... just when things are going smoothly ...

... I start to fall of the wagon ... by which I mean I am down in the cellar, doing the video game thing, instead of finishing the evening and retiring with the missus ... little intel work suggest that I need to work at conjugations rather that the tepid pawing that unfortunately infiltrates many monogamous relationships. 

... so in the mind's eye, I hope to get a weekend where we can have at each other ... not this one upcoming, but the next ... this past Thursday I drew my stipend ... if I can hold onto most of it, then my next draw will supplement what I manage to save ...

... still, the insolence is inexcusable ... and it has me a little burned ... have to figure on going back to school, so I can at least be doing something ... been doing a walking thing this week ... can do sub-20min. mile ... will start stretching that out ... do that for at least a month ... if I can carry it to the new year even better ... then I can start my resistance and cardio training in full ...

... went to the hospital this weekend ... still show signs of heart trouble ... will have to get forward on that ... the concern is being caught in a limbo legally ... no organ donation ... no heroic measure ... what ever comes I hope it goes and takes me out ... don't mean to seem macabre looking to my own demise, but it is sooner than I think and more real than imagined ...

 

... goin' in ...

... last night, the Missus was ill of me ... this is starting to become a recurring pattern in our relationship ... added to the dis from last week ... maybe there isn't as much time in the current situation as I thought ... and I hope that today, going to the hospital won't be seen as an attention getting move ... because if it is, it would only hasten the erosion that is taking place ...

... I haven't a real plan ... just hopes ... but I have to start ACTING ... doing what I can until I can do more ... so I am going to start going to the Y on a daily pass twice a week until I can afford a membership ... and I hope to have my bike after the new year ... school isn't until summer, but the savings start after the New Year  for one class ... there ... That's sounds like a plan ..!  Just have to execute it ..!

... keeping up ...

... today was a fairly uneventful day ... went to the doctor's and he saw a slight abnormality on my ekg ... told me to go to emergency ... haven't as of yet but plan on it ... hope I can draw it out so I won't have to do turkey day ..!  That would be super cool ..!

... still on the watch for other 'abnormalities' ... for instance, I felt a tug at closing the gap today ... it was a small thing, a small kiss that you toss to your partner in passing, but because when something like that happens, it is usually because I initated it ... so its occurence marks it as something worth noting ...

...still, the residual loss of status from the 'hen gathering' incident of the other day is lingering in my mind ... now I don't know how much of the sass is the pre-teen growning into herself or her sensing my vunerablity ... and that would again indicate that there is something that everyone knows but me ...

... I will go to the hospital tomorrow ... PROMISE ..!

... meanwhile ... my baby wants to do an ENTIRE summer ..! ... first, getting over how flattering it is, I have to do a reality check ... because I am on disablity, I don't have that kind of loot ... and though I do expect to be here this summer, I don't expect that I would have the respect to be host to her for a full month ... hope this won't send a mix message to her, as I do love her and wish I could spend time with her ... but as it is, I hope to sneak and find her sister so that she can see her ..!

... and so it goes from Guadalcanal ..!

... starting a habit ...

... still not sure if anything is up with Mookie ... there is something in me that is just sounding warning, if nothing else.  The idea of allowing children to speak fowardly to adults with tacit approval has always been signpost on the way to dissolving a relationship.  I just want to have something in motion when everything starts to grind down.

 

Is two more years too much to ask ..?  Get some classes in, maybe even get supernova and get that associates ... oh, let's not forget the potential of being able to carve a small-ball life should the disability case go my way ...

... spent a little bit searchin' forMy Delta Girl ... why ..?  no real reason ... just restless ... never intend to reestablish anything ... in fact, that is the natural progression of life ... one season ends, another begins and so it goes ... what I have to steel myself on is not 'puttin' out' because with the way that the week has gone, emotionally for me at least, not succumbing to my hormonal desire is not only making a statement, but strenghtening my will power ...

... or so I would like to believe ...

... note to self ... find out about day visits to the YMCA ..! Health program needs to be in place for activation after the New Year ..!

... and I thought I was ahead ...

... and I was telling Ron that I wanted to be AHEAD of the game ...

 

It HAS been a long time since I have made an entry.  This has been to my detriment.  I needed to have my head out of my butt a LONG time ago.  Journaling is a great way to clear my mind and get focused.  I hate having to do it under the cover of darkness i.e. hidning it, but the only way that I can insure that it doesn't get found is to do it on line <not that it can't be found, but it is the only risk that I am taking ... I do think it is 95% secure>.

 

My good friend from Detroit came and paid me a well-recieved visit.  It felt great to see him as I do feel so very isolated up here.  That the irony of feeling isolated when I have lived a mostly self-indulgent life with little regard for others, is not lost upon me.  During our wide ranging discussion, I spoke to him about wanting to get started moving towards something, anything.  Plans in my mind of doing different things and hopefully positively affecting the arc of my life.  So it goes without great surprise that once I have further concreted my plans <at least in my mind>, that I am left with conflicting information regarding my environment.

 

See, I am in the process of appling for disablity to the Social Security Administration.  The pittance that I recieve from the state of Michigan for diablity is laughable, but does not excuse me for not having contributed more to my girl <uh, no names, this may be secure, but the emphasis is on MAY BE>.  At any rate, I think that she has reach a point of extreme weariness, as tonight she was joking with her sisters about me.  It is also my experience that when comments like those are tossed about, that the light flashing in the corner of your eye is expiration indicator going off ...

 

... which is in contrast to the secure feeling that I felt from her the previous day and certainly from how I led my friend to believe.  One of the first things I have to do <and to that end, a journal entry cometh ..!> is to remain composed and focused ... I am still in a disadvantaged position, and I have to work from there.  As much I as dislike it, I am going to have to avoid confrontation, because that is to me, what the foward pass was to Woody Hayes ...

 

... tomorrow I will do a run back from the health clinic.  With my weight gain, I have to really get my mind set to working off the weight.  Watching the tubbies on the show "Biggest Loser" should be motivation enough.  I have to stay focused with a laser-like precision ... because if the fissures in my realtionship grow ... ooh ... that is pretty dark going down that road ...

 

... I am going to just focus forward, get out of bed tomorrow and start like I plan on making a real life ..!