what could pass for a scrap book only under the most literal interpretations. I don’t have ANY of my achievements, from Medals of Accomodations, to Awards from high school, and my boxing … if you didn’t know me, I couldn’t prove it to you, unless we ran into a fighter who’s paths I have crossed. Like pictures, I never saw the point of keeping such memorabilia. Who ever it was important to, they should have kept it. It would be nice to look back on it, I guess. Wouldn’t know, since I have never done it. I am a little bothered by the way Mook and lil’ Mook do things, like the concerts they’ve gone to and the letters and little certificates lil’ Mook brings home from school. I guess, the hero stuff falls to me, and I will get that stuff together. That would be a nice project, and it could serve as a diversion as well.

Getting my little schedule together for the year. But this is going to be a long week to two weeks that the girls are off. Now that we have bit on the cable deal, between the stupid BET and that darn ‘how YOU doin’’ Rasputina thing, lil’ Mook is jumping on all of my nerves! This is an admittedly cold winter, and that means I won’t be able to just escape on my trusty steed and ride off into the unknown for hours at a time. Not going to complain too much, because I got to do what I have got to do.

Length of Love

I think that is such a cool song … I don’t have my favourite Interpol song, because the ones that I like, I seem to have an equal affection for. I need to give their latest CD, ‘Our Love To Admire’, a listen to, even though not a tune jumped at me. I wish that I could catch up on my CD’s … I need to get Jill’s newest, and Queens of the Stone Age has a new one out as well. Those are artists I always trust content from, though Nebraska cheated sending me the Jill cuts she did! She has inextricably connected herself with one of the few AA musicians that I put on the highest tier in the pantheon of music.

I hope to go see her in concert in March, though that really isn’t likely. See, that is what I miss, someone who would go to trouble for me … oh wait, Nebraska did that ..! And really Mark, who are we kidding … it isn’t like it haven’t happened before, it is just that it isn’t happening NOW …

Doesn’t it always work that way?

... and it sneaks up like a thief ...

... quote for today is "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."

... that is from the great nihilist, Friedrich Neietzsche!  I couldn't imagine someone like him ever truly desiring compaionship, but it just goes to show ...

... I have had some good friends who were also my love interest.  Those were were the exception.  Talk about taking something for granted, the friendship that we were building was just as important as any other part of the relationship.

... looking back, I think that it is surprising that I let people who were also my friend as well as my lover get away from me.  Mookie, as sweet as she is, isn't exactly my friend.  I mean if we were co-workers or had even met in another social setting <Mook is the ONLY girl anyone ever mentioned me to>, it is highly questionable that we would try to be cordial let alone become casual friends.

... whenever someone would question my 'blackness', I would reply, "Yeah, but the Reford Police when they pull me over, aren't interested in me because I listen to Nirvana! I think that I am black enough for them!"

... to me, so much of that is self-loathing and/or ignorance by blacks who feel comfortable approaching someone with that question.  Self loathing, because they desire to be more that what it is they are, and seeing in someone else the indivuality to break away from the group and go in a new direction, they become unable to cope with their insecurity. 

... ignorance because they don't have enough information to know that questions of heritage and racial identity is offensive or they really just don't know any better.  So I try to give out 'passes', because though my thinking is atypical, I am not interested in denying my racial identity, or dating outside of my race.

... have considered it ... but I don't think that I am 'black' enough for white girls either!  At least not when I was younger.  Can't recall the circumstance, but I do remember some 'Trailer Tammy' telling me in so many words that I wasn't 'thug' enough for her ... which was no biggie as I couldn't find a waiver for her to fit in my life ...

... won't absolutely rule it out ... I would not like it if I missedout on a partnership because of something so predjudiced.  But I am starting to ramble away ... the reason that I am even in this neighborhood is because X-Mas won't be at Mook's parents, but her youngest brother is expressing a desire for the peeps to get together at his place.  Now BOTH of her brothers would rather switch than fight <y'all feelin' me ..? Thought you did> have their white women, both of them rather unspectacular.  Her eldest bro, I remember his travails with the girl who would eventually become his wife from what, high school?

... but the bro that wants to have X-Mas, his girl Fiona, is a freaking beast.!  This is in NO WAY an exaggeration, she is way ugly ... Fiona is a reference term, as she looks more like Fiona the Ogre princess from 'Shrek' than not ... short, dumpy , lumpy body ... and I am just amazed that they have TWO children!

... never told Mookie this, but even with her eldest bro, I wanted to ask how it came to be that he found his way to a white girl.  Again, I don't think anything about interracial relationships ... but I am interested in the dynamics of how they came to pass ... sister girls are tough on brothers, but with good reason ... and I haven't ever faulted a successful sister for going of the farm ...

... but when brothers leave the reservation, I just wonder what is up with that ... what kind of relationship were they exposed to in their family that influenced them ... there are just too many sisters in need of someone willing to be there for them to not try to make a relationship work ...

... yeah, I AM part of the problem ... I am also part of the solution ... I think ...

... or so I want to be ...

... nothing ... nothing at all ...

Me saying that I am in a good mood is sort of redundant. I make an effort to be in a good humor most days. That I am listening to a dark song like ‘Opium’ by Christophe De Babalon, isn’t a marker as to how I am feeling.

Did manage to stay in bed until 7 a.m. this morning. This included a normal ‘wake up’ earlier, but I made myself stay in bed and counted sheep <literally>. But at seven or thereabouts, I couldn’t get back to sleep and I didn’t want to fidget Mookie awake, so I got going.

Reading Clarence Thomas’ book, ‘My Grandfather’s Son’, he talks of when he first got to Washington and part of his personal challenges that he faced. Didn’t finish, but I was up to the part where he was invited to do a marathon. He was a long way removed from being ready as he drank and lazed himself out of condition. He said he ran everyday, a little more to build himself up, and did the marathon in a decent time.

I don’t think I am in the condition that he was in, as I have never let myself go, but I wonder if I can do a marathon. It is a mental thing obviously, as I've managed to go for ten, eleven miles at a crack. To go on and do the extra mileage of a marathon would just be a mind of matter thing.

The thing about Clarence Thomas preparation for his marathon that appeals to me, isn’t to get ready for a marathon, but to just lose weight. I want to have that moment that just floors people. That might not happen, since I have always been seen as ‘in shape’, but just that I see it will be good enough. I am going to try to run everyday, at least 6 times a week. Since I am not in the YMCA, I will do floor work until I reinstate my membership, will looks like it won’t happen until March.

Today I am going to sit down and write out my goals for the year. First I am going to put down the things that I want to do then put them in a prioritized list, so that I can step by step make my way. And I am going to write out a firm schedule to adhere to. Some of what makes me ‘tired’, having to go off my message and deal with things I would rather not, like doing Christmas with Mook’s family, will be mitigated knowing that I can see what I am going to be doing beyond that event, and with lesser things that tax me, I will be able to tell someone exactly why I am not going to be able to make it instead of just saying, “I don’t want to.”

Can’t remember who said that Mookie prolly notices, but I am going to prep my gear. I remember when I decided to relax, because I though that it was my maintaining a posture to be ready to leave that contributed to the household attitude. That doesn’t seem to be the case. If anything, it has become more and more grating. So I am going to get mobilized and be ready, and this isn’t an ESPN ‘you better watch’ moment.

Ran into ‘Michael’ at Meijer’s yesterday evening. Michael is this young cat, between 18 and 22, that speaks every time I see him, usually riding the bus downtown. Though I want to get out of the habit of talking to people I don’t know, I feel compelled to speak to him, almost like a mentoring.

If there is a person who is more upbeat and positive,than me, I haven’t met them. Michael has some things working in his life that I kind of picked up by feel. Maybe some legal stuff, definitely school, and he may have some things related to controlled substances as a user/merchandiser going as well. But he always has a smile for me, and we talk.

So I have decided to, like I have done with Nebraska, ‘grandfather’ him into my life. There is evidently something for me to be in his life, and I aim to do it. It isn’t like I haven’t been something for someone before. From family to good friends, I have if not provided the spark, gave someone that push they needed, the words that they could have echo during dark times that pulled them through.

That is what I meant when I told Nebraska that I am going to take the advice that I give to people. Tired of being the shady-tree mechanic that fixes everyone else’s car, but needs a ride to get where he needs to go. I am going to stick to my knowledge base and go for what it is that I know.

Don’t remember the call letters, but some Saturday mornings would start with catching Canadian Public Radio. Since WUOM is at the bottom of the FM dial, the signal often gets crossed with other stations. In Detroit, it got mixed up with Canadian Public Radio 2. They would have a music program, and there were quite a few bands I picked up listening, one of these groups being the Boards of Canada.

‘Eagle In The Mind’, is the perfect counter point to ‘Opium’. With that, I am closing out, and going to get into my day.

Catching up with ...

... myself, mainly ...

(big sigh) I am going to start to MAKE myself stay in bed, whether or not I am sleepy ... that I get up early most every day isn't necessarily a cool thing ... I wonder what is going to happen the older I get ... no matter how you slice it, I am not getting enough sleep ... that my disquiet wakes me isn't a good enough reason, or at least it isn't anymore ...

... Nebraska says I don't have to email her in the morning anymore ... today I am going to agree with her ... if she hasn't figured out by now that I would dote on her as her partner, then she never will ... and I am pretty sure I would be able to pick up on that ...

MAN AT HIS BEST ...

... I remember that line from Esquire magazine ... it caught my notice when I was a KID soldier in the Army ... I made a little sign with big block letters and taped them to my wall locker in my barrack.  That was what I aspired to be, just a general 'jack of all trades', sort of like the character Terrence Howard played in the film, 'The Best Man'.  Right now, I feel like this is the time that I show that I am 'all growed up' and ready to take on a singular focus with my life's direction ...

... one thing that I can be sure of, is the desire to lose some weight, to maybe have a 'Biggest Loser' kind of moment ... am I going to take a picture ..?  I might ... looking at my latest photo, I don't know if you can really see if I am fat or not ... I know that I am considered 'atheletic' when considering my physique ... but going by the scale and the BMI <body mass index> I am overweight ... so what ever it is that I need to lose IS there ... to that end, I am going to work out a fitness calendar, and hold to it as my raison d'etre, and see if I can get down to a comfortable size ... torn between setting a modest but achievable goal of 20lbs by June, or by pressing myself and going for 40lbs by the same date ... hey, how about just saying 20 - 40lbs and be done with it ..?  Sounds good, mate ...

... I am going to do my own leg work regarding finding a job ... not that Barbara Neal isn't helpful because she has been ... but I think that I can add a day to my own efforts ... I think that having a job would allow me to re-introduce myself to society at large and give me a sense of being a part of something larger than myself ... that is missing in my life right now ...

... also, I need to carve out some story writing time ... I like the little short that I am working on ... I WILL take in one of the free writing classes they offer through the library ... it will be neat to have a couple of shorts put together ... I don't know what is going to happen as far as fitting that time in until everybody goes back to work and to school ... perhaps I will start on it anyway, taking a few hours at the library ... the environment may help me to write ...

... looking back, this has been a challenging year ... still think about Nolan ... I am so glad that he knows that I love him ... that is why it is going to be important for me to get off to a good start in January ... his transition has made me keenly appreciate the things that bring my pure childlike joy ... sorta like that 'moment' in Chicago ...

... perhaps Omaha doesn't get as much snow, but it HAS to be windier ... and that is the one weather characteristic that I can honestly say, gets to me ... I don't like the wind ...

AZURE RAY - SEA OF DOUBTS LYRICS

... don't know if it has the same impact just reading the lyrics, but go to somewhere and listen to the song ... especially if you are undecied about love ...

Sea of Doubts

Despite my best efforts, I haven't managed to out grow the identification of popular music to my moods and feelings.  The knowledge that 'popular' is a relative term when talking about the music that I listen to.  That is why I tell Nebraska that she is 'cheating' sending me Jill Scott's latest songs, as I so rarely like anything that is part of popular consciousness.

Azure Ray is one of the many indie bands that I have.  I don't know if it is right to say that I 'like' them, as I only have the one release from them, 2003's 'Hold On Love'.  Today's feature song, 'Sea of Doubts' captures the inner conflicts of the soul.  That the meet with my employment consuelor felt unproductive, it certainly fit my mood at the moment <uh, von Clauswitz tells a brother how to deal with doubts ... so it was just a 'good song moment'> riding back to the house.  The bus heading towards my side of town was passing me, and I decided to hop it.  Had to ride it down, but I got to it, and boarded it, thinking of pushing through with my day.

When the bus reached the Meijer's store nearest to the house, I decided to get off and go to the gas station to fill my tires with air, as they were in need of a fill.  I then pedaled on, and rather than go to the library, went on in for the day.  One of the irrating things about Lansing, is that the things that I like to do, seem so far away <even though they aren't, not compared to Detroit>, offer little satisfaction for the trouble.  The Azure Ray song was still in my head, and when I logged on to AOL, I punched in the band and looked them up.AZURE RAY BIOGRAPHY

The link made another 'link', this one with my soul.  The connection is extremely thin, like the thickness of a blade of Kentucky Bluegrass, but it is there.  Another reason to make Omaha my new home page, and for one of the girls in the group, it would be for a similar purpose ...

Since I went to Chicago last month, I was in the process of looking over the shortcomings in Lansing, both personal and geographical, and getting use to them, in perpetutity.  The lack of social outlets to a malasie that is tangible, it is one thing alone that brought me here ... and if I had forgotten why it wasn't enough the first time, I am reminded now.

... subject ..? We don' need no stinkin' subjet ..!

… fallout from Kevin Everett …

The article was fairly balanced, considering it is a sports magazine <SI., Dec 17th> and you have to figure it would paint the rosiest of portraits …

Kevin’s quote, used as the cover caption, symbolizes so much, for people who have setbacks and feel lost. “What am I going to do?”, people will ask themselves when things start to go badly for them. They lose hope, their faith <in themselves AND in their divine faith> and what ever it is that they have undertook, for them it lies behind Dante’s gate … the one with the inscription that reads ending “… abandon all hope, ye that enter.”

How can you do that? How can you give up on yourself to the point you lose all hope? Honestly, what is the point of faith from without if you can’t muster faith from within? For me, it is beyond comprehension. You hope for what you can’t see, but you got to believe in what you can.

I know that I can do the things that are in my mind, because I can SEE them. If not as concepts of my imagination, then in the world, like the article about Kevin. What I took from the article, bolstered my philosophical bent, the qualities that I would like to make a part of me, the sentiment behind actions, were for the most part reaffirmed.

A man is what he thinks about most of the time. I don’t have to worry about whether or not I am a good person … I think good thoughts, make good choices and do good things. What kind of person would you think that makes me? I am good looking, not because anyone told me <though to be fair, I have heard it or had it indicated a lil’ bit!> but because I do the hygiene and the exercising, and wear clean clothes <for the most part; I will wear my sweats and a pair of jeans to death!> … so if I don’t look good, it is just TO YOU, cause when I look in a mirror, I absolutely LOVE what I see.

Not that I don’t have my issues. I don’t live in a vacuum. But I am a firm believer in that there isn’t a challenge that can’t be met and overcome. I know that I can be annoying, and I can be mean. After all, I am human. But that only means that I am not perfect, it isn’t a justification for being a jerk. It is a matter of choice. I won’t choose to be anything that I don’t want to be. Period.

In my ESPN Sports Center highlight, I can see getting back into school, and eventually getting some kind of degree. I want to get to a bachelor’s, but disappointment will set in if I don’t at least get an associate’s and/or commit to a program of lifelong learning, just taking classes here and there. I miss the environment of a college nearly as much as I miss boxing.

Time to shove off … going to do my employment thing with Ms. Neal … got a good feeling, good vibe ..!

Damn! I feel good ..!

Shower Time <get up slacker!>

… don’t know what it means … sort of wanted to blame a lack of maturity for my finding myself in music. It may not be right to do, but it isn’t necessarily wrong …

… today, a song by the Canadian band The Stills, ‘Lola Stars and Stripes’ has found a groove in my mind. I don’t know what it means, just that episodes of my life flash in bright colors across the gray skies in my life. Not all are good, many bittersweet. Together though they are all the sum of me. That is something that is always a good thing.

Reading about Kevin Everett and his fight to make the most of what is left in life has further emboldened me. I like what he said, “You have got to be strong. Plain and simple. If you get knocked down, you have got to get back up.” It is just like that. No grey or reading in between the lines. I have told myself that this is going to be the year I do just that, get right to it and go at things straight away.

Talking about his rehabilitation process, he spoke of how each day he gains a little more, and that leads to him going a little more further the next time. I have to keep that in mind, remembering that I have the additional challenge of not having a team or financial werewithal to go about things like he does. Doesn’t mean I can’t have the same attitude. Every second that I cut from a run, or each time I make it ‘up and down’ more than my goal, is worthy of celebrating.

I don’t think that Mookie is going to change. That is clear. I don’t know that if she was to attempt to cross the divide that I would be willing to go BACK OUT and help her make it through. I have 19 days to get into gear, and it is going to be a long time, with both her and lil’ Mook off for that time as well. Instead of being ‘tired’, I am just going to suck it up, and do the damn thing ..!

… doesn’t mean I want to go to Christmas dinner ..!

... like the coffee at the bottom ...

... preliminary discussions about Christmas over Mookie's folks house ... so NOT looking forward to it ...

Not whining about the deal that I have made, since I have known that by not keeping close contact with my own roots, that I would have to assimilate into the lives and routines of those who I was involved with.  But it isn't something that I normally do, it was never that big at least to me, growing up.  I don't remember spending both Christmas and Thanksgiving with EVERYONE.  Especially Christmas.  We would drop off gifts, then get back in the house.

Mookie's family isn't all that bad ... there could be worse things other than sitting with them for a few hours.  It is more like I would simply rather not.  That is the real deal, I just don't want to.  Nothing really more, nothing less.  And it should be my choice... but wait, I am in a relationship and my selfish designs are to be sublimated for the bigger picture, the greater good.  I don't want to cause a possible conflict, especially a needless one.

So I will go.  Will not like it, but I will suffer through it.  I have to, to let what I know to do to work for me. 

Big Brother is watching

The Two Minute Hate …

I have to watch my language … not as far as expletives go, but how I talk with myself. Today was the first time that ‘hate’ popped into my mind, and stayed there, when I had to think of Mookie. Right now, I hate what she does, and how she operates.

We had a conversation while she was helping finish dinner, about the liquor set-up that are available during the holidays. She mentioned some of the brands, but it was Grey Goose that caught my attention. I am by no means a drinker; even though I would order a cognac, I don’t think that my three, maybe four times a year tippling counts as ‘drinking’. But I do have those glasses, so I guess you can say I drink.

She talked about how nice they looked. I had seen the display in a store, and thought that would be something we could do … if things were different. So when she mentioned that they had caught her attention, I was ready to start making a holiday evening for us. I asked her, “What was your Grey Goose moment, what did you see drinking Grey Goose?”

First I had to get her to work with me. She kept trying to tell me that she doesn’t drink <she does, but it is about like me … very little>. Then when she was able to grasp the fringes of the concept, she said flatly, “People getting drunk.” Well, that was $40 dollars saved! It grates upon me, her lack of insight or understanding of mood. “What does she think?”, I wonder. “Does she have any dreams or notions of what she wants in her relationship? How could you be without any thoughts of what romance is, and how to take advantage of opportunities to love, or even MAKE opportunites to love your partner?”

I was able to give her a brief look at what might have been, us at a club watching the ball drop and sharing a ‘year long kiss’. It was at that moment, the word ‘hate’ flashed across my mind, and it lingered a few long seconds before it begin to dim. Want to be careful here, because that isn’t a word to be trifled with. Today was the first time I could associate it with Mookie and some of her behaviors though. Not a good sign. Because it isn’t far from being associated to Mookie herself …

Like I don’t know how she can sleep comfortably with me here in the basement. It could be argued that someone is making sure she gets her ‘tune-up’, I don’t think so, to a 99.9% certainty … reason being that this is behavior she accepted with her last partner. His rationale was that since she snored so badly <truthfully, she does> he needed to sleep on the couch. That isn’t why I do though. I just have a problem with intimacy with her in bed. No touching or kissing, or even proximity in bed. So not cool in my view, and that out of all her habits <sleeping with the telly on and a fan, acting as ‘white noise’ for her> is what drives me out of bed.

Asking her why is like peeling an onion -- to start would mean the peeling away some many other layers before you got to the center of it all. Also, the excuse making is over, because we have had direct conversations where I told her simply what I was looking for. And like most things that you ask for directly in a relationship, the requests were ignored or left unattended to.

It is no longer about talking and salvaging this relationship, at least not on my end. All the effort that I had to give, was given. I am not going to find myself empty in a dying relationship. I will have enough so that I can go on elsewhere, and remake myself yet again.

Man, I am sooo very unhappy here. Jill sing my song … been listening to ‘Come See Me’, because that is what I could use right now, someone to come and take me away from this.

But it is never that easy.

... open like the Western plains ...

Started off even earlier than usual -- jury summons had slipped my mind. Mookie remined me of it just last night before bed. Meant getting OUT in the pre-dawn darkness and canceling my doctor’s appointment. Got to the courthouse just fine and it occurred to me that I have a valid excuse -- MY DISABILITY!! I just happen to carry my award letter from the Social Security administration with me, so I showed to the lady who checked in the potential jurors. She granted me an exclusion from service, which gave me a potential day off!!

Short walk to the bus station … what to do, what to do … Called my therapist office to let them know I’d be in and got the bus out to that side of town; returning to the house felt like a waste as I would have to leave just as I grew comfortable with being home. Also, if I had played hooky from my session, I’d have to make dinner … not only that, next week I wouldn’t have a meet, which I didn’t want to happen, going a full three weeks without talking to someone. Besides, dinner would have had to be made, and I did not feel like making it!

On the bus, I saw a young lady … I mean, I SAW her … would give her about a 12.5, 13 < yes, I DO need that large a scale ..!>. Maybe she was a college student, probably articulate, reasonably bright. A veil fell across my eyes and I saw us walking the yard, sitting on the lawn in front of her dorm … doing what was at once my past and future … a future that Mookie wasn’t a part of.

At that moment, the veil lifted and the nameless woman left my life forever, exiting the bus. That was to be expected , what wasn’t was how much of her I ‘saw’, that I saw here at all. Man, for me that wasn’t a good sign for my present relationship. Me seeing women … ‘target acquisition’ doesn’t happen until there is need to acquire a target. So do I have a need to acquire one?

Jr. High School …

My jr. high experience was not a good one. Time has not improved over what I would call ‘my era of discontent’. We had just moved into an ‘old Redford’ adjacent neighborhood in the far northwest corner of Detroit. I could never find my way through the social pecking order in my neighborhood or in my school. That has become a reoccurring theme in my life -- one of not quite fitting in.

The group I left, I was an ‘A-list’ kid. Smart, sort of cool, and had some legacy outside of the classroom -- my cousins. Whenwe moved, I was the new kid, and I was never quite able to shake the ‘new-kid smell’ off. So in my new ‘hood, being Stage and Stevie’s cousin didn’t mean anything, and for my brother, having Mark as his big would mean even less.

The start of my 6th grade brought disturbing trends, that were felt even in the realm of sports -- I was clearly an outsider to the social circles of both the neighborhood and in school. Being smart, athletic didn’t matter -- and jr. high was the first time I would feel ‘unattractive’. I couldn’t figure out the social networks, and I was soon at THAT TABLE in the lunch rooms and sat with THOSE KIDS at the back of the classrooms. Since I was in the honors program, being with THOSE KIDS meant I was with the nerdiest of all the nerds.

So despite my athleticism, which usually cuts through the pecking order for boys, I was still an outsider, save with my other comic reading, Dungeons & Dragon playing friends. I had been ‘Rudolphed’ when it cam to sports, not picked, not told of any of the local youth sports programs. Even the group sports that I had played before I moved there, hockey, left me open to further chastisement. Though I had played some pick-up football, I really didn’t get the opportunity to play in the social network I had moved into.

But in school, when the weather began to change, we went outside for gym less, and stayed indoors and played basketball. I could play basket ball, which even I find hard to believe, even though I played and hell, I know myself! I used to dream of being a Sidney Wicks or a David Thompson. But when I figured I would do well to get to six feet in height, I wanted to be a Dave Bing or Nate Archibald.

Though I couldn’t get many touches playing pickup football, on the basket ball court, I was an entirely different creature. Though I was with the other ‘athletic nerds of the nerds’, I could flat out play. Even with the gym teachers supposedly setting up our teams fairly, for some reason it still resembled the ‘unofficial seating chart’ for the lunch room. Didn’t matter, because I could just flat out PLAY ..! My Mom would take me to Olympia AND Cobo Hall <this is well before the Pistons would play at the Silverdome, let alone get the Palace to play in> to watch the games. I would play with my teenage cousins, and run with them in the pick up games with adults from the ‘hood at the nearby parks … yes Virginia, I had game.

Isay ‘had’, because there would come a time in my life as a young adult, that it was better for me to let basketball go. What I have now is the basic knowledge of how to play, but not the real talent I once had. But in jr. high, I could do the damn thing ..!

Ballin’ with the others from ‘the island of misfit toys’, I would lead them to our occasional nerd victories, which would make lunch which followed gym, a little more easier. I had still wasn’t fitting in … Gant and Girbaud did not have the same pedigree as Lacoste, Polo, and Guess <despite similar cost ?!?>. And no matter what Run-DMC and the folks in New York wore, I felt as though I was the only kid wearing Adidas in a school full of Nike this and Nike that <though I would get a pair of Air Force’s, like Eric Turner of the University of Michigan wore>

The jr. high schools would play each other in the spring, after high school basketball was finished. I guess it was so that the official would be available to work the games. Our gym teacher had mentioned me to the teacher who would coach the boys 6th graders, and he asked if I wanted to try out. Did I ..!

I would make the team, and I saw it as the first step into making my was out of the social hinterlands. Even though I thought I was a very good player, one of my classmates, BJ Armstrong was a VERY SPECIAL player, as it would bear out. Not only did he go on to be All-State in high school, he got a Big Ten scholarship to Iowa, and he would play for the Chicago <yes dear, THOSE Michael and Scottie Chicago Bulls>. Even with me thinking I could play, hockey had taught me humility and respect, so I wasn’t trying to be Hertz…

… did think I could be Avis though ..!

Hindsight shows me how we were all riding BJ’s coattails, and he made us look as though we could play. That still doesn’t take away that the style of game I played complimented his. We were pretty good together, and even as Kato to his Green Hornet, I still managed to get my points and stay out of his way. In our last game of that school year, against our biggest <as much as one as you could have in jr. high> rival, BJ’s game was off …

… mine was on … on FIRE!

The game was close … I remember the din in the gym pretty loud. It was a home game, which made it sweeter because everyone who had hassled me got to see me, ME, carry the team. But when it came to the last shot, I remember the kid who had the ball, one of my tormentors, had the choice to pass the ball to me, who was not just hot, but also wide open, or to BJ, who was doubled teamed.

Since this is a true story, you know what happened. The kid forced the ball to BJ, the other team stole the pass, and won the game. The next day in school, the talk was how tough the covered BJ, and how a couple of the other guys from the ‘in crowd’ played well. No one mentioned me, even when during homeroom announcements they said I had been the games’ leading scorer.

And this is how it really goes during the adolescent stages of life, that no matter what you do, you fall into a slot irrespective of your talents. Being good at basketball meant as much as my grades being high did; perhaps less, since my tormentors in the honors classes were at the very least, supposedly as smart, some quite a bit smarter than I was <like BJ>. It was then, I realized I was going to be on the outside, always looking in.

So there began my life, one spent almost entirely in the margins, in between the groups of people. Sports would never provide me with the cache that it gave to others, black OR white. I already knew I wasn’t going to fit in with white kids from playing hockey with them. Not only that, I never aspired to be ‘white’ in any way or shape. But at least I could understand why I wasn’t ‘in’ with them.

What did get confirmed for me, is that black people -- MY PEOPLE, weren’t going to accept me on the face of being ‘like them’. I would always have to find ways to gain access to their social networks. This included sports. I wouldn’t stop playing basketball until I got to college, when my pursuit of boxing, which replaced all others athletic endeavors exclusively. Now, it would seem as if I never picked up a ball in my life … but that is fine with me. As to how it reflected in my social skills, I would grow out of the awkwardness of my ‘discontent’ to switching to another sports tinged metaphor, and live as if I was coordinating a team in the ‘run ‘n shoot’ offense.

High risk and high reward … pretty is as pretty does! I was loose and scored plenty, but even with all of the points, there was an emptiness, a shallowness to all the ‘statistics’ I would pile up. But maybe that is for another day of reflection … another time …

Speeding things up

… and some are like stars …

… moving eternally through the heavens … and there are some like comets … briefly illuminating the sky … finally there are those who are like the mayfly, with there brief span of like, like the spark of flint against stone …

… have I missed my moment ..? I remember a few times staring into the miasma that is future and seeing glimpses of what could be for me … still, whenever I would come upon the critical junctions in MY future, I was always found wanting …

… a foot is as good as a mile when you miss the hole … and there isn’t much for those who ‘almost could have ‘ … the question is, what is it that am I going to try to be ..?

… the last two movies that I found myself identifying with, ‘The Notebook’ and ‘Love in the Time of Cholera’, the men were able to move on with there own lives, their own purposes … I have to remember that myself, because I know that I can remember how to do it … to lie in wait for love …

… after this last chewing out by my beacon siren, I guess I won’t use this month to excise myself of my emotional ballast … I will just store it and put it away … start to focus on my goals and the tasks to reach them …

… one of the lessons that I feel I have learned is commitment is for sure a two way street … I had always thought that I was the one that held back … but in revision, from my first wife through to now, I have made huge changes to allow for the women in my life to be a part of my world … but instead, of it going both ways, I feel more like Lila Cheney, crossing the universe for the one she loves …

… but not willing to dare to ask how far that person would go for them …

… have to get clear headed so I can do more of what makes me, unique. I haven’t been writing like I want, nor reading … not purposely digress, but I will mention the book I am currently reading, as what I have read factors into my current state …

… the book, ‘The One Percent Doctrine’ by Ron Suskind, tells of the Washington that emerged after the events of 9-11 … some of what I read, links up what I already knew PRIOR to the attack … I am not saying that I had insight that some of the smartest and well-connected people in the country didn’t know … what I AM saying is that I know more than the flag-waver that thought Sadaam was connected to those attacks … just because I can’t ‘prove’ the things that I know, because I don’t have the materials at hand, or can cite the sources … I just know what I know …

… knowing what I know … that has to be the flag that I raise … the banner behind which I rally around … because I have to trust in myself and my knowledge … the philosophy that I have found whatever limited success in, will be the one that I build around … dreaming of it all and wanting it too has not harmed anyone … and the truer that I stay to my vision, the likelihood of reaching them increases …

… the first step is finding some kind of employment … then I can make a firmer financial plan … that is the mission for the first quarter … right now, the gulf between what I need and what I am getting is too wide … getting a job will alleviate that to a degree … being able to have a clearer vision is what having a job will do …