Down and set

Hearing me repeat something isn’t a sign of my forgetfulness always … repetition saves lives, repetition prevents error, repetition creates wealth … repetition does so many more things than keep me from being a doddering middle-aged man wandering around looking for his shoes. Repetition indicates importance.

Either it is to enforce rules of a household, or define the boundaries of a relationship; repetition creates the familiar within each and every connection. Being honest, I acknowledge some of my limitations. In fact, sitting with Ms. Neal, looking through employment opportunities on the Internet, I admittedly fit ‘pieces’ of the job requirements, including jobs that I have previously held. Only pieces, not the complete whole.

BUT … I do fill many of them and one of the things that I do have, is my ability to make sense of things, to follow logical progressions, and see things through to the end. I still have vision, and the determination to follow what it is I see. Bottom line, I just trust myself. My instincts are still with me, and I never lacked for confidence.

Now with what is going on in my life, this frustration, this confusion, makes me an imposter to myself. I may make mistakes, but I have always known who I was. Today, I don’t know who it is looking back at me in the mirror. Somewhere underneath all of the camouflage and deep into the underbrush, I am somewhere in there, fighting my way through. It is a phrase that has lost some impact, given its colloquial use in the hip-hop/r&b pap that dominates the airwaves, but I have to get back to being me.

This is going to be a daunting task, not only in scope but in length. The minimum out time is 12 months from February, 2009. That I would max out in June of that year is hard to conceive. But some of the greatest achievements of history have spanned glorious lengths. From the audacity to conceive of such a grand vision, to having the determination to see that vision through, is what I will have to show now. After all, time is fickle and the week at age 2 is not the same week as it is at age 13 … just as the long month is not the same at 20 as it is at 29 … time is always what you make it, and if you aren’t working towards something, time is even more slippery and capricious enough to work against your goals.

I have always been completely honest with myself. That is what I am being now. Admitting to my shortcomings also means I have to acknowledge and secure my strengths. I have to make what I have work for me, and not be stingy in its use. That is what I am going to do.

December is zero month … all planning and preparations need to be made and examined. This new year will truly be that, a new year, a new vision, a new direction.

... clock ticking ...

... went for a Meijer's run ... had coffee and donut for a dollar ... even though there is a Tim Horton's up the block, a dollar for coffee and a quarter for the paper is hard to beat ..!  I had my bookbag on my back with my messenger bag on the side ... that is going to be what I do for the winter ... add a 'handicap', as I won't be doing mileage this season ... it is going to be a first for me ... I usually have it backwards, running more during the winter and lightening the load for the summer ...

... that comes from boxing ... starting out in Detroit, it was good motivation for me to tell myself that I was in the cold, working to overcome lack of talent and skill ... and imagining my potential opponent laying in bed, warm and comfortable dreaming of sugarplums, while I was out in the dark with the winos and prostitutiues trying to get ready for him ... put that 'edge' on ...

... can't remember the year that I thought I was going near too far with that ... I was still in Detroit ... and I think I was married or hanging out with then-future and once Mrs. Johnson ... but I was Super Black Market cold out ... and not only did I run ... it was a big run ..!  Dark, because it was night, I took out down Telegraph Road ... finishing up at home an hour later ... I had taken to putting layers of vaseline on my face to keep the wind off and my face warm ...

... I worked with the wind coming home ... still, the vaseline had impossibly FROZEN in spots on my face ..!  Yeah, it was too cold that day ... but I dodged the frosbite bullet for sure ...

... I haven't recorded my time yet ... I am still going by how I feel rather than performance ... it was my first run since my Chicago trip ... Going to get a new schedule to work with ... start playing with it now, and by the new year, I will be ready ..!  Man, I am glad I like to run ... it is just getting over that 10-mile barrier ... if Katie-freakin' Holmes can run a marathon ... then I had better be able to ..!

... working out does so much for me that I can't imagine myself ever not doing something ... walking ... real yoga ... wouldn't mind Tai Chi ... it makes me feel too darn good to stop ... that is part of what irritates me with Mook ... she has all these darn complaints ... back this, shoulder that ... then to watch 'The Biggest Loser' only to go off and repeat the same things that aren't working for her ... I don't really understand why she doesn't want to do something ... not even for dress sizes ... more just to feel good ..?

... if people only knew how much their lives would improve by taking just 30 minutes every other day for themselves ... I sometimes wonder if I am an enabler, because I like full women ... and double digit sizes don't faze me in the least ... but a simple routine would improve a host of minor discomforts plus give quantity time for us ...

... but she finds excuses ... and excuses are lame by nature ... I just hate <remember ... I am careful with my quantative words ... so I mean exactly that ..!> hearing about my side this and my back that ... ooh, my knees are sore ...

GET UP AND DO SOMETHING ..!

... I think people are intimidated by the thought of a routine ... it isn't that complex ... aerobic means run or something that simulates that kind of effort ... resistance training means lift something, pull something, or push something ... work muscle groups that work together ... days you pull, work with pulling exercises all over ... days you push ... work similalry ...

... I could go on ... it just bothers me to hear people talk about why they ache and are not doing anything about it ... and it irritates me to listen to Mookie do it ... Jillian can't train anyone better than I can ...

All About Nutrition Bars
People always ask me what I think about nutrition bars. Well, the simple answer is: I don't think they're all that "nutritious." In fact, there is nothing nutritious about most of them. Usually, they're full of processed carbs and chemicals. They have as many calories as — if not more than — a candy bar. And they're loaded with trans fats and sugar alcohol.

Some bars are lower in calories, and some don't have trans fats, but unfortunately this cannot be said for most of them. Honestly, if this is your idea of a snack, you might as well just go have a candy bar and get it out of your system. Yep, it's that troubling.

If you really want some nutrition in your snacks, try having a cup of dry whole grain cereal, a piece of fruit, or a few raw or dry-roasted nuts or a couple of cups of air-popped popcorn. Just eat real food.

At the end of the day, as long as your snack calories fit into your overall daily allowance, the choice is up to you. There is no right or wrong answer on this, only different choices. But you can choose wisely.

 

... the above was a tip from Jillian's web page ... I am a subscriber, because I like making sure I am correct in my workout plans ... and all of that is something I could have told you ... but since she is on TV and doing it ... she has more credibility ...

... strange ... you can LOOK AT ME and see that if nothing else, I might know a lil' something ... grr ... all I am doing is getting angry ..!

feeling for balance ...

I have just one day and a wake up to be doing this 'little trouble girl' stuff ... my thoughts are on getaway after that ...

Nebraska is here ... in my mind and in the same dimension ... I remember wondering about people that meet out here in the cyber world and what has them so willing to take what at first glance is just an incredible risk ... Thursday's 'Today' show ran a story about a 'Facebook' relationship gone awry, resulting in the suicide of a teenage girl.  It was a prank play by AN ADULT WOMAN ... I didn't get all into the report, other to glean that it was a joke played on a vunerable teenage by a grown woman ... the aggrieved Mother was justifiably upset and unforgiving ...

...speaking of unforgiving ... maybe I will rent that dvd tonight ... a good character film for me ... I would like it ... and it would keep me off the computer ... staying away from here is going to be a test ... I need to get into the physical plane and get my game on ...

... speaking of 'my game' ... I REALLY miss boxing ... I miss the bus rides and the people in the out of the way towns ... they seemed to have a degree of respect, considering for their hard earned money, I was willing to provide them with something to see ... the only wish that I ever had boxing, was that I made it to the weigh in for the Barcelona Olympic trails at Northern Michigan ... anything else, I gave like I got ...

... forgot to tell Nebraska that I had written a page or two of a story ... I am having a problem transitioning from the narrative to entering into dialouges ... if for no other reason, I want to go to school to learn how to take and shape whatever it is I have ... not only do I like words, they seem to like me as well, because they may sound odd to the ear, but not coming out of my mouth <if that makes any sense ..!>  She says we should collaborate on a story ... I wonder what she would come up with ... someone would needs to have some sort of creative control ... to shape and hone it ... if we had the physicality to our writing, then it wouldn't be that big of a problem ... eh, we will see ...

... the intimacy of sharing thoughts so open is alluring ... because even though we don't know each other ... I know me ... and that means I know enough about her to be more open ... Meeting her in Chicago was just amazing ... I went based on her being able to show up and walk me around ... didn't want to stress my fils out ... her issuesare my issues ... but she is coping far better than I could hope ...

... that will take another trip out west before I would make a full observation on her and her situation ... all I see is upside, though there are potential pitfalls ... I don't like her playing 'on the road', not at all ... being away from family and friends is hard enough in a big city ... she has her daughter to worry about ... and she is the sweetest little thing ...

... gonna wrap it up ... it has been a long day ... and I am finally tired ..!

... Loopy ... cain't y'all read ?!?

… what IS the scan …?

I cain’t call it y’all..! It is as though I am in a fog < not the one that I am always in … this is much denser and damp … has a feel to it that is nerve-wracking> of emotions. I need to be doing something … oh yeah, whew! I said it will be cool to be like this until the end of the month. December is a different story.

Mookie Dee seems to be picking up something. Afraid to ask or unsure of what to start a conversation with, she is on egg-shells … maybe … or I could be absolutely correct and she doesn’t care enough to do anything. What is unmistakable is that she does notice something.

Looking at my mess, I just have to be patient. Make sure that I get up and go see about finding a job. Getting some extra money in will be a double bonus. Not to mention make plans to go to Detroit and have my child support issues squared off. That will free up SOMETHING … how much, I don’t know.

Then there is Nebraska … have absolutely no idea what is going on with her. I figure to shoot her a final round, and then wait to see what happens with that. She has played things cool up until now. Then for some reason, she went bonkers today. Don’t know if this is part of her character <remember, you were married to an incendiary device> of if she is dealing with pressures that I don’t know about. She has seemed so cool and in control that I have been under the impression that I am the ‘struck’ one, talking of how I feel and my hopes becoming real in her. Don’t know if she finds herself believing <falling would be a better word, but in the context, it could be misconstrued> that I am the one and she finds a little more of herself in “There Is A Light …” then she has shared with me.

I have talked about going into my “Light Infantry” mode … time to make it a reality. Preparation is the most important thing, as I will only get one chance to get things right. Can’t let my nerves get me going, because I can get things done, and have plenty of time to do it … no more theory, more action.

Going back to when this first became a palpable thing and not just a feeling, I remember thinking that I could be getting set then … but I stood down and waited things out. Should have known that whatever changes were temporary, if for no other reason than my back child support eating up all my money, finally! So from having a parachute, I find myself clinging to a ledge. Don’t like that feeling, and this is the reaction to my discomfort. I guess I could explore solutions beyond those that I have already looked into. But geez, keeping up the front that I have been is draining physically as well as mentally. Tired, tired, and tired. I am worn out from having to manifest to be a part of someone else’s world, and not to have them return the favor. Reciprocation is going to be a big part of the next part of my life. Along with its twin, Respect, those are deciding factors for me.

Why ponder life’s complexities …

This dust up with Nebraska convinces me of at least one thing, if nothing else … That I have to regain my confidence <or as the kids say … ‘my swag’>, and ACT as though what I hope for, isn’t a ‘hope’ but an ‘expectation’ and live my dreams as they are to be realized. Still to far out to make a target just yet … but it is out there. What I do know, and what I can expect to happen has to be what I judge things on … this uncertainty and, dare I say it, fear will undo my hopes.

Repeating certain things as a mantra is cool, because it severs all, or nearly all of the purposes I would have it accomplished. It keeps me on target as well as being sufficiently mysterious enough to leave people in the dark. It is more important that I understand what I am saying and what I am doing. Whatever changes that are going to occur, I must not expect any help … I will have to be the instrument of the change.

Will wait until after the New Year to find out what Mookie Dee’s intentions are. How much depth our conversation has, is going to be up to her. Right now, I vacillate between her being open for talk and instituting change and my own wanderlust. Like the song says it is getting to the point where, “what he left he hadn’t valued, half as much as the things he never did …”

Gearing up ..?

... my mind is somewhere ... just not here ..!

... I am going to have to ride this out ... the extremes of going to Number one back to 'also receiving votes' is tougher on me ... sign of age ... I don't know ... makes me think of 'Rex the dog' on the high wire in one of Gary Larson's "Far Side" panels ... "he was an old dog and this was a new trick", read the caption ...

... though I have done a similar trick once, that was long ago ... besides there is enough of a difference for this to be a completely NEW trick ... one that I am not as sure that I can pull off ... which isn't to say that I won't be happy and that happiness wouldn't leave me fulfilled ...  In short, this is a potential adventure that has more upside than it does risk ... which really makes remaining here an exercise for me ...

... Nebraska prolly has no idea of what happened when she showed up ... I will have to ask her what it was for her ... it didn't seem as if her brief, prefunctory assesment seemed to be fitting for something that was so huge ... then again, I just know what it was for me ... don't know what it was or even her true motivation ... so let's tell it from the perspective that I do have ...

... first off, I don't think that my twin would have nary a problem if with me coming out there with her ... and it would truly be a mutual benefit for us ... I do miss the life of the city ... there is a certain provincial nature that I have found to be a problem for me here in town ...  Chicago would be risky ... and on more than a few levels ... the challenge of finding my way through makes me smile though ... it would be such fun doing it ..!

... second, making my experience work for me would get another workout ... because I would be advising my twin the same thing ... which would be not to look back ... it would be nice if Mookie Dee did try to win me ... somehow, I don't think she has it in her to do it ... not now, not this time ...

... besides, some of the what keeps me on edge, just baffles me ... because the repriocal aspect of it ... showing up and making my appearance where I am supposed to ... what is up with that ..?  why do I have to hang with you and your people ..?  is this mandatory for couples or is this part of how SHE envisioned relationships and what goes on in them ... her with her man sitting among her and her achingly single sisters ... to what end ..? 

... one tale of her ex had to do with one of her soeurs flirtin' around with him ... while she is the only one who could 'get it' of the lot of 'em, even she is like, 'it's gonna take a bigger boat' kind of ugly and I would need more than just one more drink for the road ... hell, just give me the bottle and tie this rope to my waist to keep me from falling in too deep ..!

... just the environment for me to be a part of ... NOT ..!

... so the lot of 'em are gone ... and I am to myself ... too bad I don't have any money ... don't know if it would mean anything, but at least there would be possiblities ...

Morrissey sings my life ... STILL

... one of the things that happened in Chicago was an awakening of a part of me that has long been dormant ... I got to feel like I feel ... and it was wonderful ... because not only do I like me, I miss me ..!  Being downtown at the Thanksgiving/X-Mas whatever they have down there was wonderful ... the entire moment was like out of a dream a fantasy fulfilled ... if there ever was a 'Harry' then for that night, I had a 'Sally' ... or maybe it was more of a Sam Baldwin - Annie Reed thing from 'Sleepless' ...

... each song that Stephen Morrissey sings, I find relates to what is going on in my life ... which is a mixed blessing ... because no other artist makes me feel as deeply or passionately as he does ...  I remember when I wanted to learn the guitar, just so I could strum 'Hated For Loving' ... she is just in my mind ... and it is unrelenting ... at some point I have to get over the 'glow' and get back in the game ...

... and that is what Monday is going to be all about ... and you can print that ..!

... and it is on go ahead ...

... don't know if this is like 'Groundhog Day' or not, but it seems as if I am writing around and around about the same stuff, only changing the date ...

... Mookie Dee indeed missed me ... for a comparitive 5 minutes.  The struggle until now had been to be objective and fair.  She has other things going on in her life as well as me.  What I would not mind hearing about is, that I am wrong for saying that unless it concerns lil' Mook DIRECTLY then it shouldn't vault my position in her daily priorities?  Today I am wondering if I care ..?

Her big sister arrived the day after I returned ... and there you go Mark, we've even dusted around your spot!  So there I go, back among the shadows ... not to mention the workout routine that I left her with, has been undone since ... which isn't a biggie to me, save that SHE is the one looking for something to do ...

... let her find herself a coach or whatever ... I officially GIVE UP ... it is a waste of time and effort.  From here on, I am going to do me, and let Crom worry about the rest ..!

Chicago was WONDERFUL ... My sister has really grown into a beautiful woman.  I wish that I could help her out more, and it may end up that way, if she can hold out on her end.  Her better half seems to me, to be the same that my other half is to me.  A growing drag co-efficent.  You here the theme 'I could do bad by myself', utilized in the papblum that is R&B in various forms ... but for the both of us, it is very true.

Were I to move to Chicago with her, I would feel wholly and totally comfortable with having my daughters come to see me and stay as long as their hearts desire ... and I would be free to visit them on their home turf without fearing spears of jealousy jabbing at me ...

... not to mention the sense of adventure that would be Chicago ... and man, it is such a neat looking place ..!  All of that would be intoxicating on it own ... then Nebraska had to come through and be all that I could ask for ... and making me dream of dreams that have long been forgotten ... but linger in the way that spirits are said to linger in buildings ... she is the one that lives on in the hallways of my mind ...

From her look to her deportment, her voice, her smile, her everything ... and to think that I could have taken a run at her years ago ... they do say things happen the way that they do for a reason ... perhaps this is why this happened NOW instead of then ...

That would be a distraction at this point ... I have to focus on the task at hand ... which is working with Ms. Neal and finding a job to supplement my life and to fund my operation.  Life give way to the determined mind ... and that is what I am ... determined, and just totally confident that I can pull this shift off ..!

Rising ... like De La Soul

This is a qualified endorsement of Mookie ... she is starting to recognize that there is more to being in a relationship  than just what is at the end of your nose ... still not going to stand down ... a week doesn't undo nearly 2 years of less than desirable behavior ...

... saying that ... she has begun to show more attention ... and even doing a little exercise routine ... but I can't take credit for that ... something she is doing with a girl at her job ... which is part of why I am not going to stand down ... it still came from 'her' more than it was something that is for 'us' ... so that we spend those few minutes together isn't necessarily an extension of anything ... more like a means to an end ...

... I am feeling strangely fine ... visit my friend Hutch ... then later next week is my excursion to Chicago ... and I have absolutely NO idea what to expect of that ... just the confidence that at the end of it all ... everything is going to be just fine ...

Educatin' and Excuvatin' ..!

... could I be a little too sensitive ..?  The thought occurred to me ... but anyway, let's go to the tape ..!

... Mookie and I don't know a lot about one another ... we don't really have deep conversations about ourselves with each other ... it isn't as though we have gotten to know about one another the way most couples have ... we just happen to have once find ourselves attracted to each other ... and while the main parts of those people we were is still around ... I wonder what the effect on our development that growing together from then to now would have made ...

... simply put, there are things that she does that are unacceptable, considering that we have no real understanding to what we are trying to accomplish ... I don't know if she truly gets what is supposed to be going on in a relationship that is being charted to end up in a life time commitment ...

... that she mentions how shopping has changed for her rates right up there with her comments about the light bill ... see, to me, those comments, that now she goes through more butter and sugar is a sign that she hasn't gotten to the point where this is a 'we' thing ... because if she thought about it ... she would see that I could EASILY say the same thing ... I could get along just fine if I weren't sharing ...

... like with the lights ... she hadn't noticed that I have been taking the initiative as far as making sure things aren't being left on when not in use ... to help with the added costs of utility bills ... and it keeps me on edge ...

... hopefully I can manage getting ready for Chicago, visiting Ron and getting some applications in for X-Mas ... as well as continued fleshing out of my SPO ...