Getting a Grip!!

... it was 'posed to be so easy ...

... and frankly it should have been ... I needed to be this intent when I HAD my job ... I feel that every day, when I scoot around town on my little Spree ... even in the weather here in Michigan, I enjoy scuttling about ... I feel so free and independent ... and that it was at such a low cost, I have been kicking myself for not coming to grips and buckling down and saving for one when I was at AIAG ...

... like the Streets song, 'it was 'posed to be so easy ...' because I had a simple plan, and it would have worked, but unlike the unfortunate Mister Skinner, I continually compounded my situation, and the resolution is still up in the air ...

... not only do I majorly regret not keeping my job, which was a simple case of not getting up and going to work, I am a little lost at how do I get going again ...

... at least I was, until I read Travis Roy's name again ... he was a college hockey player, who seconds into his first game suffered a delibating injury, causing him to become a parapalegic ... he has since gone on graduate from college, and make a place for himself ...

... of course, I don't know what I can't see about him, but from what I can see, I can assume what it took to get there ... and that is something I have to do ...

... I hit one 'blogger' with the 'tirelessness' ideal ... and I need to really hit myself with it ... I need to just get a job, and remember my focus, and let things fall into place ...

... and I have to start participating more in the life that is going on around me ... Mookie, and lil' Mook are looking and prolly wondering ... Mookie has to be feeling let down, after exporting one bum, she has since imported another ... and I don't care that lil' Mook, who is such a sponge, is exposed to this ... that part is on me, and I have to show up and participate ... while I am still contracted here ...

 

... actually a message board post that grew ...

... so the Steelers won ... not like the Jets didn't try or have their chances ... <the darned kicker missed TWICE ..!>

... now, I wasn't pulling for the Jets just to be contrarian ... nor was their any real rooting interest for the team ... but I did admire their grit and tenacity during the season, having played what was rated as the toughest schedule in the league and living in the fishbowl that is New York ...

... nah, I was pulling for the Jets because of their coach, Herman Edwards ... not only is he a brother, but he is a GOOD lookin' brother ...<not like I no punk, no p@ssy, no f*g ...>

... so I examined my parenthetical, and wondered, if indeed I am not, the WHY ...

... one of the things that I have always admired and looked to in stories and games involving the Jets and Herman Edwards, is how much respect he is given, and how they describe his team as a hard working, give it all they've got, and how they stick up for one another ...

... and in sports, most often, the identity of the team is a result of the character of the leadership ... and Herman Edwards is a leader ... a leader of men ...

... and that is what drew me to him ... and draws me to him ... see, I never knew my Dad, and as I got older, my Mom didn't try to get me one ... the last time I recall her being remotely interested in a man, I was 8 years old ... now that she is gone, I wish I had the temerity to ask her about it ... anyway ...

... in thinking of your post on the 'hood, and my reply, watching the game, and trying to compose what I thought would be a snarky, smart alecky post to you, I found myself looking deeper within myself ... because not only did my Mom not have any relations with anyone, me having seen her with only two men, the guy she married and the aforementioned, I grew up never having a father figure...

... but I was always athletically inclined, and took to all sports, from basketball, football, and hockey <I grew up in Detroit, you have to remember that ... there a brothers in Boston I am sure that play ...> ... so I have never questioned my maleness ... to the point where I had told my then-wife, when we were trying to sort through her dysfunctional relations 'tween her mom, her and her pops, that "my mother made sure that I never missed him, and I never really remember missing him ..."

... as I have gotten older, I have reconsidered those words ... when I reached my late 20's, I would admit that if I had a Pops, or at least a male figure in my life, he would have told me that I was p-whipped and not in love when I came home from the service and got married ...

... but hey, my Mom said the same thing, so I again went back to feeling that I didn't miss not having a man ... if I only would listen to my Mom more ...

... but now, with her gone, and in my mid 30's, I have caught myself more and more in recent years, longing for something ... something I can't put my finger on ... but there is a hole, a gap ...

... for instance, I am not mechanically inclined ... my friend AKA is a real wrench, and she even helped me once put brakes on a car of mine ... CORRECTLY ... she has a father along with two older brothers ... and all that testosterone rubbed off on her ...

... in my youth, I flouted that I had no such inclinations, as I ran through my life, making money with either a decent job and low overhead, or through boxing ... I felt like I would be a cat who could get through life without such things ...

... but getting older, and having a child, I see big grey areas in my life, gaps my knowledge, in my capabilities ... there are things I simply DON'T KNOW ... and it bothers me, because I wish that I could give them to my daughter so she could know these essential things ...

... getting back to the Jets' Coach Edwards ...

... as he ascended from being a top defensive coordinator, to his current spot in the center of the universe <or so New Yorkers think ...> I have found myself enamored with the words used to describe Coach Edwards, and the sound bites that he gives ... I feel he is a true leader of men ...

... a leader of men ... I began to wonder, if that all it was ... tonight, thinking about a smart alecky comment I could make to a stranger who lives a life totally unaffected by me ... if that was what gave to me my affection for Herman Edwards ...

... sure, he is telegenic <there ... don't have to worry about any homosexual comments there!> and intelligent ... but there was something more to it ... and it struck me ... his bearing is the same kind of composure I saw in my best boxing coaches, Ron Johnson in Detroit, and James Jones in North Carolina ... and that was when it smacked into me ... here I sit, at thirty-six, looking at, and affixing projections of a father I never knew on a complete stranger ...

...leadership, respect, and confidence ... not to mention courage <his flagship play, he returned a fumble in a game that his team was losing for a touchdown, that brought the 'kneel-down' into being ...> are traits that he has ... and from what I read, most children admire and see in their father ... and here I am, sitting down, longing for my father, as I hoped that the objectified father, wins a big game, so that I can look forward to hearing more people speak highly of him, and more written about him ...

... man, this is why people don't like when they bring up a simple subject that they see in black and white with me, and I go off on one of these tangents ... I mean, for all of this to emerge from an online message board thread ... so not only do Iadmit to missing my unknown father, butI DO take things a little too deep!!

... the fall of the Roman Empire ...

...Stuff I have been wondering about ...

I wonder how old my Mother was, when the air first started to leak from her balloon ...

... I say that, because I have not only lived a life that I draw links to hers, but it is through to the degeneration of our orbits ... and our breaking up on re-entry are the similar ...

... my Mom was a diabetic ... and she had high blood pressure ... though I am not a diabetic, my high blood pressure is something of a concern ... because prior to last year, I had no idea that I had it ...

... anyway, I have traced my lethargy to my condition ... and with losing my job <and I could have SWORN I told myself, this is reason enough to keep it and to make sure that I did just that!!> and my insurance benefits, I have been without medication for the seven months I have been without work ... and my mental state doesn't help any ...

... so I have to stop wondering about whether or not I am following in the same patterns of my Mother ... and start find ways to break the cycle ... the decisions that are made today, determine the tomorrow I will have ... and this pity party I have found myself in, this mire of feeling sorry for myself, has to stop ...

... I guess this is why diaries are therapuetic ... you get to see the utter inanity of feeling sorry for yourself, and it becomes clearer what you need to do to change things ...

... the things that I need to focus on, are finding a job, getting into school, and getting a car ... and that is it ... whether or not I am in the same arc of my Mother doesn't matter, if I set a course and follow it to where it leads ...

... man ... I wish that I had kept a diary when I was  teen ... or even a pre-teen ... would have made all the difference ... oh well ...

 

Lookin' like I am feelin' ...

... this may run on ...

... me and Lil' Mook built a snowman ... and being a part of her joy was a super special feeling ... but later, Mookie was closed mouth ...

... she came home with troubling news from her job, as they are laying people off ... and her department is sorta extraneous ... so of course, she is worried ...

... but when I asked about using her car to go look for a job, she kind of pouted ... and here, I am noting it, because it doesn't make sense ... lil' Mook is out of school, and I will have her, but for some reason, something rang in her, that makes her feel ill at ease ... this is something that I have noticed about her, and it bothers me, because I go for the old saw, "still waters, run deep", and I can't really fathom what is on her mind for real ...

... AKA has emailed me ... won't read it, cause she knows about the time stamp thingy on AOL, and will check to see when I read it ...

... my doctor won't fill my form out so I can take the physical for the warehouse job ... I am going to go back to the clinic, and see if I can talk my way back into taking it ... and another Y has an ad ... I hope it is really an open position, and not a courtesy posting, when they really plan on giving the position to another employee ... then I would have a shot at that ...

... I really miss SD, and think that getting back with her, would be a good thing ... and it also makes me reflect on how I had the life I could have wanted ... in fact, DID want ... and I let it slide away ... which has now had all sorts of unintended circumstances ...

... one day, I will talk at legnth <as if I talk any other way!> about my mix tape, THAT mix tape in particular ... but this is a seque to SD ...

... I wish I could talk to her, and ask her how deep her feelings go ... but I already know ... same as Mookie's, and AKA'S ... which is why I need to find my focus ..! Get that job, get into school ... and save for that car!!

... getting back to lil' Mook ...

... she really wants to have a male in her life, and she is like any child, ready and willing to do what she has to, to enjoy her relationships with those she trusts and cares about ... I must admit, it would be super cool if in the course of fulfilling the three things I have mentioned, that me and Mookie can survive this ride, and I get to watch lil' Mook grow up ... I think she is a wonderfully gifted and great child!! ... just don't tell Skye I said that ..!

 

... trying to realise ... and actualize ...

... the other day, I realised that all the feelings that I have had for other people, Mookie has or has had for me ...

... it really hit me this past weekend, when lil' Mook's friend came by, and we played Monopoly together ... I just could imagine after we went to bed and talked, what it must of seemed like for her, and what it meant ... I had thought she was a little frustrated with my crappy job search ... it gave me pause, because I have all these emotions pulling me out of her orbit ... and it makes me feel a little guilty ... especially seeing how lil' Mook seems to take to me ... and I can see pushing her and making her rise to her potential ...

...and thus did day turn to night ...

... haven't spoke to AKA since the beginning of the week, nor answer or open her email ... she crashed my pity party, and it seemed so ironic her advice, because she could do a lot to heed what she gave me ... sure, I was doin' the piss 'n moan, but she for whatever reason, seems to enjoy her conditions ... and she will never fall too far ... unlike me, who risks falling completely off the face of the earth ...

... trying to imagine the incomprehensible way that people over in Sri Lanka, and some of the Indoneasian Islands have been wiped from the face of the earth ... utterly erased, just not there anymore ... and I have only myself to blame for my current state teetering on the brink ...

... I feel so stupid ... I had even TOLD myself that I was cool in my previous state, and that I needed to do whatever it took to maintain it ... but I guess I didn't really want to work hard enough ... for the results have me here ... and currently, with SD reappearing <thanks to me ...> and my yearning for yet another chance, another life ...

... first, I just want to get a job ... then work towards going to school  ... worry about the rest, when it is time to worry about it ...

 

the new year ...same confusion ...

... not only did I not win, but I didn't show anything worth continuing on with the sport ... but I won't say what it means, but will act ...

... and since we are talking about acting, and letting my intentions be defined by them, why am I still messed up in the head as I have been since I was a teenager?  That isn't a good sign as far as maturity goes, is it?  I must be a better actor than I give myself credit for ...

... but the reality is crashing in for me ... my high blood pressure may cost me a job in the warehouse, which would really be damaging ... hopefully, I can get around it with this faxing my old doctor and seeing if he can pull a string or two for me ... and then there is SD ...

... she picked me up when I came through town on the bus back to Lansing ... I expected her to stiff me, when my original travel plans put me in Detroit on Friday night, too late to get a bus to Lansing ... but as it were, I didn't get into Detroit until the wee hours of Saturday morn, and she came a picked me up, which she didn't have to ...

... I was glad she did though, as we had a nice morning, watching some Josh Hartnett movie, 'something Park' ... anyway, it was fair to middlin',  and we just mainly talked, and though she pulled a Yohmora on me, and I just shrugged it off ...

... saying good bye was neat and fun ... it felt good to see and verify that she feels for me ... anyway, hanging with her, meant that AKA got stiffed, and she was none too pleased with it ... but she will be alright ... there isn't much to say about her, or our relationship ... it just is the way it is ...

... I thought this was going to be a little bit melodramatic, with not getting the job, or having the job hang in the balance because of my health ... but that is about it ... I will have to do the temp thing until I can find something ... hope that the doctor can hook me up ... anyway ... SD mentioned trying to get my job back ... and I will ask ... what can it hurt? And if I did get it back ... man, I look forward to dealing with those issues!!