Follow up

... I underlined the last paragraph in the previous entry because I didn't follow up on it ... still apprehensive when this is an issue that I should clearly get in front of ...

... speaking of getting in front of things ...

... another potential train wreck is messing around with AKA ... she sounds as though she couldn't wait to hear my voice ... sending an email scolding me for not calling ... this is going to be a fine line, balancing her emotions with my urge for self-preservation <which woke up when lil' Mook's insolence flared> ... I better what myself ... I tend to become tangled when I start weaving webs ...

... gotta write down my workout plans and goals ... I keep kickin' it over in my head, but it isn't until they get written down that it becomes more real and less of an ideal ...

… though you should never underestimate ANYONE …

<originally written 12-13-07 ..!>

 

… though you should never underestimate ANYONE …

… felt the need to make an entry without being on line … in case someone tries to call or something … I don’t know …

… tonight is the second consecutive night of not going to bed … it looks particularly bad since we ‘did the thing’ on Monday … now it looks as though I ‘got what I wanted’ , so now I can go back to being a screw up … nothing is further from the truth, but deeds not words moves people …

… me and my ersatz stepdaughter had a nice conversation about her wanting to play basketball … though it isn’t feasible, going through the entire process was gratifying in a sense … I felt quite ‘parent-like’ … still doesn’t move the sly comment she made whilst in the company of the cackling’ hens, but it is reassuring …

… now, to MY daughter … well, ONE of them … KT is a daily thought … I hope that I can fill what she needs … for her to have wondered and to finally get to meet me … I hope that I met her expectations … I am really thankful for her Mother keeping venom from her regarding me … that was not a small thing … I try to make comparisons to my current situation … and though I can’t be sure if Kennedy discussed me openly with her Mom and her Step, I know that topic doesn’t get crossed HERE … and I am not in the position to make a point of discussion …

… speaking of which … gotta do that friend of the court thing … they can’t take me in on my first visit … but they may come LATER … so I will have to get up tomorrow and get on the good foot ..!

Gettin' it on ..!

... seems like I 'broke' this week ... not that it was any one or even a series of things ... but by 'broke' I mean I failed to keep up with my journaling ... some of it is due to my idiosyncrasy of being overly concerned with privacy ...

... that is what undid me in my efforts to get my Mom's house signed over to me ... for someone who wants to be secretive, I am VERY sloppy about my security ... at any rate ... my situ here hasn't changed but is that a good thing or no ..?  ... a large part of my anxiety is due to concerns about what is being thought around here ...

... I am going to go to the friend of the court before my doctor's appointment ... I worry about what could come of it ... this isn't Detroit, and I would not think that picking up a deadbeat such as myself would be beyond Sherriff Roscoe ...

... spoke to AKA ... was a 20minute conversation ... but in her voice I heard so much emotion ... while I don't want to dwell on her too much, the words of Mike Spiewak echoes in my mind ... 'my Dad said that you should always throw a line out the back ..'

... also, I can't let fear cause me to panic ... it has to be motivation ... first, I need to focus on my body ... I want to lose weight, even get back into fight shape ... after I get my bike from the shop, I can start going to the Y twice a week for weight/cardio training ... this means that at least two other days I really push myself through some running and calistenics ... 

... this summer I would like to get back into school or at the very least a training program ... don't think I want to be so vunerable that I would take desperate risks ... things AREN'T as bad as I probably fear ... the anxiety is coming from my inertia ...

DO SOMETHING !!!